Etiquette for China?
July 30, 2011 11:40 AM
What cultural differences from the U.S. that should I be aware of and practice while living in China for a year?
I will be leaving in a month to live in China for a year teaching English at a university. I am trying to get as much knowledge in about the Chinese culture leading up to my departure. I have a lonely planet book on China to learn about places to go, visit, and has a short list of useful sayings, but in terms of etiquette what should I know?
Thus far what I have read is that when taking pictures that might include people in them, always ask for their consent and even show them the picture. Other things I've read about were regarding PDA do's and don't, handshakes, etc.. what about the term "facing" i.e. keeping face and loosing face?
Are there any other cultural etiquettes I should be aware of whether pertaining to clothes, speaking, and living?
I will be leaving in a month to live in China for a year teaching English at a university. I am trying to get as much knowledge in about the Chinese culture leading up to my departure. I have a lonely planet book on China to learn about places to go, visit, and has a short list of useful sayings, but in terms of etiquette what should I know?
Thus far what I have read is that when taking pictures that might include people in them, always ask for their consent and even show them the picture. Other things I've read about were regarding PDA do's and don't, handshakes, etc.. what about the term "facing" i.e. keeping face and loosing face?
Are there any other cultural etiquettes I should be aware of whether pertaining to clothes, speaking, and living?
There's a book called Kiss, Bow or Shake Hands we used to use when I worked at a place that did a lot of international work. It is pitched as a book for business people who go to various countries and need to quickly learn how not offend and how to understand how basic things work in another country, and it covers many countries not just one, but I think it's the sort of thing you need. Have a look at the types of things it covers - they're not just for business people. For example:
China: Avoid making exaggerated gestures or using dramatic facial expressions. The Chinese do not generally use their hands when speaking, and become distracted by a speaker who does.
There's a book in that series called Kiss Bow or Shake Hands: Asia, which narrows it down to 12 Asian countries including China and expands the content. Preview it here to see if it's the sort of thing you're after. Little blurbs on cognitive styles, negotiation techniques, value systems, decision making, age deference, punctuality, what colors mean, patience, entering and leaving rooms, don't eat/drink before your host, greetings, name structure, touching, how to point or beckon, etc.
Maybe there's a book like this just for China if you google around.
posted by Askr at 12:58 PM on July 30, 2011
China: Avoid making exaggerated gestures or using dramatic facial expressions. The Chinese do not generally use their hands when speaking, and become distracted by a speaker who does.
There's a book in that series called Kiss Bow or Shake Hands: Asia, which narrows it down to 12 Asian countries including China and expands the content. Preview it here to see if it's the sort of thing you're after. Little blurbs on cognitive styles, negotiation techniques, value systems, decision making, age deference, punctuality, what colors mean, patience, entering and leaving rooms, don't eat/drink before your host, greetings, name structure, touching, how to point or beckon, etc.
Maybe there's a book like this just for China if you google around.
posted by Askr at 12:58 PM on July 30, 2011
Friends who have lived in China briefly for a college cultural exchange have said that there is more same-sex affection...the American men were a bit uncomfortable with holding hands with their Chinese roommates, but it's a gesture of friendship.
Definitely pay attention to saving face for the people around you!
posted by lirael2008 at 1:02 PM on July 30, 2011
Definitely pay attention to saving face for the people around you!
posted by lirael2008 at 1:02 PM on July 30, 2011
Frowner pretty much nailed it. A few additional points:
Try to address people (especially elders and superiors) by their surname + job title during initial contact. It leaves a good impression and they will usually let you know if it's ok to be a bit more intimate, e.g. 'Ahh no need to be so formal, just call me XXX'.
Don't be afraid to learn the ropes as you go along. Ask questions. Request explanations. The most flattering thing you can do is show a sincere interest in your host's cultural background - I find that being honest, modest and curious takes you far wherever you are in the world.
And yes, the city/region you're staying in matters a lot. China is a vast, vast place.
posted by fix at 1:25 PM on July 30, 2011
Try to address people (especially elders and superiors) by their surname + job title during initial contact. It leaves a good impression and they will usually let you know if it's ok to be a bit more intimate, e.g. 'Ahh no need to be so formal, just call me XXX'.
Don't be afraid to learn the ropes as you go along. Ask questions. Request explanations. The most flattering thing you can do is show a sincere interest in your host's cultural background - I find that being honest, modest and curious takes you far wherever you are in the world.
And yes, the city/region you're staying in matters a lot. China is a vast, vast place.
posted by fix at 1:25 PM on July 30, 2011
In terms of the face thing, just really try to remain pleasant and calm even when there's a big misunderstanding or when you are/feel like you're being jerked around. I (female) generally felt very safe in China, but in any situation where you don't feel safe, that tip obviously goes out the window.
Use as much Chinese as you can, even if it's just a tiny amount! I found that that can make a major difference in terms of service and getting a good deal at the markets (where you must haggle). It's also fun and people really appreciate it (though some will really want to practice their English).
I didn't feel like there was really anything I "couldn't" wear in China, as a woman. Women there wear all manner of things. Be aware that you may frequently be asked to be in someone's photos, especially in touristy areas. You can obviously say no (especially if there have been a ton and you're starting to feel like Mickey Mouse), but I kinda enjoyed it because it was a chance to meet people from all over China (and practice my Chinese) and also just a funny/surreal experience. I found that foreign women in China are stared at more than men (that happens even in the major cities, though less than in the smaller cities/countryside), so you will need to become used to that too. Before I went to China (2004) I read that staring didn't really happen in Beijing. That was completely untrue.
Unless you are of Asian background, people won't expect you to know Chinese customs/etiquette. Actually, asking people how to do certain things (eat with chopsticks, etc.) can be a great and fun/funny ice-breaker.
As a woman, you will avoid a lot of the pressure to binge drink that happens at Chinese banquets. Be thankful for that! Women there do tend to drink a lot less than men, though it's not bad etiquette for you to drink, should you choose to do so.
It will actually be hard for you to pay for Chinese people. You'll have to really insist on it. Younger people might be more willing to go dutch, but mostly one person will cover everyone, and typically the Chinese person will feel that they are the host (since you are in their country) and will want to pay (it's also a little bit about gaining face in front of their compatriots, though I hate to make these generalizations). Make sure you invite people out sometimes -- and as the inviter, you should and will be more likely to be able to pay. When I say "be able" I'm not kidding -- I've seen Chinese people literally shove each other around away from the check so that they can pay! Sometimes people will sneak up to the waiter before the meal is even over and pay.
Frowner mentioned needing to pay back favors -- that's a must. In China, "guanxi" (kind of like "connections", pronounced gwahn-shee) is very important. Guanxi is basically about building up connections with people and is definitely a quid-pro-quo relationship. It sounds cynical from that description, but basically when it comes to friendships you just want to make sure you are do things for people who've done things for you. It's polite.
I recommend Peter Hessler's books, River Town, Oracle Bones and Country Driving. Awesome, awesome writer. The best books I've ever read about what it's like to be a foreigner in China.
**Major tip not about etiquette: if some young, college age-y kids come up to you in a tourist spot and say they want to make foreign friends, would you like to join them at a tea ceremony/art show? . . . say absolutely not and walk away. It's a huge scam. I met a couple who fell for this and were basically trapped at the tea ceremony until they bought $500 worth of tea.
Have fun! I kinda wish I were you :) I miss China.
posted by imalaowai at 1:31 PM on July 30, 2011
Use as much Chinese as you can, even if it's just a tiny amount! I found that that can make a major difference in terms of service and getting a good deal at the markets (where you must haggle). It's also fun and people really appreciate it (though some will really want to practice their English).
I didn't feel like there was really anything I "couldn't" wear in China, as a woman. Women there wear all manner of things. Be aware that you may frequently be asked to be in someone's photos, especially in touristy areas. You can obviously say no (especially if there have been a ton and you're starting to feel like Mickey Mouse), but I kinda enjoyed it because it was a chance to meet people from all over China (and practice my Chinese) and also just a funny/surreal experience. I found that foreign women in China are stared at more than men (that happens even in the major cities, though less than in the smaller cities/countryside), so you will need to become used to that too. Before I went to China (2004) I read that staring didn't really happen in Beijing. That was completely untrue.
Unless you are of Asian background, people won't expect you to know Chinese customs/etiquette. Actually, asking people how to do certain things (eat with chopsticks, etc.) can be a great and fun/funny ice-breaker.
As a woman, you will avoid a lot of the pressure to binge drink that happens at Chinese banquets. Be thankful for that! Women there do tend to drink a lot less than men, though it's not bad etiquette for you to drink, should you choose to do so.
It will actually be hard for you to pay for Chinese people. You'll have to really insist on it. Younger people might be more willing to go dutch, but mostly one person will cover everyone, and typically the Chinese person will feel that they are the host (since you are in their country) and will want to pay (it's also a little bit about gaining face in front of their compatriots, though I hate to make these generalizations). Make sure you invite people out sometimes -- and as the inviter, you should and will be more likely to be able to pay. When I say "be able" I'm not kidding -- I've seen Chinese people literally shove each other around away from the check so that they can pay! Sometimes people will sneak up to the waiter before the meal is even over and pay.
Frowner mentioned needing to pay back favors -- that's a must. In China, "guanxi" (kind of like "connections", pronounced gwahn-shee) is very important. Guanxi is basically about building up connections with people and is definitely a quid-pro-quo relationship. It sounds cynical from that description, but basically when it comes to friendships you just want to make sure you are do things for people who've done things for you. It's polite.
I recommend Peter Hessler's books, River Town, Oracle Bones and Country Driving. Awesome, awesome writer. The best books I've ever read about what it's like to be a foreigner in China.
**Major tip not about etiquette: if some young, college age-y kids come up to you in a tourist spot and say they want to make foreign friends, would you like to join them at a tea ceremony/art show? . . . say absolutely not and walk away. It's a huge scam. I met a couple who fell for this and were basically trapped at the tea ceremony until they bought $500 worth of tea.
Have fun! I kinda wish I were you :) I miss China.
posted by imalaowai at 1:31 PM on July 30, 2011
Tiny tip: give and receive business cards with both hands. You will generally see people holding the corners between thumb and side of fingers. This same 'two hand' approach is present with getting your credit card back in shops and giving/receiving gifts.
If you go to someone's house take a gift, even if it is just some nice fruit.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 6:41 PM on July 30, 2011
If you go to someone's house take a gift, even if it is just some nice fruit.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 6:41 PM on July 30, 2011
Seconding take a gift. I can't speak from experience, but I have heard that health supplements, such a vitamins, glucosamine,etc., are what people are taking to China as gifts when visiting family. Obviousky not appropriate as a first time visitor to someone's home, but may come in handy later on to give to someone who has helped you a lot. Liquor is good when visiting too.
posted by vignettist at 8:30 PM on July 30, 2011
posted by vignettist at 8:30 PM on July 30, 2011
I've lived in China for about 8 years. Feel free to memail if you like.
There's a lot of good advice in this thread. One thing I'd say though, is that you don't have to worry a TON about offending Chinese people. For one thing, they've been exposed much more to Western customs and culture than we have to Chinese culture. For another, they expect you, as a "laowai" (foreigner; you will learn this word very soon!) to act differently. as long as you SMILE a lot (important) act polite and respectful, don't interrupt or talk over others, act demure and modest, it is pretty hard to really offend people. (being loud and boorish is offensive, but if you are asking this question, chances are you are not.)
if you are going to live in a fairly big city, things will be much different than if you are in a lesser-known city or countryside area. Bigger cities are already adapting lots of Western customs. Besides, Chinese people are usually really interested in learning about Western customs: hugging, hand-shaking, etc. Hand-shaking is already fairly normal. Hugging is not all that normal, BUT you won't really offend anyone by hugging them- they may just be surprised, and some people like it. I have a Chinese friend who insists we hug every time we see each other.
I think more important to prepare yourself for is not being offensive, but being offended. No matter where you are in China, you will get many more stares than you are used to (in Beijing or Shanghai, or Nanjing, it's less, but still happens). You will hear "hello", and "laowai" a lot too. People will be very curious about you and strangers will probably approach you for random things. (picture-taking, requests for English teaching or "language exchange").
Also- certain subjects which can be really offensive to Americans are not taboo in China. Many average to curvy Western women are taken aback when they are called "fat" by Chinese people. This is not something that's really taboo to talk about in China; and their definition of fat can be very different. Feel free to say to people, "Your comments are hurting my feelings". Most people want to be polite. another taboo topic is money- someone is bound to ask what your salary is. If you don't want to answer, it's perfectly acceptable to give something vague (in fact, Chinese people often do this and expect it). You can say, "oh, just enough to get by", or something.
when giving gifts- it is considered impolite in China to open the gift in front of the gift-giver, but some people may be aware that this is a Western custom. Generally, people who know english will be a bit more knowledgable on western customs. Older people often don't speak English.
Some Chinese people have a style that I have come to call "aggressive hospitality". If you are invited to a Chinese person's home, they will practically force-fee you. They will literally put food in your plate. You don't have to eat every bite.
chinese is hugely crowded and waiting in lines are a totally different experience. You'll see.
Wow, there is so much I could say. I also taught English and I could write a whole lot more about that. You will experience culture shock and days where you are just totally frustrated and exhausted, but you will also get so much out of the experience. TO deal with culture shock, develop some routines: exercise, calling home, going for a walk, etc.
Good luck!
posted by bearette at 8:55 PM on July 30, 2011
There's a lot of good advice in this thread. One thing I'd say though, is that you don't have to worry a TON about offending Chinese people. For one thing, they've been exposed much more to Western customs and culture than we have to Chinese culture. For another, they expect you, as a "laowai" (foreigner; you will learn this word very soon!) to act differently. as long as you SMILE a lot (important) act polite and respectful, don't interrupt or talk over others, act demure and modest, it is pretty hard to really offend people. (being loud and boorish is offensive, but if you are asking this question, chances are you are not.)
if you are going to live in a fairly big city, things will be much different than if you are in a lesser-known city or countryside area. Bigger cities are already adapting lots of Western customs. Besides, Chinese people are usually really interested in learning about Western customs: hugging, hand-shaking, etc. Hand-shaking is already fairly normal. Hugging is not all that normal, BUT you won't really offend anyone by hugging them- they may just be surprised, and some people like it. I have a Chinese friend who insists we hug every time we see each other.
I think more important to prepare yourself for is not being offensive, but being offended. No matter where you are in China, you will get many more stares than you are used to (in Beijing or Shanghai, or Nanjing, it's less, but still happens). You will hear "hello", and "laowai" a lot too. People will be very curious about you and strangers will probably approach you for random things. (picture-taking, requests for English teaching or "language exchange").
Also- certain subjects which can be really offensive to Americans are not taboo in China. Many average to curvy Western women are taken aback when they are called "fat" by Chinese people. This is not something that's really taboo to talk about in China; and their definition of fat can be very different. Feel free to say to people, "Your comments are hurting my feelings". Most people want to be polite. another taboo topic is money- someone is bound to ask what your salary is. If you don't want to answer, it's perfectly acceptable to give something vague (in fact, Chinese people often do this and expect it). You can say, "oh, just enough to get by", or something.
when giving gifts- it is considered impolite in China to open the gift in front of the gift-giver, but some people may be aware that this is a Western custom. Generally, people who know english will be a bit more knowledgable on western customs. Older people often don't speak English.
Some Chinese people have a style that I have come to call "aggressive hospitality". If you are invited to a Chinese person's home, they will practically force-fee you. They will literally put food in your plate. You don't have to eat every bite.
chinese is hugely crowded and waiting in lines are a totally different experience. You'll see.
Wow, there is so much I could say. I also taught English and I could write a whole lot more about that. You will experience culture shock and days where you are just totally frustrated and exhausted, but you will also get so much out of the experience. TO deal with culture shock, develop some routines: exercise, calling home, going for a walk, etc.
Good luck!
posted by bearette at 8:55 PM on July 30, 2011
Yikes, and talking about money is NOT taboo. I wish there were an edit function! leaving thread now.
posted by bearette at 8:58 PM on July 30, 2011
posted by bearette at 8:58 PM on July 30, 2011
The bit about arguing who pays the restaurant check is part of a larger phenomenon. Any kind of giving is met by protests from the recipient. Think along the lines of "Oh, you shouldn't have!" and "No, I really couldn't accept that," but taken to something of an extreme, at least to my eyes. It seems that the more the recipient protests, the more valuable the gift becomes, so that when the recipient eventually does accept it, it is clear that it's really appreciated.
I believe to Chinese, an American's immediate acceptance of gifts probably carries a kind of offhand "thanks for the trivial insignificant trinket" flavor. Where we open a wrapped present and then gush over how special it is, they like to make it special beforehand, by acting like it's too much.
Chinese who are familiar with this difference will be pleased and amused if you react as a Chinese would. Even if it's clear that you feel awkward doing it, they like that you're playing the game.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:39 AM on July 31, 2011
I believe to Chinese, an American's immediate acceptance of gifts probably carries a kind of offhand "thanks for the trivial insignificant trinket" flavor. Where we open a wrapped present and then gush over how special it is, they like to make it special beforehand, by acting like it's too much.
Chinese who are familiar with this difference will be pleased and amused if you react as a Chinese would. Even if it's clear that you feel awkward doing it, they like that you're playing the game.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 5:39 AM on July 31, 2011
9. People may do you huge favors that you're not even aware of - blow their whole food budget on a meal for you, take you somewhere hard to get into. Do favors back if you can. Many people need help with editing an English resume, or have a child who could use some conversational practice, or would enjoy a nice, expensive Western treat (it was a trip to Haagen Dazs for ice cream when I was in Beijing, probably totally different now.)
I'd be extremely wary of this advice. Yes, it's true that some people will do favors for you that are so generous as to almost shame you. I remember a British friend of mine had a language exchange with some poor college student from Anhui. He was feeling a bit lazy or had some other plans with friends and so he called to cancel, saying he felt under the weather. Within hours, this college student came by the dorm with bags of cold medicine which had cost a significant part of his living stipend, and my friend had to sheepishly feign sickness as he accepted all these meds.
This being said, some people will take a random act of kindness and try to milk for all its worth. If newly made acquaintance asks you to proofread her resume and you readily agree, you could soon find yourself proofing 30 more resumes. Know your boundaries.
The only other piece of advice I can think of is to never lose your temper in public. Whether it's being ripped off by your vendor because you're a laowai, or you're running into some bureaucratic snafu, or some old grandmom cut in line in front of you, there will be one day where you want to snap and bitch someone out. Don't do it.
posted by alidarbac at 10:25 PM on July 31, 2011
I'd be extremely wary of this advice. Yes, it's true that some people will do favors for you that are so generous as to almost shame you. I remember a British friend of mine had a language exchange with some poor college student from Anhui. He was feeling a bit lazy or had some other plans with friends and so he called to cancel, saying he felt under the weather. Within hours, this college student came by the dorm with bags of cold medicine which had cost a significant part of his living stipend, and my friend had to sheepishly feign sickness as he accepted all these meds.
This being said, some people will take a random act of kindness and try to milk for all its worth. If newly made acquaintance asks you to proofread her resume and you readily agree, you could soon find yourself proofing 30 more resumes. Know your boundaries.
The only other piece of advice I can think of is to never lose your temper in public. Whether it's being ripped off by your vendor because you're a laowai, or you're running into some bureaucratic snafu, or some old grandmom cut in line in front of you, there will be one day where you want to snap and bitch someone out. Don't do it.
posted by alidarbac at 10:25 PM on July 31, 2011
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1. Chinese customs are not as different from US as people make it out to be - it's that the emphasis is different. Ie, we value "face" in the US a lot too.
2. People can usually tell when you are trying to be polite even if you're doing it wrong on technical points. Plus most people cut foreigners a lot of slack.
3. If you have to guess what people mean, then the answer is usually "no" - ie, you will rarely get a straight "no" since you're foreign and since telling people no is a little bit rude. If you think people seem sort of meh about something, don't do it.
4. Suggestions from your equals or superiors are almost always orders. If your boss refers to how some other foreign teacher did X, she wants you to do X. (see? we do this in the US too, but it's a little more emphatic in China).
5. It was okay to talk about the Cultural Revolution but not Tian An Men in public when I was there. If your students want to talk about the Cultural Revolution, it's probably fine; you may encounter folks who want to talk about Tian An Men or other more recent repressive episodes; make sure you talk to them after class and in private. Sometimes you can hear a lot of interesting stuff - I sure did. Your apartment or phone may be bugged; maybe not. I lived in China during a more bug-ridden era and never worried about it, although I didn't say "down with the great Chinese Communist Party!" on the phone.
6. It's okay to be more informal with your students in most situations than a Chinese teacher would be - that's part of what you're hired for.
7. Remember that the best English practice is talking. Don't talk too much yourself when you're teaching.
8. Don't be one of those creepy foreigners who buys Mao memorabilia/Cultural Revolution posters. Those things commemorate really bad stuff, no matter how much they look like kitsch to you.
9. People may do you huge favors that you're not even aware of - blow their whole food budget on a meal for you, take you somewhere hard to get into. Do favors back if you can. Many people need help with editing an English resume, or have a child who could use some conversational practice, or would enjoy a nice, expensive Western treat (it was a trip to Haagen Dazs for ice cream when I was in Beijing, probably totally different now.)
10. Where are you teaching? The coast is really different from the interior, the north from the south, etc.
You can memail me and I'll be glad to tell you more about my experiences or answer any questions that I can.
I was so stressed and homesick when I was there, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I wish I was there now.
posted by Frowner at 12:55 PM on July 30, 2011