Thanks guys.

April 21, 2011 8:32 PM

Mom has a relapse of breast cancer. She's convinced I'm freaking out about nothing.

My mother had breast cancer over a decade ago, and was happily in remission until yesterday. The tumor is small and slow-growing and seems not to have spread; the plan is to remove it surgically and address follow-up treatment options once they know more. She (and the rest of my immediate family) seem to be dealing with it extremely calmly; her biggest concern is how quickly she can get back to training for her triathlon.

I'm at grad school all the way across the country, and only heard about all this last night, once the biopsy was confirmed. Despite being so far away, I'm really close to my parents, and this hit me hard. I'm scared and sad and have been crying a lot. She seems to be shocked at how I'm taking it, and really can't understand why I'm so upset. She thinks that everything will be fine and I'm blowing it way out of proportion, and need to calm myself down. Quote, "either figure out why this is scaring you so much, if there's some underlying issue, or maybe just grow up."

I'm really not sure how to deal with that reaction. I certainly don't want to add to her stress, but I can't help feeling that even if the logical part of my brain knows that things will likely be okay, this isn't an insane reaction to have. It's cancer. It's my mom. I don't know how much she might have her own suppressed fears that I'm dredging up; while she's usually the realistic, practical one who will tell it to me straight, she's an incredible warm, loving person, and the harshness of her reaction is out of character. Understandably. I think she went through a lot of the really awful scared emotional cancer thing the first time, and doesn't want or need to do it again. I was young the first time this happened, and maybe I never worked through it as an adult.

So what do I do? Am I being crazy? I do tend to be anxiety-prone and to catastrophize, and the thought of losing my parents is just about the only thing that can really mess me up. But the close friends I've told have seemed, if anything, more freaked out than I am. Should I try to minimize what I tell my mom about how I've been doing? I reacted by really wanting to fly home, but I'm not sure that there's much I can really do and I don't want to bring stress to the situation. If I'm actually being unreasonable, I want to know that - I can deal with irrational emotions, and let them take their course without necessarily acting on them or putting them on others. I just feel really far away and lonely and scared right now. Is there a good way to explain to her how I feel, or is it time to take one for the team? I've basically said all this to her already.

Anonymous because she's keeping it quiet.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

You are totally not being crazy. However, you are not being helpful to your mother. Right now, your mom is dealing with this by treating it as no big deal. That may or may not be irrational, but it's what she needs to do right now to get through what's probably a really scary situation. It's totally, totally fine for you to freak the fuck out, but you can't let her know that you're freaking out, because she needs you to go along with her story that this is no big deal. So find someone other than your mom to freak the fuck out to, and with her act as if it's no big deal.

This is going to be tough, but this time you're an adult, and you're going to have to deal with this like an adult. And that means realizing that your mom's needs come before your needs in this situation. That isn't to say that you shouldn't attend to your needs, because you should. But attend to them in a way that puts your mom's needs first.
posted by craichead at 8:38 PM on April 21, 2011 [16 favorites]

I think your mom answered your question already: "either figure out why this is scaring you so much, if there's some underlying issue, or maybe just grow up."

Now let's talk about subtext. Your question is all about you: how you are feeling, did you work out your feelings during the first bout of cancer, whether you should do a grand gesture of flying there, etc. You might want to take a step back, breathe, and think about what is best for your mom. She's basically already told you to get over yourself. And, yes, it "is time to take one for the team" (aka your mom): that's what she's hinting you need to do.
posted by sfkiddo at 8:43 PM on April 21, 2011 [7 favorites]

No, you're not crazy and she's not crazy either.

Cancer is scary stuff and I totally understand why you would be freaking out about it. On top of things is that you're not physically close to everything that is happening, so it's hard to get a better gauge of how people are really dealing with things.

For her, I think that this is not her first rodeo. She's dealt with and beaten cancer before. Perhaps it's one of two things (aside from the possibility that she's being falsely stoic outwardly while secretly freaking out inside): she has maybe been expecting this or it's not as much of a surprise as the first time and/or she realizes that freaking out about it is wasted energy that doesn't help her in the least.

You said in your note that she's realistic and practical...so her reaction to her own diagnosis sounds totally in character for her. While you don't have to apologize for how you feel, know that this is almost certainly amplified from being so far away.

I wish you and your family the best. My thoughts are with you and your mother.
posted by inturnaround at 8:48 PM on April 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

As someone whose Dad is currently being incredibly cavalier about his cancer, I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm finding that the calmer he is, the more I want to freak out about it.

It is perfectly normal. (Or if it isn't normal, you are not alone. And I'd like to think we're normal.)

What has been working for me (and my Mom, who is twice as freaked out as I am) is to freak out with people who are not my Dad. He doesn't need me to flip out, and he's set the tone for the conversations with him. That does not mean that I'm not really concerned about his upcoming surgery. I am. I just don't talk about that with him.

Be stoic with your Mom. Be freaked out with others. I'm finding that having moved through the freaking out over my Dad's mortality that it doesn't bother me as much as it did when I first found out he had cancer. You might calm down once you allow yourself the space to flip out.

Feel free to memail me if you need an internet soul to vent to.
posted by JustKeepSwimming at 8:55 PM on April 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

For some of us, having to deal with the emotions of others is harder than dealing with the issue the others are having emotions about. I know for me if I am dealing with something particularly harsh I am prone NOT to tell my mother because her reaction, while out of love for me, simply makes it harder for ME to deal.


Let your friends be your freakout sounding board and be calm with your mom. She doesn't need to be handling your emotions along with her cancer.


(I'm NOT saying your feelings are wrong, btw.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:57 PM on April 21, 2011 [3 favorites]

I don't know anything about her situation but she's telling you to GROW UP. That means she wants you to cry on your own time - of course you're scared and you want to cry to your mom but you don't get to do that when it's her life on the line. Cry to your friends, to a therapist, into your pillow... but she does not want to hear it from you. It's your job to be there for her.
posted by moxiedoll at 9:13 PM on April 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Maybe she needs you to be strong for her. Moms usually take care of their kids, and stay in that role even as the children grow into adults. But your mom just can't be put in the position of taking care of your feelings right now; this needs to be about her.

Also: I'm so very, very sorry, and of course you are upset and scared. Hugs.
posted by Knowyournuts at 9:20 PM on April 21, 2011

The role-reversal can be kind of jarring, yeah. As someone whose mom had cancer, I'm chiming in with the choir - you feel however you want, but on your own time. This is a time when you really need your mommy, I know (I really, really know), but you don't get to have that now. Keep in mind that "being strong" doesn't mean never expressing or talking about your feelings, and it doesn't mean ignoring them. But your mom is not the best person to help you through this right now - she's got a lot on her plate. I'm sorry you're going through this; I know how scary it is.
posted by rtha at 9:32 PM on April 21, 2011 [1 favorite]

What she is basically saying is - don't make your issues my issues because I have enough of them already.

You are entitled to feel how you feel; she is entitled to feel how she feels. She is saying that it would be helpful for her if you told someone else about your concerns and not her. This is what a counselor is for. With her, you support her how she needs to be supported - which is you not freaking out on her.
posted by mleigh at 11:53 PM on April 21, 2011 [2 favorites]

Speaking as someone going through her own cancer recurrence after seven years, I agree with everyone who is telling you to freak out on your own time and take your mom's lead when you are dealing with her. The most unhelpful thing for me is having to witness just how much my cancer FREAKS EVERYONE THE FUCK OUT OH MY GOD.

Look, it's totally ok and normal to be scared. But it is also totally ok and normal for your mom to be cavalier about it, especially with you. The hardest people to talk to about shit like cancer and perhaps one's very impending mortality is one's family. To maybe illustrate this for you, I'm having a bit of my own panic attack right now reading this and thinking about my parents and siblings having the same reaction you are having. I mean, I know they are feeling these things. But I don't want to think about it and I definitely don't want them expressing these feelings to me. So have these feelings, but unload them on your friends and a good therapist.

There is also something to be said for dealing with a recurrence, especially after a long remission. It's totally different from being diagnosed for the first time. You are used to being a patient, you have a better idea what to expect, and there is a lot of gritting your teeth and just getting through it. I mean, hell, you've done it once so you can do it again, right? Maybe it's magical thinking, but who cares. Maybe it's not. And if your mom wants to do some hand-wringing, she'll do it. She'll just do it on her own terms, in her own way.

And yeah, I agree with your mom. Figure out what is scaring you so much or grow up. Actually, I think the one leads to the other. Your mom might die and that is scary. But you know what is even scarier? Your mom knowing that she might die and that you might not be able to handle it. She wants to know that she raised a great kid who can handle the things that life throws at him/her, including the fact that the people you love get sick and the people you love die. She can't hold your hand through this and it would be unfair of you to expect that of her. If you can't deal with this, you are basically asking her to hold your hand during a time when maybe she needs her hand held.

The fact is, your mom isn't dying right now and she doesn't want you to start freaking out and grieving before she does. This is something you all have to go through. Sounds like the recurrence (possibly new primary?) was caught early and seems to be contained. That's a great position to be in. She feels positive about it, and you have to let her feel this way.

Practice your poker face. At least around your mom.
posted by Felicity Rilke at 12:28 AM on April 22, 2011 [8 favorites]

To be explicit, this is time to take one for the team.
posted by Felicity Rilke at 12:32 AM on April 22, 2011

Look at your circle of friends and identify some who are reasonably mature and talk to them. Talk to your school's counselling service. Talk to people who have had really scary stuff happen to them and are ok now. They'll let you freak out and cry and hopefully they'll help you find a way to move past the freaking out so you can calm down a bit and support your mother. By finding yourself support that isn't your mother and by learning to deal with this without her holding your hand you are demonstrating that you'll be ok no matter what. And that will allow her to focus fully on getting better and not worry about how you will cope if she doesn't. Good luck to you all.
posted by koahiatamadl at 3:39 AM on April 22, 2011

Like Felicity Rilke and your mom, I've just been dx'd with a recurrence (10 years clean). My daughter is away at school too, and has been planning a semester abroad -- in a month. When she heard about the recurrence she freaked out too and took action to cancel her trip, something she's look forward too for a long time. We spent much time on the phone this week with her giving me all the hysterical reasons for coming home immediately, and she was adamant that she was not going, and honestly, by the end of the conversation I ended up saying, "You're going and that's the end of it. No more discussion." Like old-school putting my foot down. And that's what kind of woke her up.

You've gotten good advice here; I would just add that those of us on this road have probably all framed cancer as a chronic condition, and are trying very hard to think of recurrence (terrifying word) as a bad blip on a long, sometimes tough but mostly manageable journey.
posted by thinkpiece at 4:25 AM on April 22, 2011 [4 favorites]

Also: this is a pretty important step on the process to becoming an adult. This may be the first time you've had to think of your mom not as someone who takes care of you, but as someone with whom you have mutual, kind-of-equal obligations of care. For most people, that's a pretty traumatic step, but it's also an important milestone. So take a minute to honor that milestone and congratulate yourself on rising to the occasion. The thing about taking one for the team is that it means you're on the team, the team in this case being the grown-ups. So welcome to the team. Being an adult isn't always easy, but there are some pretty great things about it.
posted by craichead at 8:24 AM on April 22, 2011

There is so much good advice here, I won't waste time repeating it, but I encourage you to heed it. I jumped in to the thread to remind you that you just heard all this last night, so it's appropriate for you to feel freaked out, but that you mom has likely been thinking about it for a little while, from suspicion of a problem to doctor visit to biopsy to confirmation. Which may explain why she seems so calm. So take your time to freak out appropriately (you are young, so I suggest finding a therapist or support group of people who have gone through this - I speak from experience when I tell you that as much as they love you and support you, your friends are very very unlikely to be qualified or have the life experience to able to support you in the way that you need right now), catch your breath, and then resolve to be there for your mom, while taking the pressure off of her to be there for you right now.

Best of luck to both your mom and to you.
posted by vignettist at 10:06 AM on April 22, 2011 [1 favorite]