Does he actually like me as a person or is he only interested in sex (29 yr old woman w/no experience)?
posted by wcmf to Human Relations (56 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
I'm a 29 yr old woman currently in bschool. Due to various circumstances, I have zero relationship experience (have never had a bf, never made out w/a guy, never kissed a guy and never had sex). I'm attractive, but I've never been boy crazy and I'm very focused on my career and before entering bschool, I've been working FT and going to school PT ever since I graduated from college (I switched careers and I also like learning new things). So my work and school schedule leaves little time for relationships. I dated a bit, but have never last more than one date. Sometime it's b/c I didn't feel chemistry with the guy and didn't want to see him anymore and sometimes it's b/c the guy didn't want to see me anymore. But I never really obsessed over any one guy.
Enter grad school, although at this point I would like to have a relationship, I wasn't super focused on it. My main focus was still on my career since that's what I entered bschool for. But I met this guy at school who's a year ahead of me. Turns out he's 27. As a 2nd year, he's only 3 months away from graduation and already has a FT offer in hand. He asked me out the 2nd time he met me at a school function. I was really excited b/c he seems like a genuinely nice guy and really cute.
So we went out for drinks, the conversation flowed naturally and easily. I can't say what it is, but on that date, I felt sth. with this guy that I never felt with any other guy before. At the end of the date, he asked when can he sees me again and we set a date to see each other again 3 days later. Then I was prepared to say good-bye. Suddenly he grabbed my hand and said that he doesn't want me to go. He says that he wants me to stay with him. Then he pulled me close to him and hugged me really close. I was really surprised at this since I expected to say good-night and then leave. Besides, we already set up a time to see each other again. My heart was beating super fast and I really didn't know what to expect or what to do at that point since I have never encountered a situation like this before. Then he started to lean very close to my face and nibble up and down my neck. This went on for a while, when he started to get more aggressive, I got nervous and pulled back. Then he stopped and asked me what's wrong. So I told him that I don't have a lot of experience and I want to take things slow. He then told me that he just got out of a serious relationship and want sth. casual right now. I thought that was understandable given the situation and besides, you can't come out and say this is a L-T relationship on the first date, right?
Anyway, the 2nd date went well. At the end, he asks me if I want to come up to his place. I thought this means he wants sex. Sex on the 2nd date is way too fast, so I said that I didn't want to go up. He asked me why. I told him he won't behave very gentlemanly so I'm not going to go to his place. He promised to behave and said that if I felt uncomfortable just let him know and he'll stop. He said he really wanted to show me the view from his place (His place does have a really nice view). So I went up to his place. We were chili'in, then he asked if he could kiss me. I said yes. I thought the first kiss is going to be sweet and tender, I totally didn't expect he was trying to French kiss me from get-go. I got caught up in the excitement of moment and we started fooling around. We both have our clothes on, but we were seriously making out for hours. Around dinnertime I told him I was hungry and want to get sth. to eat, he doesn't want to stop and said we'll get sth. later. It turns out that we didn't stop until 8pm when he has to go somewhere with his friends and then he said he doesn't have time. He sensed I was unhappy about this, so he kissed me, smiled and said next time we'll grab food first, but that means I'll have to see him again. Earlier when we were fooling around, I was feeling conflicted and confused, on the one hand, this is the first guy that I really really liked and felt we had a connection with, on the other hand, I never thought things would happen so fast. I told him that I've never done anything of the sort with any guy before, he said he could then understand why I was upset at what happened on our first date. All this time, he was complimenting me, saying I have "pretty eyes", how hot I looked and he was really turned on by me. But I was really upset when we somehow ventured into discussing the "casual" thing. I asked him what if I found another guy who's interested in a relationship and I have to stop seeing him. He said to go right ahead and see other guys, maybe I didn't find another guy, I just got bored with him. I was so upset that he can just say stuff like that without blinking his eyes like it's no big deal that I almost stormed out.
So then we scheduled a time to talk. After thinking through, I told him that we need to stop seeing each other b/c I didn't want to get emotionally attached to him if it's a "casual" relationship. I'm already feeling more emotionally attached then I thought I would and I don't want to get hurt. He said he understand. So I thought everything ended on a good note and we'll just be friends from then on.
Turns out I saw him next day in school, which is odd b/c I don't see him around school that much due to our different class schedules. I didn't talk or look at him, but I know that while he was talking to a friend who was sitting next to him, he was stealing glances at me every couple of seconds.
Fast forward to couple of days later. He initiated a chat w/me on Facebook. We never chatted on FB before since we've never been online at the same time. We had a nice chat, I was going to a school party later. He said he's not going to the party, so I ended the chat when I had to go. Turns out he suddenly appeared at the party two hours later. I was very surprised to see him there. He was introducing me to all the 2nd years that I didn't know before. When I asked him why did he come, he said that he was inspired to come see me at the party. We had a nice time, and went to an after-party together. Then he told me he was hungry and if I would accompany him to grab sth. to eat afterwards, I said yes. After we ate, I again thought we'd part our ways, but he grabbed me and kissed me and said that he doesn't want me to leave b/c otherwise it meant to never see me again. I was like, aren't we just friends now? He's like if you got sth., tell me. I was really confused at this point. So I told him about this "casual" thing and I'm not okay with him fooling around multiple girls while he sees me. I can understand that people going to see other people like having dinner and stuff at the beginning of a relationship while it's still undefined, but not physical intimate with multiple people at the same time. He said he doesn't need to fool around w/multiple girls. So we came to an agreement where if either one of us were to get physically intimate with another person, we'll let the other person know first. He keep wanting me to go back to his place, and I keep telling him no. This went on for an hour until I got worn down by his persistence. When we get to his place, he started gently caressing and kissing me. When I tell him to stop b/c I felt too excited, he does stop. That makes me feel safe knowing he'd stop if I ask him to and he's very gentle with me this time, unlike the first two times when it was all hot and heavy. I ended up having sex with him, part of the reason is that I didn't want to become a 30+ virgin, but part of the reason is that I wanted to do it with someone whom I felt strongly about, gentle and skilled. When we were in the act, it hurts so much, he actually stopped and asked me if I was sure that I wanted to continue. Afterwards he was really surprised at my enthusiasm and that I was much better than he expected in bed. lol. He also said he's sorry that it hurt me so much.
He called me to say hi the next day, but it was so late that I didn't return his call. He called me twice the day after that wanting to talk. When we finally had a chance to talk that night, we had a really nice long conversation. I told him that I can't see him for two weeks b/c we have finals coming up and I need to study. He said he wanted to see me again, and I was like I don't want to come to your place. He said he wants to have coffee and just chat with me. He doesn't believe that I can't even spare the time to have coffee with him. So I relented and we arranged to visit a museum close to campus a week later. The date went well, but at the end, he wants me to go to his place again. I was like no. He said you got to hang out in order for relationships to develope, what if I met someone during this two three weeks time when I don't get a chance to see you at all? I was still like I already agreed to see you for coffee, no, I'm not going to your place. Then he's like how can I persuade you to change your mind? He started kissing me and nibble on my neck. I kept saying no for over an hour and I got worn down again by his insistence. But I felt terrible and so angry, he sensed my anger and kept asking me if I was going to come. I txted him an hour later telling him I wouldn't come and I felt he was being disrespectful. He txted back saying he's sorry and he understand and he wanted to talk about it. I didn't reply. He then called me multiple times and left me a voicemail. When I called him back, he apologized and said he understand and wouldn't talk about this during finals time. So we agreed to see each other after finals are over.
So we've been talking on the phone and chatting on FB for couple of days. The thing is, we have really long nice talks everytime. He tells me about his family, his long-term career goals, how his day has been, his previous relationships. He told me that his ex-GF was a 2nd year girl, they dated for over a year and it got super serious at the end. But he realized that she wasn't the right person for him in a forever sense, so he let her know as soon as he realized that. He says they broke up around New Years and are still in the adjustment phase. I know his ex too and she's my FB friend too. I checked and they are not FB friends. He told me on FB that he doesn't chase girls but he has a big crush on me. I told me that I felt his crush is more of the carnal kind. He said it wasn't true. His favorite things about me is that I challenge him intellectually.
This is what I don't get, I've been feeling conflicted about this "relationship" since day one. On the one hand, our conversations flow so naturally, I never felt a stronger chemistry with anyone else before, physically or mentally. And I do feel that he's telling me the truth when he says that I challenge him intellectually. On the other hand, I felt that he doesn't care about me as a person at all, he only wants sex b/c he pushes me to go to his place everytime and fool around with him.
My friends say that we're currently in a fwb relationship, esp. since he told me he's going abroad for two months after graduation and he told me that he doesn't want to get emotionally attached before the trip. But if you want a fwb type relationship, wouldn't it be easier to seek out someone you already know rather than ask out a new girl? and why would he tell me all about his family, long term goals, etc. and keep wanting to talk to me on the phone and on FB if all he wants is sex? But if he's interested in me as a person, then why isn't he even open to the possibility of a relationship later on? Why was he so physically aggressive early on knowing I don't have relationship experience?
I actually ended things with him again b/c I felt the "relationship" is going nowhere and I want to concentrate on my classes and my career. This time I no longer see him on FB anymore and I haven't seen him around campus for days. So I guess it's for real this time. But since I lack dating experience, I really wanted to hear from the readers here their thoughts on this guy. What'd be your answer to my questions?