This is probably just in my head, but my guilt over my dog's quality of life is bringing me down
October 22, 2011 7:47 PM   Subscribe

I need help getting over some complicated feelings of homesickness and guilt regarding a recent international move. More details within.

If you look back over my recent posting history, you will see that I have lots of questions regarding my dog.
Log story short, we moved from a town in the US that was exceedingly dog friendly. Our pup spent most of her time off lease either in the back yard, or in the park that is located next to our house. Our house was spacious, and Raina (the pup), was content to chase squirrels, rabbits, deer, etc.
We made a drastic overseas move to a country where dogs are not treated with quite the same level of respect and care, and to make matters worse, my poor pup hasn't spent any time off lead, roaming through the woods, chasing deer and squirrels to her heart's desire. All of her walks now are on lead, and a very short one at that. I had to purchase a rather thick collar (as an alternative to a choke) to keep her in check. She's a rottweiler, and where we live now, Rotties are rare, and the prejudice is out of this world. We've taken to dressing her up in flowered leis to indicate to people that she is harmless (and she is), and yet, people still insist that we muzzle her, despite there being no muzzle law in the country where we live (Brazil, if that matters).
Although some things are great here - I am making her own dog food, which she loves, and she gets equal love and affection from her "peoples'", and she has even made some dog friends, I still can't shake the feeling that I have lessened her quality of life. My guilt over this fact is a bit overwhelming (tied up of course, with the shock of moving overseas and into a new culture (albeit a comfortable one). I would love to get her into a training program to help channel some of her energy (which is somewhat low, but she is a clever dog, and loves a job to do), but how can I say it? Dog training where I live seems to consist in large part with hitting and yelling to get your dogs to behave, and I have never subscribed to this particular training method. As a matter of fact, I oppose it quite strongly. As a result, a lot of the dogs that we meet on the street that Raina eagerly wants to sniff and perhaps play with, grow angry and snap at her, and it is clearly offputting.
So mefites, any suggestions? How do I assuage my guilt for having removed my dog from what I considered a perfect dog setting to a less than ideal one so that my husband and I can pursue some really promising business opportunities.
Maybe I just need to get over the guilt (and just a pinch of homesickness, I suppose). Any thoughts? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, especially from those who have had to move their dogs to less than ideal conditions.
For what it is worth - she is getting more exercise than ever - we walk on average 6 kilometers a day, so she is a tired happy dog. We also brought along a lot of her favorite treats and toys to make the transition more smooth, but I can't shake the nagging feeling that I have made a terrible mistake by bringing her here. We should have just stayed in the States, where she was perfectly happy.
posted by msali to Pets & Animals (21 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
Best answer: We should have just stayed in the States, where she was perfectly happy.

This question isn't about your dog. Your dog is as happy as ever.
posted by moxiedoll at 7:53 PM on October 22, 2011 [10 favorites]


Best answer: Honey, the dog's primary concern at all times is not Where are the Deer? but Where Are My People? Her people are with her, so she's happy. Dogs do not have the same sense of either the passage of time or nostalgia that humans do and you need to not overly anthropomorphise the dog. You have some genuine adjustment issues to deal with, namely the lack of an outlet for her energy, but you don't need to borrow trouble.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:04 PM on October 22, 2011 [8 favorites]


Your question is very timely for me today, personally. I won't bore the thread with the details.

---

I left a pet behind when I moved internationally back in 2001. I knew it would be bad for him (always knew, which is why I put the move itself off for over 7 years) but basically, it ended rather badly.

There were good times for him in between. He had a mate, a relationship I never thought was possible.

He's with me still in spirit, and this is why I have my current pets. I mean that I have my now furry family members in my life if you believe in Kismet or Divine Intervention, which you would if you knew the details. King brought them to me when it was time. He made sure I knew it wasn't accidental. Love that guy!

---

About us. We have to live our life wherever it takes us. You took your pet with you, something that was not an option for me. 6 of one, a half dozen of the other - whether King came with me through the hardship of an international move and was ripped away from his mate, or left without me at home but with his mate - King still suffered. Your pet is with you. This is GOOD.

---

Take your dog into the country once or twice a month. Develop a new system.

Your pet is with you. This is GOOD.
posted by jbenben at 8:05 PM on October 22, 2011


Best answer: Our dog occasionally has to suffer life in new york city, while he's much rather live in the mountains. However, I'm 100% sure he'd rather be here than have the pack not all together.

She gets to walk 6 km a day, she gets to smell all sorts of new and exciting smells. She gets to see you. I know there are lots of stories of homesick dogs, but for all of the dogs I've owned, being with their humans was the most important thing, no matter where their humans might take them.

You sound homesick yourself, there is certainly a lot that you've given up in this move as well.
posted by lab.beetle at 8:46 PM on October 22, 2011


Response by poster: I hope this isn't threadsitting too much, but thank you for your advice so far. I've always known that Raina (sorry, no pics, flickr doesn't work here so great) is happier with her peoples no matter what the circumstances, but I feel SO BAD that she doesn't get to run like she used to. She was free to roam over acres back in Chapel Hill, and here, the only time I let her off lead to run on the beach, some asshole called the cops on us, claiming she was threatening his dachsaunds, which wasn't the case at ALL. The dauchsaunds were chomping at her, but douchebag still called the cops on us. That's just the way it is here.
We are taking her to a hotel-farm next weekend where she will be able to run free, but I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about the decrease in her quality of life.
Yes, I am homesick, which is weird, because Brazil is my second home. I have just never lived in this particular region before, and was unaccustomed to the negative reactions I would receive just walking her. I can't tell you how many times someone has rather indignantly told me that she needs to be muzzled, despite the fact that she is a pudding-pop of a dog. She's never growled or advanced against another dog, she's never threatened a child (she was raised with children, for godssake!). She is a sweet, sweet dog, with a really sweet face - it's just that because the breed is rare, and immediately seen as a 'bully breed', some people have a really strong visceral reaction to her very existence. I find myself being unnecessarily furious at the reactions we incur from some people (not everyone, some people LURVE her to pieces). It's just part of my personal adjustment period here, finding that not everyone loves her like they did back in CH. Honestly, she has a sweet face, and she's rather small and very well behaved, it just makes me so angry when some know-it-all lectures me about muzzling her just for the sake of muzzling, when everyone knows that cocker spaniels and chihuahuas (which are far more prevalent here) are much more likely to bite than she is (I got bitten three times by a Lhasa Apso last week).
Thanks again, I suppose this question was more of a rant than anything. I appreciate all of your comments. Keep them coming. You are making me feel better about having a Rottie at a beach in Southern Brazil.
posted by msali at 9:07 PM on October 22, 2011


Best answer: [I think that you need to distinguish your feelings about negative reactions to your dog, your dog's exercise change, and your feelings about your new home. I wonder if you're pushing some of your other anxieties onto this dog issue? Just a guess. I probably would.]

- Having a dog in a new/different culture (just like having a kid in a new culture) exposes you to things that you would have never encountered before. And it sounds like you're not down with the local dog training techniques or infrastructure. That is fine, but you have to ask yourself - is there anything about this that you can change? Probably not. So don't let it stress you out. There are enough stressors from being in a different/new culture. Don't add to them.
(And, of course, there are reasons why rotties have a reputation, legitimate or not -- so you also have to be empathetic to those on the street asking you to muzzle her. They're taking the information that they have and using it to protect themselves/their kids/their dogs. You can't blame them from thinking this way.)

- Along the lines of the leis, view this as an opportunity to expose people to a breed that they hold stereotypes about. I think of my own travels and reminding myself that I may be the only American that they ever meet. Or when I meet an African-American person doing development work and being stared at all day long by people that had never seen a person of color before ... having the right attitude about being the single exposure to something and framing your negative interactions in that way may make it emotionally easier for you.


--

On the next stage, I do not believe that Raina is capable of "missing" her old walks/exercise/life at any level that you should feel guilty about.
posted by k8t at 9:39 PM on October 22, 2011 [2 favorites]


Maybe she's just happy you moved away from all those pesky varmints to a place that has better food and where you can spend time walking with her?
posted by bleep at 10:32 PM on October 22, 2011


Best answer: I don't believe that dogs are able to recall past events/surroundings and compare them with present ones in the way that we do. So I doubt Raina is sitting around *missing* the USA in the same way that you probably are.

Given that, here's a thought experiment that might help. There is almost certainly some place and lifestyle in the world that is even better for Raina than even your old one was. Maybe a doggy paradise beside the beach where there are no leash laws and with a next door neighbour who also owns a rottweiler that Raina would get on well with. So why aren't you actively seeking out that situation? Why aren't you moving to the best place possible for your dog?

There's obvious reasons why not: the main one being that humans don't build their lives around their pets' desires. But also because there are financial limitations, career-related limitations, and perhaps other family members to consider. And because Raina doesn't know what she's missing in this imaginary beach-side doggy paradise.

All of those reasons are equally applicable to your move from the USA to Brazil. If it feels different to you, consider what other people are saying about how it might be your own feelings about the move that you are projecting onto your dog a little.
posted by lollusc at 11:15 PM on October 22, 2011 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Stop wallowing! It's wonderful that you love your dog so much (yay for rotties!) but Raina is with you, her people, that's all she cares about. Really. Really, really, truly.

[I've had similar experiences with both a German shepherd and a rottie/collie cross - people scooping up their children and small dogs as we approached, crossing the road to avoid us - so I know what you mean.]

Could you try and transfer your energies to being a great embassador for the breed? Strike up friendly conversations with people wherever you and Raina go. Let them stroke and pet her. Keep a copious supply of doggie treats about your person and let them feed her. We managed to convert a terrified-of-dogs Frenchman in Windsor High Street just because Meg (the rottie/collie cross) was such an awesome dog.

Please don't let a few asshats ruin your and Raina's wonderful new life in Brazil!
posted by humph at 3:35 AM on October 23, 2011


I moved my cat with me from Australia to Europe and I don't regret the decision for a second. That said, he's now much more of an indoor cat, and he's certainly become much more playful (a nice way of saying he sprints around the apartment for half an hour straight once a day) now that he can't terrorise the local wildlife.

IMHO, international moves are incredibly disruptive to your life and can cause all kinds of guilt and grief. Your dog is cared for, exercised, fed and loved, and she has her people. That's all she needs. It could be that you're projecting some of your own (perhaps unconfronted and unidentified) anxieties on to your dog.
posted by nerdfish at 4:54 AM on October 23, 2011


I feel SO BAD that she doesn't get to run like she used to.

Yes, but she doesn't.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:37 AM on October 23, 2011


Her previous life included chasing, terrifying and maybe killing native fauna. You should feel much happier that she's not doing that any more. Yay Raina!
posted by taff at 6:04 AM on October 23, 2011 [2 favorites]


Best answer: You've gotten great answers as to how to cope with the emotional side of your question. On the practical side, I would suggest you build up a good repertoire of tricks (I really like this book for ideas and approaches to trick-training, but I don't know if you're able to get it in Brazil).

I think rock-solid basic obedience and impressive repertoire of "parlor tricks" may help change how at least some people view your dog, and it is a good, positive interaction and mental exercise for the two of you that will nurture your rottie's innate desire to please you.
posted by drlith at 6:14 AM on October 23, 2011


Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. Without a doubt, a lot of my anxiety regarding Raina has to do with my own discomfort in moving to such a "foreign" place. I've lived off and on in Brazil for the better part of my life, but never this far south, and never with a dog, much less my beloved poochy-poo. I am not in love with the place, and my personal dissatisfaction and discomfort has been transferred somewhat to my dog.
On a rational level, I know that her needs are being met, and that being with her peoples is far more important than her being able to run free through the woods back in Chapel Hill. Like many others do, I tend to anthropomorphize, and clearly, if I am dissatisfied, SHE must be dissatisfied as well. I do know that she is put off by all of the little dogs that growl and yap at her for no good reason at all, she gets confused and runs behind me, a clear sign she is intimidated. Then the owners berate me for not muzzling my clearly ferocious dog and I start seeing red.
We've always tried to be good breed ambassadors, back in the States, I was more than happy to encourage people to pet her (she loves being pet, even by strangers) and I would happily expound far too long on the virtues of the breed. Lots of people here don't want to hear it, though. Honestly, I have had a lot of fighty people get up in my face about it, which just slays me, because we live at the fucking beach. What's there to get fighty about, people?
Ah, I drone on yet again. Thanks for all of your lovely answers. You have all made me feel better about Raina, and in doing so, I am going to try really hard to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.
On preview:

Her previous life included chasing, terrifying and maybe killing native fauna. You should feel much happier that she's not doing that any more. Yay Raina!
posted by taff


Raina never caught a thing, and while I can see that her chases might terrify the poor bunnies and squirrels, I have no regrets about her chasing the damn deer out of our yard.
posted by msali at 6:21 AM on October 23, 2011


Response by poster: On second preview: drlith, just bought the book for the ipad kindle app, thanks for the suggestion!
posted by msali at 6:25 AM on October 23, 2011


Take her on longer walks, and she'll be fine. A tired dog is a happy dog.

I had a Rottie in Brazil. When she was 8, we brought her with us to the US. I can't say she was any happier in the US than she was in Brazil.
Yes, people in Brazil instinctive see breeds like hers as guard dogs and not family dogs (those are usually poofy, yappy, annoying little dogs). But don't worry about that. Eventually, some neighborhood kid will want to pet her (maybe you can put a tutu on her, LOL), and it'll be fine.

On preview: we lived in Uberaba, MG (on a farm), in Sao Paulo (very little yard), and then Curitiba (big yard), where my cousin, who was smaller than her, would always take her on long walks but always on a leash. (Oh, did that boy cry when we brought her to the US, poor kid!)
No one would dare ever take her out without a leash because that was just asking for trouble with the neighbors. People would put up a big stink.

You are not in the US anymore, you can't expect things to be the same, including attitudes towards dogs.
Take her on long walks to explore and she'll be fine. Boa sorte!
posted by Neekee at 6:41 AM on October 23, 2011


Yeah, I agree that this is not really about Raina - it seems to me that she is just a place for you to put your stress and worry about your move.

Rottweilers are working dogs, they have been bred for decades to thrive on work - she really doesn't need to run free in the country to be happy, she needs a job to do - quality of life is directly related to work for dogs bred to do a job (something many people don't seem to realize, since most of US would be happier with fewer responsibilities and more freedom, but we haven't been selectively bred for specific traits like dogs have). Running through the woods is all well and good, but Rottweilers were bred to want to work. Give her a job! Get yourself a clicker training book and teach her a trick every week. Go to the AKC's website, copy the Rally exercises and teach her one each week. There are tons of great YouTube videos of how to train dogs to do various behaviors.

My dogs only rarely run free, and their quality of life is excellent. What makes them happy is being with us, their family, and having a job to do (in my dogs' case, agility).

And a beneficial side effect of having a goal for Raina each week, is that it will also be a goal for you.
posted by biscotti at 7:06 AM on October 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


And yes, long walks on leash are very beneficial for you and her.
posted by biscotti at 7:07 AM on October 23, 2011


Just a side note on the culture of dogs. When I lived in Australia I could take my dogs for lovely long off lead walks on beaches and they would have a great run. Everyone I knew took their dogs pretty much everywhere with them.

When I moved to the US and got dogs I had to get used to the fact that in the town I live in off leash dogs are severely frowned on, and turning up to a friends with a dog gets you some very strange looks. . I used to bitch and moan because there were no pavements where we lived and I swore up and down there was no where to take dogs for any sort of walk and I hated the place. Turns out I was massively homesick and just looking for reasons to hate on where I'd moved to.

It took my husband 6 months of searching and trying every park we could find on the map we finally found few really nice parks, OK I still can't off lead my dogs still but the walks are very pretty and I've found some great dog classes for them to go to.

I also found getting one of those nice long retractable leads meant our dogs could still have a nice sniff around and explore a bit (and get tangled in every bush they pass) but well worth it as they felt more relaxed than on a short lead and I feel they are getting similar mental stimulation they'd get free running, if not the exercise.
posted by wwax at 7:16 AM on October 23, 2011


Oh and seconding what biscotti said.
posted by wwax at 7:16 AM on October 23, 2011


Seconding teaching tricks. I would have children point their finger "gun" at my dog and say "Pow!" Then my Lab/Rottie mix would play dead. It goes over really well, IME.
posted by kamikazegopher at 11:32 AM on October 23, 2011 [1 favorite]


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