How to cope with a bestfriend who is going through a rough time but also hurt you?
February 16, 2012 4:11 PM Subscribe
Dating/friendship question: How to cope when you feel like your best friend hurt you? (long snowflake details inside)
Sorry, times a billion, this post is so long. I have had a tumultuous dating history. Never have had a boyfriend before, partly because I'm very shy when it comes to dudes and always scared to make any moves...even though I'm an extrovert and love talking and hanging out with all types of people. It's just that when things head in the direction of "hey I like you", I find myself always hesitating to be the first one to act on what I feel. I guess I'm kinda old-fashioned in that way.
That said, I told my best girl friend about my dating past and how I have been hurt by other friends before because, for some reason, they set me up with people they "would never date." I only found out about this after the fact. So my problem is, I never ask to be set up, they do so on their own initiative, and I'm trying to be open, but then I feel a bit annoyed when they would never even consider X boy...but I understand, everyone likes something different so I appreciate their efforts. Just painting a background here.
The situation: Now, I have the opposite problem. My best friend I think, likes the boy she's trying to set me up with. After my friend talked up this guy and tried to set us up (initiating group hang-outs) I was finally starting to be somewhat interested in said boy (still not able to make any moves, but definitely being my friendly self as always). The boy apparently told her that he was interested too and on top of that
"didn't want to screw it up" because he knew I was her best friend. I had no clue about any of this until today when she told me that she has "found qualities in him that she likes and that her boyfriend doesn't have" (they hang out ALL the time - through their graduate school program and outside of it; I guess he is just more perceptive to her than her boyfriend is, able to see when something is off). Now I just feel hurt because 1. she is thinking about also breaking up with a boy she has been with and living with for *years* while I have still never had a boyfriend (so she's choosing between two "haves" and here I am still "have not -ing", 2. SAYS she is not interested in said boy at all, yet she admits to thinking about him a lot, and knows he wouldn't reciprocate because she has "tested it" before (wtf? So if he reciprocated you would do something to hurt your current bf??) and 3. to top it all of, she knows that I am sensitive/self-conscious already when it comes to guy issues.
My questions: 1. How do I deal with my best friend who I love? Cope might be a better word because honestly I don't know that there is anything I could do, more of just a way to look at this to make myself feel better. I would never do this to a girl friend ...and I'm just feeling hurt. When she told me today she said she really didn't mean for this to happen and she would be completely happy for me if we ended up dating and I told her it makes things really awkward, that's it. I don't know if it's worth it to say anything more. She is going through a rough time what with possibly breaking up with a boyfriend of years and it's not about me, but to some extent it is right? My heart's in this too now. I know people can't control who they like, but wow. I can't explain why what she did hurts me so much. She has told me that this is just a symptom of her unhappiness and that she wouldn't be looking at other guys if she was happy in her relationship, fine - but it doesn't detract from the fact that she does have a close relationship/ has apparently "tested it out" in subtle ways, with this new guy right?
and 2. (this question is less important and secondary to my first concern) Should I just not try with this boy anymore? I did start to like him, but I am really good at deciding when not to like someone. I hate drama. And that's all I can see coming from this if he and I end up dating...
Thanks mefi. Any advice greatly appreciated.
Sorry, times a billion, this post is so long. I have had a tumultuous dating history. Never have had a boyfriend before, partly because I'm very shy when it comes to dudes and always scared to make any moves...even though I'm an extrovert and love talking and hanging out with all types of people. It's just that when things head in the direction of "hey I like you", I find myself always hesitating to be the first one to act on what I feel. I guess I'm kinda old-fashioned in that way.
That said, I told my best girl friend about my dating past and how I have been hurt by other friends before because, for some reason, they set me up with people they "would never date." I only found out about this after the fact. So my problem is, I never ask to be set up, they do so on their own initiative, and I'm trying to be open, but then I feel a bit annoyed when they would never even consider X boy...but I understand, everyone likes something different so I appreciate their efforts. Just painting a background here.
The situation: Now, I have the opposite problem. My best friend I think, likes the boy she's trying to set me up with. After my friend talked up this guy and tried to set us up (initiating group hang-outs) I was finally starting to be somewhat interested in said boy (still not able to make any moves, but definitely being my friendly self as always). The boy apparently told her that he was interested too and on top of that
"didn't want to screw it up" because he knew I was her best friend. I had no clue about any of this until today when she told me that she has "found qualities in him that she likes and that her boyfriend doesn't have" (they hang out ALL the time - through their graduate school program and outside of it; I guess he is just more perceptive to her than her boyfriend is, able to see when something is off). Now I just feel hurt because 1. she is thinking about also breaking up with a boy she has been with and living with for *years* while I have still never had a boyfriend (so she's choosing between two "haves" and here I am still "have not -ing", 2. SAYS she is not interested in said boy at all, yet she admits to thinking about him a lot, and knows he wouldn't reciprocate because she has "tested it" before (wtf? So if he reciprocated you would do something to hurt your current bf??) and 3. to top it all of, she knows that I am sensitive/self-conscious already when it comes to guy issues.
My questions: 1. How do I deal with my best friend who I love? Cope might be a better word because honestly I don't know that there is anything I could do, more of just a way to look at this to make myself feel better. I would never do this to a girl friend ...and I'm just feeling hurt. When she told me today she said she really didn't mean for this to happen and she would be completely happy for me if we ended up dating and I told her it makes things really awkward, that's it. I don't know if it's worth it to say anything more. She is going through a rough time what with possibly breaking up with a boyfriend of years and it's not about me, but to some extent it is right? My heart's in this too now. I know people can't control who they like, but wow. I can't explain why what she did hurts me so much. She has told me that this is just a symptom of her unhappiness and that she wouldn't be looking at other guys if she was happy in her relationship, fine - but it doesn't detract from the fact that she does have a close relationship/ has apparently "tested it out" in subtle ways, with this new guy right?
and 2. (this question is less important and secondary to my first concern) Should I just not try with this boy anymore? I did start to like him, but I am really good at deciding when not to like someone. I hate drama. And that's all I can see coming from this if he and I end up dating...
Thanks mefi. Any advice greatly appreciated.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's request. -- taz
So it's not ok for friends to set you up with people they aren't attracted to, and it's not ok for friends to set you up with people they are attracted to. Who can your friends set you up with that would be ok with you?
Your friend doesn't sound like she actually wants to leave her boyfriend, just that she's musing about what a great guy your potential date is. If he is into you, and you are into him, then date him.
You seem to be evaluating potential boyfriends based on the motives of the friends who introduced you, rather than by the chemistry or lack thereof that you feel with the guys in question. In the end, you should date people you are attracted to and interested in, and don't date people you aren't attracted to or interested in, regardless of what you think your friends' motives are for setting you up.
posted by headnsouth at 4:26 PM on February 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
Your friend doesn't sound like she actually wants to leave her boyfriend, just that she's musing about what a great guy your potential date is. If he is into you, and you are into him, then date him.
You seem to be evaluating potential boyfriends based on the motives of the friends who introduced you, rather than by the chemistry or lack thereof that you feel with the guys in question. In the end, you should date people you are attracted to and interested in, and don't date people you aren't attracted to or interested in, regardless of what you think your friends' motives are for setting you up.
posted by headnsouth at 4:26 PM on February 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
Keep the Boy, dump that Girl because she isn't your friend. She's using you on so many levels, the mind boggles. She's insecure and has a weak character.
Lose the Girl even if you don't go for the Boy.
posted by jbenben at 4:29 PM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Lose the Girl even if you don't go for the Boy.
posted by jbenben at 4:29 PM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Oops. headnsouth seems to have a different take.
I read that your "friend" told you she's attracted to a guy that you like and she's thinking of dumping her bf. Also, that she's already made advances on the guy you like, even though she's supposedly in a LTR.
If I'm wrong, sorry OP. Didn't mean to insult your friend. If I'm right, than my answer stands.
posted by jbenben at 4:33 PM on February 16, 2012
I read that your "friend" told you she's attracted to a guy that you like and she's thinking of dumping her bf. Also, that she's already made advances on the guy you like, even though she's supposedly in a LTR.
If I'm wrong, sorry OP. Didn't mean to insult your friend. If I'm right, than my answer stands.
posted by jbenben at 4:33 PM on February 16, 2012
Best answer: I think you need to talk to your friend. Maybe jbenben and you have it right, and maybe there is a misunderstanding here.
1. Is she really breaking up with her boyfriend? I am picking up that she is thinking about it and has talked to you, her good friend, about that. Has she done anything more than that, like tell her boyfriend she wants to break up?
2. Are you sure there is a connection between Possible Guy for You and your friend's Possible Breakup? She told you she isn't interested in him. Ask her -- is she in fact thinking about dating him?
3. If she IS thinking about dating him, then why did she involve you in a possible dating relationship with Possible Guy for You? This is an important question for your friendship. Which you need to ask her. If she says again she ISN'T thinking about dating him, then you need to believe her -- or ask yourself why you are friends with someone you don't trust.
Also, regarding this guy, I'd suggest it is time you stopped using your friend as middle-person and went on a date or two with him. If you like him, it is OK to tell him that. If you would like to see him, it is OK to call him or text him or whatever to invite him to do something with you.
In short -- talk to your friend and make sure there aren't misunderstandings here. If there aren't, talk to her about this understandable sense of hurt you are feeling. And re the boy, deal with him directly.
Good luck with this. Remember anyone you meet through a friend will have some sort of prior relationship with that friend, whether romantic, business, friendship or some combination of the above. That's fine. Also, the fact that your friend doesn't feel their heart beat fast at the thought of the person with whom they set you up doesn't mean that person is a loser -- just that your friend thought maybe the chemistry would be there for you.
posted by bearwife at 4:53 PM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. Is she really breaking up with her boyfriend? I am picking up that she is thinking about it and has talked to you, her good friend, about that. Has she done anything more than that, like tell her boyfriend she wants to break up?
2. Are you sure there is a connection between Possible Guy for You and your friend's Possible Breakup? She told you she isn't interested in him. Ask her -- is she in fact thinking about dating him?
3. If she IS thinking about dating him, then why did she involve you in a possible dating relationship with Possible Guy for You? This is an important question for your friendship. Which you need to ask her. If she says again she ISN'T thinking about dating him, then you need to believe her -- or ask yourself why you are friends with someone you don't trust.
Also, regarding this guy, I'd suggest it is time you stopped using your friend as middle-person and went on a date or two with him. If you like him, it is OK to tell him that. If you would like to see him, it is OK to call him or text him or whatever to invite him to do something with you.
In short -- talk to your friend and make sure there aren't misunderstandings here. If there aren't, talk to her about this understandable sense of hurt you are feeling. And re the boy, deal with him directly.
Good luck with this. Remember anyone you meet through a friend will have some sort of prior relationship with that friend, whether romantic, business, friendship or some combination of the above. That's fine. Also, the fact that your friend doesn't feel their heart beat fast at the thought of the person with whom they set you up doesn't mean that person is a loser -- just that your friend thought maybe the chemistry would be there for you.
posted by bearwife at 4:53 PM on February 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think you're complicating this more than you need to. I assume your friend "tested the waters" with your boy BEFORE she set you up with him. She knows he's not
into her, but she's going through a rough patch in her relationship. Naturally, she's gravitating towards your boy because he's a friend, he's kind to her, he's attractive, and well, that's what people do when they're unhappy in their relationships. She's even said as much - it's not about the boy per se, it's about her unhappiness. She's being honest with you about her attraction to him but she HAS told you that she feels bad about it and so far it doesn't seem like she's done anything to act on her attraction.
So be there for your friend, while dating the boy. Maybe she'll break up with her boyfriend, maybe she won't. It really shouldn't make any difference to you and your potential new relationship.
posted by yawper at 4:57 PM on February 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
into her, but she's going through a rough patch in her relationship. Naturally, she's gravitating towards your boy because he's a friend, he's kind to her, he's attractive, and well, that's what people do when they're unhappy in their relationships. She's even said as much - it's not about the boy per se, it's about her unhappiness. She's being honest with you about her attraction to him but she HAS told you that she feels bad about it and so far it doesn't seem like she's done anything to act on her attraction.
So be there for your friend, while dating the boy. Maybe she'll break up with her boyfriend, maybe she won't. It really shouldn't make any difference to you and your potential new relationship.
posted by yawper at 4:57 PM on February 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
It's time to talk to the boy directly. Your girlfriend's usefulness as an intermediary has run out. I suspect you're letting her retain this level of influence over you mostly because it keeps a relationship with the boy hypothetical, saving you from scary, risky interactions which are ABSOLUTELY UNAVOIDABLE if you want to move forward.
posted by jon1270 at 5:13 PM on February 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by jon1270 at 5:13 PM on February 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
I have been hurt by other friends before because, for some reason, they set me up with people they "would never date."
I think you are hurt by this because by saying that, they're saying these guys aren't good enough for them, but your friends think the guys are good enough for you, so what does that really say about what kind of person they think you are? I'm totally speculating. There are a couple of things you can do here: Ask them why they would never date these guys. It could be that they don't think the guys aren't good enough; it could be something like, "he's too extroverted/introverted/smart/doesn't like the same type of music" or whatever. Another thing is tell them not to set you up with anyone, and to only do so when you want to be set up.
So, the new guy told your BFF is interested in you. You are interested in him. Ergo, go out with him. She also said that she'd be happy if you and him got together - take that at face value.
she is thinking about also breaking up with a boy she has been with and living with for *years* while I have still never had a boyfriend (so she's choosing between two "haves" and here I am still "have not -ing",
Ok, so here's your chance to do something about that. You and the guy are both interested in each other, so go out with each other. You don't have to continue to be in that "not have" state; only you can change that.
Yeah, it's kind of messed up that she "tested" things with the guy. Tell her that. If she's having issues in her relationship, then maybe she should work on those, not borderline cheat on her partner. Also, have some respect for boundaries: she was willing to set you up with the guy, then she was thinking about making moves on him? Call her out.
She knows you're sensitive to guy issues, but you've gotta speak up when you're not ok with something. People screw up and can act like asshats. Don't expect people to tend to your needs/read your mind all the time - speak up.
If you go out with the guy, there doesn't have to be drama. Putting in strong boundaries would prevent drama. E.g. you and him don't talk about your BFF, and you and your BFF don't talk about the new guy. Yeah, it's hard not to share that stuff with your BFF, but given the short, drama-filled history thus far, it's probably the healthiest thing to do. Listen to her when she wants to vent about her bf, but other that that, go have fun with the guy - why not?
posted by foxjacket at 5:28 PM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think you are hurt by this because by saying that, they're saying these guys aren't good enough for them, but your friends think the guys are good enough for you, so what does that really say about what kind of person they think you are? I'm totally speculating. There are a couple of things you can do here: Ask them why they would never date these guys. It could be that they don't think the guys aren't good enough; it could be something like, "he's too extroverted/introverted/smart/doesn't like the same type of music" or whatever. Another thing is tell them not to set you up with anyone, and to only do so when you want to be set up.
So, the new guy told your BFF is interested in you. You are interested in him. Ergo, go out with him. She also said that she'd be happy if you and him got together - take that at face value.
she is thinking about also breaking up with a boy she has been with and living with for *years* while I have still never had a boyfriend (so she's choosing between two "haves" and here I am still "have not -ing",
Ok, so here's your chance to do something about that. You and the guy are both interested in each other, so go out with each other. You don't have to continue to be in that "not have" state; only you can change that.
Yeah, it's kind of messed up that she "tested" things with the guy. Tell her that. If she's having issues in her relationship, then maybe she should work on those, not borderline cheat on her partner. Also, have some respect for boundaries: she was willing to set you up with the guy, then she was thinking about making moves on him? Call her out.
She knows you're sensitive to guy issues, but you've gotta speak up when you're not ok with something. People screw up and can act like asshats. Don't expect people to tend to your needs/read your mind all the time - speak up.
If you go out with the guy, there doesn't have to be drama. Putting in strong boundaries would prevent drama. E.g. you and him don't talk about your BFF, and you and your BFF don't talk about the new guy. Yeah, it's hard not to share that stuff with your BFF, but given the short, drama-filled history thus far, it's probably the healthiest thing to do. Listen to her when she wants to vent about her bf, but other that that, go have fun with the guy - why not?
posted by foxjacket at 5:28 PM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Take people at their word. You like him, he likes you, she said she wanted to fix you up with him--you have 100% green light to move ahead.
If she was lying or playing games, that's her problem. If she gets upset if you and he start dating, that's her problem. It's not your job as a friend to read her mind.
Move on the guy now! Let her sort out her own shit.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:51 PM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
If she was lying or playing games, that's her problem. If she gets upset if you and he start dating, that's her problem. It's not your job as a friend to read her mind.
Move on the guy now! Let her sort out her own shit.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:51 PM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, frankly, you need to not do this thing where you rely completely on other people to set up your love life and then criticize them for what they do, okay?
Seriously!
It's not your friends' responsibility to facilitate your relationships. At all. If this guy is interested in you, he should ask you out. You should have asked him out. Sure, it sucks when your friend likes the guy that you're interested in, but she's hanging out with him and seems to have a friendship/relationship with him while you don't. She seems to have taken some initiative, while you have not.
And I think it's none of your business whether or not she leaves her boyfriend for this guy. Love is messy, but I think if you're young, and you don't have kids, and you don't own property together, there is really no reason to end a relationship that's not working out, and possibly start a new one. I don't think she should go out with this guy if he's interested in you, though. But you can't rely on her to make things happen for you.
Get out there. Go for things on your own. Your friends can help, but you sound overly dependent on your best friend.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:51 PM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Seriously!
It's not your friends' responsibility to facilitate your relationships. At all. If this guy is interested in you, he should ask you out. You should have asked him out. Sure, it sucks when your friend likes the guy that you're interested in, but she's hanging out with him and seems to have a friendship/relationship with him while you don't. She seems to have taken some initiative, while you have not.
And I think it's none of your business whether or not she leaves her boyfriend for this guy. Love is messy, but I think if you're young, and you don't have kids, and you don't own property together, there is really no reason to end a relationship that's not working out, and possibly start a new one. I don't think she should go out with this guy if he's interested in you, though. But you can't rely on her to make things happen for you.
Get out there. Go for things on your own. Your friends can help, but you sound overly dependent on your best friend.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:51 PM on February 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you like this guy and he said he likes you, I say go for it and don't talk to her about it any more than necessary. It isn't fair to you and to him if she tries to set this guy up as her backup plan if she decides to end he current relationship. Just because she's friends with this guy and friends with you doesn't give her the right to manage your lives and interest for her own purposes.
posted by MadamM at 4:22 PM on February 16, 2012