Help with touchy situation

October 4, 2009 4:54 PM

I have moved back to my home town after about ten years. Throughout those years, an ex-boyfriend has been slandering me to old friends, colleagues, etc. I haven’t been in touch with a lot of these people and simply didn’t want to talk about the situation, so I didn’t.

This ex-bf liked to call me a fucking bitch, pressure me for sex when I did not want it and make fun of my appearance and other aspects of my life. I finally wrote him an angry letter telling him not to contact me anymore after he made some particularly demeaning comments. This enraged him, so he started calling my and my parents’ houses and whispering fuck you in a creepy voice or just hanging up. He did this intermittently for several years. Throughout this time, I always felt uncomfortable, like he was stalking me.

Beside the letter I wrote breaking up with him, I never fought back. I never defended myself. I’m a reserved, quiet person who despises gossip, so I don’t do it. I moved across the country, traveled a lot, went to grad school and did other stuff. Now I have to be back in this community. It is very awkward with some people who are still friends with this guy. They get sort of a pained look on their face when they see me and it has been uncomfortable.

Bottom line: I simply do not know how to handle situations like this. Yes, I’ve had therapy. Yes, I’ve grown a lot and can take care of myself very well in most situations. Not incidentally, I grew up with an abusive father and became very good at not talking about things. My father and this guy are alike in that they both present themselves as great guys and seem to be considered as such, but are actually sadistic creeps behind closed doors.

So, my question is: how do I defend my reputation while keeping my integrity? How to talk about abuse when people only know the abuser as a great person? Or do I? It’s been a long time, but this situation is still affecting me. Thank you MeFi for any insights.

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

Throughout this time, I always felt uncomfortable, like he was stalking me.

He was stalking you.

I don't have much to say, but from how you say you handled it so far, I think you should continue in that vein: not saying anything. If asked, you can give a brief reason for the breakup, and leave it at that.

If he was that deranged to call your house for years, I bet he will dig his own grave in a matter of time.

Two things: people will forget and people will not really care as much as you think they do.

Go live your fabulous life, stay far away from that person (don't engage him at all), and remember that what these people think is not your business or concern.

Good luck!
posted by Vaike at 5:09 PM on October 4

In situations like this, I basically ignore it and behave with as much integrity as I usually do. Engaging in a discussion about that sort of thing can rapidly turn into "he said, she said." It's difficult to talk people out of that kind of attitude towards you, unless you have some provable bit of dirt on him. Even then, you're at the "do I want to go there?" level. That's usually a last resort for me.

The guy sounds like a Class A Jerk, and they rarely change their ways. It's sad, but sometimes the most effective tactic is to wait for him to do his jerky thing to someone else — eventually, someone will approach you about his behavior with questions. "That seems ... oddly familiar" is a good phrase to use. Class A Jerks never stop with one person, so chances are that while you have been growing up, he's been doing his schtick with someone else, perhaps several.

I'm not suggesting you run out and join a church if you're disinclined to do so, or bake cookies for everyone. Simply hold your head up high, be polite if you run into him (even when alone), and, if it is a small community, word will probably get around that you're a decent person.
posted by adipocere at 5:15 PM on October 4 [1 favorite]

You're anonymous, so I don't expect an answer, but I only see this as an issue if you're moving back to a small town. If you're moving to a city of even moderate size, you can short-circuit the issue by simply finding a new group of people to hang out with, which might be healthiest all around.

If/when you are forced to interact with people from your (or your ex's) past, just be decent towards them and don't bring up the past. If they say "your ex has said some pretty awful things about you," answer "I know. I could say some pretty awful things about him too, but I'd prefer not to dwell on that." In short, take the high ground in general. People can side with the person who actively badmouths, or the person who doesn't. People of quality will side with you.
posted by adamrice at 5:17 PM on October 4 [1 favorite]

In situations like this I harken to The Four Agreements:

Be impeccable with your word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't take anything personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dreams. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama.

Always do your best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

If you can practice these four agreements, the people in your town will see that you are kind, considerate, sincere and true to yourself. They are likely to observe that your ex was simply full of it about you. You'll be fine... because you are.
posted by netbros at 5:17 PM on October 4 [34 favorites]

Sounds like a nasty situation. You defend your integrity by being the person you are and not bringing up the situation. If they're really friends with your ex, they'll either write you off from the beginning or they'll observe you and conclude that they've been wrong about him.

Are you sure you're interpreting their pained expressions correctly, though? Perhaps they know that he treated you badly, or that he's a jerk in general, in which case their expressions are pained because they empathize with you and feel embarrassed that they're still his friends. It's a possibility.
posted by brianogilvie at 5:32 PM on October 4 [1 favorite]

You say that he has been slandering you, but you don't tell us what he's been say or who he's been saying it to. You just describe how he has harassed you and your parents. It would be helpful to know how he has been slandering you. You can post follow up by contacting the mods using the 'contact' link at the bottom of the page.
posted by alms at 6:27 PM on October 4

It has been ten years. It's very likely your old acquaintances barely even remember the whole matter of your ex trashing you. And I agree with the poster who suggested you may be misinterpreting people's facial expressions.
posted by orange swan at 6:53 PM on October 4

Chances are, everyone knows how insane your ex is.

It's not worth worrying about.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:25 PM on October 4

I think most rational people (and mind you there are non-rational people, but do you really care what they think?) will interpret someone openly dissing their ex for ten years as classic douchebag behavior, unless you did something horrible like cheat which it seems you did not. The fact that you were stalked and harassed isn't any polite person's business unless you choose to share for yourself, and anyone who hasn't seen you in that length of time who presses for gossip on a bygone relationship is best avoided. Even in a small town there are at least two groups of people, one which your ex presumably doesn't belong to. I would just avoid them and there group. If anyone asks about the situation, I would respond with "It was painful and personal for me." If they press, "It was a painful time and I don't feel comfortable discussing it." If they ask a third time, excuse yourself. It is neither polite nor professional for them to pry.

Should you be harassed by this man again, please involve the authorities. Calling you repeatedly is stalking, and you can file a restraining order if need be. This douchenozzle is a useless jackass, and you are going to okay dealing with any residual crap he left you. You do not need to stoop to the level of defending a made up reputation. You are better than that.
posted by itsonreserve at 9:34 PM on October 4

By now, the people who know him know that he's full of shit, or if they haven't worked that out, you don't want them to like you, because they're hopeless at social situations, justice, ethics, that sort of thing.

The pained look on their face might be that they feel guilty for listening to gossip about you. It might be wind. Feel free to say, "Did I say something that bothered you?" If they say "yes, I know you're a weirdo because your ex says so," say something non-committal like "Really?" and laugh it off. Do not argue it, what they (the ex and his friends) think of you is none of your business and you do not care. Other people will make their minds up on the basis of your actions, so you needn't do anything except be your normal good self.

It's hard, but the best defense against gossip is to a. ignore it, and b. keep on being ethical.
posted by b33j at 10:09 PM on October 4

Couldn't agree more with itsonreserve. What would you like to bet that you're not the only person he's treated like this? It really doesn't matter what he says or has said about you as people will see you for who your really are. Live free - and protect yourself if necessary from this person.
posted by x46 at 10:11 PM on October 4

"People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel".

Make people feel good about you. Ignore what the ex has said to them. Just be friendly and yourself. When people see you for yourself, being a nice person, that will override what your ex has been saying. It might take a while to settle in, but over time, the truth will out. Especially in a small community.
posted by Solomon at 1:35 AM on October 5

If anyone cares to ask you about your relationship with ex-douchebag, then feel free to share your experiences. Other than that, it's been 10 years, and I agree that anyone who still holds a bad opinion of you for that much time is just as crazy as the ex. Just let it go and move on.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 3:17 AM on October 5

Read The Gift of Fear, realize that anyone who believes this stalker's smear campaign over their own eyes is not worth worrying about, and live your life to the fullest. Anyone with a lick of sense will quickly see that his accusations are nonsense; everyone else is just in it for the drama and you're better off without them anyway.

It's so important to remember that no amount of lying and backstabbing can hide the truth forever. The truth is you're a good person, right? Right. And eventually the people who matter are going to see through it (if they haven't already) and react accordingly. In the meantime, try not to worry so much about what others think. If you're honest with yourself, you'll probably find that their opinions of you are completely irrelevant to your life.

Oh, and make some new friends, friends who don't know this psycho and wouldn't believe him if they did. It can be a little terrifying at first, but nothing's more empowering and rewarding than building new friendships from scratch. You're a good, worthwhile person and you deserve to have good friends who love you for you. Go find some.
posted by balls at 5:48 AM on October 5