Self destruct in 3-2-1...
January 25, 2011 5:22 PM Subscribe
I am struggling so terribly has anyone coped with something similar and managed to right it?
I feel like I am self destructing - well actually I'm pretty sure I am self destructing. Not sure what I can do but would appreciate any input anyone has.
Background (which I think is relevant but may not be): Throughout my life I have always been the person who was idolized by my peers and favorited strongly by my family and relatives. My siblings never had any problem with this and give me so much love and support that it seems pathetic that I even have any problems at the current time. I have always breezed through everything in life with little to no effort. I obtained straight a's in highschool and college with little or no effort even while taking a semester and a half of load. In my smallish community my kids often remark how so and so said that their dad is the smartest individual they have ever met. I built a successful business employing many in our community and a couple years ago sold it. Before this sale I was struggling emotionally a lot but it really wasn't apparent to anyone. I really don't think even my wife understood it. It was a huge factor in my reason for selling but the economy, stress, etc. was also.
Immediately after the sale I did some consulting which required traveling/etc. I felt very good during this time (not sure why maybe just because it was change). I was gone quite a bit during this period (at least half time).
Fastforward a couple years. Over the last six months I have gained 60lbs (from six pack to 4 cases). I almost never leave the house largely because I am so embarrassed. I am basically doing absolutely nothing and have a huge amount of trouble motivating myself to do anything. I have talked with 4 psychologists/psychiatrists and tried 3 different anti-depressants to no avail. No one - except maybe my wife to some extent - quite understands how terrible a place I am in. I think my family would be in disbelief and my community as well.
I would never do something to hurt my kids but if it wasn't for them I can't imagine I'd continue in this place. They seem so happy (for the most part) and I don't want to ever do anything that affects that. But if I could somehow just close my eyes and disappear without affecting them I would do that in an instant.
I'm fairly certain that outside of my relationship (with wife and family) I'd be less troubled. I'm not sure why. I think I have problems communicating in spousal relationships and the stress of my failures really weigh on me.
Financially things are finally about to come to head. I made a lot of money over the years. And we have lived like I made a lot of money over the years. It is now coming to the point where we can no longer live like we have been. I need to do something more and bring in additional income to continue on but do not seem capable (despite the great ideas I have - always the egoist :)). Even my wife cannot seem to quite understand our financial situation when I explain it to her.
I am not spiritual and do not believe in god (unfortunately for me in many ways I believe). I've studied Buddhism and meditation (from a non-mystical believer standpoint) and feel I learned a lot but it hasn't translated into changes in my daily life.
I'm just not sure what to do. I sit here writing this with tears running down my face and it seems so pathetic. There are so many people who are so worst off but....
I have always been a lurker in the metafilter community, contributing little but taking in a lot. I just want to say to all you contributors that I think that as a collective so many of you have so much wisdom and have helped so many people including myself. I thank you tremendously for that.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for quite frankly in terms of advice. I have so many problems. I am so all or nothing which I think is one of my biggest problems. I keep thinking - I just want to go do whatever I want to. But quite frankly I can do that. I want to be more than what I am. I want to do more that what I do. I want to become a greater person than what I've become. Please tell me how to do this.
I feel like I am self destructing - well actually I'm pretty sure I am self destructing. Not sure what I can do but would appreciate any input anyone has.
Background (which I think is relevant but may not be): Throughout my life I have always been the person who was idolized by my peers and favorited strongly by my family and relatives. My siblings never had any problem with this and give me so much love and support that it seems pathetic that I even have any problems at the current time. I have always breezed through everything in life with little to no effort. I obtained straight a's in highschool and college with little or no effort even while taking a semester and a half of load. In my smallish community my kids often remark how so and so said that their dad is the smartest individual they have ever met. I built a successful business employing many in our community and a couple years ago sold it. Before this sale I was struggling emotionally a lot but it really wasn't apparent to anyone. I really don't think even my wife understood it. It was a huge factor in my reason for selling but the economy, stress, etc. was also.
Immediately after the sale I did some consulting which required traveling/etc. I felt very good during this time (not sure why maybe just because it was change). I was gone quite a bit during this period (at least half time).
Fastforward a couple years. Over the last six months I have gained 60lbs (from six pack to 4 cases). I almost never leave the house largely because I am so embarrassed. I am basically doing absolutely nothing and have a huge amount of trouble motivating myself to do anything. I have talked with 4 psychologists/psychiatrists and tried 3 different anti-depressants to no avail. No one - except maybe my wife to some extent - quite understands how terrible a place I am in. I think my family would be in disbelief and my community as well.
I would never do something to hurt my kids but if it wasn't for them I can't imagine I'd continue in this place. They seem so happy (for the most part) and I don't want to ever do anything that affects that. But if I could somehow just close my eyes and disappear without affecting them I would do that in an instant.
I'm fairly certain that outside of my relationship (with wife and family) I'd be less troubled. I'm not sure why. I think I have problems communicating in spousal relationships and the stress of my failures really weigh on me.
Financially things are finally about to come to head. I made a lot of money over the years. And we have lived like I made a lot of money over the years. It is now coming to the point where we can no longer live like we have been. I need to do something more and bring in additional income to continue on but do not seem capable (despite the great ideas I have - always the egoist :)). Even my wife cannot seem to quite understand our financial situation when I explain it to her.
I am not spiritual and do not believe in god (unfortunately for me in many ways I believe). I've studied Buddhism and meditation (from a non-mystical believer standpoint) and feel I learned a lot but it hasn't translated into changes in my daily life.
I'm just not sure what to do. I sit here writing this with tears running down my face and it seems so pathetic. There are so many people who are so worst off but....
I have always been a lurker in the metafilter community, contributing little but taking in a lot. I just want to say to all you contributors that I think that as a collective so many of you have so much wisdom and have helped so many people including myself. I thank you tremendously for that.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for quite frankly in terms of advice. I have so many problems. I am so all or nothing which I think is one of my biggest problems. I keep thinking - I just want to go do whatever I want to. But quite frankly I can do that. I want to be more than what I am. I want to do more that what I do. I want to become a greater person than what I've become. Please tell me how to do this.
You're using a lot of suicidal language. This is extremely alarming to me.
If you're in crisis, please - for your sake, for your family's sake - seek crisis help. Be it a crisis hotline, a friend, or a trusted therapist.
It sounds like you're in a difficult position (one which many people share), compounded by clinical depression. You mention having tried several antidepressants in the past, but you must know that there's always a lot of fiddling that must be done in order to get the dosage right.
You won't be able to find the resources to get yourself out of this hole until you can patch up the depression issue. My advice would be to go back to the therapist you liked the best, and really commit yourself to following the antidepressant regime. It can take a long time - months, even - to find the right mix. But once you do, your life will change. Literally.
As for specific advice on how to climb out of the hole, AskMe is an awesome resource for that. But it sounds like your financial situation is the least of your concerns at this point.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You can get through this, I promise. Just don't give up.
posted by ErikaB at 5:30 PM on January 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
If you're in crisis, please - for your sake, for your family's sake - seek crisis help. Be it a crisis hotline, a friend, or a trusted therapist.
It sounds like you're in a difficult position (one which many people share), compounded by clinical depression. You mention having tried several antidepressants in the past, but you must know that there's always a lot of fiddling that must be done in order to get the dosage right.
You won't be able to find the resources to get yourself out of this hole until you can patch up the depression issue. My advice would be to go back to the therapist you liked the best, and really commit yourself to following the antidepressant regime. It can take a long time - months, even - to find the right mix. But once you do, your life will change. Literally.
As for specific advice on how to climb out of the hole, AskMe is an awesome resource for that. But it sounds like your financial situation is the least of your concerns at this point.
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. You can get through this, I promise. Just don't give up.
posted by ErikaB at 5:30 PM on January 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
Are you suicidal? If you are, you need to let your wife know and have her help you get help.
Please look over what you have written and pull out what you feel like you can share with your wife and let her know. This is more than one person can handle. I know you say you feel like you can't, but the stakes are higher with other peoples' lives involved.
posted by TheBones at 5:32 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Please look over what you have written and pull out what you feel like you can share with your wife and let her know. This is more than one person can handle. I know you say you feel like you can't, but the stakes are higher with other peoples' lives involved.
posted by TheBones at 5:32 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Three anti-depressants in six months? That's only two months for each one, which for many of those drugs simply isn't enough time to get the dosage correct and get a consistent level in your brain for it to work. Please give medication another shot! There are a lot of drugs out there - try, try again.
Also, everything ErikaB said.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 5:34 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
Also, everything ErikaB said.
posted by LOLAttorney2009 at 5:34 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'm just not sure what to do. I sit here writing this with tears running down my face and it seems so pathetic.
You're not pathetic; you're struggling with something much bigger than yourself. I am really sorry that you're hurting so much. If it's any consolation to you, please realize that it is abundantly clear from just this brief post that you have made an enormous impact on the people around you.
Again, you are not pathetic. You are a good person, and you deserve to be happy.
I think you should be forthright with your wife about how you are feeling. She deserves to know. Then, I think you should consult as many doctors as you need to in order to feel better. Maybe it will take five psychiatrists, maybe it will take ten, but no person deserves to feel as terrible as you seem to right now. Imagine what you would tell a friend who found himself in this situation. You'd want him to seek as much help as he needed, yes?
Hang in there, and don't give up.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 5:35 PM on January 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
You're not pathetic; you're struggling with something much bigger than yourself. I am really sorry that you're hurting so much. If it's any consolation to you, please realize that it is abundantly clear from just this brief post that you have made an enormous impact on the people around you.
Again, you are not pathetic. You are a good person, and you deserve to be happy.
I think you should be forthright with your wife about how you are feeling. She deserves to know. Then, I think you should consult as many doctors as you need to in order to feel better. Maybe it will take five psychiatrists, maybe it will take ten, but no person deserves to feel as terrible as you seem to right now. Imagine what you would tell a friend who found himself in this situation. You'd want him to seek as much help as he needed, yes?
Hang in there, and don't give up.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 5:35 PM on January 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
I wonder whether your thyroid could be off kilter? IANAD but I have a vague idea that abnormal weight gain and depression can both result from hypothyroidism.
The advice above about sticking with an antidepression regimen is important. Those pills don't work overnight.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:38 PM on January 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
The advice above about sticking with an antidepression regimen is important. Those pills don't work overnight.
posted by fingersandtoes at 5:38 PM on January 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
If you are having thoughts of suicide you need to get help right now. Like, call 911 kind of help.
If that's not the case: you say you've been to psychologists and psychiatrists, and been on meds. Have you been in actual talk therapy? The kind where you go once a week and talk with someone for 50 minutes? It can take time and luck and perseverance to find the right person, but talk therapy and the right medication can make you feel better faster than either one alone.
You are not a bad person or a fraud. You sound like you are depressed and in pain, and that is treatable. It isn't easy, but you have done difficult things (created a successful business, raised a family), and you can do this.
posted by rtha at 5:39 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
If that's not the case: you say you've been to psychologists and psychiatrists, and been on meds. Have you been in actual talk therapy? The kind where you go once a week and talk with someone for 50 minutes? It can take time and luck and perseverance to find the right person, but talk therapy and the right medication can make you feel better faster than either one alone.
You are not a bad person or a fraud. You sound like you are depressed and in pain, and that is treatable. It isn't easy, but you have done difficult things (created a successful business, raised a family), and you can do this.
posted by rtha at 5:39 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
And I completely forgot to add this part: yes, I have been through this. Both my parents died and my partner broke up with me in an eight-month period. My world collapsed. Telling people I needed help was the first step out of hell.
posted by rtha at 5:42 PM on January 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by rtha at 5:42 PM on January 25, 2011 [6 favorites]
Check out mefi collected resources here.
One thing that might help, in addition to all of the great advice others are giving you, would be to start exercising for an hour every day, just take a long walk every morning.
And ask the moderator to post a throwaway email address so people can write to you.
posted by mareli at 5:43 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
One thing that might help, in addition to all of the great advice others are giving you, would be to start exercising for an hour every day, just take a long walk every morning.
And ask the moderator to post a throwaway email address so people can write to you.
posted by mareli at 5:43 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
If you do nothing else for yourself, you need to get a very thorough physical and be completely honest with your GP about your symptoms. Something's not right if you've gained that much weight in that short a period of time, and finding out what may provide clues to your depression as well.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:46 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 5:46 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm seconding you get to an internist and get some bloodwork done to see if there's an underlying medical condition that's causing this. If that's the case then nothing is really going to help except resolving that. If it turns out it's just your brain chemistry that's off balance, that can be treated too, just differently. Unfortunately depression is an insidious disease that survives by making you believe that you don't even have it and if you did it's impossible to fix. This is why it's so important to keep pushing until you find knowledgeable, trustworthy, empathetic folks who can help you out of it. It's hard but it's worth it.
posted by amethysts at 5:46 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by amethysts at 5:46 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
The striking thing I notice about this is that it's not clear what the problem is. I'm not saying you don't have a problem, but it's notable to me that in 11 paragraphs and with multiple references to "my failures", I still don't have a clear sense of what those failures are or what precisely went wrong. I think part of your problem, in fact, is that you yourself don't know what the problem is -- you look at this seemingly wonderful life, but are miserable, and you can't figure out why, and feel guilty for feeling this way.
First: don't feel guilty. You are not a bad or pathetic person for feeling miserable. It happens to a lot of people.
Second: I know you've seen several psychiatrists, but this sounds like depression. If you haven't found a medication and psychiatrist that works for you, it is still worth it to keep trying to find one that does.
Third: I think your first goal should be to try to figure out why you feel so bad. From the way you're writing, I have a sense that whenever you sit down to do that, you get derailed by a bunch of "shoulds" -- you have, objectively speaking, many aspects of a wonderful life, so you don't think you should feel so bad. And as a result you don't give yourself permission to feel the way you feel, and therefore don't follow that feeling to its root. Don't do this. Having "a wonderful life, objectively speaking" doesn't necessarily translate to having a wonderful life FOR YOU, nor should it. Don't feel guilty for feeling this way. Ignore the "shoulds" and follow your feelings to their root.
Fourth: This part is just a guess, but to start you on a possible path to figuring out what is going on, my sense is that it is your early success -- which you didn't have to strive for -- may be part of the problem. It did two things: (a) made it so that you could skate by as a young person without having to do a lot of the soul-searching that many young people have to do when their dreams and the expectations given to them by society or their family or whatever meet up with reality. You found it so easy to do what you were rewarded for doing that you just did it, without thinking much about whether it was actually what you wanted to do for yourself: indeed, I don't see much mention of yourself and what you wanted to do at all. Even when you talk about choices you made, they are mentioned in a curiously passive way, as if they just happened to you. Also as a result of your success, it (b) seems to me that you feel a great sense of obligation to your family and community that you live up to this "superman" image that you think they have of you. I know from personal experience that this can be incredibly demoralizing. For one thing, you know you're not superman, and you increasingly dread the day that they will find out your "terrible secret." More profoundly, it makes you feel isolated and alone, like nobody knows the "real" you -- and if you ever did show them that person, you fear that they wouldn't like it.
If either of these guesses is on target -- and they are only guesses, so I might be totally off track -- the solution to both is the same. Stop trying to be superman, or feeling like you need to be. People probably do realise that something is up with you and will be relieved and flattered for you to ask them for help or share the burden a little -- including your wife, your kids, even your friends in the community. Admit that you aren't sure what to do or what you want and ask for help. Stop berating yourself for your feelings and let yourself feel them, and then be open about them.
You do not have to be perfect all the time. It is not pathetic to feel sad. You are a good person and you can get past this.
posted by forza at 5:50 PM on January 25, 2011 [11 favorites]
First: don't feel guilty. You are not a bad or pathetic person for feeling miserable. It happens to a lot of people.
Second: I know you've seen several psychiatrists, but this sounds like depression. If you haven't found a medication and psychiatrist that works for you, it is still worth it to keep trying to find one that does.
Third: I think your first goal should be to try to figure out why you feel so bad. From the way you're writing, I have a sense that whenever you sit down to do that, you get derailed by a bunch of "shoulds" -- you have, objectively speaking, many aspects of a wonderful life, so you don't think you should feel so bad. And as a result you don't give yourself permission to feel the way you feel, and therefore don't follow that feeling to its root. Don't do this. Having "a wonderful life, objectively speaking" doesn't necessarily translate to having a wonderful life FOR YOU, nor should it. Don't feel guilty for feeling this way. Ignore the "shoulds" and follow your feelings to their root.
Fourth: This part is just a guess, but to start you on a possible path to figuring out what is going on, my sense is that it is your early success -- which you didn't have to strive for -- may be part of the problem. It did two things: (a) made it so that you could skate by as a young person without having to do a lot of the soul-searching that many young people have to do when their dreams and the expectations given to them by society or their family or whatever meet up with reality. You found it so easy to do what you were rewarded for doing that you just did it, without thinking much about whether it was actually what you wanted to do for yourself: indeed, I don't see much mention of yourself and what you wanted to do at all. Even when you talk about choices you made, they are mentioned in a curiously passive way, as if they just happened to you. Also as a result of your success, it (b) seems to me that you feel a great sense of obligation to your family and community that you live up to this "superman" image that you think they have of you. I know from personal experience that this can be incredibly demoralizing. For one thing, you know you're not superman, and you increasingly dread the day that they will find out your "terrible secret." More profoundly, it makes you feel isolated and alone, like nobody knows the "real" you -- and if you ever did show them that person, you fear that they wouldn't like it.
If either of these guesses is on target -- and they are only guesses, so I might be totally off track -- the solution to both is the same. Stop trying to be superman, or feeling like you need to be. People probably do realise that something is up with you and will be relieved and flattered for you to ask them for help or share the burden a little -- including your wife, your kids, even your friends in the community. Admit that you aren't sure what to do or what you want and ask for help. Stop berating yourself for your feelings and let yourself feel them, and then be open about them.
You do not have to be perfect all the time. It is not pathetic to feel sad. You are a good person and you can get past this.
posted by forza at 5:50 PM on January 25, 2011 [11 favorites]
As I mentioned in the Bill Zeller thread, I know all too well how soul-crushingly frustrating it can be to have to "keep trying" to get help with mental health issues. I know what it's like to be so overwhelmed, it's scary and humiliating and seems pointless. Every suggestion anyone makes sounds like an impossibility because you just can't just can't just can't. I know. But you're here and asking, which means it's not too late for you.
I do suggest that you see a doctor again, if you're still financially able to, just because it's true what others are saying about it taking some time for medication to get into your system, and maybe there are some tests that could be run -- your thyroid, hormone levels, I don't know. Be honest about your feelings of panic and depression, don't put on a tough show of being The Strong Guy you've always been -- if they don't know the extent of your despair, they won't be able to treat it.
You say your wife understands to some extent, so I'd say in addition to seeing a doctor -- not instead of, but in addition -- you ask your wife for her help during this time. She can encourage you, without nagging, to go for a walk, for example (exercise = good, even if it's just a stroll around the block), remind you that you're a good man, sit back and listen to whatever you might need to rant about. It's not too much to ask of your spouse. No, really, it's not!
Finally, email me at the address in my profile sometime, please. I am a fully licensed and bonded purveyor of Internet Hugs and I'd be pleased to have you as a customer.
posted by Gator at 5:54 PM on January 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
I do suggest that you see a doctor again, if you're still financially able to, just because it's true what others are saying about it taking some time for medication to get into your system, and maybe there are some tests that could be run -- your thyroid, hormone levels, I don't know. Be honest about your feelings of panic and depression, don't put on a tough show of being The Strong Guy you've always been -- if they don't know the extent of your despair, they won't be able to treat it.
You say your wife understands to some extent, so I'd say in addition to seeing a doctor -- not instead of, but in addition -- you ask your wife for her help during this time. She can encourage you, without nagging, to go for a walk, for example (exercise = good, even if it's just a stroll around the block), remind you that you're a good man, sit back and listen to whatever you might need to rant about. It's not too much to ask of your spouse. No, really, it's not!
Finally, email me at the address in my profile sometime, please. I am a fully licensed and bonded purveyor of Internet Hugs and I'd be pleased to have you as a customer.
posted by Gator at 5:54 PM on January 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Please, please do go to a GP and get screened. Don't give up on meds, either. Depending on what the issue is you may have to try many to get one that works.
Also, it is entirely possible that this is a spiritual crisis, but even those are best settled when one can get reasonably stable.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:07 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Also, it is entirely possible that this is a spiritual crisis, but even those are best settled when one can get reasonably stable.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:07 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Oh, and please don't let pride or fear of what the "community" will think affect your reaching out for help and being honest.
I can send you a link to a news story of about a year and a half ago if you like. Someone well off, well liked in the community, a "name" if you will. He snapped. I will spare you the details but it was a tragedy not only for him but for his entire family. Just before, his friends were trying to help him but were trying to keep things "covered up." It's possible their wellmeaning efforts kept him from the real and immediate help he so desperately needed.
You don't owe ANYBODY the effort it would take to pretend all is well or to be the "golden boy." Flush that crap. It's toxic. And besides that, just maybe your example would be all it would take for others in your position to have the courage to do what it took to be helped as well.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:19 PM on January 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
I can send you a link to a news story of about a year and a half ago if you like. Someone well off, well liked in the community, a "name" if you will. He snapped. I will spare you the details but it was a tragedy not only for him but for his entire family. Just before, his friends were trying to help him but were trying to keep things "covered up." It's possible their wellmeaning efforts kept him from the real and immediate help he so desperately needed.
You don't owe ANYBODY the effort it would take to pretend all is well or to be the "golden boy." Flush that crap. It's toxic. And besides that, just maybe your example would be all it would take for others in your position to have the courage to do what it took to be helped as well.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:19 PM on January 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
All amazingly good advice above. Show someone, your wife or your doctor what you wrote. It can take time to figure out what works - please give yourself that.
Two things I learned at the lowest point in my life: Nothing much grows on a mountain top - it's the valleys that are fertile. And, sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can go back up.
posted by peagood at 6:25 PM on January 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
Two things I learned at the lowest point in my life: Nothing much grows on a mountain top - it's the valleys that are fertile. And, sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can go back up.
posted by peagood at 6:25 PM on January 25, 2011 [4 favorites]
Please do see your doctor. Your weight gain, as others have suggested, could be related to a thyroid issue. Get in to see your general physician as soon as you can to check on the hormonal stuff. Did you know that if you have thyroid issues, depression is much harder to treat, and vice versa? That could explain why the antidepressants have not worked for you. I know this because I take thyroid medication and antidepressants myself. And it is really important to remember that these medications take time to kick in.
And Time sounds like what you need right now. You used to travel, and now you are stuck in the house, and you are feeling smothered. It's no wonder you want to get away from your family--you want to get away from your life! That's very common when you are depressed, and often depressed people do impulsive things, like leave their spouse, only to regret it later. So try to slow down and take a deep breath.
It's hard, isn't it? Everything seems so chaotic and immediate. I know you feel overwhelmed about The Future. You feel like it is all weighing on you. Getting a bit of distance could help you gain a new perspective on your problems. Could you take a weekend or even just one overnight and go away, just for a change of scenery? Preferably somewhere with a little sunlight?
Which leads me to the finances. I know you are thinking, wow, should I add time away to my money problems? Wouldn't that be selfish? Not if it will help you to better face those problems down the line when they come to a head. Also, consider this: is it really that your wife doesn't understand your financial issues, or could your emotional state be making you exaggerate the severity of the problems in your own mind?
In other words, how bad is the budget going to get? Sell your house bad? Cut down on expenses bad? Part-time or full-time job for you or your wife bad? Is that the end of the world? No, it's just a roadblock. You haven't had many in your life, because you have been so successful, and that's a good thing. But that doesn't mean you can't deal with them when they come along.
But maybe it is even worse than that. Maybe you have mortgaged your house to the hilt and you have credit card debt and all the rest. Okay, if you really think finances will be a big problem, and soon, you need to lean on your family and friends for help right now. You speak of how you have sailed through life so far and they all used to look up to you. That's wonderful! But you're only human, and now you need some help. And that's okay. Life is NOT pass/fail. You don't have to be perfect!
And you know, that could be why your wife and family don't seem to get what is going on with you. Maybe they have become so used to your being perfect that it just hasn't really set in with them yet that you could ever need them to help you! But it will if you can calm down and really get down to specifics with them.
Let them help you figure out how to deal with this. If you need to cut down on expenses, you CAN do that together. If you need a loan, you can work on that. Maybe your loving, supportive siblings can help. Take small steps and leave the big steps until you feel like you can face them.
You are your own harshest judge. The people who care about you don't want you to be hurting. Please go easier on yourself and ask for the help you need!
posted by misha at 6:32 PM on January 25, 2011
And Time sounds like what you need right now. You used to travel, and now you are stuck in the house, and you are feeling smothered. It's no wonder you want to get away from your family--you want to get away from your life! That's very common when you are depressed, and often depressed people do impulsive things, like leave their spouse, only to regret it later. So try to slow down and take a deep breath.
It's hard, isn't it? Everything seems so chaotic and immediate. I know you feel overwhelmed about The Future. You feel like it is all weighing on you. Getting a bit of distance could help you gain a new perspective on your problems. Could you take a weekend or even just one overnight and go away, just for a change of scenery? Preferably somewhere with a little sunlight?
Which leads me to the finances. I know you are thinking, wow, should I add time away to my money problems? Wouldn't that be selfish? Not if it will help you to better face those problems down the line when they come to a head. Also, consider this: is it really that your wife doesn't understand your financial issues, or could your emotional state be making you exaggerate the severity of the problems in your own mind?
In other words, how bad is the budget going to get? Sell your house bad? Cut down on expenses bad? Part-time or full-time job for you or your wife bad? Is that the end of the world? No, it's just a roadblock. You haven't had many in your life, because you have been so successful, and that's a good thing. But that doesn't mean you can't deal with them when they come along.
But maybe it is even worse than that. Maybe you have mortgaged your house to the hilt and you have credit card debt and all the rest. Okay, if you really think finances will be a big problem, and soon, you need to lean on your family and friends for help right now. You speak of how you have sailed through life so far and they all used to look up to you. That's wonderful! But you're only human, and now you need some help. And that's okay. Life is NOT pass/fail. You don't have to be perfect!
And you know, that could be why your wife and family don't seem to get what is going on with you. Maybe they have become so used to your being perfect that it just hasn't really set in with them yet that you could ever need them to help you! But it will if you can calm down and really get down to specifics with them.
Let them help you figure out how to deal with this. If you need to cut down on expenses, you CAN do that together. If you need a loan, you can work on that. Maybe your loving, supportive siblings can help. Take small steps and leave the big steps until you feel like you can face them.
You are your own harshest judge. The people who care about you don't want you to be hurting. Please go easier on yourself and ask for the help you need!
posted by misha at 6:32 PM on January 25, 2011
There's already been a lot of great advice in this thread. First, I'd like to second a few things:
a) If you're feeling suicidal then get help immediately. Different places have different supports in place, but some possible first steps are the suicide hotline, a hospital, or your local police station. At the very least they can point you in the right direction. You implied in your post that your love for your children has kept you from acting on suicidal thoughts. That love can also be a motivation to act quickly on this.
b) Definitely check with your family doctor. When you do this, don't ask for help with your depression. Instead, let him or her know that you've already spoken with a psychiatrist about your depression and that you're interested in ruling out any medical basis for your depression. This may result in a referral to a neurologist, an internist, or both.
c) Make sure you get a good psychiatrist for your medication. Antidepressants aren't magic and one size doesn't fit all. Different medicines work on different timetables and some work better for some people than for others.
You definitely shouldn't be switching antidepressants every month or so! You may have heard of the warnings about antidepressants leading to increased risk of suicide. Most of those suicides happen very near the beginning of a course of the medicine due to the fact that they often lead to increased energy before an improvement in other symptoms of depression. Swapping in an out of meds before they've had a chance to take effect will only exacerbate that.
d) forza is absolutely right that you don't have to be perfect all the time, it is not pathetic to feel sad, you are a good person, and you can get past this. You've got a serious problem that deserves a respectful, serious response. And you can provide that response.
As far as additional advice goes:
a) If you can (and I understand that it may be very difficult) try to exercise regularly. Forcing yourself to remain active can be really helpful in fighting depression.
b) Also, try to develop and maintain an active routine. You said that since you sold your business a couple of years ago and then stopped consulting, you've been very inactive and unmotivated. Work hard to establish a routine in spite of that lack of motivation. Sign up for some classes, arrange to volunteer - basically, do something where the motivation comes from people counting on you or expecting your participation.
c) Read Feeling Good by David Burns and see a therapist who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
posted by Quizicalcoatl at 6:32 PM on January 25, 2011
a) If you're feeling suicidal then get help immediately. Different places have different supports in place, but some possible first steps are the suicide hotline, a hospital, or your local police station. At the very least they can point you in the right direction. You implied in your post that your love for your children has kept you from acting on suicidal thoughts. That love can also be a motivation to act quickly on this.
b) Definitely check with your family doctor. When you do this, don't ask for help with your depression. Instead, let him or her know that you've already spoken with a psychiatrist about your depression and that you're interested in ruling out any medical basis for your depression. This may result in a referral to a neurologist, an internist, or both.
c) Make sure you get a good psychiatrist for your medication. Antidepressants aren't magic and one size doesn't fit all. Different medicines work on different timetables and some work better for some people than for others.
You definitely shouldn't be switching antidepressants every month or so! You may have heard of the warnings about antidepressants leading to increased risk of suicide. Most of those suicides happen very near the beginning of a course of the medicine due to the fact that they often lead to increased energy before an improvement in other symptoms of depression. Swapping in an out of meds before they've had a chance to take effect will only exacerbate that.
d) forza is absolutely right that you don't have to be perfect all the time, it is not pathetic to feel sad, you are a good person, and you can get past this. You've got a serious problem that deserves a respectful, serious response. And you can provide that response.
As far as additional advice goes:
a) If you can (and I understand that it may be very difficult) try to exercise regularly. Forcing yourself to remain active can be really helpful in fighting depression.
b) Also, try to develop and maintain an active routine. You said that since you sold your business a couple of years ago and then stopped consulting, you've been very inactive and unmotivated. Work hard to establish a routine in spite of that lack of motivation. Sign up for some classes, arrange to volunteer - basically, do something where the motivation comes from people counting on you or expecting your participation.
c) Read Feeling Good by David Burns and see a therapist who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
posted by Quizicalcoatl at 6:32 PM on January 25, 2011
To answeryour first question, yes, I've been somewhere similar (still am to an extent).
There is a lot of good advice here, which I won't repeat, but for me what has helped the most is overcoming the stigma of having a problem at all. I've had some issues with depression most of my life but, until recently, had never discussed it with anyone - doctor, friends, no one.
Last year I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, having serious anxiety issues and really not coping. In that time of desperation I found myself talking to people about where I was at. Quite a range of people, not just the closest of close friends. It was initially terrifying, but I found it was the only way I could cope. And the most remarkable thing was the acceptance and help I received. The stigma I thought surrounded mental health was not there. It was incredibly liberating. I also found I wasn't alone.
In short, be open with those around you. You have no reason to feel guilty, you are ill, you don't feel guilty and hide it when you have a cold, this is just a different health problem. I don't mean shout it from your rooftop, but be open and honest, particularly with those you are close to.
You say you think your friends and family would be in disbelief if they knew the truth. Maybe, maybe not, but they'll get used to it soon enough and they are probably the source of the most care, love and support you are going to find.
Sorry for the stilted language - typed on a phone.
posted by deadwax at 6:42 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
There is a lot of good advice here, which I won't repeat, but for me what has helped the most is overcoming the stigma of having a problem at all. I've had some issues with depression most of my life but, until recently, had never discussed it with anyone - doctor, friends, no one.
Last year I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, having serious anxiety issues and really not coping. In that time of desperation I found myself talking to people about where I was at. Quite a range of people, not just the closest of close friends. It was initially terrifying, but I found it was the only way I could cope. And the most remarkable thing was the acceptance and help I received. The stigma I thought surrounded mental health was not there. It was incredibly liberating. I also found I wasn't alone.
In short, be open with those around you. You have no reason to feel guilty, you are ill, you don't feel guilty and hide it when you have a cold, this is just a different health problem. I don't mean shout it from your rooftop, but be open and honest, particularly with those you are close to.
You say you think your friends and family would be in disbelief if they knew the truth. Maybe, maybe not, but they'll get used to it soon enough and they are probably the source of the most care, love and support you are going to find.
Sorry for the stilted language - typed on a phone.
posted by deadwax at 6:42 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I also gained over 10 lbs a month for a few months on anti-depressants. Before the anti-depressants, I was normally about 120lbs to 130lbs and 5' 6".
Yes, gaining that much weight so quickly made everything worse emotionally.
If your doctors blame you for the weight gain, I'm writing to tell you to tell them to shove it.
I think you are the first person to write about this type of unrelenting weight gain since I joined metafilter last year. It's been difficult for me to explain to doctors, and after they give you that "look" every time you explain it and beg for help -- eventually you just stop.
Interestingly, I'm pregnant now and have FINALLY lost heaps of weight. I'm very healthy and so is the baby. I think pregnancy hormones probably helped straighten out whatever damage that fucking anti-depressant crap (poison?) did to me. I really truly hope you don't have to live with the weight gain like I did.
You should look into something that gets your total system back into balance - which will help your emotional well-being, too. I dunno. Maybe a good Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist could help you with this? I've had lots of success with that generally, although I didn't try it during the weight gain spurt a few years ago because I couldn't afford it back then.
Everyone else is going to write to you about depression, but I needed to reach out to you about the weight gain due to antidepressants. Think strongly about getting off them asap and instead starting a routine of exercise, mediation and therapy while you figure figure out your next move.
I tried prozac for a few months 16 years earlier with no terrible effects at that time. I believe the new anti-depressant formulations they're pushing today on folks are not made for everyone. I also switched prescriptions twice 4 years ago before gaining heaps of weight and quitting the meds altogether.
After the weight gain and quitting the meds, I changed the circumstances of my life (including family and life goals) to deal with the depression I was experiencing. I've since ended up married to a wonderful guy, I work less and love love love my job, I'm well compensated and feel financially secure, and I wouldn't trade what I have today for anything that I could have kept in my life if only the anti-depressants had made that possible.
------------
Most folks here are very pro the meds so extracts will probably get taken from this post and refuted as irresponsible or similar. I can't help that. I know what happened to me, I know how long I struggled with depression, and I know what finally helped me kick depression for good... and it wasn't meds.
-------------
The meds fucked me up, and so did just struggling along trying to fulfill all the "shoulds" you think are necessary in life year after year. I did better in every way by completely restructuring my life. I eventually jettisoned every dysfunctional dynamic, situation, and person from my life and slowly started over. Getting rid of the situations and people that didn't bring me happiness did more for me than any pill ever did.
YMMV. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 6:46 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
Yes, gaining that much weight so quickly made everything worse emotionally.
If your doctors blame you for the weight gain, I'm writing to tell you to tell them to shove it.
I think you are the first person to write about this type of unrelenting weight gain since I joined metafilter last year. It's been difficult for me to explain to doctors, and after they give you that "look" every time you explain it and beg for help -- eventually you just stop.
Interestingly, I'm pregnant now and have FINALLY lost heaps of weight. I'm very healthy and so is the baby. I think pregnancy hormones probably helped straighten out whatever damage that fucking anti-depressant crap (poison?) did to me. I really truly hope you don't have to live with the weight gain like I did.
You should look into something that gets your total system back into balance - which will help your emotional well-being, too. I dunno. Maybe a good Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist could help you with this? I've had lots of success with that generally, although I didn't try it during the weight gain spurt a few years ago because I couldn't afford it back then.
Everyone else is going to write to you about depression, but I needed to reach out to you about the weight gain due to antidepressants. Think strongly about getting off them asap and instead starting a routine of exercise, mediation and therapy while you figure figure out your next move.
I tried prozac for a few months 16 years earlier with no terrible effects at that time. I believe the new anti-depressant formulations they're pushing today on folks are not made for everyone. I also switched prescriptions twice 4 years ago before gaining heaps of weight and quitting the meds altogether.
After the weight gain and quitting the meds, I changed the circumstances of my life (including family and life goals) to deal with the depression I was experiencing. I've since ended up married to a wonderful guy, I work less and love love love my job, I'm well compensated and feel financially secure, and I wouldn't trade what I have today for anything that I could have kept in my life if only the anti-depressants had made that possible.
------------
Most folks here are very pro the meds so extracts will probably get taken from this post and refuted as irresponsible or similar. I can't help that. I know what happened to me, I know how long I struggled with depression, and I know what finally helped me kick depression for good... and it wasn't meds.
-------------
The meds fucked me up, and so did just struggling along trying to fulfill all the "shoulds" you think are necessary in life year after year. I did better in every way by completely restructuring my life. I eventually jettisoned every dysfunctional dynamic, situation, and person from my life and slowly started over. Getting rid of the situations and people that didn't bring me happiness did more for me than any pill ever did.
YMMV. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 6:46 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
I second what everyone else has been saying about medication taking a long time to adjust correctly. But I would also like to highlight this:
I'm fairly certain that outside of my relationship (with wife and family) I'd be less troubled. I'm not sure why.
Don't make any big decisions right now. Don't leave your family. One thing depression does to people is to make them want to run away. You may have decided against suicide (I really hope you have, and I second the other people who say that if you are toying with the idea, you need to call 911 or go to the emergency room). But that pressure to erase yourself can be expressed through erasing other aspects of your life: your marriage, your career, your friendships, and just by generally withdrawing. Don't let the depression do that to you. The more you withdraw from your family and friends, the less support you have.
posted by lollusc at 6:48 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
I'm fairly certain that outside of my relationship (with wife and family) I'd be less troubled. I'm not sure why.
Don't make any big decisions right now. Don't leave your family. One thing depression does to people is to make them want to run away. You may have decided against suicide (I really hope you have, and I second the other people who say that if you are toying with the idea, you need to call 911 or go to the emergency room). But that pressure to erase yourself can be expressed through erasing other aspects of your life: your marriage, your career, your friendships, and just by generally withdrawing. Don't let the depression do that to you. The more you withdraw from your family and friends, the less support you have.
posted by lollusc at 6:48 PM on January 25, 2011 [5 favorites]
Have you considered this might be as normal as something like a midlife crisis?
It's very hard to go from being the successful person, the go-getter, the guy who's always-headed-up to the person dealing with the aftermath of selling the business, gaining weight, not being sure what you want to or should do next. I mean take it easy on yourself; your life has seen some big changes, and you're dealing with getting older, diving back into work in an unstable economy, and so on.
I agree with others that you should be evaluated physically and mentally, and give anti-depressants more time. The main think I wanted to say, though, is that you're not alone. This is not to trivialize what you feel at all--but merely, maybe, to give you some comfort.
posted by torticat at 6:54 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
It's very hard to go from being the successful person, the go-getter, the guy who's always-headed-up to the person dealing with the aftermath of selling the business, gaining weight, not being sure what you want to or should do next. I mean take it easy on yourself; your life has seen some big changes, and you're dealing with getting older, diving back into work in an unstable economy, and so on.
I agree with others that you should be evaluated physically and mentally, and give anti-depressants more time. The main think I wanted to say, though, is that you're not alone. This is not to trivialize what you feel at all--but merely, maybe, to give you some comfort.
posted by torticat at 6:54 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
nthing everything above, especially that you *do* deserve help (hey, I think I'd enjoy talking to you and I don't even know who you are).
Also the "I" or "you" who creates metafilter posts is a combination of physical, emotional and mental (and spiritual) components. Sometimes we feel that stubborn determination (i.e., the mind alone) can overcome problems, but we may need to deal with new physical problems, learn new skills, work through letting go of attachments, and take a broader view.
Do you have a good friend whom you trust who has been through tough times themselves? They are more valuable than gold. But if you don't have one particular friend then please use all of your friends and family as one big support system. I really do beg you, please, please.
posted by forthright at 7:06 PM on January 25, 2011
Also the "I" or "you" who creates metafilter posts is a combination of physical, emotional and mental (and spiritual) components. Sometimes we feel that stubborn determination (i.e., the mind alone) can overcome problems, but we may need to deal with new physical problems, learn new skills, work through letting go of attachments, and take a broader view.
Do you have a good friend whom you trust who has been through tough times themselves? They are more valuable than gold. But if you don't have one particular friend then please use all of your friends and family as one big support system. I really do beg you, please, please.
posted by forthright at 7:06 PM on January 25, 2011
I have to chime in and say that it's really easy to gain 10 lbs per month for emotional reasons. People who don't have emotional eating problems don't understand those of us who need to own pants in 3 sizes at all times, but it sounds to me like the weight gain is purely due to the emotional/depression issues.
I applaud your proven willingness to seek help! It's VERY admirable that you've seen many psychiatrists and have tried many meds. Many depressed people take years before they can even get themselves to a therapist. (I speak from experience.) However, it does sound like you might want to give each therapist/med a bit more time.
That said, meds and therapy never worked for me and the only way I can stay on top of my life is to force myself into a good exercise/diet regimen. I go through phases where I can't get my running shoes on for months, and then a switch flips and I manage to get myself healthy enough to run a marathon. And when I'm in good physical health, good mental health follows. I can't tell you how I get that switch to flip; sometimes it's hitting rock bottom, sometimes it's getting a new job or meeting a new guy. You sound like you have so much going for you, but you also have extremely high expectations for yourself. Maybe you don't know who you are anymore since you sold the business? These are deeper questions and issues than I can get into. Maybe these are things you should be talking about with a therapist if you aren't already.
posted by iguanapolitico at 7:09 PM on January 25, 2011
I applaud your proven willingness to seek help! It's VERY admirable that you've seen many psychiatrists and have tried many meds. Many depressed people take years before they can even get themselves to a therapist. (I speak from experience.) However, it does sound like you might want to give each therapist/med a bit more time.
That said, meds and therapy never worked for me and the only way I can stay on top of my life is to force myself into a good exercise/diet regimen. I go through phases where I can't get my running shoes on for months, and then a switch flips and I manage to get myself healthy enough to run a marathon. And when I'm in good physical health, good mental health follows. I can't tell you how I get that switch to flip; sometimes it's hitting rock bottom, sometimes it's getting a new job or meeting a new guy. You sound like you have so much going for you, but you also have extremely high expectations for yourself. Maybe you don't know who you are anymore since you sold the business? These are deeper questions and issues than I can get into. Maybe these are things you should be talking about with a therapist if you aren't already.
posted by iguanapolitico at 7:09 PM on January 25, 2011
It's often exceedingly difficult for guys like you, who are admired and loved and leaned upon, to ask for and get help. Difficult for you to ask, and difficult for others to hear and understand. Sadly, sometimes people in your position wait so long to get help that they're reduced to a really awful state, or do something terrible and dramatic so that no one can miss the message.
Please don't do that.
Nthing the idea to get a physical - definitely rule out possible metabolic or other "internal medicine" type causes. Can you show this thread to your wife, or some other relative or friend, just so that they *get* how distressed you are?
Another alternative to consider is to get yourself to a hospital. You can explain to your GP or to docs at the emergency room or even to police that you're feeling suicidal and that you can't guarantee that you won't do something drastic. You are dramatically depressed at the moment, and you need serious medical/psychiatric attention to figure out what's going on and to attend to it. Being in a hospital can provide that kind of 24/7 coverage.
Good for you for letting us know how distressed you are. Please take some action so that you'll get the attention and care you desperately need.
posted by jasper411 at 7:32 PM on January 25, 2011
Please don't do that.
Nthing the idea to get a physical - definitely rule out possible metabolic or other "internal medicine" type causes. Can you show this thread to your wife, or some other relative or friend, just so that they *get* how distressed you are?
Another alternative to consider is to get yourself to a hospital. You can explain to your GP or to docs at the emergency room or even to police that you're feeling suicidal and that you can't guarantee that you won't do something drastic. You are dramatically depressed at the moment, and you need serious medical/psychiatric attention to figure out what's going on and to attend to it. Being in a hospital can provide that kind of 24/7 coverage.
Good for you for letting us know how distressed you are. Please take some action so that you'll get the attention and care you desperately need.
posted by jasper411 at 7:32 PM on January 25, 2011
Hello, while I'm sure jbenben is very well meaning, but please DO NOT go off your antidepressants without consulting with a psychiatrist. Merely not tapering them correctly can worsen things beyond your imagination.
(and Mefi users, I beg of you not to advise suicidal individuals to get off their meds. You are NOT psychiatrists).
But I do agree that the rate of weight gain suggests a physiological basis, and that you need to keep examining what it is. Were all of your meds, in fact, SSRIs? Any SNRIs? Wellbutrin? That is, did you try any that aren't weight positive?
posted by namesarehard at 8:11 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
(and Mefi users, I beg of you not to advise suicidal individuals to get off their meds. You are NOT psychiatrists).
But I do agree that the rate of weight gain suggests a physiological basis, and that you need to keep examining what it is. Were all of your meds, in fact, SSRIs? Any SNRIs? Wellbutrin? That is, did you try any that aren't weight positive?
posted by namesarehard at 8:11 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Jbenben, you're not alone. And in fact a friend of mine who works in big pharma was telling me just a few weeks ago about how one of their most popular anti depressants did sometimes have the effect of having people gain a lot of weight, quickly and undeniably. One gal in the trial gained 40 lbs over a period of just a few weeks.
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:27 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:27 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Stop beating yourself up over this. Most men go through some sort of mid-life crisis and it sounds like you're having a particularly bad one. Please take the advice the others have posted about seeking medical help and giving antidepressants a longer chance to take effect. And remember that many, many, many men before you have gone through similar periods of unhappiness, doubt, anxiety, and self-loathing and come out the other end of it as happy, successful, well-adjusted people. You can too as long as you take care of yourself, get the help you need, and don't do anything drastic while you're in this state. So hang in there, it will get better.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:34 PM on January 25, 2011
posted by Jacqueline at 8:34 PM on January 25, 2011
Also, this is a very helpful book: Get It Done While You're Depressed. It helps you assess what you're realistically capable of in your depressed condition, make the most effective use of the energy and capabilities that you do still have, and avoid letting everything fall apart while you work on getting better.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:40 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Jacqueline at 8:40 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mate, you're sick. It can, and does, happen to anybody, and it's so common you wouldn't believe it. Half the people you're worried about not understanding probably have a stash of Zoloft in their desks in case they forget their morning dose. You need to check into a hospital, and you'll probably need to be there for a few months. You should go as soon as you can.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:51 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by obiwanwasabi at 8:51 PM on January 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I'm going to answer your first question first.
I am struggling so terribly has anyone coped with something similar and managed to right it?
Yes. Yes. Yes. It can be done. It has been done, and you can do it. You've already taken so many good steps - and I know that each step feels like a failure because it wasn't The Solution (tm), but every single step (from picking out the doctors to calling them to going to the appointments, even posting here and asking for advice) is a step in the right direction and you will get there. It may take a little longer than you would like, but you'll make it. It's hard. I'm sorry.
I'm just not sure what to do. I sit here writing this with tears running down my face and it seems so pathetic. There are so many people who are so worst off but....
I hear you. Here's the thing I'd like you to realize, though: it doesn't matter that there are folks who are suffering more. That doesn't make your suffering any less real, valid, or worth attention and care. Comparing yourself to hypothetical (or real) people who have it worse than you is just another way to beat yourself up, to call yourself a failure. Here's something that I've learned, struggling with my own stuff: don't call yourself names. If you wouldn't say something to your dearest friend, don't say it to yourself. This is a challenge. That little voice that's filled with criticisms comes natural to a lot of folks (including me). You won't get it to pipe down in a day, or a week. There are tricks you can learn to make it quieter, and even better tools you can pick up to replace it all together with something more constructive. This takes time, and it's work, but it is really worth it.
I want to be more than what I am. I want to do more that what I do. I want to become a greater person than what I've become. Please tell me how to do this.
I can't. YOU can, though. Because you're the one who gets to define "more" and "greater". Step one to becoming the person you want to be is to spend a little time daydreaming about that person - what's he like? What does he like doing? What's he spend his time on? What's his life look like? It may feel a little self indulgent, and it may feel futile, but in order to go somewhere it helps to know what the destination looks like. Give yourself permission to daydream and fantasize. Figure out what you like, what you want, and maybe even why.
And by all means, take a lot of the other advice already offered here: go see your doctor. Share a little more with your friends, your spouse. Give talk therapy some time. Try to be active, even if only for a little bit each day. Hell, even a little bit each week. Try a basic yoga class, or commit to going for a walk around the block. Make it part of your routine. It will get better.
posted by lriG rorriM at 10:06 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am struggling so terribly has anyone coped with something similar and managed to right it?
Yes. Yes. Yes. It can be done. It has been done, and you can do it. You've already taken so many good steps - and I know that each step feels like a failure because it wasn't The Solution (tm), but every single step (from picking out the doctors to calling them to going to the appointments, even posting here and asking for advice) is a step in the right direction and you will get there. It may take a little longer than you would like, but you'll make it. It's hard. I'm sorry.
I'm just not sure what to do. I sit here writing this with tears running down my face and it seems so pathetic. There are so many people who are so worst off but....
I hear you. Here's the thing I'd like you to realize, though: it doesn't matter that there are folks who are suffering more. That doesn't make your suffering any less real, valid, or worth attention and care. Comparing yourself to hypothetical (or real) people who have it worse than you is just another way to beat yourself up, to call yourself a failure. Here's something that I've learned, struggling with my own stuff: don't call yourself names. If you wouldn't say something to your dearest friend, don't say it to yourself. This is a challenge. That little voice that's filled with criticisms comes natural to a lot of folks (including me). You won't get it to pipe down in a day, or a week. There are tricks you can learn to make it quieter, and even better tools you can pick up to replace it all together with something more constructive. This takes time, and it's work, but it is really worth it.
I want to be more than what I am. I want to do more that what I do. I want to become a greater person than what I've become. Please tell me how to do this.
I can't. YOU can, though. Because you're the one who gets to define "more" and "greater". Step one to becoming the person you want to be is to spend a little time daydreaming about that person - what's he like? What does he like doing? What's he spend his time on? What's his life look like? It may feel a little self indulgent, and it may feel futile, but in order to go somewhere it helps to know what the destination looks like. Give yourself permission to daydream and fantasize. Figure out what you like, what you want, and maybe even why.
And by all means, take a lot of the other advice already offered here: go see your doctor. Share a little more with your friends, your spouse. Give talk therapy some time. Try to be active, even if only for a little bit each day. Hell, even a little bit each week. Try a basic yoga class, or commit to going for a walk around the block. Make it part of your routine. It will get better.
posted by lriG rorriM at 10:06 PM on January 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
You might want to consider checking in to a hospital. The doctors will have an opportunity to monitor your medication and you will get a break and it sounds like you need a break from all the stress. I know how much you are suffering.
posted by bananafish at 10:19 PM on January 25, 2011
posted by bananafish at 10:19 PM on January 25, 2011
If you have any residual feeling of responsibility that you can muster against the black dog of despair to get yourself motivated, use it to do what will most protect your family and those that you have made commitments to protect and provide for: Look after yourself.
If you have any residual ambition or pride left against the self image of failure, use it to do what will most effectively lead to success, status and the admiration of others: Look after yourself.
If you have any residual curiosity about life, wistful goals that you are not entirely willing to turn your back on, pleasure in sensation or simple human need to breath, excrete and take nourishment, use it to get up again... and again... and again... and look after yourself.
Right now the one thing to focus on is taking care of yourself, protecting yourself and healing yourself. This is not unwarranted selfishness. This is not a lost cause. This is not too much trouble for what it is worth. Don't measure your success on results. Measure you success on how often you try to do these things.
You tried to get up from your chair and call your GP, but you couldn't bring yourself to get up? You tried to think of anything worth doing but couldn't? Conditions were not right. There is no shame in failure any more than there would be shame if the full weight of the fallen ceiling beams held you down. It was probably depression that held you down. Now try again. And again. And again. And at the end of the day whether or not there is measurable success you will have spent the day facing the right direction, aiming towards healing and happiness.
Failure is a brain chemical. For one person a few halting never repeated steps are the summit of accomplishment they hug for joy in their mind as they fall asleep. For another a single stumble in a gait that was otherwise uninterrupted smooth motion is the reproach and taunt and self-hatred that keeps them awake when they are desperate for sleep and makes them dread times when nothing keeps that memory at bay. The difference is that for the first person the chemicals that sizzle and surge in their brain and belly have linked the memory of taking one single step to good chemicals. The second person's neuro-chemicals have linked the memory of one step to hurtful chemicals. The actual act of clumsily putting one foot in front of another are identical. Was it success or failure?
Our feelings of shame and failure are often unrelated to the effort we put in, the intentions we had or the results of what we did. Often the things that make us feel the most shame are things that are utterly gone from other people's memories. You say something that sounds stupid to your ears; your listener was not even listening, was never aware that you failed to meet your own desire for competence; they never even made a judgment of you and the words you spoke. If you understand this it becomes possible to unlink the feeling of shame from the memory. Each time the memory triggers the feeling you can repeat to yourself an affirmation that this sensation of shame is not accurate or just. By deliberately thinking this thought you can in time disengage the memory from the feeling of failure.
People do their best. You did your best. To think otherwise is intolerance. A bad teacher who wants his students to perform perfectly will use shame to try and motivate the students. For one student the threat of shame and condemnation will change their priorities so they put in extra effort and perhaps turn in the quality of work the teacher demanded. But it damages the student. Learning goes from being a self directed hunger to an anxious fear of social consequences. Another student at a different stage of development can't produce perfect work of the standard the teacher demands. They end up by feeling shame for being who they are.
People feel shame for things completely out of their control. Did you one day conclude that you would stuff yourself past the point of comfort in order to grow thick rolls of fat on your belly and become physically repulsive? "Yeah, if I eat another two bags of potato chips I can add half an ounce of lard to my butt, and that will make the cashier at the grocery store recoil! Just wait until my bank manager sees the moobs I am gonna grow! They are all gonna be so sick! They won't know which way to look when I waddle out there...!" Somehow I don't think so. Ghrelin and leptin got out of balance and a signal you used to be able to rely on -the impulse to put food in your mouth, has led to a result that has left you perplexed, dismayed, disgusted and grieving.
Our feelings -shame, irritation, hunger, threat- are often only the result of physiological things. Hunger makes a two-year-old contrary. Difficulty breathing makes anyone irritable. A too warm environment makes a well-rested person feel sluggish and uninterested. Fever can make you hallucinate and fill you with terror. I say this to try to make you understand there is probably a huge separation between what you now feel and what you will feel when your body and brain heals and comes to a better equilibrium.
But at the same time anger and grief and self-pity and confusion are very real and appropriate responses to what is happening to you. Something bad is happening to you. You are going through bad times. The fact that life was easy before is no reason to feel the difficulty you face should be ignored by other people and that you have no right to complain. That just means that you may have less practice dealing with depression and difficult situations the same way that no one who has ever heard French spoken will perhaps have a harder time suddenly finding themself alone in France than someone who took a high school French course.
You say there are many people who are worse off, and this is probably true. But this is poor rationale for saying you don't deserve to get help or to win in the struggle you face. It's like saying that because someone diabetic gangrene had both feet amputated you will never buy your children winter boots or shoes or socks ever again. You deserve help. You matter. No, your family would not be better off without you. I can assure you of this with as much certainty of anything I believe in. You cannot even conceive of the damage it would do to them to lose you. It would go beyond their current generation. It would wound grandchildren you do not yet anticipate having. Losing you would be a daily ache for the rest of their lives, at first unbearable and disorienting, but later a chronic grey patina that would suffuse the children's transition to adulthood and beyond.
You are unique. You are worthy. You are faulty, flawed and vulnerable... and that makes you all the more worthy. It would be nice if you could be a towering pillar of strength and accomplished breadwinner for your family. It would also be nice if you were a comic book hero unfettered by gravity. You are something better than a towering pillar of strength and accomplished breadwinner. You are someone who has feelings, reverses, new ideas, makes mistakes, embarrasses yourself and other people. That means that the life you live is much more difficult -and interesting, than the life of a comic book hero. If you were invulnerable to gravity you would never learn to climb, to judge handholds, to know the fear of heights, to look up at people higher than you are and use their success to figure out ways to get higher. You would never be able to look down at people not as high up as you are and give them constructive encouragement and share your abilities and knowledge. Flawed is good. Handicapped is good. Vulnerable is good.
It sounds like hyperbole, maybe it's the wrong word, but what you are is absolutely precious. There is no other you, and nothing in this world more valuable than you. If you think your family would be better off with a billion dollars than you, you are wrong. A billion dollars cannot empathize with your children. A billion dollars does not know the daily intimacies of living with your wife, the things that make her feel secure and keep her sane. A billion dollars would also bring disadvantages to them. A billion dollars cannot adapt, cannot love, cannot sacrifice, cannot be selfish and teach your children the lesson that everyone has needs and everyone even fathers and husbands deserve and need their own turn to be helped and reassured and encouraged.
Somewhere inside you is a potential person you can be in ten or thirty years. If you find it hard to accept that the current you is anything but a failure and a burden your family could easily do without, then work on taking care of yourself for the person inside that you can become when the bad times are overcome. That other people have it worse than you does not mean that they deserve help more than you do; only that they deserve help as much as you do and perhaps that it may be more efficient to give it to them first.
Probably you have depression. Probably you will get better. If you have depression you will be at risk for recurrence -but that doesn't mean a whole lot since everybody is at risk for depression in the first place. Statistically you have an extremely high chance of feeling a great deal better a year from now. Depression is a serious illness, like cancer. It's not a sign that you don't deserve to get better. It is a sign of weakness. So is being vulnerable to gravity. All people are weak. Paradoxically working from the assumption you are weak and being okay with it and not trying to hide it is the way to be strong. If you hide your weakness you are not as strong as someone who starts figuring out how to deal with it without making the concealment a priority. There are a great many things yet you can try -on line support groups for depression? Web sites? Talking to a minister? Sitting down and writing a letter to your wife/GP that can express your difficulty in a way that will help them understand the depths of the problem? Have you tried cuddle therapy? Have you considered the possibility that your depression could be linked to a substance abuse problem? My point here is not to make suggestions you should try but rather to show that there are an enormous number of things you could look into that could potentially help.
TL:dr: Take this seriously. Make helping yourself through this your first priority. You are irreplaceable and valuable.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:53 PM on January 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
If you have any residual ambition or pride left against the self image of failure, use it to do what will most effectively lead to success, status and the admiration of others: Look after yourself.
If you have any residual curiosity about life, wistful goals that you are not entirely willing to turn your back on, pleasure in sensation or simple human need to breath, excrete and take nourishment, use it to get up again... and again... and again... and look after yourself.
Right now the one thing to focus on is taking care of yourself, protecting yourself and healing yourself. This is not unwarranted selfishness. This is not a lost cause. This is not too much trouble for what it is worth. Don't measure your success on results. Measure you success on how often you try to do these things.
You tried to get up from your chair and call your GP, but you couldn't bring yourself to get up? You tried to think of anything worth doing but couldn't? Conditions were not right. There is no shame in failure any more than there would be shame if the full weight of the fallen ceiling beams held you down. It was probably depression that held you down. Now try again. And again. And again. And at the end of the day whether or not there is measurable success you will have spent the day facing the right direction, aiming towards healing and happiness.
Failure is a brain chemical. For one person a few halting never repeated steps are the summit of accomplishment they hug for joy in their mind as they fall asleep. For another a single stumble in a gait that was otherwise uninterrupted smooth motion is the reproach and taunt and self-hatred that keeps them awake when they are desperate for sleep and makes them dread times when nothing keeps that memory at bay. The difference is that for the first person the chemicals that sizzle and surge in their brain and belly have linked the memory of taking one single step to good chemicals. The second person's neuro-chemicals have linked the memory of one step to hurtful chemicals. The actual act of clumsily putting one foot in front of another are identical. Was it success or failure?
Our feelings of shame and failure are often unrelated to the effort we put in, the intentions we had or the results of what we did. Often the things that make us feel the most shame are things that are utterly gone from other people's memories. You say something that sounds stupid to your ears; your listener was not even listening, was never aware that you failed to meet your own desire for competence; they never even made a judgment of you and the words you spoke. If you understand this it becomes possible to unlink the feeling of shame from the memory. Each time the memory triggers the feeling you can repeat to yourself an affirmation that this sensation of shame is not accurate or just. By deliberately thinking this thought you can in time disengage the memory from the feeling of failure.
People do their best. You did your best. To think otherwise is intolerance. A bad teacher who wants his students to perform perfectly will use shame to try and motivate the students. For one student the threat of shame and condemnation will change their priorities so they put in extra effort and perhaps turn in the quality of work the teacher demanded. But it damages the student. Learning goes from being a self directed hunger to an anxious fear of social consequences. Another student at a different stage of development can't produce perfect work of the standard the teacher demands. They end up by feeling shame for being who they are.
People feel shame for things completely out of their control. Did you one day conclude that you would stuff yourself past the point of comfort in order to grow thick rolls of fat on your belly and become physically repulsive? "Yeah, if I eat another two bags of potato chips I can add half an ounce of lard to my butt, and that will make the cashier at the grocery store recoil! Just wait until my bank manager sees the moobs I am gonna grow! They are all gonna be so sick! They won't know which way to look when I waddle out there...!" Somehow I don't think so. Ghrelin and leptin got out of balance and a signal you used to be able to rely on -the impulse to put food in your mouth, has led to a result that has left you perplexed, dismayed, disgusted and grieving.
Our feelings -shame, irritation, hunger, threat- are often only the result of physiological things. Hunger makes a two-year-old contrary. Difficulty breathing makes anyone irritable. A too warm environment makes a well-rested person feel sluggish and uninterested. Fever can make you hallucinate and fill you with terror. I say this to try to make you understand there is probably a huge separation between what you now feel and what you will feel when your body and brain heals and comes to a better equilibrium.
But at the same time anger and grief and self-pity and confusion are very real and appropriate responses to what is happening to you. Something bad is happening to you. You are going through bad times. The fact that life was easy before is no reason to feel the difficulty you face should be ignored by other people and that you have no right to complain. That just means that you may have less practice dealing with depression and difficult situations the same way that no one who has ever heard French spoken will perhaps have a harder time suddenly finding themself alone in France than someone who took a high school French course.
You say there are many people who are worse off, and this is probably true. But this is poor rationale for saying you don't deserve to get help or to win in the struggle you face. It's like saying that because someone diabetic gangrene had both feet amputated you will never buy your children winter boots or shoes or socks ever again. You deserve help. You matter. No, your family would not be better off without you. I can assure you of this with as much certainty of anything I believe in. You cannot even conceive of the damage it would do to them to lose you. It would go beyond their current generation. It would wound grandchildren you do not yet anticipate having. Losing you would be a daily ache for the rest of their lives, at first unbearable and disorienting, but later a chronic grey patina that would suffuse the children's transition to adulthood and beyond.
You are unique. You are worthy. You are faulty, flawed and vulnerable... and that makes you all the more worthy. It would be nice if you could be a towering pillar of strength and accomplished breadwinner for your family. It would also be nice if you were a comic book hero unfettered by gravity. You are something better than a towering pillar of strength and accomplished breadwinner. You are someone who has feelings, reverses, new ideas, makes mistakes, embarrasses yourself and other people. That means that the life you live is much more difficult -and interesting, than the life of a comic book hero. If you were invulnerable to gravity you would never learn to climb, to judge handholds, to know the fear of heights, to look up at people higher than you are and use their success to figure out ways to get higher. You would never be able to look down at people not as high up as you are and give them constructive encouragement and share your abilities and knowledge. Flawed is good. Handicapped is good. Vulnerable is good.
It sounds like hyperbole, maybe it's the wrong word, but what you are is absolutely precious. There is no other you, and nothing in this world more valuable than you. If you think your family would be better off with a billion dollars than you, you are wrong. A billion dollars cannot empathize with your children. A billion dollars does not know the daily intimacies of living with your wife, the things that make her feel secure and keep her sane. A billion dollars would also bring disadvantages to them. A billion dollars cannot adapt, cannot love, cannot sacrifice, cannot be selfish and teach your children the lesson that everyone has needs and everyone even fathers and husbands deserve and need their own turn to be helped and reassured and encouraged.
Somewhere inside you is a potential person you can be in ten or thirty years. If you find it hard to accept that the current you is anything but a failure and a burden your family could easily do without, then work on taking care of yourself for the person inside that you can become when the bad times are overcome. That other people have it worse than you does not mean that they deserve help more than you do; only that they deserve help as much as you do and perhaps that it may be more efficient to give it to them first.
Probably you have depression. Probably you will get better. If you have depression you will be at risk for recurrence -but that doesn't mean a whole lot since everybody is at risk for depression in the first place. Statistically you have an extremely high chance of feeling a great deal better a year from now. Depression is a serious illness, like cancer. It's not a sign that you don't deserve to get better. It is a sign of weakness. So is being vulnerable to gravity. All people are weak. Paradoxically working from the assumption you are weak and being okay with it and not trying to hide it is the way to be strong. If you hide your weakness you are not as strong as someone who starts figuring out how to deal with it without making the concealment a priority. There are a great many things yet you can try -on line support groups for depression? Web sites? Talking to a minister? Sitting down and writing a letter to your wife/GP that can express your difficulty in a way that will help them understand the depths of the problem? Have you tried cuddle therapy? Have you considered the possibility that your depression could be linked to a substance abuse problem? My point here is not to make suggestions you should try but rather to show that there are an enormous number of things you could look into that could potentially help.
TL:dr: Take this seriously. Make helping yourself through this your first priority. You are irreplaceable and valuable.
posted by Jane the Brown at 10:53 PM on January 25, 2011 [9 favorites]
I sit here writing this with tears running down my face and it seems so pathetic.
Sounds pretty reasonable under the circumstances- quite far from from pathetic. This world can be overwhelming, and anyone who doesn't find themselves with tears streaming down their face sometimes is missing some crucial human parts, IMO. You come across the sort of person that this world could use more of, so please get well and get back to it.
I can't improve on the advice that has been laid out by others above. I can only offer (supposing you've scrolled this far) that you might consider waking up early to watch the sunrise tomorrow. Seeing the dawn of a new day is a wonderful way to start a new chapter. On a cold night when the world seems to consist mainly of sharp corners, such simple cliches can feel like a warm hug. Be kind and patient with yourself.
posted by palacewalls at 11:07 PM on January 25, 2011
Sounds pretty reasonable under the circumstances- quite far from from pathetic. This world can be overwhelming, and anyone who doesn't find themselves with tears streaming down their face sometimes is missing some crucial human parts, IMO. You come across the sort of person that this world could use more of, so please get well and get back to it.
I can't improve on the advice that has been laid out by others above. I can only offer (supposing you've scrolled this far) that you might consider waking up early to watch the sunrise tomorrow. Seeing the dawn of a new day is a wonderful way to start a new chapter. On a cold night when the world seems to consist mainly of sharp corners, such simple cliches can feel like a warm hug. Be kind and patient with yourself.
posted by palacewalls at 11:07 PM on January 25, 2011
I thought I was suffering from depression, and finally got myself to a doctor. Oh, wait, I wasn't actually depressed, I have heart disease. Don't neglect that possibility.
posted by Goofyy at 5:44 AM on January 26, 2011
posted by Goofyy at 5:44 AM on January 26, 2011
I think Jane the Brown's reply ought to be sidebarred.
Please read it, anon, and reread it, and take it to heart.
posted by torticat at 6:48 AM on January 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Please read it, anon, and reread it, and take it to heart.
posted by torticat at 6:48 AM on January 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
It could be low testosterone too... see this article for some background.
Based on the experience of someone close to me, low T (as it is often called) can be debilitating in ways that are both unexpected and surprising. And fixing it resulted in changes that were physical, emotional, cognitive, and psychic. The low T condition was found after almost a decade of treatment for depression and dysthymia which included both pharmaceuticals and talk therapy; all without much success. Do some research to familiarize your self with how testosterone levels are measured (there are apparently several ways to measure) and talk to your GP. In the case that is am privy to his endocrinologist achieved more than psychologists and psychiatrists ever managed to.
posted by royboy at 10:30 AM on January 26, 2011
Based on the experience of someone close to me, low T (as it is often called) can be debilitating in ways that are both unexpected and surprising. And fixing it resulted in changes that were physical, emotional, cognitive, and psychic. The low T condition was found after almost a decade of treatment for depression and dysthymia which included both pharmaceuticals and talk therapy; all without much success. Do some research to familiarize your self with how testosterone levels are measured (there are apparently several ways to measure) and talk to your GP. In the case that is am privy to his endocrinologist achieved more than psychologists and psychiatrists ever managed to.
posted by royboy at 10:30 AM on January 26, 2011
Mod note: From the OP:
I truly appreciate everyone who has taken time to offer advice. It has been very helpful. Just to answer/clarify a few things:posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:58 AM on January 26, 2011
If anyone is interested in emailing me you can use rsv756@yahoo.com
@erikab,thebones: I am definitely not suicidal. I never think of taking my own life. But I really wouldn't care if I died in some more respectable way (i.e. one that wouldn't stigmatize my children/wife). I often think how I could be quite heroic at this stage in my life because I just don't care too much. But again I never think of doing anything to make that happen.
I am not currently on anti-depressants. I tried them and got off them because they really seemed to have no effect on me. I probably should have given them more time and maybe I'll try again. I had taken prozac a few years ago during a very stressful time in my business and I remember it just helping so tremendously. I enjoyed going out a lot with friends, and became quite a bit of a party animal (I'm using that word in it's mildest form possible). But my wife really didn't like me on prozac (I think it made her slightly insecure for some reason). Anyway after about six months I felt so much better that I stopped taking it. Just recently I tried prozac again (only for about a month - same dose). The effects were so different this time. I really didn't feel anything except a reduced sex drive - which I hated. So I finally stopped taking it.
In the area I am in I have to travel quite a distance to see a therapist and quite frankly have never gotten much out of talking to any of them and so in retrospect I don't feel it was worth the time or money.
@forza: Yes I agree with much of what you wrote. I am really not sure what my problem is. I think part of my problem is that I really don't enjoy a lot of things and don't think I really ever had even when I was young. When I was young though I always had dreams and goals (be the best at this, make lots of money, etc.). Now I really don't have those. My wife looks out the window and can just stare at the trees and birds and enjoy them. I look at them and think yeah so what. There isn't a lot in life that I find fascinating. I really don't think it's depression I just think that's how my brain works.
@halogen: I really don't think there is an underlying physical reason for the weight gain. It is pyschological. I definitely have some sort of food addiction. Some days I'll just sit and eat and eat. I've never counted calories but I'm sure there are days when I have eaten 8000 calories.
@st. alia of the bunnies: I understand your advice but I think so much of my self worth/satisfaction is based upon how others view me. I know it shouldn't be.
@misha: yes I think travel helped me tremendously. I've been thinking of trying to get away for awhile and think it's possible but I feel so miserable lately. My clothes don't fit (even the fat clothes I inherited from one of our large sons) so I just hate even getting dressed or walking around but I think I may try this.
@forthright: I really have lots of friends and they are all great. But I cannot think of one I would be comfortable talking with this about. It doesn't help that whenever I start to talk about it I just start balling.
Thanks again.
I really have lots of friends and they are all great. But I cannot think of one I would be comfortable talking with this about. It doesn't help that whenever I start to talk about it I just start balling.
That right there makes me want to cry. Either you have crappy friends-or this next is way more likely-you are too scared to let down your mask and be real with one.
Dude, I totally do understand why you are not comfortable but I am telling you that there can be no healing until you DO find someone you trust and let it all hang out. I know it's not easy finding the right person to do that with-and that last part is important-but you MUST.
And again, to Hades with worrying about what other people think. So many of this world's ills can be laid to THAT concept. Quality kind of folks will only want to help and the other kind aren't worth bothering about.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:08 AM on January 26, 2011
That right there makes me want to cry. Either you have crappy friends-or this next is way more likely-you are too scared to let down your mask and be real with one.
Dude, I totally do understand why you are not comfortable but I am telling you that there can be no healing until you DO find someone you trust and let it all hang out. I know it's not easy finding the right person to do that with-and that last part is important-but you MUST.
And again, to Hades with worrying about what other people think. So many of this world's ills can be laid to THAT concept. Quality kind of folks will only want to help and the other kind aren't worth bothering about.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:08 AM on January 26, 2011
Oh, and on a practical note-get your wife to pick up some cod liver oil capsules at a health food store. The vitamin D, etc will help your seratonin if nothing else. If you can get out into some sunlight or spend some time under a lightbox do that too. This may help you out just enough to enable you to put some other things into practice.
And one other thing. I know you said you don't believe in God but if you know a trustworthy clergyman they make really good sounding boards-and they keep your confidence as well. Worth a shot.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:12 AM on January 26, 2011
And one other thing. I know you said you don't believe in God but if you know a trustworthy clergyman they make really good sounding boards-and they keep your confidence as well. Worth a shot.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:12 AM on January 26, 2011
Okay, here's a throw away suggestion. Maybe you could think of something you could do that would bolster your ego.
There seems to be a gap between what you want to be and what your perceive yourself to be. Back when you could say you were employing people and providing support for the family and when you were confident that everyone thought you were intelligent enough to solve any problem in life, you were okay with that identity. From your history it sounds like that image of yourself was slipping before you went this deep into the despair.
One of the big problems with having the self-image of being intelligent is that when you run into situations where you can't look smart you're left feeling stupid. The easiest way to keep looking smart is to stop trying to do difficult things and let your self image rest on little historical victories, such as that A+ you got as an undergrad where the next highest mark in the class was a B-. But as such memories recede in time it becomes harder and harder to base your identity on them.
And the trouble with the self image of a success is that one failure can cancel out a lifetime of work. Perhaps one reason you sold your business was because it was a way of averting any possibility of a business failure. The economy tanked, you ended up under the enormous pressure that your business could tank too. The idea of disappointing all those employees, your family, all your business contacts and suppliers and clients and announcing you were bankrupt and all salaries and debts would be left unpaid... untenable.
It seems like right now part of what you've feeling the need for is affirmation from your community that you are a success. Is there something you can think of that you can do that will provide this affirmation to you? I'm thinking in terms of a new project. Going through old testimonials of how skillfully your developed your business, or how well you did in school and other nostalgia trips might give you a temporary lift but they will still carry the freight of the fact that you don't own your business now, and you aren't impressing teachers now. So my suggestion is to look for something you can do, paid or otherwise, that will reinforce your knowledge that you can be a wise businessman, you can be an intelligent high achiever.
Is there some kind of managerial hobby/volunteer work that you can do? I'm thinking of things like volunteer to be on the board of a local organization. I'm thinking part time stuff because this will allow you to try more than one thing or organization. Ideally you need a job that pays well so you can support yourself comfortably and get the ego-affirmation you need as competent and admirable, supplies enough challenge so you don't feel it doesn't count, but yet doesn't bury you under the crushing stress of a tanking economy or leave you being eaten alive by opportunistic dependents. However you can't wave a magic wand and find this job by Friday morning, and it is possibly you need to build up some confidence and self care routines first. A part time volunteer project will still allow you time to produce an income when the opportunities become available and if you put a time limit on your help you can bow out conscience free when it is done if it was not the right environment for you, or participate in the next project at the same place if it is the right place and people for you.
Yeah, volunteer to help someone more disadvantaged than you. That old suggestion. Sorry. But you DO have a heck of a lot you could contribute. It wouldn't hurt to be having dialogue with people who don't have the skills and abilities you have, so they would potentially look up at you as gifted. The fact is you are probably a lot MORE gifted than you were when you left school and when you started your old business because now you have a lot more experience! All those failures in your past? Think of all the things that you now know enough not to do again.
Do you have any contacts from your business career that you could use for the benefit of some charitable organization such as MindCare, the local animal shelter or a local arts group? It wouldn't hurt to be in a situation where you can prove that your efforts brought in enough donations to keep thirty more dogs alive, or found the stage crew volunteers necessary to get the sets assembled so the performance was possible, or enabled the trustees to move the endowment fund into an investment that would cover operating expenses...
And just a tiny side bonus... If you are somewhat agoraphobic often a lot of organization administration work can be done electronically. How comfortable are you with making phone calls? Sending out e-mails? Writing a helpful critique of someone's fund raising or management plan?
Well, like I said, my suggestion is just a (long-winded) throw away. You may not have the right kind of contacts or experience to wander into a non-profit and be the expert. But if you do it could be worth considering.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:57 PM on January 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
There seems to be a gap between what you want to be and what your perceive yourself to be. Back when you could say you were employing people and providing support for the family and when you were confident that everyone thought you were intelligent enough to solve any problem in life, you were okay with that identity. From your history it sounds like that image of yourself was slipping before you went this deep into the despair.
One of the big problems with having the self-image of being intelligent is that when you run into situations where you can't look smart you're left feeling stupid. The easiest way to keep looking smart is to stop trying to do difficult things and let your self image rest on little historical victories, such as that A+ you got as an undergrad where the next highest mark in the class was a B-. But as such memories recede in time it becomes harder and harder to base your identity on them.
And the trouble with the self image of a success is that one failure can cancel out a lifetime of work. Perhaps one reason you sold your business was because it was a way of averting any possibility of a business failure. The economy tanked, you ended up under the enormous pressure that your business could tank too. The idea of disappointing all those employees, your family, all your business contacts and suppliers and clients and announcing you were bankrupt and all salaries and debts would be left unpaid... untenable.
It seems like right now part of what you've feeling the need for is affirmation from your community that you are a success. Is there something you can think of that you can do that will provide this affirmation to you? I'm thinking in terms of a new project. Going through old testimonials of how skillfully your developed your business, or how well you did in school and other nostalgia trips might give you a temporary lift but they will still carry the freight of the fact that you don't own your business now, and you aren't impressing teachers now. So my suggestion is to look for something you can do, paid or otherwise, that will reinforce your knowledge that you can be a wise businessman, you can be an intelligent high achiever.
Is there some kind of managerial hobby/volunteer work that you can do? I'm thinking of things like volunteer to be on the board of a local organization. I'm thinking part time stuff because this will allow you to try more than one thing or organization. Ideally you need a job that pays well so you can support yourself comfortably and get the ego-affirmation you need as competent and admirable, supplies enough challenge so you don't feel it doesn't count, but yet doesn't bury you under the crushing stress of a tanking economy or leave you being eaten alive by opportunistic dependents. However you can't wave a magic wand and find this job by Friday morning, and it is possibly you need to build up some confidence and self care routines first. A part time volunteer project will still allow you time to produce an income when the opportunities become available and if you put a time limit on your help you can bow out conscience free when it is done if it was not the right environment for you, or participate in the next project at the same place if it is the right place and people for you.
Yeah, volunteer to help someone more disadvantaged than you. That old suggestion. Sorry. But you DO have a heck of a lot you could contribute. It wouldn't hurt to be having dialogue with people who don't have the skills and abilities you have, so they would potentially look up at you as gifted. The fact is you are probably a lot MORE gifted than you were when you left school and when you started your old business because now you have a lot more experience! All those failures in your past? Think of all the things that you now know enough not to do again.
Do you have any contacts from your business career that you could use for the benefit of some charitable organization such as MindCare, the local animal shelter or a local arts group? It wouldn't hurt to be in a situation where you can prove that your efforts brought in enough donations to keep thirty more dogs alive, or found the stage crew volunteers necessary to get the sets assembled so the performance was possible, or enabled the trustees to move the endowment fund into an investment that would cover operating expenses...
And just a tiny side bonus... If you are somewhat agoraphobic often a lot of organization administration work can be done electronically. How comfortable are you with making phone calls? Sending out e-mails? Writing a helpful critique of someone's fund raising or management plan?
Well, like I said, my suggestion is just a (long-winded) throw away. You may not have the right kind of contacts or experience to wander into a non-profit and be the expert. But if you do it could be worth considering.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:57 PM on January 26, 2011 [1 favorite]
Nutrition. Sleep hygiene. Aerobic exercise, not for weight-loss but for stress-loss. Light during the day. Do not be ashamed to claim the space and time you need to take better care of yourself. Pushing back against cognitive distortions, whether by the Feeling Good book or meditation or whatever. Giving meds a good long trial and recognizing that you may not be able to stop them just because you feel OK when you're on them. Scaling back your lifestyle to what your income can provide. Finding someone you can voluntarily give your time and efforts to, because even for us introverts human beings are the way to feel good. Remembering that you're doing what you can with what you've got. Not worrying too much if you don't spring up and make all of these changes all at once, or even at the speed you could have made them at when you were feeling better.
One of my church leaders was the founder of a successful jazz band. He remarked that it's impossible to improvise a good solo if your mind is on the clam you played three bars ago. You've got to have your attention on where you are and especially where you're going. So it is with the goals you will set toward feeling better. They are very important when you are in a position to meet them. Once that moment passes, whether you have met them or not, they stop being important, except for the strength or just the awareness that you gained from them. So pick your note, hit it hard, and wish it well.
posted by eritain at 8:04 PM on January 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
One of my church leaders was the founder of a successful jazz band. He remarked that it's impossible to improvise a good solo if your mind is on the clam you played three bars ago. You've got to have your attention on where you are and especially where you're going. So it is with the goals you will set toward feeling better. They are very important when you are in a position to meet them. Once that moment passes, whether you have met them or not, they stop being important, except for the strength or just the awareness that you gained from them. So pick your note, hit it hard, and wish it well.
posted by eritain at 8:04 PM on January 26, 2011 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
That's 2.5 lbs a week. It's vastly abnormal. You say you have talked to several psychiatrists and psychologists, but have you consulted your GP? Perhaps there is an underlying medical condition that could explain your symptoms.
posted by halogen at 5:30 PM on January 25, 2011 [9 favorites]