Stalkerish move?
May 3, 2010 9:56 AM Subscribe
Would like to send an email to someone I feel strongly about, but not sure if that would be considered stalkerish.
Basically, I met this guy, felt strongly about him, and we mostly kept in contact through Facebook. He recently came back from some travels, and there was some flirting involved over Facebook, and I got really confused over what exactly was going on between us. It ended up that I messaged him and basically told him that I liked him a lot, although I was a little unsure in what way.
He replied in a couple of days and told me that he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends--so I might have totally misread his signals. I sent back some sort of response. The next day, I sent him a private message in response to something he posted, and he blocked me on Facebook.
I might have overstepped some personal boundaries that I didn't know about when I wrote the message--I don't know. When I bumped into him at school the other day, he refused to make eye contact and acted like I wasn't even there and he didn't see me (and I was almost standing directly in front of him).
I don't need to know his reasons--I guess I came on too strong for him or I was too intense for his liking, or what might be likely is that I really did completely misread his intentions and he got freaked out (even though I was really sure he felt something back--I don't think I would have written the letter otherwise).
Things are extremely awkward now. I don't see him much around school anyway, and we mostly communicated through Facebook in any case, so I can probably just let this die and chalk it up to experience and a harsh lesson. But I don't want to let him go without at least acknowledging the awkwardness and saying some sort of goodbye and wishing him well with his graduation and new studies. I'm thinking of sending him an email, but I don't know if that's being inappropriate and disrespectful and too stalkerish. He did block me, after all, which to me means he doesn't wish any more contact, and he doesn't strike me as the type who does that much to people.
So, should I just let this go, or should I send him the email? I'm moving on in either case.
Basically, I met this guy, felt strongly about him, and we mostly kept in contact through Facebook. He recently came back from some travels, and there was some flirting involved over Facebook, and I got really confused over what exactly was going on between us. It ended up that I messaged him and basically told him that I liked him a lot, although I was a little unsure in what way.
He replied in a couple of days and told me that he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends--so I might have totally misread his signals. I sent back some sort of response. The next day, I sent him a private message in response to something he posted, and he blocked me on Facebook.
I might have overstepped some personal boundaries that I didn't know about when I wrote the message--I don't know. When I bumped into him at school the other day, he refused to make eye contact and acted like I wasn't even there and he didn't see me (and I was almost standing directly in front of him).
I don't need to know his reasons--I guess I came on too strong for him or I was too intense for his liking, or what might be likely is that I really did completely misread his intentions and he got freaked out (even though I was really sure he felt something back--I don't think I would have written the letter otherwise).
Things are extremely awkward now. I don't see him much around school anyway, and we mostly communicated through Facebook in any case, so I can probably just let this die and chalk it up to experience and a harsh lesson. But I don't want to let him go without at least acknowledging the awkwardness and saying some sort of goodbye and wishing him well with his graduation and new studies. I'm thinking of sending him an email, but I don't know if that's being inappropriate and disrespectful and too stalkerish. He did block me, after all, which to me means he doesn't wish any more contact, and he doesn't strike me as the type who does that much to people.
So, should I just let this go, or should I send him the email? I'm moving on in either case.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
You are bugging him and acting weird. Stop it. You're only going to make it worse and make yourself look like a fool. Nothing good will come of it.
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:59 AM on May 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
posted by Optimus Chyme at 9:59 AM on May 3, 2010 [7 favorites]
He's been pretty explicit in his actions. He blocked you on Facebook and ignored you in person. I know you feel awkward and maybe misunderstood, and I sympathize with you. But you shouldn't contact him again.
posted by kate blank at 9:59 AM on May 3, 2010 [13 favorites]
posted by kate blank at 9:59 AM on May 3, 2010 [13 favorites]
Write out the email to make yourself feel better, and then delete it without sending it to him.
It really won't accomplish anything wrt your relationship with him; he's already blocked you, is obviously uncomfortable, and as you say you are moving on. So this email idea is really all about getting you closure.
You'll only feel worse if you actually send it and hear nothing back (which is what I think will happen).
Delete and move on.
posted by misha at 10:00 AM on May 3, 2010 [9 favorites]
It really won't accomplish anything wrt your relationship with him; he's already blocked you, is obviously uncomfortable, and as you say you are moving on. So this email idea is really all about getting you closure.
You'll only feel worse if you actually send it and hear nothing back (which is what I think will happen).
Delete and move on.
posted by misha at 10:00 AM on May 3, 2010 [9 favorites]
But I don't want to let him go without at least acknowledging the awkwardness and saying some sort of goodbye and wishing him well with his graduation and new studies.
You may feel you need this, but he doesn't. Definitely let it go.
posted by hermitosis at 10:00 AM on May 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
You may feel you need this, but he doesn't. Definitely let it go.
posted by hermitosis at 10:00 AM on May 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
He did block me, after all, which to me means he doesn't wish any more contact (elisynn)
You're right. Move on. You can follow misha's suggestion of writing the email and then deleting it if you think it'll make you feel better, but don't get in touch with him again.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:03 AM on May 3, 2010
You're right. Move on. You can follow misha's suggestion of writing the email and then deleting it if you think it'll make you feel better, but don't get in touch with him again.
posted by ocherdraco at 10:03 AM on May 3, 2010
You're hoping he'll reply. A glimmer. He won't.
Let it go.
posted by fire&wings at 10:04 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Let it go.
posted by fire&wings at 10:04 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm thinking of sending him an email, but I don't know if that's being inappropriate and disrespectful and too stalkerish
The answer is YES it is - don't do it.
posted by RajahKing at 10:05 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
The answer is YES it is - don't do it.
posted by RajahKing at 10:05 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
You may feel you need this, but he doesn't.
Yes, you can get closure on this issue without actually involving him. What if you send him an email and he responds with a strongly worded message to stop contacting him? Then you'll feel even worse about it.
As misha said it may help to write the email that you want to write just to get it off your chest, and then delete it without sending it to him. Or just talk to a friend about it. Either way, get to a point where you can accept what happened and learn from it, and then move on.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:08 AM on May 3, 2010
Yes, you can get closure on this issue without actually involving him. What if you send him an email and he responds with a strongly worded message to stop contacting him? Then you'll feel even worse about it.
As misha said it may help to write the email that you want to write just to get it off your chest, and then delete it without sending it to him. Or just talk to a friend about it. Either way, get to a point where you can accept what happened and learn from it, and then move on.
posted by burnmp3s at 10:08 AM on May 3, 2010
...he blocked me on Facebook.
This means that you have, unfortunately, dropped below "tolerable" as far as he is concerned. Sorry. Any amount of social contact is now inappropriate.
...told me that he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends
I know it is difficult, but next time? Stop here. Your self-respect will thank you.
posted by griphus at 10:09 AM on May 3, 2010 [8 favorites]
This means that you have, unfortunately, dropped below "tolerable" as far as he is concerned. Sorry. Any amount of social contact is now inappropriate.
...told me that he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends
I know it is difficult, but next time? Stop here. Your self-respect will thank you.
posted by griphus at 10:09 AM on May 3, 2010 [8 favorites]
He doesn't strike you as the type of person that blocks contact with people and you still want to contact him? I'm a bit surprised you aren't a little more mortified at the situation and would just want to let it go and try not to think about it. Contacting again is definitely a stalker move.
posted by meerkatty at 10:13 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by meerkatty at 10:13 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
You'll only feel worse if you actually send it and hear nothing back (which is what I think will happen).
This. At some point, after some action on your part and no response on his part, you are going to have to let it go and move on. You should choose to have that happen sooner rather than later.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:15 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
This. At some point, after some action on your part and no response on his part, you are going to have to let it go and move on. You should choose to have that happen sooner rather than later.
posted by shakespeherian at 10:15 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
I agree that if you send the email, you will not look back on this with a sense of "Man, I'm glad I said that!" but rather an embarrassed, "Oy, that was so ill-advised, and I'd really prefer to not remember myself as being completely hung up on someone who clearly did not feel the same way."
Having been the person who often wanted closure, it's really sometimes best to recognize that you're in fact keeping yourself from moving on by still compiling these mental or actual emails.
Additionally, this will totally not play well in any mentions he passes onto other people about you.
posted by questionsandanchors at 10:21 AM on May 3, 2010
Having been the person who often wanted closure, it's really sometimes best to recognize that you're in fact keeping yourself from moving on by still compiling these mental or actual emails.
Additionally, this will totally not play well in any mentions he passes onto other people about you.
posted by questionsandanchors at 10:21 AM on May 3, 2010
The golden rule of not being a stalker, is if you ask yourself "hey, I wonder if the person in question would consider this stalking?" the answer is always yes.
Even if you think the answer is "probably not," the answer is always yes.
I say this both as somebody who has been stalked, and as somebody whose behaviour could easily have gone over the line once if I hadn't been stalked, and didn't recognize in myself the seeds of the kind of behaviour my stalker engaged in.
posted by Shepherd at 10:21 AM on May 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
Even if you think the answer is "probably not," the answer is always yes.
I say this both as somebody who has been stalked, and as somebody whose behaviour could easily have gone over the line once if I hadn't been stalked, and didn't recognize in myself the seeds of the kind of behaviour my stalker engaged in.
posted by Shepherd at 10:21 AM on May 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
From your description, it sounds like you never actually spent any time together in person, never dated, and he never expressed any interest in you beyond friendship, is that true? can you clarify?
posted by jardinier at 10:22 AM on May 3, 2010
posted by jardinier at 10:22 AM on May 3, 2010
But I don't want to let him go without at least acknowledging the awkwardness and saying some sort of goodbye and wishing him well with his graduation and new studies.
This sounds really desperate. You sound like you want just a little bit of connection to meet whatever need you have to be in his presence. Just forget he exists and don't poeticize your former interactions with him or think you have some special connection. He really does not like you at all and wants nothing to do with you.
posted by anniecat at 10:23 AM on May 3, 2010
This sounds really desperate. You sound like you want just a little bit of connection to meet whatever need you have to be in his presence. Just forget he exists and don't poeticize your former interactions with him or think you have some special connection. He really does not like you at all and wants nothing to do with you.
posted by anniecat at 10:23 AM on May 3, 2010
You can't get closure from an email. You can get closure by getting some serious distance from the situation so that you can see it from a new, wiser perspective.
posted by oinopaponton at 10:23 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by oinopaponton at 10:23 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Risk being a contrarian here. ..
This guy is a jerk. If you really did bump into him (not stalking him) and he can't even look at you or acknowledge your presence, then I'd say this guy isn't very normal/mature. He can at least maintain basic courtesies that society demands (as superficial as it may be).
Definitely move on. But a quick, "Hey I'm not gonna stalk you, I get it that you don't like me, so grow up and learn to be socially pleasant and not ignore people with out as much as a cursory hello." might be warranted. (note, you need to really mean the no stalking bit) I think it would be good to expose how childish he is being. He might be really egotistical and be offended just by you liking him--if so, that is horrible. You don't want him either way.
posted by chinabound at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
This guy is a jerk. If you really did bump into him (not stalking him) and he can't even look at you or acknowledge your presence, then I'd say this guy isn't very normal/mature. He can at least maintain basic courtesies that society demands (as superficial as it may be).
Definitely move on. But a quick, "Hey I'm not gonna stalk you, I get it that you don't like me, so grow up and learn to be socially pleasant and not ignore people with out as much as a cursory hello." might be warranted. (note, you need to really mean the no stalking bit) I think it would be good to expose how childish he is being. He might be really egotistical and be offended just by you liking him--if so, that is horrible. You don't want him either way.
posted by chinabound at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Jardinier: my previous question has a few more details, but basically, I did spend a couple of days in his company, and we were together a lot during those days, so yes, I know him in person. Also the whole friendship/romantic interest thing on his part--well, that might be where my perceptions totally screwed me up.
I'm feeling like a total idiot now for having thought of sending the email.
posted by elisynn at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2010
I'm feeling like a total idiot now for having thought of sending the email.
posted by elisynn at 10:38 AM on May 3, 2010
BTW, I don't see this as stalking either way. You have noted you will more on regardless. This is just getting it off your chest, speaking your piece etc. Note what others said about how it might make you look. But I still think you are dealing with an immature brat.
posted by chinabound at 10:44 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by chinabound at 10:44 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wouldn't feel like a total idiot. I'd bet a good sum of money that we'd be hard pressed to find a Mefite who hasn't wanted closure or clarification or to try a romantic gesture just one more time. We're human, and it happens, and it's a good learning lesson of how to let things go and not make fools (or stalkers) out of ourselves. Don't sweat it.
posted by meerkatty at 10:47 AM on May 3, 2010 [14 favorites]
posted by meerkatty at 10:47 AM on May 3, 2010 [14 favorites]
elisynn - Don't beat yourself up. You're not an idiot -- you came here before sending it, and it probably confirmed something that you deep-down suspected was true (that it was probably crossing a line). An idiot would have just sent it without thinking or asking about it, blissfully unaware of how it might have been received.
I really like misha's suggestion of writing him an email/letter and deleting it ... or better yet, write it by hand and tear it up or burn it or something. Chinabound makes a good point in that it does sound like his reaction to you was a bit excessive -- unless your private message was really insane (e.g. "I want to wear your SKIN!"), it's pretty damn rude to totally ignore someone you know. I do NOT think you should bring this to his attention, however...I think you should just let that drive you to get him out of your head. He's just not that awesome.
posted by tastybrains at 10:48 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
I really like misha's suggestion of writing him an email/letter and deleting it ... or better yet, write it by hand and tear it up or burn it or something. Chinabound makes a good point in that it does sound like his reaction to you was a bit excessive -- unless your private message was really insane (e.g. "I want to wear your SKIN!"), it's pretty damn rude to totally ignore someone you know. I do NOT think you should bring this to his attention, however...I think you should just let that drive you to get him out of your head. He's just not that awesome.
posted by tastybrains at 10:48 AM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm feeling like a total idiot now for having thought of sending the email.
Don't beat yourself up too much about this. It's a totally normal impulse-- when you're really into someone, walking away hurts and is hard. In your previous question, you mentioned that you haven't had a boyfriend before, which I'm guessing means that this is the first time you've put your feelings on the line for someone like this. Rejection stings, and you have every right to feel hurt. The thing is, it'll be a million times more painful and more embarrassing if you don't quit now. The sooner you decide to get over this one guy, the sooner you can start meeting guys who are both awesome AND into you.
posted by oinopaponton at 10:49 AM on May 3, 2010
Don't beat yourself up too much about this. It's a totally normal impulse-- when you're really into someone, walking away hurts and is hard. In your previous question, you mentioned that you haven't had a boyfriend before, which I'm guessing means that this is the first time you've put your feelings on the line for someone like this. Rejection stings, and you have every right to feel hurt. The thing is, it'll be a million times more painful and more embarrassing if you don't quit now. The sooner you decide to get over this one guy, the sooner you can start meeting guys who are both awesome AND into you.
posted by oinopaponton at 10:49 AM on May 3, 2010
You're not an idiot. I daresay that the reason most people are so strident about you not sending the email is that many of us have been in the same or similar position to you now and are speaking from experience. I know I have.
posted by gaspode at 10:53 AM on May 3, 2010 [27 favorites]
posted by gaspode at 10:53 AM on May 3, 2010 [27 favorites]
Ok, so you never had a relationship - you can email him, but cut out the "saying some sort of goodbye and wishing him well with his graduation and new studies" part.
The connection you feel is entirely one-sided, it's obviously not reciprocated. That said - there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling about how awkward the situation became. You misread things but acted in good faith, but he took that as too much and reacted (as chinabound notes) like an immature brat.
So, send him a note - just be humble, tell him you're sorry for misreading his signals and you won't bother him again. But I agree, feel free to call him out for being so immature that he didn't write you and explain that when he said "he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends" he really meant "don't ever contact me again" - which he should have just said. It's his fault for not being clear.
Bottom line, he isn't good enough for you - focus on his faults (he's so lame he can't even look you in the eye) and move on.
posted by jardinier at 10:58 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
The connection you feel is entirely one-sided, it's obviously not reciprocated. That said - there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling about how awkward the situation became. You misread things but acted in good faith, but he took that as too much and reacted (as chinabound notes) like an immature brat.
So, send him a note - just be humble, tell him you're sorry for misreading his signals and you won't bother him again. But I agree, feel free to call him out for being so immature that he didn't write you and explain that when he said "he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends" he really meant "don't ever contact me again" - which he should have just said. It's his fault for not being clear.
Bottom line, he isn't good enough for you - focus on his faults (he's so lame he can't even look you in the eye) and move on.
posted by jardinier at 10:58 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm feeling like a total idiot now for having thought of sending the email.
Don't beat yourself up. You're not an idiot for having thought of it. Of course you liked him and wanted to connect. But you posted and have since talked yourself out of it. That shows that you definitely have self-awareness necessary to navigate society, so good for you. A real idiot wouldn't have been able to step back and see what she was doing and did it anyway because it felt good.
posted by anniecat at 11:00 AM on May 3, 2010
Don't beat yourself up. You're not an idiot for having thought of it. Of course you liked him and wanted to connect. But you posted and have since talked yourself out of it. That shows that you definitely have self-awareness necessary to navigate society, so good for you. A real idiot wouldn't have been able to step back and see what she was doing and did it anyway because it felt good.
posted by anniecat at 11:00 AM on May 3, 2010
You're not an idiot and neither is he.
Stop fretting over this one guy. Consider the relationship closed. You are now free to move on to more receptive men.
posted by 26.2 at 11:08 AM on May 3, 2010
Stop fretting over this one guy. Consider the relationship closed. You are now free to move on to more receptive men.
posted by 26.2 at 11:08 AM on May 3, 2010
elisynn, don't beat yourself up. We've ALL been there. Seriously, we've all done dumb crush-induced things that we cringe about after and laugh about later. That's what friends (and AskMefi!) are for - we all need a reality check sooner or later. The fact that you came out and asked for the reality check yourself puts you higher up on the scale of self-aware and not-a-social-weirdo. Most people (including myself in past instances) need to be beaten over the head with the reality check, and it usually ain't pretty.
Hold your head high and don't waste another thought on him.
feel free to call him out for being so immature that he didn't write you and explain that when he said "he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends" he really meant "don't ever contact me again" - which he should have just said. It's his fault for not being clear.
I've gotta disagree with this. It's true that he didn't handle OP's attentions with much grace, but good lord... writing him with such a bitter and resentful tone is just going to make her feel worse and validate his decision to cut off contact with her. Walk away with the last word, or with her dignity intact? My preference is for the latter.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:27 AM on May 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
Hold your head high and don't waste another thought on him.
feel free to call him out for being so immature that he didn't write you and explain that when he said "he was flattered, but he only wanted to remain friends" he really meant "don't ever contact me again" - which he should have just said. It's his fault for not being clear.
I've gotta disagree with this. It's true that he didn't handle OP's attentions with much grace, but good lord... writing him with such a bitter and resentful tone is just going to make her feel worse and validate his decision to cut off contact with her. Walk away with the last word, or with her dignity intact? My preference is for the latter.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:27 AM on May 3, 2010 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your responses. I actually had the email written, but I've been hedging about sending it for a little while--yeah, something about it didn't feel right, but I just had this impulse/need to do so, whether or not he would respond. I'm the sort of person who almost requires closure, otherwise it drives me nuts.
I don't know about his maturity or motives, but he was awesome when I met him and just felt right for me during those days I spent in his company, in a way I've never felt before, so that might have triggered my subsequent obsession with him. A few of my friends (they don't know him) were surprised by my intense reaction and the fact that I actually found the nerve to tell him I liked him, which I guess is out of character for me.
Right. So I'm going to take everyone's advice and put away the email and just drop this. I don't _really_ think I'm a total idiot, but this whole situation has been totally confusing and embarrassing (coupled with the fact that I have little past experience dealing with relationships) and from start to finish I don't think I've been handling it well.
Chalk it up to experience, and now to deal with moving on. Thanks guys.
posted by elisynn at 11:33 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know about his maturity or motives, but he was awesome when I met him and just felt right for me during those days I spent in his company, in a way I've never felt before, so that might have triggered my subsequent obsession with him. A few of my friends (they don't know him) were surprised by my intense reaction and the fact that I actually found the nerve to tell him I liked him, which I guess is out of character for me.
Right. So I'm going to take everyone's advice and put away the email and just drop this. I don't _really_ think I'm a total idiot, but this whole situation has been totally confusing and embarrassing (coupled with the fact that I have little past experience dealing with relationships) and from start to finish I don't think I've been handling it well.
Chalk it up to experience, and now to deal with moving on. Thanks guys.
posted by elisynn at 11:33 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm with the 'leave it alone' crowd, but... I might, just might, the next time I see him in person, say something to call him out for handling this like a high schooler. Just a light touch, delivered with a small smile and told jokingly, so he's made to feel a little stupid for acting that way towards someone who is obviously cool about the 'just friends' thing.
posted by wwartorff at 11:38 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by wwartorff at 11:38 AM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
I daresay that the reason most people are so strident about you not sending the email is that many of us have been in the same or similar position to you now and are speaking from experience. I know I have.
That, and some of us have been in the same or similar position to him as well.
I might, just might, the next time I see him in person, say something to call him out for handling this like a high schooler.
Oh please, please don't do this.
posted by hermitosis at 11:47 AM on May 3, 2010 [13 favorites]
That, and some of us have been in the same or similar position to him as well.
I might, just might, the next time I see him in person, say something to call him out for handling this like a high schooler.
Oh please, please don't do this.
posted by hermitosis at 11:47 AM on May 3, 2010 [13 favorites]
You liked him. He didn't like you that way and told you so. You ignored it and persisted. He did the correct thing, which was to cut off contact.
Consider this a learning experience and just let it be - there is nothing you can do to fix it or make it better now. Only time will possibly smooth things over - show him by your actions that you are cool with letting him be, no odd looks, no weird hints, no more attempts to contact him etc.
posted by meepmeow at 11:58 AM on May 3, 2010
Consider this a learning experience and just let it be - there is nothing you can do to fix it or make it better now. Only time will possibly smooth things over - show him by your actions that you are cool with letting him be, no odd looks, no weird hints, no more attempts to contact him etc.
posted by meepmeow at 11:58 AM on May 3, 2010
I'm the sort of person who almost requires closure, otherwise it drives me nuts.
It may be helpful in the future to keep in mind that closure (such as it is) is very rarely something we get from other people; it's almost always something we give ourselves.
And yeah, count me in as another one of the "been there, done that; you're not an idiot but OH GOD please learn from my own mistake!" brigade.
posted by scody at 12:04 PM on May 3, 2010 [18 favorites]
It may be helpful in the future to keep in mind that closure (such as it is) is very rarely something we get from other people; it's almost always something we give ourselves.
And yeah, count me in as another one of the "been there, done that; you're not an idiot but OH GOD please learn from my own mistake!" brigade.
posted by scody at 12:04 PM on May 3, 2010 [18 favorites]
elisynn, you've made a great decision to drop it and move on. But there's something a bit misogynistic about all this pleading with you to not tell this guy how silly he's been, as though you should sit there and take it so you don't annoy him.
If you feel like it's necessary for you to have closure in the situation, you have as much right to tell him how absurd he acted as he had to act like a jerk to begin with. Just be polite, direct and succinct about it, and then never talk to him again.
There is a long and venerable history to the tell-off. As Monie Love says "get it out your system, don't be another victim."
posted by jardinier at 12:19 PM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you feel like it's necessary for you to have closure in the situation, you have as much right to tell him how absurd he acted as he had to act like a jerk to begin with. Just be polite, direct and succinct about it, and then never talk to him again.
There is a long and venerable history to the tell-off. As Monie Love says "get it out your system, don't be another victim."
posted by jardinier at 12:19 PM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
If you feel like it's necessary for you to have closure in the situation, you have as much right to tell him how absurd he acted as he had to act like a jerk to begin with. Just be polite, direct and succinct about it, and then never talk to him again.
Closure isn't something you can induce, it's just something you acknowledge when it happens, if it happens. Managing your life's peccadilloes so that they conform to the story arc of a 30 minute sitcom -- or even an hourlong cable drama -- does not make you a more complete person, nor will it salve your hurt feelings.
there's something a bit misogynistic about all this pleading with you to not tell this guy how silly he's been, as though you should sit there and take it so you don't annoy him.
Quite the opposite -- if the genders were reversed, I think most people here would ascribe even more stalkery motivations to the poster's dilemma.
posted by hermitosis at 12:27 PM on May 3, 2010 [11 favorites]
Closure isn't something you can induce, it's just something you acknowledge when it happens, if it happens. Managing your life's peccadilloes so that they conform to the story arc of a 30 minute sitcom -- or even an hourlong cable drama -- does not make you a more complete person, nor will it salve your hurt feelings.
there's something a bit misogynistic about all this pleading with you to not tell this guy how silly he's been, as though you should sit there and take it so you don't annoy him.
Quite the opposite -- if the genders were reversed, I think most people here would ascribe even more stalkery motivations to the poster's dilemma.
posted by hermitosis at 12:27 PM on May 3, 2010 [11 favorites]
Quite the opposite -- if the genders were reversed, I think most people here would ascribe even more stalkery motivations to the poster's dilemma.
A great point! And hermitosis is right on, you can't induce closure. I only meant that your original post you said "I'm the sort of person who almost requires closure, otherwise it drives me nuts. " So it sounds like for you, a sense of closure could be reached by doing what you felt like you needed to do. If you can reach that sense without doing it, even better.
posted by jardinier at 12:34 PM on May 3, 2010
A great point! And hermitosis is right on, you can't induce closure. I only meant that your original post you said "I'm the sort of person who almost requires closure, otherwise it drives me nuts. " So it sounds like for you, a sense of closure could be reached by doing what you felt like you needed to do. If you can reach that sense without doing it, even better.
posted by jardinier at 12:34 PM on May 3, 2010
I was in your shoes once. I kept contacting past when I should have stopped, and eventually he invited me to meet him at a bar. He was there with a date, whom he pulled into the bathroom in front of me and emerged holding her hand 10 minutes later. Don't wait until that point.
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:50 PM on May 3, 2010
posted by emilyd22222 at 12:50 PM on May 3, 2010
He tells you he wants to be friends and the next day he blocks you when you message him? He's a jerk.
Don't feel silly or bad. You haven't done anything wrong. If you send him any message at all, it should be one telling him that making fake promises and blocking you makes him look paranoid and immature. Or you could just shrug it off. But don't be nicey-nice and send him a sweet message wishing him well, because that makes you look like a doormat.
posted by orange swan at 1:01 PM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't feel silly or bad. You haven't done anything wrong. If you send him any message at all, it should be one telling him that making fake promises and blocking you makes him look paranoid and immature. Or you could just shrug it off. But don't be nicey-nice and send him a sweet message wishing him well, because that makes you look like a doormat.
posted by orange swan at 1:01 PM on May 3, 2010 [2 favorites]
closure (such as it is) is very rarely something we get from other people; it's almost always something we give ourselves (scody)
Closure isn't something you can induce, it's just something you acknowledge when it happens, if it happens. (hermitosis)
Two different approaches, but both have lots of truth. The takeaway: closure doesn't involve other people, it only involves yourself.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:42 PM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Closure isn't something you can induce, it's just something you acknowledge when it happens, if it happens. (hermitosis)
Two different approaches, but both have lots of truth. The takeaway: closure doesn't involve other people, it only involves yourself.
posted by ocherdraco at 1:42 PM on May 3, 2010 [1 favorite]
Please don't feel bad, elisynn! As others have said before me, we've all been there, and gone that one extra step only to realize after the fact, "OMG, I should NOT have done that!" At least you had the sense to ask the question before you sent that email.
And he does sound jerkish, so you are better off without him!
posted by misha at 2:13 PM on May 3, 2010
And he does sound jerkish, so you are better off without him!
posted by misha at 2:13 PM on May 3, 2010
When a guy wants to be with you he'll do anything he can to make it happen. Tip for next time.
posted by Honkshu at 3:15 PM on May 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Honkshu at 3:15 PM on May 3, 2010 [4 favorites]
As many other people have said, you are not an idiot. You are not an idiot, and learn from our mistakes. I still cringe ever so slightly when I think of one particular "but we can still be friends, right?" conversation. I wish I could go back to talk to my 23-year-old self and tell her he's not worth it; save your self-respect; don't waste your time on him; forget about him and let your mind get clear; you'll be happier on your own, and you'll be able to recognize it when you meet somebody decent.
So... he's not worth it. Save your self-respect. Don't waste your time on him. Forget about him and let your mind get clear. You'll be happier on your own, and you'll be able to recognize it when you meet somebody decent.
And I do think he sounds... less than mature in how he handled this. From "let's just stay friends" to "blocked — you may not contact me" and "I'm going to ignore you in public" in the space of a day? Unless the message you sent was YOU MUST BE WITH ME NOW OR I WILL BOIL YOUR BUNNY that sounds like rather an overreaction.
posted by Lexica at 7:22 PM on May 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
So... he's not worth it. Save your self-respect. Don't waste your time on him. Forget about him and let your mind get clear. You'll be happier on your own, and you'll be able to recognize it when you meet somebody decent.
And I do think he sounds... less than mature in how he handled this. From "let's just stay friends" to "blocked — you may not contact me" and "I'm going to ignore you in public" in the space of a day? Unless the message you sent was YOU MUST BE WITH ME NOW OR I WILL BOIL YOUR BUNNY that sounds like rather an overreaction.
posted by Lexica at 7:22 PM on May 3, 2010 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Wow, I didn't expect all these responses following my last post.
There was actually more going on in this whole thing than what the details I've posted might indicate; I didn't include them because they didn't have much to do with my original question. In his defense, the last message I sent wasn't as extreme as Lexica's "you must be with me now or I will boil your bunny", but it can be honestly interpreted (in retrospect) as weird and maybe a little too much like I still didn't get it, especially if he wasn't close to feeling the same way as me; for my part, I might have been too caught up in the rejection or thought he really liked me, if not romantically, and the tone of my last message might have suggested a closer friendship than what was actually there. I've talked to an adult confidante about this when I was all confused in the aftermath, and she was telling me it was probably a really bad case of miscommunication/misinterpretation in many of our interactions (it was mostly online, after all, even if I did spend a few days with him initially) that led up to the break.
In any case, I really, really appreciate everyone's advice and viewpoints and honest opinions. It's kind of hard to figure out what actually went on without knowing his side of things, but I'm not going there.
posted by elisynn at 10:06 PM on May 3, 2010
There was actually more going on in this whole thing than what the details I've posted might indicate; I didn't include them because they didn't have much to do with my original question. In his defense, the last message I sent wasn't as extreme as Lexica's "you must be with me now or I will boil your bunny", but it can be honestly interpreted (in retrospect) as weird and maybe a little too much like I still didn't get it, especially if he wasn't close to feeling the same way as me; for my part, I might have been too caught up in the rejection or thought he really liked me, if not romantically, and the tone of my last message might have suggested a closer friendship than what was actually there. I've talked to an adult confidante about this when I was all confused in the aftermath, and she was telling me it was probably a really bad case of miscommunication/misinterpretation in many of our interactions (it was mostly online, after all, even if I did spend a few days with him initially) that led up to the break.
In any case, I really, really appreciate everyone's advice and viewpoints and honest opinions. It's kind of hard to figure out what actually went on without knowing his side of things, but I'm not going there.
posted by elisynn at 10:06 PM on May 3, 2010
I'm more the "you don't like me? well f** you!" kind of person so I'd be far too proud to contact him ever again. But I do understand one reason for wanting to: Part of it is hating the idea that this person will think you are a stalker and a jerk and deranged. You aren't the bad guy in this story! You need him to know this!
What helps me is to consider that in the course of my life, there will be people who think I'm deranged or an idiot or a bad guy. Life happens. Misunderstandings happen. Character clashes happen. I want to be comfortable with the idea that for some people, I am a villain. Only an utterly bland person doesn't clash with others, and I am not a bland person nor do I ever want to be one.
It's ok to be the bad guy for some people. Even people you like. It happens. Make peace with it.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:55 AM on May 4, 2010
What helps me is to consider that in the course of my life, there will be people who think I'm deranged or an idiot or a bad guy. Life happens. Misunderstandings happen. Character clashes happen. I want to be comfortable with the idea that for some people, I am a villain. Only an utterly bland person doesn't clash with others, and I am not a bland person nor do I ever want to be one.
It's ok to be the bad guy for some people. Even people you like. It happens. Make peace with it.
posted by Omnomnom at 12:55 AM on May 4, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by procrastination at 9:57 AM on May 3, 2010 [24 favorites]