Is marriage really the ultimate merit badge?

January 2, 2011 3:09 PM

This quote about marriage intrigues and confuses me: "Getting married is a way to show family and friends that you have a successful personal life," says Andrew Cherlin, a sociologist at Johns Hopkins University and the author of The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and the Family in America Today. "It's like the ultimate merit badge." I agree with this, but the idea that it's true kind of scares me.

Here's the article (from a recent issue of TIME)

I'm at the age where friends are getting married, having babies, and generally passing all the usual milestones of adulthood. I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'm wondering what would happen if marriages didn't involve rituals like engagement rings and weddings. Would people still want to get married so badly?

I want to believe in the institution of marriage, but the idea that the engagement/wedding stuff is mostly a show people put on for their friends and family... it sounds awful, but it kind of makes sense. Among women, there really seems to be that "I got picked!" undercurrent, like you're being invited to the ultimate prom.

Does anyone else think the above statement might be true, or is it hopelessly cynical? Is there really something different, or maybe intangible, about being someone's husband or wife, as opposed to living together?

posted by pourtant to Society & Culture (4 answers total)

I'm kinda young (21, none of my friends are thinking about marriage outside of daydreaming) and quite cynical about the whole ring/wedding part. But I still get it. There is security in marriage. It means someone holds you above everyone else. It means they're promising to stay with you through bad stuff.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 3:14 PM on January 2, 2011

You're being hopelessly cynical, and I say that as a pretty cynical person myself. Consider the number of people who elope, or have extremely low-key ceremonies, or get married against the wishes of their families and/or expectations of their cultures.

Apart from that, there is something about being married for the couple that is different than just shacking up. It's a way of formally casting your lot in with your partner in a way that says "even if things get rough, we're going to try to work it out." Which in turn is a way of saying "I think our relationship is strong enough to ride out the rough parts."

So, yes, it's true that marriage is an outward sign of stability and maturity and all that, but it's more than that.
posted by adamrice at 3:15 PM on January 2, 2011

I want to believe in the institution of marriage, but the idea that the engagement/wedding stuff is mostly a show people put on for their friends and family...

Engagement/wedding ≠ marriage.

You can have a meaningful marriage without the public spectacle of engagement announcements and big weddings, and you can have a fabulous time with 200+ of your closest friends and distant relatives at your expensive wedding/reception but have a crappy marriage.
posted by headnsouth at 3:19 PM on January 2, 2011

Among women, there really seems to be that "I got picked!" undercurrent, like you're being invited to the ultimate prom.

Wow, I take offense to that. To me, marriage is a promise to love and care your partner for the rest of your lives no matter what happens. I guess if you've always got divorce on the back burner as an opt-out of marriage, then sure, it can be just about the show. However, some people are more serious about the "responsibilities" of marriage.
posted by two lights above the sea at 3:21 PM on January 2, 2011