Famous- not infamous, but not so good either.
September 14, 2011 10:08 PM Subscribe
Do you ever wonder or worry about living a life above the radar? I've always been a person who has lived life "above the radar". This is my personality. But I wish at times that I wasn't so driven to do things that would give me the attention that I so often find called to myself?
I've had a fair share of success in my life. I am an outgoing woman. Friendly, funny, smart, wise...and have spent alot of my life in areas that I guess are attention seeking- but I don't consciously seek it. To give you an example, I am not afraid to form and voice an opinion. I'm logical, I present an argument taking into consideration all sides..But somehow end up being the center....On FB I am a popular page. I'm in the newspaper alot, quoted. I do love being in the media. And i sit and go to myself- are you f-cking yourself here? I've been promoted for my opinions and outgoingness and done well for it, and conversly, at times, have felt in certain circles or environments like a pariaha for having such an outspoken or just EVIDENT persona. Even if I walk into any given room, and I don't say anything, just my physical presence people pay attention. I speak, people listen.
The reason I say this with question is that tomorrow, I am being interviewed by the Wall St. Journal for something I am fighting for, for a social issue. They are coming to take photos. This is the 3rd time I'm doing something like this. Each time, different issues that are being covered. One part of me is like- well- some people are meant to lead, others are meant to follow..another part of me is like- Jesus- you are going to be all over google for the rest of your life. Will this affect you in a negative light somehow? Am I weird? A mean ex once told me that I was pathologically friendly, pathologically outgoing.
I used to think that was a really mean thing to say. I still do. But at times, like now, when it's the night before I'm about to be a whistle blower on something national, and I'm scared. Why must I always be in the spotlight, is something wrong with me- why can't I choose the easy way- the fly under the radar way of life? I never have. It's just not in me. And like the girl with curly hair who covets straight hair, I want to be that quiet person. Who when you google, nothing comes up. Tell me is something pathologically wrong with me? Why must I choose the path of attention and resistance?
I've had a fair share of success in my life. I am an outgoing woman. Friendly, funny, smart, wise...and have spent alot of my life in areas that I guess are attention seeking- but I don't consciously seek it. To give you an example, I am not afraid to form and voice an opinion. I'm logical, I present an argument taking into consideration all sides..But somehow end up being the center....On FB I am a popular page. I'm in the newspaper alot, quoted. I do love being in the media. And i sit and go to myself- are you f-cking yourself here? I've been promoted for my opinions and outgoingness and done well for it, and conversly, at times, have felt in certain circles or environments like a pariaha for having such an outspoken or just EVIDENT persona. Even if I walk into any given room, and I don't say anything, just my physical presence people pay attention. I speak, people listen.
The reason I say this with question is that tomorrow, I am being interviewed by the Wall St. Journal for something I am fighting for, for a social issue. They are coming to take photos. This is the 3rd time I'm doing something like this. Each time, different issues that are being covered. One part of me is like- well- some people are meant to lead, others are meant to follow..another part of me is like- Jesus- you are going to be all over google for the rest of your life. Will this affect you in a negative light somehow? Am I weird? A mean ex once told me that I was pathologically friendly, pathologically outgoing.
I used to think that was a really mean thing to say. I still do. But at times, like now, when it's the night before I'm about to be a whistle blower on something national, and I'm scared. Why must I always be in the spotlight, is something wrong with me- why can't I choose the easy way- the fly under the radar way of life? I never have. It's just not in me. And like the girl with curly hair who covets straight hair, I want to be that quiet person. Who when you google, nothing comes up. Tell me is something pathologically wrong with me? Why must I choose the path of attention and resistance?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Perhaps take a shot of rewriting the question so that you get your question across more concisely? -- vacapinta
I don't really get what you're asking (because honestly you sound like you're bragging) but... Practice humility, practice perspective. And above all else, know that this is all fleeting. You're the it thing now? Cool. You may not be very, very soon. Find joy in that.
And just FYI, based on the way you've written this question-statement, you come across as self involved and obnoxious. I get the impression you've chosen to be this way. Actively strive to not be in the spotlight and maybe you'll find the peace you seek.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:46 PM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
And just FYI, based on the way you've written this question-statement, you come across as self involved and obnoxious. I get the impression you've chosen to be this way. Actively strive to not be in the spotlight and maybe you'll find the peace you seek.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 10:46 PM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Not sure I understand what you're getting at either, but this question-statement (as These Birds of a Feather put it) certainly puts this previous question of yours into perspective.
Practice humility and try to entertain the notion that you might very well be a legend in nobody else's head but your own. You sound an absolutely insufferable person to be around at the moment. Work on it.
posted by Zé Pequeno at 10:56 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Practice humility and try to entertain the notion that you might very well be a legend in nobody else's head but your own. You sound an absolutely insufferable person to be around at the moment. Work on it.
posted by Zé Pequeno at 10:56 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: OMG that is not what I mean to be doing. I don't mean to sound bragging. I'm trying to say that I worry that I live too publicly. I said what I did to paint a picture of the reality but I am not super proud of it, I am a little excited and a little embarrassed. Being the center of attention is not all that its cracked up to be. I know as I write this that it DOES sound like I am bragging. But please see through the story into the meaning. I am not.
posted by Fenshwee at 10:57 PM on September 14, 2011
posted by Fenshwee at 10:57 PM on September 14, 2011
Being the center of attention is not all that its cracked up to be.
This is the kind of thing that puts people off. I can pretty much guarantee that you're only the center of your own attention.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 11:00 PM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
This is the kind of thing that puts people off. I can pretty much guarantee that you're only the center of your own attention.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 11:00 PM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Tell me is something pathologically wrong with me?
I'm not a doctor or therapist, but you might be a little narcissistic. It doesn't sound like tonight's really the best time for you to worry about it, but it's noticeable enough that talking to a therapist about it would make sense.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 11:01 PM on September 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm not a doctor or therapist, but you might be a little narcissistic. It doesn't sound like tonight's really the best time for you to worry about it, but it's noticeable enough that talking to a therapist about it would make sense.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 11:01 PM on September 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Perhaps I wrote it wrong. Perhaps I focused too much on the presenting the why upfront and wrote it sounding obnoxious- but I don;'t mean to and maybe I shoudl have read it for editing and not sold the outgoing so much but I wanted to present a clear picture. I am not so thrilled about it. But I hear what you are saying. I read it and I can see why you could see arrogant or haughty but I should , but I think a person who is acutally looking into what I mean will hopefully see that and not enough in the humility- believe me when I say I worry.
posted by Fenshwee at 11:01 PM on September 14, 2011
posted by Fenshwee at 11:01 PM on September 14, 2011
Response by poster: ANd I don;t know that people look up to me at all. And my life is not so perfect and I didn;t imply that so that;s sort of mean to say.
posted by Fenshwee at 11:02 PM on September 14, 2011
posted by Fenshwee at 11:02 PM on September 14, 2011
Response by poster: But maybe you;re right. Maybe you;re all right and I just don't see it. When I say center of attention we're not talking about me being the loudest laugher in the room, the woman who stares to see if people are looking or any of that. I am noted for accomplishments. In helping people. That;s whats out there on me. But what i mean of center of attention is that when theres a news story its me thatis in it. But I hear what you mean and possibly you may all be right I mean, you all feel pretty strongly that I am a narcissist. Blach. I hate that. But I asked an honest question - perhaps without reading or thinking it out too well.
posted by Fenshwee at 11:07 PM on September 14, 2011
posted by Fenshwee at 11:07 PM on September 14, 2011
Response by poster: Poet, before I log out for the night, you are the closest to understanding what I meant. and how great it would be if what you said were so. I have no idea. Sorry. I'm nervous about tomorrow. But again you guys all jumped the hell down my back like I'm a bitch and I think that's alot of judgement from this group.
Thanks to the few who read the question.
posted by Fenshwee at 11:12 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Thanks to the few who read the question.
posted by Fenshwee at 11:12 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
To be honest I flagged your question because it came off as pointless bragging to me, on the other hand I'm not interested in beating you down. I think what you need is a better sense of perspective; many people are interviewed by papers and just because you're going to be the focus of a news story doesn't mean you need to freak out about being too "above the radar."
You're easily google-able by the email in your profile, and while that may not tell the whole story, I have to say that there are people in my family who are orders of magnitude more famous and they absolutely do not give off the vibe that you are, however unintentionally. So calm down, step back, and try to enjoy the attention and turn it to good use, rather than worrying about its larger implications.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 11:15 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
You're easily google-able by the email in your profile, and while that may not tell the whole story, I have to say that there are people in my family who are orders of magnitude more famous and they absolutely do not give off the vibe that you are, however unintentionally. So calm down, step back, and try to enjoy the attention and turn it to good use, rather than worrying about its larger implications.
posted by villanelles at dawn at 11:15 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Ok, here goes:
Tell me is something pathologically wrong with me? Why must I choose the path of attention and resistance?
You're probably seeing a lot of the comments here as derails, which is why you're asking us to look a little deeper. Fair enough. The thing is that you're choosing to put yourself in these situations of whistleblowing or whatever, either for altruistic reasons, or for self aggrandisement, or more likely a complex mixture of both. Life is always complicated like that.
What you don't seem to have cultivated is a sense of how someone who finds themselves having to deal with a public life needs to present themself. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you don't seem to be very good at seeing yourself as others see you, and that's what's creating a lot of the snark that you're seeing here (including mine, though I'm trying not to be). Try to think of this. I get to do cool stuff through my work sometimes, but I try to have the good grace not to drive my friends nuts with it, or at least fold a little self-satire into the mix if I do talk to them about it
Try to cultivate a little humility. Think before you post. And have the good grace to sit back and let the answers to your question unfold rather than thread sitting.
Seriously. It just smacks of self involvement. Again.
I’m sure you’re not an evil person, and you’ll be fine tomorrow.
posted by Chairboy at 11:16 PM on September 14, 2011
Tell me is something pathologically wrong with me? Why must I choose the path of attention and resistance?
You're probably seeing a lot of the comments here as derails, which is why you're asking us to look a little deeper. Fair enough. The thing is that you're choosing to put yourself in these situations of whistleblowing or whatever, either for altruistic reasons, or for self aggrandisement, or more likely a complex mixture of both. Life is always complicated like that.
What you don't seem to have cultivated is a sense of how someone who finds themselves having to deal with a public life needs to present themself. I don't mean to sound harsh, but you don't seem to be very good at seeing yourself as others see you, and that's what's creating a lot of the snark that you're seeing here (including mine, though I'm trying not to be). Try to think of this. I get to do cool stuff through my work sometimes, but I try to have the good grace not to drive my friends nuts with it, or at least fold a little self-satire into the mix if I do talk to them about it
Try to cultivate a little humility. Think before you post. And have the good grace to sit back and let the answers to your question unfold rather than thread sitting.
Seriously. It just smacks of self involvement. Again.
I’m sure you’re not an evil person, and you’ll be fine tomorrow.
posted by Chairboy at 11:16 PM on September 14, 2011
It sounds like you've gotten the idea in your head that only living above the radar has its costs, so that you're pathological because you're subjecting yourself to harm that you could otherwise totally avoid if you weren't so out-spoken, etc. It might help you to realize that every way of living has its costs; you don't get to completely avoid any harm just by being an introvert.
It's also true that living quietly is not the same as living easily, which is another false equivalency you make. I'm an introvert and probably live a pretty quiet life by your standards, but I still find myself moaning fairly regularly to myself, "Why must I always choose the most difficult way to do things? Couldn't we just do something the easy way for once?" Again, every way of living has its challenges. As far as I know, nobody's figured out a way to avoid ever making hard decisions or doing difficult things.
So with that in mind, I think you've got to look at the actual costs of your life style and decide if they are too high right now. I figure you can never predict what the you-in-the-future will think, so you've got to work with your own present self. If the costs are too high for you right now then you might think about trying to slow down. But if you feel like you take on acceptable losses to get where you want to be, then I don't think you should change your lifestyle just because your potential future-self might disapprove.
posted by colfax at 11:18 PM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
It's also true that living quietly is not the same as living easily, which is another false equivalency you make. I'm an introvert and probably live a pretty quiet life by your standards, but I still find myself moaning fairly regularly to myself, "Why must I always choose the most difficult way to do things? Couldn't we just do something the easy way for once?" Again, every way of living has its challenges. As far as I know, nobody's figured out a way to avoid ever making hard decisions or doing difficult things.
So with that in mind, I think you've got to look at the actual costs of your life style and decide if they are too high right now. I figure you can never predict what the you-in-the-future will think, so you've got to work with your own present self. If the costs are too high for you right now then you might think about trying to slow down. But if you feel like you take on acceptable losses to get where you want to be, then I don't think you should change your lifestyle just because your potential future-self might disapprove.
posted by colfax at 11:18 PM on September 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
The simplest thing to do would be to take a less active role in whatever activist group you're involved with. Nominate someone else to do the leadership/PR stuff. You can still work just as hard even if you're out of the limelight.
And if that's not enough, if you're irritated that someone else's name is attached to the issue instead of yours, well, that tells you something.
posted by book 'em dano at 11:24 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
And if that's not enough, if you're irritated that someone else's name is attached to the issue instead of yours, well, that tells you something.
posted by book 'em dano at 11:24 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Colfax, you got it. I have the same thoughts as you do. I guess we all have the same sorts of worries. You present a valid and logical perspective and I came here looking for that so I thank you. I appreciate your seeing it for what it was meant to be and not jumping on the snark wagon.
posted by Fenshwee at 11:25 PM on September 14, 2011
posted by Fenshwee at 11:25 PM on September 14, 2011
You're easily google-able by the email in your profile, and while that may not tell the whole story, I have to say that there are people in my family who are orders of magnitude more famous and they absolutely do not give off the vibe that you are, however unintentionally. So calm down, step back, and try to enjoy the attention and turn it to good use, rather than worrying about its larger implications.
Same here. My little brother seems to be on the same level of fame - got interviewed by all the papers and local (national) news for a website he made. He pretty much keeps his head down, does his own thing, and lets attention come to him. He's much less obnoxious than, say, me. So its easily possible.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 11:48 PM on September 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Same here. My little brother seems to be on the same level of fame - got interviewed by all the papers and local (national) news for a website he made. He pretty much keeps his head down, does his own thing, and lets attention come to him. He's much less obnoxious than, say, me. So its easily possible.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 11:48 PM on September 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Why must I always be in the spotlight, is something wrong with me- why can't I choose the easy way...
Why do you think living differently is inherently "easier"? As colfax notes, we're all fighting our own battles - maybe think about exploring what you're getting (ego-wise) out of living in the spotlight and how that affects your motivation and behaviors.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 11:49 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Why do you think living differently is inherently "easier"? As colfax notes, we're all fighting our own battles - maybe think about exploring what you're getting (ego-wise) out of living in the spotlight and how that affects your motivation and behaviors.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 11:49 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Yes its OK to be you. No, the choices you're making aren't "doing it wrong", its about living a life that YOU are comfortable with. Different people are comfortable with different things. Sometimes it changes. But if you feel most "yourself" when you do things this way, and have weighed up the costs and benefits, you're not hurting anyone, so carry on.
posted by lifethatihavenotlivedyet at 11:54 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by lifethatihavenotlivedyet at 11:54 PM on September 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would suggest spending some time each day, in various ways, doing things that are fundamentally not about you. Things that don't necessarily require your attention or aren't a reflection of who you are or your identity. And restrain yourself from making those things about you. Some places to start:
Listening
Asking questions of others about who they are, what they want, what makes them happy, etc.
Volunteering at a call center or food kitchen
Incorporating these things into your life, big and small, will add some balance and really make you see the parts of your behaviour that are self-involved and ego-driven as gross, vulgar, and draining on others. Which I suspect you are already starting to feel anyway. You want to embrace that feeling in a sense. It's a good motivator to step into the world of others and out of the world of I.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:05 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Listening
Asking questions of others about who they are, what they want, what makes them happy, etc.
Volunteering at a call center or food kitchen
Incorporating these things into your life, big and small, will add some balance and really make you see the parts of your behaviour that are self-involved and ego-driven as gross, vulgar, and draining on others. Which I suspect you are already starting to feel anyway. You want to embrace that feeling in a sense. It's a good motivator to step into the world of others and out of the world of I.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:05 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Pathologically wrong? Noone here can tell you, seek advice from a physician or mental health professional. Weird? Well, you asked the question, and I have to say, from what you've written, yes...
There is something unnerving about the way you present yourself. To the point where I actually had to double take and re-read this bit:
some people are meant to lead, others are meant to follow..another part of me is like- Jesus
and wondered whether your whole spiel was building up to some kind of punchline.
Do you really have a problem with the way you are? Or are you just nervous about what's happening tomorrow? Maybe you should re-read this thread some time well after your big day is over... if you still think you have real problems, I would suggest a detailed examination of the concept of humility as a first port of call, perhaps followed with an honest chat about your flaws, should you feel able to admit them, with a close friend or family member.
If not... well, just put it down to stage fright, and carry on radiating your self-evident qualities to all around you...
posted by protorp at 12:15 AM on September 15, 2011
There is something unnerving about the way you present yourself. To the point where I actually had to double take and re-read this bit:
some people are meant to lead, others are meant to follow..another part of me is like- Jesus
and wondered whether your whole spiel was building up to some kind of punchline.
Do you really have a problem with the way you are? Or are you just nervous about what's happening tomorrow? Maybe you should re-read this thread some time well after your big day is over... if you still think you have real problems, I would suggest a detailed examination of the concept of humility as a first port of call, perhaps followed with an honest chat about your flaws, should you feel able to admit them, with a close friend or family member.
If not... well, just put it down to stage fright, and carry on radiating your self-evident qualities to all around you...
posted by protorp at 12:15 AM on September 15, 2011
I think maybe you think you "shouldn't" be this loud/outgoing/successful/semi-famous because, for all the recognition and perks you get by being so, you cop a lot of flak as well. (Case in point: see the early comments here.) And it sounds like you've started to internalize said flak and wonder if it all of what you are makes you a bad person. It doesn't. I don't think there's anything wrong with being the kind of person you are. It's not pathological. The world needs all kinds of people, and that includes people like you.
I also think it's perfectly normal to be panicky and questioning yourself on the eve of a huge interview, and maybe you'll feel better in the morning after a good night's sleep. Best of luck!
posted by Xany at 12:25 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I also think it's perfectly normal to be panicky and questioning yourself on the eve of a huge interview, and maybe you'll feel better in the morning after a good night's sleep. Best of luck!
posted by Xany at 12:25 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
protorp: "Maybe you should re-read this thread some time well after your big day is over... if you still think you have real problems, I would suggest a detailed examination of the concept of humility as a first port of call.."
Believe me, if she reads this thread again she'll get about sixteen different angles on the concept of humility; I suspect this'll read with difficulty, she'll feel like a scalded dog, I know I would...
posted by dancestoblue at 12:59 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Believe me, if she reads this thread again she'll get about sixteen different angles on the concept of humility; I suspect this'll read with difficulty, she'll feel like a scalded dog, I know I would...
posted by dancestoblue at 12:59 AM on September 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
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