30+ single women- I need help!
February 2, 2010 12:25 PM Subscribe
How did you deal with nosey people?
31 yr old single woman here. Sick of hearing people tease me, ask me point-blank about getting married (whether I am married, whether I have a boyfriend, whether I will be getting married in the near future etc etc). I used to think that people of certain cultures were nosey but I have enough data to believe otherwise. I need the answer to be applicable to any person irrespective of gender, race or citizenship. I also want to be able to answer it irrespective of whether the question was asked in a personal or a professional setting.
Personally, people who know me think twice about asking me anything because I can be very blunt and "rude". But practically, the result I want to achieve is one where the person realizes that s/he has made a mistake for asking a personal question in public (for eg, asking a woman her age in a social setting or asking a man his salary!), I get the same satisfaction out of it and everyone's attention is directed towards this person to hear what they have to say about it.
I am sure every woman has experienced this at some point. What was your strategy/response that made these people never bug you again?
Also, I don't want to laugh it off or dismiss it causally. I need a solid hard-to-forget response.
31 yr old single woman here. Sick of hearing people tease me, ask me point-blank about getting married (whether I am married, whether I have a boyfriend, whether I will be getting married in the near future etc etc). I used to think that people of certain cultures were nosey but I have enough data to believe otherwise. I need the answer to be applicable to any person irrespective of gender, race or citizenship. I also want to be able to answer it irrespective of whether the question was asked in a personal or a professional setting.
Personally, people who know me think twice about asking me anything because I can be very blunt and "rude". But practically, the result I want to achieve is one where the person realizes that s/he has made a mistake for asking a personal question in public (for eg, asking a woman her age in a social setting or asking a man his salary!), I get the same satisfaction out of it and everyone's attention is directed towards this person to hear what they have to say about it.
I am sure every woman has experienced this at some point. What was your strategy/response that made these people never bug you again?
Also, I don't want to laugh it off or dismiss it causally. I need a solid hard-to-forget response.
Best answer: Here's a similar thread about "When are you going to have children?"
My favorite from that thread: "When are you going to have manners?"
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:34 PM on February 2, 2010 [16 favorites]
My favorite from that thread: "When are you going to have manners?"
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:34 PM on February 2, 2010 [16 favorites]
"I really feel uncomfortable being asked about my personal life. Thanks for understanding."
Any persistence (unlikely) can be met with: "As I said, these questions make me very uncomfortable."
I have a story too, from law school. My best friend and I were discussing her BF, who was a good looking drug dealing loser. Someone walked up and tried to get into the conversation by asking who X (the loser) was. My friend gave the person a long silent stare and then said slowly, "My paramour." That was the end of those questions from that person. But the response above is less of a flame thrower.
posted by bearwife at 12:34 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Any persistence (unlikely) can be met with: "As I said, these questions make me very uncomfortable."
I have a story too, from law school. My best friend and I were discussing her BF, who was a good looking drug dealing loser. Someone walked up and tried to get into the conversation by asking who X (the loser) was. My friend gave the person a long silent stare and then said slowly, "My paramour." That was the end of those questions from that person. But the response above is less of a flame thrower.
posted by bearwife at 12:34 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There were some good answers here.
Lemuria channeled Miss Manners when I asked a related question.
posted by MonkeyToes at 12:34 PM on February 2, 2010
Lemuria channeled Miss Manners when I asked a related question.
posted by MonkeyToes at 12:34 PM on February 2, 2010
Best answer: My uncle told me once about something a friend of his used to say when butt-inskis asked him "So when are you getting married?" His friend, a confirmed bachelor, would just offhandedly say, "oh, sometime this weekend, or the next."
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:44 PM on February 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:44 PM on February 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I'm probably just as blunt and "rude" as you are, but what's worked for me is "I fail to see how that is any of your business" or "any concern of yours"; depending on just how pushy the asker is, or my personal feelings toward the person asking, I *might* preclude either of those statements with an "I'm sorry, but..."
Of course, if this is how "blunt and rude" you already are, this may not be what you're looking for. I am of the opinion, though, that rude/inappropriate questions don't necessarily deserve a really polite or nice response.
posted by MuChao at 12:44 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Of course, if this is how "blunt and rude" you already are, this may not be what you're looking for. I am of the opinion, though, that rude/inappropriate questions don't necessarily deserve a really polite or nice response.
posted by MuChao at 12:44 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Misinformation campaign.
posted by mikeh at 12:49 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by mikeh at 12:49 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Boy, some of these answers are pretty hostile. People may be a little rude asking when you're going to get married, but it comes from their interest in your life. If you go around telling people off, then you will solve the problem by no longer having anyone interested in your life. You can choose to get your back up, or you can just accept it as something that people do that they probably shouldn't, like pick their nose, or ask to touch a pregnant woman's bump.
How about just saying, "Oh, gosh, I don't know...." and leaving it at that?
posted by musofire at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
How about just saying, "Oh, gosh, I don't know...." and leaving it at that?
posted by musofire at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
I'm not a woman who is in her thirties, but when faced with a personal question like that, I do one of two things. The first is a death stare (neutral facial expression, look your interlocutor in the eye, don't say a word) and the second is to go into very TMI territory about the question.
You could also try asking why they want to know, or how it is any of their business? Or maybe (in a very concerned tone) asking whether or not they realise just how rude a question that is?
posted by Solomon at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
You could also try asking why they want to know, or how it is any of their business? Or maybe (in a very concerned tone) asking whether or not they realise just how rude a question that is?
posted by Solomon at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Direct and to the point is what you want, so that's what you should deliver.
"That's not up for discussion." Then move to another topic.
Other things you could say in addition to the more direct responses provided by others above:
"No comment."
"Sorry, that's personal."
"I keep that to myself."
"I don't talk about that stuff."
"Let's talk about something else."
"Why do you ask?" won't do what you want it to do, in all likelihood. It invites more nosiness, IME. And you don't generally want to know why they'd ask.
posted by batmonkey at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
"That's not up for discussion." Then move to another topic.
Other things you could say in addition to the more direct responses provided by others above:
"No comment."
"Sorry, that's personal."
"I keep that to myself."
"I don't talk about that stuff."
"Let's talk about something else."
"Why do you ask?" won't do what you want it to do, in all likelihood. It invites more nosiness, IME. And you don't generally want to know why they'd ask.
posted by batmonkey at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: "Why aren't I married yet? Because I might end up spending the rest of my life with someone like you!"
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:53 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
I usually say "I don't dig on marriage" and that's usually puzzling enough to shut them up.
I like the misinformation campaign idea, though. Lower your voice as if you're letting them in on a secret, and then tell a huge whopper, like "I actually have a small band of men in Uruguay; we are planning to be married, but we are just saving up some money for the nude ceremony and trying to figure out where the law will allow for our particular arrangement, and have the right weather for a llama farm. I'll send you an invite once we get them printed"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:02 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
I like the misinformation campaign idea, though. Lower your voice as if you're letting them in on a secret, and then tell a huge whopper, like "I actually have a small band of men in Uruguay; we are planning to be married, but we are just saving up some money for the nude ceremony and trying to figure out where the law will allow for our particular arrangement, and have the right weather for a llama farm. I'll send you an invite once we get them printed"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:02 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: As much as I like "when are you going to have manners," I'm voting for "I don't know." Because you don't, and greeting rudeness with rudeness doesn't put the focus on the asker by any means. It puts it on you. "Jeez...touchy!"
posted by rhizome at 1:06 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 1:06 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
When asked if/when we're having kids, we say, "We're thinking of just renting some." That gets a laugh and there's no more discussion. Seems like it could work for the marriage question.
posted by KathyK at 1:14 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by KathyK at 1:14 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Oops, read the part about not wanting to laugh it off. Sorry, I've got nothing.
posted by KathyK at 1:15 PM on February 2, 2010
posted by KathyK at 1:15 PM on February 2, 2010
This is a very culturally sensitive thing. For example, when people would ask me here (in Australia) when I was getting married, I would often answer "when you can pay for it" which usually got a few chuckles, but also gave them the hint.
I just came from a trip to Mexico, I tried that one there and caused great offence. There, waiters, random strangers, pretty much anyone would ask. I learned to start saying "in the right moment".
posted by Admira at 1:18 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I just came from a trip to Mexico, I tried that one there and caused great offence. There, waiters, random strangers, pretty much anyone would ask. I learned to start saying "in the right moment".
posted by Admira at 1:18 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
People may be a little rude asking when you're going to get married, but it comes from their interest in your life.
It's a lot less rude to ask someone who is in a serious relationship if they are planning to get married. Asking someone single that question is usually just meant to make someone feel bad or maybe get them to admit something.
posted by soelo at 1:23 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's a lot less rude to ask someone who is in a serious relationship if they are planning to get married. Asking someone single that question is usually just meant to make someone feel bad or maybe get them to admit something.
posted by soelo at 1:23 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I've always used insane rants and spectacularly inappropriate humor. This occasionally does not go over well, but for the most part it's been enjoyable...
Q: "So, when are you gonna have a kid?"
A: "Well that last one really didn't taste very good, so I was thinking of just sticking with more traditional cold cuts for the time being."
Note: I am (perhaps obviously) a man, and therefore these types of questions have a different tenor when directed toward me. This may mean my "solution" is woefully inadequate for your social circumstances. Nevertheless, I really did use that line above, and ones like it.
posted by aramaic at 1:25 PM on February 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
Q: "So, when are you gonna have a kid?"
A: "Well that last one really didn't taste very good, so I was thinking of just sticking with more traditional cold cuts for the time being."
Note: I am (perhaps obviously) a man, and therefore these types of questions have a different tenor when directed toward me. This may mean my "solution" is woefully inadequate for your social circumstances. Nevertheless, I really did use that line above, and ones like it.
posted by aramaic at 1:25 PM on February 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
When nosy family asks me why I'm not married/when I'm gonna have a kid (I'm 31, and they're not bad, but there has been the occasional comment), I say something like "Bleh, I've gotta find someone I want to go on more than 2 dates with first, then we'll worry about the spawn." (Caveat: they know I'm not picky, but I usually don't have a SO. I'm just one of those people who is usually single. Also, we are very heavy on the humor/sarcasm in my fam.)
Just between us, I don't really care if I ever get married or not, and I'm not really keen on ever being preggers/giving birth. If it happens, ok, cool. It's just not a priority right now, and never has been. Maybe in the future? Whatever!
People outside my family don't ask, and if they do, they get a stank eye and a "What? Why should I worry about that right now?" Because A) none of their business, and B) I'm truly content with my singleness. Sounds like you are too, and such a rude question should be met with a very blunt "WTF, why?"
posted by AlisonM at 1:28 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just between us, I don't really care if I ever get married or not, and I'm not really keen on ever being preggers/giving birth. If it happens, ok, cool. It's just not a priority right now, and never has been. Maybe in the future? Whatever!
People outside my family don't ask, and if they do, they get a stank eye and a "What? Why should I worry about that right now?" Because A) none of their business, and B) I'm truly content with my singleness. Sounds like you are too, and such a rude question should be met with a very blunt "WTF, why?"
posted by AlisonM at 1:28 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
"At the point you stop being a wanker, so it looks like never."
posted by Coobeastie at 1:30 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Coobeastie at 1:30 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Another Miss Manners all-purpose reply is "Why would you ask such a personal question?" Feel free to add an incredulous look and a long pause.
posted by Lame_username at 1:32 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Lame_username at 1:32 PM on February 2, 2010 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for all the responses.
Another specific situation- How would you also answer a faculty member (married) and who seems especially interested in my (others?) personal life? I can't embarrass him in front of other faculty but I would love to keep him guessing without having my answer lead to more questions (which a lot of the above mentioned responses could).
posted by xm at 1:32 PM on February 2, 2010
Another specific situation- How would you also answer a faculty member (married) and who seems especially interested in my (others?) personal life? I can't embarrass him in front of other faculty but I would love to keep him guessing without having my answer lead to more questions (which a lot of the above mentioned responses could).
posted by xm at 1:32 PM on February 2, 2010
"When I can find someone who can tolerate the enormous amount of pain I like inflicting on them in one of our 'sessions'. People are so wimpy these days."
posted by stormpooper at 1:34 PM on February 2, 2010
posted by stormpooper at 1:34 PM on February 2, 2010
I was at a party full of people nearly twice my age a few months ago, and everyone asked me when I was going to marry my boyfriend. I developed a stock answer along the lines of "Well, we're doing very well right now, and we're very happy. It might happen down the line, but it's not something I consider urgent." Kind of a more diplomatic version of "I don't know" with a dash of "please respect my personal choices" thrown in.
You get asked about marriage whether you're single or seeing someone. My married friends report that as soon as you get married, you get a barrage of questions about kids. Some variant of this answer could apply to any of those questions.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:38 PM on February 2, 2010
You get asked about marriage whether you're single or seeing someone. My married friends report that as soon as you get married, you get a barrage of questions about kids. Some variant of this answer could apply to any of those questions.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:38 PM on February 2, 2010
What was your strategy/response that made these people never bug you again?
"Tried it, wasn't for me." Whether it's true or not is beside the point. The point is to not make it an awkward situation, just a quickly moved past one that hopefully won't be repeated.
posted by jessamyn at 1:43 PM on February 2, 2010
"Tried it, wasn't for me." Whether it's true or not is beside the point. The point is to not make it an awkward situation, just a quickly moved past one that hopefully won't be repeated.
posted by jessamyn at 1:43 PM on February 2, 2010
Best answer: A slightly wry version:
Them : "Are you married?"
You: "Can I ask you something very personal?"
If they answer in the positive
You: "Well that makes one of us" (with a small smile)
If they answer in the negative
"Well we have something in common"
posted by Static Vagabond at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
Them : "Are you married?"
You: "Can I ask you something very personal?"
If they answer in the positive
You: "Well that makes one of us" (with a small smile)
If they answer in the negative
"Well we have something in common"
posted by Static Vagabond at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2010 [7 favorites]
Another specific situation- How would you also answer a faculty member (married) and who seems especially interested in my (others?) personal life? I can't embarrass him in front of other faculty but I would love to keep him guessing without having my answer lead to more questions (which a lot of the above mentioned responses could).
I'm assuming this is not a good friend - just a coworker, right? Why do you want to keep him guessing? Either way, I'd just try to deflect - "eh, not in the plans right now," etc. Stuff like that. You either care what he thinks or you don't. If you don't care what he thinks, you could say anything. If you do care what he thinks, well....you could say anything. It seems like you don't really care personally, but you do care what he thinks because you want to keep him guessing/caring? I don't really know what the right answer is here.
You could either "keep him guessing" (and have him keep asking), or you can be clear and he'll leave it alone.
posted by AlisonM at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2010
I'm assuming this is not a good friend - just a coworker, right? Why do you want to keep him guessing? Either way, I'd just try to deflect - "eh, not in the plans right now," etc. Stuff like that. You either care what he thinks or you don't. If you don't care what he thinks, you could say anything. If you do care what he thinks, well....you could say anything. It seems like you don't really care personally, but you do care what he thinks because you want to keep him guessing/caring? I don't really know what the right answer is here.
You could either "keep him guessing" (and have him keep asking), or you can be clear and he'll leave it alone.
posted by AlisonM at 1:48 PM on February 2, 2010
Sick of hearing people tease me, ask me point-blank about getting married (whether I am married, whether I have a boyfriend, whether I will be getting married in the near future etc etc)... I also want to be able to answer it irrespective of whether the question was asked in a personal or a professional setting.
Are you saying you think asking someone if they're married or seeing someone is necessarily inappropriate in a personal setting? In a professional one? That's a pretty broad brush you're painting with there. Are you sure you're not bringing some personal issues to the table here?
There's clearly situations where it's wrong or ham-handed, but are these never situations where someone's trying to get to know you better?
I bring this up because if you're looking for that one all-purpose zinger then you'd better be very sure you're deploying it in a situation where most people would think they've overstepped in bringing it up. Otherwise maybe you're going to make people think you're kind of a creep. Not so helpful in the personal situation, potentially career-damaging in the professional one.
Simply saying "that's a little more personal than I'm comfortable talking about" or "that's not something I'm comfortable discussing at the moment" is the way to go. Maybe that's because they're being inappropriate and they'll get the hint. Maybe they're just being friendly and will think that you've got some hangup or just lost a partner or got dumped. That may not satisfy your desire to find the perfect response to put someone in their place but it's going to be better for your life in the long run.
posted by phearlez at 1:49 PM on February 2, 2010
Are you saying you think asking someone if they're married or seeing someone is necessarily inappropriate in a personal setting? In a professional one? That's a pretty broad brush you're painting with there. Are you sure you're not bringing some personal issues to the table here?
There's clearly situations where it's wrong or ham-handed, but are these never situations where someone's trying to get to know you better?
I bring this up because if you're looking for that one all-purpose zinger then you'd better be very sure you're deploying it in a situation where most people would think they've overstepped in bringing it up. Otherwise maybe you're going to make people think you're kind of a creep. Not so helpful in the personal situation, potentially career-damaging in the professional one.
Simply saying "that's a little more personal than I'm comfortable talking about" or "that's not something I'm comfortable discussing at the moment" is the way to go. Maybe that's because they're being inappropriate and they'll get the hint. Maybe they're just being friendly and will think that you've got some hangup or just lost a partner or got dumped. That may not satisfy your desire to find the perfect response to put someone in their place but it's going to be better for your life in the long run.
posted by phearlez at 1:49 PM on February 2, 2010
Reply with a "Yeah, but he's doing time for murder right now."
posted by anniecat at 1:50 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 1:50 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
But don't do this if you're interested in possibly meeting someone. If you're interested in meeting someone, say, "No, do you know anyone?" I think in most cases, it's better to be nice than rude, and zinging is going to be rude.
posted by anniecat at 1:53 PM on February 2, 2010
posted by anniecat at 1:53 PM on February 2, 2010
I'm also known for being blunt and "rude" which is why people feel like they can say anything to me.
When people ask me my salary I casually laugh it off (I am unemployed lol). I'd suggest you change your outlook on how important these slightly inappropriate questions are.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:58 PM on February 2, 2010
When people ask me my salary I casually laugh it off (I am unemployed lol). I'd suggest you change your outlook on how important these slightly inappropriate questions are.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 1:58 PM on February 2, 2010
xm, maybe my paranoia is kicking in, but if this is a co-worker (or someone senior to you), I'm getting a little whiff of harassment to the practice of asking this question . . . particularly if the "others" who are questioned are women. I suggested my answer above because it is a clear but pleasant warning to let someone know that this behavior is making you uncomfortable. If there is more going on though, I'd also suggest you start documenting.
posted by bearwife at 2:15 PM on February 2, 2010
posted by bearwife at 2:15 PM on February 2, 2010
Best answer: It sounds like what you're looking for is the perfect answer that will put the buttinski in place and teach him or her to never ask questions like that again, of you or anyone else.
Sorry, that doesn't exist.
They are breaking a social code by asking such personal questions; it's well known in American culture that you should not ask a woman how old she is, or a man his salary, or nag on single people about when they're going to get married and have kids, or any number of other personal questions. The fact that they're asking these questions anyway is a big signal that they don't quite get it despite all the training to the contrary and there's not a zinger out there that's going to help them get it all of a sudden.
Personally, I arch my brow, pause for a little longer than necessary, and say, "I beg your pardon?" The response is usually an apology and they don't ask me another personal question, but it certainly doesn't stop that person from asking the same stupid question to someone else.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:25 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sorry, that doesn't exist.
They are breaking a social code by asking such personal questions; it's well known in American culture that you should not ask a woman how old she is, or a man his salary, or nag on single people about when they're going to get married and have kids, or any number of other personal questions. The fact that they're asking these questions anyway is a big signal that they don't quite get it despite all the training to the contrary and there's not a zinger out there that's going to help them get it all of a sudden.
Personally, I arch my brow, pause for a little longer than necessary, and say, "I beg your pardon?" The response is usually an apology and they don't ask me another personal question, but it certainly doesn't stop that person from asking the same stupid question to someone else.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:25 PM on February 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
"When do *you* think I should?"
posted by andreinla at 2:35 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by andreinla at 2:35 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: While I personally am a fan of being nice as opposed to rude in situations like this (where the people probably don't REALIZE you find their question rude,) you could always put THEM on the defensive instead by saying: "You know, you're the n'th person to ask me that. What is up with society's constant obsession with everyone's relationship status?"
That way you're telling them off (without giving them any personal info,) but putting the blame on society more than them. It can be phrased as a hypothetical question, or not. If they don't get the hint, it might turn into a non-mean discussion of privacy, in a way that will educate them as opposed to just offend them.
posted by egeanin at 3:16 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
That way you're telling them off (without giving them any personal info,) but putting the blame on society more than them. It can be phrased as a hypothetical question, or not. If they don't get the hint, it might turn into a non-mean discussion of privacy, in a way that will educate them as opposed to just offend them.
posted by egeanin at 3:16 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
"I was married. He died."
posted by Lobster Garden at 3:17 PM on February 2, 2010
posted by Lobster Garden at 3:17 PM on February 2, 2010
Perhaps ridiculous, but you could just say a random word with a smile or blank face to confuse the situation. "Orange juice," comes to mind.
posted by PersonAndSalt at 3:21 PM on February 2, 2010
posted by PersonAndSalt at 3:21 PM on February 2, 2010
So what exactly is wrong with "I'm
sorry, that's private" and then clamming up? No need to be a dick about it.
posted by mckenney at 3:27 PM on February 2, 2010
sorry, that's private" and then clamming up? No need to be a dick about it.
posted by mckenney at 3:27 PM on February 2, 2010
Best answer: Another specific situation- How would you also answer a faculty member (married) and who seems especially interested in my (others?) personal life? I can't embarrass him in front of other faculty but I would love to keep him guessing without having my answer lead to more questions (which a lot of the above mentioned responses could).
"I don't even answer that when my mother asks!"
"I don't even tell my Facebook friends that!"
"You know, this whole 'death of privacy' thing is really worrisome, don't you think?"
"What can I say? I move in mysterious ways."
"If you're asking, then I'm relieved that my private life isn't on the grapevine!"
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:49 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
"I don't even answer that when my mother asks!"
"I don't even tell my Facebook friends that!"
"You know, this whole 'death of privacy' thing is really worrisome, don't you think?"
"What can I say? I move in mysterious ways."
"If you're asking, then I'm relieved that my private life isn't on the grapevine!"
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:49 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yeah! Monkey toes those are great.
Like "you mean you don't know? I thought my private life was all over the Internet!" if they persist: "you're going to have to ask TMZ.com, because I'm not saying a word about it!"
Wit: the best way to tell someone something harsh while keeping the social high ground.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:00 PM on February 2, 2010
Like "you mean you don't know? I thought my private life was all over the Internet!" if they persist: "you're going to have to ask TMZ.com, because I'm not saying a word about it!"
Wit: the best way to tell someone something harsh while keeping the social high ground.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:00 PM on February 2, 2010
I am sure every woman has experienced this at some point.
Um, no. It has honestly never occurred to me to be cross with someone for innocently asking how old I am, or if I'm married. Perhaps if those were two extremely emotional subjects for me -- but why should they be emotional to anyone? The facts are what they are, and unlike Schroedinger's Cat they will not somehow become more real just because they have been observed.
I honestly do not see the problem with asking an acquaintance, in a personal conversation, if they are married or single, or live uptown or downtown, or prefer Coke to Pepsi. Obviously, no one should pry, especially if it's immediately obvious that the person seems to feel emotional about what (to me) is an innocent question. And if you do run into people who are nosy and cannot take a gentle hint to back off, then by all means go with some of the other responses offered up in this thread and put them in their place. Not everything has to be public.
But that does not mean the question itself is invariably rude. I am sorry I cannot offer a snappy comeback for you to use here, but my first (and second) response to reading (and re-reading) your question is that you have a huge chip on your shoulder, that your own feelings about your age and marital status (and not just the questions about them) have made you rude, projecting your discomfort onto the questioner. You think people are trying to shame you by asking your age and marital status, so you want to find some cutting remark to shame them, when really I think some of these people are just trying to be polite to you by wanting to know more about your life and get to know you better and maybe even be friends.
(Maybe it's a cultural thing? *shrug*)
posted by Asparagirl at 4:09 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Um, no. It has honestly never occurred to me to be cross with someone for innocently asking how old I am, or if I'm married. Perhaps if those were two extremely emotional subjects for me -- but why should they be emotional to anyone? The facts are what they are, and unlike Schroedinger's Cat they will not somehow become more real just because they have been observed.
I honestly do not see the problem with asking an acquaintance, in a personal conversation, if they are married or single, or live uptown or downtown, or prefer Coke to Pepsi. Obviously, no one should pry, especially if it's immediately obvious that the person seems to feel emotional about what (to me) is an innocent question. And if you do run into people who are nosy and cannot take a gentle hint to back off, then by all means go with some of the other responses offered up in this thread and put them in their place. Not everything has to be public.
But that does not mean the question itself is invariably rude. I am sorry I cannot offer a snappy comeback for you to use here, but my first (and second) response to reading (and re-reading) your question is that you have a huge chip on your shoulder, that your own feelings about your age and marital status (and not just the questions about them) have made you rude, projecting your discomfort onto the questioner. You think people are trying to shame you by asking your age and marital status, so you want to find some cutting remark to shame them, when really I think some of these people are just trying to be polite to you by wanting to know more about your life and get to know you better and maybe even be friends.
(Maybe it's a cultural thing? *shrug*)
posted by Asparagirl at 4:09 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Why be hostile to people just trying to know you better? Just answer the question. If you really really don't want to, just say so. But then think about why you're making such a big deal out of it.
Caveat: I don't understand private people. Why put up walls?
posted by callmejay at 4:59 PM on February 2, 2010
Caveat: I don't understand private people. Why put up walls?
posted by callmejay at 4:59 PM on February 2, 2010
The best thing is to say something funny that also maintains your stance (of not betraying yourself) while somehow (in as few words as possible) driving home the point that it's none of their business. That could be a million things. But that's what it boils down to for me. Extra points if this can be managed while smiling. Bottom line: it's their problem (that they're asking), not yours.
I never explain myself in such situations. Doing so would only support the idea that it's any of their business, or that whatever they're asking actually matters.
posted by marimeko at 5:07 PM on February 2, 2010
I never explain myself in such situations. Doing so would only support the idea that it's any of their business, or that whatever they're asking actually matters.
posted by marimeko at 5:07 PM on February 2, 2010
ask me point-blank about getting married (whether I am married, whether I have a boyfriend, whether I will be getting married in the near future etc etc)
I've been asked that a lot, as I've been with my boyfriend a long time. Once I answered: "I'm married to my Lord Jesus Christ" and they left me alone for the rest of the party. But I didn't care for those people and I didn't care if I was rude.
Most times, I answer: "I'm focused on my career right now".
Also, I've been asked that since I was about 25, and I look younger. I guess some people just have no idea of what to say when talking with a young woman.
posted by clearlydemon at 5:09 PM on February 2, 2010
I've been asked that a lot, as I've been with my boyfriend a long time. Once I answered: "I'm married to my Lord Jesus Christ" and they left me alone for the rest of the party. But I didn't care for those people and I didn't care if I was rude.
Most times, I answer: "I'm focused on my career right now".
Also, I've been asked that since I was about 25, and I look younger. I guess some people just have no idea of what to say when talking with a young woman.
posted by clearlydemon at 5:09 PM on February 2, 2010
I am turning 30 this year, I have been married for 5 years and my husband is almost 40. He's an only child whose parents desperately want grandchildren, and I come from a Southern family where the woman's duty is to make babies. When someone asks when we're having kids, I look at them nicely and say, "Oh, you didn't hear? We can't have children."
It's not true but it usually makes the person feel like an ass, which is A-OK in my book, since it's basically noneya. YMMV.
posted by Brittanie at 5:10 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
It's not true but it usually makes the person feel like an ass, which is A-OK in my book, since it's basically noneya. YMMV.
posted by Brittanie at 5:10 PM on February 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
it's well known in American culture that you should not ... nag on single people about when they're going to get married and have kids, or any number of other personal questions.
peanut_mcgillicuty, while I agree with your answer, I have to ask... do we live in the same America? Marriage and kids are such a huge part of the social fabric that some people can't even imagine it might be thought rude. Look at some of the responses above.
(My opinion that it's obnoxious, but well-intentioned and not deserving of a nasty response notwithstanding.)
posted by canine epigram at 5:24 PM on February 2, 2010
peanut_mcgillicuty, while I agree with your answer, I have to ask... do we live in the same America? Marriage and kids are such a huge part of the social fabric that some people can't even imagine it might be thought rude. Look at some of the responses above.
(My opinion that it's obnoxious, but well-intentioned and not deserving of a nasty response notwithstanding.)
posted by canine epigram at 5:24 PM on February 2, 2010
Best answer: Ooh, you can always use my favourite phrase, which I saw posted here some time ago: "Unfortunately, I can't bear children."
Let them figure out which meaning of the word is intended.
posted by Pomo at 5:42 PM on February 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
Let them figure out which meaning of the word is intended.
posted by Pomo at 5:42 PM on February 2, 2010 [5 favorites]
thought of some more:
"When I'm done mourning the death of privacy"
"Did my mother hire you to find that out?"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:15 PM on February 2, 2010
"When I'm done mourning the death of privacy"
"Did my mother hire you to find that out?"
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 6:15 PM on February 2, 2010
Another specific situation- How would you also answer a faculty member (married) and who seems especially interested in my (others?) personal life?
Perhaps this is too pithy for the straightforward kind of thing you're going for, but if I found myself in a similar situation, I'd say something like "That sounds like a question for (someone with tenure/a full professor/the department chair). How about you just go ahead and give me (whichever applies)?"
posted by solipsophistocracy at 6:55 PM on February 2, 2010
Perhaps this is too pithy for the straightforward kind of thing you're going for, but if I found myself in a similar situation, I'd say something like "That sounds like a question for (someone with tenure/a full professor/the department chair). How about you just go ahead and give me (whichever applies)?"
posted by solipsophistocracy at 6:55 PM on February 2, 2010
When asked why I wasn't married, I would reply,"The last guy that asked me, I didn't know would be the last guy to ask me." The look on their face is priceless.
posted by JujuB at 8:57 PM on February 2, 2010
posted by JujuB at 8:57 PM on February 2, 2010
Best answer: I'm close to your age, divorced and I'm not planning on getting remarried. I occasionally get people asking me when I'm going to get married again. Since I'm a single parent, it's usually also accompanied by some weird judgmental attitude. I totally get this question and why it's annoying.
I've also found that if I overshare on my answer to this question and say things like I'm divorced, or that I don't date, or I answer that I'm probably never going to remarry, certain people have a tendency to veer into even more uncomfortable questions like, "Oh, but your ex... is he around?" Said with great meaning/pity/etc.
Best response when people ask me when I'm getting married is a really vague, "Hm. I don't know." The trick to this working is to 1.) say it in a really nonchalant and uninterested way, and 2.) immediately shut up after you say it, usually leaving a killer awkward silence hanging between you and the asker.
"Why do you ask?" and a raised eyebrow/evil eye combo is also an effective way to shut down irritating questions about your personal life. I save this as the nuclear option for the kind of people who persist at digging into to the topic.
If it was someone I knew fairly well, I'd probably fire off some sarcastic remark, but then again, most people who know me well are also clued in enough to not ask me questions like that.
posted by howrobotsaremade at 9:43 PM on February 2, 2010
I've also found that if I overshare on my answer to this question and say things like I'm divorced, or that I don't date, or I answer that I'm probably never going to remarry, certain people have a tendency to veer into even more uncomfortable questions like, "Oh, but your ex... is he around?" Said with great meaning/pity/etc.
Best response when people ask me when I'm getting married is a really vague, "Hm. I don't know." The trick to this working is to 1.) say it in a really nonchalant and uninterested way, and 2.) immediately shut up after you say it, usually leaving a killer awkward silence hanging between you and the asker.
"Why do you ask?" and a raised eyebrow/evil eye combo is also an effective way to shut down irritating questions about your personal life. I save this as the nuclear option for the kind of people who persist at digging into to the topic.
If it was someone I knew fairly well, I'd probably fire off some sarcastic remark, but then again, most people who know me well are also clued in enough to not ask me questions like that.
posted by howrobotsaremade at 9:43 PM on February 2, 2010
Best answer: "I'll have my publicist let you know."
"I'm not sure, I'll have to consult my autobiography after I write and publish it."
"I don't know, time travel doesn't exist yet."
posted by IndigoRain at 12:34 AM on February 3, 2010
"I'm not sure, I'll have to consult my autobiography after I write and publish it."
"I don't know, time travel doesn't exist yet."
posted by IndigoRain at 12:34 AM on February 3, 2010
Best answer: Canine epigram, I agree that marriage and family are part of the social fabric of America--that's why so many people wear rings after all; it's an outward symbol that this person has made a commitment to someone else.
But questions about relationships, family status, age, and particularly the "whens" of childbearing are considered personal--at least if Miss Manners, Emily Post, and Dear Abby are to be believed. The "how do I get people to stop asking me these questions" question pops up in those columns and on Ask MeFi frequently enough that many people do still seem to feel that this is personal information that shouldn't be up for discussion. Maybe it's just my Southern upbringing, but I was taught that you never ask a woman her age or anyone their salary, and you shouldn't assume anything regarding pregnancy or eventual child rearing because you just never know what people's situations are. It's about being sensitive to other people's lives at the expense of your curiosity. Those mores seem even more in practice in my professional life in NYC, so I don't think it's limited to a region of the country.
What the OP describes (whether I am married, whether I have a boyfriend, whether I will be getting married in the near future etc etc) crosses the line between "just curious, want to get to know you better" and plain rude. There's a big difference between, "Oh, are you married?" and "Oh, you're not married? Well, do you have a boyfriend? Well, do you think he might ask you to marry him soon? Well, what are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger, you know!" You might expect some of those questions from Great Aunt Ruth, who really does just want to see you happily settled down, but you shouldn't have to put up with them from a faculty member (presumably a colleague or some other professional-type relationship).
As for my response, I'd clarify that I wouldn't answer "Are you married?" with "I beg your pardon?" but I certainly would answer any follow up questions with it. My legal relationship status may be public but my private social relationships are certainly no one else's business.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:18 AM on February 3, 2010
But questions about relationships, family status, age, and particularly the "whens" of childbearing are considered personal--at least if Miss Manners, Emily Post, and Dear Abby are to be believed. The "how do I get people to stop asking me these questions" question pops up in those columns and on Ask MeFi frequently enough that many people do still seem to feel that this is personal information that shouldn't be up for discussion. Maybe it's just my Southern upbringing, but I was taught that you never ask a woman her age or anyone their salary, and you shouldn't assume anything regarding pregnancy or eventual child rearing because you just never know what people's situations are. It's about being sensitive to other people's lives at the expense of your curiosity. Those mores seem even more in practice in my professional life in NYC, so I don't think it's limited to a region of the country.
What the OP describes (whether I am married, whether I have a boyfriend, whether I will be getting married in the near future etc etc) crosses the line between "just curious, want to get to know you better" and plain rude. There's a big difference between, "Oh, are you married?" and "Oh, you're not married? Well, do you have a boyfriend? Well, do you think he might ask you to marry him soon? Well, what are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger, you know!" You might expect some of those questions from Great Aunt Ruth, who really does just want to see you happily settled down, but you shouldn't have to put up with them from a faculty member (presumably a colleague or some other professional-type relationship).
As for my response, I'd clarify that I wouldn't answer "Are you married?" with "I beg your pardon?" but I certainly would answer any follow up questions with it. My legal relationship status may be public but my private social relationships are certainly no one else's business.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:18 AM on February 3, 2010
I think I'd go with "Why do you need to know?" If they pause long enough to provide a real answer to that question, the lack of decent responses might tip them off to the problem inherent in asking the question in the first place.
Then again, they might say, "I'm just curious," in which case they're a lost cause. Tell them it's none of their business.
posted by timepiece at 12:56 PM on February 3, 2010
Then again, they might say, "I'm just curious," in which case they're a lost cause. Tell them it's none of their business.
posted by timepiece at 12:56 PM on February 3, 2010
How about just saying, "Oh, gosh, I don't know...." and leaving it at that?
Because there are people for whom this answer doesn't work. They continue to nag and pry and pester. Those are the people whom this question is about.
Boy, some of these answers are pretty hostile. People may be a little rude asking when you're going to get married, but it comes from their interest in your life. If you go around telling people off, then you will solve the problem by no longer having anyone interested in your life.
I think I could live quite happily without having rude people interested in my life, thanks. That actually sounds lovely. If being hostile is what it takes to fend them off, sign me up!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:12 AM on February 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Because there are people for whom this answer doesn't work. They continue to nag and pry and pester. Those are the people whom this question is about.
Boy, some of these answers are pretty hostile. People may be a little rude asking when you're going to get married, but it comes from their interest in your life. If you go around telling people off, then you will solve the problem by no longer having anyone interested in your life.
I think I could live quite happily without having rude people interested in my life, thanks. That actually sounds lovely. If being hostile is what it takes to fend them off, sign me up!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:12 AM on February 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
Boy, some of these answers are pretty hostile.
You know what's worse than hostile? Having your nosy cousin ask "so when are you guys going to have kids?" and bursting into tears because you've already been trying for three years. That is why it is rude to ask such questions - you never know what hidden, hurtful buttons are going to get pushed.
posted by timepiece at 5:52 PM on February 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
You know what's worse than hostile? Having your nosy cousin ask "so when are you guys going to have kids?" and bursting into tears because you've already been trying for three years. That is why it is rude to ask such questions - you never know what hidden, hurtful buttons are going to get pushed.
posted by timepiece at 5:52 PM on February 4, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ejazen at 12:34 PM on February 2, 2010 [3 favorites]