I'm going to mark all my stuff with urine and/or a sharpie...
December 13, 2010 12:01 PM   Subscribe

Would the SO moving into "my" place seem like a recipe for disaster? I know once he moves in it's "our" space, but I've heard bad things about someone moving into someone else's space, and want to make the living-together transition as smooth as possible. (Yes, another living together question, but I didn't see one so far about the acutal living space.)

We're both broke and have depressing credit scores, so the SO suggested we ask my landlord to see if SO could get on my lease during renewal time this spring. That way only one of us has to move. SO stays over 3-4 nights a week as it is, and he suggested he move in with me instead of getting a new place together. SO thinks that in a year or so we'll have more savings, less debt and likely better credit scores. We're actively working on this.
Moving into his place is not an option because his roommate wants to stay and it is in the 'burbs.

I have a good relationship with my landlord and I like my apartment. I'd like to find a new place (because, Whee! New place! Fun for five seconds!)but realistically won't be able to come up with fist/last month's rent, moving $$, etc.
posted by ShadePlant to Human Relations (24 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
 
My SO moved into my place because I owned my house, and he was renting an apartment. I think it's worked out well for us, partly because of some active choices, and partly due to his temperament.

The active choices that I think helped out were that together we rearranged some of the house (switched bedrooms), painted the (newly designated) bedroom a new color, hung some of his art, integrated a lot of his furniture, and set up some office space for him that is his space that I don't mess with. These were all things that made the space feel more "ours" than just "mine," though clearly most of the house is still pretty dominated with my stuff.

The temperamental things I mentioned are that he had been so nomadic for so long that he doesn't tend to get very territorial, and he doesn't mind that I'm fairly particular about these bowls going in this cabinet, but those bowls go in that cabinet (really, just another opportunity to tease me for being obsessive).
posted by amelioration at 12:08 PM on December 13, 2010


It can be a big deal, or it can be inconsequential. It all depends on how both of you handle it. Are you going to treat it as him moving into MY place, or are you planning to turn it into both of you doing some big moves to make it OUR place?

If the latter, no big deal. Plan on some disruption, and assist in the disruption by boxing up some of your extra stuff. If you're anything like me, your stuff morphs to fill whatever space you're in, so it is a good idea to get a bunch of it out of the way so he feels like his stuff has a place to go.

Start by emptying out half of the drawers in the dresser, opening up half of the closet, removing half of the bookshelves worth of stuff.

You can facilitate this being easier by going through both of your apartments and tagging furniture items and getting rid of the things that are duplicated before the move, e.g., if you both have tv's. Try to be flexible in this process, if he really wants to keep *his* tv, remember that he is the one moving into your space and try to be generous by being the one that gets rid of it.

I've done this before, but neither myself nor my boyfriend had much stuff, so it was easier to just have him arrive with all of his stuff because there was plenty of room for him. Just be prepared to be flexible, loving, and understand that this will be a little more stressful than before, but that you can get over it. Good luck!
posted by arnicae at 12:11 PM on December 13, 2010


I moved into my SO's place (go rent control!)

We made a bunch of decorating adjustments (carpet, bedding, kitchen tiles), and that made me feel more at home.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:12 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


Best answer: Oh, and one more- before you move in, have a sit-down talk about money. Things you should talk about:

-how will we pay the rent? Who pays what proportion, and how does it get paid (e.g., X transfer rent money to Y online, Y writes check?). What happens if someone can't pay? What happens if someone forgets?

-how are household expenses divided?

-who is responsible for utilities (and what non-essential utilities are we going to have)? If one person really really wants upgraded cable and the other doesn't, are we splitting it or is the person that wants it paying for it?

-Who's on the lease? Will we both be on the lease? What happens if we break up vis a vie the lease?

Money is often a source of contention in relationships. It is really tough to talk about money, but it shows a lot of maturity to try to do it. It also saves a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings in the long run by talking about it early on.
posted by arnicae at 12:14 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]


I not only moved into my boyfriend's place... it was the apartment he grew up in! But after some major redecorating, now it feels like "our" place and not "his" place (or worse yet, his parents place). I think as long as you are flexible and open to his input about the apartment, then things will be okay.
posted by kimdog at 12:18 PM on December 13, 2010


Response by poster: The only thing I'm really territorial about is the kitchen, and SO expressly said that if he moves in he will be in the kitchen just as much as I am. (But he better not scour my cast iron pans!)This is all great feedback, and we've started talking about how to divide closets, etc, and what to do about money. I will keep lurking! Thanks.
posted by ShadePlant at 12:18 PM on December 13, 2010


It sounds from the outset that you are feeling negative about this. Also, from the way you describe this is doesn't sound like a mutual decision.

If this is true, you guys shouldn't move in together. Period. Regardless of whether you live in one person's pre-existing place or find your own new place together.

More about sharing your space, if you really want him to move in and don't feel like what I've said above describes the situation:

I've been on the other end of this. Several times, in fact - and not always when it was a romantic situation. So I'm going to weigh in on that.

When your boyfriend moves in with you, it stops being "my apartment" and becomes "our apartment". Period. There is no way around this. A lot of people have a problem wrapping their heads around this idea, and it's one thing that can make moving in together really difficult.

The first time I moved in with a boyfriend, he continued to consider the apartment his. For YEARS. What's worse, he even kept score about whose furniture was whose. And he would be emotionally abusive with me over it (e.g. if we were fighting I couldn't sleep in the bed because it was "his bed" and I was only ever allowed to sleep in it because he'd invited me). I'm sure you're not going to be that bad, but this is definitely a good reason not to dive in head first if you're not 100% sure about sharing a home.

I definitely agree with amelioration about doing something to the space to represent the transition. A few years ago I moved in with a friend, as roommates. He'd lived there alone for many years, and I felt the need to mark my territory, so to speak. We did a huge rearranging of furniture when I moved in, and as soon as I moved in I started making my own changes to the space based on my own preferences and needs. For example I got a step-stool for the kitchen and changed the way we stored things in the cupboards to accommodate my height (he's over 6 foot, I'm 5"3'). I hung my own family photos alongside his. I let my knickknacks take their rightful place in shared parts of the house. As soon as I could afford it, I took on some renovation/redecorating projects. When stuff needed to be upgraded, I made a point of paying for it. All of this helped me to feel like this apartment was my home. You should prepare for him to do that sort of thing or otherwise exert control over the space in ways that are meaningful to him.
posted by Sara C. at 12:27 PM on December 13, 2010


Response by poster: I'm leery of moving in with anyone because I've had really bad past experiences with roommates, but I want to live with the SO. I was hoping we'd be able to find a different apartment, but that's not likely anymore. So, yes, I want to live with him, but I am also trying to be pragmatic about how to handle it. I want to be somewhere in the middle of "ignorance is bliss we love each other so much everything will work out" and making a tape line down the middle of the apartment.
posted by ShadePlant at 12:31 PM on December 13, 2010


Response by poster: Also, we're buying a new, bigger bed to replace either of ours and he's bringing in his own furniture, art, etc. I might be too lazy to repaint, but that might not be a bad idea.
posted by ShadePlant at 12:34 PM on December 13, 2010


Best answer: You're the one who needs to be proactive about it, as the apartment started out as your place. Don't underestimate the power of verbal reinforcements. If he, or other people, say "ShadePlant's place," correct him or them. It's your job to do so and it can only come from you. Make sure he feels comfortable being able to co-own the space, mentally, and you need to give him leave to do so.

My partner moved in with me this summer. I own the house, he left an apartment he'd shared with the same roommate for five years (who was staying put but having his fiancee move in). It took about three months to cure him of the verbal tic he had of referring to our place as "lydhre's place," and I think it took so little because I was actively, and with a smile, redacting his choice of words. Our place.

It helped that while we kept my bed frame we used his mattress. We built him a new closet in the master bedroom, so we each have one. He has an office to himself, with all his stuff, which I do not rustle through, even while cleaning the house (same goes for my office). We were renovating, so he was involved with the whole process of picking out a new kitchen and bathroom, even if I had, ostensibly, the final say on things (it never came to that, but we have very similar taste). He now says he loves our house, and our bedroom, and our Christmas tree, and our yard. It's a lovely feeling, let me tell you.
posted by lydhre at 12:55 PM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]


Over the years I've variously moved in with an SO, had one move in with me, and moved with an SO into an apartment that was new to both of us. The only situation in which I had problems was moving into the totally new apartment, because my then-boyfriend went out and bought all the furniture for the place on his own without asking me, which I did not like. So I think how easy and pleasant the whole process is has everything to do with the attitude with which you both approach it and very little to do with who's moving where. The advice above seems good, but I would add that it is helpful to be conscious of what you do with your space as well as what you put into it. No, your SO should not scour your cast iron pans, but a)you should be sure he knows that in advance, and b) he should have input into where they're stored and the like. He shouldn't just be able to introduce new items, but also to use and move your stuff without having to get permission every time. And even though it was your place and you were used to it a certain way, you still may need to compromise about who cleans and how often. I also find it psychologically helpful, near the beginning of a cohabitation, to go out and shop together for a few things for the place - a houseplant, a pair of coffee mugs - it doesn't have to be big, but having a few items that started out as "ours" is a nice visual reminder of the new arrangement.
posted by unsub at 1:24 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


I've had really bad past experiences with roommates

What were the issues there, if you don't mind me asking?

A lot of people have problems with college roommates because they're at one extreme of either being matched with a total stranger or your ALL TIME TOTAL BFF FOREVER. Both of which are recipes for disaster. Also, college students are immature and possess few life skills.

A lot of people have problems with roommates in their early 20's because twenty-somethings are by nature selfish and irresponsible. This seems to be the life stage where you have problems because your idiot roommate won't pay the bills, chain smokes in the house, plays loud music till all hours of the night, etc.

Living with people beyond age 25 or so is a very different thing. If either of the above things were the reason for your bad experiences in the past, I would really not worry too much about it unless you know there are deep lifestyle incompatibilities. In which case the answer is don't move in together.
posted by Sara C. at 1:31 PM on December 13, 2010


Response by poster: Bad roommate #1: We shared a dorm room and she would have sex with some dude, loudly, on the bunk below me... Then call her boyfriend in Alaska and tell him how much she missed him. She ate my food, didn't do dishes, had people over 24/7; I was uptight and whiny and introverted and on the phone with my mother way too often. (Age 18)

Bad roomate #2: My former boss (yes, I know! dumb!) and her live-in BF broke up and she needed help with the rent, so I moved in. I regretted it within 3 days. She had a 4 year old kid, and thus never let me have anyone overnight because she "couldn't trust them not to do something to her kid". She was super clean and hardly ever left the house; I was gone a lot and am pretty messy. I'd find dirty dishes left on my bed if I didn't wash them fast enough. We were also both super depressed; I am sure this had something to do with how wonky that house was. I left as soon as I could, and on bad terms. (Age 21, room mate 27 + 4 year old)
posted by ShadePlant at 1:41 PM on December 13, 2010


Best answer: We shared a dorm room and she would have sex with some dude, loudly, on the bunk below me... Then call her boyfriend in Alaska and tell him how much she missed him. She ate my food, didn't do dishes, had people over 24/7

If you think rationally about this, you know none of this stuff is going to be an issue at all. Your boyfriend is probably not going to bring strangers home to have sex with in front of you (unless you want him to), you're not going to have bunk beds, neither of you is openly dating someone else who lives in any other state, and you probably don't whine on the phone to your mom as much as you used to. If food, dishes, and how often to have guests over become problems, you guys probably have the coping skills to talk about it like rational adults.

At most, I'd expect a couple of minor arguments about grocery shopping/dish-washing technique. You guys have probably had irrational fights about stupid crap before; you'll get through it.

My former boss (yes, I know! dumb!) and her live-in BF broke up and she needed help with the rent, so I moved in. I regretted it within 3 days. She had a 4 year old kid, and thus never let me have anyone overnight because she "couldn't trust them not to do something to her kid". She was super clean and hardly ever left the house; I was gone a lot and am pretty messy. I'd find dirty dishes left on my bed if I didn't wash them fast enough. We were also both super depressed; I am sure this had something to do with how wonky that house was. I left as soon as I could, and on bad terms

This is also an easy one. Your boyfriend was never your boss, doesn't have custody of a small child, you won't be bringing home strange men to have sex with (unless your boyfriend wants you to). You haven't mentioned any emotional problems that are going to be a factor between you and your boyfriend in this shared living space, and from experience I can tell you that, if they're present, you're already dealing with that stuff whether you live together or not.

And, again, while it's possible you guys will have conflicts about domestic things like cleaning and dishes and such - and it's very likely that you guys will disagree about those things - unless your boyfriend is a horrid asshole who doesn't like you very much there's a good chance that the two of you can talk it out without resorting to passive aggressive bullshit like dishes in beds.

Bottom line, if this is TL;DR - you guys are going to have minor conflicts about domestic things like food, cleanliness, chores, and what brand of toilet paper is best. But there's a very good chance that the two of you will be able to handle those bumps in the road as they happen. By talking it out. Like rational adults who care about each other. And if you don't think so, you shouldn't move in together.
posted by Sara C. at 1:54 PM on December 13, 2010


When my (now) husband moved into my place, we just sat down in each place and looked at everything: "My dishes are nicer than yours so we'll keep mine, but your couch is nicer so we'll toss my couch" etc. There were a few compromises (I got to keep all of my vinyl for sentimental reasons, even though he had the CD versions of most of my records), but by the time we were done sorting through everything we ended up in an apartment that was half his stuff and half mine. Luckily we have similar decorating tastes, and just adding his stuff to mine was enough to make the place feel "new" even though it wasn't.
posted by dogmom at 2:02 PM on December 13, 2010


My boyfriend moved into my apartment earlier this year. He got rid of most of his stuff (minus some kitchen things I wanted to use) we kept almost all of my stuff. It's fine. It's our place now. My stuff is his and vice versa.

Fears about letting a roommate move in should, in theory, be vastly different than fears about letting a boyfriend move in. For example, you probably won't have to worry about your boyfriend bringing home complete strangers to have loud sex. If you're concerned about your boyfriend breaking your stuff, using things you don't want him to touch, not giving you enough alone time, etc then you should sit down and have a talk about ground rules.
posted by joan_holloway at 2:49 PM on December 13, 2010


Response by poster: People are bringing up good clarification points... I never realized how freaked out I was by my previous roommates, and obviously SO isn't like either of them. I'm also not worried about "my stuff", I don't give a crap about most of what I own. Except for the Le Creuset and the cat... SO is wondeful to the cat and can be educated about the bakeware. SO and I are both introverts, so the biggest issues will probably be about money and "space", which the plethora of other "#shouldwemoveintogether?" questions cover.
posted by ShadePlant at 2:57 PM on December 13, 2010


Best answer: SO and I are both introverts

My introvert partner and I have had an agreement from Day 1 that if either of us is feeling introverted, they are allowed to say "I need introvert time. Can I have the house to myself tonight/tomorrow night/Saturday?" and the other will a) try their hardest to make that happen, and b) not throw them a guilt trip about it. Even if your partner is the loveliest lovely person ever, there's that sigh of relief when you finally have the house to yourself for the evening.

We both find it important to spend our introvert time at home, rather than a bookstore/whatever, YMMV.

---

Did he get that job? Along with the money discussions, explore a "what happens if one of us is unemployed for a while" discussion. Are they likely to get depressed? Do they take on more chores to pick up the slack? What's fair?
posted by heatherann at 3:35 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


More than one person I know has done the 'move-in pre-nup'. It sounds lame, but getting everyone to agree on how the bills get paid, who owns what appliances, etc. gets the whole 'tape line down the middle of the apartment' end of things and lets you both relax and focus on the good parts and doing your armwrestling over the meaningless stuff like which wall that painting should go on without anyreal material insecurities.

And if you want to put any other living together dealbreakers or bad habits that you've both already noticed in there while you're at it (eg: I won't floss in the living room if you don't cut your toenails in the kitchen), now's your chance. Just try to make it fun.
posted by bartleby at 4:01 PM on December 13, 2010


What is the agreement if you and the SO don't enjoy living together?

According to your question, you'll both be on the lease, so you'll have equal legal claim to the apartment. (Sorry if this subject is downer, btw.)

This is only a good question to contemplate now if your apartment is super spectacular in some way and you might want to stay there without your SO, in the event it comes to that.

If you might enjoy the opportunity to move to a new (even better!) apartment, and you live in a place where great rentals are always available, please feel free to skip this concern entirely!
posted by jbenben at 4:12 PM on December 13, 2010


Oh, here's another good thing: don't throw out each other's stuff, even if you think it is obviously extraneous and unnecessary (note: this doesn't mean not throwing out trash, or old food, etc).

So even if he NEVER looks at or touches the old scuzzy stuffed animal that is always in the way, wadded in a corner, don't be the one to throw it out. Of course, you can certainly ask if he wants it sent to Goodwill...

I think a fun thing to do to reduce clutter is to have a bag in the house and every ______ (insert interval of your choice) you each find one/five/ten objects that you're ready to get rid of to go to goodwill. It is a good way to keep from being overwhelmed with clutter, by constantly reevaluating whether you need to have things.
posted by arnicae at 4:42 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: SO did not get the job he was previously worried about but he has been employed, albeit somewhere he doesn't like, this whole time. Currently he is making more than I am but he is going to start tech school in Jan. so the incomes will flip-flop... Because of all this we've talked about money a lot, how to pay the bills, etc. We had a kind of funny argument about that in the car outside of Whole Foods about a month ago, but now it's settled. We will have to discuss the unemployment thing...

I wouldn't mind leaving the apt, should it come down to that. We've broached the "what if we hate it" subject and have no clear answers... I think he's in the "grin and bear it" camp and I'm in the KILL IT WITH FIRE AND FLEEE camp. I don't think anyone would be so in love with the apartment that they couldn't leave, but rather be unable to afford it on their own. We're talking about it in gchat now and it looks like he can always go live with his dad if he can't afford a place on his own.

Good ideas everybody! I thought the "living together question horse" had been beaten to death, but I guess not.
posted by ShadePlant at 5:26 PM on December 13, 2010


I like the suggestions above about things you can do to make it "our" place instead of "my" place (moving furniture, painting).

Since you said

"I'd like to find a new place (because, Whee! New place! Fun for five seconds!)"

I'd like to also suggest - if you and SO are the type to enjoy this - that you "move", too.

Before the move-in, try looking at the rooms of the apartment as if they were empty, and imagine where you'd both like to put your various things.

On the day when SO's planning to move in, grab a backpack or small suitcase and put a few important bits of your stuff in it. When SO arrives, sling on the backpack, grab hands, and go walk around the block together. When you get back to the front door, you've moved out of your place, and you're moving, together, into your shared place.

Little rituals like that can set a nice tone, if you like that sort of thing.
posted by kristi at 9:53 AM on December 14, 2010 [3 favorites]


Best answer: It's not a recipe for disaster, but there's a lot you can do to make the situation awesome for both of you!

- take into account his favourite foods and snacks, and buy them so the pantry is stocked with both your comfort foods.
- let him rearrange stuff. I repeat, let him rearrange stuff. If you come home and he says excitedly "look honey, I've moved everything in the kitchen to a different spot so I could fit my kitchen stuff in as well", be pleased since it's one more step to sharing. Don't freak. DON'T FREAK. I speak from experience of being the freaked out one. Not good.
- give him lots of storage, and discuss where you're going to collectively store "shared" things like batteries, tools, gadgets, etc.
- discuss what duplicate items you have and what to do with the one you're going to keep (microwaves, tv, cutlery, cups, etc), and what you're doing with the stuff you're not using (storing or trashing).
- actively ask him to put some display items up - framed photos of his family and friends, art, trophies, random things that clearly have sentimental value, even if you HATE them. It's important that he can look around and see his stuff.
- as posters have said above, redecorate something in SOME way, even if it's just new sheets or a new wall colour, or moving furniture around.
- allow the first few weeks to break in each other's wake-up & before-bed routines (even if he's been staying over, this'll still take time).
- Call it "our" apartment and treat it as such, whether it's regarding the brand of milk he's bought or having friends over.
- Agree on a cleaning routine - when someone is IN YOUR SPACE you can get resentful if they're leaving messes around. Let him clean the way HE cleans, stack the dishwasher the way he likes, and put his toiletries wherever he wants in the bathroom.
- Lastly, look upon any of his living quirks as cute quirks, lovable things you are learning about him. Don't forget that you have your own brand of unique living expectations too.
- Send yourselves a card/postcard addressed to both of you. It'll feel nice receiving it!

Good luck! This is totally doable, I've done it a couple of times (had boyfriends move into my apartment) and even though I'm territorial, it worked out (the living situations, anyway!) Moving in, whether to a neutral space or to one person's, comes fraught with challenges, but through it all, your relationship will strengthen and blossom!

Oh and, i just moved in for the first time into a neutral space with my SO - let me tell you, it wasn't any easier than when partners have moved in with me! :)
posted by shazzam! at 4:06 AM on December 18, 2010


« Older I need your Brains!!!   |   I Phone work with WI FI Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.