Books in lieu of couples counseling
January 17, 2012 4:03 PM Subscribe
I'm looking for book recommendations for couples, in lieu of couples therapy.
My fiance and I have some troubles communicating. We're both very sensitive, so when one of us gets upset, the other is quick to react. I don't want to go into all of our issues, but we've worked together and separately quite a bit and are making great progress. This is awesome. However, we still fight every few weeks, usually because one or both of us feels insecure in the relationship. We end up having terrible fights that go on for days if we're not careful. This often happens because one of us feels insecure, the other person calms them down, and then that person starts to feel bad/insecure because of things the first person said when they were upset. We're both guilty of this cycle/pattern, and both initiate it equally.
We have How to Be An Adult in Relationships, which has been recommended here a bunch. Do you have any other recommendations for great books for couples to resolve their insecurity and communication issues?
I know that "we don't want to go to couples counseling" may cause some people to bristle and say "well you have to go to couples counseling to solve your problems," but we don't want to go to counseling. Instead, we'd like to read some books together and work on this problem as a team without outside mediation. We're both committed to this idea, much more than we are committed to the idea of couples therapy.
My fiance and I have some troubles communicating. We're both very sensitive, so when one of us gets upset, the other is quick to react. I don't want to go into all of our issues, but we've worked together and separately quite a bit and are making great progress. This is awesome. However, we still fight every few weeks, usually because one or both of us feels insecure in the relationship. We end up having terrible fights that go on for days if we're not careful. This often happens because one of us feels insecure, the other person calms them down, and then that person starts to feel bad/insecure because of things the first person said when they were upset. We're both guilty of this cycle/pattern, and both initiate it equally.
We have How to Be An Adult in Relationships, which has been recommended here a bunch. Do you have any other recommendations for great books for couples to resolve their insecurity and communication issues?
I know that "we don't want to go to couples counseling" may cause some people to bristle and say "well you have to go to couples counseling to solve your problems," but we don't want to go to counseling. Instead, we'd like to read some books together and work on this problem as a team without outside mediation. We're both committed to this idea, much more than we are committed to the idea of couples therapy.
David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage deal a lot with how to dampen down the emotional sensitivity to your partner's every little hint of possible rejection and abandonment. I think it would be a good fit for your specific dynamic.
I would suggest that you make it a rule that when one person feels insecure or bad, they go off by themself and calm down alone instead of relying on your partner to soothe you. Then when you talk about the problem you will be in a calmer, more rational place and less likely to say things you wish you hadn't.
posted by metahawk at 4:27 PM on January 17, 2012
I would suggest that you make it a rule that when one person feels insecure or bad, they go off by themself and calm down alone instead of relying on your partner to soothe you. Then when you talk about the problem you will be in a calmer, more rational place and less likely to say things you wish you hadn't.
posted by metahawk at 4:27 PM on January 17, 2012
Hold Me Tight was the book I found best at letting me understand the ways different people deal with attachment, it was also the kindest of the relationship books I've read. It also didn't blame all the fighting in the relationship on past damage which was very helpful to me at least!
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 4:44 PM on January 17, 2012
posted by Sweetchrysanthemum at 4:44 PM on January 17, 2012
Seconding metahawk.
posted by ocherdraco at 4:44 PM on January 17, 2012
posted by ocherdraco at 4:44 PM on January 17, 2012
From the reviews, Schnarch's newer book, Intimacy & Desire might be more accessible and easier to read than Passionate Marriage. You might to look at both and see which suits you better.
posted by metahawk at 5:19 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by metahawk at 5:19 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I saw this "...one of us feels insecure, the other person calms them down, and then that person starts to feel bad/insecure because of things the first person said when they were upset. We're both guilty of this cycle/pattern, and both initiate it equally." and thought:
David Burns' Intimate Connections. Ah-yep.
It's CBT for relationships in a book. The thoughts behind both your insecurities sound like they need some tweaking.
And do the exercises!
posted by droplet at 6:29 PM on January 17, 2012
David Burns' Intimate Connections. Ah-yep.
It's CBT for relationships in a book. The thoughts behind both your insecurities sound like they need some tweaking.
And do the exercises!
posted by droplet at 6:29 PM on January 17, 2012
The Five Love Languages helped me understand what I want from someone else and what I most easily offer.
posted by cardioid at 8:42 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by cardioid at 8:42 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
The execrably-titled but ridiculously helpful If the Buddha Dated and its followup If the Buddha Married. CAUTION: Contains woo. But it was nonetheless very good for my marriage.
posted by KathrynT at 10:04 PM on January 17, 2012
posted by KathrynT at 10:04 PM on January 17, 2012
Difficult Conversations. It's very logical and easy to understand. And it puts a reasonable context to problems couples often find themselves in. I recommend it highly.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 8:38 AM on January 18, 2012
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 8:38 AM on January 18, 2012
Seconding Schnarch's Passionate Marriage.
posted by feelinggood at 5:06 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by feelinggood at 5:06 PM on January 25, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
The book is a classic in the field of couples therapy. Hendrix himself has sterling academic credentials as well as a lot of clinical experience.
posted by BadgerDoctor at 4:19 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]