Yes, Everything you do? It IS Wrong.

July 29, 2010 6:50 AM

Irrational Disgust with your Soon-to-Be (or Perhaps Very-Recent) Partner Filter: Cutting to chase: I was hanging out with my friends after breaking up with boyfriend and we started talking about those feelings that you start to get when you're in the death throes of the type of relationship dynamic where you're the one not really feeling it and your little inner voice is speaking louder and louder to get out. (Your louder voice definitely knows what the problems are, but maybe isn't ready to confront them.) Specifically, we all recognized that we've gotten to the point where EVERYTHING your SO does drives you completely, irrationally batshit. And you know you're being ridiculous (and even a little cruel), and yet... Things like their choice of sock, the way they brush their teeth or hold a glass, their reading glasses, the baby voice they use with their fish, etc. make you want to scream.

One friend said she knew it was time to break up when she was annoyed at her then-boyfriend's use of a black thin-tip Bic pen (as opposed to a blue medium-tip one).

I like to think that my friends and I are normal, but then I started wondering: how many of us go through this period (which passes within 2 weeks at most) where we have these irrational feelings of disgust?

And better, what are some of the meanest things you've ever thought?

posted by dzaz to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Response by poster: ...with...EX-Partner Filter

oops.
posted by dzaz at 6:57 AM on July 29, 2010

I think this is pretty normal. It's just a way of justifying breaking up.

And better, what are some of the meanest things you've ever thought?

I disagree that this is the "better" part of your question. Chatfilter, but also with elements of meangirl.
posted by headnsouth at 6:59 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

The smell of my ex's deodorant made me feel nauseous (in reality, it was just normal deodorant--powder fresh, i think). I remember clearly thinking that if she got any closer to me that I would literally be sick to my stomach.
posted by midwestguy at 7:00 AM on July 29, 2010

Ever relationship deals with petty arguments like the ones you describe. Human nature is, at least in part, petty. It is perfectly normal to get annoyed by the choice of your SO's socks or pen.

However, that said - it is also an extra-ordinarily petty thing.

You have to find a healthy and constructive way to work through these petty arguments. A sustained relationship requires work and compromise - and it will never be like the Hollywood movie. Nothing is perfect, yourself included.

Despite imperfection, it is immature to destroy a sustained caring relationship based on the choice of socks.
posted by Flood at 7:03 AM on July 29, 2010

I'm married, and I have this happen every once and a while. It usually means that there's something else bugging me about my wife that I'm either failing to identify completely or refusing to recognize due to being a stubborn sonuvabitch. Journal writing, and personal reflection in general are the best cures along with just getting out with it and telling her "there's something bothering me but I'm not sure what and that's why I've been irritable lately -- sorry for that -- so can you help me figure this out?."
posted by symbollocks at 7:04 AM on July 29, 2010

I became disgusted with his posting to Ask MeFi instead of MetaTalk. Irrational? Hardly.
posted by Eicats at 7:07 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

I haven't experienced this myself but I've had a couple of people break up with me who may have exhibited this, both of whom then seemed to react much more positively towards me in the months after we'd broken up.

In hindsight it has occurred to me that it may have been the product of subconsciously resenting me because they felt trapped in the relationship; in both cases they described being extremely reluctant to hurt me. Also there wasn't a specific conflict or incident to provide an easier out than having to bite the bullet and sit me down and have the dreaded "it's not you, it's me" conversation, nothing else to break the tension they were evidently feeling because they felt the relationship wasn't working.
posted by XMLicious at 7:09 AM on July 29, 2010

I like to think that my friends and I are normal, but then I started wondering: how many of us go through this period (which passes within 2 weeks at most) where we have these irrational feelings of disgust?

And better, what are some of the meanest things you've ever thought?

"I wish rambling 'Can anyone related to this?' non-questions would be deleted."
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:12 AM on July 29, 2010

Response by poster: ...sorry, I shouldn't post pre-coffee. Yeah, this should be chatfilter. I will slink away now. (slinking away...)
posted by dzaz at 7:12 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

"I wish rambling 'Can anyone related to this?' non-questions would be deleted."

Woops, I should have said "relate," not "related," not that it matters since this thread is sure to be deleted.
posted by Jaltcoh at 7:17 AM on July 29, 2010

Typical sign you're ready to end the relationship. You don't need to justify yourself with a million of your excuses and testimonials from other people on this. Spare yourself (and us) the downward spiral of negativity, break it off already, and start moving on.
posted by lizbunny at 7:17 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

I disagree that this is the "better" part of your question. Chatfilter, but also with elements of meangirl. Or guy. Appears the OP is male.
posted by FlamingBore at 7:28 AM on July 29, 2010

I can remember being on the receiving end of this. Not a happy memory.
posted by zadcat at 7:31 AM on July 29, 2010

Synecdoche. Choice of pen is a seemingly asinine reason to like or dislike someone, but when you're still in the failing relationship, it can handily represent general incompatibility.
posted by Sticherbeast at 7:35 AM on July 29, 2010 [1 favorite]