Trying to convince myself that it's not really my problem
February 4, 2012 2:28 PM Subscribe
How do I stop worrying about my significant other's problems and get on with my own life?
My SO and I just moved to a new apartment. It was a mutual decision, we had both approved of the place, thought it would be great, met all our needs. Now that we're moved in, he hates it. I am happy with it, however. His hatred of the apartment results in him being depressed and complaining about things whenever he's at home.
My issue is, I can't stop feeling responsible for his sadness. I know there's nothing I can do to change how he feels, so I need to move on with my own life and stop being burdened by his problems. How can I get past this? It's especially difficult because we live together - whenever we're both at home, his feelings are, to put it one way, "present." As a note, the apartment situation is just an example of the kind of thing that will cause him to feel this way - other things that are entirely unrelated to me, like him having a bad day at work, will result in him being depressed and me becoming consumed with worry and trying to make him feel better.
Has anyone been through something like this before? Do I need to get out of the house more often? I hesitate to talk to him about the effects his behavior has on me, since that tends to make him feel bad about feeling bad.
My SO and I just moved to a new apartment. It was a mutual decision, we had both approved of the place, thought it would be great, met all our needs. Now that we're moved in, he hates it. I am happy with it, however. His hatred of the apartment results in him being depressed and complaining about things whenever he's at home.
My issue is, I can't stop feeling responsible for his sadness. I know there's nothing I can do to change how he feels, so I need to move on with my own life and stop being burdened by his problems. How can I get past this? It's especially difficult because we live together - whenever we're both at home, his feelings are, to put it one way, "present." As a note, the apartment situation is just an example of the kind of thing that will cause him to feel this way - other things that are entirely unrelated to me, like him having a bad day at work, will result in him being depressed and me becoming consumed with worry and trying to make him feel better.
Has anyone been through something like this before? Do I need to get out of the house more often? I hesitate to talk to him about the effects his behavior has on me, since that tends to make him feel bad about feeling bad.
I've been through this. Why isn't there a compromise on the books here, though? You guys live together. Of course this problem is both of yours to share. Have you asked him what he needs from you to feel better?
You could also put it to him this way: "Hey, I love you so much, and it's killing me to see how sad you are about our mutual decision to move into this apartment. I hate seeing you so unhappy, and I really want to help. What can I do?"
If his answer is nothing, that's when you need to get a little assertive. "I wish there *were* something I could do, because it's hard on me as well, and I feel very helpless. What can we do right now to start moving towards a better place?" And just insist on it. Tell him that he needs to take his unhappiness outside more. Suggest that maybe he needs to move out for the time being and see if that impacts his well-being (and yours). Affirm you'll support him and assert that your needs need to be met too.
It almost sounds like you want to dump him and kick him out/wait till he bails. I'm reading that wrong though, right?
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 2:37 PM on February 4, 2012
You could also put it to him this way: "Hey, I love you so much, and it's killing me to see how sad you are about our mutual decision to move into this apartment. I hate seeing you so unhappy, and I really want to help. What can I do?"
If his answer is nothing, that's when you need to get a little assertive. "I wish there *were* something I could do, because it's hard on me as well, and I feel very helpless. What can we do right now to start moving towards a better place?" And just insist on it. Tell him that he needs to take his unhappiness outside more. Suggest that maybe he needs to move out for the time being and see if that impacts his well-being (and yours). Affirm you'll support him and assert that your needs need to be met too.
It almost sounds like you want to dump him and kick him out/wait till he bails. I'm reading that wrong though, right?
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 2:37 PM on February 4, 2012
I've had similar problems with my SO.
First of all, it's probably not about the apartment. It's likely that your SO is depressed, and that's coloring his perception of his life in general and his living situation specifically. Unless there are specific, concrete, unforeseen problems with the place, then the apartment complaints are probably something of a red herring.
That said.
I love my own SO very much, and I try very hard to be understanding when he's going through a rough spot. (As he is today, coincidentally.) My end of the relationship bargain is that I take what he says and does on these days with a grain of salt, cut him a little slack, and minimize how much I ask him to do things like go out to events with me.
His end of the bargain is that he makes an effort not to let his depression completely ruin MY day as well as his. He makes every effort to be kind to me, and to tell me that it's not that I've done anything wrong. And if he can't bring himself to be civil and finds that every time he opens his mouth a torrent of negativity pours out, he goes into another room and shuts the door and doesn't come out again until he's gotten himself sorted out.
This system only works because I've talked to him about how his behavior affects my own mood, and because he loves me enough to take steps to alleviate the worst of that impact.
We aren't islands. I understand you're not wanting him to "feel bad about feeling bad," but he's an adult and has to meet you in the middle here.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 2:42 PM on February 4, 2012 [27 favorites]
First of all, it's probably not about the apartment. It's likely that your SO is depressed, and that's coloring his perception of his life in general and his living situation specifically. Unless there are specific, concrete, unforeseen problems with the place, then the apartment complaints are probably something of a red herring.
That said.
I love my own SO very much, and I try very hard to be understanding when he's going through a rough spot. (As he is today, coincidentally.) My end of the relationship bargain is that I take what he says and does on these days with a grain of salt, cut him a little slack, and minimize how much I ask him to do things like go out to events with me.
His end of the bargain is that he makes an effort not to let his depression completely ruin MY day as well as his. He makes every effort to be kind to me, and to tell me that it's not that I've done anything wrong. And if he can't bring himself to be civil and finds that every time he opens his mouth a torrent of negativity pours out, he goes into another room and shuts the door and doesn't come out again until he's gotten himself sorted out.
This system only works because I've talked to him about how his behavior affects my own mood, and because he loves me enough to take steps to alleviate the worst of that impact.
We aren't islands. I understand you're not wanting him to "feel bad about feeling bad," but he's an adult and has to meet you in the middle here.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 2:42 PM on February 4, 2012 [27 favorites]
I agree with NP. There is something besides the apartment at work here. Also, knowing if y'all lived together before this is really important. If not, I think it becomes easier to see the problem.
posted by holdkris99 at 2:59 PM on February 4, 2012
posted by holdkris99 at 2:59 PM on February 4, 2012
Best answer: I hesitate to talk to him about the effects his behavior has on me, since that tends to make him feel bad about feeling bad.
He needs to know and take responsibility for how his actions affect you. Taking responsibility could be getting therapy, working out a bad day through exercise, meditation or whatever works for him. If you don't change this dynamic you may become co-dependent where he is depressed and you are anxious and trying to manage how he is feeling, or else you may become resentful that you are doing the heavy emotional work of the relationship and allowing his bad mood to be prioritised over your needs all the time.
You need to have the conversation in a shit sandwich way (positive, negative, positive): "I love you and I am happy living with you. I love making dinner together (...or whatever positives you see in living together). Your negativity, complaining about problems and not taking any actions to solve them is not something I enjoy and is really affecting my life too. What things do you think you can do to make this a happier place for both of us? This is a serious problem for me. Is there anything I can do to help you work on this problem? I want to keep living with your and have fun together like we used to do. I am looking forward to having friends over soon (or some joint thing you guys have planned) and want to keep living with you."
posted by saucysault at 3:06 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
He needs to know and take responsibility for how his actions affect you. Taking responsibility could be getting therapy, working out a bad day through exercise, meditation or whatever works for him. If you don't change this dynamic you may become co-dependent where he is depressed and you are anxious and trying to manage how he is feeling, or else you may become resentful that you are doing the heavy emotional work of the relationship and allowing his bad mood to be prioritised over your needs all the time.
You need to have the conversation in a shit sandwich way (positive, negative, positive): "I love you and I am happy living with you. I love making dinner together (...or whatever positives you see in living together). Your negativity, complaining about problems and not taking any actions to solve them is not something I enjoy and is really affecting my life too. What things do you think you can do to make this a happier place for both of us? This is a serious problem for me. Is there anything I can do to help you work on this problem? I want to keep living with your and have fun together like we used to do. I am looking forward to having friends over soon (or some joint thing you guys have planned) and want to keep living with you."
posted by saucysault at 3:06 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @holdkris99 and @rhizome: We were living together in a different apartment before moving here.
@These Birds of a Feather: I don't want to break up or kick him out - the ideal result would be us continuing to live together.
posted by seiryuu at 3:17 PM on February 4, 2012
@These Birds of a Feather: I don't want to break up or kick him out - the ideal result would be us continuing to live together.
posted by seiryuu at 3:17 PM on February 4, 2012
Best answer: If it really, truly, without a doubt is the apartment, and only the apartment, that is making him depressed, break your lease and move out. If that doesn't make financial sense right now, look at your budget, figure out when you'll be able to afford to do so, and then scrimp and save until you can. In the meantime, he may feel better just knowing that there is an end date in sight; he might also adjust to the apartment making moving unnecessary.
Can you tell us why he hates the apartment so much? Exactly how long have you lived there? Was moving very stressful? Is his commute longer or more frustrating? Do you have less space to get alone time when necessary?
It sounds likely that he has depressive tendencies, in which case therapy/medication could be in order. How often does he "have a bad day" or otherwise get depressed? Was this at all a problem before you moved?
And, to actually answer your question, give yourself a set amount of time to console him/feel bad with him. 15 minutes, half an hour, however long you feel is reasonable. Then, decide you're going to do something else, and invite him. Watch a movie, play a board game, cook a nice meal, take a walk, whatever. If he doesn't want to, fine, he can sulk by himself. If he does, but continues to be negative, tell him you know he's feeling down but you want to enjoy the evening/weekend/etc and change the subject to something more positive.
posted by krakenattack at 4:23 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Can you tell us why he hates the apartment so much? Exactly how long have you lived there? Was moving very stressful? Is his commute longer or more frustrating? Do you have less space to get alone time when necessary?
It sounds likely that he has depressive tendencies, in which case therapy/medication could be in order. How often does he "have a bad day" or otherwise get depressed? Was this at all a problem before you moved?
And, to actually answer your question, give yourself a set amount of time to console him/feel bad with him. 15 minutes, half an hour, however long you feel is reasonable. Then, decide you're going to do something else, and invite him. Watch a movie, play a board game, cook a nice meal, take a walk, whatever. If he doesn't want to, fine, he can sulk by himself. If he does, but continues to be negative, tell him you know he's feeling down but you want to enjoy the evening/weekend/etc and change the subject to something more positive.
posted by krakenattack at 4:23 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
You need to learn to let him be depressed. Krakenattack's suggestion of setting a time limit for how long you try to cheer him up is a good one.
I also find, when my SO is feeling down, that trying to say directly cheering things like "Aw, it's not so bad, I love you, things will get better" doesn't work so great. Getting him to talk about his day helps more. Basic things like hugs and making dinner are also good. But then, at some point, I got to go read a book or do some work and just let him be bummed.
If this is a long-term persistent problem, you should insist on him seeing a therapist, because in the long run it will be pretty emotionally draining for you if you're the only support he has.
posted by daisystomper at 4:37 PM on February 4, 2012
I also find, when my SO is feeling down, that trying to say directly cheering things like "Aw, it's not so bad, I love you, things will get better" doesn't work so great. Getting him to talk about his day helps more. Basic things like hugs and making dinner are also good. But then, at some point, I got to go read a book or do some work and just let him be bummed.
If this is a long-term persistent problem, you should insist on him seeing a therapist, because in the long run it will be pretty emotionally draining for you if you're the only support he has.
posted by daisystomper at 4:37 PM on February 4, 2012
Response by poster: To clarify, the apartment isn't the issue. The issue I'm dealing with is, I can't seem to stop myself from blaming myself and trying to fix things whenever my SO is depressed.
posted by seiryuu at 5:32 PM on February 4, 2012
posted by seiryuu at 5:32 PM on February 4, 2012
Best answer: You need to work on your boundaries. And you guys need to work on communication. When he's upset, you need to talk about what you can do to help him. He needs to be honest with you about what you can do. If the answer is nothing, I just need space - you need to take that at face value and go do something else for a while. You are not responsible for his happiness.
If that seems totally impossible to you, maybe consider seeing a therapist yourself. Boundaries are really, really important for happiness. A lot of people have trouble establishing and maintaining boundaries - I know it's been an issue for me, and one that therapy has helped a lot with.
posted by insectosaurus at 5:54 PM on February 4, 2012
If that seems totally impossible to you, maybe consider seeing a therapist yourself. Boundaries are really, really important for happiness. A lot of people have trouble establishing and maintaining boundaries - I know it's been an issue for me, and one that therapy has helped a lot with.
posted by insectosaurus at 5:54 PM on February 4, 2012
1. How big of a rent increase is this for the both of you and are you splitting the costs equally?
2 . Are you both employed?
3. What is the commuting cost difference in time and money to each of you to your jobs?
posted by Rafaelloello at 5:56 PM on February 4, 2012
2 . Are you both employed?
3. What is the commuting cost difference in time and money to each of you to your jobs?
posted by Rafaelloello at 5:56 PM on February 4, 2012
Best answer: Is he working on his depression? Because I think the solution here depends on that.
If he's in therapy and doing things like exercising, meditating, trying medication, etc. then I think the solution for you is, yes, to get out of the apartment more and to focus on things that make you happy--basically, to distract yourself. When he starts complaining, you change the subject, offer something positive ("Let's do XYZ fun thing we like to do"), and if he needs to just sit with his depression for a bit, you get out and do something for you.
If he's not working on his depression, then I think you need to be more direct about the effect his depression has on you. Sure, he might feel bad to hear it, but in a relationship it's ok to say, "I'm not ok with you letting your mental illness go untreated: it hurts to be around you when you're depressed and aren't getting help."
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:00 PM on February 4, 2012
If he's in therapy and doing things like exercising, meditating, trying medication, etc. then I think the solution for you is, yes, to get out of the apartment more and to focus on things that make you happy--basically, to distract yourself. When he starts complaining, you change the subject, offer something positive ("Let's do XYZ fun thing we like to do"), and if he needs to just sit with his depression for a bit, you get out and do something for you.
If he's not working on his depression, then I think you need to be more direct about the effect his depression has on you. Sure, he might feel bad to hear it, but in a relationship it's ok to say, "I'm not ok with you letting your mental illness go untreated: it hurts to be around you when you're depressed and aren't getting help."
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:00 PM on February 4, 2012
Is he direct with you when he's depressed or having a bad day? Or does he sort of mope and give off unhappy vibes while professing that nothing is wrong?
My SO used to do that because he doesn't like to talk things out when he's depressed. That would make me feel crazy because he clearly wasn't ok, but he claimed he was, and it made me feel like I was doing something wrong, or that I didn't understand him in some fundamental way. Eventually I was able to make it clear to him how his mood effected me, and he agreed that he would tell me when he was down, and I agreed that I would give him the space he needed. Now his moods don't bother me so much because I don't feel cut off from him emotionally, and I know that I'm helping (or at least not hurting) by leaving him alone.
If that rings a bell for you (or even if your situation is different) you do need to have a frank conversation with him about how his moods effect you. Ideally you can do this when he's not having a bad day, and he can tell you what he needs from you when he is having a bad day, whether that means leaving him alone or making his favorite meal or whatever. I think it would help if you have suggestions that he can choose from or use as starting points, otherwise it can be overwhelming to pull a solution out of the blue.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 7:40 PM on February 4, 2012
My SO used to do that because he doesn't like to talk things out when he's depressed. That would make me feel crazy because he clearly wasn't ok, but he claimed he was, and it made me feel like I was doing something wrong, or that I didn't understand him in some fundamental way. Eventually I was able to make it clear to him how his mood effected me, and he agreed that he would tell me when he was down, and I agreed that I would give him the space he needed. Now his moods don't bother me so much because I don't feel cut off from him emotionally, and I know that I'm helping (or at least not hurting) by leaving him alone.
If that rings a bell for you (or even if your situation is different) you do need to have a frank conversation with him about how his moods effect you. Ideally you can do this when he's not having a bad day, and he can tell you what he needs from you when he is having a bad day, whether that means leaving him alone or making his favorite meal or whatever. I think it would help if you have suggestions that he can choose from or use as starting points, otherwise it can be overwhelming to pull a solution out of the blue.
posted by (Over) Thinking at 7:40 PM on February 4, 2012
My SO and I also just moved into a new apartment. The difference is that we moved in to this apartment after having lived together in a house for more the past year that I completely hated. Despised and loathed. For more than a year, I would say "I can't wait to move" multiple times a week and thought about it a lot more.
I complained a lot but my SO didn't let it get him down, and it became a bit of a running joke about how much I hated it. What did help me is that we had an "escape plan" set in place so I knew when we would be moving out.
It's very difficult to live in a place one hates (I, too, thought I would like the house). I don't know how my SO didn't take it on emotionally, he's just like that. I think in this case, the only solution is to find a practical solution to remedy the situation. I don't think finding a new place to live should equate to you blaming yourself.
posted by DeltaForce at 8:39 PM on February 4, 2012
I complained a lot but my SO didn't let it get him down, and it became a bit of a running joke about how much I hated it. What did help me is that we had an "escape plan" set in place so I knew when we would be moving out.
It's very difficult to live in a place one hates (I, too, thought I would like the house). I don't know how my SO didn't take it on emotionally, he's just like that. I think in this case, the only solution is to find a practical solution to remedy the situation. I don't think finding a new place to live should equate to you blaming yourself.
posted by DeltaForce at 8:39 PM on February 4, 2012
It's hard not to take an SO's depression and negativity personally. That's usually what makes me feel responsible to "help." I feel somehow if I were a better gf I could snap him out of it. Or if I were more adequate he'd appreciate what he has and be "happy" blah blah blah. What kind of thoughts are going through your head when you're 'making it your problem'? Maybe Saying "this is not about me" and distracting yourself with some activity or leaving the house could help. Other times when you want to help, do something concrete like make dinner or do the laundry.
posted by Katine at 3:08 PM on February 5, 2012
posted by Katine at 3:08 PM on February 5, 2012
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posted by Namlit at 2:34 PM on February 4, 2012 [1 favorite]