This guy's a jerk, and I can't deal.
June 7, 2010 9:56 AM Subscribe
Help me through this terrible situation with a fellow student/ex-acquaintance and our mutual friends. Very long story inside:
I am an adult student putting myself through school. I have a well paying full time job, I pay rent, I am getting married, etc. I am not your typical college student, but I've fallen in with some younger kids who have similar interests.
"Sam" is one of those kids. When I first met him, he was interesting and seemed to know what he was talking about more than most kids I'd met at school. He introduced me to a nice crowd of talented folks of varying ages. We started hanging out as a group to discuss our interests. Then, he became fiercely competitive.
I am not a competitive person by nature. I'm happy to accept that I am not great a lot of things and decent at a few. I also don't have the time in my life right now to sit down and get serious about it. I am still learning, and I have a long road ahead of me. So, when Sam started competing with me, I guess I wasn't quite ready for what that meant. I definitely wasn't ready for how serious things would get.
A month or so ago, I won first place in a talent contest based on our similar interest. Our professors pressured us to enter this contest (the last time it ran, I decided against entering), so I gave it a shot. I was delightfully surprised that I turned out to be talented at something that interests me. I didn't think I was going to win. I didn't brag.
Unfortunately, Sam placed second. This made him furious. He made many excuses about why this could have happened. He spoke to professors. This only hurt him more. He found out that I was the only unanimous winner (among three judges, they had to agree on all of the winners). He found out that most professor expected me to win. It was ugly, and I felt worse about winning than I should have. I regretted entering the contest.
After that, our relationship was strained. I very much enjoyed having a workshop-type group. Everyone was talented, even though I may not have been the biggest fan of everyone's work. (This would come back to me later). I thought I could speak openly to him about how I wasn't a fan of a particular work. This didn't seem wrong to me, as I knew that person was talented and I wasn't insulting their work in general, and I never insulted their personal character. I am capable of respecting and acknowledging that they are talented while not being interested in their work on some level.
He frequently lashed out at me (of all people) for scheduling problems that we were having, even when they weren't directly mine.
We had a big discussion after I mentioned I was thinking about starting a club (Student Secular Alliance), and he called it (and my beliefs) a huge waste of time and harassed me about it after I attempted to explain myself. (His logic is the funniest/worst part of the story: he claims to believe that the USA should be a Christian nation because the majority of the nation is Christian and in democracy the "majority rules", and then he proceeded to talk about how concerned he was with the persecution of gay people in Uganda. After that, I just tried to move on. It became clear that he isn't the most logical/sane person after this discussion. Let's not talk about political stuff anymore, though!)
Cutting to the breaking point(s) of this story:
1. There is a school-sponsored club related to our similar interest. I have never been able to make it to this club because of my crazy life/full-time work schedule. Sam was planning on keeping it afloat during the summer, and asked me if I would be interested in going. I told him, very specifically, that it depends on the time and day. I told him what days I would be available, and what times worked for me. Eventually, the time that worked out best for everyone was a bit too early for me to make on a regular basis, so I told him I'd be willing to make it a bit late once in a while, but I never expected him to hold anything up for me. Last week, I was not able to make the school-sponsored club.
2. I have a private website which includes my personal work. I share it with close friends and interested family. I decided that, after so much negativity and hurtfulness, I no longer wanted him to have access to this site. I didn't tell him I was taking him off, I just did it. This also happened sometime last week.
Fast forward to Sunday. I wake up with a 13 paragraph email that this kid typed to me on his Blackberry in the middle of the night. It was horribly hurtful. Among some things said where:
1. This was the first line: "Lately, you have been highly annoying for a plethora of reasons, which hasn't been as surprising as your degree of immaturity."
2. "Anyway, I thought I'd make a short list of the various ways you have been bothersome to me."
3. "And, I tire of the insincerity...And the way you curl your bottom lip as someone bears their bad news, like that could be mistaken for a sympathetic gesture." (This is actually what my face does when I cry. Maybe I'm fake crying all the time? I don't know.)
4. "Moreover, your arrogance has been deeply frustrating, particularly since I am the one always accused of it."
5. "You've displayed an utter lack of respect and I'm tired of it." (This is related to the school-sponsored club, which I made very clear I wouldn't be able to attend often.)
6. And the last line: "I don't hate you, if you're wondering, that's too much for me to invest, caring so little what develops. I'll be elsewhere in the fall, and discontinuing our relationship won't really impede my development and probably not yours."
There are many more instances of awful things he said, but they require me to explain things, and I've already taken up too much of your time. It's clear that this person is slightly off, so I have no interest in even responding or giving him the satisfaction of... anything.
Please help me:
1. This was hurtful for me on a personal level. No one has ever said things like this about me. Ever. I was bullied a bit in middle school, but that was different. I have general and a bit social anxiety, and I can't help but think I've been doing something wrong to everyone I know. I need to get past this without going to all my friends for validation.
2. I see Sam several days a week at school. We have to be in the same room together for a couple hours on those days. How do I keep my cool? I don't mean in the "I'll beat him up" kind of way. In the not breaking down in a panic attack kind of way.
3. The people in our workshop group are all talented non-crazy people. I would like to continue seeing and working with them, but I'm afraid to contact them because he may have said horrible things about me to them that are insulting and untrue.
4. To top this situation off, this past year has been a pretty stressful one for me. As I mentioned above, I work full time, and I have been attempting to go to school full time as well. It's really been very stressful without all this stupid drama.
What advice do you have for me? Should I drop this class, or deal with him for the next 3 weeks. How can I get through this. Should I contact those people and offer to explain my "side" over coffee? Do you think I did act incorrectly?
Thanks!
I am an adult student putting myself through school. I have a well paying full time job, I pay rent, I am getting married, etc. I am not your typical college student, but I've fallen in with some younger kids who have similar interests.
"Sam" is one of those kids. When I first met him, he was interesting and seemed to know what he was talking about more than most kids I'd met at school. He introduced me to a nice crowd of talented folks of varying ages. We started hanging out as a group to discuss our interests. Then, he became fiercely competitive.
I am not a competitive person by nature. I'm happy to accept that I am not great a lot of things and decent at a few. I also don't have the time in my life right now to sit down and get serious about it. I am still learning, and I have a long road ahead of me. So, when Sam started competing with me, I guess I wasn't quite ready for what that meant. I definitely wasn't ready for how serious things would get.
A month or so ago, I won first place in a talent contest based on our similar interest. Our professors pressured us to enter this contest (the last time it ran, I decided against entering), so I gave it a shot. I was delightfully surprised that I turned out to be talented at something that interests me. I didn't think I was going to win. I didn't brag.
Unfortunately, Sam placed second. This made him furious. He made many excuses about why this could have happened. He spoke to professors. This only hurt him more. He found out that I was the only unanimous winner (among three judges, they had to agree on all of the winners). He found out that most professor expected me to win. It was ugly, and I felt worse about winning than I should have. I regretted entering the contest.
After that, our relationship was strained. I very much enjoyed having a workshop-type group. Everyone was talented, even though I may not have been the biggest fan of everyone's work. (This would come back to me later). I thought I could speak openly to him about how I wasn't a fan of a particular work. This didn't seem wrong to me, as I knew that person was talented and I wasn't insulting their work in general, and I never insulted their personal character. I am capable of respecting and acknowledging that they are talented while not being interested in their work on some level.
He frequently lashed out at me (of all people) for scheduling problems that we were having, even when they weren't directly mine.
We had a big discussion after I mentioned I was thinking about starting a club (Student Secular Alliance), and he called it (and my beliefs) a huge waste of time and harassed me about it after I attempted to explain myself. (His logic is the funniest/worst part of the story: he claims to believe that the USA should be a Christian nation because the majority of the nation is Christian and in democracy the "majority rules", and then he proceeded to talk about how concerned he was with the persecution of gay people in Uganda. After that, I just tried to move on. It became clear that he isn't the most logical/sane person after this discussion. Let's not talk about political stuff anymore, though!)
Cutting to the breaking point(s) of this story:
1. There is a school-sponsored club related to our similar interest. I have never been able to make it to this club because of my crazy life/full-time work schedule. Sam was planning on keeping it afloat during the summer, and asked me if I would be interested in going. I told him, very specifically, that it depends on the time and day. I told him what days I would be available, and what times worked for me. Eventually, the time that worked out best for everyone was a bit too early for me to make on a regular basis, so I told him I'd be willing to make it a bit late once in a while, but I never expected him to hold anything up for me. Last week, I was not able to make the school-sponsored club.
2. I have a private website which includes my personal work. I share it with close friends and interested family. I decided that, after so much negativity and hurtfulness, I no longer wanted him to have access to this site. I didn't tell him I was taking him off, I just did it. This also happened sometime last week.
Fast forward to Sunday. I wake up with a 13 paragraph email that this kid typed to me on his Blackberry in the middle of the night. It was horribly hurtful. Among some things said where:
1. This was the first line: "Lately, you have been highly annoying for a plethora of reasons, which hasn't been as surprising as your degree of immaturity."
2. "Anyway, I thought I'd make a short list of the various ways you have been bothersome to me."
3. "And, I tire of the insincerity...And the way you curl your bottom lip as someone bears their bad news, like that could be mistaken for a sympathetic gesture." (This is actually what my face does when I cry. Maybe I'm fake crying all the time? I don't know.)
4. "Moreover, your arrogance has been deeply frustrating, particularly since I am the one always accused of it."
5. "You've displayed an utter lack of respect and I'm tired of it." (This is related to the school-sponsored club, which I made very clear I wouldn't be able to attend often.)
6. And the last line: "I don't hate you, if you're wondering, that's too much for me to invest, caring so little what develops. I'll be elsewhere in the fall, and discontinuing our relationship won't really impede my development and probably not yours."
There are many more instances of awful things he said, but they require me to explain things, and I've already taken up too much of your time. It's clear that this person is slightly off, so I have no interest in even responding or giving him the satisfaction of... anything.
Please help me:
1. This was hurtful for me on a personal level. No one has ever said things like this about me. Ever. I was bullied a bit in middle school, but that was different. I have general and a bit social anxiety, and I can't help but think I've been doing something wrong to everyone I know. I need to get past this without going to all my friends for validation.
2. I see Sam several days a week at school. We have to be in the same room together for a couple hours on those days. How do I keep my cool? I don't mean in the "I'll beat him up" kind of way. In the not breaking down in a panic attack kind of way.
3. The people in our workshop group are all talented non-crazy people. I would like to continue seeing and working with them, but I'm afraid to contact them because he may have said horrible things about me to them that are insulting and untrue.
4. To top this situation off, this past year has been a pretty stressful one for me. As I mentioned above, I work full time, and I have been attempting to go to school full time as well. It's really been very stressful without all this stupid drama.
What advice do you have for me? Should I drop this class, or deal with him for the next 3 weeks. How can I get through this. Should I contact those people and offer to explain my "side" over coffee? Do you think I did act incorrectly?
Thanks!
It's only three weeks, stick it through... don't drop the class and give him that type of control over you. Ignore him, if he approaches you excuse yourself and go elsewhere in the room, or to the bathroom, or whatever. If he continues ask him to please stop and talk to the professor, it's now become harrassment.
If you see his behavior as odd, chances are very good that other people see it in the same light. Give your other friends credit for that perception and continue with them as usual.
posted by HuronBob at 10:09 AM on June 7, 2010
If you see his behavior as odd, chances are very good that other people see it in the same light. Give your other friends credit for that perception and continue with them as usual.
posted by HuronBob at 10:09 AM on June 7, 2010
He's the one who is invested, clearly, and is projecting like a mofo. The only way he can hurt you is if you let all of his nasty energy into your head, which you have been, unfortunately.
Just keep being the same you you have been all along. He's the only one with a problem with you, and his noise about you will get tiresome to others.
Ignore him. Don't seek him out, be polite but detached when you must work together. Don't negotiate with him, don't go out of your way to accommodate him, just you do your thing and he does his.
Whenever he gets under your skin, just repeat to yourself: "Rise above.... rise above....." and leave him behind you like the insignificant little blot he is. Think of your life in five, ten years time and what a small paragraph he will be in the story of your life.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 10:10 AM on June 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
Just keep being the same you you have been all along. He's the only one with a problem with you, and his noise about you will get tiresome to others.
Ignore him. Don't seek him out, be polite but detached when you must work together. Don't negotiate with him, don't go out of your way to accommodate him, just you do your thing and he does his.
Whenever he gets under your skin, just repeat to yourself: "Rise above.... rise above....." and leave him behind you like the insignificant little blot he is. Think of your life in five, ten years time and what a small paragraph he will be in the story of your life.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 10:10 AM on June 7, 2010 [3 favorites]
I would write this guy off as 'crazy'. Whatever he's got going on in his head is all him. You can't do anything about it, nor should you. Treat him with distance and kindness and politeness, maybe a touch of sympathy, as you might for any random rambling crazy or mentally disadvantaged stranger. Anything he says to you, in person or in text, just take it as the ramblings of a madman and let it slide off you. Keep doing stuff with your friends. They've probably noticed Sam's crazy too, and even if he's said something about you, they'll consider the source, and, you can prove him wrong by just being you. You have enough on your plate, as you say; this guy is not your responsibility. Let him go.
posted by The otter lady at 10:13 AM on June 7, 2010 [8 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 10:13 AM on June 7, 2010 [8 favorites]
1. He's a kid. From what you say here, he sounds immature even for rather lax college standards. You are an adult. You have proved yourself multiple times in your life at work and at home. You can ignore Sam because his opinion doesn't count. You are not playing in the same league. This is not arrogance on your part, it's an objective assessment of your relative developments.
2. Ignore Sam in class as much as possible. If he actively tries to make your life difficult, discuss it with the professor. It is part of the professor's job to keep the class functioning, and, if a student's behavior interferes, to deal with it.
3. Contact them. If they act weird ask why and take it from there. It is important to realize, however, as an older student, your relationships with younger students will be, pretty much by definition, different from their relationships with each other. In some ways, you will never be "part of the group." This is actually a feature rather than a bug. This doesn't mean you can't be friendly, but it does affect the kind of friends you can be. Not respecting this difference may be part of your problem with Sam.
4. Focus on what is important -- your job, your home life, and your school work. I did a full-time job/graduate school thing for two years. Just remove your energy from the drama, and it pretty much withers. It may not feel like that at first, but it does work.
Don't drop the class. Ignore Sam as much as possible. Keep records of your interactions, especially emails. You may need these if you are driven to harassment proceedings (most colleges have pretty clear conduct policies; learn them ans use them if necessary). And, especially keep in mind that, as an older student, you are at a very different place in your life than "traditional undergraduates." This will affect your interactions -- accept this.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:16 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
2. Ignore Sam in class as much as possible. If he actively tries to make your life difficult, discuss it with the professor. It is part of the professor's job to keep the class functioning, and, if a student's behavior interferes, to deal with it.
3. Contact them. If they act weird ask why and take it from there. It is important to realize, however, as an older student, your relationships with younger students will be, pretty much by definition, different from their relationships with each other. In some ways, you will never be "part of the group." This is actually a feature rather than a bug. This doesn't mean you can't be friendly, but it does affect the kind of friends you can be. Not respecting this difference may be part of your problem with Sam.
4. Focus on what is important -- your job, your home life, and your school work. I did a full-time job/graduate school thing for two years. Just remove your energy from the drama, and it pretty much withers. It may not feel like that at first, but it does work.
Don't drop the class. Ignore Sam as much as possible. Keep records of your interactions, especially emails. You may need these if you are driven to harassment proceedings (most colleges have pretty clear conduct policies; learn them ans use them if necessary). And, especially keep in mind that, as an older student, you are at a very different place in your life than "traditional undergraduates." This will affect your interactions -- accept this.
posted by GenjiandProust at 10:16 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I meant Among some things said were: Apologies for terrible grammar.
Thanks for the great responses so far.
posted by Lizsterr at 10:16 AM on June 7, 2010
Thanks for the great responses so far.
posted by Lizsterr at 10:16 AM on June 7, 2010
I know it is upsetting to you, but one of the best things you could do would be to print out the entire email, show it to your workshop group and explain that you will not be directly speaking with Sam but you thought they should be aware of the reason. I am sure they have already picked up on his crazy and reading a 13 paragraph nutty screed may bring forth other people in the group he has been bullying. I would show your professor too as part of a request to have consideration from the prof in not putting you into group work / sitting together.
You will get through the next three weeks. I promise. You are stronger than you think.
posted by saucysault at 10:17 AM on June 7, 2010
You will get through the next three weeks. I promise. You are stronger than you think.
posted by saucysault at 10:17 AM on June 7, 2010
Look, nutbars need to direct their issues somewhere. At the moment it's you. In time it will be someone else. I don't say this to make you feel better about when it will pass, but to let you know that sooner rather than later this chap's behaviour will cause him to be an issue to more than just you.
I would trust in your workshop group. This kind of narcissistic competitiveness - and a thirteen paragraph email is pretty good indication of this - must be fed. His optimum goal - whether he knows it or not - is to sow insecurity so that he can thrive. Generally people who spend a fair bit of time with one another quickly work out this pattern of behaviour. In the short term maybe people do hear that you're an axe murderer or bunny boiler. However, when you're not around the next nearest threat will get the same treatment. Sam is unlikely to be able to work the crowds for long enough to sustain this version of reality.
I appreciate its stressful. There are avenues you can go to - like your professors to ask for both advice or action. You need to get in the thinking that this isn't and was never about you. Don't feed this chap's rampant narcissism by thinking about him for a second longer than you have to.
I can't tell you what to do in terms of quitting or not. However, quitting does seem like a real shame and, dammit, a victory for this human turd. I like to think I wouldn't quit, and on that basis I'd say don't. I would also add again that his pattern of behaviour is destructive and is probably not sustainable in the long term. You are the best judge but he may simply burn too many bridges too quickly.
Finally: don't engage him, and don't give him ammunition to feed off. If he starts lecturing you about your many and several supposed failings turn on your heel and walk off. If he demands an explanation look him clearly in the eye and say "we're done here." And walk off.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:18 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
I would trust in your workshop group. This kind of narcissistic competitiveness - and a thirteen paragraph email is pretty good indication of this - must be fed. His optimum goal - whether he knows it or not - is to sow insecurity so that he can thrive. Generally people who spend a fair bit of time with one another quickly work out this pattern of behaviour. In the short term maybe people do hear that you're an axe murderer or bunny boiler. However, when you're not around the next nearest threat will get the same treatment. Sam is unlikely to be able to work the crowds for long enough to sustain this version of reality.
I appreciate its stressful. There are avenues you can go to - like your professors to ask for both advice or action. You need to get in the thinking that this isn't and was never about you. Don't feed this chap's rampant narcissism by thinking about him for a second longer than you have to.
I can't tell you what to do in terms of quitting or not. However, quitting does seem like a real shame and, dammit, a victory for this human turd. I like to think I wouldn't quit, and on that basis I'd say don't. I would also add again that his pattern of behaviour is destructive and is probably not sustainable in the long term. You are the best judge but he may simply burn too many bridges too quickly.
Finally: don't engage him, and don't give him ammunition to feed off. If he starts lecturing you about your many and several supposed failings turn on your heel and walk off. If he demands an explanation look him clearly in the eye and say "we're done here." And walk off.
posted by MuffinMan at 10:18 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
I agree with the preceding comments, and I will just re-state their position in my own way. This unpleasant person has announced the end of your relationship, and you can accept that it is over. If you continue to see him you need not speak to him; you have no relationship with him. If he should choose to speak to you, you can remind him that you no longer have any relationship with him. If the mutual friends that the two of you have are concerned about this situation, they will talk to you about it and give you an opportunity to explain your position. They may not even be concerned, however. It is probably obvious to a lot of people that your former friend is deranged and should not be taken seriously. And those who do take him seriously probably are also deranged. You don't have to be friends with everyone, it's not possible. Just move on with your life.
posted by grizzled at 10:21 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by grizzled at 10:21 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sam sounds like a mix between an immature jerk and the classic bright college student who has to get used to no longer being a big fish in a small pond. Worse, he's seen that he can needle you and upset you, so can feel like a big man in that way, if not academically etc. It's a toxic combination and miserable for you, but I think you should stick to your course. The other students will also know how toxic he is, or realise it eventually. Don't bother explaining anything to others. They will see it themselves. (To be honest, if I was amongst them, and you talked to me so over coffee, I'd start suspecting your motives and wonder if you'd said something exceptionally nasty about me to Sam, and were now worried it might get back to me).
More to the point, I think your stress and over-work might be manifesting itself in your reaction to this guy. I would suggest you try to make it through the next 3 weeks, and simultaneously do whatever works for you to reduce stress: exercise, meditation, even see a counsellor or go for group counselling through your university. That's what I think you should try to work on, and try to recognise that Sam is jerkwad unworthy of your notice.
posted by tavegyl at 10:22 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
More to the point, I think your stress and over-work might be manifesting itself in your reaction to this guy. I would suggest you try to make it through the next 3 weeks, and simultaneously do whatever works for you to reduce stress: exercise, meditation, even see a counsellor or go for group counselling through your university. That's what I think you should try to work on, and try to recognise that Sam is jerkwad unworthy of your notice.
posted by tavegyl at 10:22 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know it is upsetting to you, but one of the best things you could do would be to print out the entire email, show it to your workshop group and explain that you will not be directly speaking with Sam but you thought they should be aware of the reason.
I think this is a bad idea, dragging other people into your private correspondence with this guy. That just escalates the drama. If it comes up in conversation, I would just say that the two of you had a falling out and leave it at that. Meanwhile, you've got to get this guy out of your head. Repeat to yourself over and over: He's crazy, and his opinion doesn't matter.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:27 AM on June 7, 2010 [31 favorites]
I think this is a bad idea, dragging other people into your private correspondence with this guy. That just escalates the drama. If it comes up in conversation, I would just say that the two of you had a falling out and leave it at that. Meanwhile, you've got to get this guy out of your head. Repeat to yourself over and over: He's crazy, and his opinion doesn't matter.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:27 AM on June 7, 2010 [31 favorites]
I know it is upsetting to you, but one of the best things you could do would be to print out the entire email, show it to your workshop group
This is terrible advice. I'd regard anyone showing me private email correspondence as a drama-seeking nutjob and stay far away from them.
I do not actually think you're a drama-seeking nutjob, which is why I hope you won't do this. I think that for your sanity, you must hold your head high and simply ignore any indignity he heaps upon you. There is a Buddhist story in which a nobleman heaps abuse on the Buddha and is stunned when the Buddha does not react. The Buddha asks him whether he ever had people over for dinner, and when he replied that he did, he asked what he did with the leftover food. The nobleman replied that he kept it for himself. The Buddha said that it was just the same with abuse; if you don't accept it, it returns to the abuser.
posted by desjardins at 10:29 AM on June 7, 2010 [10 favorites]
This is terrible advice. I'd regard anyone showing me private email correspondence as a drama-seeking nutjob and stay far away from them.
I do not actually think you're a drama-seeking nutjob, which is why I hope you won't do this. I think that for your sanity, you must hold your head high and simply ignore any indignity he heaps upon you. There is a Buddhist story in which a nobleman heaps abuse on the Buddha and is stunned when the Buddha does not react. The Buddha asks him whether he ever had people over for dinner, and when he replied that he did, he asked what he did with the leftover food. The nobleman replied that he kept it for himself. The Buddha said that it was just the same with abuse; if you don't accept it, it returns to the abuser.
posted by desjardins at 10:29 AM on June 7, 2010 [10 favorites]
The above answers are spot on. Don't let this jerk dictate how you'll spend your time.
The only thing I have to add is about your 'criticism' of another person's work. If Sam has been telling that person that you were trashing their work you may want to go to that person and let them know that while you may not be a big fan of that particular piece you are a fan of them. Just so there are no hurt feelings because of miscommunication. Don't go into what a nut job Sam is, just apologize for any hurt feelings.
I think if you take the high road and continue to be polite and honest with people that they'll see who the real problem is. Try to avoid gossiping about Sam and treat him like any other classmate that you don't know too well.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:30 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
The only thing I have to add is about your 'criticism' of another person's work. If Sam has been telling that person that you were trashing their work you may want to go to that person and let them know that while you may not be a big fan of that particular piece you are a fan of them. Just so there are no hurt feelings because of miscommunication. Don't go into what a nut job Sam is, just apologize for any hurt feelings.
I think if you take the high road and continue to be polite and honest with people that they'll see who the real problem is. Try to avoid gossiping about Sam and treat him like any other classmate that you don't know too well.
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:30 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Madamina's right on. He's projecting. Act as chilled-out and non-dramatic as you can possibly stand to, and you'll come out the winner here.
It may help to find the humor in the situation. Dude is WACK. He types out a 13-paragraph rant on a Blackberry in the middle of the night but it's "too much for him to invest, caring so little what develops"? Whaaaaa? If he was really Mr. Detachment he wouldn't have sprained his thumbs trying to beat you up via email. Plus, "I'll just make a short list of the various ways you have been bothersome to me?" You just know dude's got a manifesto somewhere against his air conditioning unit, or cumulus clouds, or the freezer.
You don't want to go to your friends for validation, but I think you'll find plenty of it here. It's obvious to an external observer that he's the one with the problem. He was lashing out at you for whatever reason -- and the chances that that reason had any reasonable relationship with your actions is vanishingly small. It's hurtful to you because he may have hit on things you're insecure about, or just because you've never been attacked like this. But this is one of those cases where it really and truly isn't you, it's him. He could just as easily have attacked you for having a tiny penis and failing to find the body of Amelia Earhart; his accusations are as little founded in reality as that. Do not let his insanity change what you know and feel about yourself. You have friends, you have professors who respect you and your work, you have a fiance and family who love you. This is one nutbar who is so pathetic and weird as to actually be pretty funny, if you can get the right perspective on him.
posted by katemonster at 10:37 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
It may help to find the humor in the situation. Dude is WACK. He types out a 13-paragraph rant on a Blackberry in the middle of the night but it's "too much for him to invest, caring so little what develops"? Whaaaaa? If he was really Mr. Detachment he wouldn't have sprained his thumbs trying to beat you up via email. Plus, "I'll just make a short list of the various ways you have been bothersome to me?" You just know dude's got a manifesto somewhere against his air conditioning unit, or cumulus clouds, or the freezer.
You don't want to go to your friends for validation, but I think you'll find plenty of it here. It's obvious to an external observer that he's the one with the problem. He was lashing out at you for whatever reason -- and the chances that that reason had any reasonable relationship with your actions is vanishingly small. It's hurtful to you because he may have hit on things you're insecure about, or just because you've never been attacked like this. But this is one of those cases where it really and truly isn't you, it's him. He could just as easily have attacked you for having a tiny penis and failing to find the body of Amelia Earhart; his accusations are as little founded in reality as that. Do not let his insanity change what you know and feel about yourself. You have friends, you have professors who respect you and your work, you have a fiance and family who love you. This is one nutbar who is so pathetic and weird as to actually be pretty funny, if you can get the right perspective on him.
posted by katemonster at 10:37 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
He is a person with a dramatically inflated sense of self importance and accomplishment who is threatened by you. Basically he is a little shit and you should ignore him. He is also a good example of why you dont want to spend too much time with college students as a large percentage of them (especially as they become upperclassmen) tend to fit the above description before the whole graduating and quarter life crisis thing.
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:38 AM on June 7, 2010
posted by BobbyDigital at 10:38 AM on June 7, 2010
Get out a piece of paper. Write down 5 parts of your life that this situation is drawing your attention away from. List 5 things in each of those parts of your life that need to be done but you haven't gotten around to, that this situation with Sam has distracted you from, and that you can do as an alternative to dealing with it. Try to accomplish one of the tasks on your list whenever you start overthinking or overanalyzing the quality of your actions with regards to Sam.
This will help you take care of yourself. I'm not saying don't take people out to coffee; I'm just saying give yourself some space to relax and put this into context. There is no rush. I am telling you from an outsider's perspective that dysfunctional relationships are unimportant relationships. You should not consider dropping out of school because one of your peers has been mean to you. If you want a degree from school, this can be one of things on your list under 'education.'
posted by phaedon at 10:42 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
This will help you take care of yourself. I'm not saying don't take people out to coffee; I'm just saying give yourself some space to relax and put this into context. There is no rush. I am telling you from an outsider's perspective that dysfunctional relationships are unimportant relationships. You should not consider dropping out of school because one of your peers has been mean to you. If you want a degree from school, this can be one of things on your list under 'education.'
posted by phaedon at 10:42 AM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
3. The people in our workshop group are all talented non-crazy people. I would like to continue seeing and working with them, but I'm afraid to contact them because he may have said horrible things about me to them that are insulting and untrue.
If he does this, he will simply look crazy. You keep going to your group and be a nice, not-crazy person. If you find out he's been ranting about you, or if people act strange and you're certain that he's the cause, or someone calls you out for something you supposedly said, you can say something like "we had a falling out of sorts and he's said some hurtful stuff that's really not true, I don't know what's going on with him but it's troubling, poor guy, I don't know WTF to think."
posted by desuetude at 11:02 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
If he does this, he will simply look crazy. You keep going to your group and be a nice, not-crazy person. If you find out he's been ranting about you, or if people act strange and you're certain that he's the cause, or someone calls you out for something you supposedly said, you can say something like "we had a falling out of sorts and he's said some hurtful stuff that's really not true, I don't know what's going on with him but it's troubling, poor guy, I don't know WTF to think."
posted by desuetude at 11:02 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
one of the best things you could do would be to print out the entire email, show it to your workshop group and explain that you will not be directly speaking with Sam but you thought they should be aware of the reason
Oh my god no. That's fighting fire with gasoline; a sure way to ensure that the next three weeks of your already stressful life will be about nothing but this.
Feel a little bit bad for Sam -- this is probably the first time in his life that he's realizing that he's not the center of the universe -- and then put him out of your mind. He's jealous of you so he's lashing out; it really has nothing to do with you, it's his problem.
Don't bring up this nonsense with anyone; if anyone brings it up with you just acknowledge that Sam seems to have a problem with you, you're not sure what the deal is and would really prefer to stay out of it. Take the high road. Anyone around you who gets sucked into Sam's immature drama is probably too immature for you to want to bother with anyway.
posted by ook at 11:04 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh my god no. That's fighting fire with gasoline; a sure way to ensure that the next three weeks of your already stressful life will be about nothing but this.
Feel a little bit bad for Sam -- this is probably the first time in his life that he's realizing that he's not the center of the universe -- and then put him out of your mind. He's jealous of you so he's lashing out; it really has nothing to do with you, it's his problem.
Don't bring up this nonsense with anyone; if anyone brings it up with you just acknowledge that Sam seems to have a problem with you, you're not sure what the deal is and would really prefer to stay out of it. Take the high road. Anyone around you who gets sucked into Sam's immature drama is probably too immature for you to want to bother with anyway.
posted by ook at 11:04 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would look at it from how you are feeling. Yes, this person is a nutjob and hurtful. Most other people probably know that as well. Let that be the end of that story. Let the story go. Let the drama go.
Regardless of the specifics of what he was saying or doing, he has caused you to have stress/anxiety. I would let thoughts of him go as much as possible, and just focus on handling/dealing/relaxing your level of anxiety. He is not worth your time, you are. it is only 3 weeks, you deserve to stay in the class. Don't drop it.
Just start taking care of your own needs. Stay closer to the people in your group/class that are friendlier, sit far away from him in class. Get that he is a trigger of your anxiety/upset, but don't keep staring at the trigger.
You did nothing wrong.
posted by Vaike at 11:11 AM on June 7, 2010
Regardless of the specifics of what he was saying or doing, he has caused you to have stress/anxiety. I would let thoughts of him go as much as possible, and just focus on handling/dealing/relaxing your level of anxiety. He is not worth your time, you are. it is only 3 weeks, you deserve to stay in the class. Don't drop it.
Just start taking care of your own needs. Stay closer to the people in your group/class that are friendlier, sit far away from him in class. Get that he is a trigger of your anxiety/upset, but don't keep staring at the trigger.
You did nothing wrong.
posted by Vaike at 11:11 AM on June 7, 2010
I'm willing to bet that you're involved in some kind of creative writing/poetry, and Sam was probably treated as very special snowflake during his high school years for his writing "talent."
1. I'm glad you're getting your validation here. He's a nutjob.
2. Just freeze him out socially, and interact with him politely in the classroom. You definitely shouldn't quit.
3. True, he may have said all kinds of things, but I doubt his craziness is limited to you. He's likely viewed as a bit off by the other people in the workshop, too, so they're bound to take whatever he says with a whole pile of salt.
4. I know how you feel - I've been doing the same thing. Sometimes there are reasons to cut back/quit, but I don't think this little weasel is one of them. Keep going, you'll be glad you did.
From what you've said here, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. I wouldn't try to explain your "side" over coffee, that would come off as overly dramatic. I know it's going to be uncomfortable for a bit around this guy, but he'll find a different target soon if you don't give him any response.
posted by HopperFan at 11:12 AM on June 7, 2010
1. I'm glad you're getting your validation here. He's a nutjob.
2. Just freeze him out socially, and interact with him politely in the classroom. You definitely shouldn't quit.
3. True, he may have said all kinds of things, but I doubt his craziness is limited to you. He's likely viewed as a bit off by the other people in the workshop, too, so they're bound to take whatever he says with a whole pile of salt.
4. I know how you feel - I've been doing the same thing. Sometimes there are reasons to cut back/quit, but I don't think this little weasel is one of them. Keep going, you'll be glad you did.
From what you've said here, it doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong. I wouldn't try to explain your "side" over coffee, that would come off as overly dramatic. I know it's going to be uncomfortable for a bit around this guy, but he'll find a different target soon if you don't give him any response.
posted by HopperFan at 11:12 AM on June 7, 2010
Response by poster: Oh, and I apologize for not mentioning this before, but my reasoning for wanting to get in touch with the other members of the group is that he appears to have taken it upon himself to cancel the workshop. I'd like to know if other people had input on this decision. I'd like to keep it up, but I'd prefer to do it without his drama. That's not to say I want to effectively kick him out and start our own group, but if he ended the group and those folks still want to work together, I'd like to make it clear I'm still available. Also, he's going on to another school in the fall (he mentions that below) and it'd be nice to continue working with these folks when he's gone. Two other members of my group are closer to my age and slightly more mature.
Here's what he said:
"I could say more but I'll stop here. I'd say that I'd like to save the group and work this out, but I don't feel that way. You've displayed an utter lack of respect and I'm tired of it. I'm moving on, but I wanted to make it clear to you why it's being disbanded. I don't hate you, if you're wondering, that's too much for me to invest, caring so little what develops. I'll be elsewhere in the fall, and discontinuing our relationship won't really impede my development and probably not yours."
I don't know what to make of that. Thanks again.
posted by Lizsterr at 11:13 AM on June 7, 2010
Here's what he said:
"I could say more but I'll stop here. I'd say that I'd like to save the group and work this out, but I don't feel that way. You've displayed an utter lack of respect and I'm tired of it. I'm moving on, but I wanted to make it clear to you why it's being disbanded. I don't hate you, if you're wondering, that's too much for me to invest, caring so little what develops. I'll be elsewhere in the fall, and discontinuing our relationship won't really impede my development and probably not yours."
I don't know what to make of that. Thanks again.
posted by Lizsterr at 11:13 AM on June 7, 2010
He's trying to take his ball and go home. ABSOLUTELY contact the other members, and say that there's no reason to stop the workshop as long as everyone else is getting something out of it. Don't feel bad about "reforming the group without him". That's the natural dynamic that Sam is putting into place. And, the best way for no one besides Sam to get run over by it is to continue without him.
I like most of the rest of the advice you're getting here. Stay strong, and his insecure lashing out will seem very insignificant.
posted by Citrus at 11:38 AM on June 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
I like most of the rest of the advice you're getting here. Stay strong, and his insecure lashing out will seem very insignificant.
posted by Citrus at 11:38 AM on June 7, 2010 [4 favorites]
he appears to have taken it upon himself to cancel the workshop
Aaah. In that case, you're not "effectively kicking him out", he 's effectively "quitting in a huff". (Is there some reason this is officially "his" workshop to cancel?) Just email the rest of the group and let them know you'd like to keep on; don't get into particulars: "I know there's been some confusion about scheduling, just wanted to let everyone know I'm still available at ___ if you'd all like to keep meeting" or some such.
I don't know what to make of that.
He's going to snub you whenever he sees you from now on, and hopes you'll feel bad about it.
posted by ook at 11:40 AM on June 7, 2010
Aaah. In that case, you're not "effectively kicking him out", he 's effectively "quitting in a huff". (Is there some reason this is officially "his" workshop to cancel?) Just email the rest of the group and let them know you'd like to keep on; don't get into particulars: "I know there's been some confusion about scheduling, just wanted to let everyone know I'm still available at ___ if you'd all like to keep meeting" or some such.
I don't know what to make of that.
He's going to snub you whenever he sees you from now on, and hopes you'll feel bad about it.
posted by ook at 11:40 AM on June 7, 2010
1. You're hurt. He's nuts. I mean, seriously. Take ten steps back from this situation and you can see that regardless of the circumstances his behavior is sort of outside of the norm. It kind of sounds like you don't really want to be friends with this guy anyway so please do your best to mentally move on from this relationship.
2. If this were me, I would respond via email, short and to the point: "Wow, Sam, I'm shocked to hear these things. I'm truly sorry that you feel this way. I wish you the best of luck in the program and in your future. Take care." And then act accordingly: distant but polite, cool and indifferent. You'll get through it.
3. Be nice and open to everyone else -- like a normal person would. Don't address this unless someone else brings it up. I mean, sheesh, anyone who goes around badmouthing other people is generally written off as a crank -- especially in grad school (one would hope) where peer-group acceptance is really not that important. As long as you don't act like you're in high school, no one else will either.
4. Cut off the drama. Laugh it off. If you have another friend in the grad program, go get a beer and vent about this issue and then put it behind you. You have better things to do, right?
posted by amanda at 11:40 AM on June 7, 2010
2. If this were me, I would respond via email, short and to the point: "Wow, Sam, I'm shocked to hear these things. I'm truly sorry that you feel this way. I wish you the best of luck in the program and in your future. Take care." And then act accordingly: distant but polite, cool and indifferent. You'll get through it.
3. Be nice and open to everyone else -- like a normal person would. Don't address this unless someone else brings it up. I mean, sheesh, anyone who goes around badmouthing other people is generally written off as a crank -- especially in grad school (one would hope) where peer-group acceptance is really not that important. As long as you don't act like you're in high school, no one else will either.
4. Cut off the drama. Laugh it off. If you have another friend in the grad program, go get a beer and vent about this issue and then put it behind you. You have better things to do, right?
posted by amanda at 11:40 AM on June 7, 2010
Haters gonna hate. Take the high road.
posted by mrbill at 11:41 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by mrbill at 11:41 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's also clear that you are an older female person, not just older - so he's likely got some mother issues at play here too, and you're getting a blast of him rebelling against you-as-mother-figure. Sad, annoying, but I also went back to school as an older woman and experienced it a few times.
This workshop - it's not clear to me that it's the one that you couldn't properly attend. Why don't you send an email to all involved and say, "hey, I can't manage to make that workshop you're all doing, but if you think you have the energy for one more I'd love if we could meet up and do some work together once a week."
in this you:
- make no reference to cancellation whatsoever. It's possible he was just trying to heap guilt on your head, because it looks like that's worked before - there's that older thing and that female thing of trying to be nice, and trying to make things work by being the one that bends, that it looks like he's been exploiting. Don't apologize, don't bend, don't even mention anything at all related to HIS drama. Just pretend that email never happened and you just want a chance to collaborate with the group.
- don't sound like you want to replace the other workshop, just offer a space for another meeting once a week. This way, if he hasn't canceled it, you don't look like you're playing power games, and if he HAS canceled it then you have opened the window to starting it up again.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:42 AM on June 7, 2010
This workshop - it's not clear to me that it's the one that you couldn't properly attend. Why don't you send an email to all involved and say, "hey, I can't manage to make that workshop you're all doing, but if you think you have the energy for one more I'd love if we could meet up and do some work together once a week."
in this you:
- make no reference to cancellation whatsoever. It's possible he was just trying to heap guilt on your head, because it looks like that's worked before - there's that older thing and that female thing of trying to be nice, and trying to make things work by being the one that bends, that it looks like he's been exploiting. Don't apologize, don't bend, don't even mention anything at all related to HIS drama. Just pretend that email never happened and you just want a chance to collaborate with the group.
- don't sound like you want to replace the other workshop, just offer a space for another meeting once a week. This way, if he hasn't canceled it, you don't look like you're playing power games, and if he HAS canceled it then you have opened the window to starting it up again.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:42 AM on June 7, 2010
Dude! If he's going to be "elsewhere in the fall" that's a) GREAT, b) a self-solving problem, c) hopefully a treatment facility where he can get his meds adjusted. And no, I am not being snarky.
If you say anything, I would keep it totally non-engaging. "Best of luck" is about as far as I would go. I think it's very, very important not to engage or argue with the crazy, and I have very rarely seen this kind of ego-centric, paranoia-driven, obsessive and escalating behaviour end in a clean bill of mental health.
Obviously, nobody should be making an armchair diagnosis online and I am not a mental health professional, but I would encourage you to take a look at Sam as someone who may be genuinely ill and starting to de-compensate, and see if that helps some of this make more sense and be less personally hurtful.
A little compassion and a little distance is probably all you need to get this into perspective in terms of not taking that ill-placed tirade to heart. As to the practical, as Sam has made it very clear he no longer wishes to be involved in activities with you, I would just move on, move up, and schedule a new workshop with a new name to see if anyone is interested.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:43 AM on June 7, 2010
If you say anything, I would keep it totally non-engaging. "Best of luck" is about as far as I would go. I think it's very, very important not to engage or argue with the crazy, and I have very rarely seen this kind of ego-centric, paranoia-driven, obsessive and escalating behaviour end in a clean bill of mental health.
Obviously, nobody should be making an armchair diagnosis online and I am not a mental health professional, but I would encourage you to take a look at Sam as someone who may be genuinely ill and starting to de-compensate, and see if that helps some of this make more sense and be less personally hurtful.
A little compassion and a little distance is probably all you need to get this into perspective in terms of not taking that ill-placed tirade to heart. As to the practical, as Sam has made it very clear he no longer wishes to be involved in activities with you, I would just move on, move up, and schedule a new workshop with a new name to see if anyone is interested.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:43 AM on June 7, 2010
Response by poster: There is a school sponsored weekly club that I never really could attend, and a workshop we created with 2-3 other people that would meet on the weekends. I'm not sure which he's cancelling either. He didn't make that clear. I'd prefer to keep up the monthly weekend workshops.
posted by Lizsterr at 11:52 AM on June 7, 2010
posted by Lizsterr at 11:52 AM on June 7, 2010
I agree with all of the above. I'm just here to say that there are a few different websites that post crazy letters like this for the enjoyment of people like me (I'm thinking specifically of Jezebel's Crap Email from a Dude). You don't have to post your 13 paragraph screed, but maybe it would make you feel better to know that there are many crazies out there, and you are not alone.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 11:58 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 11:58 AM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nobody needs that kind of drama. Ignore him generally, treat him civilly, and reschedule the workgroup with the remaining members.
Frankly though, his long email deserves a big "boo fucking hoo."
posted by rhizome at 11:58 AM on June 7, 2010
Frankly though, his long email deserves a big "boo fucking hoo."
posted by rhizome at 11:58 AM on June 7, 2010
If it's one you're already involved in, great! You can send an email to the participants (not including Mr. Issues) on some innocent detail - who's bringing the snacks or whatnot. Open the door to communication from the others, who will either day "but I thought it was canceled!" or "no problem, I can bring the nachos this time." If they think it's canceled, say you thought you heard something about that but you'd be happy to keep meeting if they would; if it's business as usual, just keep doing business as usual.
If he's there, distant and polite. If he's not, fabulous.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:59 AM on June 7, 2010
If he's there, distant and polite. If he's not, fabulous.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 11:59 AM on June 7, 2010
What you can make of all of this is that it's about him - not you. Absolutely. The guy sent you a *screed*. He got bent out of shape when people failed to notice his greatness and now he's really proving the point that he isn't great at all. He's got issues, and they go on and on. He's taking an opportunity to be hypercritical of you, to view every action or reaction of yours as something personal against him, and to just explode all over you.
Let it go. Let him go. Take a few deep breaths, laugh about how bizarre people can be, and hold onto hope that at some point in his future this guy will be a little less wacko. In the meantime, I would contact the other members of the workshop and tell them some simple understatement of the issue - "I've heard that there have been some scheduling problems and other conflicts that are interfering with meetings." Then state what you want, and what you can commit to - "I would really like to continue working with all of you, but I don't feel like I can shoulder the entire responsibility right now for running the group. These are the specific times when I am available. How about you? Let's discuss how to keep things going!" Something like that...
posted by lriG rorriM at 12:01 PM on June 7, 2010
Let it go. Let him go. Take a few deep breaths, laugh about how bizarre people can be, and hold onto hope that at some point in his future this guy will be a little less wacko. In the meantime, I would contact the other members of the workshop and tell them some simple understatement of the issue - "I've heard that there have been some scheduling problems and other conflicts that are interfering with meetings." Then state what you want, and what you can commit to - "I would really like to continue working with all of you, but I don't feel like I can shoulder the entire responsibility right now for running the group. These are the specific times when I am available. How about you? Let's discuss how to keep things going!" Something like that...
posted by lriG rorriM at 12:01 PM on June 7, 2010
No response at all would possibly invite more such behavior. I'd settle for a 3-word response: "Go away. Please."
posted by coolguymichael at 12:03 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by coolguymichael at 12:03 PM on June 7, 2010
And if he ever DARES to ask you about his manifesto, just let him know that you gave it the attention it deserved, smile sweetly, and walk away.
posted by lriG rorriM at 12:05 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by lriG rorriM at 12:05 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're a pretty sensitive person--by which I mean, someone who takes others' perspectives very seriously. This has advantages (you're probably a kind, considerate person) but also disadvantages (on some level, you think you should hear Sam out). You need to fully accept this fact: Sam is a twit and not worth your time, nothing he says about you matters or has any validity whatsoever. Moreover, if he hasn't already alienated the rest of the group, he will. You don't need to give the others "your side" of the story. Someone might hear something negative from Sam about you and ask you what's up, and all you need to say is, "Sam's having some kind of issue with me right now, so I'm giving him some space; I'm still psyched about the workshop, though--do you need any help setting up beforehand?" Trying to bring anyone else into this drama will probably backfire (you'll look as crazy as Sam), but the good news is you don't need to.
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:30 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Meg_Murry at 12:30 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Only four words are necessary for a reply: "Hahaha! Go fuck yourself!"
I've been on the receiving end of these sorts of screeds probably twice in my life--both times with people I hardly knew, who found it necessary to set-out, in pain-staking detail, everything that offended them about me as a person. Both times, this included a litany of accusations of things I had not done, or they had heard I'd done but hadn't, or that they imagined I'd done, or whatever. Both times, the people in question were male, with obvious issues with women.
The first time, I was younger and less secure and very worried that social stuff would get weird after this and worried that people around us would think I was terrible. In other words, deep down, I worried that the person who said these things was right.
I tried to placate him. I tried to apologize and to explain myself to mutual friends, and when we saw one another in social settings, I'd fall over myself trying to schmear the guy.
You know what he did? He took every opportunity to try and insult me, publicly and often pretty painfully. Including, years later, at my wedding (long story as to why I had to invite him. Luckily, I was old enough by then not to care about what a fool he made of himself.)
So anyway, the second time I encountered someone like this, I decided that I would be my own best defense. I would respond in a way that made it clear that 1. I was not open to further insults, and that my personality was not up for analysis. 2. That I really didn't respect the person in question, who very clearly wanted to be able to hold forth and sound awesome and prove he was smarter/better than me (this is somewhat the competitive ass in me, I'm sure; but still, respect has to be earned. It can't be demanded through incoherent vitriolic screeds). So I said the above. I might have thrown a "whatever" in there ("Hahaha! Whatever! Go fuck yourself!"). And then I proceeded to block any means he had of contacting me. In social settings, I simply flatly ignored him. If friends asked about it, I'd tell them that, yeah, the dude is crazycakes, and why I thought that, but not in painstaking detail or in a way that asked for validation of my choice. To my surprise, they didn't judge me. A few told me that they would have approached it differently, but that they couldn't really blame me. And I pretty much haven't given it another thought until today.
Because this guy is really, really not worth the time or the energy you're expending worrying about this, and you're putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation here by continuing to fret about what he's going to do to you, or how he's going to make your life uncomfortable. In the future, it's much better to stand up for yourself, forcefully, briefly, and directly, and illustrate that you won't be bullied. Jerks like this prey on the insecurity of others--it's like they have wimpdar. I promise you that this kind of situation will resolve itself much more quickly once you show that you're not a target for his anger, and that you refuse to be used as one.
I think all of the suggestions to be polite to him are very kind and charitable and Christian--but may be ineffective and definitely open you up to further ridicule. Likewise, printing out his email and showing it to others, including the professor, gives his words entirely too much value and respect; they're not worth the bites they're stored on, and should be treated that way. My preferred method is to be dismissive and direct, even if crude. Clearly, YMMV, but for me, part of overcoming my own insecurities was to treat myself like I have value and to realize that I don't have to be nice to people who are raging assholes.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:52 PM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
I've been on the receiving end of these sorts of screeds probably twice in my life--both times with people I hardly knew, who found it necessary to set-out, in pain-staking detail, everything that offended them about me as a person. Both times, this included a litany of accusations of things I had not done, or they had heard I'd done but hadn't, or that they imagined I'd done, or whatever. Both times, the people in question were male, with obvious issues with women.
The first time, I was younger and less secure and very worried that social stuff would get weird after this and worried that people around us would think I was terrible. In other words, deep down, I worried that the person who said these things was right.
I tried to placate him. I tried to apologize and to explain myself to mutual friends, and when we saw one another in social settings, I'd fall over myself trying to schmear the guy.
You know what he did? He took every opportunity to try and insult me, publicly and often pretty painfully. Including, years later, at my wedding (long story as to why I had to invite him. Luckily, I was old enough by then not to care about what a fool he made of himself.)
So anyway, the second time I encountered someone like this, I decided that I would be my own best defense. I would respond in a way that made it clear that 1. I was not open to further insults, and that my personality was not up for analysis. 2. That I really didn't respect the person in question, who very clearly wanted to be able to hold forth and sound awesome and prove he was smarter/better than me (this is somewhat the competitive ass in me, I'm sure; but still, respect has to be earned. It can't be demanded through incoherent vitriolic screeds). So I said the above. I might have thrown a "whatever" in there ("Hahaha! Whatever! Go fuck yourself!"). And then I proceeded to block any means he had of contacting me. In social settings, I simply flatly ignored him. If friends asked about it, I'd tell them that, yeah, the dude is crazycakes, and why I thought that, but not in painstaking detail or in a way that asked for validation of my choice. To my surprise, they didn't judge me. A few told me that they would have approached it differently, but that they couldn't really blame me. And I pretty much haven't given it another thought until today.
Because this guy is really, really not worth the time or the energy you're expending worrying about this, and you're putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation here by continuing to fret about what he's going to do to you, or how he's going to make your life uncomfortable. In the future, it's much better to stand up for yourself, forcefully, briefly, and directly, and illustrate that you won't be bullied. Jerks like this prey on the insecurity of others--it's like they have wimpdar. I promise you that this kind of situation will resolve itself much more quickly once you show that you're not a target for his anger, and that you refuse to be used as one.
I think all of the suggestions to be polite to him are very kind and charitable and Christian--but may be ineffective and definitely open you up to further ridicule. Likewise, printing out his email and showing it to others, including the professor, gives his words entirely too much value and respect; they're not worth the bites they're stored on, and should be treated that way. My preferred method is to be dismissive and direct, even if crude. Clearly, YMMV, but for me, part of overcoming my own insecurities was to treat myself like I have value and to realize that I don't have to be nice to people who are raging assholes.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:52 PM on June 7, 2010 [5 favorites]
Oh, and do call your friends and ask them to get together. Don't even mention Sam. This isn't about him--it's about a bunch of talented people getting together for mutual benefit. He doesn't want to be there, so no skin of your nose if he's not invited.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:54 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:54 PM on June 7, 2010
I'm willing to bet that you're involved in some kind of creative writing/poetry, and Sam was probably treated as very special snowflake during his high school years for his writing "talent."
That was my first thought, too.
If this guy's already gone to the profs to demand answers as to why he came second in this contest, he's already outed himself to them as a problem. They most certainly know that they're dealing with a certain type of wildly insecure student; they've seen his like before and will again. As far as your friends in the workshop go: it's quite possible that they've already seen evidence of his behaviour, as well. You might not be the first person to come under fire from him. Nthing the advice above: rise above, be classy, don't mention it unless you are asked about it. Be normal, sane, thoughtful, and act with integrity. He'll hang himself soon enough, poor thing. (Imagine what it must be like living in his world. Ugh.)
posted by jokeefe at 1:18 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
That was my first thought, too.
If this guy's already gone to the profs to demand answers as to why he came second in this contest, he's already outed himself to them as a problem. They most certainly know that they're dealing with a certain type of wildly insecure student; they've seen his like before and will again. As far as your friends in the workshop go: it's quite possible that they've already seen evidence of his behaviour, as well. You might not be the first person to come under fire from him. Nthing the advice above: rise above, be classy, don't mention it unless you are asked about it. Be normal, sane, thoughtful, and act with integrity. He'll hang himself soon enough, poor thing. (Imagine what it must be like living in his world. Ugh.)
posted by jokeefe at 1:18 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: internet fraud detective squad, station number 9: I was pretty clear about what I meant. I think I can say that I'm not a fan of, say, Dorothea Lasky's style, and still accept that she's a talented poet. That's all I was saying.
posted by Lizsterr at 2:02 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Lizsterr at 2:02 PM on June 7, 2010 [2 favorites]
He'll hang himself soon enough, poor thing
I should clarify that I don't mean this literally, of course. Sorry it there was any confusion.
posted by jokeefe at 2:30 PM on June 7, 2010
I should clarify that I don't mean this literally, of course. Sorry it there was any confusion.
posted by jokeefe at 2:30 PM on June 7, 2010
He'll hang himself soon enough, poor thing
You know, I almost feel bad for the guy, considering the nature of the school he'll be at in the Fall. He'll be a much smaller fish in a much bigger, more talented pond. He'll either get over this complex really quickly, or you might literally be right.
I say "almost feel bad" because I watched Lizsterr read his e-mail in person. Feeling bad is out; feeling like I want him to suffer is in. (If I weren't a more restrained person, naturally.)
posted by supercres at 3:14 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You know, I almost feel bad for the guy, considering the nature of the school he'll be at in the Fall. He'll be a much smaller fish in a much bigger, more talented pond. He'll either get over this complex really quickly, or you might literally be right.
I say "almost feel bad" because I watched Lizsterr read his e-mail in person. Feeling bad is out; feeling like I want him to suffer is in. (If I weren't a more restrained person, naturally.)
posted by supercres at 3:14 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
I just came here to say that people like Sam expect the objects of their wrath to respond in kind. Therefore, Sam surely expects that he is your #1 enemy now, that's how damned important he is. He will be projecting "revenge" onto everything you do. So even though I firmly believe that we should never have to socially engage bullies, maybe you can leave the door open for him to join a re-formed workshop; if you don't, he's going to assume he is being purposefully shut out. He'll be like "me vs. Lizsterr" and he'll then try to pull your mutual friends into it. So if you can do so without damaging your own psyche, show him what it really means to be a grown up. And yes, do explain your side to your friends if it comes to that. I have failed to do that in the past and lost friends by not defending myself. But hopefully it will never come to that.
I sympathize with you so much. I know how it feels to wake up in the morning and have that remembering-sinking feeling. Take care!
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:55 PM on June 7, 2010
I sympathize with you so much. I know how it feels to wake up in the morning and have that remembering-sinking feeling. Take care!
posted by Knowyournuts at 4:55 PM on June 7, 2010
Best answer: Jumping in here, before nickyskye beats me to the punch: Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissism 101. (I'm not a doctor, but I can play one on Teh Interwebs!) Notice anything familiar on those pages?
Seriously, his behavior as described in your thoughtful post here is more than just rude or mean or juvenile, it's screeching right over the line into the pathological. He's overtly jealous of you and your success, he admits to you that other people have called him "arrogant" before, you feel like he might try to make threats to you re: a poisoned relationship with your fellow group members, he feels brazenly entitled to manage your supposedly co-managed events, he feels enraged when you decide he shouldn't your personal private web stuff anymore, etc... Yes, this guy is, as someone said so eloquently upthread, crazypants.
Also, you seem like such a nice, low-key person that perhaps you have not realized that a guy like Sam may have glommed onto you because you are obviously very talented, and as he is an immature little fucktard who needs his ego stroked constantly, he wanted to be publicly seen as hanging out with and doing cool activities with the smart one in the class, namely you. His relationship with you may not actually be about you, but about what he thinks you can do to burnish him and his reputation.
Sadly, this will not be the last crazypants person you will have to deal with in life. Don't let him ruin your day, much less the rest of your semester!
posted by Asparagirl at 5:20 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seriously, his behavior as described in your thoughtful post here is more than just rude or mean or juvenile, it's screeching right over the line into the pathological. He's overtly jealous of you and your success, he admits to you that other people have called him "arrogant" before, you feel like he might try to make threats to you re: a poisoned relationship with your fellow group members, he feels brazenly entitled to manage your supposedly co-managed events, he feels enraged when you decide he shouldn't your personal private web stuff anymore, etc... Yes, this guy is, as someone said so eloquently upthread, crazypants.
Also, you seem like such a nice, low-key person that perhaps you have not realized that a guy like Sam may have glommed onto you because you are obviously very talented, and as he is an immature little fucktard who needs his ego stroked constantly, he wanted to be publicly seen as hanging out with and doing cool activities with the smart one in the class, namely you. His relationship with you may not actually be about you, but about what he thinks you can do to burnish him and his reputation.
Sadly, this will not be the last crazypants person you will have to deal with in life. Don't let him ruin your day, much less the rest of your semester!
posted by Asparagirl at 5:20 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Um, or even crazycakes, which was the actual word used upthread. But nobody wants to get some crazy in their delicious cake, so let's stick with pants here.
posted by Asparagirl at 5:30 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Asparagirl at 5:30 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Update! I'm still a little freaked out, so I'm sorry if I ramble on.
I had a class with him tonight. We had a test, so I figured I wouldn't have to interact with him. This made me feel better because I hadn't settled on how to handle this awkward situation. So, I took my time with the test. I got all my things together before getting up to hand in my test, and got out of the classroom. Unfortunately, he was WAITING for me to finish my test. As soon as I got up to hand in my test, he hurried to get his things together and started to follow me out. By the time I got out of the classroom, I considered running from the classroom to escape him. I know that sounds dramatic, but I really didn't consider how I'd react to something like this. So he runs out of the classroom (he's a bit behind me at this point, and has to walk down and around a ramp to catch up) and shouts, "LIZ, I have your books". I turn and say KEEP THEM, and keep walking. After that, I called my mom so I have some distraction and sanity while I get the heck out of there. When I exit the building, he pops out another door, follows me down the street, and runs after me when I go to cross the street. So, finally he's caught up with me, and I can't cross the street because there are cars coming. I grab the books (I'm still on the phone with my poor mom) and cross the street without saying a word. He texts me a minute later saying he wants his books back, too.
So, now I'm a little more concerned. This kid is clearly not going to let me GTFO peacefully and without making a scene of things. I don't even have any of his books! I think I have one P&W magazine he lent which I'd be willing to mail just to avoid further interaction.
Mr. Lizsterr A.K.A. supercres has offered to email Sam to tell him he's no longer welcome to interact with me unless he wants us to file for harassment with the school and local police, but I'm not sure if that's the best thing to do. Other than that, I can email him and ask him he "books" he's talking about and explaining I want nothing to do with him, or I can keep trying to ignore him. I'm really at my wit's end here. Following me down the street to confront me, after I made it clear I wasn't interested, is bordering on very inappropriate behavior for me.
Thanks for the great advice so far. I have to see him again tomorrow.
posted by Lizsterr at 6:06 PM on June 7, 2010
I had a class with him tonight. We had a test, so I figured I wouldn't have to interact with him. This made me feel better because I hadn't settled on how to handle this awkward situation. So, I took my time with the test. I got all my things together before getting up to hand in my test, and got out of the classroom. Unfortunately, he was WAITING for me to finish my test. As soon as I got up to hand in my test, he hurried to get his things together and started to follow me out. By the time I got out of the classroom, I considered running from the classroom to escape him. I know that sounds dramatic, but I really didn't consider how I'd react to something like this. So he runs out of the classroom (he's a bit behind me at this point, and has to walk down and around a ramp to catch up) and shouts, "LIZ, I have your books". I turn and say KEEP THEM, and keep walking. After that, I called my mom so I have some distraction and sanity while I get the heck out of there. When I exit the building, he pops out another door, follows me down the street, and runs after me when I go to cross the street. So, finally he's caught up with me, and I can't cross the street because there are cars coming. I grab the books (I'm still on the phone with my poor mom) and cross the street without saying a word. He texts me a minute later saying he wants his books back, too.
So, now I'm a little more concerned. This kid is clearly not going to let me GTFO peacefully and without making a scene of things. I don't even have any of his books! I think I have one P&W magazine he lent which I'd be willing to mail just to avoid further interaction.
Mr. Lizsterr A.K.A. supercres has offered to email Sam to tell him he's no longer welcome to interact with me unless he wants us to file for harassment with the school and local police, but I'm not sure if that's the best thing to do. Other than that, I can email him and ask him he "books" he's talking about and explaining I want nothing to do with him, or I can keep trying to ignore him. I'm really at my wit's end here. Following me down the street to confront me, after I made it clear I wasn't interested, is bordering on very inappropriate behavior for me.
Thanks for the great advice so far. I have to see him again tomorrow.
posted by Lizsterr at 6:06 PM on June 7, 2010
Response by poster: I just realized I said "my test" about a dozen times. Sorry. Again, I'm not used to dealing with crazy people, so I'm a little freaked out.
posted by Lizsterr at 6:08 PM on June 7, 2010
posted by Lizsterr at 6:08 PM on June 7, 2010
Best answer: Wow, I take back my twit comment, he's more psycho than twit (or, I suppose, it's possible he's a twit AND a psycho). I think next time you see him, if he approaches you in any way, you should consider clearly and firmly (but calmly) telling him, ideally with other people around, "Please stop talking to me" and if he persists, "I'm going to call campus security" (and get your phone out and call campus security). He needs to know that you're not going to be a part of his drama but that you're serious about getting him to stop his behavior. Maybe you could practice on supercres?
Consider also getting in touch with--hmm, what would be the appropriate office? The ombudsman? Your advisor? Well, in any case, consider getting in touch with a trusted faculty or staff member at your university, telling him/her what's going on, and asking what the best steps to take might be. Some universities are better than others about this sort of thing, but there may be resources available to you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:10 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Consider also getting in touch with--hmm, what would be the appropriate office? The ombudsman? Your advisor? Well, in any case, consider getting in touch with a trusted faculty or staff member at your university, telling him/her what's going on, and asking what the best steps to take might be. Some universities are better than others about this sort of thing, but there may be resources available to you.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:10 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ugh. For a guy who dislikes you ever so much and isn't going to waste any more time or effort on you, he uh, sure is making a scene. Tomorrow, you're prepared to see him, and since it's obvious he wants to interact with you, try to keep it short and sweet. Practice with someone else or in front of a mirror if you need to, to make sure your voice is calm and even. Remember that this guy is a third rate twit, and it's important to keep your cool with him. Tell him that you checked, and don't have any books of his. If you're feeling particularly gracious, bring the magazine. Inform him that if he has a specific list of tomes which he believes you have, he can email that to you, and you'll get back to him at your convenience. Let him know that you're done - he said you're done, now you say you're done - and you're not interested in interacting with him, casually or otherwise, from here on out. Spell out for him that he is not to follow you, run after you, wait for you after class, or otherwise seek out any more interaction. If he has something to say, he can say it via email or he can keep it to himself. And you will give his emails all the attention you feel they deserve. Then walk away.
Go get a hug. I know I'd need one right about now after a scene like that.
posted by lriG rorriM at 7:17 PM on June 7, 2010
Go get a hug. I know I'd need one right about now after a scene like that.
posted by lriG rorriM at 7:17 PM on June 7, 2010
Other than that, I can email him and ask him he "books" he's talking about and explaining I want nothing to do with him, or I can keep trying to ignore him.
Ooof, don't feed the troll.
I would probably yell "get away from me, you're acting psychotic, do I need to call the police" the next time he follows you somewhere.
posted by desuetude at 7:39 PM on June 7, 2010
Ooof, don't feed the troll.
I would probably yell "get away from me, you're acting psychotic, do I need to call the police" the next time he follows you somewhere.
posted by desuetude at 7:39 PM on June 7, 2010
"after I made it clear I wasn't interested"
You did, but in his mind, he's still playing out an episode of My So Called Life.
The script for next time, and practice this beforehand with supercres acting the part of Sam the Special Snowflake CrazyPants :
You : I don't want to talk to you outside of class. I don't have any of your books, and the one magazine I had has been mailed to you.
CrazyPants : You're an awful person/I want x thing that you have/blah blah
You : I've told you that I don't want to talk to you. If you continue, I'll have to consider it as harassment. Good bye and good luck to you.
[turn around and leave]
P.S. You're not THAT much older than him. You're obviously light-years ahead in maturity, though, so maybe that's behind some of the rebelling against the mother/authority figure suggestions.
posted by HopperFan at 8:10 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
You did, but in his mind, he's still playing out an episode of My So Called Life.
The script for next time, and practice this beforehand with supercres acting the part of Sam the Special Snowflake CrazyPants :
You : I don't want to talk to you outside of class. I don't have any of your books, and the one magazine I had has been mailed to you.
CrazyPants : You're an awful person/I want x thing that you have/blah blah
You : I've told you that I don't want to talk to you. If you continue, I'll have to consider it as harassment. Good bye and good luck to you.
[turn around and leave]
P.S. You're not THAT much older than him. You're obviously light-years ahead in maturity, though, so maybe that's behind some of the rebelling against the mother/authority figure suggestions.
posted by HopperFan at 8:10 PM on June 7, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Oh my God, congratulations on winning the talent contest! This is so awesome, and a pity Jealous Nitwit is overshadowing it. I love the feeling of discovering a new talent and growing into it. Please be happy for yourself and please continue winning talent contests and excelling. This is much too valuable and precious and wonderful to be spoilt! It sounds like not rocking the boat is more important to you, but it shouldn't be - YOU are more important than all that psycho crap.
Ok. About Jealous Nitwit. Tell him something like HopperFan suggests: "Do not talk to me, it is harassment, I do not have your books."
What strikes me most is how you are always running from him or, hiding, or avoiding or scared of him. This is not necessary. You have done nothing wrong, but you are scared of something - of what?
If it is actual physical violence, then for God's sake do what your husband suggests and contact the police.
But it sounds like you are scared of him causing a scene, because of other people believing him that you are a horrible person? Or you are scared of his anger, still? Why, when you have done nothing wrong and people will see him as deranged? What is it that you are secretly afraid of?
It is only your fear that is letting him press his advantage. Because everything else - your talent, your affableness with others, your life experience, your financial togetherness - is too strong for him.
I know you have a lot on your plate, and this is probably increasing your feelings of stress about Jealous Nitwit. But maybe you can try out this point of view and see how it fits:
You have already achieved so much in life, and have so many good traits. But one field that could use practicing is your assertiveness. Jealous Nitwit was sent to you by Chance to practice this skill. To practice the skill of saying, loudly and clearly, "Stop talking to me. We are done. Leave me alone, you are harassing me." It is hard to say that with self assurance, but Jealous Nitwit gives you the opportunity to try it out. You are the hero of your story, and you get to draw your laser sword now and swing it around. (Practice infront of the mirror, first!)
Good luck!
And again, congratulations!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:04 AM on June 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Ok. About Jealous Nitwit. Tell him something like HopperFan suggests: "Do not talk to me, it is harassment, I do not have your books."
What strikes me most is how you are always running from him or, hiding, or avoiding or scared of him. This is not necessary. You have done nothing wrong, but you are scared of something - of what?
If it is actual physical violence, then for God's sake do what your husband suggests and contact the police.
But it sounds like you are scared of him causing a scene, because of other people believing him that you are a horrible person? Or you are scared of his anger, still? Why, when you have done nothing wrong and people will see him as deranged? What is it that you are secretly afraid of?
It is only your fear that is letting him press his advantage. Because everything else - your talent, your affableness with others, your life experience, your financial togetherness - is too strong for him.
I know you have a lot on your plate, and this is probably increasing your feelings of stress about Jealous Nitwit. But maybe you can try out this point of view and see how it fits:
You have already achieved so much in life, and have so many good traits. But one field that could use practicing is your assertiveness. Jealous Nitwit was sent to you by Chance to practice this skill. To practice the skill of saying, loudly and clearly, "Stop talking to me. We are done. Leave me alone, you are harassing me." It is hard to say that with self assurance, but Jealous Nitwit gives you the opportunity to try it out. You are the hero of your story, and you get to draw your laser sword now and swing it around. (Practice infront of the mirror, first!)
Good luck!
And again, congratulations!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:04 AM on June 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Definite mommy issues.
Mail him the magazine. Any time he approaches you from now until the end of time, simply say, "we have nothing to discuss." If he presses, say "This conversation is over." If he continues to press you just keep saying "GOODBYE." FIRMLY.
Turn, walk away, talk to someone else or call someone if you can't physically move away. Make your body language speak for you. I'd recommend calling someone, as it will give you at least an audio witness if he tries to grab your arm or more, plus you can pointedly talk to them about this guy who won't leave you alone.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 7:45 AM on June 8, 2010
Mail him the magazine. Any time he approaches you from now until the end of time, simply say, "we have nothing to discuss." If he presses, say "This conversation is over." If he continues to press you just keep saying "GOODBYE." FIRMLY.
Turn, walk away, talk to someone else or call someone if you can't physically move away. Make your body language speak for you. I'd recommend calling someone, as it will give you at least an audio witness if he tries to grab your arm or more, plus you can pointedly talk to them about this guy who won't leave you alone.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 7:45 AM on June 8, 2010
The comment by Omnomnom is a really good one-- worth reading every day until this situation clears up, I think.
posted by jokeefe at 9:47 AM on June 8, 2010
posted by jokeefe at 9:47 AM on June 8, 2010
Huh.
I feel a little weird about saying this, but how do you know he wasn't waiting to apologize in person for his crazy email of the night before? And are you sure he wasn't following you because you bolted so quickly from the room that you left your books behind and he was trying to give them back? (And is it possible that when you did grab your books from him you accidentally took his as well?)
(Or maybe I'm misunderstanding you and the books were ones he'd borrowed from you earlier or something -- if that's it it still seems possible that the only reason he was waiting for you was to return them so he could be done with you.)
I mean, sure, maybe he was aiming for more confrontation (in which case staying in or near the classroom would've been a better choice, so there'd be witnesses and some social pressure on him to keep it relatively quiet) but even if so the way you reacted there sure seems likely to escalate the drama, not smooth things over. I get that you're freaked out but it sounds like you just panicked and took off running before even finding out what the situation was.
posted by ook at 10:52 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I feel a little weird about saying this, but how do you know he wasn't waiting to apologize in person for his crazy email of the night before? And are you sure he wasn't following you because you bolted so quickly from the room that you left your books behind and he was trying to give them back? (And is it possible that when you did grab your books from him you accidentally took his as well?)
(Or maybe I'm misunderstanding you and the books were ones he'd borrowed from you earlier or something -- if that's it it still seems possible that the only reason he was waiting for you was to return them so he could be done with you.)
I mean, sure, maybe he was aiming for more confrontation (in which case staying in or near the classroom would've been a better choice, so there'd be witnesses and some social pressure on him to keep it relatively quiet) but even if so the way you reacted there sure seems likely to escalate the drama, not smooth things over. I get that you're freaked out but it sounds like you just panicked and took off running before even finding out what the situation was.
posted by ook at 10:52 AM on June 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I agree with Ook. Why run and exacerbate the situation, especially if you were in public around other people?
I have to say something about this story doesn't add up to me. This guy is probably "crazy," definitely sounds like an immature, narcissistic, jealous weirdo...but I'd be interesting in hearing his side of things. You (understandably) explain everything with an "I am the victim, he did everything wrong" tone, but I just think there's more to this story.
Not that it matters that much... because as far as teh rest of your post, the "what do I do now? part, most have already given great advice. 1) Don't bad-mouth him to others, don't tell your private business, just do what you want without him. 2) Let him know you have no interest in speaking to him. 3) Stay in the class and move on.
posted by GeniPalm at 3:45 PM on June 8, 2010
I have to say something about this story doesn't add up to me. This guy is probably "crazy," definitely sounds like an immature, narcissistic, jealous weirdo...but I'd be interesting in hearing his side of things. You (understandably) explain everything with an "I am the victim, he did everything wrong" tone, but I just think there's more to this story.
Not that it matters that much... because as far as teh rest of your post, the "what do I do now? part, most have already given great advice. 1) Don't bad-mouth him to others, don't tell your private business, just do what you want without him. 2) Let him know you have no interest in speaking to him. 3) Stay in the class and move on.
posted by GeniPalm at 3:45 PM on June 8, 2010
As a wise old man once explained to me: "In this world, someone has to be the asshole. Be glad it isn't you."
posted by LarryC at 4:34 PM on June 8, 2010
posted by LarryC at 4:34 PM on June 8, 2010
« Older Need web-based tool for table-top RPG background... | I'd like to Flip these videos onto a disc now ... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
In my experience, people who are insecure about their own perceived failings often lash out at other people by using the same things they're insecure about as ammo towards other people. Example: "You talk too much. Everyone says so." Well... a) if "everyone says so," chances are you've heard that before, and b) if "everyone says so," why is this person the only one trying to hammer it into your brain?
So take that and look at the "immaturity" comment. Um... who's the person with more life experience and less crazy behavior? Because it sure isn't Sam.
The talented non-crazies will see this, and if they don't? You don't need 'em. Trust me.
Hold your head high, make sure that your life and work are truly free of drama (truly, okay? Don't give anyone any reason to mess with you), and then disengage as much as possible. You can totally make it through those next three weeks, and your true abilities and friendship will speak for themselves.
As for taking care of yourself, do absolutely every little self-care trick that you can think of. Use headphones, look the other direction, give yourself bubble baths, whatever. DON'T LET HIS BEHAVIOR DICTATE YOUR OWN.
posted by Madamina at 10:06 AM on June 7, 2010 [3 favorites]