should I have offered?
October 29, 2009 5:18 PM Subscribe
did I miss something here? me and BF went for a run. I thought we were having a great time. On our way back, right before we entered our apartment building, I took out a water bottle from my running belt, and downed it. He was looking at me the whole time, then said " Thanks for offering me some!". Now he is mad at me for not thinking of him, and offering him some water. I offered him the second bottle, but he said he didnt' want any. He just wanted to see if I would offer him some. WTF? Did I miss something? What happened to "can I have some?"?
This post was deleted for the following reason: There's not really anything askme can tell you here; if there's an answerable question here, maybe refine this and try again next week? -- cortex
should I have offered?
Perhaps you should talk to him.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:22 PM on October 29, 2009
Perhaps you should talk to him.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 5:22 PM on October 29, 2009
If there were two bottles and you drank only one of them, then I don't really see how you did anything wrong in this case. I get the sense, however, that this isn't really about you not offering him water at that particular time, but rather, he has been stewing about something else for a while and the water thing set him over the edge. Ask him what else is bothering him, and listen.
posted by kitty teeth at 5:22 PM on October 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by kitty teeth at 5:22 PM on October 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
Um. If you just finished a run your only concern should be hydrating yourself, not concerning yourself with how your boyfriend feels about his own hydration...
posted by dfriedman at 5:23 PM on October 29, 2009
posted by dfriedman at 5:23 PM on October 29, 2009
If this kind of minutiae is driving you to the internet to ask strangers before you speak to him, DTMFA.
posted by fire&wings at 5:24 PM on October 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by fire&wings at 5:24 PM on October 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Your use of water was appropriate. You had two bottles. More, you were at your apartment with more water mere feet away. So in answer to the question you asked: you did nothing wrong with the water.
And like everyone before me has said, he is being passive-aggressive about something else
posted by arniec at 5:26 PM on October 29, 2009
And like everyone before me has said, he is being passive-aggressive about something else
posted by arniec at 5:26 PM on October 29, 2009
Ugh, this mind-ready bullshit is the worst in relationships, be they romantic or otherwise. Tell him everything his heart desires is available for the asking, but you need to know if he wants something.
Also, I presume he has a waist with which to carry his own water? If this is about the water, he's got a weird problem. If it's about something else, encourage him to talk in a non-judgemental and open way.
posted by smoke at 5:26 PM on October 29, 2009
Also, I presume he has a waist with which to carry his own water? If this is about the water, he's got a weird problem. If it's about something else, encourage him to talk in a non-judgemental and open way.
posted by smoke at 5:26 PM on October 29, 2009
Nope, you didn't have to offer him some. He's making a big deal out of a little thing.
posted by kylej at 5:27 PM on October 29, 2009
posted by kylej at 5:27 PM on October 29, 2009
Do you usually go for runs together? If so, does he have a history of refusing or otherwise not drinking water right after?
Did he know you had another bottle?
But I agree, it's not just about the water. Do you have a history of not offering something that you have that he thinks you should know that he wants? I'll bet this is what it's really about.
posted by theichibun at 5:27 PM on October 29, 2009
Did he know you had another bottle?
But I agree, it's not just about the water. Do you have a history of not offering something that you have that he thinks you should know that he wants? I'll bet this is what it's really about.
posted by theichibun at 5:27 PM on October 29, 2009
Oh dear god, you're coming to the internet to justify your irritation at your boyfriend's infantile, passive-aggressive action? Okay, no, you're not missing anything, except maybe a better boyfriend than this ridiculous behavior demonstrates.
posted by meerkatty at 5:34 PM on October 29, 2009
posted by meerkatty at 5:34 PM on October 29, 2009
Response by poster: running belt is a belt on velcro with pockets for small water bottles. Used for running.
And no, this is not the first time he gets pissed off, when I don't think to offer him something. WTF? I can't read your freakin mind.
posted by esolo at 5:35 PM on October 29, 2009
And no, this is not the first time he gets pissed off, when I don't think to offer him something. WTF? I can't read your freakin mind.
posted by esolo at 5:35 PM on October 29, 2009
Clearly, you should have offered him the water.
posted by box at 5:35 PM on October 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by box at 5:35 PM on October 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
He sounds like a baby. Sorry, but with the little that I've read here, it sounds like someone has some other issues with your relationship going on and was looking for a fight or something.
posted by elder18 at 5:37 PM on October 29, 2009
posted by elder18 at 5:37 PM on October 29, 2009
Not to be snarky, but how old is he? Maybe you should ask him that next time he acts that way.
posted by TheBones at 5:38 PM on October 29, 2009
posted by TheBones at 5:38 PM on October 29, 2009
What happened to "can I have some?"?
Well, by that same token, one could always say "whatever happened to 'would you like some?'"?
Nevertheless, this is not really a question for AskMe; it's a rant disguised as a question. The only real answer is: go have a conversation with your boyfriend and find out. (And possibly be prepared for a long conversation, as I would bet dollars to donuts that none of this is actually about water.)
posted by scody at 5:38 PM on October 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Well, by that same token, one could always say "whatever happened to 'would you like some?'"?
Nevertheless, this is not really a question for AskMe; it's a rant disguised as a question. The only real answer is: go have a conversation with your boyfriend and find out. (And possibly be prepared for a long conversation, as I would bet dollars to donuts that none of this is actually about water.)
posted by scody at 5:38 PM on October 29, 2009 [1 favorite]
Sounds like you failed a love test. And love tests suck. They can happen at any time, and the grading scale changes depending on your SO's mood.
But, you need to call him on it. If he is really mad about something so insignificant, just tell him you don't have time for his games and find something else to do. He'll come around, or he won't.
posted by Roger Dodger at 5:41 PM on October 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
But, you need to call him on it. If he is really mad about something so insignificant, just tell him you don't have time for his games and find something else to do. He'll come around, or he won't.
posted by Roger Dodger at 5:41 PM on October 29, 2009 [2 favorites]
Sounds like an emotionally abusive, passive aggressive sort of fellow.
The best thing to do (if you want to salvage this relationship) is to approach him a little later, and lay down the law: he has to communicate his feelings, and if he asks for water and you offer it (like you did) he damn well better take it.
Then let him call you.
A mitigating factor may be that he was bonking after your run, but you say he has done this sort of thing before...
posted by KokuRyu at 5:41 PM on October 29, 2009
The best thing to do (if you want to salvage this relationship) is to approach him a little later, and lay down the law: he has to communicate his feelings, and if he asks for water and you offer it (like you did) he damn well better take it.
Then let him call you.
A mitigating factor may be that he was bonking after your run, but you say he has done this sort of thing before...
posted by KokuRyu at 5:41 PM on October 29, 2009
I pull this passive-aggressive bullshit all the time. It's not something I like about myself. Usually I'm sort of pissed off about something else, but sometimes it's a genuine thing. It may just be a difference in how the two of you were raised - perhaps you were raised in an Asking culture and him in a Giving culture. Neither way is right or wrong, and it's usually not a problem until the two of them clash.
I don't think this is a situation that requires dumping. Just talk to him when you're both calm and happy with each other.
posted by muddgirl at 5:43 PM on October 29, 2009
I don't think this is a situation that requires dumping. Just talk to him when you're both calm and happy with each other.
posted by muddgirl at 5:43 PM on October 29, 2009
I will second the "it's a love test" remark. At that SECOND in time he was feeling neglected, wanted you to read his mind and psychically KNOW you had to care about him and put him first, and silly you, you were thirsty instead. Now he *sniffles* knows you don't REALLY love him, you horrible person, you!
There is nothing you can do except to kiss his ass every goddamned time and offer him everything first from now on.
(He's just acting crazy, but there's nothing you can do about that, you're gonna be damned in his eyes at least for the rest of today and either you cave in to the whining or you dump him.)
--signed, failure at love tests for eternity
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:49 PM on October 29, 2009
There is nothing you can do except to kiss his ass every goddamned time and offer him everything first from now on.
(He's just acting crazy, but there's nothing you can do about that, you're gonna be damned in his eyes at least for the rest of today and either you cave in to the whining or you dump him.)
--signed, failure at love tests for eternity
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:49 PM on October 29, 2009
Also be aware that for some people, exercise makes them irrational and grumpy during and immediately after. (The feel good bit comes later). This does not excuse them, but allows you to expect such nonsense.
But do talk to him when you both are calm about expectations in your relationship. Ie, if he expects you to offer him water, does he also expect you to carry water for him? Could he (as suggested above) when thirsty ask nicely, excuse me honey, I wouldn't mind a drink right now sort-of-thing.
If he overreacts to the nice talk, I'd seriously suggest you reconsider your relationship and what it brings you.
posted by b33j at 5:50 PM on October 29, 2009
But do talk to him when you both are calm about expectations in your relationship. Ie, if he expects you to offer him water, does he also expect you to carry water for him? Could he (as suggested above) when thirsty ask nicely, excuse me honey, I wouldn't mind a drink right now sort-of-thing.
If he overreacts to the nice talk, I'd seriously suggest you reconsider your relationship and what it brings you.
posted by b33j at 5:50 PM on October 29, 2009
My guess is that his perception is that he is in tune to doing nice things for you and was looking for an opportunity for you to do something nice for him and wants it done without having to ask for it. His perception is probably wrong, but I think this is a typical man thing to do. Men are babies (I am one). My recommendation is to talk about how you each do nice things for each other and how best to communicate those things. I'm sure he's a good guy, with a small character flaw. Could be worse.
posted by Edward L at 5:54 PM on October 29, 2009
posted by Edward L at 5:54 PM on October 29, 2009
I was climbing a hill with my then-GF and some friends. I'd climbed before, she hadn't. 1/32nd of the way up, she's tired and all "you go on ahead, I'll go back (in her car), you go on with your friends", and we'll meet up later.
I'm like "no, I'll come down with you". She's all "no, go on ahead, I'll be fine".
Rinse and repeat for 10 minutes, by which time I relent and go on up.
I call her when I get down a few hours later, she's pissed because I let her go down by herself.
The moral is: DTMFA.
posted by signal at 5:54 PM on October 29, 2009
I'm like "no, I'll come down with you". She's all "no, go on ahead, I'll be fine".
Rinse and repeat for 10 minutes, by which time I relent and go on up.
I call her when I get down a few hours later, she's pissed because I let her go down by herself.
The moral is: DTMFA.
posted by signal at 5:54 PM on October 29, 2009
Is it correct that you had both water bottles attached to your running belt and after both of you finished running, you took one bottle, drank from it and didn't offer him any from that bottle or the second bottle, until he complained?
If so, I can understand how he might be angry, without condoning his terrible behavior.
Get off the internet and go talk to him. Clearly there's broken communication lines going, evident by his lousy behavior and your rant on the internet instead of talking to him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:57 PM on October 29, 2009
If so, I can understand how he might be angry, without condoning his terrible behavior.
Get off the internet and go talk to him. Clearly there's broken communication lines going, evident by his lousy behavior and your rant on the internet instead of talking to him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:57 PM on October 29, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by purephase at 5:20 PM on October 29, 2009 [1 favorite]