Retribution sounds pretty darn good right about now.
July 24, 2010 12:07 AM Subscribe
Okay. This is super strange. Someone vandalized my porch in a disgusting and horrible way a few months ago. A few days ago I learned who committed the act and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. This is admittedly a very strange question, but I'm really not sure what I should do.
So... one day I open my door and walk out onto my porch, narrowly avoiding feces smeared all over my rug, and also all over my porch furniture. I was aghast. People don't typically hate me with such passion, and the act confused and disturbed me. I called the police and reported the crime and then had to clean my furniture. I trashed the rug and carefully (disgustedly) cleaned the obviously human feces off of my porch. The act made me question and doubt all of my friends, and put me through a good deal of inner turmoil.
So, flash forward to last week, when the guy I've recently started seeing (G) broke the news to me-- he knew who did it, and after some questioning he admitted it. Turns out the act was committed by a boy (M) I had been seeing at the time. I called it off after a date became weird and pushy (on his end). I was very kind and considerate, and told him "I still really like you as a friend and I'd like you to be a part of my life, but I don't want to lead you on and think we should go back to being just friends." I told him I had no hard feelings, and I thought everything was pretty okay. Then, 4 days later, was the poop incident. The next day I im'ed him online and asked him if he was mad at me, because I was trying to understand who and why could have done such a thing. He denied it and became indignant. Honestly I never thought he'd be capable of such a vile act, but I had to ask. He said he was not mad but that he was embarrassed by how pushy he had been and if I cared about him at all I would never speak to him again. I respected his wishes and haven't spoken to him since. Without evidence my hunch allowed me no retribution, that is, until now.
So, it turns out that he bragged to his friends about how he and one of his friends got drunk and committed this vandalism. That friend to whom he bragged (F) happens to be dating one of my good girl friends (C) and when C asked F upfront "Did M do this?" F told his girlfriend, C, that M did not. This was a lie.
So, F told G who I am now seeing, and G told me. I commended G for his honesty and bravery and discouraged him from ever hanging out with these stupid people ever again. So. Here's the thing. F is anxious that C will break up with him for lying to her (to which I can only reply "well you're the bloody idiot that decided to lie to your girlfriend about something that didn't even involve you") and G is worried that his friends (who are friends with M) will hate him for breaking the news to me.
So, as a kindness to both G and F (both of whom I like as people, though they are obviously imperfect) I told G to break the news to the boys that I do, in fact, know the truth. This almost resulted in a physical fight yesterday between G and M. I spoke with F on the phone and he apologized. I accepted, because he didn't actually do anything directly, and told him that he ought to break the news to C (his girlfriend) that I know and he knows and that he lied to her because it will sound worse coming from me.
So.... that's what has led up to now. I've given F until tomorrow to talk to his girlfriend and I have plans to get together with her tomorrow night, during which she will undoubtedly learn the truth.
I'm uncertain as to how I should act now. On the one hand I desperately want some sort of vengeance, despite the fact that it goes against my nature. I've been, of course, telling all of my friends about it, and therefore his reputation in our town is inevitably going to be tarnished. On the other hand I worry that someone so emotionally unstable might be provoked by any further action on my part. I am very, very angry, and I know for a fact that if I notified the police that the person who did this actually is not a citizen that things would likely be far worse than he may even realize.
So. What now? Ideas that have run through my head are:
Post something on facebook, ousting him and his friend. I am very, very likely to do this.
Make funny fliers that describe the incident and paper the neighborhood with them, especially near where he works.
Or, list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
So, hivemind, what do you think? Any ideas?
So... one day I open my door and walk out onto my porch, narrowly avoiding feces smeared all over my rug, and also all over my porch furniture. I was aghast. People don't typically hate me with such passion, and the act confused and disturbed me. I called the police and reported the crime and then had to clean my furniture. I trashed the rug and carefully (disgustedly) cleaned the obviously human feces off of my porch. The act made me question and doubt all of my friends, and put me through a good deal of inner turmoil.
So, flash forward to last week, when the guy I've recently started seeing (G) broke the news to me-- he knew who did it, and after some questioning he admitted it. Turns out the act was committed by a boy (M) I had been seeing at the time. I called it off after a date became weird and pushy (on his end). I was very kind and considerate, and told him "I still really like you as a friend and I'd like you to be a part of my life, but I don't want to lead you on and think we should go back to being just friends." I told him I had no hard feelings, and I thought everything was pretty okay. Then, 4 days later, was the poop incident. The next day I im'ed him online and asked him if he was mad at me, because I was trying to understand who and why could have done such a thing. He denied it and became indignant. Honestly I never thought he'd be capable of such a vile act, but I had to ask. He said he was not mad but that he was embarrassed by how pushy he had been and if I cared about him at all I would never speak to him again. I respected his wishes and haven't spoken to him since. Without evidence my hunch allowed me no retribution, that is, until now.
So, it turns out that he bragged to his friends about how he and one of his friends got drunk and committed this vandalism. That friend to whom he bragged (F) happens to be dating one of my good girl friends (C) and when C asked F upfront "Did M do this?" F told his girlfriend, C, that M did not. This was a lie.
So, F told G who I am now seeing, and G told me. I commended G for his honesty and bravery and discouraged him from ever hanging out with these stupid people ever again. So. Here's the thing. F is anxious that C will break up with him for lying to her (to which I can only reply "well you're the bloody idiot that decided to lie to your girlfriend about something that didn't even involve you") and G is worried that his friends (who are friends with M) will hate him for breaking the news to me.
So, as a kindness to both G and F (both of whom I like as people, though they are obviously imperfect) I told G to break the news to the boys that I do, in fact, know the truth. This almost resulted in a physical fight yesterday between G and M. I spoke with F on the phone and he apologized. I accepted, because he didn't actually do anything directly, and told him that he ought to break the news to C (his girlfriend) that I know and he knows and that he lied to her because it will sound worse coming from me.
So.... that's what has led up to now. I've given F until tomorrow to talk to his girlfriend and I have plans to get together with her tomorrow night, during which she will undoubtedly learn the truth.
I'm uncertain as to how I should act now. On the one hand I desperately want some sort of vengeance, despite the fact that it goes against my nature. I've been, of course, telling all of my friends about it, and therefore his reputation in our town is inevitably going to be tarnished. On the other hand I worry that someone so emotionally unstable might be provoked by any further action on my part. I am very, very angry, and I know for a fact that if I notified the police that the person who did this actually is not a citizen that things would likely be far worse than he may even realize.
So. What now? Ideas that have run through my head are:
Post something on facebook, ousting him and his friend. I am very, very likely to do this.
Make funny fliers that describe the incident and paper the neighborhood with them, especially near where he works.
Or, list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
So, hivemind, what do you think? Any ideas?
This post was deleted for the following reason: It's a crappy situation and you have my sympathies, but there's a lot of story and not a lot of question here and asking for revenge ideas on askme is pretty much 100% not okay. -- cortex
Or, list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
Wow. Please don't do this.
Also, I think you're being overly harsh on F. It would be good if whatever course of action you take didn't wind up screwing up his personal life. That doesn't seem fair at all.
I guess the flier thing sounds kind of fun, but honestly I'm not sure what you have to gain by escalating a situation with someone who has already demonstrated himself willing to smear feces all over your porch. The grownup thing to do would be either report the vandalism to the police or just let it lie.
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:22 AM on July 24, 2010
Wow. Please don't do this.
Also, I think you're being overly harsh on F. It would be good if whatever course of action you take didn't wind up screwing up his personal life. That doesn't seem fair at all.
I guess the flier thing sounds kind of fun, but honestly I'm not sure what you have to gain by escalating a situation with someone who has already demonstrated himself willing to smear feces all over your porch. The grownup thing to do would be either report the vandalism to the police or just let it lie.
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:22 AM on July 24, 2010
All this high school drama and you want to stir up more of it? This isn't going to get you anywhere but posting another AskMe next week, re: what to do about the phantom shitter who set your car on fire.
posted by secret about box at 12:24 AM on July 24, 2010 [18 favorites]
posted by secret about box at 12:24 AM on July 24, 2010 [18 favorites]
EatTheWeak:
I called the police and reported the crime
posted by secret about box at 12:26 AM on July 24, 2010
I called the police and reported the crime
posted by secret about box at 12:26 AM on July 24, 2010
Oh, whoops, missed that.
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:26 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by EatTheWeek at 12:26 AM on July 24, 2010
The only rational course of action here would have been advising the police of now having an identity for the vandal and letting it go.
You can still update the cops then let it go.
Anything else is just drama and introduces further potential for escalation from someone you've already identified as unstable.
posted by batmonkey at 12:27 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
You can still update the cops then let it go.
Anything else is just drama and introduces further potential for escalation from someone you've already identified as unstable.
posted by batmonkey at 12:27 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Don't be that person to drag your personal drama out to everyone on Facebook.
Don't list his number on Craigslist because he could pursue real legal action against you for that.
That leaves the fliers. It's immature and stupid. Let it go. Tell the police you know who did it, if you want, but getting back at them with some other stupid stunt doesn't make you any better than they are. Take the high road.
posted by Fuego at 12:30 AM on July 24, 2010 [7 favorites]
Don't list his number on Craigslist because he could pursue real legal action against you for that.
That leaves the fliers. It's immature and stupid. Let it go. Tell the police you know who did it, if you want, but getting back at them with some other stupid stunt doesn't make you any better than they are. Take the high road.
posted by Fuego at 12:30 AM on July 24, 2010 [7 favorites]
Stop. Just stop. I understand that you're angry and upset about this crime that has been committed against you, but you're creating a ton of drama here. You're also raising the likelihood that the situation will escalate into more action or even violence on his part. The last few "ideas" you posted are just plain crazy, and you need to calm down.
Here are the sorts of things you're justified in doing:
1) Talking with the people closest to you about your feelings in an effort to feel better and let go of your anger
2) Taking legal action and cooperating with the police investigation into the incident by giving them whatever information and evidence you have
3) Answering honestly any questions asked of you by friends and acquaintances
4) Talking with the alleged perpetrator to ask for an apology or for restitution
Here are the sorts of things you are not justified in doing:
1) Ranting about this to all of your mutual friends in an effort to stir up drama in his life
2) Posting messages about him on the internet
3) Attempting to get him in trouble at work or around his neighborhood by putting up posters
4) Attempting to break up someone else's relationship by stirring up trouble surrounding this with his girlfriend
5) Encouraging strangers on the internet to harass him
6) Basically anything that falls under the category of "vengeance."
Look, I get that you're really, really angry. This was a terrible violation of your trust and your property, and it's awful. But it's also just a stupid drunken prank. No one was injured, your life has gone on much as it did before, and you've lost only a small amount of your property. Moreover, you're dealing with an unstable person who doesn't take kindly to rejection, and there's no good reason to stir him up any further. In 20 years, you'll feel very differently about this. Don't do anything now that will cause you to have to be ashamed then of your behavior. Prove that you're better than this jerk by getting on with your life, letting him know that he means nothing to you and that he's powerless over you.
posted by decathecting at 12:30 AM on July 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
Here are the sorts of things you're justified in doing:
1) Talking with the people closest to you about your feelings in an effort to feel better and let go of your anger
2) Taking legal action and cooperating with the police investigation into the incident by giving them whatever information and evidence you have
3) Answering honestly any questions asked of you by friends and acquaintances
4) Talking with the alleged perpetrator to ask for an apology or for restitution
Here are the sorts of things you are not justified in doing:
1) Ranting about this to all of your mutual friends in an effort to stir up drama in his life
2) Posting messages about him on the internet
3) Attempting to get him in trouble at work or around his neighborhood by putting up posters
4) Attempting to break up someone else's relationship by stirring up trouble surrounding this with his girlfriend
5) Encouraging strangers on the internet to harass him
6) Basically anything that falls under the category of "vengeance."
Look, I get that you're really, really angry. This was a terrible violation of your trust and your property, and it's awful. But it's also just a stupid drunken prank. No one was injured, your life has gone on much as it did before, and you've lost only a small amount of your property. Moreover, you're dealing with an unstable person who doesn't take kindly to rejection, and there's no good reason to stir him up any further. In 20 years, you'll feel very differently about this. Don't do anything now that will cause you to have to be ashamed then of your behavior. Prove that you're better than this jerk by getting on with your life, letting him know that he means nothing to you and that he's powerless over you.
posted by decathecting at 12:30 AM on July 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
i understand your interest in vengeance. But I think the best way to do that is as you have been. Tell all your girlfriends that the guy is a crazy asshole, and that they should not date him. They will most likely tell their other friends, and, lo, vengeance is yours.
Seriously you don't want to go to his level (poop smearing!) because he will go lower.
posted by grapesaresour at 12:37 AM on July 24, 2010
Seriously you don't want to go to his level (poop smearing!) because he will go lower.
posted by grapesaresour at 12:37 AM on July 24, 2010
Just let it go.
I know for a fact that if I notified the police that the person who did this actually is not a citizen that things would likely be far worse than he may even realize.
You know for a fact? You don't even know for a fact that M committed the crime. You have hearsay and rumours, not evidence. You have F who told C he didn't do it and G that he did. He has no credibility. No matter how much you trust G, his information comes from an unreliable source who didn't even witness the crime and is only going on the bragging of M who may not have been telling the truth (did the bragging come before or after you spoke to M about it?)
Tell the police what you've heard but I think you may have unrealistic expectations of what they will do with the information. If M and his friend deny doing it, all they have is F's word that M said he did it, not exactly a slam dunk case.
All your revenge scenarios are likely to lead to more faeces on your property - or worse.
posted by missmagenta at 12:39 AM on July 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
I know for a fact that if I notified the police that the person who did this actually is not a citizen that things would likely be far worse than he may even realize.
You know for a fact? You don't even know for a fact that M committed the crime. You have hearsay and rumours, not evidence. You have F who told C he didn't do it and G that he did. He has no credibility. No matter how much you trust G, his information comes from an unreliable source who didn't even witness the crime and is only going on the bragging of M who may not have been telling the truth (did the bragging come before or after you spoke to M about it?)
Tell the police what you've heard but I think you may have unrealistic expectations of what they will do with the information. If M and his friend deny doing it, all they have is F's word that M said he did it, not exactly a slam dunk case.
All your revenge scenarios are likely to lead to more faeces on your property - or worse.
posted by missmagenta at 12:39 AM on July 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
wild, this person is most likely dealing with problems that you will never get to experience. Be kind to your fellow humanity, even though he wasn't kind to you. Let it go.
posted by halogen at 12:39 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by halogen at 12:39 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
Nevermind the fact that this suggestion makes you sound homophobic. You might not think much of people who seek romance (of any kind) on Craigslist, but they are people just like you and they did not do anything to hurt or bother you. They are hoping to find romance, not looking to get roped into somebody's bizarre revenge fantasy. The fact that you believe you would be justified in 'baiting' them and wasting their time does not indicate that you are a very nice person.
posted by red clover at 12:52 AM on July 24, 2010 [40 favorites]
Nevermind the fact that this suggestion makes you sound homophobic. You might not think much of people who seek romance (of any kind) on Craigslist, but they are people just like you and they did not do anything to hurt or bother you. They are hoping to find romance, not looking to get roped into somebody's bizarre revenge fantasy. The fact that you believe you would be justified in 'baiting' them and wasting their time does not indicate that you are a very nice person.
posted by red clover at 12:52 AM on July 24, 2010 [40 favorites]
The guy's a douche. You've already done the right thing by reporting the incident to the cops (have you talked to your friend if he'd be willing to make a statement, and mentioned to the cops that you have more information regarding the incident?). If some people refuse to talk to you or G because you found out, they weren't really worth the friendship in the first place. Also, lies come back to haunt people -- F screwed up, and he'll have to deal with those consequences. I'm not a fan of hiding the truth from someone I think needs to know it -- if C gets mad at F, well he shouldn't have lied.
Personally telling your friends that you know how it went down is fine. Leave it off the internet.
Vengeance is amusing to think about. I do this a LOT. Actually going out and enacting such vengeance will come back and bite you in the ass every single time.
If he tries something again, report it again. If he's a non-citizen and IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY, I wouldn't shed a tear for when your country's immigration services give him the boot. You don't need to mention his citizenship status, because if the cops talk to and/or arrest him they'll find out quickly enough and react accordingly. All you have to do is sit back and laugh.
posted by Heretical at 12:53 AM on July 24, 2010
Personally telling your friends that you know how it went down is fine. Leave it off the internet.
Vengeance is amusing to think about. I do this a LOT. Actually going out and enacting such vengeance will come back and bite you in the ass every single time.
If he tries something again, report it again. If he's a non-citizen and IN THE COUNTRY ILLEGALLY, I wouldn't shed a tear for when your country's immigration services give him the boot. You don't need to mention his citizenship status, because if the cops talk to and/or arrest him they'll find out quickly enough and react accordingly. All you have to do is sit back and laugh.
posted by Heretical at 12:53 AM on July 24, 2010
Or, list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
How old are you?
posted by special-k at 12:58 AM on July 24, 2010 [14 favorites]
How old are you?
posted by special-k at 12:58 AM on July 24, 2010 [14 favorites]
Post something on facebook, ousting him and his friend. I am very, very likely to do this.
... Or, list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
Are you guys in high school? This sure sounds like it but parts of the rest of your question make it sound like you're an adult. In any case, NO. Dragging this sort of drama on to facebook is a bad idea. Posting his number on craigslist in some sort of LOLGAYS manner is not just a bad idea but offensive and scummy.
I'm uncertain as to how I should act now. On the one hand I desperately want some sort of vengeance, despite the fact that it goes against my nature.
No offense, but your question doesn't make it sound like this goes against your nature. Threatening to have him deported?
Either report who did it to the police (without the HAHA ILLEGALS thing) or just cut him and his friends out of your life. Don't escalate the drama. Don't look for revenge. Report him or cut him out, that's it.
posted by Justinian at 12:59 AM on July 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
... Or, list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
Are you guys in high school? This sure sounds like it but parts of the rest of your question make it sound like you're an adult. In any case, NO. Dragging this sort of drama on to facebook is a bad idea. Posting his number on craigslist in some sort of LOLGAYS manner is not just a bad idea but offensive and scummy.
I'm uncertain as to how I should act now. On the one hand I desperately want some sort of vengeance, despite the fact that it goes against my nature.
No offense, but your question doesn't make it sound like this goes against your nature. Threatening to have him deported?
Either report who did it to the police (without the HAHA ILLEGALS thing) or just cut him and his friends out of your life. Don't escalate the drama. Don't look for revenge. Report him or cut him out, that's it.
posted by Justinian at 12:59 AM on July 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
I feel the best revenge would be to get to the point where you can laugh at the porch poopin'. Because it's a completely ridiculous and as you recognise stupid way for a grown man to act. I'm imagining you in the future throwing a porch poopin' party in honour of your now cleaned up porch, where you and your friends have a good laugh at that nutcase. I imagine the phrase "the porch pooper" being bandied about whenever M's name gets mentioned. I imagine people telling new friends "oh M. Take care, He's a porch pooper!"
But that'll only work when you stop feeling vicious about him and come to an appreciation of how ridiculous the deed was.
I understand your anger - but your anger gives M power. He did it to anger you and every act of revenge will fuel him and make him feel valudated.
The coolest thing would be to ridicule porch poopin' boy to his grave.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:23 AM on July 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
But that'll only work when you stop feeling vicious about him and come to an appreciation of how ridiculous the deed was.
I understand your anger - but your anger gives M power. He did it to anger you and every act of revenge will fuel him and make him feel valudated.
The coolest thing would be to ridicule porch poopin' boy to his grave.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:23 AM on July 24, 2010 [4 favorites]
Update the crime report that you have already made to the police with the perpetrator's identity. And yes, mention to the police that he is not a citizen.
If he is here illegally, report his name and address to the relevant immigration authority.
Calmly mention what he did to your close friends, and to any friend or acquaintance that he starts dating.
Beyond this, let go of the idea of revenge.
Anything else reflects badly on you, and will only stir up unneccessary drama.
posted by Year of meteors at 1:52 AM on July 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
If he is here illegally, report his name and address to the relevant immigration authority.
Calmly mention what he did to your close friends, and to any friend or acquaintance that he starts dating.
Beyond this, let go of the idea of revenge.
Anything else reflects badly on you, and will only stir up unneccessary drama.
posted by Year of meteors at 1:52 AM on July 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Disengage. That's the only approach that will result in any positive outcome.
posted by milarepa at 2:17 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by milarepa at 2:17 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think that you would not be well served by further provoking someone who obviously behaves impulsively. I'm not saying he didn't do it, but beyond yr current boypal's word and the sort of tacit admission of F, you don't have any hard proof that he did. Sending the police to bother him without any hard evidence could make things worse.
I totally understand why you might feel unsafe after someone attacks your house like that, but really the best plan of action is to just disassociate yourself from the ex and really anyone else that might want him around and get on with your life.
posted by orville sash at 2:49 AM on July 24, 2010
I totally understand why you might feel unsafe after someone attacks your house like that, but really the best plan of action is to just disassociate yourself from the ex and really anyone else that might want him around and get on with your life.
posted by orville sash at 2:49 AM on July 24, 2010
Omnomnom has it exactly right. Just chiming in to say that no matter how satisfying revenge seems in your mind, it rarely (ever?) works out like that in real life. Revenge is a clusterfuck, mentally and sometimes physically or legally. Report your updated info to the police and call it a day.
You can and should laugh off the immaturity of the act but still should be recompensed if appropriate and should do your friends and neighbors a favor by reporting it.
posted by maxwelton at 3:06 AM on July 24, 2010
You can and should laugh off the immaturity of the act but still should be recompensed if appropriate and should do your friends and neighbors a favor by reporting it.
posted by maxwelton at 3:06 AM on July 24, 2010
Report it to the police, and let personal vengeance go. It should be reported to the police so that they can close out the incident report. Perhaps you can press charges -- court is usually a good place to diffuse a desire for vengeance while getting safely recompensed for your damages.
Also, don't engage on a personal level with this guy. He sounds severely unstable. This is another reason to update the police -- they can look into putting protective mechanisms in place for you.
posted by motsque at 3:22 AM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Also, don't engage on a personal level with this guy. He sounds severely unstable. This is another reason to update the police -- they can look into putting protective mechanisms in place for you.
posted by motsque at 3:22 AM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Anger is not the appropriate response here. But, you don't necessarily have to act like nothing happened, either. Sometimes in a situation like this, the best thing to do is to be brutally honest and vulnerable. I might even spread the word that you're sad and frightened and you think he's disgusting and you can't understand. That will have a greater chance of affecting someone who BRAGS about pulling vile pranks like this than anger or revenge could. If you feel you need to publically react, I might even err on the side of crying or distancing yourself from your entire social group, to be honest. It might teach M a lesson not to, excuse the expression,"shit where you eat" (meaning, do anything criminal to someone close in the chain of your general social grapevine) Also, get some new friends, seriously. This makes me wonder if you're in high school with all the A who knows B who's dating C who's A's brother's friend's cousin who hates B but loves D blah blah blah stuff.
posted by Nixy at 3:39 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by Nixy at 3:39 AM on July 24, 2010
Or, list his number on craigslist as looking for homosexual romance.
THIS is vile. Not poopy vile, and yet a shitty thing to do to gay folks in general and especially anyone who calls that number.
And what do you imagine it will accomplish, anyway? You'll get your revenge by getting him offers that (presumably) he will find disgusting? Nice. Also, homophobic. Please don't use gay men as a bogeyman, they've had QUITE enough of that.
posted by desuetude at 3:55 AM on July 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
THIS is vile. Not poopy vile, and yet a shitty thing to do to gay folks in general and especially anyone who calls that number.
And what do you imagine it will accomplish, anyway? You'll get your revenge by getting him offers that (presumably) he will find disgusting? Nice. Also, homophobic. Please don't use gay men as a bogeyman, they've had QUITE enough of that.
posted by desuetude at 3:55 AM on July 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
Also, get some new friends, seriously.
This was my thought. Poo on porch plus despicable CL lolz-homo stuff = good opportunity to step back and ponder how you ended up here. "This almost resulted in a physical fight yesterday between G and M..." Come on man, you're running with a scuzzy crowd. Poo on porch stuff happens when you choose to do that, y'know?
Update the police (NOT mentioning his citizenship status) only as part of a genuine "I am going to take this opportunity to draw clear boundaries between myself and the poo-porch people" life overhaul. Otherwise, go with the Facebook hijinx, with the understanding that life isn't going to get any better than this.
posted by kmennie at 4:01 AM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
This was my thought. Poo on porch plus despicable CL lolz-homo stuff = good opportunity to step back and ponder how you ended up here. "This almost resulted in a physical fight yesterday between G and M..." Come on man, you're running with a scuzzy crowd. Poo on porch stuff happens when you choose to do that, y'know?
Update the police (NOT mentioning his citizenship status) only as part of a genuine "I am going to take this opportunity to draw clear boundaries between myself and the poo-porch people" life overhaul. Otherwise, go with the Facebook hijinx, with the understanding that life isn't going to get any better than this.
posted by kmennie at 4:01 AM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just call the police. Give them the names of the guy and his friends that you believe know about the incident. Most likely scenario, they'll interview this friends first and then use that info to get him to confess.
There's not really much need to bring up his citizenship status; it'll come up in the course of the investigation.
If you want, you can request help on getting some form of (depending on your state and circumstances) no-contact/restraining/stalking order against this dude so if he ever contacts you or bothers you again he can be arrested.
posted by Menthol at 4:31 AM on July 24, 2010
There's not really much need to bring up his citizenship status; it'll come up in the course of the investigation.
If you want, you can request help on getting some form of (depending on your state and circumstances) no-contact/restraining/stalking order against this dude so if he ever contacts you or bothers you again he can be arrested.
posted by Menthol at 4:31 AM on July 24, 2010
delete all the drama, call the police and inform them of the information you now have, and decline to interact with this person (and/or his friends that were in on it, or knew about it and didn't tell you)...case closed...
In other words, treat this as a crime, not an interpersonal counseling issue.
posted by HuronBob at 4:45 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
In other words, treat this as a crime, not an interpersonal counseling issue.
posted by HuronBob at 4:45 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Telling the police that this was done by a rejected ex will probably push a few stalker buttons - as it should; this is not a normal drunken angry prank. I think that, and freely sharing this incident with - well, anyone you want to tell about it (in person, not on facebook) is all the vengeance you should expect outside of an adam sandler movie.
posted by lemniskate at 5:00 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lemniskate at 5:00 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm also interested in how old you are. It may seem trivial but if you are 19 that's one thing, but if you are in your 30s or older then the answer changes.
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 5:04 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by (Arsenio) Hall and (Warren) Oates at 5:04 AM on July 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
"People don't typically hate me with such passion" -- that's good, but you might want to consider what all of your LOL-GAYS and LOL-DEPORTATION and LOL-FB-DRAMZ and LOL-HUMILIATION says about you, and how it might lead to the kind of hate you're trying to avoid.
ESPECIALLY the lolgays. you want to put other people -- HAHA, GAY PEOPLE! -- in the range of this shit-smear guy?! like, HAHA, who cares if HOMOS get the shit smear guy. is your sentiment, "HAHA SHIT SMEAR'S A HOMOPHOBE SO IT'LL PISS HIM OFF?" that's so unsafe i could barf.
this just happened two days ago, fyi.
homophobia -- SO FUNNY.
your use of this as a "JOKE" has my own passionate hatred stirred over here, and i haven't even had my coffee yet. i implore you, for the safety of the gay people who might call this dude, DO NOT DO THIS.
posted by crawfo at 5:11 AM on July 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
ESPECIALLY the lolgays. you want to put other people -- HAHA, GAY PEOPLE! -- in the range of this shit-smear guy?! like, HAHA, who cares if HOMOS get the shit smear guy. is your sentiment, "HAHA SHIT SMEAR'S A HOMOPHOBE SO IT'LL PISS HIM OFF?" that's so unsafe i could barf.
this just happened two days ago, fyi.
homophobia -- SO FUNNY.
your use of this as a "JOKE" has my own passionate hatred stirred over here, and i haven't even had my coffee yet. i implore you, for the safety of the gay people who might call this dude, DO NOT DO THIS.
posted by crawfo at 5:11 AM on July 24, 2010 [5 favorites]
Oh, I wish some people would understand sarcasm when they read it. Do they really think that the poster, who has come here asking for advice, would seriously do the Craigslist thing?
Chips on shoulders much? Build a bridge and get over it.
FWIW, Wild Like Kuzu, I understood that was a joke. Ignore the over-sensitive ones who are screeching 'HOMOPHOBIC!' at you. They're the same people who screeched that I am a bad mother because I was frustrated enough to joke about not being able to lock my son in his bedroom. A sense of humour goes a long way towards keeping you sane, and people stamping on that piss me off.
What would I do in your situation? It's tricky. I'd probably try to do the 'best revenge is a fabulous life' thing. I'd probably try to make it clear to them that they don't scare me, they don't irritate me... I find their childish behavour amusing. I'd laugh at them, and I would also mention them on Facebook. Not by name, but by hinting.
Farting on command might be handy. :)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 5:39 AM on July 24, 2010
Chips on shoulders much? Build a bridge and get over it.
FWIW, Wild Like Kuzu, I understood that was a joke. Ignore the over-sensitive ones who are screeching 'HOMOPHOBIC!' at you. They're the same people who screeched that I am a bad mother because I was frustrated enough to joke about not being able to lock my son in his bedroom. A sense of humour goes a long way towards keeping you sane, and people stamping on that piss me off.
What would I do in your situation? It's tricky. I'd probably try to do the 'best revenge is a fabulous life' thing. I'd probably try to make it clear to them that they don't scare me, they don't irritate me... I find their childish behavour amusing. I'd laugh at them, and I would also mention them on Facebook. Not by name, but by hinting.
Farting on command might be handy. :)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 5:39 AM on July 24, 2010
The OP is 22 or 23. Old enough to know better than all this, but hardly the first 22 year old to still be in high school drama mode.
In the meantime, call the police and tell them who did it. I don't believe his citizenship will be at all relevant, though his immigration status which is an entirely separate thing might. Forget everything else you said. Not just the fantasies of revenge, but also all the inter-friend drama. This will ensure that when you're 30 you'll have one less thing to look back on with regret as you remember the foolishness of your youth. Seriously, do any of this stuff now and you'll feel stupid about it in a few years (I hope). Also, it is dangerous, homophobic, immature and possibly legally actionable.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:48 AM on July 24, 2010
In the meantime, call the police and tell them who did it. I don't believe his citizenship will be at all relevant, though his immigration status which is an entirely separate thing might. Forget everything else you said. Not just the fantasies of revenge, but also all the inter-friend drama. This will ensure that when you're 30 you'll have one less thing to look back on with regret as you remember the foolishness of your youth. Seriously, do any of this stuff now and you'll feel stupid about it in a few years (I hope). Also, it is dangerous, homophobic, immature and possibly legally actionable.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 5:48 AM on July 24, 2010
Go to the police _immediately_ with this. Anyone who smears shit on your stuff after being dumped is....really unstable. Really, none of us want to this the news. "Four days before her murder, Kudzu posted in an internet forum..."
Seriously, this is crazyman stuff and you need to talk to the cops. I dunno what it takes to get a restraining order where you are, but that wouldn't be a terrible idea, either.
posted by pjaust at 5:49 AM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Seriously, this is crazyman stuff and you need to talk to the cops. I dunno what it takes to get a restraining order where you are, but that wouldn't be a terrible idea, either.
posted by pjaust at 5:49 AM on July 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
So dump me in with the overly PC crowd, malibustacey9999, but I think the point people are making above is that writing off homophobia as a joke doesn't mean it's not homophobia. People thought Amos and Andy was hee-larious back in the day, too.
posted by ga$money at 5:58 AM on July 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by ga$money at 5:58 AM on July 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Report new evidence to police, provide details of witnesses and proceed to press charges. A grown man smearing shit on your property because his ego took a knock needs to learn some hard legal lessons.
posted by R.Stornoway at 6:12 AM on July 24, 2010
posted by R.Stornoway at 6:12 AM on July 24, 2010
Hi!
It sounds to me like this is your first experience with a couple things. This is going to be a great learning experience for you all told.
1. He said "if I cared about him at all I would never speak to him again."
BTW, this is not a thing that a healthy person says to another person. This is something dramatic that someone heard in a Britney Spears song or on a soap opera once. If anyone says things like this to you in the future, a little red flag should go up in your mind. On that flag is printed the words "I'M CRAZY!"
2. "That friend to whom he bragged (F) happens to be dating one of my good girl friends (C) and when C asked F upfront "Did M do this?" F told his girlfriend, C, that M did not."
Is this a "True Blood" plot line? How can so many people be in so many people's business at once?
3. "I desperately want some sort of vengeance, despite the fact that it goes against my nature."
It's either one or the other of these things, actually.
4. "I've given F until tomorrow to talk to his girlfriend."
Ultimatum! Drama! Making demands!
5. Your question, after all this, is: "What now?"
What now? Well, who do you want to be? Already there's people lying to each other and maybe breaking up and starting physical fights and people smearing porches with shit and dramatic confrontations and demands and people forming alliances and every conceivable variety of drama! I'm sure everyone is really getting their rocks off over all this but maybe it's time to spend a nice quiet morning in the vegetable patch doing some weeding or something. Maybe it's time to take a good look at your goals and the way you want to be living your life. I also think you should consider picking up and leaving town. Or at least the neighborhood—because, although I'm sure we're not hearing the good parts about your life in your question, it sounds like you're living in a toxic waste dump.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:32 AM on July 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
It sounds to me like this is your first experience with a couple things. This is going to be a great learning experience for you all told.
1. He said "if I cared about him at all I would never speak to him again."
BTW, this is not a thing that a healthy person says to another person. This is something dramatic that someone heard in a Britney Spears song or on a soap opera once. If anyone says things like this to you in the future, a little red flag should go up in your mind. On that flag is printed the words "I'M CRAZY!"
2. "That friend to whom he bragged (F) happens to be dating one of my good girl friends (C) and when C asked F upfront "Did M do this?" F told his girlfriend, C, that M did not."
Is this a "True Blood" plot line? How can so many people be in so many people's business at once?
3. "I desperately want some sort of vengeance, despite the fact that it goes against my nature."
It's either one or the other of these things, actually.
4. "I've given F until tomorrow to talk to his girlfriend."
Ultimatum! Drama! Making demands!
5. Your question, after all this, is: "What now?"
What now? Well, who do you want to be? Already there's people lying to each other and maybe breaking up and starting physical fights and people smearing porches with shit and dramatic confrontations and demands and people forming alliances and every conceivable variety of drama! I'm sure everyone is really getting their rocks off over all this but maybe it's time to spend a nice quiet morning in the vegetable patch doing some weeding or something. Maybe it's time to take a good look at your goals and the way you want to be living your life. I also think you should consider picking up and leaving town. Or at least the neighborhood—because, although I'm sure we're not hearing the good parts about your life in your question, it sounds like you're living in a toxic waste dump.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:32 AM on July 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
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On the other hand I worry that someone so emotionally unstable might be provoked by any further action on my part.
You should be worried by this.
I have, sadly, wronged and been wronged by numerous people, but I've never heard of anyone doing something so utterly ... vile, especially in response to such a minor slight. I mean, that would never even occur to me. I submit that someone who would conceive of and subsequently execute such a plan is not someone you want to get into an escalating revenge-war with. You will lose. Take what you know to the police, if you want, and then try to let it go.
posted by mellifluous at 12:19 AM on July 24, 2010 [7 favorites]