Should I date my boss?
April 2, 2010 1:21 AM Subscribe
Should I date my boss? We sit opposite each other at work. Our colleagues know of our potential relationship. We have already slept together. We are definitely in the dating mode, rather than friends (colleagues) with benefits. We get on like a house on fire. He seems like a very decent person. If things fucked up between us, I would be unhappy to leave my job, but not heartbroken. There are other couples at the company we work for.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
Are the other couples in a supervisor/subordinate situation like you are? If not then the situations are completely different.
People can and WILL assume you are using the situation to advance your job and that can be a real black mark. Try to transfer to another person's team, another department, etc. Just get out of a situation where you are sleeping with your direct supervisor.
This can end horribly for both of you on so many levels it really isn't worth it. And if you think it is worth it, one of you needs to quit the job so as to fix things because you are putting him at risk and he is putting you at risk.
I'm not saying this because I don't think you should be together, I'm saying this because of how others (including management and HR) will inevitably perceive such a situation should anything come up that would cause them to question the judgment/position of either of you. Seriously, if you think the relationship is worth it, do something ASAP to remove this landmine from your path.
posted by Elminster24 at 1:47 AM on April 2, 2010 [11 favorites]
People can and WILL assume you are using the situation to advance your job and that can be a real black mark. Try to transfer to another person's team, another department, etc. Just get out of a situation where you are sleeping with your direct supervisor.
This can end horribly for both of you on so many levels it really isn't worth it. And if you think it is worth it, one of you needs to quit the job so as to fix things because you are putting him at risk and he is putting you at risk.
I'm not saying this because I don't think you should be together, I'm saying this because of how others (including management and HR) will inevitably perceive such a situation should anything come up that would cause them to question the judgment/position of either of you. Seriously, if you think the relationship is worth it, do something ASAP to remove this landmine from your path.
posted by Elminster24 at 1:47 AM on April 2, 2010 [11 favorites]
Should you? You already are - you tell us! I mean, you're in it, so is it working out? If so, then yes. If not, then no.
It's not about whether you and your boss break up, I don't think. The main thing is whether the relationship is causing trouble for you or your boss and in your relationship to others, namely everyone else that your boss manages.
posted by zippy at 2:06 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's not about whether you and your boss break up, I don't think. The main thing is whether the relationship is causing trouble for you or your boss and in your relationship to others, namely everyone else that your boss manages.
posted by zippy at 2:06 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Given that you've already slept together and everyone already knows there's something between you, formally dating probably isn't going to make anything any better or worse. Obviously everyone knows it's best not to shit where you eat but we're human and these things do happen, life's long but it's also short. But yeah, damage control, see if you can transfer to another department etc so you don't directly report to him.
posted by Chrysalis at 2:07 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by Chrysalis at 2:07 AM on April 2, 2010
You can't do this, it'll be hellish for those around you and be problematic for both of you, and particularly bad for him professionally. Ask him to help you figure out a transfer or find a new job. Until that happens, be absolutely discreet. Don't show up together, don't leave together, don't have lunch together.
(I don't have issues with people dating each other at work--if I did, there would be no baby llama--except in boss/employee circumstances. )
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:08 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
(I don't have issues with people dating each other at work--if I did, there would be no baby llama--except in boss/employee circumstances. )
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:08 AM on April 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
It depends.
no, really, it depends. Everyone is going to answer this based on their own experience of either being in the situation of the ones dating or being a coworker...it worked or it didn't, it depended on how it was handled, how professional everyone could be, yada, yada...
Like zippy said above, you can answer this better than we can.....
posted by HuronBob at 3:40 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
no, really, it depends. Everyone is going to answer this based on their own experience of either being in the situation of the ones dating or being a coworker...it worked or it didn't, it depended on how it was handled, how professional everyone could be, yada, yada...
Like zippy said above, you can answer this better than we can.....
posted by HuronBob at 3:40 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is the location in your profile correct? It says you live in Berlin. Obviously, there's going to be a huge difference both legally and culturally in Germany compared to the U.S.
Here in the U.S. a Boss dating a subordinate would definitely be a problem for most HR department because it opens them up for liability if the relationship goes bad, or if other women feel like you're getting unfair benefits. A company might try to reassign you. In Germany? I really have no idea.
posted by delmoi at 4:08 AM on April 2, 2010
Here in the U.S. a Boss dating a subordinate would definitely be a problem for most HR department because it opens them up for liability if the relationship goes bad, or if other women feel like you're getting unfair benefits. A company might try to reassign you. In Germany? I really have no idea.
posted by delmoi at 4:08 AM on April 2, 2010
From the sound of it, it's the same in Germany.
Here's an article about it in German: Wie viel Liebe ist im Job erlaubt?
Also muss man sich laut Personalberater Peter Schwan im Klaren darüber sein, dass vielleicht irgendwann der Chef kommt und sagt: "Einer von Ihnen beiden muss uns leider verlassen."
posted by Omnomnom at 4:42 AM on April 2, 2010
Here's an article about it in German: Wie viel Liebe ist im Job erlaubt?
Also muss man sich laut Personalberater Peter Schwan im Klaren darüber sein, dass vielleicht irgendwann der Chef kommt und sagt: "Einer von Ihnen beiden muss uns leider verlassen."
posted by Omnomnom at 4:42 AM on April 2, 2010
Sure, it sounds like you should date him.
But he shouldn't be your boss. Conflict of interest.
posted by desuetude at 6:09 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
But he shouldn't be your boss. Conflict of interest.
posted by desuetude at 6:09 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I dated my boss once. (Actually my direct supervisor's boss, so one degree removed.) Several coworkers were in on getting us together actually. It was no secret. However, when the company underwent a management coup and he was unexpectedly axed, I was collateral damage and was also asked to leave. Then we were together for six years after. So, my advice is if it's public and other people are actually cool with it (as opposed to just mumbling, "sure, no, I'm cool") then you shouldn't dismiss the possibility out of hand. But just be aware it might not be as simple as "if we break up I might have to quit"; there are other possibilities that might cause you to leave your job due to this relationship.
posted by sldownard at 6:10 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by sldownard at 6:10 AM on April 2, 2010
No you shouldn't.
I don't know the details of your work or relationship. But if your boss is the boss of anyone else besides you then your working relationship with your co-workers is going to get hinky. There's no way to clearly separate your private and working lives...
posted by bitdamaged at 7:21 AM on April 2, 2010
I don't know the details of your work or relationship. But if your boss is the boss of anyone else besides you then your working relationship with your co-workers is going to get hinky. There's no way to clearly separate your private and working lives...
posted by bitdamaged at 7:21 AM on April 2, 2010
If I were in this situation myself, I would go for it, but I would try to find a new job or ask for a rearrangement of my position within the company so neither of us would be above the other in the company hierarchy.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:27 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by ocherdraco at 7:27 AM on April 2, 2010
In my company there's a protocol for this - you can no longer report to the person you're dating. Either you move to a new team, or you remain in the same job and report to someone else on the same level as your existing boss. We have situations where people in the US report to people in Europe rather than the local manager because they are or were together at some point.
You _need_ to get out of the report/manager relationship before you go further with this. Any decision that your boss makes from now on is going to be seen in light of his relationship with you, and vice versa. That will not end well for anyone.
posted by StephenF at 7:56 AM on April 2, 2010
You _need_ to get out of the report/manager relationship before you go further with this. Any decision that your boss makes from now on is going to be seen in light of his relationship with you, and vice versa. That will not end well for anyone.
posted by StephenF at 7:56 AM on April 2, 2010
This is a terrible idea. It's unfortunate that you've already slept with him. The only way this won't end in doom is if your working relationship changes so there isn't a conflict of interest. If you really like this guy and see a future with him, it's in your best interest to start looking for another job NOW.
posted by Kimberly at 8:12 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by Kimberly at 8:12 AM on April 2, 2010
I think much depends on the culture at your company. That being said you are clearly int each other and it's difficult to be happy professionally if you are not happy personally. I can't imagine if you didn't date how painful and filled with what ifs you might be when you see him.
posted by UMDirector at 8:14 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by UMDirector at 8:14 AM on April 2, 2010
You've jumped off the cliff. And now you're asking if you should jump off the cliff?
He needs to stop being your boss or your boyfriend/sex partner/whatever immediately. This is not a chocolate+peanut butter situation.
you or he needs to find a new job or a new position within your company.
at many places I've worked you would both be fired outright for this.
posted by French Fry at 8:29 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
He needs to stop being your boss or your boyfriend/sex partner/whatever immediately. This is not a chocolate+peanut butter situation.
you or he needs to find a new job or a new position within your company.
at many places I've worked you would both be fired outright for this.
posted by French Fry at 8:29 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Go ahead and date him but you really, really need to find another job. My mother did this, she did not follow that advice, and was later promoted to manager. Since then she has constantly complained about blatant disrespect from people who report to her, and I suspect that the relationship is the reason. The relationship may work out great, but your professional life could really go in the toilet. Any success you have will be attributed to the fact that you are sleeping with the boss, no matter how (and especially if, if anyone is jealous of you) bright and talented you are.
posted by cottonswab at 8:33 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by cottonswab at 8:33 AM on April 2, 2010
You'd be wise to put the relationship on the back burner from this moment until you find another job. If the relationship works out and you stay in the job, your professional life might be at risk. If it doesn't work out and you stay in this job, it will be awkward and painful and your professional life might still be at risk.
If the guy really is a decent person, he'll understand and give you some space to figure out a better work situation.
(Also, change the Twitter account linked in your profile to protected, stat. I'm guessing your coworkers don't know your username, but if I found anyone I worked with tweeting that stuff about a colleague, I would be sitting in HR with a printout right now.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:49 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
If the guy really is a decent person, he'll understand and give you some space to figure out a better work situation.
(Also, change the Twitter account linked in your profile to protected, stat. I'm guessing your coworkers don't know your username, but if I found anyone I worked with tweeting that stuff about a colleague, I would be sitting in HR with a printout right now.)
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:49 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Life is short. If you really think this relationship has a chance, go for it. Jobs come and go. Relationships between coworkers get awkward for random reasons anyway. Decide to date him and then figure out the rest.
posted by salvia at 9:18 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 9:18 AM on April 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
He can't be effective as your boss because of the relationship. It's not fair to coworkers. It will cause disruption in the office. One of you needs to find a different position in the company.
posted by theora55 at 9:35 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by theora55 at 9:35 AM on April 2, 2010
No, you shouldn't. But you already ARE, and you sound happy. So find a new job.
posted by oblio_one at 10:40 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by oblio_one at 10:40 AM on April 2, 2010
What if you date for a year, you stay at your job, then he breaks up with you and holds some kind of grudge? And then you have to either stay at this job and deal with him being your boss, or you have to depend on his reference to get a new job? The power dynamic is the problem in my eyes, aside from all of the ethical reasons not to do this. Dating one's boss is handing over way more control of one's life than I really feel comfortable with (for myself).
posted by so_gracefully at 10:50 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by so_gracefully at 10:50 AM on April 2, 2010
Yes. Love is more important than work. You can get another job.
posted by chairface at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by chairface at 11:00 AM on April 2, 2010
Why don't you talk to him about it? As your boss, he may have a better perspective on how it may affect your work culture. Maybe he can find a way to get you a transfer within the company that would remove any conflicts of interest.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:43 AM on April 2, 2010
posted by The Light Fantastic at 11:43 AM on April 2, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by maxwelton at 1:30 AM on April 2, 2010