As we have a short life.. we have limited resources
August 24, 2011 12:56 PM Subscribe
Getting over the fear of committing time and money into a relationship if we aren't promised it will stand the test of time?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Background info :
> I grew up in a loving enviroment. My parents ran away together and got married at 16 and have been together +30 years, happily married. I think because of this my idea of a relationship was warped. All the important couples in my life (aunts and uncles, godparents) have a similar story. They all left Mexico for the US, the women all depend on their spouse, both work and provide for the family, women do housework.. pretty traditional.
> So in 2006 I started dating B, and we were in love. He made MAJOR sacrifices to win me over and being Salvadorian having met his extended family they seemed pretty similiar to mine so I thought he had the same concept of a relationship. We'd sacrifice but dedicate ourselves entirely to our relationship.
> 2011, B cheated on me by (soberly and fully aware of what he wa doing) making out with two girls that we had gone to college with when he went to our alma mater to visit our friends without me.
> I, [who had been paying ALL the bills, picking up ALL the tabs EVERYTIME we went out, CLOTHES for him, letting him live for FREE at home with me (no bills, sometimes groceries) rent free] kicked him the hell out.
> But I lost thousands of dollars, which in one way or another, "invested" in B and our relationship (I spent the money thinking later after we'd get married he'd support me)
> I lost 2.5 years of my life
> I'm really tramatized and hesitant in investing so much in anyone.
So now my questions:
Being in a new relationship with new guy, D, I only see him 1-2 times a week, because it's a 30-40 min drive to his place, 30-40 drive back which is A LOT for me, since I have a PACKED M-F schedule.
After a confrontation with B, D refuses to come to my house.. he needs time to get over it (B threatened D, but it was all just for show tho D wont get over it). Okay. I'll give him that time to get over it but D has been hounding me to come up more frequently. He wants 4-5 times a week and to spend the night there many nights. I'm still tramatized from all the money and time I wasted with B, that even tho D is amazing and really good for me (and he actually pays when we go out!), I just can't seem to get over this trama... I am insecure about everything. I almost feel like I'd need D to ask me to marry him before I can really dedicate the time he wants because of these other fears that are constantly in the back of my mind.
Does this make sense? How can I get over this? I told D to give me time.. but he says he's given me 2-3 months worth of time and he wants to get to the next step in our relationship.. I just feel really burned and dont trust my judgment, since I thought I went about it the correct way (according the magic formula of my happy family couples)..
Bleh :( I feel miserable. I hope I explained myself well enough and will respond to any questions.