Won't someone please think of the children?!?!?
August 13, 2009 8:42 AM Subscribe
How long should you wait before introducing your boyfriend/girlfriend to your child?
I realize that there are a lot of possible non-quantitative answers out there (ie when you are ready, when you know you will spend the rest of your life with that person, etc)...but what I am interested in is a number. How long? How long is a reasonable amount of time before you introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend to your child?
I would also like to know 2 other facts that might help me understand your answer....so in total....
1. How long to wait before introducing?
2. do you have any children?
3. Have you ever introduced them to a new bf/gf?
4. additional comments
I would like to be able to sort of tabulate the results....so...maybe your answer might look like this...
1. 6 months
2. yes
3. nope, still married to the mother/father
4. (fill this space with any other anecdotes, info, warnings, etc)
I realize that there are a lot of possible non-quantitative answers out there (ie when you are ready, when you know you will spend the rest of your life with that person, etc)...but what I am interested in is a number. How long? How long is a reasonable amount of time before you introduce a boyfriend/girlfriend to your child?
I would also like to know 2 other facts that might help me understand your answer....so in total....
1. How long to wait before introducing?
2. do you have any children?
3. Have you ever introduced them to a new bf/gf?
4. additional comments
I would like to be able to sort of tabulate the results....so...maybe your answer might look like this...
1. 6 months
2. yes
3. nope, still married to the mother/father
4. (fill this space with any other anecdotes, info, warnings, etc)
This post was deleted for the following reason: It's not really not that okay to use askme as a polling/quant-survey mechanism. -- cortex
Response by poster: tybeet, thanks for the answer....that is good info, but I am really looking for a quantitative answer, followed by any anecdotal info or opinions.
posted by ian1977 at 8:51 AM on August 13, 2009
posted by ian1977 at 8:51 AM on August 13, 2009
1. You can't actually quantify this.
2. No.
3. N/A
4. I just came here from an askmefi question about someone who has been dating a girl for 4 months and wants to marry her. Theoretically if he had a child, he should probably bring the child into the scenario like now. However, I've had some relationships that I wanted to keep pretty casual until I knew them better and 4 months would have been too soon. Everyone (every parent, every child, every boyfriend/girlfriend) is different, and all relationships are different. It's interesting that you're trying to quantify the answer to this question--are you doing a research study?
posted by Kimberly at 8:55 AM on August 13, 2009
2. No.
3. N/A
4. I just came here from an askmefi question about someone who has been dating a girl for 4 months and wants to marry her. Theoretically if he had a child, he should probably bring the child into the scenario like now. However, I've had some relationships that I wanted to keep pretty casual until I knew them better and 4 months would have been too soon. Everyone (every parent, every child, every boyfriend/girlfriend) is different, and all relationships are different. It's interesting that you're trying to quantify the answer to this question--are you doing a research study?
posted by Kimberly at 8:55 AM on August 13, 2009
How old is this child? Makes a big difference to me.
If under 4: doesn't matter. Never. It's just another Big Person of Indistinct Authority anyway.
If over 10: when the child wants to meet them, not before.
If in-between: as soon as you're reasonably sure the bf/gf will be around for more than a month or two.
It's also fine, I think, for that bf/gf to be "my friend", as long as the relationship isn't so far along that they're stumbling around your house naked at 3am.
Once they have a toothbrush, you need to be more clear with your child.
posted by rokusan at 8:58 AM on August 13, 2009
If under 4: doesn't matter. Never. It's just another Big Person of Indistinct Authority anyway.
If over 10: when the child wants to meet them, not before.
If in-between: as soon as you're reasonably sure the bf/gf will be around for more than a month or two.
It's also fine, I think, for that bf/gf to be "my friend", as long as the relationship isn't so far along that they're stumbling around your house naked at 3am.
Once they have a toothbrush, you need to be more clear with your child.
posted by rokusan at 8:58 AM on August 13, 2009
I think it is important to know how old the children are. I met my now stepchildren almost immediately. They were one. My answers would vary greatly on the childs age.
posted by beccaj at 9:01 AM on August 13, 2009
posted by beccaj at 9:01 AM on August 13, 2009
Your questions don't fit well with my experience (as the child-free girlfriend who eventually got introduced to the kids, in two different relationships). I was first introduced as a "friend," like any other friend of their dad's. Eventually he told the kids that I was a special friend, and that they might be seeing more of me. And after a few months, we decided I could sleep over. At that point the kids were comfortable with me, so it became a fun way to do night-time tuck-ins and then have breakfast together the next day.
You have a lot of heavy responsibility to explain the whole dating thing to your kids, and what it might mean for them. If you break up with someone they really liked, it's going to be very difficult for them. They will ask you why you two broke up. And you will inevitably end up having to explain to them elements of adult romantic relationships that they wouldn't be learning for years otherwise. Not intimate stuff like, "well, we weren't sexually compatible," of course, but things like "sometimes people feel like they really love each other, but then they get to know each other more, and discover they aren't quite right for each other." (If I said something like that, I'd follow up with "I will NEVER stop loving you, though.") I am lucky (if lucky's the word) to have not had to have that conversation, since I wasn't the parent.
For your data:
1. 1 month (as a casual friend, though; see above)
2. No
3. N/A
4. see above
posted by chowflap at 9:07 AM on August 13, 2009
You have a lot of heavy responsibility to explain the whole dating thing to your kids, and what it might mean for them. If you break up with someone they really liked, it's going to be very difficult for them. They will ask you why you two broke up. And you will inevitably end up having to explain to them elements of adult romantic relationships that they wouldn't be learning for years otherwise. Not intimate stuff like, "well, we weren't sexually compatible," of course, but things like "sometimes people feel like they really love each other, but then they get to know each other more, and discover they aren't quite right for each other." (If I said something like that, I'd follow up with "I will NEVER stop loving you, though.") I am lucky (if lucky's the word) to have not had to have that conversation, since I wasn't the parent.
For your data:
1. 1 month (as a casual friend, though; see above)
2. No
3. N/A
4. see above
posted by chowflap at 9:07 AM on August 13, 2009
1. At least a year.
2. I don't have any children, but I've been that child. First one introduced at the age of 8 and the other I guess I was 19.
3. The first time I can't remember the exact length of time, but it was very quickly after my parents divorce (a couple of weeks I think it may have been over a month though) don't actually know how long they had been dating. The other one I guess was 6 or 8 months.
4. I had very bad experiences with the people my parents dated, so I may not be the best data point, but I think if single parents date they should keep that separate from their child's life. Also the year mark assumes that there is no way you would be considering marriage after dating only a year if you already had children. If you would consider marriage so early then probably after 6 months because I think the kids should get some input if they are under 18 and would have to live or regularly be around this person.
posted by whoaali at 9:11 AM on August 13, 2009
2. I don't have any children, but I've been that child. First one introduced at the age of 8 and the other I guess I was 19.
3. The first time I can't remember the exact length of time, but it was very quickly after my parents divorce (a couple of weeks I think it may have been over a month though) don't actually know how long they had been dating. The other one I guess was 6 or 8 months.
4. I had very bad experiences with the people my parents dated, so I may not be the best data point, but I think if single parents date they should keep that separate from their child's life. Also the year mark assumes that there is no way you would be considering marriage after dating only a year if you already had children. If you would consider marriage so early then probably after 6 months because I think the kids should get some input if they are under 18 and would have to live or regularly be around this person.
posted by whoaali at 9:11 AM on August 13, 2009
Are you introducing the SO with the intent to have them have an active role in the child's life, or just so the children know?
How old are the children? On a related note, how mature are the children?
How long do you see yourself staying with the SO? This not only should help in deciding when to introduce, but also in how you introduce the person.
Do the children know you're dating? If not you can probably wait longer. If they know you're dating, there's a chance they'll want to know who you're out with.
Really, there isn't some magic formula that can tell you when to introduce a person into a child's life.
posted by theichibun at 9:11 AM on August 13, 2009
How old are the children? On a related note, how mature are the children?
How long do you see yourself staying with the SO? This not only should help in deciding when to introduce, but also in how you introduce the person.
Do the children know you're dating? If not you can probably wait longer. If they know you're dating, there's a chance they'll want to know who you're out with.
Really, there isn't some magic formula that can tell you when to introduce a person into a child's life.
posted by theichibun at 9:11 AM on August 13, 2009
Oh and by the way the whole "just introducing them as a friend" thing, doesn't really work in my experience. Kids aren't stupid. And also when you change the story to gf or "special friend" your kids will know you lied to them.
posted by whoaali at 9:16 AM on August 13, 2009
posted by whoaali at 9:16 AM on August 13, 2009
In one case, the kid was four, so no, she didn't get that I wasn't a regular friend until she was told otherwise. We weren't acting like hormonal teenagers in front of her. In the second case, the kids were 9 and 11, their dad had divorced their mom when they were very young, and they were used to seeing their parents dating. They were also very cool, laid-back kids, with a very outgoing, social dad, who were used to having unrelated grownups hanging around.
The point here is that you need to take the cues from your kid, and not what you might want. My personal anecdotes mean little.
posted by chowflap at 9:26 AM on August 13, 2009
The point here is that you need to take the cues from your kid, and not what you might want. My personal anecdotes mean little.
posted by chowflap at 9:26 AM on August 13, 2009
1. How long to wait before introducing?
I agree with rokusan that it depends primarily on the age of the child, but I'd add that if the child is over 15, they can handle meeting the new significant other as soon as it becomes official, and putting it off for fear of making the child uncomfortable will actually make it weirder.
2. do you have any children?
No, but my parents divorced when I was a young teen.
3. Have you ever introduced them to a new bf/gf?
N/A, but I met and spent time with the men my mother seriously dated and didn't have a problem with it. My father was and still is weird about introducing me to his girlfriends, and it's still uncomfortable.
posted by oinopaponton at 9:28 AM on August 13, 2009
I agree with rokusan that it depends primarily on the age of the child, but I'd add that if the child is over 15, they can handle meeting the new significant other as soon as it becomes official, and putting it off for fear of making the child uncomfortable will actually make it weirder.
2. do you have any children?
No, but my parents divorced when I was a young teen.
3. Have you ever introduced them to a new bf/gf?
N/A, but I met and spent time with the men my mother seriously dated and didn't have a problem with it. My father was and still is weird about introducing me to his girlfriends, and it's still uncomfortable.
posted by oinopaponton at 9:28 AM on August 13, 2009
1. When you are ready to make a lifetime commitment. You can't put a number on this.
2/3. No, but I have been that child. Repeatedly. A child whose parents are not together already has way more than enough impermanence in his or her life. You have a moral obligation to do whatever you can to make sure you don't add to that, regardless of the inconvenience to you.
4. My conclusions are based not only on my own experience, but also that of witnessing my friends make the mistake of introducing or being introduced too soon. In fact, this is going on with some friends right now--the guy decided, after many months, that he wasn't ready to commit, and now his child his heartbroken because the girlfriend is no longer around. Don't be this guy.
posted by HotToddy at 9:44 AM on August 13, 2009
2/3. No, but I have been that child. Repeatedly. A child whose parents are not together already has way more than enough impermanence in his or her life. You have a moral obligation to do whatever you can to make sure you don't add to that, regardless of the inconvenience to you.
4. My conclusions are based not only on my own experience, but also that of witnessing my friends make the mistake of introducing or being introduced too soon. In fact, this is going on with some friends right now--the guy decided, after many months, that he wasn't ready to commit, and now his child his heartbroken because the girlfriend is no longer around. Don't be this guy.
posted by HotToddy at 9:44 AM on August 13, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
Why do I say this? Well, a child is vulnerable, and big changes can be daunting and frustrating to them especially if people enter and leave their lives too often or too quickly. You don't want to, for example, introduce every bf/gf you meet one week into it, and then have to explain to the child another week down the line they will never see this person again. If the child and the bf/gf hit it off at all, then it would be like inducing mild separation anxiety over and over again.
posted by tybeet at 8:49 AM on August 13, 2009