Two of my boyfriend's friends are apparently disgusted by me, particularly my looks. I'm shocked, confused, and ashamed. What should I do?
posted by anonymous to human relations (77 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
I began meeting my boyfriend's friends a few months into our relationship. His very good friend lives in a big city an hour away from us, so whenever we would visit that city, we would crash with him and his girlfriend. I am in my mid/late 20s, and the 3 of them are in their early 30s.
They were so welcoming and kind to us. We hung out at the apartment, went out for drinks, played video games, talked. They cooked us dinner several times. I especially liked the girlfriend; we spent a lot of time talking and a LOT of time laughing, and I thought we were really getting to know each other. The three of them speak a language that I don't speak, and sometimes lapsed into it especially when drinking. I thought it would be really rude to request everyone to speak English just for me, so I didn't; often though, the girlfriend would be the only one to notice when this happened, and would remind the guys that I couldn't understand their language. (They are French.)
I would say we probably went to stay with them 7 or 8 times over a period of 6 months. My boyfriend also saw the male half of this couple probably 5 additional times, just the two of them. They have also, over the years, spent quite a bit of time coming here to my boyfriend's place and crashing with him when they are in this area; they didn't come to us much during this time period, but were often invited.
After this period of time, I had to move away temporarily for the next 6 months for school. I had very little communication with this couple while I was away. I was able to move back 3 months ago. We had a party which this couple came to; we've also seen the male half of the couple twice by himself, here at our place. At the party, when the female half of the couple saw me, she yelled my name, came over and kissed me, had a really friendly chat, and later when she was in the hot tub she wanted me to come join her and the other people in there.
The girlfriend half of the couple has remained friends with my boyfriend's ex, who was extremely angry and distraught over the fact that he was dating someone new, and made her feelings well known. I recently found out that just after I moved away for school, this couple had my boyfriend's ex over to their house, and began a venting session about me the minute she walked in the door.
The girlfriend half of the couple said:
-I was a mean, jealous bitch.
-I rudely never helped her cook dinner.
-I didn't have a pleasant looking face.
-I was fat and ugly.
I can understand some of these things. I am pretty shy with strangers to begin with, and I was especially nervous because they were the first of my boyfriend's friends that I had met. It's possible that my shyness could have come off as snootiness. Also, they spent quite a bit of time speaking another language, so I was pretty quiet during those times, and I can't say I proactively tried to get them to speak English. In general, when I felt shy, I didn't do as good a job as I could have of trying to be more extroverted.
It's true I never helped her to cook dinner. I suck at cooking and am extremely self conscious about it, and both members of the couple are really good at it. However, if I had known it had offended her, I would have at least tried. It never occurred to me and she never said anything. We did cook them dinner when they came to visit with us. (They did not help with that, but brought desserts. We usually brought wine to their place.)
As to the fat and ugly thing ... I am 5'4" and weigh around 130 lbs, the girlfriend is around 5'0" and around 90 lbs, the ex girlfriend is around 5'7" and around 110, and has dealt with anorexia. So, I understand that to them, I would be really fat. Regardless of whether or not it is true, I feel really horrible and ashamed that she felt she had to entertain a fat, ugly and repulsive person and have this person eating her food and sleeping in her spare bed.
The one thing I do not get is why she said I was "jealous," since I honestly cannot remember expressing any sort of jealousy of anything at all to her.
The girlfriend also told my boyfriend's ex an anecdote about myself that I'd told her one of the nights we were hanging out. It was one of those kind of embarrassing yet funny anecdotes where the joke was basically on me. The girlfriend told the ex the story, and said it probably happened to me because I was such a bitch.
The boyfriend of the couple was more to the point. He angrily said that I was a fat ugly bitch and that my boyfriend must have been desperate for sex to be with me. He said he told my boyfriend, "If you were so desperate for sex, you should have just gone back to (Ex's name) instead of that fat bitch."
I know *for a fact* that they said these things. I am 100% certain of it, no doubt about it.
When I learned about this, I felt extremely humiliated and ashamed. I asked my boyfriend if it was true, that his friend had ever said those things about me. My boyfriend seemed shocked and said that he never had. He said they had never said anything negative about me to him. But, my boyfriend is in denial that they said these things at all. He insists he doesn't believe that they did. He said he cannot imagine them saying those things. I asked him if he would ask them if they disliked me. He firmly refused, and said that would be a rude, bizarre question to ask and he could never imagine asking something like that. My boyfriend says I should give them the benefit of the doubt. I can't do that because I *know* that they said these things. I couldn't fake myself into pretending they might not have.
What should I do? The male half of this couple is one of my boyfriend's best friends. Should I just bow out whenever my boyfriend visits this couple or spends other time with them? Should I say something to the couple? (If so, what? I have NO idea what to say.) Should I just keep going to their house, repulsing and annoying them, and pretend I am still clueless about it all?
Also, how do I recover from this emotionally? This is one of the most humiliating things that has ever happened to me. I think about those things they said and almost feel like I'm going to vomit. I start to tear up whenever I am reminded of it. I can deal with people not liking me. But the fact that they were SO nice to my face, but secretly found me SO disgusting and horrible, has really shaken me. It is summer and we were all planning to go swimming soon, and I was looking forward to that so much. Now I feel really ashamed at the idea of taking my clothes off and wearing a bathing suit in front of them, knowing how gross they think my body is.
I am also confused about why the girlfriend half of the couple has been SO nice and friendly to me this whole time, while loathing me behind my back. She has never seemed fake-nice, always just genuinely nice.
Anon email: email@example.com