Conversations? Please, please no.
July 12, 2011 8:27 AM   Subscribe

I can't bear hearing multiple conversations/people talking.

Ads on the radio, television, movies, people talking on the phone -- I can't handle any more than one string of conversation at a time. If someone asks me a question while I am on the phone, it just doesn't register, or my concentration shifts to the question-asker and I can't hear the person on the phone. It's as if the phone-talker is just gone. I can't tune conversation out -- at all, like apparently normal people can.

This frustrates me to the point of tears. When it happens I just want to get away from it as quickly as possible. I want to open the car door and dive into a ditch when someone starts talking to me when the radio is playing commercials. Two friends started talking while we were watching a movie earlier today -- full blown conversation across the room, and I had to excuse myself to go cry in the bathroom after a few minutes. It was a casual gathering and the movie was not really "the point" so I felt it would be really rude to tell them to quiet down. This happened earlier today and I still feel extremely anxious, as if I will start crying at any moment.

I have always been this way and continued exposure doesn't seem to improve things for me. I lived in an environment where this happened very often for several years and I was just a nervous wreck all the time, alternating between anxious weepiness and impotent fury.

My SO thinks I am just a whiner and that I should suck it up. This makes me feel even worse and I don't know what to do.

Therapy is difficult because I currently live in a country where I am not a native speaker. I can only basically manage hello and goodbye. I am working on it but I only just arrived and it's going to take some time. I don't want to seem like a psycho bitch or a hypochondriac but I'm at my wits' end.

Do you have a similar problem and have some coping mechanisms? Am I crazy? Is there a way I can explain this to people without seeming like a crybaby? Apparently tuning things out this way is normal and everyone I've ever tried to explain this to has just not seemed to get it -- at all, and thought I should just suck it up and learn to tune things out. I wish I could! I wish it so, so fervently, but it has just never happened for me.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 18 users marked this as a favorite
 
I think your core problem is not the inability to tune out one conversation but rather your emotional reaction to what is for better or worse a fairly common sensory phenomenon.

The high state of anxiety you experience (to the point of crying, or rage) makes me think that your problem might be at least partially physical but it more likely rooted in some sort of psychology.

I'm afraid just sucking it up probably isn't going to work. Therapy would probably help you work through why this is such a triggering event and help implant some sort of coping mechanism. Even if language barriers are going to be a problem, it would definitely help seeing a professional because this is way to common of a trigger to be this miserable about.
posted by vuron at 8:41 AM on July 12, 2011 [2 favorites]


1. That's not very supportive of your SO. Not only are you going through a very tough time in a foreign country but you don't seem to have anyone who you can confide in - right? That really sucks.

2. If not therapy maybe medication? At least so you can manage the worst incidents.

3. You should still try to see a therapist because evidently this isn't something you can manage by yourself. This is having a profound and very negative impact on your life and you need to handle it before it really gets out of hand. How about Online Therapy? I have 0 experience wrt to this but I found a couple of therapists googling [therapist video conference].

4. So currently you're living abroad? Could this be worsening your problem?
posted by Foci for Analysis at 8:42 AM on July 12, 2011


It sounds like the anxiety behind all of this is causing you more distress than any ability or lack thereof to tune out parts of conversations. That's what I'd address first. Some people may be better than others at tuning out distractions and interruptions, but it's not healthy to want to cry or jump in a ditch about it. I think the first thing to do is recognize that this is garden variety anxiety. Google panic attack and find some great resources on how to calm yourself when that anxiety ramps up and you want to run away or cry.
posted by sweetkid at 8:43 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


First off, I want you to know you are not alone, and that there are many, many people in the world with similar reactions to sound and that I am one of them. My sound sensitivity doesn't have to do with competing conversations, but I do have something called misophonia, which means I hear a larger range of sounds than most people and am subsequently driven to tears by "soft" sounds like thumping bass, people's smacking lips as they eat, and animal's tongues as they lap water. You have absolutely every right to have this treated, and treated with respect. Also, your SO is being a dick. You have my permission to tell them so.

If I were you, I would go get checked out by both an audiologist and a psychologist to see if you have some kind of neurological problem that's causing your sensitivity to overwhelm you, and/or some kind of psychologically based trigger that is rendering your brain's ability to filter useless. I know that going to any kind of doctor in a country that does not speak your native tongue is going to be really upsetting, so take care of yourself prior to going. Maybe you could have someone you know translate what it is you'd like to tell your doctor and print it out on paper, and then you could present that to the doctor when you have the chance to meet him or her.

Sending you good thoughts. You deserve to live without this.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:44 AM on July 12, 2011 [5 favorites]


I think you may be a Highly Sensitive Person. I am highly sensitive as well and strongly recommend you read the book in the link. I also hate when there are multiple conversations going on at once and I totally can't deal with it.

It sounds to me like your sound sensitivity is high, and your frustration about the sensitivity itself AND other people's lack of understanding about it are stressing you out and making you cry. The book will give you some tactics to get what you need from others without allowing them to make you feel like a freak.

And, your SO needs to STFU and be a better partner to you. Part of being a partner is advocating for your partner's needs and taking those needs seriously.

Feel free to memail me if you'd like to talk more.
posted by pupstocks at 8:48 AM on July 12, 2011 [3 favorites]


My son had an analogous problem. He found it difficult, almost impossible, to tune out chewing noises. For him it was the equivalent of someone scratching their fingers on a chalkboard. It set his teeth on edge and made him furious.

Treatment: He saw a therapist for several sessions who worked with him on anxiety (she taught exercises for relaxation/anxiety reduction). Then he had to gradually be exposed to the stimulus for measured amounts of time, and when he didn't totally freak out, he got a reward. He worked his way up from less troublesome sounds/situations to more difficult ones.

This has helped a great deal. I won't say it doesn't bother him at all but he has a much easier time of ignoring it now.
posted by tuesdayschild at 8:50 AM on July 12, 2011


I remember watching something on Nova long ago where this inability to separate distinct sensory inputs was also a symptom of attention deficit disorder, as the brain naturally wants to decypher all incoming stimuli regardless. Perhaps looking into remedies or mild medications that address ADD might help? For anything more involved, look into finding an english-speaking doctor and see if it could be something treatable with medication. You likely do not have full on ADD, but I'm sure certain medications can help suppress this kind of sensory overload without making you feel suppressed overall.
posted by samsara at 8:50 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


As one who suffers adult ADHD, I have a similar problem. What I try to do, where possible, is take command of what my inputs are, and reduce distractions for things that I really need to hear. I turn off the radio, pause the TV (love the DVR age), and actually put my hand up to stop people from speaking, and make them speak in turn to me. It requires that I be a little bit of a bastard sometimes, but if people want me to listen to what they have to say, then they have to follow my rules.

Processing a second language when you're not fluent *will* compound this problem, and practice to get to fluency is the only thing that will alleviate the problem. Or, you could return home to where English is spoken. Consider this seriously - immersion in a foreign language environment may not have been the right choice for you.

On a smaller level, I've found that listening to soft music while I read helps train my brain to handle task-switching a little better. But, that may be an ADHD-specific training mechanism, and it may not work as well for you.

Now, the very first thing that you need to do is convince your SO that this is a very real problem. Having people dismiss what you're going through is not helping. And, frankly, if s/he sees that you're literally crying over this, and demands that you "get over it", you may have to seriously consider whether you want to stay with this person. Things that you cry should get full attention and consideration - no exceptions.

Your situation is a tough nut to crack. Don't be afraid to think big in order to get yourself some help.

Good luck.
posted by Citrus at 8:52 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


I highly recommend reading the book Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight, written about and for adults with sensory defensiveness issues. I don't agree with everything the author suggests (some of her treatment ideas are a little unscientific). But reading this book will certainly make you feel less alone, and give you good general information about the symptoms of sensory defensiveness -- which is a real, medically recognized thing that other people besides experience, and is not just you being a whiner as your unsympathetic S.O. so unhelpfully suggested.

You may also want to visit a hearing specialist of some sort to get yourself specifically tested for auditory processing disorder.
posted by BlueJae at 8:59 AM on July 12, 2011 [4 favorites]


You need to seek professional help.
On the point of your SO, think about their feelings as well. They should probably be a bit more sensitive, but you can imagine ones frustration when their SO begins running away cry at the slightest sensory distrubance.

Wish you well, and get help. You shouldn't have to live under this type of anxiety.
posted by handbanana at 9:10 AM on July 12, 2011


Other answers cover what I'd advise in the long term.

You've got to cultivate some awareness of when you are on this path and what can help so you can care for yourself before you reach crying in the bathroom level.

As a short-term stopgap, earplugs can help. Go to the bathroom and stick them in when you feel this coming on. Unless you get orange ones, most people won't notice. Get the ones for musicians that mute highs mids and lows equally so you can still talk to someone if they ask you a quesiton or whatever. Also I've been known to get great relief from chewing Nauzene or similar anti-nausea tablets. I take them sometimes even when I'm not *actually* experiencing nausea, it calms my nervous system some without making me feel drugged.
posted by powerbumpkin at 9:15 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


I just want to point out there is a possible regular physical issue behind this as well. I had a mild traumatic brain injury as a child and that part of my brain was injured, so I have trouble with this. I've never been able to have a conversation in a bar and if someone tries to talk to me near a fan, washer, dryer, running water, etc., forget it. I'm just up front with them about it though and ask if we could go someplace quite, or for people that know me, just put my ear closer to their mouth.

My hearing is actually above normal. 17kHz down to 40Hz or so, meaning it is actually my brain in my case, and finding coping mechanisms might help calm you down, but I second that it could be an anxiety or ADHD problem due to how you're reacting to it, however that could just as easily be reactive rather than the base problem. So approach it from every angle. Go see an ENT. Ask about meds that screw with hearing, if you are on any. Let them do a hearing test. Expect them to say all is ok and then you should ask for an auditory processing disorder test. Try a psychiatrist. See where they want to take things. Be aware they can put you on a very low dose of meds rather than the high doses that trigger weird stuff. Be prepared to experiment for a few years. It's a slow process.

You need to collect data right now, not find a solution. That comes once you know what the problem is, and I'm afraid you just aren't there yet. You can be methodical about this though, and that helps calm the fears at play.
posted by jwells at 9:18 AM on July 12, 2011


Depending on where you are, you might be able to find an English-speaking therapist.
posted by amtho at 9:26 AM on July 12, 2011


A thought: if you decide to go the therapy route, you might try looking for a therapist in your native country who would be willing to work with you over the phone/Skype. I've done this, and while it's not the best solution, it may be easier than trying to find an English-speaking therapist where you are.
posted by Specklet at 9:34 AM on July 12, 2011


I have the same issue. It's most noticeable in social situations where there's a multi-way conversation going on. I just lose what people are saying unless I'm able to talk-and-respond to one person at a time. I fear that has made me appear as some unfortunate combination of taciturn/ignorant/shy/rude/deaf on more occasions than I care to remember.

Many times I have arrived early at such a social occasion and had pleasant, animated conversations - for a while, until a certain threshold number of people arrive - and then, of necessity, I simply fade into the background and do a lot of nodding and smiling. I can no longer follow what's going on, so I struggle to respond. On the plus side, I get plenty to drink because you drink more when you're not talking. :-)

In my case I am sure this is nothing to do with ADHD. I don't have ADHD. What it's to do with is a difficulty in hearing more than one self-contained "noise" at once. By self-contained I don't mean the noise has to be simple - I'm very good at identifying extremely subtle shades in music, for example. I can pick out individual melodies in complex harmonies. But a single piece of music is self-contained, in the sense I mean. It's a "packet" of noise information. It's when multiple, competing "packets" are in play that I lose it. Where sound is concerned, I need to hook into one such packet at a time. A single person's voice - when communicating, not when singing a melody line - is such a packet, for me. Several people all communicating at once is just impenetrable buzz.

Coping mechanisms? I try to organise situations so that I can be near the people I most want or need to talk to. If the communication is actually important, such as at a business meeting, I'm not shy about saying things like:

"Excuse me Jo, just a minute... I'm struggling to hear what Carol's saying here. Could we come back to that?"

"Can we just finish up on this topic first before we get to that?"

And, if someone is being especially bad at talking over others I'm not averse to getting a bit snippy: "Can we please have one conversation at a time? I'm missing a lot of stuff here!"

On social occasions it's harder, because you don't want to come across as a complainer. This is why I often end up in that nodding, smiling and retreating-to-the-background place. I suppose that is a coping mechanism but it doesn't really solve the problem, of course. That's why I do try to sit close to the people I most want to talk to, or try to move if I need to. I confess that sometimes, when I'm really struggling and having to ask someone to repeat themselves over and over, I've claimed to be a bit deaf in order to get them to speak more slowly and clearly. I always feel a bit bad doing this but it often helps a lot.

Of course, with close friends you can just explain the situation openly. They should understand - and so should your SO, by the way. His reaction is distinctly uncool and I hope you can use my example and others to show him that you are not just a whiner, and that other people have this issue too. Please don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault, and people need to be a little more understanding.
posted by Decani at 9:56 AM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


I have somewhat similar experiences, but when there are multiple conversations I can't concentrate on any of them (unless I focus really intently) and it makes my head swim. Same thing with a single conversation with a lot of non-talking background noise. It's frustrating for sure! I've never had an emotional reaction when it happens, though, and I think getting on top of your emotional reactions will help you figure out how to concentrate better in those situations.

Have you looked into cognitive behavioral therapy? I recommend the Feeling Good Handbook as a good place to start (and as a bonus, it doesn't require a therapist). If you can talk yourself out of feeling freaked out, you might be better able to work on the real issue.
posted by radioaction at 10:03 AM on July 12, 2011


I've dealt with a similar problem for a very long time. In my case, my SO is good at helping me deal with it--if there's lots of noise and both kids are talking to me and I'm getting overwhelmed, he's pretty assertive about getting them to pipe down and talk one at a time "so Mommy can hear." One of my sons actually thinks I have a hearing problem. In fact, while I was growing up, my mom was sure I had a hearing problem (I don't; as part of dealing with this, I've had my hearing checked professionally and thoroughly at at least twice as an adult). Sometimes I can hyperfocus on something so intently that I don't hear someone talking to me or about me, even if they're a couple of feet away. Other times, all the noise is too much and I have to limit all the noise and, if I want to hear what someone is saying, stop what I am doing at look at them directly and focus very intently.

What I don't have is the problem with food chewing or smacking lips or little noises like that. I also really like having droning sound (like public radio) on while I am working--but it can play all day I don't even actually register the content.

And, finally, here's what I've learned about this: I was recently diagnosed with ADD. I've just started treatment for it within the past few months. I've also been on a prescription for anxiety for the past few years, so perhaps I can deal with this all better because of that.

In any case, I started clueing into the ADD thing because of stuff I read here on Metafilter. This might not be what you have at all. But keep your eyes open to it and see if the other stuff sounds familiar as well. The medicine I'm on isn't exactly a magic bullet, but I'm getting much, much better at understanding how my brain works and knowing how to deal with this. (One big thing: my kids are finally learning that if they talk to me, and I'm not looking at them, I might not "hear" them. So they know now that if they want to talk to me, they have to wait until we have eye contact.)

Good luck. This sounds super stressful.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:12 AM on July 12, 2011


This is very common among people with ADD or on the autistic spectrum. Maybe you don't have either of those things but it's the sort of thing a specialist in those areas will find very familiar. I would start your search for professional guidance there.

I sympathize with your shame over this, because in my experience, it's the kind of thing people take very personally and are very judgemental about.

Stay away from environments that are likely to be jam-packed with the kind of noise you hate: go to emptier restaurants rather than crowded ones, and ask for a table further away from other diners rather than closer. (If you specifically ask for this, the head waiter will smile and nod and sit you two feet away from the braying plutocrat and his screeching concubine when the rest of the venue is completely empty. You've got to put your foot down in these cases.) At work, get some Bose noise-cancelling headphones and play white noise through them. Be careful with the volume because you can very easily damage your hearing, and it doesn't solve everything - in a normal open-plan office you will still be flooded with misery. But keep trying and you will find something you can handle.
posted by tel3path at 10:43 AM on July 12, 2011


One thing I wanted to also mention is that it's also okay for you to advocate for yourself when you get overwhelmed by too many convos going on at once. You could laugh and say very firmly, "Oh my goodness, way too much going on right now. My brain really cannot handle this many convos at once, and I want to be able to give you my full attention. Can we go over this stuff one moment at a time/move to a quieter location/another really preferable alternative? Thank you!"
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:29 AM on July 12, 2011


Get your hearing tested; if you have a hearing deficit or hyper-acute hearing, this could explain it.

You sound really defensive - you have a genuine aversion to multiple sound stimuli, and you deserve to be treated with care and concern. If you accept that this aversion is worth addressing, which it is, it will help you ask others to accommodate your needs. In an airport, you're out of luck, and I recommend earplugs. In a situation with friends, "Hey Jane and Sue, mind if I pause the movie - you know I get bugged by too many sound sources at once. Thanks." "I'm terribly distracted by too many soundpoints, so I'll just turn the radio down for a bit." "SO, whether I'm a whiner or not, this is really distressing to me, and I'm just going to ask you to not make it worse."

Let me say it again - you deserve to have this issue paid attention to, and it's okay to politely ask for what you need. Therapy to help the condition is a fine idea, too.
posted by theora55 at 12:06 PM on July 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


"I want to open the car door and dive into a ditch when someone starts talking to me when the radio is playing commercials."

Mute the radio. Pause the movie. I do this all the time when with good friends or relatives. If an explanation is necessary I say, "I'm sorry, the radio was distracting me from what you're saying." (Yeah, pausing the movie makes you seem a bit dickish sometimes, but that's part of why I limit my "group television watching.") "Do you mind if I mute the radio? I'm awful at listening to two conversations at once!" or at a gathering: "I'm sorry I seem distracted, I keep hearing Joey in my ear and thinking he's talking to me!" Half the time people say, "OMG, me too, that makes me crazy" or "My mom is like that, she is always turning off my TV!"

Draw your boundary. It's not a weird boundary to draw. Lots of people have the same problem or know someone who does. My husband clearly doesn't understand what my problem is because he doesn't have the problem, but he's accommodating about me needing to mute the TV if he starts talking to me (or, if he wants to hear the TV show, he needs to stop talking). He thinks this is a little bizarre, but he accommodates me.

Personally, I just don't feel bad when I'm at a social gathering and 3 conversations are going on around me and I can listen to none of them. I go get myself some food or a drink and focus on eating for a while until the noise level settles down or the conversation re-coheres into one. It's not something I am doing on purpose to snub people, nor is it something I can avoid, so I just don't worry about it ... and it turns out hardly anybody else notices or cares. If I get "called out" I just say, "I'm sorry, there are so many conversations going on I completely lost track of what we were talking about!" Reduce your anxiety about it by NOT FEELING BAD about it. Yes, sometimes I'm tired and/or I MUST socialize and that exhausts me and makes me feel frustrated (and sometimes teary). But most of the time I can go to my happy place and just ignore EVERYONE if it gets too conversationally chaotic. (The conversations are still "breaking in" on my concentration, but I am not caring what they're about so it's not bothering me that I'm hearing bare fragments of unconnected things.) Being well-rested does help. My friends think I'm sometimes a little spacey in conversation but they don't care.

As much as you can, avoid situations where it's likely to be a big problem. As noted, I don't do a lot of "socializing around TV/movies." Like, I'm not a big fan of Superbowl parties for pretty much this reason. I like going to listen to music, but not where we'll all be talking over the live music. (GAAAAAH. I'd rather stab my eye out!) I prefer quiet restaurants. I either just politely decline invitations where I know it will drive me crazy, or I express my preference when appropriate. My close friends know I'm not usually going to join them at Restaurant A because it is SO. NOISY. We eat more at Restaurant B, the quiet place. If they want to go to A, that is fine; I apply no guilt trips, just say I'll catch them next time, or I might say, "You know, I have a bit of a headache, but why don't I come join you for drinks before dinner and then I'll head home to rest?" A small, controlled dose of "too noisy" where I still socialize but am not trapped all evening.

"Is there a way I can explain this to people without seeming like a crybaby? "

Like I said above, just explain it. It's not crybaby-ish. (And people who say it is are being dicks. Really.) If someone says, "Just tune it out!" just smile and say, "That's never worked for me."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:22 PM on July 12, 2011


Difficulty with sensory overload is often an autism spectrum thing. Just throwing that out there.
posted by J. Wilson at 5:14 PM on July 12, 2011


Therapy is difficult because I currently live in a country where I am not a native speaker. I can only basically manage hello and goodbye.

Are we talking about conversations in your native language, or added one? After I moved to NZ (Swedish speaker, English speaking country and I could speak pretty decent English then, enough to go to University) I could only ever follow one conversation, by concentrating on it. Pubs were the worst for that. And no more than 20 minutes and brain switches off. Took less than a year until I switched to thinking in English and dreaming in English, but the multiple conversations took much longer. Around 7-10 years (hard to pin point) I had reached the point where my subconscious could hear multiple conversations and flag my concious mind when something interesting was said (Ie, normal). Then I moved to Japan, and I'm back to the single conversations again...
posted by lundman at 7:39 PM on July 12, 2011


I have a related issue. I literally can not tune out other conversations, but I am fortunate in that I am able to process two or three of them at a time. When I tell people this, they often express envy, but I generally find it extremely annoying. Either the other conversation is inane and presents a kind of annoying background noise or they say something that I would like to refer to or respond to, but it tends to freak people out if you respond in beat to their conversation when you were in a neighboring conversational group, so I try to suppress the urge. This often results in an eyeroll at a restaurant. My wife refers to this problem as my "curse" and then I can sometimes get some relief by telling her what idiotic thing the person behind just said. It is very tiresome at parties, because she likes me to fill her in on everything interesting that other people said on the way home or the next day, but my ability to retain and regurgitate it isn't that great. When I think of something days later that is especially interesting she always looks exasperated that I didn't remember it sooner.

In any event, I now realize that my version of the "curse" could be much worse. If it overwhelmed me and prevented me from being able to handle the main conversation, I can imagine how terribly frustrating that would be.

The only remotely helpful thing I can offer is that I've noticed when there is background music playing, I can sometimes use the music to "tune out" the other conversations. I can't explain how it works exactly, but if I consciously listen to the music, it occupies a different section of my brain and the "foreign" conversations aren't nearly as intrusive. You might experiment with this.

Also, your choice of seating can help. If you have your back to fabric (a high backed couch or chair is ideal) it will mute the sounds somewhat of other conversations. Try to put the people you are talking to between you and the other conversations and that also helps somewhat. I experimented with cheap rubber ear protection designed to mute loud sounds and it also helped somewhat. I think in my case my hearing is hyper-acute. My employees often comment on my ability to hear conversations in distant parts of the building -- I think that is part of my issue for sure.

As lundman says, I also have that problem when conversations are in another language. My brain just can't keep up and I eventually end up kind of tuning out everything. That must be what it is like for you. That would drive me crazy.
posted by Lame_username at 9:01 AM on July 13, 2011


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