Keeping a happy kid happy?
September 30, 2011 12:15 PM   Subscribe

How can I foster my 12 year old son's joie de vivre when I feel so grindy?

I amicably separated from my wife 6 months ago & she moved out. We're splitting custody 50/50. Our son has always been a happy kid, engaged with the world and interested in learning new things. He's smart, but not introverted; somewhat shy, but he started middle school in a new district last month & already has good friends. He gets dark humor and is pretty aware of things that make me a cynical bastard (e.g. how public school teachers are paid/treated), but he's remained un-jaded. He still gets giddy like a toddler over silly humor.

I'm male, 44 years old. I went off Cymbalta & Wellbutrin around the time I separated without my psychiatrist's blessing because I wanted to get through the "brain zaps" quickly & not taper & prolong them. I also stopped seeing my CBT therapist a while back, but I'm going to start seeing him again. My depression without meds isn't that bad, but I feel like I'm "grinding" through life, showing up when I'm supposed to but not enjoying much.

How can I avoid squishing this bright kid's optimism?

We don't fight that much (he's really well behaved), but I feel like I drag out little offenses/misunderstandings and it would be nice to correct snottiness without making a huge deal out of it.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (11 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
So why did you go off your meds while going through a divorce? This does not seem like an optimum time for that. Not your doctor of course.

The only way to be there for your kid is to take care of yourself mentally first; going back to therapy is a good start. It doesn't sound like he's suffering at the moment, but you seem to be dealing with a good bit of preemptive guilt about whether he will be.

And that aside, I think the worrying about "squishing his optimism" may be overblown, and maybe a symptom of your depression. No doubt he is aware of more than you realize, and probably understands that you're not always going to be upbeat.
posted by emjaybee at 12:35 PM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I drag out little offenses/misunderstandings and it would be nice to correct snottiness without making a huge deal out of it.

How about giving him a pass on the little stuff? You don't have to turn into HAPPYFUNLAUGHOMATIC dad, but you could practice selective hearing, and ignoring the minor incidents. Not every moment is a teaching moment.
posted by Ideefixe at 12:39 PM on September 30, 2011 [5 favorites]


What Ideefixe said. And give yourself a pass sometimes too.
posted by Chairboy at 12:42 PM on September 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


Good little monograph: Building a Positive Relationship with Your Child

Modeling respectful behaviour goes further than 'correcting snottiness' -- if you're nagging you're not demonstrating how to be a polite grown-up. Focus on fixing irritations indirectly.
posted by kmennie at 12:53 PM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Father of a 9-year-old here. I also live with minor anxiety and depression (don't we all these days?).

I find that I've been putting the hammer down on general insolence (or snottiness) lately, and it's not good. I'm trying to a) let it pass, as the attitude usually manifests itself when KokuRyu Jr is hungry and tired - the golden time between 5 and 6 in the evening. Instead of pulling rank, I am trying to express how I feel when KokuRyu Jr. acts like a jerk: when you say that to me it hurts my feelings. If you have something to say, if you are unhappy, just let me know if a more positive way, okay?

I think experiencing the joy of life with a child, especially at age 12, is best done on the kid's terms, doing what they like to do. Playing Wii, watching a movie, something like that.

Slowly you can build up the relationship where, if you want to go do a family thing (eg, something you like to do like taking a walk or going hiking) it will be easier to get the kid to come along.

I don't have much advice about how to be more present and engaged, though. Perhaps go back on your meds?
posted by KokuRyu at 12:55 PM on September 30, 2011 [2 favorites]


I don't have much advice about how to be more present and engaged

Neither do I, as I'm a relative new-comer to the joys of (step)parenting, and I'm not wanting to sound mawkish, but the thing that keeps me present is being mindful of just how brief childhood is, and how very little time it will be before I'm looking back and reminiscing about these very days, and wishing they weren't away at university.
posted by Chairboy at 1:18 PM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


I gave my kids some slack because I guessed, even if I didn't always know precisely, how much our divorce bothered them deep down. I have not regretted that; I've had a great relationship with both of them throughout their teens, and still have. It's so worth investing in a pressure-free environment.

Snottiness can be laughed off. Sure, your kids know you well, and occasionally they will try to get you at your weakest spot. Try to not be afraid of your weaknesses in the mirror of their prodding, and likely the trouble vanishes like that.

Misunderstandings are there to be sorted out. They shouldn't be a problem at all.

You know that you can tell your kid when you're not feeling that great some day, right? Not to make him do something or else (let alone feel guilty), but just in a manner of exchanging info.
posted by Namlit at 1:41 PM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Maybe Seligman's books on optimism could serve as "therapist in a box" and provide some reminders on letting up on your kid. Also, buy him something, because he's been through a lot.
posted by mecran01 at 3:04 PM on September 30, 2011


Remember to say to him, once in a while, that everything is going to be okay.
posted by XMLicious at 11:08 PM on September 30, 2011


Oh, man, get back on the meds, and back into therapy. Seriously. As a medicated, depressed single mother to a bright, enthusiastic, dark-humour loving eight year old, I cannot stress enough the importance of taking care of your mental health. Even mild depression can make everyday, normal kid behaviour feel abrasive. It becomes impossible to overlook the small stuff, and everything feels really personal. And it makes it harder to see the good in the world at large, which means you miss a lot of the magic that a kid sees.

When you're not wrapped up in your own head--however slightly--or stuck in the grind of seeing the world through crap-coloured glasses, it's much easier to appreciate a kid's outlook on the world and climb on board yourself. The meds and therapy should help you get back on track with that. And being able to share your kid's enthusiasm is what's going to help keep him happy.

With regards to dealing with snottiness and other bad behaviour, I made a little rule for myself last spring when my kid went through a particularly pissy patch of bad attitude. I felt like she was being a little shit, it was making me feel bad about myself and like her much less, and I got caught up in worrying that she was turning into a rotten little person and that I had to nip it in the bud. So I was on her all the time, every single time she said something or rolled her eyes or made a face, or whatever. Which made us both miserable. (Call it a coincidence, but I had also gone off Wellbutrin cold-turkey without consulting with my doctor or therapist, because I didn't think it was doing anything. Turns out I was wrong!) So I decided I was only allowed to correct her twice a day. I could call her on eye rolling or tell her she'd been rude or whatever, but only twice. The rest I let slide.

I feel like that struck a balance between letting her know the behaviour was not acceptable and having peace in the house. The nagging wasn't working anyway, it was just grinding us both down, but not saying anything wouldn't have sent the right message, either.

And, of course, after a while the rough patch was over (and I went back on the meds--gee, could they have been related?) and we have lived relatively harmoniously for the past few months. I enjoy it while I have it.
posted by looli at 11:17 PM on September 30, 2011 [1 favorite]


Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
Thanks for the kind, helpful words. I'm back on Wellbutrin, seeing a therapist weekly again and am trying Qi Gong for chronic pain that was making me worry I wouldn't be able to keep working & supporting my family. My depression wasn't as bad as Allie Brosh depicts but the discussion in that post inspired me to come back here.

I'm easing up on myself & others and I'm having a much better time with the kid. When we were at loggerheads to the point that he told me to "shut up," instead of reacting, I took it as a trigger to disengage and try again, listening better. It worked great.
posted by cortex (staff) at 3:09 PM on October 28, 2011


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