How to change my I'm not lovable belief system?!? Help me!!
April 7, 2011 8:55 AM Subscribe
How can I fix myself so I can attract and believe in a healthy relationship is out there for me? I have great friends, I'm well-liked, I have a great career and have made tons of progress working on myself over the last ten years to make sure I don't adopt the patterns of my family of origin. I want a relationship but I still keep falling into the pattern of "I'll never meet anyone for me" or thinking that I'm meant to be alone AND I WANT TO STOP THIS BS ALREADY! Help/ideas please!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (8 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a female in my late 20s. My family was extremely dysfunctional and physically violent and emotionally abusive and from a very young age although I could not describe what was wrong... I knew I wanted out and this was not what I wanted in a family... and I left the house as soon as possible. I learned how to draw boundaries with the family members (some I had to just plain cut out) and have a healthy distance between them and myself. Luckily, I also had some awesome friends and had (still have) a propensity for picking out good friends and I have a great "family of choice" ...I consider myself very fortunate. Due to family dysfunction and the resultant sexual abuse recollections/flashbacks in my early 20s (I was sexually abused by my father, whom I also believe assaulted my mother.... so I'm sure that affects my belief system), I went through several years of therapy and really worked hard on making sure I made myself healthy and not adopt the patterns from my family of origination. I'm now in my late 20s. I am considered pretty healthy and my former therapist thinks that I'm pretty healthy and doing well for myself. I haven't seen her for about 3 or 4 years now. She is no longer available for me to see anymore as she is out of the area.
I was always afraid of romantic relationships, and I am still but not as much as when I was younger. I hate to admit it, but yes, my extremely abusive father has scared me into thinking that all men on some level are like him. I have been fortunate to have several good guy friends who in no way are like him, and I have a several relationships, including a long-term one years ago that ended due to irreconcilible differences. So I think I'm getting better, but I still have these beliefs and I want to just stop it already:
1) I am meant to be alone
2) I will never have a family of my own
3) I'm not going to meet someone I will feel connected with and have a happy, healthy relationship
4) I think I believe deep down I'm unlovable
5) Since I don't find myself strongly attracted to a man very often... when I do and it doesn't work out, I think it hurts me a lot more than if I was more healthy and didn't have the beliefs #1-4 above.... and it makes me sad.
6) Sometimes I believe that guys don't really like me.... they just think they like me..... maybe I think they only care about sex. I know it's not true because I see the men close to me NOT acting like that so why do I still believe it?!?!
Although I tell myself logically these above are not true... I mean I have a great family of choice, friends who love me, and overall I think I like myself pretty well...... I still can't shake this relationships-aren't-going-to-happen-for-me monkey off my back.
I have read "How to be an Adult in Relationships" and found it useful but I can't seem to figure out how to get rid of my belief system above.
I hope that makes some sense. So my question is.... how do I get over this? Because I'm not getting any younger and I'd like to meet someone great and have a healthy, fun, loving and long relationship and settle down and feeling this way is pretty crummy.
Thanks for reading! Throwaway email: email@example.com