love vs in love
November 3, 2010 4:44 PM Subscribe
Asking the hive mind... What is the different between loving someone, and "being" in love with someone?
This post was deleted for the following reason: this is chatfilter. Without any sort of "this is a problem I am trying to solve" it's not okay for AskMe. -- jessamyn
Well for starters, to say that you love somebody can imply a wide variety of emotions, including Platonic and "love thine enemy" type stuff, whereas in English to say that you are "in love" with someone is usually specifically indicating a romantic relationship. Also "to love" can be a euphemism for "to engage in sexual intercourse with", as in "big mama needs some big luvin'".
But besides that this seems kinda chatfiltery.
posted by XMLicious at 4:52 PM on November 3, 2010
But besides that this seems kinda chatfiltery.
posted by XMLicious at 4:52 PM on November 3, 2010
Loving someone is how you treat them. In love with someone is how you feel.
posted by bitdamaged at 4:55 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bitdamaged at 4:55 PM on November 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have been wondering this since the very first time someone broke up with me via the stale line, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."
Especially since my sense of it is about consistent with Nixy. "In love" is the easy part, the part that probably has more to do with brain chemistry than anything else. The part where you think about the other person all the time, can't imagine spending your life without them, etc. "Love" being the harder part, the part where you unconditionally care for them without regard to your own interest.
I get severely confused when confronted with a partner who has seemed to reciprocate my feelings, has given all the signals of both love/in love, is fully participating in this relationship in a positive way, and then BAM "I'm not in love with you". WTF were you doing for the last 6 months, then? Were you just pretending you cared because the sex was good? Were you just completely phoning it in and I didn't notice at all?
The only charitable answer is that apparently some people ascribe attributes to love/being in love that go way above and beyond how I would characterize them.
posted by Sara C. at 4:56 PM on November 3, 2010
Especially since my sense of it is about consistent with Nixy. "In love" is the easy part, the part that probably has more to do with brain chemistry than anything else. The part where you think about the other person all the time, can't imagine spending your life without them, etc. "Love" being the harder part, the part where you unconditionally care for them without regard to your own interest.
I get severely confused when confronted with a partner who has seemed to reciprocate my feelings, has given all the signals of both love/in love, is fully participating in this relationship in a positive way, and then BAM "I'm not in love with you". WTF were you doing for the last 6 months, then? Were you just pretending you cared because the sex was good? Were you just completely phoning it in and I didn't notice at all?
The only charitable answer is that apparently some people ascribe attributes to love/being in love that go way above and beyond how I would characterize them.
posted by Sara C. at 4:56 PM on November 3, 2010
Being in love is like a drug, you crave the person's presence, touch and sexy bits.
Loving someone is caring for them deeply, and you enjoy their presence, but you don't crave it, at least not as intensely or often.
Being in love is like getting (insert your favorite thing here) all the time and getting really good, almost indescribable feelings from it.
Loving someone is like doing that enjoyable thing that you like, but it's gets old if you do it too much.
Being in love is eating the best goddamn cheeseburger ever and never getting tired of eating cheeseburgers.
Loving someone is enjoying a cheeseburger, but getting sick of them for a while if you eat too many in a short amount of time.
Being in love is intoxicating.
Loving someone is getting a nice buzz.
posted by nomadicink at 4:57 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Loving someone is caring for them deeply, and you enjoy their presence, but you don't crave it, at least not as intensely or often.
Being in love is like getting (insert your favorite thing here) all the time and getting really good, almost indescribable feelings from it.
Loving someone is like doing that enjoyable thing that you like, but it's gets old if you do it too much.
Being in love is eating the best goddamn cheeseburger ever and never getting tired of eating cheeseburgers.
Loving someone is enjoying a cheeseburger, but getting sick of them for a while if you eat too many in a short amount of time.
Being in love is intoxicating.
Loving someone is getting a nice buzz.
posted by nomadicink at 4:57 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Compare with "we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you." This can often be a meaningless linguistic distinction made for rhetorical purposes such as dissembling or deflecting questions or criticism.
posted by XMLicious at 5:01 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by XMLicious at 5:01 PM on November 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Ask anyone who has been married for a long time.
Really loving someone is hard work!
Being "in love" with someone is sort of like a chemical madness that sets in long enough for you to decide if you can stand someone for a lifetime. This is why the divorce rate is so high.
Many people believe that relationships should be based on that wild hot passion. When the drudgery of life sets in--kids, bills, in-laws etc. you better hope that committed love and for real friendship will see you through.
posted by AuntieRuth at 5:02 PM on November 3, 2010
Really loving someone is hard work!
Being "in love" with someone is sort of like a chemical madness that sets in long enough for you to decide if you can stand someone for a lifetime. This is why the divorce rate is so high.
Many people believe that relationships should be based on that wild hot passion. When the drudgery of life sets in--kids, bills, in-laws etc. you better hope that committed love and for real friendship will see you through.
posted by AuntieRuth at 5:02 PM on November 3, 2010
Here is a link to a recent news story indicating that romantic love corresponds to different parts of your brain than 'unconditional' mother love.
On romantic love:
Ortigue and her colleagues found that when a person falls in love, different areas of the brain release euphoria-inducing chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin (the so-called love hormone), adrenaline and vasopressin (known from animal studies to cause aggression and territorial behavior).
On maternal love:
Brain regions associated with maternal love included those related to higher cognitive or emotional processing. Compared with passionate-love brain activity measured in a prior study, the researchers found maternal love but not the romantic kind showed up in the periaqueductal gray matter (PAG) - an area that contains receptors for mother-child bonding.
posted by girlpublisher at 5:06 PM on November 3, 2010
On romantic love:
Ortigue and her colleagues found that when a person falls in love, different areas of the brain release euphoria-inducing chemicals such as dopamine, oxytocin (the so-called love hormone), adrenaline and vasopressin (known from animal studies to cause aggression and territorial behavior).
On maternal love:
Brain regions associated with maternal love included those related to higher cognitive or emotional processing. Compared with passionate-love brain activity measured in a prior study, the researchers found maternal love but not the romantic kind showed up in the periaqueductal gray matter (PAG) - an area that contains receptors for mother-child bonding.
posted by girlpublisher at 5:06 PM on November 3, 2010
I get severely confused when confronted with a partner who has seemed to reciprocate my feelings, has given all the signals of both love/in love, is fully participating in this relationship in a positive way, and then BAM "I'm not in love with you". WTF were you doing for the last 6 months, then? Were you just pretending you cared because the sex was good? Were you just completely phoning it in and I didn't notice at all?
It's very possible. Another attribute of being in love is overanalyzing the love interest's feelings towards you, which makes it easy to make errors of confirmation bias. People "in love" are easy to fool, sometimes they fool themselves. But I think it is also possible to fall out of love, and in that case, what typically happens is either a feeling of disappointment, disillusionment, "waking up" or a settling down into the deeper 'love" emotion, a comfortable sort of wearing-in.
Compare with "we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you." This can often be a meaningless linguistic distinction made for rhetorical purposes such as dissembling or deflecting questions or criticism.
I don't think that's a particularly good example, because there is a difference between laughing at and laughing with, just as there is a real difference between being in love and loving. Some people may purposefully lie about that difference under certain circumstances, but it is real in both cases.
posted by Nixy at 5:07 PM on November 3, 2010
It's very possible. Another attribute of being in love is overanalyzing the love interest's feelings towards you, which makes it easy to make errors of confirmation bias. People "in love" are easy to fool, sometimes they fool themselves. But I think it is also possible to fall out of love, and in that case, what typically happens is either a feeling of disappointment, disillusionment, "waking up" or a settling down into the deeper 'love" emotion, a comfortable sort of wearing-in.
Compare with "we're not laughing at you, we're laughing with you." This can often be a meaningless linguistic distinction made for rhetorical purposes such as dissembling or deflecting questions or criticism.
I don't think that's a particularly good example, because there is a difference between laughing at and laughing with, just as there is a real difference between being in love and loving. Some people may purposefully lie about that difference under certain circumstances, but it is real in both cases.
posted by Nixy at 5:07 PM on November 3, 2010
love = (obligation + concern)*time
being in love = (volition + desire) / time + love^∞
posted by Siena at 5:13 PM on November 3, 2010
being in love = (volition + desire) / time + love^∞
posted by Siena at 5:13 PM on November 3, 2010
The ancient Greeks had separate words for different types of love; as I understand it romantic love ("in love") falls more under eros, "love but not in love" corresponds loosely to philia, so it's an old distinction. Mefites who're more schooled in this might be able to explain better.
posted by NoraReed at 5:24 PM on November 3, 2010
posted by NoraReed at 5:24 PM on November 3, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
In love: Butterflies, get very self-concious around them, daydream/imagine them quite a lot.
Love: Worry about them, want them to be happy, do little things for them without expecting recognition, want them to succeed at achieving their goals and dreams, put their well-being ahead of your own.
posted by Nixy at 4:48 PM on November 3, 2010