My brain isn't very nice to me.
February 1, 2012 2:49 PM Subscribe
Why do I still care about how my ex treated me when I don't have any feelings for him? How do I stop caring that he's getting married to his pregnant girlfriend?
posted by biochemist to Human Relations (31 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
It was a long distance relationship and he wasn't that into me. It was always me visiting him, me moving to be with him, etc. He'd told me that he wouldn't be willing to move to be with me, he would complain when I'd ask him to come visit me. He told me if I got pregnant and kept it he'd be there for me emotionally and that's it, so sex was this big thing that might eventually force us to break up if I got pregnant. He didn't want to move in with me and made a big deal over it, and even after I moved down there he didn't really want to spend time with me, etc.
There were some good times, but it all boiled down to he wasn't that into me. We broke up in April 2010.
I found out he was dating someone else some eight months after that and had moved cross-country to be with her. Then he'd moved in with her. That stung, but I eventually got over it. I got over the urge to check his facebook, stopped blaming myself for not being "good enough," etc.
The other day I checked because I was bored and doing the "let's see what my ex's are up to thing." That was a mistake. I found out that she was pregnant and they were excited about it and all they could talk was babies and etc. That really hurt because after two years together he was still in the "if you get pregnant and decide to keep it it's over" camp. I'd chalked up some of his behaviors to not being into me and just not realizing it at first, but the pregnancy scare thing and what he told me about it was just cruel. I don't understand what it is about me that made him want to treat me that way.
I checked again today because I managed to start the "can't stop checking their social networking sites" process over again and found out he'd proposed. Yesterday. After a year. When after two years with me he was still in the "I don't want to marry anyone, it's just a piece of paper." "I sometimes miss being single, I think if we ever break up I want to be single for a long time" camp. And it isn't even like his financial situation has improved enough to be ready for a child. It's worse than it was when he was seeing me. Though I guess the two years might have made him feel emotionally ready for a child, or maybe they had a scare too and he said the same "abortion or it's over" thing but maybe she was OK with an abortion but when it actually happened they were both like "wow, I could never get an abortion!"
I don't understand why any of this bothers me. I asked myself if I could go back in time and be with him, would I? No. If I could magically become her, would I? No. I don't want a life with him, he's not the person I want to be with anymore. I asked myself if I wanted to be pregnant? No, not yet.
I hadn't even really thought about him until I got bored and checked his website. So why does finding all this out hurt so bad? I feel like it would be different if he'd treated me differently, but the fact that he wasn't a good boyfriend to me and the very next person he dated he's being a perfect gentleman to makes me feel like I'm defective in some way.
What adds onto it is that I've been experiencing a lot of bullying in my work place lately that I assumed would be over once I was out of high school. I feel like there's something about me that makes people want to treat me poorly, but I don't know what it is. It's like situations like when I was with him just seem to follow me around. I was bullied in gradeschool, middle school, and high school. Then I was bullied in my job after all that was over. And for some reason my relationships seem to consist of a) meet awesome person b) not be able to tell if awesome person is treating me right or not c) have multiple people tell me that i deserved better.
Ultimately, I'd really like to know how to either not care about what he's doing or to spin it into a positive like "at least he's changed and is happy now."
I know that therapy will probably be suggested, but I can't afford that right now, even on a sliding scale. When my funds improve it's definitely something I'll be doing.