Dead libido at 24? What should I do about relationships?

September 15, 2009 1:07 PM

Dead libido at 24? What should I do about relationships?

I'm a 24 year old female in good physical and mental health. I exercise, eat well, have had blood work and a physical done recently; no problems and nothing irregular except a slightly higher-than-average testosterone level, actually.

I had a pretty high libido as a teenager, but that might just be because I usually wasn't getting regular sex. I was in a long distance relationship for most of my teens and half of college.

I started noticing my libido declining in my second long term relationship, when I was 21. I started noticing that I was annoyed rather than aroused when my boyfriend approached me and touched me sexually. Unfortunately, the more I drew back, the more grabby and gropey at all times he got. It became a cycle. (Groping had never bothered me before this. It used to turn me on.)

It ended quickly after that and I chalked it up to unhappiness with the relationship in general.

My next boyfriend wasn't a groper, so that annoyance factor wasn't there. And I wanted to have sex with him occasionally. But he wanted it more. Nothing excessive, just a few times a week. I did it with him when he wanted to, even though I would really have preferred to just cuddle.

Eventually, I just didn't want to do it at all anymore. We stopped having sex for about 4 months. I felt extremely guilty. I broke up with him because I didn't think the situation was fair to him, but I just didn't want to have sex with him anymore at all.

I chalked *that* up to that relationship just not working, as well. At the time, I thought I still might be having problems because of lack of compatibility, or attraction, or something like that.

Now I have a third boyfriend. Of course, he has a higher sex drive than anyone who came before him and wants it at *least* once a day. And even if I do that, he will grope me constantly to push for two or more times a day. He's not a bad guy or a Neanderthal, he's great, he just has a really libido.

I really, really like him, love him, and think he's very good looking, and I think I was hoping that either my libido would come back or eventually I would get used to this high level of sex. We've been dating for 8 months and moved in together recently.

When he gropes me, my instinctual reaction is annoyance and anger. The last time he grabbed my chest, I instinctively slapped his hand away without thinking. I have taken to crossing my arms over my chest when I pass by him, and wrapping myself up in blankets when I sleep so I'm not jarred awake by hands. I feel like I'm under siege and it stresses me.

I have sex with him all the time because I know it's important to him. But it's a chore to me. I *never* want it of my own volition. Subconsciously I've developed all sorts of strategies to avoid him at certain times. He always wants to have sex in the morning and I hate that time the most, so I'm always trying to get out of the house without waking him up.

The other day I had a frightening thought.

I was thinking about the idea of getting married to him. I realized that for him to be happy in the marriage, we would have to have a lot of sex. Suddenly I visualized the idea of having to have that much sex, day in, and day out, for the next 50 years. It made me feel trapped, desperate, and gave me a feeling of dread and being overwhelmed.

Some of my partners have been good in bed, and some of them have been bad in bed. When I had a high libido, there were definitely things that I liked. And my boyfriend now does those things, so I know it's not just that. The problem isn't that he's doing the wrong things. The problem is that being touched sexually just does not appeal to me at all anymore.

The exception is that I still masturbate, always have, pretty frequently in fact, and still enjoyed it up until I moved in with my current boyfriend. Now we have so much sex that I don't even want to do that anymore. I feel like I would be happy never having sex again or masturbating again for the rest of my life. In fact that would be a relief to me.

I would love it if my boyfriend and I had sex NEVER and just cuddled and kissed. Obviously, I know that's not going to happen, nor would I ever ask it of him.

I'm loth to bring this up to my boyfriend because he is VERY VERY VERY sensitive about his sexual performance. Anything that could be construed as criticism, will send him into the blues for days. He knows I don't want as much sex as he does, but after I've already had sex once in a day, I try to alternate saying no to him with just avoiding him because I don't want him to take it personally and get into that mood.

Is there any hope for me? What do you think I should do? How will I ever get married or have a relationship in the future.

I don't really want to go on drugs. And I actually find the idea of somehow wringing more of a sex drive out of myself exhausting. It makes me feel used up.

posted by anonymousme to human relations (75 comments total)

No one should be groping you. EVER. If you find a guy who treats you with respect and care and love, I'd bet a bunch of bananas that your libido would return.
posted by meerkatty at 1:12 PM on September 15 [6 favorites]

You should get a second physician's opinion/recommendation for bloodwork and make an appointment to see a mental health professional ASAP. Maybe not being interested in sex will be the norm for you and you're fine with it. But at 24, you should exhaustively rule out other options.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:12 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

Are you on hormonal birth control? Did you discuss the lack of sex drive with your doctor when you had the blood work done?
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 1:12 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

For "options", read "causes".
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:13 PM on September 15

Once again, it's time to recommend Emotional Blackmail.

Believe it or not, you can and should learn to say no. When you can say no, stand up for yourself and have your preferences respected, you might find that parts of you that have been sleeping will wake up again.
posted by jon1270 at 1:15 PM on September 15

Sex should always be a good thing. A consensual, physically-pleasing good thing. Feeling like you have to hide from a boyfriend or sneak out to avoid sex is a big sign there's something wrong here.

Additionally - and I am just guessing here - sex for you right now may be sort of a wham-bam his-needs-come-first thing. Is he good at foreplay? Does he finger you/go down on you/make you feel physically good at all, or is it about him? It should be about making you feel good, too.

You know, it really doesn't sound like your libido's dead. It sounds more like you're stressed out by your boyfriend's horndogging and freaking out about what it means for you. It's like after you eat a pint of ice cream and you think, ugh, I will never eat ice cream again. But you will! Maybe you just need a break.

You shouldn't have to hide in your own home. You shouldn't have to defend your ladybits from constant onslaught. If this dude isn't willing to listen to your needs, including taking a freaking break or making sure you feel comfortable in the sexual part of your relationship...maybe it's not a good fit.
posted by harperpitt at 1:18 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]

You're going to get a lot of advice in this thread, from both sides. I want to make a couple things absolutely clear:

1) You are the only person who gets to determine when and how you are to be touched. There is absolutely no reason to "put up" with daily groping that you do not welcome, even from a loved one. If this relationship is to continue, you need to internalize this fact, and then communicate it to your boyfriend, and it needs to be accepted.

2) Libidos come and go, based on a lot of things. Just because you have a low libido in your early 20s doesn't mean you'll hate sex for the rest of your life. I went through a period where I wasn't getting enough sleep and I was really stressed about work, and I had absolutely no sex drive at all. Now that I'm on birth control pills, it is the exact opposite.

3) A corollary to #2: I imagine that most couples struggle with unmatched sex drives at one time or another. But that doesn't mean the solution is for the low-sex-drive person to force him or herself to have sex every day. The "solution" is open communication and an equal receptiveness from both parties to work things out. That being said,

4) "Anything that could be construed as criticism, will send him into the blues for days. He knows I don't want as much sex as he does, but after I've already had sex once in a day, I try to alternate saying no to him with just avoiding him because I don't want him to take it personally and get into that mood." This is not the kind of communication I'm talking about.

5) The fact that you're masturbating a lot honestly makes me think that the problem isn't with your libido. When I had a low sex drive I wasn't masturbating at all. Maybe you're not into guys? Maybe you're not into PIV sex? Maybe you need a loooot more cuddling and a lot less groping? These are things I think you might explore with a good partner.
posted by muddgirl at 1:19 PM on September 15 [8 favorites]

In my experience, loss of libido has been caused by exactly two things:
1. hormonal birth control
2. dating someone I didn't actually like that much
posted by oinopaponton at 1:20 PM on September 15

And when I say "good partner", I don't mean "good in bed".
posted by muddgirl at 1:20 PM on September 15

For those who asked, I'm not on hormonal birth control, and I actually never have been.
posted by anonymousme at 1:22 PM on September 15

I certainly don't claim to know any more about that anonymousme's relationship than you, meerkatty, but I don't see anything indicating that she wasn't being treated with respect, care, or love. Boyfriends tend to do sexual things with their significant others--the OP just wasn't feeling a response when he did so. I think it's a little presumptuous to assert fault in that situation.

OP, are you saying you don't have a sex drive and want one? Or are you saying you don't want to have a sex drive? If it is the latter, I agree that having a nonsexual cuddling-only relationship isn't reasonable to ask of most people. Conversely, it isn't reasonable for your significant others to pressure you into having more sex often than you want. This sounds like a serious discussion you need to have with your partner--not desiring/enjoying sexual contact can make for a big relationship modifier. I don't think there's much room for compromise in that kind of situation, and it's not fair for either of you to be expected to "make do" for the rest of your lives in some mutually unsatisfactory middle ground.
posted by Phyltre at 1:25 PM on September 15

I'm sure someone else will come along to say this better, but the mismatch of libido you describe with your current boyfriend, and especially your feelings of desperation and being trapped, read as a giant "GET OUT NOW" sign. Compromising on this for the rest of your potential life with him is not fair to either of you. Neither of your libido levels are wrong; it just sounds like you two together are not reasonably compatible.
posted by dorothy humbird at 1:25 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

Well, I'm completely creeped out by your boyfriend grabbing your chest when you walk by. I think you've got some stuff to work on, but your boyfriend does too. I would not plan a future life with someone who gets super upset if you talk to them about sex. I think it is perfectly OK for him to take it personally if you tell him you don't find being groped a turn on, because that is some disrespectful and childish bullshit right there. You can't tiptoe around his feelings if he doesn't care that he makes you uncomfortable. Besides, if you can't talk to him openly and honestly about sex you are never ever going to fix this issue even if you do talk to your doctor and/or a therapist.
posted by oneirodynia at 1:25 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

I'm loth to bring this up to my boyfriend because he is VERY VERY VERY sensitive about his sexual performance. Anything that could be construed as criticism, will send him into the blues for days. He knows I don't want as much sex as he does, but after I've already had sex once in a day, I try to alternate saying no to him with just avoiding him because I don't want him to take it personally and get into that mood.

Sit him down. Tell him that you really, really, really do mean it when you say it isn't him, its you. He's not emotionally blackmailing you by asking for what he wants. You are however, allowed to say no and he has to accept that and decide whether this relationship is for him. It may be that it isn't. Better you find someone who wants less sex.

But you may need to take time to assess whether or not you might not want to date someone with a lower sex drive instead. Some great people aren't right for us.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:25 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]

Doctor, then therapist.

Anti-depressants can affect libido.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes a cigar represents sexuality, etc. Maybe you have a low libido. Maybe he has a high libido. Maybe you have some repressed trauma. Maybe he's exploiting you. Maybe... all sorts of possibilities. People on the Internet can't diagnose this.

All therapists are not alike. Sadly, the field is rife with the merely adequate. I recommend a PhD. Psychologist with expertise in sexual dysfunction, who has treated women who have experienced sexual abuse. I'm not saying you were abused, but I'd look for someone with that experience, and probably someone female.
posted by theora55 at 1:27 PM on September 15

Jesus, I wouldn't want to have sex either with someone who constantly groped me. You need to tell him to cut that shit out, yesterday. You need to tell him that it stresses you out and makes you not want to have sex with him.

Anything that could be construed as criticism, will send him into the blues for days.

I'd bring this up in front of a counselor.
posted by desjardins at 1:28 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

Aside from exploring all of the options (and there are many) with this, I can only add that, if this is a medical issue, fix it now versus later.
posted by adipocere at 1:34 PM on September 15

meerkatty: "No one should be groping you. EVER. "

Really? Come on. She's not talking about a stranger on the subway. She's talking about her boyfriend playfully/affectionately grabbing her.
posted by radioamy at 1:36 PM on September 15 [6 favorites]

She's talking about her boyfriend playfully/affectionately grabbing her.

Which is only playful and affectionate if she wants to be groped. Which she doesn't.

It's unclear whether she's told her boyfriend this. If she hasn't, she should.
posted by muddgirl at 1:42 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

You could be me. I feel for you. Two things I have learned about myself:
1. If I feel any pressure at all toward doing anything (especially sex) my interest in that thing takes a nosedive.
2. Cut your masturbation sessions way, way back or stop altogether. If you don't need sex, you won't want sex; so stop satisfying yourself as often and give someone else a chance.
I had sex unwillingly for (hate to admit this) almost 10 years. It never gets easier no matter how much you care about someone. Be true to yourself. Try being totally celibate for awhile i.e. no masturbation and see if you don't start feeling 'interested' again.
posted by stubborn at 1:43 PM on September 15

meerkatty: "No one should be groping you. EVER. "

radioamy: Really? Come on. She's not talking about a stranger on the subway. She's talking about her boyfriend playfully/affectionately grabbing her.

I am totally with meerkatty. I am a prude by NO stretch, believe me, but to have someone be grabbing at me when I don't want it, even from someone who I am dating and intimate with, it is extremely off putting and would make me exceptionally uncomfortable. It seems really disrespectful.
posted by gwenlister at 1:47 PM on September 15

If you're worried about confronting your boyfriend, ponder this: the longer you continue to associate sex with pressure and stress, the more difficult it will be to regain your sex drive.
posted by desjardins at 1:48 PM on September 15 [10 favorites]

First, you should see your GP for a full physical and explain the situation to him/her. A very low sex drive could just be your natural state, it could be a reaction to something that's off in your relationship(s), or it could be a hormonal imbalance or something medical. If it's a symptom of something that's genuinely wrong with your body, that would be good for you to know. If not, at least you can totally rule that out and not wonder "what if?"

So, once you rule out physical causes, then it's time to hie thee to a therapist, probably with your boyfriend, if you two are serious (and since you live together, it sounds like you are). Find a therapist you both like who deals with relationship and sex issues and give that a shot for a while.

If, after a year or so of therapy, you still feel exactly the same way you do now, at the very least your boyfriend will have a better understanding of how you feel and know that it's not his fault. That would allow you two to go your separate ways and find partners with more similar libidos and sexual needs. Good luck! It's good that you realize avoiding/denying him and feeling uncomfortable isn't a viable solution. And, on behalf of high-libido'ed people everywhere, thank you for not marrying him without fully exploring your options and making sure your partner is informed every step of the way.
posted by booknerd at 1:50 PM on September 15

Boyfriends tend to do sexual things with their significant others

I have taken to crossing my arms over my chest when I pass by him, and wrapping myself up in blankets when I sleep so I'm not jarred awake by hands.

This goes beyond "sexual things" and into ... something else. She's not a walking 24 Hour Sex Dispenser.

If she hasn't addressed how completely disrespectful and selfish this is, she needs to.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:53 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]

Really? Come on. She's not talking about a stranger on the subway. She's talking about her boyfriend playfully/affectionately grabbing her.

I'm sorry - there is nothing playful or affectionate in the OP's description. Big difference. Rather, the OP writes about unwanted grabbing and these words: trapped, desperate, and gave me a feeling of dread and being overwhelmed.


She asked about what could bring her libido back - and a definite solution would be avoiding someone who displays this type of behavior.
posted by meerkatty at 1:54 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]

Nthing the chorus of creeped-outedness at all the grabbing. I think the calls for therapy are a little premature - you know exactly what's turning you off, even if you haven't quite articulated it that way. He's pushy and disrespectful (even if unintentionally) and that makes the idea of sex not at all fun or pleasant for you.

If you haven't communicated that it makes you the opposite of turned-on, you need to do so ASAP. Yeah, he may get upset for a little while, but a) he can deal with it and b) not telling him means he's going to be regularly sabotaging himself without knowing it, which isn't fair to him. He also needs to learn to cope when you say no - and you need to feel free to say no exactly as often as you want to.

Now, if you've already explained that you don't like being groped, start throwing elbows. A good, solid shot to the ribs clears that particular behavior up right quick.
posted by restless_nomad at 1:54 PM on September 15

anonymousme,

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds awful and you have my sympathies. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what you should do here, but I will say this: If it bothers you to do something, don't do it. Seriously, don't. You're not going to bring your libido back by just trying to tough it out. You know how when people break a leg, they're given a cast and crutches, so they don't use their leg? A similar analogy applies to you, I think. You're trying to act as though nothing is wrong, but clearly something is and by ignoring you're making it worse. This doesn't make your a bad person or stupid or anything like that, you aren't taking care of yourself and you're putting others needs ahead of your own.

Work backwards from when this started:
I started noticing my libido declining in my second long term relationship, when I was 21. I started noticing that I was annoyed rather than aroused when my boyfriend approached me and touched me sexually.

Can you figure out why this was? Did something change in him? Did something change in you or your life that made you feel this way? Only you can answer this.

The one thing that I'm consistently hearing from your post is that you need and want more cuddling and kissing and possibly just cuddling and kissing for a while. The other thing I'm hearing is that you're not communicating your needs and wants to your partner. Is that correct? Remember, it's perfectly fine if you don't want to have sex every day or every week or ever really, but it's your responsibility to communicate this to your partner.

Currently, you're in a shitty situation, what with the live-in boyfriend wanting sex everyday and you not wanting it all. You need to tell him how you feel, even if you really, really like him and love him, 'cause if you're not happy then you're not going to be happy being "forced" to do something you don't want to. He may be angry about this and it may result in the death of the relationship, but I think that's a risk you have to take in order to find some sort of happiness with your sex drive. As stubborn said, it's not going to get any better if you keep ignoring it.

1. Work out what you want and don't want. This means, based on what you wrote, no sex, but definitely cuddling and kissing.

2. Talk to a counselor. I get the sense that things may be going on with you that you're not aware of. For instance, you may be behaving how you think you should behaving instead of being how you want to be.

Good luck and it's important for your own mental and physical health to ask for what you want or need in any relationship and not except things that don't make you happy.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 1:55 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

I'm sorry - there is nothing playful or affectionate in the OP's description

Of course there's nothing affection in her description, but I'm betting if you asked him he'd tell you a different story. The fact that she perceives something as frightening say nothing about whether or not his motivations are creepy. She should talk to him about this and figure out what he thinks is going on. If he refuses to talk about it, or doesn't care that he's hurting her then, sure, the groping is creepy, but otherwise, he's a boyfriend touching his girlfriend in a sexual way, that's not creepy, that's normal.
posted by Bulgaroktonos at 2:00 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Given your history of a lower libido, this seems to be deeper issue than 'it's your current boyfriend's fault.' I agree with radioamy that a certain amount of 'groping' in a relationship can just be playful and affectionate. There is a big difference between trying to be a little flirty or seductive and harassment. Given that it seems you haven't really talked to him about this, he probably doesn't really know it bothers you so much. If he knows it bothers you so much, he has no excuse. But he might honestly think he's just trying to tease you into the bedroom. And this is where you've got to start - talk to him. Being insecure of your sexual performance is completely normal. That's something he'll just have to get over - and you've just got to talk with - candidly.

Now, the guy could certainly be a part of the problem, but I don't think this is a dtmfa case and then find the guy you do want to fuck three times a day, because that probably isn't going to happen. Libido is a tricky thing - people go through lots of flux in their libido levels through the years. It is not at all atypical that one half of the relationship wants more sex than the other. Working this out is just part of being in a relationship.

IANAT, but I highly recommend seeking therapy - certainly just for yourself, and maybe couples therapy in addition. In my experience, I've had low libido issues because of deep depression and from medications used to fight this deep depression (damned if you do...). So, that's something you might want to consider.

Of course, there's also the naturopathic route. Ginkgo will increase the blood circulation in your private parts, which - at least in men, obvs - can increase your libido a little. There are also lots of natural aphrodisiacs - chocolate, oysters, strawberries. And I'm not saying this as a panacea to this admittedly complex issue you are in, but you'd be amazed what a couple of drinks can do for your sex life :)

Good luck!
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:01 PM on September 15

I think the grope debate highlights that we should stop using ourselves as the model for OP's relationship. Some people like it when their partner is being frisky, impromptu, and downright inappropriate--and some are made uncomfortable by it! There's no right answer, it's how two people choose to interact.
posted by Phyltre at 2:01 PM on September 15 [4 favorites]

Of course there's nothing affection in her description, but I'm betting if you asked him he'd tell you a different story.

You're betting that he's completely clueless that her physical reaction to the groping (pulling away, slapping his hand, hiding behind a blanket, avoiding him) indicates that she doesn't want to be groped?
posted by muddgirl at 2:03 PM on September 15

You could be (becoming) asexual. There's nothing wrong with that - many people are. However, if you are or do become asexual, this needs to be made clear to future potential partners as it's not fair to have sex to make a new partner happy then revert to asexuality. There are plenty of men who are also asexual too, luckily.
posted by wackybrit at 2:07 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Libido issues aside, your boyfriend needs to learn that groping is not Step 1 on the Foreplay Checklist. Yes, copping a feel can be amusing and fun (for both parties), but geez, he needs to learn to take a hint.
posted by Benjy at 2:08 PM on September 15

Hey - let's not derail this thread into a debate about groping. We really have no details to make judgments either way on the issue, and I don't think it's helping the OP.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:08 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Therapy isn't "premature" here at all. This is exactly what therapy is for.

The point is not to "fix" your current libido--the point is to work with you to examine what's going on and coach you through ways of making your everyday life more satisfactory and (dare I say it?) happy.

If you have a low libido, that's fine. Lots of people do. If you have a low libido and want to have a romantic relationship with someone who has a high libido, that's a big challenge but it might well be possible to negotiate this.

But you need to start by understanding what's going on with you, what you want and expect and need from a relationship, and how to negotiate that with your partner. Not saying anything because you're afraid he'll sulk or pitch a tantrum is not healthy relationship communication. Having sex you don't want that makes you feel icky is not healthy relationship communication.

You can learn how to advocate for yourself and your needs. A good therapist will help you do that.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:08 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]

Also, the whole "aphrodisiac" business is rubbish. Individuals may well have particular foods they find so delicious that it improves their overall receptivity to sensuality, or foods they associate with love and romance, but there's no such thing as a universal aphrodisiac.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:11 PM on September 15

Good lord. This "no one should ever be groped EVER" business is fucking insane. In a healthy relationships between sexually active adults, I would expect groping to be par for the course. I grope my GF all the time. She gropes me. We have lots of fun. Bodies are nice.

That said, if you don't want to be groped, that's your prerogative. But that makes you a bad match for this guy, and your divergent interests, in all likelihood, are going to be point of contention. If you get freaked out by the prospect of 50 years of sex and groping, find someone new. You owe this to yourself and to your BF. There are guys who don't want to have sex; seek them out, or find out the root cause (physical or psychological) of your low sex drive.

I'd give the same advice if the sex were fantastic and you were freaked out over the prospect of having heart-to-heart conversations with this guy for the next five decades. It's a fundamental mismatch between you two. Keep looking.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 2:11 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Also, the whole "aphrodisiac" business is rubbish. Individuals may well have particular foods they find so delicious that it improves their overall receptivity to sensuality, or foods they associate with love and romance, but there's no such thing as a universal aphrodisiac.

Mmmm. I stand corrected. And I should have added that I recommend that purely on hearsay - strawberries have never made me particularly horny, or at least not noticeably so. Should have mentioned that. And like I said, I don't think this issue is of the sort which could be solved through such a simple trick.

Thanks for clearing up, Sid.
posted by Lutoslawski at 2:14 PM on September 15

I actually don't think you need a doctor, pills, or a therapist. I think you need to solve a problem in your relationship. You are masturbating, so I don't think you have a libido problem. The problem might be that you feel like you have no agency in your relationship -- he makes the decision about when and how frequent you have sex, he can't take any constructive comments or suggestions, and he gropes you to the point that you are prophylacticly (heh) protecting yourself from the onslaught day and night.

You've got to stand up for yourself and your needs. You must tell him what's going on -- and he probably knows -- really, how has he not noticed? You slap his hand away, wrap yourself in blankets at night, walk around with your arms over your chest... and he's not noticed, not talked with you about it, not altered his actions?

You have sex with him every day, and he knows you want to do it less, but "gets the blues for days" if you say anything. To rephrase that, when you tell him your needs, he pouts for days -- that's your problem, not libido.
posted by Houstonian at 2:19 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]

That sounds awful. I hope you find some way out of it.

A few suggestions that may be slightly helpful:

1) Be more assertive. Make it damn clear that nothing will progress to sex if you don't feel like it, also make it clear when you don't feel like being playful.
2) Be more aggressive. After you've accomplished the above, make an effort to still touch and cuddle the guy. Be as playful as much as you can, whenever you don't dread it.

A lot of the miscommunication above seems to arise from the fact that you are totally passive. Both sexually and communication-wise. You've basically trained him to push for, and expect, sex when he feels like it. If you're completely passive, and he wants sex, of course he's going to push for sex. You apparently go along with this. Stoppit. You need to have a sit down to talk with him. Get him to understand touching doesn't always mean sex. Teach him to be happy with cuddling occasionally. Be aggressive and show him exactly what you'd like to happen. If you can't both find a middle ground on this, one of you will always be very unhappy.



he is VERY VERY VERY sensitive about his sexual performance
[Sex is] a chore to me. I *never* want it of my own volition

I don't understand how these two go together. Is he that oblivious of your feelings during sex? Are you faking something you're not actually feeling?
posted by FuManchu at 2:20 PM on September 15

Jeeze, you can skip the doctor visit and the, ah, going to couples therapy with your early 20's horndog boyfriend? It is to laugh. You haven't lost your libido, it's just gone AWOL as a result of your continuously telling it that it's opinion on when some sex might be nice was irrelevant compared to your duty to sexually service your immature dick of a boyfriend. No, he's not a neanderthal, he just thinks seduction involves grabbing your tits and sulks at the suggestion that maybe he doesn't have a right to sexual access on demand.

Your attitude towards sex in relationships is terrible, completely unfair and dehumanizing to you, and as a consequence the way you feel about sex right now is completely normal. You can try to re-educate this one (good luck) or you can wait for the inevitable breakup, and then try to stay out of relationships for as long as possible while you get back in touch with your desires when they're not chained to anyone with an outrageous sense of entitlement, and then take another stab at it with the attitude firmly fixed in your mind that when you want to have sex is EXACTLY as important as when he wants to have sex, and the inevitable disparity between these (which certainly is not always the man wanting more) is one of those things grown ups in equitable relationships just have to continuously deal with with as much good grace, understanding and humor as they can manage.

I'll tell you one thing you'll maybe actually listen to: if you think your current problem is going to go anywhere but downhill if you are not willing to get into a series of uncomfortable, genuinely honest talks with your boyfriend about what is going on in your mind and feelings, you're deluding yourself. Ever hear this definition of insanity? "Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
posted by nanojath at 2:25 PM on September 15 [15 favorites]

This "no one should ever be groped EVER" business is fucking insane.

Absolutely no one is saying that. I will share my personal experience.

I went through a 6-month period of extremely low libido. In an attempt to seduce me into having sex, my partner would occasionally start groping me when we were cuddling. It was counter-productive - it made me feel like a sexual object and not like a whole person who deserved to set the rules about her own body. I wanted to cuddle for lots of reasons. At the time, sex was not one of them. Groping me while cuddling just made me avoid touching my partner at all, since I didn't know if he would grope me or not. Thankfully, he was very understanding and we worked through our mismatch.

Now that my libido has increased substantially, I love to be randomly groped. It usually leads to sex of some sort. Now that I WANT to be groped, groping is OK. When I didn't want to be groped, it was intrusive and counterproductive.

The OP does not want to be groped. It is clear she finds it intrusive and it is not helping her boyfriend get laid. Quite the opposite. She needs to be assertive in getting him to stop groping her. That is the advice we are giving her.
posted by muddgirl at 2:26 PM on September 15 [5 favorites]

I love cake. I could, I think, eat cake all the time.

Until someone started forcing cake into my face, day after day.

Then, you know, I wouldn't like cake so much.

I don't think the problem here is your lack of libido (especially since, physically, you are healthy and your testosterone level is high).

I think your boyfriends don't seem to respect your personal boundaries. And yes, you get to have those, even in a relationship!

Now, you're 24, and to any old lady like me that seems pretty young. So maybe your current boyfriend is the same age or so, and he just doesn't know better (giving the charitable spin on this).

But you have to stand up for yourself! This does not make you unreasonable or bitchy. It makes you honest about your own needs.

If you are afraid to say to your boyfriend, "Hey, you're groping me makes me feel so uncomfortable that I am starting to not want to have sex with you any more," then you are not ready for this relationship.

I don't blame you for being annoyed, crossing your arms across your chest, any of that.

I DO think you need to stop feeling like there is something wrong with you and start calling your boyfriend on this issue.

His behavior is unacceptable, and if you can sit down and explain it to him, specifically that while you love being touched when you are actually getting naked and nasty but NOT being groped as if your body was some casual disposable plaything, then I think you can make this relationship work.

If he has all the wonderful qualities you say he has that make you love him, he should be able to understand this!
posted by misha at 2:33 PM on September 15

Thank you all for all your answers. They are extremely thoughtful and helpful, and give me a lot to think about.

Answers to a few of the questions that have been asked:

-I'm certain that I'm not attracted to women
-I'm not/never have been on antidepressants or psychiatric drugs. Or any other drugs. It's been at least 5 years since I've taken any medication at all.
-Sex isn't a wham bam thing, he really tries to please me. The problem is that nothing pleases me. Or what would please me is not being sexual at all.
-I actually have tried abstaining from masturbation for lengthy periods before. That increases my sex drive temporarily... maybe for a few days at the most.
-He usually seems not to notice the grabbing is off-putting to me. It sometimes seems like he thinks if he does it enough, it'll work. There are times when it becomes too much and I tell him to stop really forcefully. When I do this, his feelings get really hurt.
-When we do have sex, I try my best to enjoy it. I usually even have an orgasm, eventually. But it gives me no pleasure, because I don't feel like having an orgasm and don't want one. I feel like the orgasm is something I wrung out of myself just to make the situation better. If he knew I wasn't having a good time during the actual act, he would be extremely hurt, and I don't think he would get over it.
posted by anonymousme at 2:59 PM on September 15

harperpitt sounds spot on to me, pretty much. I know this is a big assumption, but based on what you said about dreading encounters with your boyfriend and strategizing daily about how to escape said encounters, you come off like a victim, someone who feels like they've lost control and is helpless, unwitting, and emotionally drowning. Those avoidant tactics are the sorts of things people who are being domestically abused or emotionally blackmailed resort to--I know that sounds hysterical, but hear me out; I don't mean to equate your relationship with that...just, that the fact you feel unable to even speak openly to your partner about something so important and intimate indicates something is seriously not right in your relationship. In a relationship that works for you, you should not have to silently structure your everyday around what seems like an unavoidable, hard-to-endure encounter! And I'm wondering if that gaping communicative chasm between you two also indicates the sex you have makes you feel used and pointless for anything else. You can't even talk about how to make it more enjoyable for you, but you also can't talk about how the frequency makes you uncomfortable?!!! That, dear, is fucked up.

I can't help but agree with the notion if you found a partner who actually pleased you in bed, or was willing to learn how, and listened to you for real, you'd find your libido resume its healthy, unbattered pace. If there's nothing in it for you AND the whole transaction leaves you feeling like a fuckdoll, well, no wonder you don't want to do it.

I'm sorry if I'm projecting too much. But it sounds like you really, really need to stand up for yourself and talk to your partner. If you can't, for whatever reason, well...are you sure this is the relationship for you? As it stands with the non-communication, it doesn't compute, but that's just me.
posted by ifjuly at 3:04 PM on September 15

There are times when it becomes too much and I tell him to stop really forcefully. When I do this, his feelings get really hurt.

If he knew I wasn't having a good time during the actual act, he would be extremely hurt, and I don't think he would get over it.

You cannot be responsible for another person's feelings at the expense of your own. Why are his feelings more important than yours?
posted by desjardins at 3:06 PM on September 15 [3 favorites]

A better phrasing would have been "You should not feel responsible for another person's feelings, especially at the expense of your own."
posted by desjardins at 3:08 PM on September 15 [5 favorites]

How is this in any way confusing! You don't want to have sex with him. Great. That means you shouldn't. Then you will break up. Later, when you're ready to date, don't date anyone that you don't think, when you look at him, "Damn, I'd like to do him."
posted by RJ Reynolds at 3:11 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

anonymousme: "If he knew I wasn't having a good time during the actual act, he would be extremely hurt, and I don't think he would get over it"

And if you continue hiding it from him, how long will it take you to get over the consequences of that? Participating in sex you don't enjoy is a pretty reliable way to end up not wanting sex period.
posted by idiopath at 3:11 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

If he knew I wasn't having a good time during the actual act, he would be extremely hurt, and I don't think he would get over it.

There may be nothing you can do about this, because that's his issue. You've having your own issues at the moment and you should probably sort those out, even if it means he might be hurt be resolution or work towards resolution of your issues.

Seriously, you need to learn how to care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:15 PM on September 15

Also. I have been on the other side of this. I have had a partner who felt like hiding the fact that she did not want sex from me. Finding this out was devastating, and I would have been happier with finding out immediately (and having a chance to do something about it, take a break from the sexual part of our relationship, and/or go our separate ways) rather than after a number of sexual encounters she was only pretending to enjoy.
posted by idiopath at 3:17 PM on September 15

I feel your pain. I have a rather high libido, always have, except for those last few years of my first long term relationship. Around 22-23, the sex drive took a nose dive. The only real significant difference was that I went from being a college student to a full-time employeed "grownup". Still not sure what was actually going on in my head at the time, but the boyfriend suffered a great deal. After a few years of constantly feeling pressured to have sex, feeling groped and assaulted when he did the typical playful sexual things that had never bothered me before, and constantly feeling guilty because I didn't want him like I "should", he gave me an ultimatum, I could either figure out why I didn't want the sex, or I could let him go.

I couldn't do either. And looking back, I don't think it was a libido mismatch, we meshed perfectly the first few years of our relationship. I think it was so, so much more than just chemicals. The primary issue with me, and possibly with your relationship, was that I felt completely unable to be unhappy. We were supposed to be flawless, I loved him more than I'd ever loved anybody and therefore, we should fit perfectly together. Neither of us was emotionally mature enough to have the hard discussions and understand that it isn't always about you. Your inability to feel sexual isn't exclusively about him. His high sex drive isn't exclusively about you. Until you both can have deep and honest disussions about these really hard topics, it's never gonna get better. If you plan on staying with this guy, you both need counselling, stat.

But you should not get married until this issue is resolved. I mean it. Marriage isn't gonna fix it, and in fact it may only make it worse.
posted by teleri025 at 3:25 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

This "no one should ever be groped EVER" business is fucking insane.

Absolutely no one is saying that.

I stand corrected--the exact upthread quote was "No one should be groping you. EVER."

Written less broadly, this may be taken to mean "You don't like this behavior and, once you have verbally communicated your discomfort with it to your BF, his continued physical contact with your person is a form of battery with which you not endure in healthy relationship and DTMFA." I would not disagree. But as written by the original commentator, the implication seemed to be that groping was an inherently wrong/immoral/abusive act. It is none of the above. The trespass is continuing with behaviors that have been plainly communicated as unwelcome.

Everyone is a precious snowflake. OP, your non-existent sex drive likely puts you out of the norm; for a mid-twenties male, your BF's is probably pretty typical. Neither is empirically right or wrong, and the situation you two are in is not anyone's fault (save for the trespasses identified in the preceding paragraph). But you're fundamentally mismatched. Get therapy/drugs or whatever, or don't--if you're happy being asexual, good for you. I really don't have a dog in this fight. But this relationship is likely going nowhere fast.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 3:28 PM on September 15

I think libido mismatch is a factor in most heterosexual relationships. A number of aspects that contribute to libido are connected to gender and sex. Sometimes the mismatch is so large that some serious compromise is needed. But honesty is needed before that compromise is possible.
posted by idiopath at 3:32 PM on September 15

-He usually seems not to notice the grabbing is off-putting to me.

That's because you don't tell him.

Seriously, you can't expect him to be psychic. TELL HIM.

It sometimes seems like he thinks if he does it enough, it'll work. There are times when it becomes too much and I tell him to stop really forcefully. When I do this, his feelings get really hurt.

And? You can't not ask for what you want, ever, because you're afraid his feelings might get hurt. This is a shitty way to do relationships.

Everyone who's telling you you don't need therapy is wrong. You need therapy because it's almost impossible to debug this kind of shit on your own.

Right now, you don't ask for what you want because you're afraid of hurting your boyfriend's feelings, so you force yourself to just take whatever comes your way, whether it's sex you don't want or groping you don't want. You probably do this in other arenas, too, doing activities you don't want and eating food you don't want and doing work assignments you don't want because you feel so guilty and unworthy of actually standing up for yourself and what you want.

Please don't live like this. You get to want stuff and not want stuff, too. You are not responsible for making sure that everyone else on Earth gets what they want from you at the price of you ever getting what you want.

I don't know how this particular bug got into your programming, but you need to get it out of there or else you will keep being miserable. Read Emotional Blackmail, as already recommended. Read Facing Codependence, by Mellody, Miller, and Miller.

Stop putting your wants and needs and happiness last. Start speaking up for yourself. A therapist can help you do this.
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:48 PM on September 15 [5 favorites]

Wow.

my boyfriend approached me and touched me sexually

Correct me if I'm wrong, Asker, but this is what you meant by "groping," right? Unless I'm missing something, this is how pretty much all normal adult sex happens- one partner touches the other in a sexual way. I'm not buying that anyone who doesn't say "Oh dear? Fancy some intercourse tonight?" is committing sexual assault.

If you do feel like you are being assaulted, than that is unacceptable and I'm sorry. But I read the question as being about libido. So: Do you feel sexually attracted to *any* men? Like people you see on the street or tv?

If "yes," maybe it's your boyfriend. If "no," then I would recommend the doctor/therapist root suggested in some of the less hysterical answers above.
posted by drjimmy11 at 3:54 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

Sidhedevil, I realize I was unclear - I don't think the OP needs therapy (or medical attention) to figure out why she doesn't want to have sex, because that seems very clear from her posts. She may very well, however, need therapy to learn some communication strategies to deal with this situation.

I'm not 100% sure if you've actually talked to your partner about this, OP. If you haven't, you need to, and if you need help to figure out how, the help is there and you should seek it. If you have, however, we're looking at a very different kettle of fish.
posted by restless_nomad at 4:00 PM on September 15

That said, this:

Stop putting your wants and needs and happiness last. Start speaking up for yourself. A therapist can help you do this.

is very correct. It sounds like it's going to be painful for him to hear this, and that he will blame himself for "Failing" somehow... but you do need to assert yourself and let him know how you feel.
posted by drjimmy11 at 4:18 PM on September 15

If you're living with this guy and both of you want this to work out long-term, both of you need to work on this relationship. Maybe try to really sit him down and talk to him (and not when you're annoyed when he tries to touch you), and give him the cake analogy that misha made. Then ask for a period of time - X days, 2 weeks, or a month, of him to not pressure you to have sex. Ask for him to be the same good boyfriend he normally is (I hope, otherwise why work this out?), reassure him that you still like/love his as much, and ask him to not count the days and then say "OK, it's been X days, you said we can have sex now" but tell him he'll have to wait until you decide how you feel. Sure, it'll be hard for him to KNOW that he's not getting any for X days, but if he loves you and wants this to work out long-term, he'll have to deal and respect you. Besides, if you ever have kids with this guy how is he going to deal with the few months of no sex then?? You don't want his first experience with no sex in the relationship to be when you have an infant - you can't deal with a crying baby and a complaining gropey partner. But anyway, yea, it'll be hard for him, but if he loves you he would want you to figure out what is going on with you. And after X days, re-evaluate. Are you attracted to him? Are you horny? Is he able to be there for you when you don't 'reward' him with sex? Are you less protective of your body around him? I feel like that would make you relax and want to have sex again. Maybe try the therapy/doctor thing during those X days, but the important thing is to give you time without him trying to grope you and without him counting down the days out loud to you about the next time he can try to grope you, so you really see how YOU feel about sex with this guy without his groping affecting your stress level.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 4:21 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

He usually seems not to notice the grabbing is off-putting to me. It sometimes seems like he thinks if he does it enough, it'll work.
This.
He's figured out that if he persists long enough, eventually he'll get what he wants. And because you end up having sex with him to avoid hurting his feelings, he's absolutely correct. Why should he change his behaviors, if they're getting the desired results?
posted by spinturtle at 4:37 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

What sort of birth control are you using, if you aren't on the Pill?

Could you subconsciously be equating intercourse with the risk of pregnancy, which then kills some of your desire because that anxiety is lurking in your mind?
posted by vickyverky at 4:38 PM on September 15

I recommend reading "The Sex-Starved Marriage". The author is very sympathetic to both sides, low-libido and high; and does a good job explaining what is going on with each in regards to sexual desire and the relationship. She also has some good tips on how to get back in sync and/or figure out a mutually satisfying compromise.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:57 PM on September 15

Why are his feelings more important than yours?

I'm reposting what desjardins wrote because it is an excellent question, and I don't think you can solve this issue before you start giving equal weight to your own feelings. Your boyfriend is coming off poorly in this thread, but since he doesn't know that there's an issue, it's not entirely fair for us to assume he's an overly aggressive guy who consistently does not respect his partner's boundaries. He doesn't know what your boundaries actually are, and if he knew he was constantly crossing them, he would probably be appalled. Maybe not, maybe he's just a jerk, but there's no way to know that until you start being honest with him. Be true to your own feelings, communicate what's going on, and really take care of yourself. Either he will step up and be an awesome partner, or he will suck, and you might as well learn that as soon as possible. Once that's sorted out, my guess is your libido will recalibrate. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 5:30 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

You've felt the same way with three boyfriends so far, which I think has led you to the conclusion that it must be your libido that's the problem, since it couldn't be a coincidence that it's failed to rise to the occasion three times in a row.

Obviously, you're the constant here, but I think the real problem is that you keep choosing people who fail to respect your personal boundaries. It's not really a coincidence; people who don't respect personal boundaries tend to seek out people who don't stand up for themselves.

So I think the therapy advice is dead-on; not necessarily to fix your libido, but to figure out how to respect yourself and demand respect from your boyfriends.
posted by palliser at 5:32 PM on September 15 [2 favorites]

For what it's worth, I once spent about a year in a relationship with a person to whom I was not physically attracted. It really took the sex out of sex for me. By the end I thought I was just an asexual person and would never enjoy sex. My next boyfriend was really hot. It turns out I am a sexual person and enjoy sex. I just don't enjoy it with people I am not attracted to. Is there something your three boyfriends have in common that turns you off? You say, "I think he's very good looking," but does he turn you on? Did he ever? Did your first boyfriend?

I agree with those who say you should consider exploring these issues with a therapist (maybe a sex therapist?) so that you can figure out if there is a pattern.

Also, if you are an asexual person, a therapist can help you accept that about yourself and find ways to have healthy relationships in which that aspect of you is respected. You do not owe anyone sex. You do not have to have sex if you do not want to have sex. Stop having sex you do not want! If you're asexual, you're being unkind to yourself, and if you're sexual but for some reason this relationship is not working on the sexy level, you're potentially making it harder to get past whatever it is that is suppressing your libido.

You need to be honest with your boyfriend about this. You have a problem that is making you unhappy. Either he loves and respects you enough to help you deal with it, or he want sex more than he wants you to be happy. So either you get help and find a way to deal with these issues, or you find out that you need to break up with your boyfriend.
posted by prefpara at 5:37 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

Your story sounds familiar to me. When I was in a relationship where my sex drive was utterly gone--I didn't even masturbate--it was a relationship were little resentments built up over time because I would do anything to smooth over our fights and was never honest about my feelings. It got to the point where I was, like you, sneaking around to avoid sex. I know it sounds strange, but if you'd asked me at the time, I would have said, I love him, he's wonderful. On a daily basis, though, I hated him, and I hated the person I was around him. He made me feel needed and important, but he required an enormous amount of reassurance and support--at times I felt like his mother, god, that totally killed my attraction to him. Even though I could still support him and listen to him, having sex with him made me feel like I was being used in just one more way without ever seeing him reciprocate. The death of my libido had nothing to do with what was happening in the bedroom, and everything to do with what happened outside it. But I was totally complicit in the dynamic.

When that relationship ended, my sex drive went into overdrive. It was like my body experienced freedom even while I was still feeling heartbroken. You don't discuss your sex drive when you're not in a relationship, although you say you've almost always masturbated regularly. Does your libido recover when you're not in a relationship? Do you ever crave sex?

Does your boyfriend satisfy your needs aside from sexual needs? Being the "caretaker" in my relationship absolutely killed my sex drive, and I don't know if I'd been able to explain how I was feeling if that would have saved it, but I'm happier learning my lessons and moving on.
posted by gladly at 7:46 PM on September 15 [1 favorite]

it gives me no pleasure, because I don't feel like having an orgasm and don't want one.

This, to me, says get a counselor.

Also you don't know what he would think--ask. It sounds like there are some assumptions going on here. You must ask. You must say what you want. He must learn to do the same.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:51 PM on September 15

It does sound like you aren't actually attracted to these guys-- typically, if you love someone "that way" you can't wait to get your hands on them and constantly think about how great it would be and want to do it even when you aren't able because you are in public. So, maybe you just aren't that into him-- but think you "should" be? If so, the problem isn't your libido but that you need a guy you actually want. No one wants to have sex with someone that they really don't find hot...

Alternatively, are you motivated in other ways? Do other things give you the kind of pleasure you would like? Are things you used to enjoy less fun? Because if you are actually attracted to and into him and you don't want sex, you might be "anhedonic" which is an inability to feel pleasure and is a common symptom of depression. If you are dreading other things you used to like rather than anticipating them, get evaluated for depression because this could be the reason. Unfortunately anhedonia (at least in my experience) requires medications to really resolve, not just therapy-- but you can often find a dose or drug combo that does not diminish libido but does get rid of anhedonia, at least if you keep trying.

And yeah, the refrain of feeling invaded and having to fend off these guys suggests that there may be childhood issues that are getting in the way here too (some previous bad experience with guys? child abuse? overly invasive or neglectful parents? other childhood maltreatment/attachment stuff?)... if this applies, finding a good therapist will also be essential.
posted by Maias at 9:02 PM on September 15

It sounds like that you're an attractive girl, and your boyfriends are always attractive guys - guys who you're supposed to be with because you're so attractive and are so much more attractive togather.

You sound like you don't like the guys much in the bedroom; do you even like them outside of the bedroom?

That you're questioning your current situation suggests that you have at least half a brain. I'd suggest that you free yourself from "relationships" for a while and just do your own thing for a while. As in, you're not looking for a life/sex partner. Just hanging out and being you.

Sure, you can go back to doing what you've been doing, or you can be yourself and interact with the general populace. Who knows; maybe someone who'd be deemed by your girlfriends as "wtf, whytf are you talking to him" ends up being interesting. Extreme example. Or you can find someone who you actually like who ends up being someone you like.
posted by porpoise at 9:45 PM on September 15

If someone wanted to kill their sex drive, I'd tell them to do what you've been doing. Having sex when you don't want to, at times you dislike and whenever your partner decides, not you is like doing sexual aversion therapy. Just because you're with someone doesn't mean you're not allowed to say you don't feel like having sex right now or that you're not into morning sex. It's one thing to be considerate of your partner but being so passive is killing your chance of ever having an enjoyable sexual relationship with him.

Sometimes you are going to hurt or upset someone when your honest. That's okay because sometimes it's going to take that to work out a solution. Be considerate, try to see the other person's point of view but don't put another person's needs and wants ahead of your own all the time. It's only going to make you resent them and that's unkind to the both of you. I don't know if this relationship can be changed into one you're happy with but it won't have a chance if you don't try doing something different.

I think learning what assertiveness is and how to do it would be really helpful to you. It use to annoy me to hear people say things like "(s)he's so passive aggressive or why isn't he more assertive..." (it seemed pretentious) but once I understood the reasoning behind being assertive/passive/aggressive, it was very helpful in getting along better with people. Go to Amazon and type in "assertiveness" in the book section and scan the reviews to see what appeals to you. If you don't like books, go work with a therapist. Standing up for yourself and your needs in a polite/non-jerkish way is one of the most useful skills you can ever have in life. It's hard sometimes but so worth it!
posted by stray thoughts at 11:32 PM on September 15

IANAD, but...

Here's what I see as a biological red flag:

I usually even have an orgasm, eventually. But it gives me no pleasure, because I don't feel like having an orgasm and don't want one. I feel like the orgasm is something I wrung out of myself just to make the situation better.

If you're actually having an orgasm, and not enjoying it, that screams "Chemical Imbalance!" to me. If you really had a "low libido", orgasms would be difficult, if not impossible for you.

While you should first and foremost work on your relationship (as has been well-covered above), I think that there's a definite medical angle that you should pursue as well. It might be difficult to find the right specialist, though. This could wind up anywhere from Psychiatry to Urology to Gynecology to Endocrinology. So, definitely start with a good doctor that you really trust.
posted by Citrus at 8:56 AM on September 16

I had a friend whose menstrual cramps would occasionally cause orgasms. They weren't particularly pleasurable. I've also had orgasms myself (usually through masturbation) that were more a spasm than anything particularly earthshaking. Clears the pipes, so to speak, but not much more.

It's quite possible I'm broken too, but I think we're not looking at a zebra here.
posted by restless_nomad at 9:14 AM on September 16

This is such a sad post. Anonymousme, your body is trying to talk to you. It's trying to say "This is not healthy. I don't like being here. Please rescue me!" You feel trapped, like you need to be ever-vigilant. You're on 24 hour high-alert.

You must be exhausted!

It's very good that you were able to write this post and your follow-ups so clearly. You do seem to be aware of the effect all of this has been having on you. You described it very well. This is a very good first step! It's difficult to admit it to ourselves when things get this bad.

If you do talk to a therapist, this skill will help immensely. You may want to look into it anyways, or find some books about people-pleasers and how they can take care of themselves better.

So, your boyfriend will get hurt if you bring this all up. Consider: you are already hurt and will continue to be hurt every day if you do not talk about this with him and/or get out of the situation. By avoiding hurting him, you are volunteering to be the hurt one. And it is really hurting you! You are volunteering for abuse. Whether he is aware of it or not, this is an abusive situation. His desires cannot come at your expense! This price is too high.

Your emotions are valid. Your thoughts and feelings about sex and groping are valid. Your hurt is valid. You do not have to bend over backwards to please him as you seem to be trying to do, especially if it comes at your expense. It is not selfish to say "I really don't want to have sex right now." It IS selfish for him to throw a tantrum when you are honest with him. He should be compromising and accomodating you as well. Relationships are a two-way street. They only work if you can develop a space that is comfortable for both partners.

You've put so much effort and energy into taking care of him. Now it's time to take care of anonymousme. Part of this involves telling him what you've written to us. You can tell him you hate the idea of hurting him. But please tell him how terrible this all is for you. Give him a chance to work with you. And if he can't or won't, please take care of yourself.

You can do this.
posted by heatherann at 9:53 AM on September 16 [5 favorites]

I doubt this is a physical issue (but I'm not in the medical profession).

I've debated a lot about replying to this question since I read it - because I've been there before.

Concerning the groping debate: you referred to it as groping, and that's what matters. It's unwanted touching, period. And he really needs to know that it's unwanted.

Stop being so afraid to hurt his feelings. Honestly, I doubt that you are hurting his feelings. There's a difference between being bummed that he ain't gettin some (sex, touching, etc) and being truly hurt. His face may seem like his puppy died (and that's probably what he wants you to believe since you'll rescind) , but that's not what he truly feels. He'll get over it just fine.
ANYONE who even mildly respects you, let alone cares for you will NOT purposefully touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable nor demand sex of you if you don't want it. But he needs to know that you don't want it. If this guy is worth half the love and care you've given him, then he'll want to work with you.
But as Heatherann wrote, you need to take care of yourself. Stop putting anyone else's physical need for sex above your emotional need for affection. I don't know about you, but at the time I had this whole, "if I can just make this person happy, then I can be happy". And I was wrong. I needed to learn to make myself happy, take care of myself before I could come close to truly caring for someone else's needs.

It was a few years ago that I had this experience and it got so bad that for a while I wasn't even attracted to others anymore. In lieu of attraction, I'd just feel uncomfortable. I spent quite a while without letting any man touch me. And after that I needed to be roaring drunk to even make out with a guy.
I was really surprised with my current relationship. Had my boyfriend not been so in tuned with my needs, so respectful, and affectionate (willing to snuggle, cuddle, hold my hand, etc - all of which he enjoys it as much as I do!), we wouldn't have had sex so early in our relationship. And it was something I initiated! Actually, I initiate sex just as much as he does now (which is a lot) and I love it.....

My point is: there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can find that relationship. But first you need to take care of yourself. Maybe take a break from sex (he can masturbate, he'll live) and see how your relationship goes from there. Find out what's it like to live without having to avoid walking by him, without the stress of having to have sex if you don't want it.

Your love and care is precious. Don't throw it around as if it weren't. You deserve to be loved and care for just as much. Stop compromising and thinking your needs don't deserve precedence. Sure there's a lot of compromise in relationships, but why must your needs be the ones overlooked?

Good luck! You can do this!
posted by Neekee at 8:40 AM on September 18

I think you need to get out of this relationship and take care of yourself. If that's therapy...fine. If not..fine. It should not include entering into a new relationship where, at particularly your age, would include expectations of frequent sex.
posted by teg4rvn at 10:04 AM on September 18