How do I get over my sensitivity to people's tics?
February 6, 2012 2:21 PM   Subscribe

Help me understand and get over my extreme repulsion to certain human sounds.

For as long as I can remember there are certain human noises and tics that make my skin crawl. When I am around someone who is making these sounds it takes everything in me not to blow up at them. I don't ever act on the impulse but for whatever reason it's there. Often I have to leave the room just to feel sane. I think this problem actually contributed to the demise of one relationship, and I know now I could never date someone who had irritating habits of this sort. A lot of people I've been around don't have these habits but there are a few close relatives who do, and it is hard for me to relax in their presence.

Here are some of the worst offenders for me:
1) frequent, audible lip licking -- this is like nails on a chalkboard to me
2) slurpy eating
3) constant sighing

My father is like a bundle of annoying tics, and as a result I always feel irritable around him. He does all of the above and more: this weird popping thing with his lips every 30 seconds or so, constant clearing of his throat, explosive sneezes that make me jump. He even repositions his balls right in front of me.

Why do I have such a sensitivity to these habits? I've never met anyone else who has this problem.

I just wish I could be more chill. How do I get over/deal with it?
posted by timsneezed to Human Relations (26 answers total) 23 users marked this as a favorite
 
I get a bit like this when I am overtired/over-caffeinated. Does coffee make it worse for you? If so maybe try cutting down.
posted by Chairboy at 2:23 PM on February 6, 2012


Best answer: Yeah, I have some of this Misophonia.
Sometimes I leave the room. Sometimes I gently explain to people and they make an effort to be a tad quieter while I crank up the music a bit.
posted by Glinn at 2:27 PM on February 6, 2012 [4 favorites]


Welcome to the land of Misophonia! Memail me if you wanna talk about it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 2:36 PM on February 6, 2012


I had no idea that Misophonia existed until I listened to this podcast. My husband laughed and said "It's you!" (yup)
posted by biscuits at 2:40 PM on February 6, 2012


Yep. Misophonia. I wish I had a better answer but mine is to avoid people who make the noises that bother me - with eating noises a lot of people don't realize when they're doing it and then think you're nuts when it bothers you. It stresses me out enough just waiting for them to smack their lips or pop their gum again that it's simply not worth it.

Family dinners used to be an absolute curse because they are all loud eaters. My mom even said as a kid I used to complain about a friend's family when I went to their house for dinner b/c they all chewed with mouths open.

If I find out someone is a gum snapper and chews gum on a regular basis, I will not pursue friendship with that person. It is a deal-breaker when it comes to dating, but luckily most guys I date can't stand this either.

Stress makes it much worse.
posted by fromageball at 2:40 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


google "soft sound sensitivity"

also:


posted by wurly at 2:42 PM on February 6, 2012


http://www.chat-hyperacusis.net/post?id=1380172&trail=250
posted by wurly at 2:43 PM on February 6, 2012


Nthing misophonia. Nthing "If you find a cure, let me know!" Nthing that my own state of mind and/or my personal feelings about the offender make it worse.

Sometimes I feel like a proto-form of mindfulness meditation helps. It calms the immediate panic reaction, anyway.
posted by supercres at 2:44 PM on February 6, 2012


Misphonia for the win!

You're certainly not the only one. My husband nearly exploded when we had a very, very loud gum-chewing girl in our car. The only thing that kept him from screaming at her was her age (she's my 11-year-old daughter's friend). He had to stay in a quiet room for quite some time to calm down.

What's helped him is voicing it, at least to family members. He knows it's not entirely rational and he'll start out with saying that, and then he'll tell them what's bothering him. When he just has to deal with it, he'll try to get a song going in his head, or he'll start reciting geometry formulas to himself.
posted by cooker girl at 2:45 PM on February 6, 2012


Response by poster: Nthing that my own state of mind and/or my personal feelings about the offender make it worse.

Yes!

And I start to actually resent -- sometimes even dislike in a primal sort of way -- the offender, which makes me feel terrible.
posted by timsneezed at 2:46 PM on February 6, 2012


I have this too, but perhaps not quite as intensely as you do. For me, mouth sounds are the worst (lip smacking, chewing sounds, or just that sound of moistness). Sometimes, if I can't see the person making the noise (for example, when I'm at a cafe and they're at the next table) it can help if I can imagine the sound is coming from some other source, like something mechanical. It's still annoying, but it seems less gross and helps keep my blood pressure down.
posted by pompelmo at 2:50 PM on February 6, 2012


Yes, I have this, I get a bit loopy when I hear someone click their nails. Loud swallowing too. As well as all of the things you mentioned.

I try to go a bit zen and remember that (other than the clicking which is just really annoying) the other person can't often control what they're doing - it's not their fault and yelling at them isn't going to do anything other than make everyone embarrassed. And then I leave the room.
posted by mleigh at 2:52 PM on February 6, 2012


if I can imagine the sound is coming from some other source, like something mechanical

Ugh, I'm the opposite. I have some kind of 6th sense for bodily noises. Suddenly a noise will catch my attention and I strain to hear and realize it is someone chewing gum. Then I fixate on the noise until it stops. If I strain to hear and realize it actually is something mechanical, then I can ignore it.
posted by fromageball at 2:54 PM on February 6, 2012


Best answer: I'm a fellow sufferer, and also find my sensitivity vastly increased with emotional attachment to the 'perp'. It sometimes verges on 'dealbreaker' in relationships because his eating noises sound so screeching and disgusting to me/my reaction looks so crazy to him. My partner is currently wearing braces on his teeth and thus particularly squicky noise-making - I am nigh-on certifiable if I can't escape the room.

I always have to put music or a fan on at home, but elsewhere it's not possible and I have to distract my brain with a well-traveled mindfulness exercise. Often I 'sing' inside my head or try to return to a pleasant thought like a favourite movie scene or something. I can't believe that sometimes, particularly around family, I have to subtly wear earplugs. If I'm cooking, then I make un-crunchy food so I can damage control. But mostly, I give myself a break by stepping away if possible. When I was a child, I ate in a different room to everyone else - I wish I could do that as an adult!
posted by honey-barbara at 3:10 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


Just to offer a different point of view, is it possible you hate these sounds because you associate them with your father being annoying? If that is the case, maybe knowing the root could be helpful in overcoming it.

For example, it drives me up the wall when people yell from room to room in a house to communicate information because when I was growing up my dad was slightly hard of hearing and yet always persisted in yelling questions up the stairs to my mom and I, resulting in a frustrating k-hole of "What'd you say?!" "I said the flashlight is in the garage!" "The flashlight is in the what?" "THE GARAGE" "The what?" "OH MY GODDDDDD! *teen-angst voice*" Anyway, realizing the root of why it drives me so crazy has been helpful in curtailing my immediate response of "OH MY GODDDDD" and also explaining why I hate it so much, which helps my SO remember not to do it.
posted by wuzandfuzz at 3:12 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


Wait, this is an actual condition? Wow!

Anyway, I am very similar to this. The sounds of chewing are pretty disgusting to me. When I am eating with other people, it's not typically an issue because I am also chewing and because there is usually enough conversation happening that I don't notice the chewing sounds.

When I am with just one or two other people and I am not eating...I notice it. And it really grosses me out. Most of the time, I just sort of bear it. But, I am honest with my fiancee and basically say: "I know you are chewing like a normal person, but it bugs me, so please don't be offended that i I am [leaving the room for a moment; sort of covering the ear that is closest to you; etc.]." I think, at first, she might have been offended but now she knows it is just a quirk of mine and will laugh when she sees me kind of covering my ears when she is sitting beside me having a snack.
posted by asnider at 3:41 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


I'm not sure if I have an actual condition or am just neurotic/forever alone, but the loud "pop" sound of kissing makes me rage inside. I even hate it when it's me that's doing the kissing (not often). I'm not bothered at all by seeing a couple kissing, it's just that sound that briefly blossoms hatred inside. I know it's sad, I just can't help it.
posted by WhitenoisE at 4:23 PM on February 6, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have a lot of sensory defensivenesses around specific sounds that were really helped by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I don't know if that would feel like too much effort for this problem, or if CBT would be as effective with people who didn't have overall sensory defensiveness issues, but it was really helpful to me.

(I'm not going to say what the sounds in question are because I don't want to give the squicks to anyone...)
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:51 PM on February 6, 2012


Not to be offensive in any way, but I'm curious about this. I can't help but wonder if any of the folks who are suffering with this are also dealing with Asberger's Syndrome or some variant of autism because one of my wonderful friends, whom I've known for many years, had this type of ultra-sensitivity to the little body noises that neither I nor our other friends ever noticed and many years later she was diagnosed with a form of Asberger's. She was told that people affected by it more severely could hear the breath sounds, swallowing, stomach growling, etc. for everyone in the room and it's a nightmare.

Also not meaning to be offensive, but I wonder if a hearing aid would work to turn down the sound or maybe provide some type of white noise to cover these irritating sounds.

More and more I realize just how fortunate I am.
posted by aryma at 11:29 PM on February 6, 2012


Oh, blast it - I meant Asperger's Syndrome (I knew I was going to do that!). Sorry.
posted by aryma at 11:30 PM on February 6, 2012


Response by poster: Aryma -- I think in some cases you're right. Mild autism runs on my father's side of the family, and I definitely have a touch of OCD. My brother has Asperger Syndrome but he doesn't seem to have the same aversion I do to certain sounds.
posted by timsneezed at 11:45 PM on February 6, 2012


Best answer: OH GOD I READ PARTWAY DOWN AND HAD TO STOP READING GNAAAA

If you don't have an iPod, get one. It's not a luxury, it's a necessity.

Onto it, download some recordings of white noise. The Ambience app has lots of fun variations on this.

For the workplace, get yourself some Bose noise-cancelling headphones. Once again, these are a necessity and not a luxury.

For walking around outdoors, get some noise-cancelling earbuds - not as good, but enough to get you through the day. Well, that and beta blockers.

This is not a perfect solution, and if you are not very very careful the noise will damage your hearing. So be very very careful.

And add "noisy eaters" and "gum snappers" to your list of "guys not to date", up there along with "Cluster B personality disorders". Actually, now I know why I was attracted to some guys who turned out to have personality disorders. Because at least narcissists are too vain to chew gum or eat grossly. (Until they REEL YOU IN, whereupon they presumably start SNARFING THEIR FOOD LIKE WATER BUFFALO.)
posted by tel3path at 4:00 AM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


Best answer: As others have said, these are the only things that will help:

1. Reduce stress, get enough sleep, avoid things that hype up that pesky inner monologue (caffeine), and just generally be very defensive of a healthy state of mind.
2. Ambient noise is life saving. I prefer brown noise, since it cancels or masks the frequencies that drive me the most nuts. Use headphones whenever you possibly can.

And then the two most important points (for me):
3. Never google this again. Don't join some niche support group. Try to be redirect that OCD part of your brain to something else when it wants to fixate on how much it sucks having this neurosis that sucks. Do not let it define you.
4. Do not tell people that aren't your family or SOs. Just don't. Once you tell, the following things will happen:
-The newly enlightened party will just think you are batshit insane
-You're OCD brain will be even more fixated on the sounds this person makes that offend you, because for whatever reason it's worse if they know and still do it. It goes into WHY ARE YOU HURTING ME INTENTIONALLY territory, even when you know they aren't, because this stupid condition sucks ass.

Stay sane, friend.
posted by skrozidile at 7:57 AM on February 7, 2012 [2 favorites]


Response by poster: 4. Do not tell people that aren't your family or SOs. Just don't. Once you tell, the following things will happen:
-The newly enlightened party will just think you are batshit insane


My experience telling relatives and SOs hasn't been great either. They usually don't understand or they accuse me of being nuts. Have you found a way to get people to understand?

Luckily my current boyfriend isn't a noisy eater or lip smacker, so it hasn't come up.
posted by timsneezed at 12:46 PM on February 7, 2012


Best answer: I've found that a significant portion of your everyday normal folks have weird triggers for at least the skin crawling or nails-on-a-chalk-board reaction. I've encountered the following examples:
-An ex hated the feeling of metal on his skin. Any metal.
-Another ex hated the feeling of fleece.
-A high school friend hated the sound of skin being scratched.
-Loads of people hate typical fidgeting activities (like tapping). Teachers especially.

If you can start the conversation with "hey, you know how [x-trigger] makes you feel [y-weird response]? I get a similar, but bizarrely out of proportion annoyed feeling* to [SO MANY SOUNDS OHMYGAH]. I wish I could change this, but all I can do is manage my response to the feeling. This is why I leave sometimes when [THE SOUNDSSS] are going on - I don't want to make this anyone else's problem."

I try to deny the impulse to ask other people to change their behavior. I tell myself over and over (and over) that the trigger can't possibly last forever, and if I need to leave, I leave. This approach has actually drastically reduced my level of fixation on the fact that this is something I deal with every damn day. It is manageable.


*No need to disclose the burning, lava hot rage level of "annoyed." Nope. Not even a thing!
posted by skrozidile at 6:23 PM on February 7, 2012 [1 favorite]


Thanks for this thread because I was thinking I was batshit crazy for having this tic.

I can't stand the sound of people eating. It's weird because even the slightest sounds like swallowing or a lip smack will make me shudder in terror - I can even stand our parrot screaming but not the softness of someone eating.
I get incredibly agitated and I've snapped at people a few times - I feel awful and embarrassed about it. Thought I was a little nuts. Relation to OCD is interesting.

Mainly I just turn the TV - gotta combat sound with sound. Focusing on something else might help if you've got the concentration of a zen master - but for the rest of us schmucks, there has to be something else in the room to fix it.
posted by apfel at 1:49 PM on February 8, 2012


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