Face saving verbal replies
February 15, 2010 11:49 AM Subscribe
How do I deal with social situations when someone points out why I am so quiet? How can I come up with some face saving replies.
Usually I am able to give a polite reply like "I am enjoying you people talk" but then the other person again puts me in a spot by saying "Will you only keep listening or talk also" or such things.
In general I am able to give the 1st reply when put in a spot, but not able to continue it when the other person replies back, and end up looking wretched.
I get pretty nervous and totally out of ideas and begin to dread such social situations.
I cant avoid those people because they are all relatives and I cant avoid the events like relative's marriage or other celebration, where we all necessarily meet. In fact I want to mix with them but protect my own reputation also.
Usually I am able to give a polite reply like "I am enjoying you people talk" but then the other person again puts me in a spot by saying "Will you only keep listening or talk also" or such things.
In general I am able to give the 1st reply when put in a spot, but not able to continue it when the other person replies back, and end up looking wretched.
I get pretty nervous and totally out of ideas and begin to dread such social situations.
I cant avoid those people because they are all relatives and I cant avoid the events like relative's marriage or other celebration, where we all necessarily meet. In fact I want to mix with them but protect my own reputation also.
They are only relatives they can't fire you. Have you tried honesty?
"I get pretty nervous in these social situations and I feel like I'm going to say the wrong thing"
posted by jade east at 11:56 AM on February 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
"I get pretty nervous in these social situations and I feel like I'm going to say the wrong thing"
posted by jade east at 11:56 AM on February 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
"I like to wait until I have something interesting to say"
"How about this weather?"
"I think I forgot to wear underwear"
"I only eat organic food because I am afraid of killer bees"
"Did you read that article about that thing. Pretty crazy stuff"
"I hear you like hobby or activity x. When was the last time you did x"
posted by rdurbin at 12:00 PM on February 15, 2010
"How about this weather?"
"I think I forgot to wear underwear"
"I only eat organic food because I am afraid of killer bees"
"Did you read that article about that thing. Pretty crazy stuff"
"I hear you like hobby or activity x. When was the last time you did x"
posted by rdurbin at 12:00 PM on February 15, 2010
A similar question:
http://ask.metafilter.com/134112/Oh-yeah-well-the-jerk-store-called-Comebacks-for-the-introverted
posted by jasonhong at 12:03 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
http://ask.metafilter.com/134112/Oh-yeah-well-the-jerk-store-called-Comebacks-for-the-introverted
posted by jasonhong at 12:03 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
My spouse's go-to response is, "I don't have anything to say." If the person insists on "making you talk" (which is a really really weird desire that some people have), just excuse yourself and go somewhere else.
posted by muddgirl at 12:03 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by muddgirl at 12:03 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Questions. People love jabbering on about themselves. So if you're in the conversation and not drifting off (which happens to me from time to time) and you are up on what has been said - just ask a question. "Well I did wonder what it's like to have to go in at a moment's notice on a job like yours". "Well I did have a question - how did you learn to cook like that? When I cook it's a disaster." "Well actually, I was wondering how hard it is to deal with the public day in and day out."
If they're talking about some single subject like sports or something, you can just go back to some point you didn't understand and ask for clarification. I think all people are doing with these comments is trying to make everyone feel like they can talk and that they are welcome to be part of the conversation.
posted by cashman at 12:04 PM on February 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
If they're talking about some single subject like sports or something, you can just go back to some point you didn't understand and ask for clarification. I think all people are doing with these comments is trying to make everyone feel like they can talk and that they are welcome to be part of the conversation.
posted by cashman at 12:04 PM on February 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
"Will you only keep listening or talk also"
My reply has always been "I'm fine, thanks" or even "I'm fine thanks, just feeling a little out of it" [with out of it non-specificed, could be sick, could be sad, could be nervous] because the questioner usually at least seems to be inquiring about my own feelings [even if often they seem to just be having some sort of larger social issue].
posted by jessamyn at 12:04 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
My reply has always been "I'm fine, thanks" or even "I'm fine thanks, just feeling a little out of it" [with out of it non-specificed, could be sick, could be sad, could be nervous] because the questioner usually at least seems to be inquiring about my own feelings [even if often they seem to just be having some sort of larger social issue].
posted by jessamyn at 12:04 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
then the other person again puts me in a spot by saying "Will you only keep listening or talk also" or such things.
wow, that's rude and intimidating.
I'd suggest just smiling and saying, "I don't know. I'll have to see if I have anything to contribute." Then keep hedging on the, "we'll see" vein if they persist. maybe they think you are listening quietly and judging them?
posted by toodleydoodley at 12:05 PM on February 15, 2010
wow, that's rude and intimidating.
I'd suggest just smiling and saying, "I don't know. I'll have to see if I have anything to contribute." Then keep hedging on the, "we'll see" vein if they persist. maybe they think you are listening quietly and judging them?
posted by toodleydoodley at 12:05 PM on February 15, 2010
"I'm pretending to be an anthropologist. Please continue about things."
posted by raztaj at 12:06 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by raztaj at 12:06 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I get pretty nervous in these social situations and I feel like I'm going to say the wrong thing
If I didn't want to actually talk to people, I would never say this, because many people will take this as a cry for help and try to encourage you to join the conversation.
Personally I just smile and say something simple like "Ha ha, yeah, I'm pretty quiet." Basically just acknowledging their observation, showing that I don't think it's a big deal, and giving them anything they'll feel the need to respond to. I do this with pretty much any awkward question that someone asks me, just smile, say something vague, don't leave room for a response, and usually they will move on to some other topic. There are some people who will press the issue because they are annoying or can't take a hint, but there's not much you can do about it other than trying to avoid them.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:16 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I didn't want to actually talk to people, I would never say this, because many people will take this as a cry for help and try to encourage you to join the conversation.
Personally I just smile and say something simple like "Ha ha, yeah, I'm pretty quiet." Basically just acknowledging their observation, showing that I don't think it's a big deal, and giving them anything they'll feel the need to respond to. I do this with pretty much any awkward question that someone asks me, just smile, say something vague, don't leave room for a response, and usually they will move on to some other topic. There are some people who will press the issue because they are annoying or can't take a hint, but there's not much you can do about it other than trying to avoid them.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:16 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Is there a way I can change my personality and become talkative.. Admitting I cant talk is so embarassing ... and even if I dont admit it publicly, still it kills me from inside ...
I begin to dread all social situations with my cousins when they are in a group .. I begin to find ways to excuse myself of the events / celebrations and I feel miserable about it that I am not able to lead the life I want to ..
posted by inquisitive at 12:17 PM on February 15, 2010
I begin to dread all social situations with my cousins when they are in a group .. I begin to find ways to excuse myself of the events / celebrations and I feel miserable about it that I am not able to lead the life I want to ..
posted by inquisitive at 12:17 PM on February 15, 2010
Response by poster: If I admit and say something like "Yes, usually I am a little quiet " .. then what follows is an awkward silence ...
posted by inquisitive at 12:18 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by inquisitive at 12:18 PM on February 15, 2010
Try to recognize if others are also feeling pressured to keep find something to talk about. Recognize some people are threatened by long silences. They feel inadequate, a failure. Work with your frustration by helping others with theirs. Be interested about others. Are you watching the Olympics? Have you seen any good movies lately? How about those Dodgers? Or pick up on anything they are interested in and get them to expand on it. "I didn't understand what you meant about..."
posted by 77144 at 12:25 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by 77144 at 12:25 PM on February 15, 2010
I think cashman's got it. Even if you don't particularly have something to say, ask them questions about what's going on with them, what they're doing these days, how their job is, how their kids are, where they live, etc. etc. Because asking questions means that you're at least open to communicating and finding out about them. People are saying on the surface "why aren't you talking," but underneath, they are really asking you to interact with them. So asking them questions and encouraging them to talk at least shows you're interested in socializing with them.
The real problem happens when you actually couldn't care less about interacting with them, but that's a different issue ...
posted by gt2 at 12:28 PM on February 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
The real problem happens when you actually couldn't care less about interacting with them, but that's a different issue ...
posted by gt2 at 12:28 PM on February 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm the same way with extended family. I think saying "I dunno, I'm just not sure what to say right now," is a sufficient response. It suggests you aren't being passive, but you're just not sure what to say at the moment, and it also gives hope that you may indeed have something to say in the future, so they might not press you about it again for a while.
Something that might help in general with these people, since it's always the same people, is to take note of what sorts of things they like talking about, and you can sort of target conversation topics for the next time. Or think if there's anything you can ask them about what's going on in their lives. As they talk about themselves, pay attention and think about what they say, and ask follow-up questions. If the conversation dies, go try it on someone else, or if there's someone else who looks alone there maybe try to strike up a conversation with them. That'll be a blank slate for you to start with and you can just ask them basic questions about what they do or how they know the people getting married, etc. The bonus to that being that, even if you'll likely never see that person again, your relatives will make a positive note that you are capable of socializing.
Not sure how old you are, but I'm in my late 20s and have only recently started to feel like I have anything to say to my extended family. I love them but I'm not used to talking to them regularly, so when I'm staying with them over a holiday I can start to feel intimidated and like a social failure. It helps to have things in your own life you can talk about, like maybe job experiences, trips, a movie you saw recently, anything really.
posted by wondermouse at 12:35 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Something that might help in general with these people, since it's always the same people, is to take note of what sorts of things they like talking about, and you can sort of target conversation topics for the next time. Or think if there's anything you can ask them about what's going on in their lives. As they talk about themselves, pay attention and think about what they say, and ask follow-up questions. If the conversation dies, go try it on someone else, or if there's someone else who looks alone there maybe try to strike up a conversation with them. That'll be a blank slate for you to start with and you can just ask them basic questions about what they do or how they know the people getting married, etc. The bonus to that being that, even if you'll likely never see that person again, your relatives will make a positive note that you are capable of socializing.
Not sure how old you are, but I'm in my late 20s and have only recently started to feel like I have anything to say to my extended family. I love them but I'm not used to talking to them regularly, so when I'm staying with them over a holiday I can start to feel intimidated and like a social failure. It helps to have things in your own life you can talk about, like maybe job experiences, trips, a movie you saw recently, anything really.
posted by wondermouse at 12:35 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even if you don't particularly have something to say, ask them questions about what's going on with them, what they're doing these days, how their job is, how their kids are, where they live, etc. etc.
Yeah if the real problem is that you do want to be more talkative, the key is to bring up the right topics. The best kind of topic is one where you both have things to say about. Current events tend to work well for that (for example, right now you could ask someone if they are watching the Winter Olympics, and that could lead to a conversation about a specific event or why winter sports are boring or whatever). It also helps if you know something that you have in common with who you are talking to, so that you can focus on that.
If you can't think of something you both want to talk about, you can bring up something you think they want to talk about. General small talk like jobs, family, etc. are good for that. Try to stay engaged and ask follow-up questions when appropriate. And laugh at people's jokes, everyone likes when people laugh at their jokes.
Also, it sounds like you have some general anxiety around social situations. One thing that helps is to realize that although you feel self-conscious and are worried about saying something wrong, nobody else really cares. Casual conversations are not something to get all worked up about, just try to bring up some topics see where things go. Even if you end up with awkward silences, it won't be the end of the world.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:44 PM on February 15, 2010
Yeah if the real problem is that you do want to be more talkative, the key is to bring up the right topics. The best kind of topic is one where you both have things to say about. Current events tend to work well for that (for example, right now you could ask someone if they are watching the Winter Olympics, and that could lead to a conversation about a specific event or why winter sports are boring or whatever). It also helps if you know something that you have in common with who you are talking to, so that you can focus on that.
If you can't think of something you both want to talk about, you can bring up something you think they want to talk about. General small talk like jobs, family, etc. are good for that. Try to stay engaged and ask follow-up questions when appropriate. And laugh at people's jokes, everyone likes when people laugh at their jokes.
Also, it sounds like you have some general anxiety around social situations. One thing that helps is to realize that although you feel self-conscious and are worried about saying something wrong, nobody else really cares. Casual conversations are not something to get all worked up about, just try to bring up some topics see where things go. Even if you end up with awkward silences, it won't be the end of the world.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:44 PM on February 15, 2010
Smile and say, "I'm the strong, silent type." Saying something that is jokingly confident instead of self-deprecating will throw them off. It will make you seem interesting instead of timid.
Is there a way I can change my personality and become talkative...
Sure, we can alter our personalities, but it takes practice. You will probably never be a chatty person, but you can become a good conversationalist. Most folks appreciate someone who can hold a nice conversation without taking it over, so you'll be in good shape. Just practice with your most comfortable group. It sometimes makes my heart race when I'm about to add a comment to a group conversation. Sometimes so much so that I give up. But for some reason, if I am going to do a presentation or be an "expert" I can do it more easily. Keep trying!
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:51 PM on February 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Is there a way I can change my personality and become talkative...
Sure, we can alter our personalities, but it takes practice. You will probably never be a chatty person, but you can become a good conversationalist. Most folks appreciate someone who can hold a nice conversation without taking it over, so you'll be in good shape. Just practice with your most comfortable group. It sometimes makes my heart race when I'm about to add a comment to a group conversation. Sometimes so much so that I give up. But for some reason, if I am going to do a presentation or be an "expert" I can do it more easily. Keep trying!
posted by Knowyournuts at 12:51 PM on February 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Just an addition to the "ask a question" suggestions here. The questions are a great idea because of what people have said above - it communicates that you are listening and want to interact with the other person (even if you don't feel like talking.)
In addition, questions put the focus back on the other person, not on you and whether or not you are going to talk (which is a rude topic to continue to push, in my opinion.) Maybe that would ease your feelings of awkwardness?
The key is to aim for open-ended questions, rather than questions that can be answered with a yes/no or other very short answer. So:
Relative: blah blah blah saw a movie last week. So, why aren't you talking?
You: Oh, I was just listening to you/not feeling talkative/etc. Did you like the movie?
Relative: Yeah, it was fine. Come on, why aren't you talking more?
vs.
Relative: blah blah blah saw a movie last week. So, why aren't you talking?
You: Oh, I was just listening to you. I heard that movie has really good special effects. What did you think of them?
Relative: Well, the scenery looked really cool, but I thought the cat people looked fake and...
posted by heyforfour at 12:52 PM on February 15, 2010
In addition, questions put the focus back on the other person, not on you and whether or not you are going to talk (which is a rude topic to continue to push, in my opinion.) Maybe that would ease your feelings of awkwardness?
The key is to aim for open-ended questions, rather than questions that can be answered with a yes/no or other very short answer. So:
Relative: blah blah blah saw a movie last week. So, why aren't you talking?
You: Oh, I was just listening to you/not feeling talkative/etc. Did you like the movie?
Relative: Yeah, it was fine. Come on, why aren't you talking more?
vs.
Relative: blah blah blah saw a movie last week. So, why aren't you talking?
You: Oh, I was just listening to you. I heard that movie has really good special effects. What did you think of them?
Relative: Well, the scenery looked really cool, but I thought the cat people looked fake and...
posted by heyforfour at 12:52 PM on February 15, 2010
Because you listen, you know what people like to talk about. With your cousins, you probably have heard the same stories again and again, so if someone directs attention to your quietness, you can be ready with a short question about something you already know will stimulate them to speak more.
"How are your children?"
"Are you still angry with your neighbour?"
"Do you still play golf?"
"What kind of car did you end up buying?"
"How is your sore knee?"
If you choose carefully and know your target well, you can get yourself a reputation as an incredible conversationalist without even having to really change the way you prefer to interact with others.
If you want to be mean, you could say, "Do you ever find that introducing this subject improves the conversation?"
I don't recommend "Hey, was that lump cancer?"
posted by Sallyfur at 12:54 PM on February 15, 2010
"How are your children?"
"Are you still angry with your neighbour?"
"Do you still play golf?"
"What kind of car did you end up buying?"
"How is your sore knee?"
If you choose carefully and know your target well, you can get yourself a reputation as an incredible conversationalist without even having to really change the way you prefer to interact with others.
If you want to be mean, you could say, "Do you ever find that introducing this subject improves the conversation?"
I don't recommend "Hey, was that lump cancer?"
posted by Sallyfur at 12:54 PM on February 15, 2010
Response by poster: Usually I face this problem not in serious conversations .. but when the topic is funny or group mood is jovial .. coz I cant come up with funny lines
posted by inquisitive at 1:02 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by inquisitive at 1:02 PM on February 15, 2010
I'm not a funny person, but I have lots of funny friends who love me. Part of that is that I communicate through body language and laughter that I like what they're saying. I don't really talk that much when I'm around them, but I offer up the "straight" lines that engender their jokes (however off topic), and I laugh, a lot. I smile and nod, my eyes light up; I might dance a little bit. Communication doesn't need to be strictly verbal. Use your face and body to show that you are engaged in the conversation. You can always just say, "that's so funny!." Or, "you guys make me laugh!" Or "Y'all are the best/awesome/coolest/nicest/weirdest!" "I love listening to your stories." Just short comments to show that you are listening. These are your family, and it seems like they like you and want to include you in their conversation. They want to make sure that you feel part of the group.
posted by bluefly at 1:14 PM on February 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by bluefly at 1:14 PM on February 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Look at the conversation a little bit like a group performance, where the only audience members are the players as well. You're all there to entertain each other and pass the time. But everybody has a different role to play. You can't all be the lead. Since you're most comfortable being quiet, accept it and work with it. You've been listening to these people and know what they find entertaining. So play the supporting role, and ease the conversation along. Never try to be funny because that's the first and best way to fall flat. Just ask simple questions of people, or respond to their stories with your gut reaction. An "oh, really? I can't believe that, are you sure?" or maybe "but how did you feel about that?" is usually enough to fill the pause and prompt the speaker to continue.
At things like family parties or obligatory social events, you're not there to really be yourself. You're there to play the part of someone similar to yourself, but maybe more interested in the lives of others than you really are. Mingling and shmoozing and whatever you want to call it are all ways to superficially connect with one another - nobody's going to be counting how many times you made the group laugh. They're just expecting you to verbally participate, because they don't know you well enough to see when you're silently including yourself. If someone gives you attitude about being a quiet person, wholesale ignore them and move the conversation back to something mildly amusing. This simultaneously refutes the assertion of the rude person and passes the turn to speak back onto somebody else.
posted by Mizu at 1:18 PM on February 15, 2010
At things like family parties or obligatory social events, you're not there to really be yourself. You're there to play the part of someone similar to yourself, but maybe more interested in the lives of others than you really are. Mingling and shmoozing and whatever you want to call it are all ways to superficially connect with one another - nobody's going to be counting how many times you made the group laugh. They're just expecting you to verbally participate, because they don't know you well enough to see when you're silently including yourself. If someone gives you attitude about being a quiet person, wholesale ignore them and move the conversation back to something mildly amusing. This simultaneously refutes the assertion of the rude person and passes the turn to speak back onto somebody else.
posted by Mizu at 1:18 PM on February 15, 2010
Oh man, I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I've never understood why people do it. I've been there too and it sucks.
One thing that may help you re-orient this problem in your head is to realize that the people putting you on the spot like this are more socially unaware and worse at conversation than you are. A good conversationalist is not a bully! The most graceful talkers I know will recognize when somebody would rather listen than talk, or will take it upon themselves to draw quiet people into the conversation gently and without fuss.
As for responses when your cousins give you crap for being quiet, I think your best option is cashman's idea: that is, redirecting the spotlight back toward the conversation and off of yourself with a question. For example,
"inquisitive, dude, why aren't you talking? You're always so quiet."
"Oh, actually, I was thinking about what you were saying about your job as a teacher. I know a lot of districts are cutting budgets now, is that something that's happening at your school?"
Being able to fire back a question like that quickly (and make it seem like you're genuinely interested) is a really useful skill.
I know these are your cousins and probably can't be avoided, but unfortunately the most complete solution to this problem is simply to hang out with nicer, less socially tone-deaf people. Trust me, they exist.
posted by cirripede at 1:26 PM on February 15, 2010
One thing that may help you re-orient this problem in your head is to realize that the people putting you on the spot like this are more socially unaware and worse at conversation than you are. A good conversationalist is not a bully! The most graceful talkers I know will recognize when somebody would rather listen than talk, or will take it upon themselves to draw quiet people into the conversation gently and without fuss.
As for responses when your cousins give you crap for being quiet, I think your best option is cashman's idea: that is, redirecting the spotlight back toward the conversation and off of yourself with a question. For example,
"inquisitive, dude, why aren't you talking? You're always so quiet."
"Oh, actually, I was thinking about what you were saying about your job as a teacher. I know a lot of districts are cutting budgets now, is that something that's happening at your school?"
Being able to fire back a question like that quickly (and make it seem like you're genuinely interested) is a really useful skill.
I know these are your cousins and probably can't be avoided, but unfortunately the most complete solution to this problem is simply to hang out with nicer, less socially tone-deaf people. Trust me, they exist.
posted by cirripede at 1:26 PM on February 15, 2010
Not so much to the 'how' as to the why:
People will tell you oh, don't worry about it, you're fine not talking and people who say things like that to you are rude. That's not always the case. I find people say things like that to me on very different occasions.
One, it's a big group that's chattering away, and they want me to notice that they notice me, i.e., they're inviting me to play, too, in case I feel like an outsider. Or they're hinting that I'm being the creepy lurker, making everyone feel watched.
Two, someone who's interested in me especially wants to talk to me but doesn't want to outright hit on me or drag me over to a corner, leaving everyone else to raise an eyebrow.
Three, in a smaller group, they mean, "Jezuz, man, I'm doing all the work here. A little help?"
So, nth the relevant question thing. It can be awkward if you're not used to it, but it really does become second nature. I know you don't believe that, but it does.
posted by ctmf at 1:42 PM on February 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
People will tell you oh, don't worry about it, you're fine not talking and people who say things like that to you are rude. That's not always the case. I find people say things like that to me on very different occasions.
One, it's a big group that's chattering away, and they want me to notice that they notice me, i.e., they're inviting me to play, too, in case I feel like an outsider. Or they're hinting that I'm being the creepy lurker, making everyone feel watched.
Two, someone who's interested in me especially wants to talk to me but doesn't want to outright hit on me or drag me over to a corner, leaving everyone else to raise an eyebrow.
Three, in a smaller group, they mean, "Jezuz, man, I'm doing all the work here. A little help?"
So, nth the relevant question thing. It can be awkward if you're not used to it, but it really does become second nature. I know you don't believe that, but it does.
posted by ctmf at 1:42 PM on February 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Look crazy, shake your head, and say "You know...it's always the quiet ones...always the quiet ones..."
posted by WeekendJen at 1:46 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by WeekendJen at 1:46 PM on February 15, 2010
"jeez, I was lost in my thoughts but now I'm lost for an answer."
But seriously, no, I don't think one can change one's character. Is this the point here? It seems more that you're describing a pretty stable and repeatable social constellation in which others give you the role you describe, and you reconfirm it with your "I'm enjoying you people talk"-answer. You could try to change that role (your position in the group, your 'image'), but you can't do very much about fundamental habits and inclinations.
People normally ask "hey why don't you say something", because they are feeling uncomfortable, thinking they're being observed or judged. So [unfortunately, I may add] a sarcastic answer likely only makes things worse. I think your kind of answers are fine, but perhaps you could phrase them so they work less as a defense of your ways/inclinations and more like a reassurance. Reassure the others that you're not keeping your thoughts for yourself or something, and that what you're doing feels okay for you (that is, if it really does feel okay for you.)
It's a very subtle difference, I see that - but it's worth a try.
[Also I don't know these people who say fine things such as "will you only keep listening or talk also". It seems like the space you're operating on is a wee bit on the small side - sort of difficult to come up with funny lines if others are already that funny. Family or not, I'd walk out if people were rude to me].
posted by Namlit at 1:55 PM on February 15, 2010
But seriously, no, I don't think one can change one's character. Is this the point here? It seems more that you're describing a pretty stable and repeatable social constellation in which others give you the role you describe, and you reconfirm it with your "I'm enjoying you people talk"-answer. You could try to change that role (your position in the group, your 'image'), but you can't do very much about fundamental habits and inclinations.
People normally ask "hey why don't you say something", because they are feeling uncomfortable, thinking they're being observed or judged. So [unfortunately, I may add] a sarcastic answer likely only makes things worse. I think your kind of answers are fine, but perhaps you could phrase them so they work less as a defense of your ways/inclinations and more like a reassurance. Reassure the others that you're not keeping your thoughts for yourself or something, and that what you're doing feels okay for you (that is, if it really does feel okay for you.)
It's a very subtle difference, I see that - but it's worth a try.
[Also I don't know these people who say fine things such as "will you only keep listening or talk also". It seems like the space you're operating on is a wee bit on the small side - sort of difficult to come up with funny lines if others are already that funny. Family or not, I'd walk out if people were rude to me].
posted by Namlit at 1:55 PM on February 15, 2010
I'm sorry that your own relatives are putting you in an awkward position! The problem, I think, stems from that sometimes being quiet can come off as being uninterested/bored/stuck-up. It's a shame because some people are just shy and that's ok!
Since you seem to have a lot of anxiety about it, I would like to suggest a book that REALLY helped me to think about my reactions and how I could react in awkward social situations. I've recommended it before, too: The Social Anxiety & Shyness Workbook. It basically has several exercises and worksheets to go through, and uses cognitive behavioral approaches to help you look at your feelings and reactions to these kinds of environments. After working on this workbook for awhile, I did find it much easier to stop feeling that flustered confusion in conversations that veered off what I expected.
In such situations, I would probably either say something like:
"Oh, I tend to be a little shy and I've been enjoying the conversation, please don't take my shyness personally!"
OR
If they were talking about something specific, say how interesting it must be and ask them more.
As was mentioned above, people LOVE to talk about themselves, especially if someone seems interested. As you're having a conversation with someone, really listen to what they're saying, echo back what they've said, and ask a question.
For example:
Aunt Sally: "Uncle Bob and I are so jetlagged after our flight from vacation in Hawaii last night."
You: "Wow, sorry to hear you're jet lagged. But Hawaii, wow! I've always wanted to go there. What was it like?"
Stick to questions like "What was it like" rather than "How was it" to ensure the longest answers possible. Ask open-ended questions, rather than things that can be answered with "Good", "Yes", or "No".
Good luck!
posted by tastybrains at 1:58 PM on February 15, 2010
Since you seem to have a lot of anxiety about it, I would like to suggest a book that REALLY helped me to think about my reactions and how I could react in awkward social situations. I've recommended it before, too: The Social Anxiety & Shyness Workbook. It basically has several exercises and worksheets to go through, and uses cognitive behavioral approaches to help you look at your feelings and reactions to these kinds of environments. After working on this workbook for awhile, I did find it much easier to stop feeling that flustered confusion in conversations that veered off what I expected.
In such situations, I would probably either say something like:
"Oh, I tend to be a little shy and I've been enjoying the conversation, please don't take my shyness personally!"
OR
If they were talking about something specific, say how interesting it must be and ask them more.
As was mentioned above, people LOVE to talk about themselves, especially if someone seems interested. As you're having a conversation with someone, really listen to what they're saying, echo back what they've said, and ask a question.
For example:
Aunt Sally: "Uncle Bob and I are so jetlagged after our flight from vacation in Hawaii last night."
You: "Wow, sorry to hear you're jet lagged. But Hawaii, wow! I've always wanted to go there. What was it like?"
Stick to questions like "What was it like" rather than "How was it" to ensure the longest answers possible. Ask open-ended questions, rather than things that can be answered with "Good", "Yes", or "No".
Good luck!
posted by tastybrains at 1:58 PM on February 15, 2010
Usually I face this problem not in serious conversations .. but when the topic is funny or group mood is jovial .. coz I cant come up with funny lines
Well, not everyone is a comedian. If your problem here is that you can't come up with funny lines, just look like you're enjoying yourself and laugh at their jokes. I doubt they're expecting you to be Mr. Hilarious, but if you're stone-faced the entire time, people are going to think you're either bored or not paying attention.
posted by wondermouse at 2:07 PM on February 15, 2010
Well, not everyone is a comedian. If your problem here is that you can't come up with funny lines, just look like you're enjoying yourself and laugh at their jokes. I doubt they're expecting you to be Mr. Hilarious, but if you're stone-faced the entire time, people are going to think you're either bored or not paying attention.
posted by wondermouse at 2:07 PM on February 15, 2010
I found these situations easier to deal with once I had the confidence in myself that being quiet is a perfectly fine way to be. There are people who will try to make you feel as if there is something wrong with you if you don't live the way they do, or think the way they think. Don't want to get married? Don't want kids? Don't own a car? Don't get pissed out of your mind every weekend? Freak, freak, freak, freak.
I'm tempted to just call them close-minded, but more sympathetically I think it comes down to a lack of self-confidence in themselves and their place in the world. If you don't live as they do, or want what they want, they see it as a criticism of their life.
It's their problem though, not yours. If you want to learn to "fake it"--and it is a handy skill to have--then by all means. But it's just as fine to be a naturally quiet person.
For my own part I tend to reply with, "Yeah". Politely, but in the same tone I'd use if they'd just told me grass was green. Or if I'm feeling cranky, "So?"
posted by sarahw at 2:10 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm tempted to just call them close-minded, but more sympathetically I think it comes down to a lack of self-confidence in themselves and their place in the world. If you don't live as they do, or want what they want, they see it as a criticism of their life.
It's their problem though, not yours. If you want to learn to "fake it"--and it is a handy skill to have--then by all means. But it's just as fine to be a naturally quiet person.
For my own part I tend to reply with, "Yeah". Politely, but in the same tone I'd use if they'd just told me grass was green. Or if I'm feeling cranky, "So?"
posted by sarahw at 2:10 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Them: "You don't talk much."
You: "True." [then sip your drink]
posted by ambulatorybird at 2:38 PM on February 15, 2010 [6 favorites]
You: "True." [then sip your drink]
posted by ambulatorybird at 2:38 PM on February 15, 2010 [6 favorites]
I don't have a direct response to your question but something to ponder about
People are interested to get to know you. Not talking at all is preventing from seeing any side of yourself leaving others in complete uncertainty of you. Generally, people are not comfortable with uncertainty, hence it is hard.
Let's assume you are single and someone likes you, they want to hear you even if it means you having to say let's talk some more or tell me more, or let's hang out for the moment.
Usually making people carry on conversations is a great idea too. Focus on some general topics and bring them up maybe?
posted by iNfo.Pump at 3:07 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
People are interested to get to know you. Not talking at all is preventing from seeing any side of yourself leaving others in complete uncertainty of you. Generally, people are not comfortable with uncertainty, hence it is hard.
Let's assume you are single and someone likes you, they want to hear you even if it means you having to say let's talk some more or tell me more, or let's hang out for the moment.
Usually making people carry on conversations is a great idea too. Focus on some general topics and bring them up maybe?
posted by iNfo.Pump at 3:07 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
N'thing getting them to talk about themselves. It sounds like you're hanging with the same people repeatedly, so you probably know what they like to talk about (in the context of "themselves"). Have a few stock questions in mind for each person; figure these out beforehand so you can deploy them smoothly. Their kids, their latest vacation, their job, their cat, whatever.
You: "Oh, I just love listening to your stories. How's little Amy doing in kindergarten? *OR* How were the restaurants in Cancun? *OR* Is your boss still micromanaging the whole office?"
Once you get the hang of asking their favorite question, you'll be amused and maybe a little dismayed at how easy it is to get people blathering about themselves while diverting their attention away from you. Most people will never realize that you're working from a script of sorts, especially the socially inept types you seem to be dealing with.
It is possible for people to talk a lot and still be socially inept. It took me a long time to realize that some of the chattiest social butterflies I worked with actually had little awareness of other people's feelings. "Talkative clod" isn't the common stereotype but they do exist, and maybe your cousins' social skills aren't as good as you think. Which means that the tell-me-about-yourself ploy will work brilliantly on them!
posted by Quietgal at 3:43 PM on February 15, 2010
You: "Oh, I just love listening to your stories. How's little Amy doing in kindergarten? *OR* How were the restaurants in Cancun? *OR* Is your boss still micromanaging the whole office?"
Once you get the hang of asking their favorite question, you'll be amused and maybe a little dismayed at how easy it is to get people blathering about themselves while diverting their attention away from you. Most people will never realize that you're working from a script of sorts, especially the socially inept types you seem to be dealing with.
It is possible for people to talk a lot and still be socially inept. It took me a long time to realize that some of the chattiest social butterflies I worked with actually had little awareness of other people's feelings. "Talkative clod" isn't the common stereotype but they do exist, and maybe your cousins' social skills aren't as good as you think. Which means that the tell-me-about-yourself ploy will work brilliantly on them!
posted by Quietgal at 3:43 PM on February 15, 2010
The person asking the questions is the one in control of the conversation. The trick to turning it around is to ask a question. "Is there a reason why that bothers you?", or even just to ignore their premise and shift the focus of the conversation with something like, "So what do you think about X?"
This is usually a game of dominance, because, at its core, the person asking why you're being so quiet is trying to compensate for their own anxieties about your silence. If they can get you to trip over your own tongue answering them, they no longer have to project onto you their worst fears about your silence.
The answer of any version of "I'm a little shy" is only appropriate with company you trust.
posted by 517 at 4:00 PM on February 15, 2010
This is usually a game of dominance, because, at its core, the person asking why you're being so quiet is trying to compensate for their own anxieties about your silence. If they can get you to trip over your own tongue answering them, they no longer have to project onto you their worst fears about your silence.
The answer of any version of "I'm a little shy" is only appropriate with company you trust.
posted by 517 at 4:00 PM on February 15, 2010
The wise man speaks because he has something to say.
The fool speaks because he must.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 4:44 PM on February 15, 2010
The fool speaks because he must.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 4:44 PM on February 15, 2010
It works extra well on relatives if you laugh and say "I've always been quiet!" Like, duh.
posted by rhizome at 4:46 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 4:46 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Some extroverts don't notice that some people are introverts. They can't imagine that somebody is perfectly content with just listening.
You don't need to change your personality to make them happy: the social world would be even more annoying if everybody was extroverted.
I highly recommend this article: Caring for Your Introvert .
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 4:56 PM on February 15, 2010
You don't need to change your personality to make them happy: the social world would be even more annoying if everybody was extroverted.
I highly recommend this article: Caring for Your Introvert .
posted by AsYouKnow Bob at 4:56 PM on February 15, 2010
the person asking why you're being so quiet is trying to compensate for their own anxieties about your silence.
Yes, but not necessarily because "If they can get you to trip over your own tongue answering them, they no longer have to project onto you their worst fears about your silence." Most people you end up in casual, light-hearted social conversations with probably want to have a nice, smooth conversation, not to trip you up. I said something along these lines in the thread mentioned earlier--when a quiet person is being quiet, their talkative conversation partner doesn't necessarily know why. It's fairly easy to tell from a talkative person's tone and choice of words how engaged and enthusiastic they are in a conversation; it's difficult to tell with a quiet person. It can be nerve-wracking to be in conversation with a quiet person (the talkative person doesn't know if they're boring the person to death, if the quiet person is disinterested or upset, etc.). That doesn't mean it's bad or wrong to be quiet, just that it's something shy or quiet people need to understand.
I agree that the best way to handle the type of situation you're talking about it to turn the subject back to the other person. Cirripede's script is wonderful.
You don't have to say "I'm shy and socially awkward, which is why I'm not talking," and frequently people ask "Why are you so quiet?" in rather rude or thoughtless ways, but it's foolish to simply leave it at "Yep, I'm quiet," if your goal is to keep the other person engaged with you. Instead, you can add just a few words to the conversation and keep it going. Conversations are, after all, about two-way communications, not just one person talking and the other listening. You need to do something to bear your share of the work. Asking questions that get the other person talking about himself are an ideal way to do so. You don't need to be hilarious or brilliant--just target your listening and accompanying questions in ways that make your talkative conversation partners feel valued.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:00 PM on February 15, 2010
Yes, but not necessarily because "If they can get you to trip over your own tongue answering them, they no longer have to project onto you their worst fears about your silence." Most people you end up in casual, light-hearted social conversations with probably want to have a nice, smooth conversation, not to trip you up. I said something along these lines in the thread mentioned earlier--when a quiet person is being quiet, their talkative conversation partner doesn't necessarily know why. It's fairly easy to tell from a talkative person's tone and choice of words how engaged and enthusiastic they are in a conversation; it's difficult to tell with a quiet person. It can be nerve-wracking to be in conversation with a quiet person (the talkative person doesn't know if they're boring the person to death, if the quiet person is disinterested or upset, etc.). That doesn't mean it's bad or wrong to be quiet, just that it's something shy or quiet people need to understand.
I agree that the best way to handle the type of situation you're talking about it to turn the subject back to the other person. Cirripede's script is wonderful.
You don't have to say "I'm shy and socially awkward, which is why I'm not talking," and frequently people ask "Why are you so quiet?" in rather rude or thoughtless ways, but it's foolish to simply leave it at "Yep, I'm quiet," if your goal is to keep the other person engaged with you. Instead, you can add just a few words to the conversation and keep it going. Conversations are, after all, about two-way communications, not just one person talking and the other listening. You need to do something to bear your share of the work. Asking questions that get the other person talking about himself are an ideal way to do so. You don't need to be hilarious or brilliant--just target your listening and accompanying questions in ways that make your talkative conversation partners feel valued.
posted by Meg_Murry at 5:00 PM on February 15, 2010
Date someone who's extroverted. Worked wonders for me.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:19 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:19 PM on February 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Usually I face this problem not in serious conversations .. but when the topic is funny or group mood is jovial .. coz I cant come up with funny lines
Some people are just slow at dialogue; don't stress out about it too much if you can't jump into the humor. As they grow up, they'll hopefully stop expecting you to be like them and start respecting you for the qualities you have.
posted by salvia at 6:11 PM on February 15, 2010
Some people are just slow at dialogue; don't stress out about it too much if you can't jump into the humor. As they grow up, they'll hopefully stop expecting you to be like them and start respecting you for the qualities you have.
posted by salvia at 6:11 PM on February 15, 2010
"Usually I face this problem not in serious conversations .. but when the topic is funny or group mood is jovial .. coz I cant come up with funny lines"
If you watch a lot of stand up comedy or humorous commentary shows (Daily Show etc.) and read joke books, eventually you will start encountering situations in your day-to-day life in which you can reuse variants the jokes you heard/read.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:45 PM on February 15, 2010
If you watch a lot of stand up comedy or humorous commentary shows (Daily Show etc.) and read joke books, eventually you will start encountering situations in your day-to-day life in which you can reuse variants the jokes you heard/read.
posted by Jacqueline at 6:45 PM on February 15, 2010
A way you could engage with humor is to step up to play the "straight man" in ways that egg them on. For example, an exclamation of surprise like "No!" will let them continue on with "Yes! He blah blah blah!" You could also try a more sarcastic approach with deadpan questions like, "so you decided to hotwire your car with silverware. Did it start up right away?"
posted by salvia at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by salvia at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2010
If they persisted I would ask why my being quiet bothered them so much. Instead of them making you the one with the issue, turn it back around.
posted by Catbunny at 7:03 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by Catbunny at 7:03 PM on February 15, 2010
Keep in mind that these are relatives. Saying obnoxious annoying things that make you obsess for months afterward is just part of the job. It's what they do.
posted by ErikaB at 8:01 PM on February 15, 2010
posted by ErikaB at 8:01 PM on February 15, 2010
For reference, there's a similar question with some great answers in it.
I vote again that you not go for being defensive. What's the fun in being a jerk?
But, I also vote that you not ask a bunch of questions that you don't care the answers to. People might be all too eager to talk about themselves, but they'll notice you don't really care, and that's pretty off-putting.
I'd be a bit shocked if someone said "will you only keep listening..." Someone here said that it was a rude thing to say. Probably. Maybe I can empathize a little bit that I find extreme introversion unpleasant-- it's the gaping mystery of the other. My honest question to you is why don't you share more of your internal dialogue? You're not obligated, of course, but why not?
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 11:03 PM on February 15, 2010
I vote again that you not go for being defensive. What's the fun in being a jerk?
But, I also vote that you not ask a bunch of questions that you don't care the answers to. People might be all too eager to talk about themselves, but they'll notice you don't really care, and that's pretty off-putting.
I'd be a bit shocked if someone said "will you only keep listening..." Someone here said that it was a rude thing to say. Probably. Maybe I can empathize a little bit that I find extreme introversion unpleasant-- it's the gaping mystery of the other. My honest question to you is why don't you share more of your internal dialogue? You're not obligated, of course, but why not?
posted by esprit de l'escalier at 11:03 PM on February 15, 2010
Response by poster: I am not so natural at laughing .. and generally I tend to look bored .. Even if I try to fake a laugh, people can make it out .. Actually so often I feel there is nothing so humorous for which others are laughing ... and my inner feelings show on my face .. I am not just introverted .. but a pretty serious kind of person.
posted by inquisitive at 9:55 AM on February 20, 2010
posted by inquisitive at 9:55 AM on February 20, 2010
I am not so natural at laughing .. and generally I tend to look bored ..
Practice smirking. It's a low-energy response, and it is a faint acknowledgement that you at least understood that humor was attempted, which is really all that was required.
Really, they're not looking for guffaws, just some signal that you *got the joke.*
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:33 PM on February 20, 2010
Practice smirking. It's a low-energy response, and it is a faint acknowledgement that you at least understood that humor was attempted, which is really all that was required.
Really, they're not looking for guffaws, just some signal that you *got the joke.*
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 8:33 PM on February 20, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
"I don't want to speak unless I have something to say."
(more snide) "You're doing more than enough talking for both of us, please, continue."
"I'd rather not ask stupid questions, when I can learn the answers by listening."
Good Lincoln quote "'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
posted by strixus at 11:55 AM on February 15, 2010 [3 favorites]