Horribly Selfish or Reasonably Concerned?
June 2, 2011 8:19 PM Subscribe
You think you've stumbled across the man of your dreams, but there's a catch: He's already been through the motions, had his kids, and now he's looking for his 'missing piece,' all at your expense.
Given that you're a single, childless girl like me, this isn't exactly the fantasy we all secretly harbor. The ideal and seemingly unattainable situation of 'meet, date, fall in love, marry, baby makes three' is not something I'm chasing, nor desire for that matter. I simply want to meet someone that I am compatible with- someone who will stick by me through thick and thin, and share a wonderful life with me. That being said, I never expected to fall for a man with such an extensive history- ex-wife, children, etc.
Dating men with children is new territory for me, and I've posed this question because of the inevitable selfish voice from within who continues to nag at me, "What about you? Don't you want to live the American dream? Don't you deserve to date and marry a man that is on the same wavelength, going at the same speed? Don't you want to have a baby someday and render your husband a Daddy for the first time? What about his perspective, are you the last piece in the puzzle of his life? Will he organically, because of his situation, forget to think about what you deserve? Is it going to become all about him, all about his kids, and not about you at all?" All of that nonsense aside, I'm not so self-centered that I couldn't handle 'sharing' Daddy with the spawn, or love and care for them for that matter. To the contrary- I would embrace being part of a family unit and helping out. Regardless, I'm still debating on whether or not I want to sign up for this program.. and I'd love to hear from those folks on here that have some experience with this dynamic.
I would love to hear from single parents that have dated childless people, and what I might expect being the latter in said situation. I would also appreciate perspectives from those women and men that are childless and have dated divorcees with kidlets.
Background
As each situation is unique, I'll elaborate on mine to help aid in the suggestion process.
I know this is going to prompt a few snotty remarks, but I think the age difference plays a role in my situation so I have to dish. Beau is quite a bit older than I am- (I in my 20's, he in his 40's). That being said, both of us strive to maintain a steady mantra of "awareness," in other words, we're both considerate, mature people. Or at least he is, I can't speak for myself in that department but I'd like to think we match up well. Pertaining to his state of mind, I think he's dated enough women after his divorce to recognize the difficulties that come along with 'dating with children.' The relationship he has with his ex-wife is not strained, they communicate on a regular basis regarding the children- (Ages 9 and 12), and seem to be at peace with one another. As for detachment, she has had a boyfriend for quite some time now, and he has had several girlfriends since the split. I'm not concerned with any hanky panky or emotional baggage in that department. Pertaining to custody, I believe it's "shared," however the children live with their mother the majority of the time so I assume she has primary. His children visit him during the summer, and the occasional holiday. He also makes the cross-country trip to visit them periodically to fill the gaps as well, so I have the utmost respect for his devotion to his children. All of that aside, what should I expect being that I have zero experience in the kiddie-dept.? His children are both quite young, and both males.. so I'm making the naive assumption that they will be receptive. They're used to Daddy having "girlfriends," as I believe they've met 2 since the divorce, which was finalized 5 years ago. Beau has mentioned that children are incredibly perceptive, so their reaction is pretty much up to me, (I haven't met them yet). As the eldest of 3, I was always incredibly attentive and involved in my siblings lives, but I have very little experience as an authoritative or maternal figure. That being said, my age has little to do with my preparedness- I know women in their 30's, 40's, and beyond who don't seem to be operating with the level of awareness or compassion that I work so hard to maintain. And I'm sure childless women of all ages have stumbled across single Dads and needed some guidance on the subject. So, please, without making assumptions about my level of preparedness for such a feat, (I wouldn't even consider dating him if I weren't prepared to be up at all hours of the night or prepared to sacrifice the single-gal mentality), give me some solid advice on the subject. I care deeply for this man, and I think he's a wonderful person. He is attentive, loving, silly, incredibly sexy, and financially secure. A life with him would be fabulous, given I'm able to handle his "past" and execute the relationship with grace and respect. Thank you
Given that you're a single, childless girl like me, this isn't exactly the fantasy we all secretly harbor. The ideal and seemingly unattainable situation of 'meet, date, fall in love, marry, baby makes three' is not something I'm chasing, nor desire for that matter. I simply want to meet someone that I am compatible with- someone who will stick by me through thick and thin, and share a wonderful life with me. That being said, I never expected to fall for a man with such an extensive history- ex-wife, children, etc.
Dating men with children is new territory for me, and I've posed this question because of the inevitable selfish voice from within who continues to nag at me, "What about you? Don't you want to live the American dream? Don't you deserve to date and marry a man that is on the same wavelength, going at the same speed? Don't you want to have a baby someday and render your husband a Daddy for the first time? What about his perspective, are you the last piece in the puzzle of his life? Will he organically, because of his situation, forget to think about what you deserve? Is it going to become all about him, all about his kids, and not about you at all?" All of that nonsense aside, I'm not so self-centered that I couldn't handle 'sharing' Daddy with the spawn, or love and care for them for that matter. To the contrary- I would embrace being part of a family unit and helping out. Regardless, I'm still debating on whether or not I want to sign up for this program.. and I'd love to hear from those folks on here that have some experience with this dynamic.
I would love to hear from single parents that have dated childless people, and what I might expect being the latter in said situation. I would also appreciate perspectives from those women and men that are childless and have dated divorcees with kidlets.
Background
As each situation is unique, I'll elaborate on mine to help aid in the suggestion process.
I know this is going to prompt a few snotty remarks, but I think the age difference plays a role in my situation so I have to dish. Beau is quite a bit older than I am- (I in my 20's, he in his 40's). That being said, both of us strive to maintain a steady mantra of "awareness," in other words, we're both considerate, mature people. Or at least he is, I can't speak for myself in that department but I'd like to think we match up well. Pertaining to his state of mind, I think he's dated enough women after his divorce to recognize the difficulties that come along with 'dating with children.' The relationship he has with his ex-wife is not strained, they communicate on a regular basis regarding the children- (Ages 9 and 12), and seem to be at peace with one another. As for detachment, she has had a boyfriend for quite some time now, and he has had several girlfriends since the split. I'm not concerned with any hanky panky or emotional baggage in that department. Pertaining to custody, I believe it's "shared," however the children live with their mother the majority of the time so I assume she has primary. His children visit him during the summer, and the occasional holiday. He also makes the cross-country trip to visit them periodically to fill the gaps as well, so I have the utmost respect for his devotion to his children. All of that aside, what should I expect being that I have zero experience in the kiddie-dept.? His children are both quite young, and both males.. so I'm making the naive assumption that they will be receptive. They're used to Daddy having "girlfriends," as I believe they've met 2 since the divorce, which was finalized 5 years ago. Beau has mentioned that children are incredibly perceptive, so their reaction is pretty much up to me, (I haven't met them yet). As the eldest of 3, I was always incredibly attentive and involved in my siblings lives, but I have very little experience as an authoritative or maternal figure. That being said, my age has little to do with my preparedness- I know women in their 30's, 40's, and beyond who don't seem to be operating with the level of awareness or compassion that I work so hard to maintain. And I'm sure childless women of all ages have stumbled across single Dads and needed some guidance on the subject. So, please, without making assumptions about my level of preparedness for such a feat, (I wouldn't even consider dating him if I weren't prepared to be up at all hours of the night or prepared to sacrifice the single-gal mentality), give me some solid advice on the subject. I care deeply for this man, and I think he's a wonderful person. He is attentive, loving, silly, incredibly sexy, and financially secure. A life with him would be fabulous, given I'm able to handle his "past" and execute the relationship with grace and respect. Thank you
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
Oh, and to the second part...the kids will accept you or not, and you have to accept whatever they decide. You won't be their Mom (they have one already) and will never be the primary authoritarian figure in their lives.
posted by xingcat at 8:34 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by xingcat at 8:34 PM on June 2, 2011
Look, if you absolutely want to have kids, that's a dealbreaker if he doesn't.
Just because you think he's right in so many other ways doesn't matter if that's a priority for you. It's okay to want it, you know. You needn't feel guilty for breaking up with him because you want something he can't give you.
posted by inturnaround at 8:39 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
Just because you think he's right in so many other ways doesn't matter if that's a priority for you. It's okay to want it, you know. You needn't feel guilty for breaking up with him because you want something he can't give you.
posted by inturnaround at 8:39 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm taking two concerns out of this. One, he can't give you what you want -- kids of your own. Two, you can't handle his baggage -- his kids and pas and all that goes along with that. It would help, I think, to try to separate these out in your mind.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:41 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by J. Wilson at 8:41 PM on June 2, 2011
Response by poster: I'm fully aware that I will never take the place of their mother, and I thought I made it clear that it was not my intent to do so. I simply need some advice on how to go about a Stepmother situation if I find myself in such a position.. Obviously I would communicate with him about discipline, etc. but I just wanted to hear from some ladies or men that have been there.
As for having my own child, I've touched on the subject with him.. he seems to be into it. My concern about feeling cheated is petty really, he once said that it "would be a unique situation with you, every child is different." So my concerns with feeling that he has "already done it" are probably typical of a woman in my position and silly, since he expressed interest in it.
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:43 PM on June 2, 2011
As for having my own child, I've touched on the subject with him.. he seems to be into it. My concern about feeling cheated is petty really, he once said that it "would be a unique situation with you, every child is different." So my concerns with feeling that he has "already done it" are probably typical of a woman in my position and silly, since he expressed interest in it.
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:43 PM on June 2, 2011
the spawn
You use a variety of strange words to refer to his children. I am left wondering if there is some resentment there. Perhaps that is something for you to explore. If I am wrong, ignore.
posted by marble at 8:47 PM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
You use a variety of strange words to refer to his children. I am left wondering if there is some resentment there. Perhaps that is something for you to explore. If I am wrong, ignore.
posted by marble at 8:47 PM on June 2, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: I should have made it clear in my initial post that I touched on the subject briefly when we first met, I asked him directly if he would be open to having more children and he said yes. Sorry guys :\
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:47 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:47 PM on June 2, 2011
Response by poster: lol no, no resentment at all. Forgive my terminology
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:47 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:47 PM on June 2, 2011
Has he brought up marriage? You spend a lot of time in your question detailing how you feel and how you seem to be weighing the pros and cons of a relationship with him, but do you know he is interested in you for a ltr?
posted by mlis at 8:48 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by mlis at 8:48 PM on June 2, 2011
Response by poster: Yes.. we've discussed marriage at length (he brings it up regularly) and his behavior indicates he is all about it. I wouldn't be having these feelings/thinking so critically about the whole dynamic if he wasn't giving me those signs.
Thanks for the posts guys..
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:53 PM on June 2, 2011
Thanks for the posts guys..
posted by JeSuisLibre at 8:53 PM on June 2, 2011
Response by poster: Scratch the personal story, I'd appreciate general advice on dating a man with children. Oy
posted by JeSuisLibre at 9:05 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by JeSuisLibre at 9:05 PM on June 2, 2011
To answer what I think you're asking with some anecdata:
I was a single mom of 3 kids (ages 6, 10, 11) when I met my husband who is 7 years younger than I am. He was 23 and I was nearly 31. I had a tubal ligation after my youngest child and my husband was actually ok with it-he wasn't really all that invested in being a father.
As with any relationship, there were some bumps in the road initially with kids and adjustments and normal newlywed stuff and those smoothed out pretty well within the first year. About 4 years into the marriage he had changed his mind about wanting to have a child (he says it's because he missed knowing my kids when they were babies/toddlers), so we did a cycle of IVF and have an 8 year old son now-married 13 years and together for 14.
So, it can work-and on paper you'd totally think my relationship would be a trainwreck, but nope, we're happy.
Best of luck in whatever you decide together.
posted by hollygoheavy at 9:09 PM on June 2, 2011
I was a single mom of 3 kids (ages 6, 10, 11) when I met my husband who is 7 years younger than I am. He was 23 and I was nearly 31. I had a tubal ligation after my youngest child and my husband was actually ok with it-he wasn't really all that invested in being a father.
As with any relationship, there were some bumps in the road initially with kids and adjustments and normal newlywed stuff and those smoothed out pretty well within the first year. About 4 years into the marriage he had changed his mind about wanting to have a child (he says it's because he missed knowing my kids when they were babies/toddlers), so we did a cycle of IVF and have an 8 year old son now-married 13 years and together for 14.
So, it can work-and on paper you'd totally think my relationship would be a trainwreck, but nope, we're happy.
Best of luck in whatever you decide together.
posted by hollygoheavy at 9:09 PM on June 2, 2011
I think your updates are maybe generous given the title of your question and the wording of the question itself.
You don't sound at all into this.
Don't do it.
posted by jbenben at 9:11 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
You don't sound at all into this.
Don't do it.
posted by jbenben at 9:11 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
You're talking about marriage and you assume she has primary custody? You need to talk to the guy some more*.
* I have a friend that dated a woman with two kids. She would take the kids to spend the weekends with their dad. One Saturday night her ex-husband showed up at my friend's house in the middle of the night to do some crazy ex-husband shit. I asked my friend "who was watching the kids while the ex was going nuts" as this apparently hadn't crossed his mind. Turns out the kids were at their dad's house. The ex-husband isn't the kids dad, some other guy is. Don't assume anything.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 9:11 PM on June 2, 2011
* I have a friend that dated a woman with two kids. She would take the kids to spend the weekends with their dad. One Saturday night her ex-husband showed up at my friend's house in the middle of the night to do some crazy ex-husband shit. I asked my friend "who was watching the kids while the ex was going nuts" as this apparently hadn't crossed his mind. Turns out the kids were at their dad's house. The ex-husband isn't the kids dad, some other guy is. Don't assume anything.
posted by The Hamms Bear at 9:11 PM on June 2, 2011
I don't have any advice about being a stepmother... although even I know enough to know that calling potential stepchildren "spawn" - even in an attempt at levity - betrays a certain amount of discomfort (at best) or an inability to fully grasp what it means to be in a serious relationship with a parent. That said - all I can do is give you a little escape hatch. I don't know you or your boyfriend and, of course, this could work out incredibly well for all concerned! But. If you're already feeling regret and worry and fear... for pete's sake you're in your twenties. You might want to walk away. It's ok to want to want to build a family with someone who didn't already have one and who isn't old enough to be your father.
posted by moxiedoll at 9:12 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by moxiedoll at 9:12 PM on June 2, 2011
Scratch the personal story, I'd appreciate general advice on dating a man with children. Oy
You are certain to get some very opinionated answers that take into account all of the detail you provided.
posted by mlis at 9:13 PM on June 2, 2011
You are certain to get some very opinionated answers that take into account all of the detail you provided.
posted by mlis at 9:13 PM on June 2, 2011
His kids live across the country, he's open to marriage and kids, he doesn't have drama with the ex. I'm missing exactly what you're concerned about here.
posted by amro at 9:14 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by amro at 9:14 PM on June 2, 2011 [2 favorites]
Mod note: comment removed - please try to answer the question asked. OP, you sort of need to accept that this advice is free; you might want to take a step back and let the thread develop. Name calling from anyone is not really okay.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:21 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 9:21 PM on June 2, 2011
Response by poster: I don't have any advice about being a stepmother... although even I know enough to know that calling potential stepchildren "spawn" - even in an attempt at levity - betrays a certain amount of discomfort (at best) or an inability to fully grasp what it means to be in a serious relationship with a parent
This is completely ridiculous lol. Did you even read the rest of the post? I'm easily amused and think the term is hilarious, I'd call my own child my little 'evil spawn' in a completely innocent and harmless manner on a regular basis if I had one. You'd have to watch my expression while I said it lovingly to understand I guess. I'm all about teasing/playing and often use terminology that might be deemed crass by those hyper-sensitive individuals out there who project.
I'm all about his kids.
posted by JeSuisLibre at 9:23 PM on June 2, 2011
This is completely ridiculous lol. Did you even read the rest of the post? I'm easily amused and think the term is hilarious, I'd call my own child my little 'evil spawn' in a completely innocent and harmless manner on a regular basis if I had one. You'd have to watch my expression while I said it lovingly to understand I guess. I'm all about teasing/playing and often use terminology that might be deemed crass by those hyper-sensitive individuals out there who project.
I'm all about his kids.
posted by JeSuisLibre at 9:23 PM on June 2, 2011
You're either interested enough in him as a whole package or you're not. And no one else can answer that but you.
posted by mleigh at 9:28 PM on June 2, 2011
posted by mleigh at 9:28 PM on June 2, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
The main thing, I think, has nothing to do with the age difference or his past relationship or his current kids. If you were seeing someone who didn't want kids who was your age and had no prior relationships, the question would be the same. Are you willing to accept this incompatibility in wanting to have children because the rest of the relationship is good enough to make up for it?
That's a question only you can answer.
posted by xingcat at 8:33 PM on June 2, 2011 [1 favorite]