How do I be an adult?

December 13, 2010 10:48 AM

What was that one most important thing you did in your mid-20s that made you feel like you were a Real Adult?

Due to some Bad Shit Going Down, I've been thrust out of my comfortable student-dilettante role (although, fortunately, I'm done with my B.A. in a month) and into that of property-owner, mortgage-holder, elderly-adult-caretaker (thankfully, they have their own homes and home health aids) family-finance-controller (not-insignificant finances exist to manage) and pretty much all that other good stuff that comes with Real Adulthood, as I see it. My family was never close or tight-knit, so outside of my girlfriend, a few very close friends, and some aunts/uncles who live nowhere near me, there's not much help. That's not to say they aren't being absolutely wonderful people, but I do not have the resources of a large family.

I didn't ask to fill the shoes which I must, but I have no choice, so I'm not feeling bad or upset or resentful. However I still feel like the (literal and metaphorical) itinerant, broke I have been for the last eight or nine years.
Outside of keepin' on keepin' on, what is that ONE THING that I have to do to own this the role I'm in for the foreseeable future?

(Yes I've seen the XKCD comic.)

posted by griphus to Society & Culture (39 answers total)

(Yes I've seen the XKCD comic.)

OK, have you seen this AskMe thread?
posted by John Cohen at 10:52 AM on December 13, 2010

Oh, man. I hope this isn't unhelpful, but you just have to do it. Admit you are feeling overwhelmed and do it anyway. All of the stuff that made me feel like a Real Adult in my 20s, I didn't actually realise I was doing at the time. It's only in retrospect, 10 or more years later, that I realised that xyz was some sort of watershed moment.
posted by gaspode at 10:53 AM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

I want to say that for me, being an adult wasn't something that just happened- it was a gradual process of owning the myriad of things that go along with it. I couldn't pinpoint when it happened, and I think few people can.

Earlier this year, at 32, I had a moment where all of the teenagers and 20 somethings at my job sat up when I walked into a room, and I realized they were acknowledging the presence of an adult- me.
posted by Zophi at 10:57 AM on December 13, 2010 [6 favorites]

I had three kids by the time I was 25! I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, but it sure made me an adult fast.
posted by mareli at 10:57 AM on December 13, 2010

Translating life insurance payout plans for my mom. Yikes, those were rough times, and I was lucky to have a lot of family to help, but you just gotta live it. Agree with gaspode, you don't want to be thinking too much about how heavy and life-altering the decisions you're making are. Otherwise you'll just be stricken with dread and be immobilized with about whether you're doing the right thing.
posted by jng at 11:03 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

When I was little, and based on the adult role models around me, I always felt like the three things grown-ups did was read a daily newspaper with good local coverage (or, today I guess, relevant daily internet sources), vote (especially in local elections), and volunteer in some capacity. On reflection, all three of these things are about being informed, active, and engaged in your local community and in the broader community (national elections, world news). And these three things definitely helped me become an adult and take on adult roles.

I suspect finding a role for yourself in your community may help you feel less itinerant and more rooted.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:09 AM on December 13, 2010 [9 favorites]

*three things grown-ups did WERE
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 11:09 AM on December 13, 2010

The thing I found that helped with getting thrust into being a grown-up before I felt like I was ready was making sure that I was getting the good with the bad. If you have to pay bills and make Serious Decisions, you can also do stuff to take care of yourself. Some of those things don't have to be things other people would see as particularly grown-up. One of the things that helped me was putting a small amount of money every month towards getting my home set up in the way that I wanted--the bedding set I wanted, the dishes I wanted, so that I felt like I was in some way in control of the nice things in my life as well as having to keep control of the awful things.

It also helps that I have since re-defined my idea of adulthood to be compatible with video games, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and occasional Lego usage. I've just tried to balance those things with the more grown-up bits.
posted by gracedissolved at 11:12 AM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

Immaturity is the inability to use one's understanding without guidance from another. This immaturity is self-imposed when its cause lies not in lack of understanding, but in lack of resolve and courage to use it without guidance from another. Sapere Aude! [dare to know] "Have courage to use your own understanding!"--that is the motto of enlightenment.

-Kant

A possible corollary to this line of thinking is that no-one can make you into an adult, you have to assume responsibility for it yourself. I think this doesn't mean giving yourself the stamp of approval, but rather taking responsibility for the gap that's between you and adulthood, leaving the question of "Am I an adult?" open. Maybe the desire to foreclose or prematurely resolve the question is a sign of immaturity, the adult thing to do is accept indeterminacy.
posted by AlsoMike at 11:14 AM on December 13, 2010 [21 favorites]

I started saving at least 10% of every paycheck in a retirement account, always, no matter what.
posted by something something at 11:14 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm not really sure why you need to feel like an adult.

I bought my first house recently, and, as I don't feel like an adult yet, was discussing with my parents when they first felt like adults. My parents are successful people, self-sufficient since college, were homeowners, married, and had kids in their 30s, have both been consistently employed their whole adult lives in jobs they enjoy, and now have 3 grown, happy, self-sufficient children. They stay involved with news and in their community, and are basically pretty awesome people. They told me they don't feel like they're adults yet. I don't see any problem with this.
posted by brainmouse at 11:15 AM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

Well I think adulthood is all about taking leaps of faith. you basically have a lot more responsibility than when you were younger, and a lot fewer people to lean on (and at times more people leaning on you). I'm the same age as you and buying my first home. While I have a job that appears stable now, I'm afraid that if I loose it, my life will be over, I'll loose my home, etc. The only advice my parents have been able to give me is that you take it one day at a time, try to do the right, responsible thing, and try not to worry about the future which you can't predict or control.

tl;dr - You are an adult when you encounter levels of stress you never have before and simply work through it.
posted by WeekendJen at 11:16 AM on December 13, 2010 [5 favorites]

I'm sorry you were thrust into this position, but unforseen Bad Stuff sure will make you act like an adult. Things have to get done, and no one else can do them. Just get everything done. You don't have to get it all done at once, and it's okay to freak out at first. You don't have to own it or understand what adulthood is; you just have to get things done. And soon you'll look up and realize it's become second nature.

(To this day I credit Katrina with making me grow up, and I'm actually grateful.)
posted by honeydew at 11:22 AM on December 13, 2010 [3 favorites]

I would just try to accept is as just one more facet of your life. It doesn't negate those other facets you mentioned, though you may not have learned to correlate them yet. You are a complex individual with a wide array of qualities that arc across several different spectrums, and while you only have a certain amount of control over what those qualities are, you can guide the way they intersect or overlap (or the extent to which they do either).

This means accepting yourself as a sort of ensemble of characters instead of trying to force your whole self (selves) into one homogenous identity. Maybe they will homogenize on their own eventually, but when you are this young and still growing, and healing from Bad Shit, they needn't.

For me, scary new responsibilities were themselves what made me feel like a grownup. "I have grownup problems, I must be a grownup." And then I started looking back at my parents to figure out what they were doing when they were my age, and I can't really see any evidence that they were more grownup then than I am now.

I wish you would cherish that itinerant spirit, and try not to see it as something that must be overcome or transformed. Do not apologize for it, do not try to pretend that entire phases of your life must be abandoned in order for you to gain strength and credibility. You'll relax your own grip in time, as needed. In the meantime I think you should feed that itinerant part of you, because it can help pedal the great collective griphus omnibus toward whatever comes next.

Adults take vacations. They do what needs done when it needs doing, and certainly that means accepting some bitter sacrifices, but they also need to play and explore.
posted by hermitosis at 11:25 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm discovering that adulthood takes a certain amount of self-knowledge. I was raised with the belief that adulthood meant taking responsibility for things. Mom and Dad worked me into it gradually, adding more responsibilities as I demonstrated I could handle things. This morphed into an attitude of "I must do everything for myself, to ask for help is weak!"

Now, I'm having to learn the opposite, that it's not up to me to shoulder all the responsibilities of the world. It's OK to ask for help when your skills, abilities and knowledge aren't up to the task. This AskMe is a great first step, but cultivate people whose skills and knowledge you can rely on. They don't have to be family members, it can be the super in your building who's willing to show you how to fix a leaky pipe.

P.S.: There's nothing wrong with feeling itinerant. But owning a house, paying a mortgage and being the family finances person can and will feel constraining. Plan for the occasional weekend road trip to scratch the itch.
posted by LN at 11:34 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Dusting myself off when a major life decision didn't work out, piling all my stuff into my station wagon, and driving back across country to regroup (and having that Be Okay).

Also saving for retirement and becoming competent at cooking.
posted by deludingmyself at 11:40 AM on December 13, 2010

I'm going to echo the sentiment that it's okay to ask for help. I'm in my early thirties, and I still call up my parents and ask their advice. I don't expect that I will ever stop, but now sometimes they will ask my advice as well.

Another hard lesson for me to learn was that it was okay to stop and think things over. I made a lot of mistakes because I felt I had to make a decision right then. Plan in advance as much as you can, and know what you are looking for before you talk to salespeople.
posted by backwards compatible at 11:44 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

For me, it was the realization that I was responsible for SOMEONE ELSE besides myself. It started out with roommates, where we shared responsibility, then spouse and then children. Once you recognize that people are depending on you - either financially or for everyday things like bringing lunch or giving rides, whatever - that's when you have to buck up and fulfill those responsibilities.

Then you start to realize that there are things that SHOULD be done, but nobody is demanding them of you - eating healthy, exercise, saving for future, household maintenance, etc - and you have to be responsible for that kind of stuff, too.

In all those phases, you have to figure out if there is something which is holding you back from succeeding, then fix it. Like create checklists for household chores or calendar reminders to pay the rent each month, or whatever. And then implement those improvements so it all keeps running smoothly.
posted by CathyG at 11:45 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Even though I had multiple degrees, had rented and owned a house, got married, took care of various financial arrangements and health issues, I never felt like an adult until the day I could say "this is my son". I realized I was 100% responsible for another person for at least 18 years. That level of responsibility will do it to you.
posted by maxg94 at 11:47 AM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Got divorced.
posted by DieHipsterDie at 11:50 AM on December 13, 2010

Yeah, honestly, dealing with shit like this is what makes you feel like an adult.
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:10 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

The day I moved into a place of my own and realised I was actually solely responsible for paying the rent and the bills and that I'd get slung out if I didn't... that was the day I grew up a hell of a lot. I guess it helped that coming from a poor-ish background I was used to not even thinking "my folks can help if I get into trouble", because I knew very well they couldn't. And then I started to get a real kick out of dealing with everything by myself.
posted by Decani at 12:18 PM on December 13, 2010

I didn't ask to fill the shoes which I must, but I have no choice, so I'm not feeling bad or upset or resentful.
...
Outside of keepin' on keepin' on, what is that ONE THING that I have to do to own this the role I'm in for the foreseeable future?

I think this statement is antithetical to your premise. I think that you don't "be an adult" by entering into situations without choice. In fact I think it points to the crux of the issue.

Previously I've heard that responsibility makes you behave as an adult. I think it's a bit closer to truth that realizing you have a choice, and in hindsight can say that you made that choice to accept greater responsibility, which makes you an adult. I am not, however, saying that adults will always choose more responsibility--I'm saying that adults can make the choice either way, because they run their own lives. If you feel that you have no choice, you had no choice, and the active responsibility was passed on to you as a passive receiver, I can understand why feeling like an adult might be difficult. Being an adult is making life choices.

I think that in your case, being an adult means realizing that you could, if you so chose, get on a bus and start over somewhere else. There are always repercussions to choices, of course, but the fundamental freedom to Do Something Else in the face a situation you don't like is the hallmark of an adult.
posted by Phyltre at 12:20 PM on December 13, 2010

Today's my 41st birthday and I'm skimming this thread looking for ideas, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.

Sometime in my 30s I figured out the secret of being on time. There is no such thing as "on time." There is only early or late. It is only 8 am for one minute per day. You can either plan to arrive before 8 or after 8. The on-time people are the ones who chose to arrive before 8. I am still not one of them, generally, but I'm a lot better than I was, and showing up on time is a big part of being a grownup.
posted by selfmedicating at 12:20 PM on December 13, 2010 [8 favorites]

Taking proper care of my teeth!
posted by analog at 1:17 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Pressed submit too soon. What I mean to say is that if you take good care of things that have to do with you, such as your teeth (things that can go really wrong really fast, and end up being really expensive), this will make other aspects of your life easier.
posted by analog at 1:23 PM on December 13, 2010

To be honest, I was only 16 years old when I got slapped upside the head with a rude chunk of adulthood. Due to family circumstances, I had to start working right after the end of 11th grade. I was lucky enough to have the skills to land me an office job making 50 cents per hour above minimum wage and which gave me full Blue Cross coverage, even as a part-timer. I kept that same job as a high school senior, working part-time from 1PM to 6PM. Anyway, I remember one day at work when I was blamed for something that had happened when I wasn't even at the office and for which I had to stay very late into the evening in order to fix the situation. After several high-level executives who'd previously never acknowledged my existence personally confronted and chastised me for a telex that hadn't been sent (again, I didn't start work until 1PM, there were supposed to be others in place to send telexes prior to that time, but in this case it was a very long, detailed telex with many part numbers and the "back-up" operators didn't want to be bothered) I said to my boss "This isn't fair!" And he replied with a shrug "Life isn't fair" and left me to mop up the mess. At the time it didn't even really connect with me that this huge multi-million dollar corporation was leaving such an important communique in the hands of a 16-year-old. All I remembered was the cold slap of reality of the statement "life isn't fair"....all my life until that time, it seemed that every unjust situtation was always resolved favorably once it was pointed out to whomever was in charge that "that's not fair!" The sudden realization that I was being held responsible for Major Stuff, and whether I was the cause of a mistake or not, it could cost me my job (and much-needed paycheck) was my adulthood wake-up call, the "I had to suck it up and play by the rules even if the rules were stupid" notification.
posted by Oriole Adams at 1:28 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

I started saving at least 10% of every paycheck in a retirement account, always, no matter what.

yep, my childhood officially died the day I started saving for my own retirement.
posted by namewithoutwords at 1:52 PM on December 13, 2010

Since it wasn't that long ago, do you remember sometime freshman year when you realized that no one was going to prompt you to do your homework, wake you up for class, make sure you ate, did your laundry, etc? That it was all up to you and no one was going to bail you out or do it for you? And if you flaked, you were majorly screwed?

Being a grownup is like that, but more. As a grownup, NOTHING in your life is somebody else's problem anymore. You must keep yourself and your living space clean and smelling nice, eat and drink in moderation, and legally obtain enough money to provide yourself with food, shelter, clothing, and some more to put aside as savings. There is also some necessary paperwork you have to keep up on, just like at school - tax returns, driver's license and car insurance, etc. Beyond that, everything else is pretty much up to you.

I point you at the other XKCD comic related to adulthood: Link
posted by bartleby at 3:28 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

Oh, you were asking for the one thing to keep up your 'student' identity. It will take some setting up and professional advice at first, but once you get all that paperwork into a routine, it's not as big and scary as it appears from a distance.

A couple hours on the 14th and the 30th to open and pay all the bills and sign stuff is all it takes. Ditto on keeping house; put a load of laundry in and clean the bathroom in the 30 minutes it takes to wash, vaccum in the 30 minutes it takes to dry. Clean up after yourself while you cook and take any wet or foody trash out every night.

Dedicate one 'schoolnight' a week for housekeeping and two a month for billpaying (and never ever skip one!) and the rest of your time is yours; go get shitfaced, spend a whole weekend in your sweatpants playing XBox, start a punk band, whatever slacker stuff you want to fill the rest of your time with. As long as you do those chores, and they're easy to do, you technically have your shit together no matter what else you do.
posted by bartleby at 3:43 PM on December 13, 2010 [2 favorites]

You have to do something you didn't want to do that involves other people relying on you? Can you get out of it, or do a half-arsed job? Do you decide not to, and indeed, decide to do the best you can?

Welcome to adulthood.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 4:48 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

Step 1: Shut up.
Step 2: Go to work.
Step 3: Go home.
Step 4: Go to sleep.
Step 5: Repeat.
posted by nickrussell at 5:22 PM on December 13, 2010

That was meant to be a joke but perhaps it's not funny.

And I guess that is how you be an adult. Try, fail, admit that you failed, and move on. If you really want to develop adult skills, you will have to challenge yourself in situations that involve potential pain and failure.

Set yourself a dfficult goal that will negatively impact your reputation and other people if you fail. Do your best not to fail. Admit when you do. Accept the consequences.

For starters, choose a start-up company and put an amount of money into it that you are uncomfortable losing. See how it goes.
posted by nickrussell at 5:31 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I read everything I could on retirement accounts and got my 401k, my Roth IRA, and my automatic savings account. Then I set up a small life insurance policy. I don't have a great job- but I have the ability to quit that job and live for at least a year without it, and that is great.
posted by jenlovesponies at 5:45 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I was 32 but definitely stuck in my 28 year old mindset.

Me and Mrs. Primate quit our jobs, travelled for a year, then resettled to another continent. After that, there really wasn't anything much more irresponsible we could think to do, so it was kind of instant adulthood.

Well that and NYC is a cruel mistress.
posted by digitalprimate at 6:18 PM on December 13, 2010

Oh, and I forgot to recommend flylady.net. She teaches a lot of great basic skills -- how to break down tasks into manageable chunks.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:05 PM on December 13, 2010 [1 favorite]

I had a very similar situation. Good luck. It's hard, and people won't get it. I'm trying really hard to think of anything that helped me own the role, or really, anything I learned from it that could be useful to you. I guess what I would tell my younger self is, 'don't feel so bad when you make a decision that turns out not to have been the best one', and 'accept and believe the emotional support and validation and praise you get from the people who do give it to you.'
posted by Salamandrous at 7:11 PM on December 13, 2010

Oh yes, I'll second selfmedicating. Flylady has been very good for me.
posted by Salamandrous at 7:22 PM on December 13, 2010

Find a recommendation for a financial planner and accountant. They might be the same person, they might not. With any significant amount of income or money in the bank, this relationship will save you much more money than it costs, and will *also* save you an enormous amount of frustration if money is at all important to you.
posted by talldean at 11:35 AM on December 20, 2010