Heavy girl or flesh light?

April 23, 2012 1:17 AM

Why is it acceptable in U.S. culture for women, but not men, to own sex toys? (Obviously NSFW, more inside)

It seems as if it's generally frowned upon for a man to own, say a simulated vagina (for example, a fleshlight). As far as I know, none of my close male friends own any sorts of sex toy. However, I know that some of my female friends own dildos. Why the disparity? It seems almost as if, following the general sexual mores of our society, things should be the other way around (guys being more sexual)?

posted by dkleinst to Society & Culture (8 answers total)

This is purely speculation, but I think it's partly that women and sex is always viewed through the lens of what it means for men, and what (men think) women owning sex toys means for men is that said women are really horny and always up for sex and not being sufficiently satisfied by any current men and therefore more likely to be available to them.
posted by lollusc at 1:23 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Because you're supposed to get real sex if you're a man. If you can't get real sex, then you're not a real man.
posted by mleigh at 1:25 AM on April 23, 2012

Also, there is the narrative that men always want sex, and a real man can always get plenty of women to have sex with, so why would he need a sex toy anyway, unless he is some sort of loser who can't get a woman. So in both cases there's the assumption that sex toys means the person can't get enough sex from a human, but in the case of women, this reads as "she is available for my pleasure" whereas in the case of men, it reads as "fails at being male".

Obviously I don't believe any of this, but I suspect it's behind some of the cultural baggage.
posted by lollusc at 1:25 AM on April 23, 2012

There seems to be a different type of stigma for a man not being able to "get" a woman [to have sex with him] than for a woman. Isn't the popular wisdom that it's easier for women to find sex partners? So a woman using a sex toy is presumably rejecting men available to her because they're jerks or not good in bed, while a man is seen as just not able to find anyone.

Please note that this is what I imagine popular wisdom to be, not how I think the world works.
posted by needs more cowbell at 1:26 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think additionally there is an association with men who use sex toys as being juvenile - as in, they're still so adolescent that they need an inanimate object to take their uncontrollable urges out on, whereas a woman with sex toys is mature enough to know that she has sexual needs and can take care of them in a controlled way. It's connected to the idea that men are allowed to be sexual as they grow up, but women have to be virgins until they become mothers.
posted by Mizu at 1:34 AM on April 23, 2012

Following on from Lollusc's comments I think it also plays into the notions of sexual proclivity. A man who sleeps around is a stud, but a woman who does it is often considered a "slut".

I'm not a woman so I can't speak to this directly, but perhaps there are logistical considerations playing into this perception as well. Women may feel that it is safer and less threatening to possess a sex toy, and safer and less threatening to other women and in some respects other men to be perceived to have a sex toy rather than many partners.

Then you could also consider the evolution of society's treatment of masturbation by women, sexual pleasure and need in women etc. This has no doubt played a part in shaping things, too. Sexual need in women has historically been pathologised, viewed as a deficiency to be corrected, as opposed to men where it's a hunger to be sated.

It's also worth pointing out that this "Acceptability" you speak of is far, far from broad across the gender. In the US and in other countries there are many many women who would face censure and disgust for saying the owned such a thing. Could your grandma talk about her dildo? A happily-married fifty year old woman? A 14 year old girl? A Mormon woman? A Korean-American? Etc etc. It really is a small subset you're talking about re: acceptability. It's a subset (young, hot, sexually available women) that is thrust into our faces by media and popular culture, but it's important to remember it's not representative in a meaningful sense.

I don't think there is one answer, per se, here. You're looking at all kinds of things to do with gender, history, sexuality, and no doubt logistics, too.
posted by smoke at 1:40 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]

Men are more easily able to take care of themselves, and there is a lot of culture/hand-me-down tradition built around male masturbation to support them. It is more accepted culturally than female masturbation. This is the biggest reason.

Because 'receiving' toys are difficult to maintain and keep clean. They are inconvenient.

'Giving' sex toys would, for men, not be useful for much other than anal activity and the large majority of men aren't interested in that.

Men tend to use objects from their environment if they use anything. I'm sure we've all heard the various Darwin Award type stories.

Taking male sex toys too seriously is associated with loneliness and As Seen On TV/informercials, which is also associated with loneliness. This doesn't keep people from owning them so much as talking about them, though.
posted by michaelh at 1:48 AM on April 23, 2012

100% speculation: maybe, also, men are leery of using toys since there's a culture of viewing women as disposable body parts, and they sense that women might interpret their toy in that context.

Women don't worry about dildo-type toys being objectifying, since that's broadly not how men are perceived in society. On the other side of the aisle, maybe some men (however feminist or not) think that toy use might upset women they date because of a vague eau-de-sexist.

P.S. Though I'm sure it would upset some women they might date, in a happier world we would all be able to play with toys shaped to our pleasure!
posted by pickingupsticks at 2:00 AM on April 23, 2012 [1 favorite]