I'm sorry I suck at listening to you. Let me try again.
September 25, 2011 6:15 PM Subscribe
I suck at having productive conversations about "heavy" stuff with my significant others, and as such, my current-SO and I are on a break because neither of us know how to work with each other when we're having problems. I want to be better. How?
My boyfriend and I are on a break. It's been a rough month; we've spent the last four weeks trying to hash things out with each other, and I've discovered that I have a hard time being supportive to my boyfriend when he brings a problem concerning us to me. I get teary and frustrated and generally make it about me, which is stupid and usually not appropriate. I similarly struggle with telling my boyfriend in the moment when something is bothering me, and eventually blow up with frustrations, which is rude and upsetting for both of us. As such, my guy and I are now in this infinite loop of needing to tell each other stuff but not feeling like the other person can deal with what we need to work out.
Since we've taken a break to determine whether or not we can rekindle what we once had (and when things are good, they're great with us), I want to see if I can begin to understand what's got *me* all fussed when it comes to him asking me for help. I want him to be open with me, but with him I find I have such a hard time being gracious when he gives me negative feedback.
Obviously this is something that I want to work on with my new therapist (sigh...) but what can I do to help myself just be a better partner? Even if he and I don't end up being able to make this work, this is a vital skill that I want to develop so that these communication problems don't happen anymore. Additionally, I'm starting to think that a big root cause of this is that my boyfriend and I need to develop our friendship more. How can we do that if we do decide to get back together?
My boyfriend and I are on a break. It's been a rough month; we've spent the last four weeks trying to hash things out with each other, and I've discovered that I have a hard time being supportive to my boyfriend when he brings a problem concerning us to me. I get teary and frustrated and generally make it about me, which is stupid and usually not appropriate. I similarly struggle with telling my boyfriend in the moment when something is bothering me, and eventually blow up with frustrations, which is rude and upsetting for both of us. As such, my guy and I are now in this infinite loop of needing to tell each other stuff but not feeling like the other person can deal with what we need to work out.
Since we've taken a break to determine whether or not we can rekindle what we once had (and when things are good, they're great with us), I want to see if I can begin to understand what's got *me* all fussed when it comes to him asking me for help. I want him to be open with me, but with him I find I have such a hard time being gracious when he gives me negative feedback.
Obviously this is something that I want to work on with my new therapist (sigh...) but what can I do to help myself just be a better partner? Even if he and I don't end up being able to make this work, this is a vital skill that I want to develop so that these communication problems don't happen anymore. Additionally, I'm starting to think that a big root cause of this is that my boyfriend and I need to develop our friendship more. How can we do that if we do decide to get back together?
Therapy, etc, sure. But I do have one specific tip that has served my partner and me very well during times of strong emotions: have your conversation over a period of days or weeks. We started doing this during a very rough time when we found that whenever we tried to talk together we would both start having incredibly strong emotional reactions, and they fed into each other, and before we knew it we'd be in hysterics. What ended up working for us was scheduling time to talk every few days, but at each specific sitting, it was one person's turn. So, he would talk to me about how he was feeling or what he needed and so on, and I'd just listen, for half an hour or an hour. And then we'd go away and go about our normal business for a few days (trying to do some things together that we enjoyed so we would remember we liked each other). Then, we'd sit down again and it would be my turn to talk. And so on.
For us, this meant that we were usually talking after our initial strong emotional reactions had run their course a bit. It also meant neither of us had to get pushy or loud or escalate our emotions in order to feel heard; we knew we were being listened to because the other person wasn't doing anything but listening.
posted by not that girl at 6:34 PM on September 25, 2011 [24 favorites]
For us, this meant that we were usually talking after our initial strong emotional reactions had run their course a bit. It also meant neither of us had to get pushy or loud or escalate our emotions in order to feel heard; we knew we were being listened to because the other person wasn't doing anything but listening.
posted by not that girl at 6:34 PM on September 25, 2011 [24 favorites]
Read John Gottman's work! http://www.gottman.com/.
I've been having fights with my sweetie lately, and I just realized that I have to separate out the substance of the fight and the way I fight. Even if I happen to be totally right about the underlying complaint, I don't have the right to be aggressive about it - that just starts a chain reaction of defensiveness and anger and stonewalling that helps nobody.
I also find it helps me to think in terms of the relationship instead of me or him. So if he is doing something hurtful, then the goal is to fix that so the relationship can stay happy - that removes the blame focus and helps me feel less like I have to protect myself.
posted by mrs. sock at 6:36 PM on September 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've been having fights with my sweetie lately, and I just realized that I have to separate out the substance of the fight and the way I fight. Even if I happen to be totally right about the underlying complaint, I don't have the right to be aggressive about it - that just starts a chain reaction of defensiveness and anger and stonewalling that helps nobody.
I also find it helps me to think in terms of the relationship instead of me or him. So if he is doing something hurtful, then the goal is to fix that so the relationship can stay happy - that removes the blame focus and helps me feel less like I have to protect myself.
posted by mrs. sock at 6:36 PM on September 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I've discovered that I have a hard time being supportive to my boyfriend when he brings a problem concerning us to me. I get teary and frustrated and generally make it about me, which is stupid and usually not appropriate. I similarly struggle with telling my boyfriend in the moment when something is bothering me, and eventually blow up with frustrations, which is rude and upsetting for both of us.
I think seeing a therapist is going to help you more than you could possibly imagine. Couples counseling is a great tool, but there are things you can do yourself to make dramatic changes in the way the two of you interact. I know this from experience.
One thing that has helped my husband and me is discussing things via email. I know that might sound wacky to some, but we're both much less likely to get overly irrational or frustrated if we're both giving our side of the story in writing. It helps if we don't use accusatory tones and just calmly and eloquently tell the other how we feel. Usually the situation gets resolved painlessly (no name calling, no heated arguments, no storming out), and when we see each other in person we can just say, "We're OK? We're OK," give each other a big bear hug, have dinner/cuddle/grab a drink, and move on with our lives. This method isn't for everyone, of course.
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:44 PM on September 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
I think seeing a therapist is going to help you more than you could possibly imagine. Couples counseling is a great tool, but there are things you can do yourself to make dramatic changes in the way the two of you interact. I know this from experience.
One thing that has helped my husband and me is discussing things via email. I know that might sound wacky to some, but we're both much less likely to get overly irrational or frustrated if we're both giving our side of the story in writing. It helps if we don't use accusatory tones and just calmly and eloquently tell the other how we feel. Usually the situation gets resolved painlessly (no name calling, no heated arguments, no storming out), and when we see each other in person we can just say, "We're OK? We're OK," give each other a big bear hug, have dinner/cuddle/grab a drink, and move on with our lives. This method isn't for everyone, of course.
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:44 PM on September 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
You might try establishing a baseline inventory of things that you think most reasonable people need, not just one or the other of you, so that you can express yourselves from a more neutral point of view.
People generally need mutual respect (even admiration), affection, honesty, conversation, sexual fulfillment, someone who spends time with them throughout the week, a partner who does their share of the chores, a partner who grooms themselves, and so on--but not much more. People differ in how much they need these things, but it's not hard to generate a shared rubric where you can evaluate the big picture of what's going on, if not objectively, at least from the hypothetical perspective of a typical partner in a monogamous, committed, fair relationship.
For a while, just aim at things you both agree are important. You'll eventually want to add more unique, individual, and non-shared needs to the list, but that's stuff to consider very carefully (is it selfish? burdensome? controlling? can you do without it?). And having covered all the basics, you'll both be more secure in addressing the peculiar stuff.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:49 PM on September 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
People generally need mutual respect (even admiration), affection, honesty, conversation, sexual fulfillment, someone who spends time with them throughout the week, a partner who does their share of the chores, a partner who grooms themselves, and so on--but not much more. People differ in how much they need these things, but it's not hard to generate a shared rubric where you can evaluate the big picture of what's going on, if not objectively, at least from the hypothetical perspective of a typical partner in a monogamous, committed, fair relationship.
For a while, just aim at things you both agree are important. You'll eventually want to add more unique, individual, and non-shared needs to the list, but that's stuff to consider very carefully (is it selfish? burdensome? controlling? can you do without it?). And having covered all the basics, you'll both be more secure in addressing the peculiar stuff.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 6:49 PM on September 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
You two might want to both take a Myers Briggs or Socionics tests to determine your personality types. Once I found out my own, I was able to actively work on moderating some of those issues you talked about that I deal with as well (not handling criticism well, not voicing negative opinions, becoming too emotional to think rationally and negotiate). Knowing your boyfriend's type can be very helpful as well since then you'll have a better idea of how he takes in information and communicates with others. Take it with a grain of salt of course, but it can really useful information for developing strategies to improve your communication style and relationships.
One confrontation strategy that helps me is to hear someone out and then not respond to their criticism for at least a few hours (or better yet, a few days!). Then my physiological-emotional reaction has had the chance to subside and my rational/logical side can come out to play. Expressing your feelings and thoughts in writing to eachother, at least initially, can also be helpful for emotionally charged discussions.
posted by sunnychef88 at 6:58 PM on September 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
One confrontation strategy that helps me is to hear someone out and then not respond to their criticism for at least a few hours (or better yet, a few days!). Then my physiological-emotional reaction has had the chance to subside and my rational/logical side can come out to play. Expressing your feelings and thoughts in writing to eachother, at least initially, can also be helpful for emotionally charged discussions.
posted by sunnychef88 at 6:58 PM on September 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Going back to the written word (emails or just pen and paper) can help with this. It's a little weird to be emailing your boyfriend from the next room, but enh! Whatever works.
posted by kavasa at 7:00 PM on September 25, 2011
posted by kavasa at 7:00 PM on September 25, 2011
I know this may not directly address the communication aspect of your relationship, but I really can't express how much journaling has helped me in managing my thoughts and emotions. If you're having trouble with letting things bottle up and bother you, this is a great release. If your mind isn't clouded with these troublesome thoughts, then it may leave you more open to finding a common ground in your conversations and disagreements when they do arise.
posted by erstwhile at 7:36 PM on September 25, 2011
posted by erstwhile at 7:36 PM on September 25, 2011
Your boyfriend might be communicating in a way that is triggering you, too. If he tries to keep throwing logic at you when you are really upset, that's just not going to work; people can't think straight when they're upset and sometimes you just have to take a time out from rational discussion and process those feelings before you can move forward. Nothing wrong with that. Writing things down can help, as it lets you remove yourself a little from the criticism.
And it might not be that you "suck at listening." You both just need to learn how to handle conflict and confrontation. Some people want to avoid confrontation and maintain peace at all costs, others feel like you have to air everything out to move on...couples counseling is not a bad idea. This really is something you can both work on together.
posted by misha at 11:08 PM on September 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
And it might not be that you "suck at listening." You both just need to learn how to handle conflict and confrontation. Some people want to avoid confrontation and maintain peace at all costs, others feel like you have to air everything out to move on...couples counseling is not a bad idea. This really is something you can both work on together.
posted by misha at 11:08 PM on September 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Try the critique sandwich. Don't just tell him what you don't like--sandwich your criticism between what you do like. Bread/meat/bread.
Give him an awesome compliment about the same subject you're about to give him feedback on. Then say the feedback. Then say a second complement [that is different than first]. Make sure the complments are real and not "tacked on". Spend much more time on the compliments than the crit, particularly when first trying this out in the beginning.
Bonus points: don't say it like, "you are bad when you do x". Say it: "I feel like x when you do x".
Don't be scared of the heavy conversations--just slow them down and proceed with sensitivity. Don't use big hammers. Use chopsticks.
Murray
posted by Murray M at 4:59 AM on September 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Give him an awesome compliment about the same subject you're about to give him feedback on. Then say the feedback. Then say a second complement [that is different than first]. Make sure the complments are real and not "tacked on". Spend much more time on the compliments than the crit, particularly when first trying this out in the beginning.
Bonus points: don't say it like, "you are bad when you do x". Say it: "I feel like x when you do x".
Don't be scared of the heavy conversations--just slow them down and proceed with sensitivity. Don't use big hammers. Use chopsticks.
Murray
posted by Murray M at 4:59 AM on September 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
A book that might be helpful is Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication. He talks a lot about articulating your own needs and acknowledging other people's needs. (Basically articulating & listening for feelings, needs, and requests.)
Don't be put off by the New Agey cover and some of the examples. The method itself is pretty straightforward and concrete. When I worked at a mediation center we used his techniques and they worked very well in conflict situations.
posted by Bearded Dave at 4:38 PM on September 26, 2011
Don't be put off by the New Agey cover and some of the examples. The method itself is pretty straightforward and concrete. When I worked at a mediation center we used his techniques and they worked very well in conflict situations.
posted by Bearded Dave at 4:38 PM on September 26, 2011
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posted by salvia at 6:23 PM on September 25, 2011 [1 favorite]