I feel lost, can you help? :( :(
May 17, 2011 4:28 AM Subscribe
Still lost, a bit more now.
So if you read my last post you will see I was feeling quite lost.
I'm almost 26, live with my parents basically all my life, work in a boring government job, have few friends, got dumped (2 months ago after 2 year relationship), and basically don't know which direction to take. Tried doing uni, dropped out a few times.
I was thinking moving city was the answer. But know I am not so sure, I had an interview lined up in another city (for another boring admin job) but I pulled out of this at the last minute - I had a sleepless night over it. So I took this as a sign I wasn't ready. Actually making the plunge was bringing on all sorts of anxieties and worries. So I figured I need to plan something out better or something.
I know everyone feels lost from time to time. But I'm in the prime of my life and feel like I am wasting my years away. I feel like I'm on the verge of sickness if I don't do anything, but I don't know what to do.
Alot of people previously said move out, and that they 'found themselves' by moving cities even countries.
I feel like I've tried everything here in terms of hobbies etc to be happy.
I have no one to talk to except my mother about this lol. And it really gets me down, all the lonely nights and weekends I spend at home. I just want some friends to connect with. So if anyone here feels like sending me a pm or something i would really appreciate it right now.
I honestly think I am a pretty nice good looking guy, who treats people very well. And is easy to get along with, yet I don't seem to be able to make any connections with people or forge deeper relationships. My birthday will be soon and I'm sure it will only be met with a few text messages here and there. I know I have alot of potential - but I don't know how to use it. It burns me I can't hold on to long relationships with people.
I really don't feel like therapy is the answer either. I know this is where some people turn to alcohol or whatever to numb the mundaneness of life. But I'm not that sort of person either. I can see all this for what it is but don't know how to get out. I am quite a spiritual person and do meditate and do yoga, so I am able to connect with stillness sometimes. But then you have to wake up and face the 'real world' which is where I fall short. I wake up with nothing but dread when life really shouldn't be like that. I've got older and unhappier but I want to reverse this process somehow and my unconditioned patterns of self sabotage.
So I suppose my question is can anyone relate to me here? And if so how have you found your 'way'. I'm not suicidal but feel like if my life continues like this I will be before long. I know people tend to turn to relationships or whatever to block out the harsh realities of life. But I am unable to even find people interested in me. Perhaps because I am in a perennial state of moping. I'm wondering if me hanging around my parents so much is giving me this unrealistic cushion for life. And preventing me from getting out there in the thick of it.
******I see my dad and he was a government worker and struggles with depression I think. So I think I've learnt some of these habitual patterns. My parents want nothing more than for me to play it safe and stick with the government job as it is a comfortable existence. But I hate the idea of a comfortable existence right now. Right now I just want to be tested somehow and know that I can come out the other end in one piece.
So if you read my last post you will see I was feeling quite lost.
I'm almost 26, live with my parents basically all my life, work in a boring government job, have few friends, got dumped (2 months ago after 2 year relationship), and basically don't know which direction to take. Tried doing uni, dropped out a few times.
I was thinking moving city was the answer. But know I am not so sure, I had an interview lined up in another city (for another boring admin job) but I pulled out of this at the last minute - I had a sleepless night over it. So I took this as a sign I wasn't ready. Actually making the plunge was bringing on all sorts of anxieties and worries. So I figured I need to plan something out better or something.
I know everyone feels lost from time to time. But I'm in the prime of my life and feel like I am wasting my years away. I feel like I'm on the verge of sickness if I don't do anything, but I don't know what to do.
Alot of people previously said move out, and that they 'found themselves' by moving cities even countries.
I feel like I've tried everything here in terms of hobbies etc to be happy.
I have no one to talk to except my mother about this lol. And it really gets me down, all the lonely nights and weekends I spend at home. I just want some friends to connect with. So if anyone here feels like sending me a pm or something i would really appreciate it right now.
I honestly think I am a pretty nice good looking guy, who treats people very well. And is easy to get along with, yet I don't seem to be able to make any connections with people or forge deeper relationships. My birthday will be soon and I'm sure it will only be met with a few text messages here and there. I know I have alot of potential - but I don't know how to use it. It burns me I can't hold on to long relationships with people.
I really don't feel like therapy is the answer either. I know this is where some people turn to alcohol or whatever to numb the mundaneness of life. But I'm not that sort of person either. I can see all this for what it is but don't know how to get out. I am quite a spiritual person and do meditate and do yoga, so I am able to connect with stillness sometimes. But then you have to wake up and face the 'real world' which is where I fall short. I wake up with nothing but dread when life really shouldn't be like that. I've got older and unhappier but I want to reverse this process somehow and my unconditioned patterns of self sabotage.
So I suppose my question is can anyone relate to me here? And if so how have you found your 'way'. I'm not suicidal but feel like if my life continues like this I will be before long. I know people tend to turn to relationships or whatever to block out the harsh realities of life. But I am unable to even find people interested in me. Perhaps because I am in a perennial state of moping. I'm wondering if me hanging around my parents so much is giving me this unrealistic cushion for life. And preventing me from getting out there in the thick of it.
******I see my dad and he was a government worker and struggles with depression I think. So I think I've learnt some of these habitual patterns. My parents want nothing more than for me to play it safe and stick with the government job as it is a comfortable existence. But I hate the idea of a comfortable existence right now. Right now I just want to be tested somehow and know that I can come out the other end in one piece.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
What were your anxieties/worries about taking a job in another city about? Sometimes it's best to feel the anxiety over a major decision/change and ignore it, and do the thing anyway. It sounds like you have a problem with analysis paralysis? If that's the case, don't worry about feeling anxious about change or making a decision right now. Just pick something and ride the fear out.
Another thing - can you go into more detail about your self-sabotaging habits?
I can relate to the social part - I have few long-lasting friends, and my birthday wishes tend to be similarly sparse. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
posted by biochemist at 4:52 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Another thing - can you go into more detail about your self-sabotaging habits?
I can relate to the social part - I have few long-lasting friends, and my birthday wishes tend to be similarly sparse. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.
posted by biochemist at 4:52 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
I can relate, no doubt. The best thing I can tell you is something that it took me a LONG time to get through my thick skull: You will never find the life you want staying at home. You can't connect with people if you aren't around people to connect with. You will never find a meaningful and fulfilling life if you don't go out there and try. You must try. Yes, it's hard and you will stumble and fail along the way, but you must at least try.
posted by SoulOnIce at 4:53 AM on May 17, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by SoulOnIce at 4:53 AM on May 17, 2011 [8 favorites]
unconditioned patterns of self sabotage
Uh, what's wrong with therapy again? Go. Helping break patterns is what therapists do for a living.
I am unable to even find people interested in me
What about finding people who are interesting to you? If you're interested in people, there's a good chance they'll become interested in you.
I'm wondering if me hanging around my parents so much is giving me this unrealistic cushion for life.
Most likely, yes. Move out. Moving out means moving on.
...to numb the mundaneness of life
The "mundane-ness of life" is something I struggle with. But my THERAPIST (hint hint) put a bug in my head that goes something like this: "Not every night is Saturday night." Meaning, not every day is going to be amazing. In fact, a lot of life is actually pretty boring. That's ok. Saturday night's a'comin, so rest up.
So I suppose my question is can anyone relate to me here?
I think all of us, at some point in our lives, have felt like this. Maybe not to the brink of suicidal thinking, but yeah. I know that looking at this whole picture can be overwhelming.
A little anecdote about that:
I was super bad at math, still am. But it was more the fact that I would look down at my homework, see all of the problems that needed to be solved, and completely shut down. I wouldn't even try.
But my mother came up with a brilliant plan: she cut a square hole in a sheet of paper and placed it over on my homework, so that I could only see one problem at a time. Dang straight, I got it done. One problem at a time.
I still do this when I have big, overwhelming obstacles. I think "HOLE IN THE PAPER HOLE IN THE PAPER," then pick one thing to tackle. Just one.
I think that thing should be moving out.
*cuts hole in paper for quiero ser feliz*
posted by functionequalsform at 4:54 AM on May 17, 2011 [36 favorites]
Uh, what's wrong with therapy again? Go. Helping break patterns is what therapists do for a living.
I am unable to even find people interested in me
What about finding people who are interesting to you? If you're interested in people, there's a good chance they'll become interested in you.
I'm wondering if me hanging around my parents so much is giving me this unrealistic cushion for life.
Most likely, yes. Move out. Moving out means moving on.
...to numb the mundaneness of life
The "mundane-ness of life" is something I struggle with. But my THERAPIST (hint hint) put a bug in my head that goes something like this: "Not every night is Saturday night." Meaning, not every day is going to be amazing. In fact, a lot of life is actually pretty boring. That's ok. Saturday night's a'comin, so rest up.
So I suppose my question is can anyone relate to me here?
I think all of us, at some point in our lives, have felt like this. Maybe not to the brink of suicidal thinking, but yeah. I know that looking at this whole picture can be overwhelming.
A little anecdote about that:
I was super bad at math, still am. But it was more the fact that I would look down at my homework, see all of the problems that needed to be solved, and completely shut down. I wouldn't even try.
But my mother came up with a brilliant plan: she cut a square hole in a sheet of paper and placed it over on my homework, so that I could only see one problem at a time. Dang straight, I got it done. One problem at a time.
I still do this when I have big, overwhelming obstacles. I think "HOLE IN THE PAPER HOLE IN THE PAPER," then pick one thing to tackle. Just one.
I think that thing should be moving out.
*cuts hole in paper for quiero ser feliz*
posted by functionequalsform at 4:54 AM on May 17, 2011 [36 favorites]
Oops, I meant that to read as don't worry about feeling anxious about making a decision.
posted by biochemist at 4:55 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by biochemist at 4:55 AM on May 17, 2011
I can see all this for what it is but don't know how to get out.
Just curious about why you think therapy is not the answer? To me, therapy is a way to find out how to get out.
posted by greenfelttip at 4:57 AM on May 17, 2011
Just curious about why you think therapy is not the answer? To me, therapy is a way to find out how to get out.
posted by greenfelttip at 4:57 AM on May 17, 2011
You know that scared feeling you had before that interview? That's the feeling that almost everyone gets before they do something big or exciting.
If you only choose the things that don't make you nervous, you will always be bored.
Make choices that get you excited. Don't pull out when you're nervous. 'Fake it till you make it" when it comes to independence and bravery. Your life won't change if you only make choices that you feel comfortable with.
posted by Kololo at 5:09 AM on May 17, 2011 [6 favorites]
If you only choose the things that don't make you nervous, you will always be bored.
Make choices that get you excited. Don't pull out when you're nervous. 'Fake it till you make it" when it comes to independence and bravery. Your life won't change if you only make choices that you feel comfortable with.
posted by Kololo at 5:09 AM on May 17, 2011 [6 favorites]
Be careful. You could end up in a cult, just to get rid of that "lost" feeling.
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:12 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by Obscure Reference at 5:12 AM on May 17, 2011
Response by poster: thanks for all your responses so far. love askmetafilter
well so you all know i did go to a house and get 'interviewed' for being a housemate tonight. but i don't think it went great with me saying i like to keep to myself. ugh - what was i thinking who wants that. it's so tricky to find housemates to be compatible with - especially when in my city everyone is either an academic or public servant. i want to be independent but not at the cost of living with people i don't want and isolating myself further. these housemates were nice though :)
i keep asking my mother for answers on all this but it just stresses her - i know she will only give me a mothers perspective yet i keep going back to it...maybe because she is the one that understands my situation the most i guess. yup little 25 year old mummys boy here- and hating it too.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 5:14 AM on May 17, 2011
well so you all know i did go to a house and get 'interviewed' for being a housemate tonight. but i don't think it went great with me saying i like to keep to myself. ugh - what was i thinking who wants that. it's so tricky to find housemates to be compatible with - especially when in my city everyone is either an academic or public servant. i want to be independent but not at the cost of living with people i don't want and isolating myself further. these housemates were nice though :)
i keep asking my mother for answers on all this but it just stresses her - i know she will only give me a mothers perspective yet i keep going back to it...maybe because she is the one that understands my situation the most i guess. yup little 25 year old mummys boy here- and hating it too.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 5:14 AM on May 17, 2011
You need to move out. But you knew that already. So the only question is: what's stopping you? One bad houseshare interview is not reason enough to give up: that's your lack of self-esteem talking. I know how hard it is to do anything with that crushing weight of misery and self doubt hanging over you, but you at least seem to recognise that there's a need for change. Start by seeking professional help. And don't talk yourself out of getting that help: you deserve as much of a chance at a fulfilled, happy life as everyone else.
posted by londonmark at 5:28 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by londonmark at 5:28 AM on May 17, 2011
25/26 is not your prime, unless you play pro sports. In case that helps. Professionally, I think your prime is like your 40s or your 50s. In terms of having an interesting/fulfilling life and being an interesting person, you're only at the starting line. Your prime doesn't come until later.
Have you googled "quarter life crisis"? This is so common that there's a term for it. And books on it. (Some of which are kind-of annoying.)
"me saying i like to keep to myself. ugh - what was i thinking who wants that. "
Uh ... lots of people? I was always cordial with my roommates but rarely BFFs and happier that way. A nice, quiet, friendly person who didn't expect me to be super-social at home and didn't throw giant parties or subject me to a constant parade of strangers? Sounds great. It's a little bit "don't shit where you eat," you know? Sometimes you're better off NOT living with your best friend, NOT relying on your housemates for socializing, NOT expecting a significant other to be your everything, etc. In our house we call this "needing more monkeys." You need a certain critical mass of people in your life who fulfill different needs ... you don't go to the barber for surgery (anymore), after all, and you don't go to your housemates for your social life.
I also wanted to point out that your life doesn't seem to HAVE many "harsh realities" that you're talking about having to hide from -- you're employed, you have food, you have family. You're struggling to find a group of friends, which is just about the commonest thing in the (first) world in your 20s, and you're struggling to find a fulfilling job, ditto. But it's not like you're doing backbreaking labor on a sugar plantation for starvation wages. Having a pretty good life and feeling like it's crap and you have nothing to be happy about is a classic sign of depression and a good sign you do, in fact, need therapy to help.
(And if you wanted to be tested, take up kayaking or rock climbing or something. You'll meet some people, test yourself, succeed at something, gain confidence, etc.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:28 AM on May 17, 2011 [4 favorites]
Have you googled "quarter life crisis"? This is so common that there's a term for it. And books on it. (Some of which are kind-of annoying.)
"me saying i like to keep to myself. ugh - what was i thinking who wants that. "
Uh ... lots of people? I was always cordial with my roommates but rarely BFFs and happier that way. A nice, quiet, friendly person who didn't expect me to be super-social at home and didn't throw giant parties or subject me to a constant parade of strangers? Sounds great. It's a little bit "don't shit where you eat," you know? Sometimes you're better off NOT living with your best friend, NOT relying on your housemates for socializing, NOT expecting a significant other to be your everything, etc. In our house we call this "needing more monkeys." You need a certain critical mass of people in your life who fulfill different needs ... you don't go to the barber for surgery (anymore), after all, and you don't go to your housemates for your social life.
I also wanted to point out that your life doesn't seem to HAVE many "harsh realities" that you're talking about having to hide from -- you're employed, you have food, you have family. You're struggling to find a group of friends, which is just about the commonest thing in the (first) world in your 20s, and you're struggling to find a fulfilling job, ditto. But it's not like you're doing backbreaking labor on a sugar plantation for starvation wages. Having a pretty good life and feeling like it's crap and you have nothing to be happy about is a classic sign of depression and a good sign you do, in fact, need therapy to help.
(And if you wanted to be tested, take up kayaking or rock climbing or something. You'll meet some people, test yourself, succeed at something, gain confidence, etc.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:28 AM on May 17, 2011 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: oh and another thing alot of you have said maybe therapy is the answer.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a year or so now which has helped. but a psychologist is alot different from a therapist right.
going into therapy just makes me feel like a self serving ass i guess, much like going to the psychologist. I am a healthy 25 yo guy who is sometimes happy. and have so much more than others can hope for in this world. but i've been born into a crazy and sometimes crappy world i think so i have to find out some way or another to deal with it. i just guess i want to feel connected with others really and basically have a feeling of rootedness, so i don't feel like everything is meaningless.
i read alot of tolle/thich nhat hanh etc etc. but they promote one thing only - living in the now. i know it's all about the now, but i have to figure out some way to be grounded in the now. which means planning for the future and not living in the now. and going over what went wrong in the past which means analysing the past
basically i am thinking my way through life and not experiencing it. maybe this is my function in this world. ugh i hate my life really so much.
are therapists alot more expensive than psychologists?
i guess the thing holding me back from going in depth into that stuff is this belief inside me i will only sort myself out by putting myself out in the world a bit more, not discussing and analysing all my problems with a wealthy therapist who goes home to their loving wife/husband and children.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 5:30 AM on May 17, 2011
I have been seeing a psychologist for a year or so now which has helped. but a psychologist is alot different from a therapist right.
going into therapy just makes me feel like a self serving ass i guess, much like going to the psychologist. I am a healthy 25 yo guy who is sometimes happy. and have so much more than others can hope for in this world. but i've been born into a crazy and sometimes crappy world i think so i have to find out some way or another to deal with it. i just guess i want to feel connected with others really and basically have a feeling of rootedness, so i don't feel like everything is meaningless.
i read alot of tolle/thich nhat hanh etc etc. but they promote one thing only - living in the now. i know it's all about the now, but i have to figure out some way to be grounded in the now. which means planning for the future and not living in the now. and going over what went wrong in the past which means analysing the past
basically i am thinking my way through life and not experiencing it. maybe this is my function in this world. ugh i hate my life really so much.
are therapists alot more expensive than psychologists?
i guess the thing holding me back from going in depth into that stuff is this belief inside me i will only sort myself out by putting myself out in the world a bit more, not discussing and analysing all my problems with a wealthy therapist who goes home to their loving wife/husband and children.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 5:30 AM on May 17, 2011
Here's an anecdote: in fire academy, a friend was having trouble getting through "the maze," a sort of interior obstacle course that must be navigated by touch, in complete darkness, wearing full fire gear and breathing apparatus. Every time he crawled in, he felt intense claustrophobia, and would back out despite his best intentions. The instructors worked with him, cajoling him, trying to keep him calm, but he kept failing at the task. They all knew he would have to leave the department if he couldn't do it. They had him prepare to enter the maze again. Then, one of the most intimidating instructors began bellowing at deafening volume: "GET YOUR ASS IN THAT MAZE RIGHT NOW!" and continued yelling as my friend successfully navigated the entire maze. From that point on, he had little trouble with it, because he knew he could make it.
People are trying to be supportive and give good advice; none of the answers provided to your last post are any less relevant now. You're just not doing it yet. So, don't take it personally, but I'm going to yell. LISTEN TO THEIR ADVICE AND DO SOMETHING! What you're doing now isn't working, right? Otherwise you wouldn't be posting again. I don't care whose advice you follow, just PICK ONE AND DO IT. Get your ass in that maze! Once you do something to break the cycle you're in, you'll know you can do more to change your life. No one is going to fix this for you but yourself.
posted by itstheclamsname at 5:31 AM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
People are trying to be supportive and give good advice; none of the answers provided to your last post are any less relevant now. You're just not doing it yet. So, don't take it personally, but I'm going to yell. LISTEN TO THEIR ADVICE AND DO SOMETHING! What you're doing now isn't working, right? Otherwise you wouldn't be posting again. I don't care whose advice you follow, just PICK ONE AND DO IT. Get your ass in that maze! Once you do something to break the cycle you're in, you'll know you can do more to change your life. No one is going to fix this for you but yourself.
posted by itstheclamsname at 5:31 AM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
". . . maybe because she [mum] is the one who understands my situation the most I guess"
No, your mum doesn't understand your situation the most, YOU understand your situation the most. Assuming your mum isn't abusive or controlling, she's just trying to help; but she's helping in 'that way' that mum's help. (One of) your problem(s) is that past a certain age (and I think you're probably past that age), the 'that way' mum's help becomes a hindrance.
Now, there's no reason why, in time, you can't develop a healthy adult relationship with your mum -- a lot of people do, after all. But right now you have a parent-child relationship with your mum that's not helping your situation at all.
The people on Metafilter here are giving your great advice because they're giving you advice adult-to-adult. Listen to their advice and do something. Once you've moved out and developed a sense of who you are you'll be in a better position to renegotiate your relationship with your mum on adult terms.
posted by davidjohnfox at 5:45 AM on May 17, 2011
No, your mum doesn't understand your situation the most, YOU understand your situation the most. Assuming your mum isn't abusive or controlling, she's just trying to help; but she's helping in 'that way' that mum's help. (One of) your problem(s) is that past a certain age (and I think you're probably past that age), the 'that way' mum's help becomes a hindrance.
Now, there's no reason why, in time, you can't develop a healthy adult relationship with your mum -- a lot of people do, after all. But right now you have a parent-child relationship with your mum that's not helping your situation at all.
The people on Metafilter here are giving your great advice because they're giving you advice adult-to-adult. Listen to their advice and do something. Once you've moved out and developed a sense of who you are you'll be in a better position to renegotiate your relationship with your mum on adult terms.
posted by davidjohnfox at 5:45 AM on May 17, 2011
I have never had a job interview, including for jobs I didn't need and weren't particularly interested in, that didn't involve a bad night's sleep. That's no reason not to go to the interview. In fact, you should set up more interviews - if you can, I know the economy's not fantastic - and go on them entirely for practice. You should go on more housemate interviews for practice as well.
You put the tag "therapy" on your question, and "depressed", so I'm going to assume that the "I don't deserve to go to therapy talk" is actually your depression stopping you from getting some tools to feel better. I think you should wrestle that down and go anyway, so you can talk to someone who isn't your mum and work on some life/coping skills.
The more interesting you are, the more interesting your life will be. Go take an improv class or do some volunteer work or spend a month learning Spanish from CDs from the library. Something, anything, different from the current routine; make your brain do something new. Almost anything you do at this point will give you a tiny bit of new perspective, which is something you need. But really try to get into some therapy as well, because I think it would be helpful for you even in the short term.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:03 AM on May 17, 2011
You put the tag "therapy" on your question, and "depressed", so I'm going to assume that the "I don't deserve to go to therapy talk" is actually your depression stopping you from getting some tools to feel better. I think you should wrestle that down and go anyway, so you can talk to someone who isn't your mum and work on some life/coping skills.
The more interesting you are, the more interesting your life will be. Go take an improv class or do some volunteer work or spend a month learning Spanish from CDs from the library. Something, anything, different from the current routine; make your brain do something new. Almost anything you do at this point will give you a tiny bit of new perspective, which is something you need. But really try to get into some therapy as well, because I think it would be helpful for you even in the short term.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:03 AM on May 17, 2011
I am a healthy 25 yo guy who is sometimes happy. and have so much more than others can hope for in this world.
Just because others are more unhappy than you doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be unhappy or that you're ungrateful if you are - it's all relative.
You need some friends to help you gain perspective, but you feel like you're so worthless nobody will want to be your friend. It's easier to retreat into yourself and maintain the status quo of a known quantity of miserable than to put yourself out there.
Catastrophizing is paralyzing. To become less paralyzed, get out there and try something. Do one thing: one Meetup group meeting, one club meeting, one gym class, or whatever. If you don't like it, you never have to go back! And then try another.
Get acquainted with the feeling of relief after doing it, whatever that event is. My anxiety ratchets up higher and higher as I get closer to doing something risky, and I used to let that scare me out of doing it. And you know what? I never addressed my problems and I never made the changes that could lead to happiness. Now, I soldier through and just get it done, and the relief is palpable. Through repetition, I'm getting more and more acquainted with the wonderful feeling that I did what I could.
Your attempt might fail, but never fail to make an attempt. (Unknown author)
posted by bookdragoness at 6:04 AM on May 17, 2011
Just because others are more unhappy than you doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be unhappy or that you're ungrateful if you are - it's all relative.
You need some friends to help you gain perspective, but you feel like you're so worthless nobody will want to be your friend. It's easier to retreat into yourself and maintain the status quo of a known quantity of miserable than to put yourself out there.
Catastrophizing is paralyzing. To become less paralyzed, get out there and try something. Do one thing: one Meetup group meeting, one club meeting, one gym class, or whatever. If you don't like it, you never have to go back! And then try another.
Get acquainted with the feeling of relief after doing it, whatever that event is. My anxiety ratchets up higher and higher as I get closer to doing something risky, and I used to let that scare me out of doing it. And you know what? I never addressed my problems and I never made the changes that could lead to happiness. Now, I soldier through and just get it done, and the relief is palpable. Through repetition, I'm getting more and more acquainted with the wonderful feeling that I did what I could.
Your attempt might fail, but never fail to make an attempt. (Unknown author)
posted by bookdragoness at 6:04 AM on May 17, 2011
26 is a harder time of life than people realize. A lot of people in my life have crossed the threshold of 30 and been like, WOW. I'm a lot happier. I think the 20s are a very real transition time; you've been in school & held by the hand for the first 16-25 years of your life, and then it can be like falling off the map. Finding the new path can take time. It's also a time of figuring out adult interactions, and that can be every bit as demoralizing as figuring out the playground rules. Hang in there; it does get better. You are only entering your prime, not leaving it. Time will help; therapy may also help (not all therapy is for Big Trauma). But this is not forever & your best years are still ahead of you. Paciencia, estaras feliz.
posted by Ys at 6:09 AM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by Ys at 6:09 AM on May 17, 2011 [2 favorites]
I understand that you don't want to go to therapy. Have you looked into studying positive psychology? It's a developing field in psychology which studies "everything that goes right" (basically the opposite of abnormal psychology). A lot of people are publishing new books on happiness -- you've seen them in all the self-help sections of bookstores, unqualified people who just want to make a buck -- but if you sift through, you can find some really good information. I took a class on it last semester, and just about all the students agreed that the class changed their lives.
Happiness exercises help a lot. Don't laugh! I know it sounds cliche, but truly, if you throw yourself into them, they can be incredibly cathartic.
I recommend the book I used for my class, which I suppose is technically a textbook, but doesn't read like one. It's called "A Primer In Positive Psychology," by Christopher Peterson.
Here are a few links to get you started, if you're interested.
Positive Psychology News -- News that makes you feel good when you read it.
Authentic Happiness -- This page is developed by Martin Seligman, a leader in the PP field. Look at the Questionnaires section, especially the Brief Strengths test.
UPenn's Positive Psychology Center -- UPenn has an awesome PP research center. Here's a list of readings they recommend.
TED's Csikszentmihaly on Flow -- The guy's name is pronounced "Chick-sent-me-hi," and he developed the concept of "flow," which is awesome. This is a video of him talking about it on TED.com.
Those are some basics to get you started. Please, even if you're skeptical, look into it. The most skeptical woman in my class -- the one who stated at the beginning of the semester that she thought this was all psycho-babble stupidity -- ended up starting a Positive Psychology group at my college afterward.
Hope this helps!
posted by hypotheticole at 6:10 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Happiness exercises help a lot. Don't laugh! I know it sounds cliche, but truly, if you throw yourself into them, they can be incredibly cathartic.
I recommend the book I used for my class, which I suppose is technically a textbook, but doesn't read like one. It's called "A Primer In Positive Psychology," by Christopher Peterson.
Here are a few links to get you started, if you're interested.
Positive Psychology News -- News that makes you feel good when you read it.
Authentic Happiness -- This page is developed by Martin Seligman, a leader in the PP field. Look at the Questionnaires section, especially the Brief Strengths test.
UPenn's Positive Psychology Center -- UPenn has an awesome PP research center. Here's a list of readings they recommend.
TED's Csikszentmihaly on Flow -- The guy's name is pronounced "Chick-sent-me-hi," and he developed the concept of "flow," which is awesome. This is a video of him talking about it on TED.com.
Those are some basics to get you started. Please, even if you're skeptical, look into it. The most skeptical woman in my class -- the one who stated at the beginning of the semester that she thought this was all psycho-babble stupidity -- ended up starting a Positive Psychology group at my college afterward.
Hope this helps!
posted by hypotheticole at 6:10 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
A therapist is someone who will help you sort all of this out. It can be a psychologist, social worker, psychiatrist. It sounds like you've been working on some of this but maybe haven't found the right fit in terms of the psychologist you are working with. You mentioned that you've been working on mindfulness and there are therapists (psychologists or otherwise) who specialize in working on exactly this.
I see a couple of possibilities for tackling this in terms of working with someone else. You could work with someone who will help to coach you to tackle these things one at a time. Their orientation would most likely be cognitive behavioral therapy. This focuses on identifying a particular problem and developing skills you can use to tackle it, whether it be by identifying behavioral patterns or self-defeating/anxiety provoking thoughts that get in your way.
You could work on a therapy that focuses on mindfulness. Check out books by Jon Kabat-Zinn to give you an idea what this is about. Or google mindfulness and psychotherapy. There is a ton of information out there.
You could also choose a therapist who focuses on relationships and how to build meaningful connections to others. Interpersonal therapy is one way that folks do this.
Everyone does feel lost at some point in their lives. There are lots of people who have felt exactly like you. Sometimes getting someone who can act as an objective guide is just the ticket for seeing your way out. It's not self-serving to ask for help when you need it. It's human. Things will get better.
posted by goggie at 6:12 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
I see a couple of possibilities for tackling this in terms of working with someone else. You could work with someone who will help to coach you to tackle these things one at a time. Their orientation would most likely be cognitive behavioral therapy. This focuses on identifying a particular problem and developing skills you can use to tackle it, whether it be by identifying behavioral patterns or self-defeating/anxiety provoking thoughts that get in your way.
You could work on a therapy that focuses on mindfulness. Check out books by Jon Kabat-Zinn to give you an idea what this is about. Or google mindfulness and psychotherapy. There is a ton of information out there.
You could also choose a therapist who focuses on relationships and how to build meaningful connections to others. Interpersonal therapy is one way that folks do this.
Everyone does feel lost at some point in their lives. There are lots of people who have felt exactly like you. Sometimes getting someone who can act as an objective guide is just the ticket for seeing your way out. It's not self-serving to ask for help when you need it. It's human. Things will get better.
posted by goggie at 6:12 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
"going into therapy just makes me feel like a self serving ass i guess, much like going to the psychologist. I am a healthy 25 yo guy who is sometimes happy."
There are no rewards in life for being macho about your mental health. Nobody but you cares that you're going to therapy, and it doesn't make you a self-serving ass unless it's all you talk about ever at dinner parties. And I think that stopped being a trendy way to be obnoxious at dinner parties in the 50s.
As a teacher of philosophy, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but you may need to take a break from philosophy books (being unhappy is your function in the world? That's crap) and read some books where things explode and plots are breezy and not totally logical but great fun. Go live in the now by reading something entertaining and possibly stupid, but ideally with a happy ending. Philosophy can be comforting, but it can also be deeply anxiety-inducing and it doesn't sound like, right now, it's doing you any favors.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:29 AM on May 17, 2011
There are no rewards in life for being macho about your mental health. Nobody but you cares that you're going to therapy, and it doesn't make you a self-serving ass unless it's all you talk about ever at dinner parties. And I think that stopped being a trendy way to be obnoxious at dinner parties in the 50s.
As a teacher of philosophy, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but you may need to take a break from philosophy books (being unhappy is your function in the world? That's crap) and read some books where things explode and plots are breezy and not totally logical but great fun. Go live in the now by reading something entertaining and possibly stupid, but ideally with a happy ending. Philosophy can be comforting, but it can also be deeply anxiety-inducing and it doesn't sound like, right now, it's doing you any favors.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:29 AM on May 17, 2011
Absolutely I can relate and SoulonLife is 100% right.
1. you keep saying boring admin job. What do you REALLY want to do? Try to persue it. I actually sat down one day and did a 'likes' 'dislikes' about my job and found out that I just hated being a copywriter. What I liked was more of an internet producer role. So, I shaped my job little by little, read up on technology and techniques, etc. went for more of a content manager position that had more of project manager/bunch of touch points on a project and more or less now I've created my internet producer job (unofficially). I love my career. Now if I could only work with sane people :)
2. Definately 100% move away. I moved on from a very dysfunctional home life (not saying yours is) and it forced me to join sports that I've always wanted to do; I did things I never would try before. Why? Because like Soul said, you get nowhere by sitting at home. People don't come to you. You go to them. And if it doesn't work out, try something else. I tried coed flag football--I found them too cliquish. I joined a women's hockey team--again, cliquish. Tried kickboxing--loved it (I went with a h.s. friend). Then joined a men's league/learn to play hockey and LOVED IT. It took a while but I found something I liked with the right mesh of people. I'm far from Miss Socialite and it's not that I'm picky about friends, it's hard to meet people with the same interests.
3. Therapy. If it's not for you, it's not going to work. But I think you do have depression. So try either the methods above and if that doesn't work, try something else--yoga, group meet up, maybe more natural herbs?
Anyway, you are far from alone with this. Right now I'm burned out by my job (place, not career), hate where I live (want to move to CA but can't due to parents being sick and all they have is me), I don't go out due to toddler duties. So yea, I'm burned out in life, stuck in a rut too. We all go through it even after much success and even touting out how to get out of it. ;)
Good luck.
posted by stormpooper at 6:40 AM on May 17, 2011
1. you keep saying boring admin job. What do you REALLY want to do? Try to persue it. I actually sat down one day and did a 'likes' 'dislikes' about my job and found out that I just hated being a copywriter. What I liked was more of an internet producer role. So, I shaped my job little by little, read up on technology and techniques, etc. went for more of a content manager position that had more of project manager/bunch of touch points on a project and more or less now I've created my internet producer job (unofficially). I love my career. Now if I could only work with sane people :)
2. Definately 100% move away. I moved on from a very dysfunctional home life (not saying yours is) and it forced me to join sports that I've always wanted to do; I did things I never would try before. Why? Because like Soul said, you get nowhere by sitting at home. People don't come to you. You go to them. And if it doesn't work out, try something else. I tried coed flag football--I found them too cliquish. I joined a women's hockey team--again, cliquish. Tried kickboxing--loved it (I went with a h.s. friend). Then joined a men's league/learn to play hockey and LOVED IT. It took a while but I found something I liked with the right mesh of people. I'm far from Miss Socialite and it's not that I'm picky about friends, it's hard to meet people with the same interests.
3. Therapy. If it's not for you, it's not going to work. But I think you do have depression. So try either the methods above and if that doesn't work, try something else--yoga, group meet up, maybe more natural herbs?
Anyway, you are far from alone with this. Right now I'm burned out by my job (place, not career), hate where I live (want to move to CA but can't due to parents being sick and all they have is me), I don't go out due to toddler duties. So yea, I'm burned out in life, stuck in a rut too. We all go through it even after much success and even touting out how to get out of it. ;)
Good luck.
posted by stormpooper at 6:40 AM on May 17, 2011
Looking at your last AskMe on a similar topic, this leaped out at me:
So I guess I'm writing this maybe for more of a cathartic experience and also seeking answers.
This isn't the way things work. You don't have some cathartic experience and then suddenly everything comes together and you start having your act together. Rather, you spend each day productively and several years later you look back and see that you've got things together because of all that work you did in the present.
I'll use as an example one of my retirement accounts. I'm allowed to put a relatively modest amount in each year, which works out to a rather small amount every month. Each month, I manage my budget to make sure that small amount makes it into the retirement account. It's not about "someday I'll manage my finances well enough so that I'll have $XXX to save." Rather, it's about just making sure, on the first of the month, I have that small $Y to put into my account. And sure enough, I've saved up a decent amount of money several years later.
Likewise, you don't have a "cathartic experience" where you suddenly have it all together that allows you to have a good job and buy your own house. Rather, you first start with moving out of your parents house into a place you can afford, and every month, you make sure you can pay the rent and enjoy your life there for one more month. And every day at work you do something that's necessary to help you do well at that job and hopefully get a better job. And if you go to college, you make sure to pass that class you need for your degree. And then doing these things, years down the road, you can say, "it was making those small decisions I made each day that got me what I have now." And that's when any catharsis might (might!) appear. If you keep waiting around for something to happen, you're just going to in the same position several years from now.
posted by deanc at 6:47 AM on May 17, 2011 [5 favorites]
So I guess I'm writing this maybe for more of a cathartic experience and also seeking answers.
This isn't the way things work. You don't have some cathartic experience and then suddenly everything comes together and you start having your act together. Rather, you spend each day productively and several years later you look back and see that you've got things together because of all that work you did in the present.
I'll use as an example one of my retirement accounts. I'm allowed to put a relatively modest amount in each year, which works out to a rather small amount every month. Each month, I manage my budget to make sure that small amount makes it into the retirement account. It's not about "someday I'll manage my finances well enough so that I'll have $XXX to save." Rather, it's about just making sure, on the first of the month, I have that small $Y to put into my account. And sure enough, I've saved up a decent amount of money several years later.
Likewise, you don't have a "cathartic experience" where you suddenly have it all together that allows you to have a good job and buy your own house. Rather, you first start with moving out of your parents house into a place you can afford, and every month, you make sure you can pay the rent and enjoy your life there for one more month. And every day at work you do something that's necessary to help you do well at that job and hopefully get a better job. And if you go to college, you make sure to pass that class you need for your degree. And then doing these things, years down the road, you can say, "it was making those small decisions I made each day that got me what I have now." And that's when any catharsis might (might!) appear. If you keep waiting around for something to happen, you're just going to in the same position several years from now.
posted by deanc at 6:47 AM on May 17, 2011 [5 favorites]
Here, listen to this true story (http://earideas.com/earideas/explore/show/91441/Dan+Kennedy%3A+And+How+Does+That+Make+You+Feel%3F) by Dan Kennedy and you'll see why getting therapy is a good idea. But when I or my friends have made this kind of change we've had a plan. So you want to get a better job, get a girlfriend get friends and move out. Okay, those are your goals. Now how to achieve them. Write down a specific list of actions to achieve each goal. For example, fir the girlfriend goal, I will go on x many Dating sites and go on x many dates per week. Friends: I will do x type of activities per week (hiking, volunteering) fir the new job, I'll take one or two classes at uni at night to start getting a degree in x field... You get the idea.
posted by bananafish at 6:55 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by bananafish at 6:55 AM on May 17, 2011
Response by poster: wow i love all u people telling it like it is! it's great and exactly what i need. now i just need to act!
i think my core issue is living at home, while i am saving cash on a full time wage (this isn't making me happy) i think moving out has to be my number 1 priority. i always thought maybe if i just keep saving i can use it all on something i really want. but right now all i really want is to get out of home! so i think i'll try that.
Like i said before posting this i had an interview for a house with some really nice people - and i really hope they take me on (but i worry this may be hard given I'm coming from my parents) but hey like someone said i have to have more self esteem and just at least try.
My relationship i think failed because I moved home with my parents and yes i do have a bit of a mother -child relationship going on at 25. which i hate. i actually realise i really detest the fact i am home with my parents at 25 and it's making me ashamed. So i have to get out of home.
I think moving cities in my state at the moment is not going to be conducive to a great experience. Would some of you agree with this from what I've said. I don't deal all that well with change so I just think maybe baby steps is the way to go at the moment.
I'm always chopping and changing what i want to do and need to pick something, just pick something and try and be happy with it.
Oh and by cathartic i just meant healing that sort of thing - not like i was gonna figure it out by writing.
i have filled so many pages of a book with my thoughts on everything - it's only when i start writing it down i realise just how boring and repetitive it really is.
i really hope i can find some nice housemates - i'm just not that prepared for rejection from people but i guess this is just life hey gotta try again.
anyway alot of you have said i sound pretty depressed which is a bit of a wake up call, people don't tell you that in person. so maybe i do need to do something about it, believe me i do make an effort to be happier but most of it revolves around solitary exercise like swimming and cycling alone.
i also need a holiday - i'm single and can do what i want and it's been 3 years since i have been overseas so it's about time i went somewhere. I know this is a luxury that not all people have with families and finances and what not.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:00 AM on May 17, 2011
i think my core issue is living at home, while i am saving cash on a full time wage (this isn't making me happy) i think moving out has to be my number 1 priority. i always thought maybe if i just keep saving i can use it all on something i really want. but right now all i really want is to get out of home! so i think i'll try that.
Like i said before posting this i had an interview for a house with some really nice people - and i really hope they take me on (but i worry this may be hard given I'm coming from my parents) but hey like someone said i have to have more self esteem and just at least try.
My relationship i think failed because I moved home with my parents and yes i do have a bit of a mother -child relationship going on at 25. which i hate. i actually realise i really detest the fact i am home with my parents at 25 and it's making me ashamed. So i have to get out of home.
I think moving cities in my state at the moment is not going to be conducive to a great experience. Would some of you agree with this from what I've said. I don't deal all that well with change so I just think maybe baby steps is the way to go at the moment.
I'm always chopping and changing what i want to do and need to pick something, just pick something and try and be happy with it.
Oh and by cathartic i just meant healing that sort of thing - not like i was gonna figure it out by writing.
i have filled so many pages of a book with my thoughts on everything - it's only when i start writing it down i realise just how boring and repetitive it really is.
i really hope i can find some nice housemates - i'm just not that prepared for rejection from people but i guess this is just life hey gotta try again.
anyway alot of you have said i sound pretty depressed which is a bit of a wake up call, people don't tell you that in person. so maybe i do need to do something about it, believe me i do make an effort to be happier but most of it revolves around solitary exercise like swimming and cycling alone.
i also need a holiday - i'm single and can do what i want and it's been 3 years since i have been overseas so it's about time i went somewhere. I know this is a luxury that not all people have with families and finances and what not.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:00 AM on May 17, 2011
Response by poster: oh and yeah i'm pretty lonely so if anyone would like to send me a pm feel free :) i need all the love i can get even if it is only internet love!
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:04 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:04 AM on May 17, 2011
What deanc and bananafish said. Muchos pocos hacen un mucho. It's an accumulation of tiny little good habits that build up your strength.
You say you want to be tested, and yet you didn't even go to the interview. You didn't have to take the job had they offered it to you. You only had to show up. There is absolutely no risk in interviewing for a job. The worst thing that can happen is total, abject humiliation, which I have personally experienced many times. And yet I'm still here.
Going to therapy instead of going to job interviews is not the way to build up your strength.
I'm going to be a voice of dissent here and say you do not have to move out right away. You do have to pick something that will test you, and follow through with it, even if you fail the test. My vote's for another job interview - any job interview, as long as you go to it.
Andrew Vachss said "Spectators don't win fights, and the one fighting technique I have never seen fail yet is to just keep getting up." He was referring to a different kind of struggle, of course, but it's still true.
posted by tel3path at 7:10 AM on May 17, 2011
You say you want to be tested, and yet you didn't even go to the interview. You didn't have to take the job had they offered it to you. You only had to show up. There is absolutely no risk in interviewing for a job. The worst thing that can happen is total, abject humiliation, which I have personally experienced many times. And yet I'm still here.
Going to therapy instead of going to job interviews is not the way to build up your strength.
I'm going to be a voice of dissent here and say you do not have to move out right away. You do have to pick something that will test you, and follow through with it, even if you fail the test. My vote's for another job interview - any job interview, as long as you go to it.
Andrew Vachss said "Spectators don't win fights, and the one fighting technique I have never seen fail yet is to just keep getting up." He was referring to a different kind of struggle, of course, but it's still true.
posted by tel3path at 7:10 AM on May 17, 2011
Alot of people previously said move out, and that they 'found themselves' by moving cities even countries.
This can work if it means fundamental changes in your life. It can also be the geographic cure (which applies just as much to depression as to drinking). Wherever you go, there you are.
i don't think it went great with me saying i like to keep to myself. ugh - what was i thinking who wants that.
I like that in roommates. Lots of other folks do to.
posted by Jahaza at 7:12 AM on May 17, 2011
This can work if it means fundamental changes in your life. It can also be the geographic cure (which applies just as much to depression as to drinking). Wherever you go, there you are.
i don't think it went great with me saying i like to keep to myself. ugh - what was i thinking who wants that.
I like that in roommates. Lots of other folks do to.
posted by Jahaza at 7:12 AM on May 17, 2011
If you are seeing a psychologist, you are already in therapy, unless you mean that you have been seeing a psychiatrist (psychiatrists typically prescribe meds). I would suggest telling your psychologist what you told us. If you've been seeing them for a year and it isn't helping, you could consider switching.
posted by quiet coyote at 7:13 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by quiet coyote at 7:13 AM on May 17, 2011
I notice that you've mentioned your age in both your initial post, and in almost every update. You also described that age as "the prime of your life." I think it might help you to re-examine the assumptions that you seem to have about your mid-twenties. You seem to have several of these, most of which are about what your life is "supposed" to look like right now, and the various ways in which it's falling short. But most of those assumptions are incorrect, as most assumptions tend to be. In particular, the idea that your mid-twenties are supposed to be the best years of your life, and there's something wrong with you for feeling lost, well if that's true then I'm doing it wrong, and so is everyone else I know. Mid-twenties are rough. It's utterly normal to feel lost then. You've heard of a quarter-life crisis, right? That lost feeling is so common at your age that there's a name for it.
So yes, absolutely it seems like your primary problem is depression, and you should be seeing a therapist for that. But one thing to address is the way you're driving yourself crazy comparing your life to an imaginary sense of what mid-twenties life is supposed to be like.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:15 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
So yes, absolutely it seems like your primary problem is depression, and you should be seeing a therapist for that. But one thing to address is the way you're driving yourself crazy comparing your life to an imaginary sense of what mid-twenties life is supposed to be like.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:15 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: ok now i feel like a loser for not going to a job interview. right now i don't know wtf i really want so i didn't see the point in going for a job if i'm not sure i want it in the first place or whether taking a day off my work to travel to another city i'm not sure i want to live in is worth it. i see your point - you won't know if you won't try. maybe your right but right now my head can't comprehend a great deal.
:(
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:17 AM on May 17, 2011
:(
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:17 AM on May 17, 2011
right now i don't know wtf i really want so i didn't see the point in going for a job if i'm not sure i want it in the first place or whether taking a day off my work to travel to another city i'm not sure i want to live in is worth it.
What else is so damn important that you are going to do if you don't do all that? Seriously, ask yourself what's so much more important than spending your free time looking for new jobs and socializing and talking to people about apartments you can move to?
posted by deanc at 7:26 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
What else is so damn important that you are going to do if you don't do all that? Seriously, ask yourself what's so much more important than spending your free time looking for new jobs and socializing and talking to people about apartments you can move to?
posted by deanc at 7:26 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
You had a potential job and pulled out of it after a restless night. I'm not a doctor or therapist, but I'd pin that as anxiety about change.
But also, you complain about your 'government job.' echoing other people - what do you want to do? At 25, you're just starting your life, so you can do whatever you want.
But, it's also a period where reality starts mashing with youthful bliss of the greatness of the world and all the opportunity. The majority of jobs are not going to change the world. Some may, but most people are a cog in the wheel of things. It's not a bad thing, and nothing to be depressed about.. just a fact of life. But, as long as you work to live, and not live to work, you'll be fine. (that is, unless your work is fantastic, life changing and drives your being, then living to work is fine.)
If you're going to stick with this career choice, though, one way to get more out of it socially and otherwise are to join some trade organizations. every industry has volunteer industry organizations where people go to conferences, work on working groups adressing issues, and try to solve the problems of their industry. It's actually been some of the most interesting work I've done, and has helped me grow professionally as well as kept me interested in an otherwise admin-heavy boring field.
It's also giving me an instant social group, where you have some common ground with people outside your normal local circle.
So, as Ragged Richard said, quarter-life crisis. Normal to feel depressed, lost, never going to make anything of yourself, stuck in a dead end job. You'll go through that again when you're my age, and probably again later on.
But, decide if you are cool with working in the job/industry you have in order to support your life, or if you want to do something different. If you want to do something different, you'll start ground floor, but at your age, at an interview for a completely new field, saying "I decided to make a life change" is completely acceptable.
If you stick with your current, make the most of it, and throw yourself into it. Looks for changes you can make within that sector (like the other city), and 'extra curricular' activities available.
posted by rich at 7:27 AM on May 17, 2011
But also, you complain about your 'government job.' echoing other people - what do you want to do? At 25, you're just starting your life, so you can do whatever you want.
But, it's also a period where reality starts mashing with youthful bliss of the greatness of the world and all the opportunity. The majority of jobs are not going to change the world. Some may, but most people are a cog in the wheel of things. It's not a bad thing, and nothing to be depressed about.. just a fact of life. But, as long as you work to live, and not live to work, you'll be fine. (that is, unless your work is fantastic, life changing and drives your being, then living to work is fine.)
If you're going to stick with this career choice, though, one way to get more out of it socially and otherwise are to join some trade organizations. every industry has volunteer industry organizations where people go to conferences, work on working groups adressing issues, and try to solve the problems of their industry. It's actually been some of the most interesting work I've done, and has helped me grow professionally as well as kept me interested in an otherwise admin-heavy boring field.
It's also giving me an instant social group, where you have some common ground with people outside your normal local circle.
So, as Ragged Richard said, quarter-life crisis. Normal to feel depressed, lost, never going to make anything of yourself, stuck in a dead end job. You'll go through that again when you're my age, and probably again later on.
But, decide if you are cool with working in the job/industry you have in order to support your life, or if you want to do something different. If you want to do something different, you'll start ground floor, but at your age, at an interview for a completely new field, saying "I decided to make a life change" is completely acceptable.
If you stick with your current, make the most of it, and throw yourself into it. Looks for changes you can make within that sector (like the other city), and 'extra curricular' activities available.
posted by rich at 7:27 AM on May 17, 2011
Response by poster: ragged richard this is also one of my great dilemmas. i see other people in their twenties out there having a blast, drinking, sex, partying you name it. and i never do that sort of thing (well maybe a little drinking) and feel like if i don't get all this stuff out of my system now I'll want to go through it in my 30's or 40's and it will be too late/i'll be the seedy 40 something guy
also alot of my mid twenties friends i know have long term partners.
this is going to sound lame but...
i really miss having someone beside me every night. going to bed alone really sucks.. having a partner just makes life so much easier. someone to share intimate stuff with etc etc and having someone to bounce of every day. i really miss my ex a lot. I've become a bit jaded by it all. so anyway i don't want to start this into a break up thread. i feel like i need to sort myself out first really. maybe my next post can be about the breakup :) when i was with her i felt like it didn't matter what i did, boring job or not, as long as i could come home to her. but now she's gone so i'm just left with the boring life and no one likes that.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:32 AM on May 17, 2011
also alot of my mid twenties friends i know have long term partners.
this is going to sound lame but...
i really miss having someone beside me every night. going to bed alone really sucks.. having a partner just makes life so much easier. someone to share intimate stuff with etc etc and having someone to bounce of every day. i really miss my ex a lot. I've become a bit jaded by it all. so anyway i don't want to start this into a break up thread. i feel like i need to sort myself out first really. maybe my next post can be about the breakup :) when i was with her i felt like it didn't matter what i did, boring job or not, as long as i could come home to her. but now she's gone so i'm just left with the boring life and no one likes that.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 7:32 AM on May 17, 2011
I had a sleepless night over it. So I took this as a sign I wasn't ready.
Every major decision I've made, good and bad, has resulted in some sleepless nights. Your brain isn't telling you it's a bad deal, your brain is telling you it's a big deal.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:33 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Every major decision I've made, good and bad, has resulted in some sleepless nights. Your brain isn't telling you it's a bad deal, your brain is telling you it's a big deal.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 7:33 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Cut yourself a little slack because you JUST had a break-up. I agree with everything everyone else is saying about pushing yourself forward despite feeling anxious and also considering therapy to help you change some of your patterns of thinking and relating, but also keep in mind that it's pretty normal to feel hopeless after a break-up. It will get better with time.
posted by zahava at 7:47 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by zahava at 7:47 AM on May 17, 2011
You know, I get really anxious about interviewing. OMG, what if they offer me the job & I don't want it? What if I get two job interviews & I want the second one more than the first? What if the first offers me a job before I hear from the second? And what about money??? Gah!
I reground by reminding myself that I WOULD =LOVE= to have that problem; because honestly, I will probably get no job offers. Which of course, sets off the next death spiral, at which point I have to remind myself that Interviewing Is Really Good Practice (which it is), and my brain objects & tells me I'm going to hate this job (which I might). And I tell it that if I hate it I can quit, or say I don't want it if they offer, Etc. Etc.
My point is, you can fight back. You're going to be anxious -most people are- but if you don't want the job, you don't have to take it. So give yourself an out, but drag yourself to the interview. If you've already let yourself off the hook for having to take the job, it may help you relax for the interview itself.
posted by Ys at 7:49 AM on May 17, 2011
I reground by reminding myself that I WOULD =LOVE= to have that problem; because honestly, I will probably get no job offers. Which of course, sets off the next death spiral, at which point I have to remind myself that Interviewing Is Really Good Practice (which it is), and my brain objects & tells me I'm going to hate this job (which I might). And I tell it that if I hate it I can quit, or say I don't want it if they offer, Etc. Etc.
My point is, you can fight back. You're going to be anxious -most people are- but if you don't want the job, you don't have to take it. So give yourself an out, but drag yourself to the interview. If you've already let yourself off the hook for having to take the job, it may help you relax for the interview itself.
posted by Ys at 7:49 AM on May 17, 2011
"sucks" "boring" "repetitive" "wasted" "loser" "jaded" "lame" "detest" "ashamed" - those are your words about your situation.
Honey, with every reply you chime in with, you kick yourself harder and downward.
You keep wanting us to agree with you that
- the personal cost of moving might not be worth it
- the strain of living with people you don't even live with yet might be too much
- the job you cancelled your interview for might not be the one you want
- going FOR A DAY to another city might be a wasted day
How can you know these things are true when you're at the bottom of the well looking up at a tiny slice of sky? None of these things lead directly, necessarily, to "a great experience." But you should be seeking experience - of any kind! It is sometimes in hindsight that they're great. While they're happening, they're just living.
posted by sestaaak at 8:05 AM on May 17, 2011
Honey, with every reply you chime in with, you kick yourself harder and downward.
You keep wanting us to agree with you that
- the personal cost of moving might not be worth it
- the strain of living with people you don't even live with yet might be too much
- the job you cancelled your interview for might not be the one you want
- going FOR A DAY to another city might be a wasted day
How can you know these things are true when you're at the bottom of the well looking up at a tiny slice of sky? None of these things lead directly, necessarily, to "a great experience." But you should be seeking experience - of any kind! It is sometimes in hindsight that they're great. While they're happening, they're just living.
posted by sestaaak at 8:05 AM on May 17, 2011
Hey, you need to stop insulting yourself. :) I wouldn't try anything new either if I told myself my efforts were a failure after the attempt. Exercise: every time you do something a little scary, give yourself lots of praise. Every day at the end of the day, find five things you did well.
posted by salvia at 8:23 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 8:23 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Every good thing that has changed my life for the better scared the shit out of me. Granted, I'm pretty easily frightened (yay anxiety issues!), but there you go.
Moving away from home is scary when that's all you're used to, but I think finding a situation housemates is a brilliant idea. I know this is hard and scary, but it's worth it. The trick is, make yourself do at least one scary thing a week (like taking a one-off weekend class on something that interests you; ask someone out; etc.). Good luck!
posted by smirkette at 9:01 AM on May 17, 2011
Moving away from home is scary when that's all you're used to, but I think finding a situation housemates is a brilliant idea. I know this is hard and scary, but it's worth it. The trick is, make yourself do at least one scary thing a week (like taking a one-off weekend class on something that interests you; ask someone out; etc.). Good luck!
posted by smirkette at 9:01 AM on May 17, 2011
So I suppose my question is can anyone relate to me here? And if so how have you found your 'way'.
Kinda. I didn't live at home, but I was stuck in a rut. So I moved 3000 miles away, with no job lined up. Got rid of 80% of my stuff and moved. Best thing I ever did for myself. How do you get over the standing-on-the-edge-of-the-cliff jitters and jump? You just do it.
Get yourself a kick ass "I'm moving!" soundtrack. Start here. I also like this. (And this and this and this.) Toss in whatever else, as long as it's upbeat and all about getting shit done. When you feel stuck, play this music loud. It won't fix your problems by itself (try therapy for that), but if you need some motivation and there's no one to hold your hand, you could do worse than some loud music.
posted by griselda at 9:11 AM on May 17, 2011
Kinda. I didn't live at home, but I was stuck in a rut. So I moved 3000 miles away, with no job lined up. Got rid of 80% of my stuff and moved. Best thing I ever did for myself. How do you get over the standing-on-the-edge-of-the-cliff jitters and jump? You just do it.
Get yourself a kick ass "I'm moving!" soundtrack. Start here. I also like this. (And this and this and this.) Toss in whatever else, as long as it's upbeat and all about getting shit done. When you feel stuck, play this music loud. It won't fix your problems by itself (try therapy for that), but if you need some motivation and there's no one to hold your hand, you could do worse than some loud music.
posted by griselda at 9:11 AM on May 17, 2011
I am quite a spiritual person and do meditate and do yoga, so I am able to connect with stillness sometimes.
Consider looking for a spiritual community, then. Get involved in yoga classes, or start going regularly to a meditation center or a church/temple/whatever where you may find like-minded people (potential friends) and perhaps a place to explore questions of "what's it all about." I don't discount the idea that perhaps you are depressed and perhaps, indeed, a therapist could be helpful, but it sounds to me like you are having a crisis of meaning. By no means am I suggesting that you eagerly look for someone to hand you "the answer" -- I do suggest though that you look deeply for that which really feeds your soul.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:47 AM on May 17, 2011
Consider looking for a spiritual community, then. Get involved in yoga classes, or start going regularly to a meditation center or a church/temple/whatever where you may find like-minded people (potential friends) and perhaps a place to explore questions of "what's it all about." I don't discount the idea that perhaps you are depressed and perhaps, indeed, a therapist could be helpful, but it sounds to me like you are having a crisis of meaning. By no means am I suggesting that you eagerly look for someone to hand you "the answer" -- I do suggest though that you look deeply for that which really feeds your soul.
posted by Wordwoman at 9:47 AM on May 17, 2011
It sounds to me like you're in a time in your life where you need to make decisions.
Don't even worry about making the best decision. Was skipping your interview the best decision? A good decision? A bad decision? Who knows. The point is, you made a decision and followed through.
Now you're making another decision, to move out. To do that, you'll need to keep making more decisions: which ad to answer, which place to take, etc. Just keep making them and following through.
One of the best ways to get more independent and more mature is just making decisions and living with them. It sounds like overall you've got decent values and a decent head on your shoulders, so don't worry about making the Big Wrong Move that will screw you over forever. You won't. You'll just make another decision later to do something new or different.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:29 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
Don't even worry about making the best decision. Was skipping your interview the best decision? A good decision? A bad decision? Who knows. The point is, you made a decision and followed through.
Now you're making another decision, to move out. To do that, you'll need to keep making more decisions: which ad to answer, which place to take, etc. Just keep making them and following through.
One of the best ways to get more independent and more mature is just making decisions and living with them. It sounds like overall you've got decent values and a decent head on your shoulders, so don't worry about making the Big Wrong Move that will screw you over forever. You won't. You'll just make another decision later to do something new or different.
posted by Salamandrous at 10:29 AM on May 17, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'd consider finding a new psychologist (but don't quit your first one until you find another one.) They aren't all created equal, and some are more helpful than others. Perhaps consider talking to him/her and your GP about an antidepressant.
You sound a lot like I did in my early-to-mid 20s -- general malaise, always looking for "the core" of my problem, suffocating loneliness, wanting to find some kind of solution. I ended up seeing one psychologist for a couple of years and starting Zoloft, then seeing another psychologist who I still see today, weekly, and eventually getting off Zoloft. Socially, I joined a couple of groups that would get me to see the same people every week, even if I didn't think I would ever make real friends that way. (I only made one real, lasting friend, but all the temporary, non-lasting acquaintances/near-friends were also nice to have.) Also, I started using online dating. Now, about ten years later, I'm married, have made another really good friend (so that's two, plus the wife!) and really all the socializing I need, what with the extroverted wife and her friends. Things aren't perfect, but they're a whole lot better.
So, to sum up, consider finding a new psychologist, consider an antidepressant, join some groups, try online dating. Good luck! :-)
posted by callmejay at 10:44 AM on May 17, 2011
You sound a lot like I did in my early-to-mid 20s -- general malaise, always looking for "the core" of my problem, suffocating loneliness, wanting to find some kind of solution. I ended up seeing one psychologist for a couple of years and starting Zoloft, then seeing another psychologist who I still see today, weekly, and eventually getting off Zoloft. Socially, I joined a couple of groups that would get me to see the same people every week, even if I didn't think I would ever make real friends that way. (I only made one real, lasting friend, but all the temporary, non-lasting acquaintances/near-friends were also nice to have.) Also, I started using online dating. Now, about ten years later, I'm married, have made another really good friend (so that's two, plus the wife!) and really all the socializing I need, what with the extroverted wife and her friends. Things aren't perfect, but they're a whole lot better.
So, to sum up, consider finding a new psychologist, consider an antidepressant, join some groups, try online dating. Good luck! :-)
posted by callmejay at 10:44 AM on May 17, 2011
I think you should look at things like interviews not just as opportunities (that you may or may not fit), but also as practice. You should practice interviewing, talking to all sorts of people, asking great questions, listening, and even just being relaxed around other people.
I also don't think finding a new partner is a great solution - you sound like you might place the task or weight of your happiness on them, and that is something really hard for someone to handle, it is like living for two people and extremely stressful. Your happiness should never be someone else responsibility, it is something you need to work on by yourself, and then when you are with someone it will be really wonderful for both of you.
This doesn't mean you can't go on many light dates with people and practice dating and communicating even if you don't feel fully ready for a serious relationship, just don't lead people on by telling them you are ready or by avoiding the topic. I think you should try online dating, and (safely) meet all sorts of interesting people, at worst you'll end up paying for a meal and/or movie, have a funny story to tell later, and learn how to better handle awkward situations.
posted by meepmeow at 10:46 AM on May 17, 2011
I also don't think finding a new partner is a great solution - you sound like you might place the task or weight of your happiness on them, and that is something really hard for someone to handle, it is like living for two people and extremely stressful. Your happiness should never be someone else responsibility, it is something you need to work on by yourself, and then when you are with someone it will be really wonderful for both of you.
This doesn't mean you can't go on many light dates with people and practice dating and communicating even if you don't feel fully ready for a serious relationship, just don't lead people on by telling them you are ready or by avoiding the topic. I think you should try online dating, and (safely) meet all sorts of interesting people, at worst you'll end up paying for a meal and/or movie, have a funny story to tell later, and learn how to better handle awkward situations.
posted by meepmeow at 10:46 AM on May 17, 2011
I'd like to suggest looking for a MeetUp group near you as a way to meet people. It might take a couple of tries before you find a group you like, but at least it gets you out and about, which is a huge thing when you're feeling down. The first group I went to wasn't a good fit--we met for coffee and the conversation turned all ugly and Glenn Beckish--but then I joined a hiking group and I'm really excited about it. That combination of getting out, talking to people, and exercise is the best antidepressant I've ever found (and I've tried a bunch).
Also consider joining the Metafilter group on Health Month. Very warm, supportive group there and it's a huge boost to set goals and meet them. It's got me exercising like crazy (though I'm not doing so well with the getting to bed on time goal) and my mood is SO much better. It's really helped me to move forward with looking for a new job.
If all you can make are tiny steps forward, make them and use them to propel you on to tougher things. You can do it!
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:14 AM on May 17, 2011
Also consider joining the Metafilter group on Health Month. Very warm, supportive group there and it's a huge boost to set goals and meet them. It's got me exercising like crazy (though I'm not doing so well with the getting to bed on time goal) and my mood is SO much better. It's really helped me to move forward with looking for a new job.
If all you can make are tiny steps forward, make them and use them to propel you on to tougher things. You can do it!
posted by WorkingMyWayHome at 11:14 AM on May 17, 2011
Lots of good advice here, but in my view the single most important thing you can do for yourself is to move out. A man of your age should not still be living with parents. It arrests personal development. You need to get a life - and I don't mean that in the usual snarky way - and you will not truly do that until you go out there and live independently. It doesn't have to be a life in another city, it just has to be your own, independent life. It will be hard at first but it will toughen you up and fill you out like you wouldn't believe. Rather like exercise.
posted by Decani at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2011
posted by Decani at 11:31 AM on May 17, 2011
I've thought about posting this several times today and after youre responses I've decided to post it - I see a lot of I statements from you - is there a person or cause outside yourself that interests you? Some time and effort focused on that might help. It works for me. Good luck and hugs to you, memail any time.
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:51 PM on May 17, 2011
posted by By The Grace of God at 1:51 PM on May 17, 2011
I have been seeing a psychologist for a year or so now which has helped. but a psychologist is alot different from a therapist right.
going into therapy just makes me feel like a self serving ass i guess, much like going to the psychologist. I am a healthy 25 yo guy who is sometimes happy. and have so much more than others can hope for in this world. but i've been born into a crazy and sometimes crappy world i think so i have to find out some way or another to deal with it...
Can you explain what you've been doing with the psychologist? And how you see that as different from therapy? (Or do you mean you've been seeing a psychiatrist, who prescribes medication?)
I think that good therapy, whether from a psychologist or other kind of counselor, could be helpful for you, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. It is a tool to help you feel happier and improve your life. It doesn't matter whether you're lucky, healthy, whatever-- you want to feel happier and have a better life, so look for tools and assistance to help you feel happier and have a better life.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 4:25 PM on May 17, 2011
going into therapy just makes me feel like a self serving ass i guess, much like going to the psychologist. I am a healthy 25 yo guy who is sometimes happy. and have so much more than others can hope for in this world. but i've been born into a crazy and sometimes crappy world i think so i have to find out some way or another to deal with it...
Can you explain what you've been doing with the psychologist? And how you see that as different from therapy? (Or do you mean you've been seeing a psychiatrist, who prescribes medication?)
I think that good therapy, whether from a psychologist or other kind of counselor, could be helpful for you, and you shouldn't feel bad about it. It is a tool to help you feel happier and improve your life. It doesn't matter whether you're lucky, healthy, whatever-- you want to feel happier and have a better life, so look for tools and assistance to help you feel happier and have a better life.
posted by EmilyClimbs at 4:25 PM on May 17, 2011
I just want to chime in here and say that you sound awesome. And I know you might not feel this way but you're still so young. You have your whole life ahead of you! And the good news is that it gets easier and easier as you go along! So, please stop being so hard on yourself, listen to the great advice that people are giving you here and do everything you can to show the rest of the world your awesomeness. We need more good and kind people like you.
posted by triggerfinger at 5:08 PM on May 17, 2011
posted by triggerfinger at 5:08 PM on May 17, 2011
Ugh, I totally feel you. I'm a bit older than you, but... I feel stuck, and lost, and sad a decent percent of time.
But, what I've found that helps is, twice a month, I pick something awesome to do by myself. Maybe it's trying out a new language, maybe it's taking an art class, maybe it's something physical, whatever. Or I try to pick something up that I used to do all the time. It has to be an activity, because just going somewhere and hanging out doesn't really have the same zip to me.
Before I go, I tell myself flat out, "Okay. I'm going to do Awesome Thing today. I don't have to go back, I never have to see these people again. I can even leave early, but I'm GOING, and I'll be there, and that's that."
The hard part is in the going. I basically have to build myself up to go all day, and sometimes I rope my platonic life-partner into helping support me into going. I'm sure that, if your relationship with your parents is healthy (which it sounds like, but I have no idea), you can even enlist your parents with helping get you out the door. Generally, though, once I'm there, I'm having a good time, and even if I don't meet someone I think is awesome, I have a good time doing the activity, and it's one more thing I can say I've done. And if I fall in love with it, YAY, new hobby!
The reason I do this, is because once I'm DOING, I actually feel better. Like, for the next hour and a half, I have a direction, whether it's "skate around the rink without hurting myself during Roller Derby," or "cross-stitching something obscene into this piece of fabric until I'm done," or "glazing this bowl."
But once I'm done, I feel accomplished. And once I rack up these little accomplishments, I feel comfortable going to try and make a bigger accomplishment. It's confidence-building, and it helps to widen your comfort zone.
So, instead of completely overhauling your life in two weeks or less, try some of the smaller ones. Ease into it a little. Give it a shot.
(PS? If someone I was interviewing as a potential roommate said, and meant, "I mostly keep to myself," I would have totally jumped all over you as a roommate and we'd have a signed lease in a fast hurry.)
posted by mornie_alantie at 9:14 PM on May 17, 2011
But, what I've found that helps is, twice a month, I pick something awesome to do by myself. Maybe it's trying out a new language, maybe it's taking an art class, maybe it's something physical, whatever. Or I try to pick something up that I used to do all the time. It has to be an activity, because just going somewhere and hanging out doesn't really have the same zip to me.
Before I go, I tell myself flat out, "Okay. I'm going to do Awesome Thing today. I don't have to go back, I never have to see these people again. I can even leave early, but I'm GOING, and I'll be there, and that's that."
The hard part is in the going. I basically have to build myself up to go all day, and sometimes I rope my platonic life-partner into helping support me into going. I'm sure that, if your relationship with your parents is healthy (which it sounds like, but I have no idea), you can even enlist your parents with helping get you out the door. Generally, though, once I'm there, I'm having a good time, and even if I don't meet someone I think is awesome, I have a good time doing the activity, and it's one more thing I can say I've done. And if I fall in love with it, YAY, new hobby!
The reason I do this, is because once I'm DOING, I actually feel better. Like, for the next hour and a half, I have a direction, whether it's "skate around the rink without hurting myself during Roller Derby," or "cross-stitching something obscene into this piece of fabric until I'm done," or "glazing this bowl."
But once I'm done, I feel accomplished. And once I rack up these little accomplishments, I feel comfortable going to try and make a bigger accomplishment. It's confidence-building, and it helps to widen your comfort zone.
So, instead of completely overhauling your life in two weeks or less, try some of the smaller ones. Ease into it a little. Give it a shot.
(PS? If someone I was interviewing as a potential roommate said, and meant, "I mostly keep to myself," I would have totally jumped all over you as a roommate and we'd have a signed lease in a fast hurry.)
posted by mornie_alantie at 9:14 PM on May 17, 2011
Response by poster: ok everybody in metafilter land.
I'm not sure whether anyone will see this reply but i'll post it anyway. alot of you said i should go for this interview anyway - hey it's practice. i called the company and asked them to reconsider and they said they would interview me!
so lastnight i got in my car and drove off and slept the night in a new city. and went to the interview this morning. it doesn't sound alot like a job i'm really interested in, but it would give me a foundation for moving up there
so i'm at a point where i have to ask myself is my situation that sh%t here that i will take any job somewhere else, and the answer to that is almost a yes. but part of me can hang on to crappy situations somehow, i seem to have a pretty good tolerance to suffering, which of course by no means is a good thing. i'm at home saving money and at this will give me a better footing when i do make whatever move i make. i think i would like to wait until a better job comes up somewhere but i don't want to be waiting for ever
it's amazing how a change of scenery makes you feel. today i was in a new city in different surroundings catching trains and exploring i guess a little. i realised that this makes me happy, exploring new places, but as far as living in them goes, well i haven't tried that yet. i'm not totally enamoured with this city - and i think maybe there might be better places to live. but going up there and interviewing has been a good experience and like people here have said it's good practice for life in general. tonight i am back at home with my parents and the old repetitive thought pattern (i'm a loser) has crept in again.
you know it came to the point a few years ago i was so sick of everything i booked a one way ticket overseas. i didn't connect with alot of people and spent alot of time travelling on my own. i really worry i am just one of those people destined to be alone, or whether there are people out there for me or not....whether my life will be a continuous cycle of fuc^ it moments i hate life interspersed with happiness and contentment here and there.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 2:04 AM on May 19, 2011
I'm not sure whether anyone will see this reply but i'll post it anyway. alot of you said i should go for this interview anyway - hey it's practice. i called the company and asked them to reconsider and they said they would interview me!
so lastnight i got in my car and drove off and slept the night in a new city. and went to the interview this morning. it doesn't sound alot like a job i'm really interested in, but it would give me a foundation for moving up there
so i'm at a point where i have to ask myself is my situation that sh%t here that i will take any job somewhere else, and the answer to that is almost a yes. but part of me can hang on to crappy situations somehow, i seem to have a pretty good tolerance to suffering, which of course by no means is a good thing. i'm at home saving money and at this will give me a better footing when i do make whatever move i make. i think i would like to wait until a better job comes up somewhere but i don't want to be waiting for ever
it's amazing how a change of scenery makes you feel. today i was in a new city in different surroundings catching trains and exploring i guess a little. i realised that this makes me happy, exploring new places, but as far as living in them goes, well i haven't tried that yet. i'm not totally enamoured with this city - and i think maybe there might be better places to live. but going up there and interviewing has been a good experience and like people here have said it's good practice for life in general. tonight i am back at home with my parents and the old repetitive thought pattern (i'm a loser) has crept in again.
you know it came to the point a few years ago i was so sick of everything i booked a one way ticket overseas. i didn't connect with alot of people and spent alot of time travelling on my own. i really worry i am just one of those people destined to be alone, or whether there are people out there for me or not....whether my life will be a continuous cycle of fuc^ it moments i hate life interspersed with happiness and contentment here and there.
posted by quiero ser feliz at 2:04 AM on May 19, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Also, what types of things do you do for other people? I often think that the quickest way to get/stay depressed is to focus only on myself. Whenever I feel sorry for myself, my mom always says, "When you are blue, find something to do, for somebody else who's sadder than you." It's a simple phrase, not a magical formula for changing your life, but for some reason it always works. Try it.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 4:52 AM on May 17, 2011 [4 favorites]