How to help a very depressed friend?

July 21, 2009 10:42 AM

How to help a very depressed friend?

I have a good friend who's become very obviously depressed over the past couple of years, while occasionally dropping hints about it. He's a very private person, and has trained himself very well to keep up appearances, so even a hint from him is a serious statement. Today at lunch, I told him that he seemed lost, and he basically admitted that he's depressed, and that it's related to feeling too old--he mentioned something about not being able to date girls in their mid-twenties any more (he's 35), and I asked him if that's what makes him feel lost or depressed, and he said yeah, that's part of it, or maybe all of it.

He's mid-thirties, he's very good looking, fit, tall; he's traveled the world, he reads book, he watches movies, he's getting his MBA... so he's got a lot going for him. He's dated attractive under-30 girls as recently as a couple years ago, so I think his feelings about being undatable or whatever are pretty unrealistic. I mean, it's obviously depression talking.

My dilemma is that, although we know and trust each other very well, we don't have a very emotionally open friendship, and so I'm not sure how to help him without violating some unspoken boundaries or making him uncomfortable. So, for most people, this might be similar to a softball buddy type relationship.

I know this is a fairly common question, but hope that the details might elicit more specific answers. Thanks for your thoughts.

posted by mpls2 to human relations (12 comments total)

Sounds like he just doesn't want to grow up. It really doesn't sound like you can do much to fix that.


And what's wrong with dating women his own age?
posted by oinopaponton at 10:50 AM on July 21, 2009 [5 favorites]

My first reaction was going to tell you to encourage him to seeking some sort of professional help, but if you think that violates the unspoken emotional boundaries you mentioned, then the next best thing you can do is be emotionally supportive in whatever way doesn't violate those boundaries. For example, If he brings up therapy, nod and let him know you think it's a responsible and wise decision (it sucks to admit, but a lot of people still don't go to therapy because of the stigma attached. A lot of people want to be told it's a "normal" thing to do before they go). Or you could be really passive about it, "yeah, that's rough. It seems like a lot of people feel that way -I had a friend go through something similar and a counselor really helped him..."

Also, please, whatever you do, don't say "You have so much going for you, what do you have to feel depressed about?" (I'm not saying that you are doing that, i'm just cautioning you against it in the future). All this does is belittle the person suffering from depression and make them feel worse about the fact that they are feeling down.
posted by nuclear_soup at 10:56 AM on July 21, 2009

For example, If he brings up therapy, nod and let him know you think it's a responsible and wise decision (it sucks to admit, but a lot of people still don't go to therapy because of the stigma attached. A lot of people want to be told it's a "normal" thing to do before they go).

In fact, some of the hints he's dropped are semi-sarcastic comments about going to see a "shrink", and so far I've just sort of nodded, told him I'm concerned about him (in a very casual way--nothing deep and intimate), and that he should get it taken care of.

I like the idea of mentioning that therapy worked for a friend.
posted by mpls2 at 11:00 AM on July 21, 2009

Sounds like he just doesn't want to grow up. It really doesn't sound like you can do much to fix that.


And what's wrong with dating women his own age?

I think the "problem" is that he wants to date women under 35. That's his perogative.

Having said that, it sounds very much like clinical depression, not a "not wanting to grow up." Clinical depression needs professional help. I'd start by recommending "Feeling Good" by Dr. David Burns. Tell him to do all of the charts and not just read it. He should also seek a talk therapist to get the ball rolling on feeling better.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:07 AM on July 21, 2009 [1 favorite]

[few comments removed - if you don't like this guy, feel free to skip the question]
posted by jessamyn at 11:39 AM on July 21, 2009

I would second the opinion that if he's simply upset about not being able to date twenty-somethings, well, that's something he'll have to get over. Was he depressed when he turned 18 and could no longer date teenagers?

However, it sounds like it probably runs much deeper, and the comment connecting his sadness to his dating scene may have just been a front or a way to drop the subject quickly. You have to keep in mind that, even though you care about this person and don't want to see them so sad, its not your job to ensure that everyone around you is happy - you'll make yourself depressed that way. And often a friend who 'diagnoses' depression in someone can actually make it worse because now the depressed friend knows its showing, or because they didn't think they were really depressed until they were told they were (the thing becomes the thing by it being named the thing...c.f. Wittgenstein), or because now he's depressed about being depressed, et al.

All of that said, however, it really depends on how close you are and what your relationship dynamics are. Therapy and medication saved my life, but only after I brought myself to the brink. If a friend had stepped in early for me, it may not have gotten so god-awful.
posted by Lutoslawski at 11:52 AM on July 21, 2009

You obviously think highly of this guy, so make sure he knows that people DO think highly of him and are concerned about him. I had a friend who was in a similar situation last year. I couldn't force him to go to therapy and I couldn't make women go out with him. All I could do was be a good friend, let him know he's a great person capable of great things, and lend an ear.

You can always bring up the therapy angle in casual conversation. It doesn't have to be a confrontational thing.

You: Hey, dude, did you ever go see that therapist afterward?

Him: Um, no...

You: Oh well, you might want to look into that - no shame in trying! So anyway, what are you doing this weekend?...
posted by futureisunwritten at 11:55 AM on July 21, 2009

I am more than a couple years older than him and I have dated women under 30 in the recent past.

Also, as someone prone to depression, I have realized that other people are usually more reticent to have emotional connections with me than vice versa, and I'm pretty sure that not having any emotional connections to other people can be a strong component of depression. I know it's counter-intuitive, but try crossing the line and see how he reacts.

Sure, lost youth can be saddening, but it may also just be that it's a sign that he's not where he wants to be at this age, that things are turning out differently than he expected. These are all great reasons to be depressed. There is no single "adulthood" that we choose or not choose to acquire, it is a constellation of transformations and to say someone just needs to "grow up" is simplistic, patronizing, and unrealistic, and a sure way to mark yourself as clueless.

I will also offer this piece of advice to you: don't succumb to the temptation to "out-depress" him by telling (or inventing) horrible stories about yourself, that one priest, the knife, your Summer Of Ramen, or whatever. Those are patronizing as well and devalue the person's feelings by saying "it could be worse, so don't worry about it." You might as well just start singing "Don't Worry, Be Happy" and save everybody the effort.
posted by rhizome at 11:55 AM on July 21, 2009

Be there for him and gradually, persistently encourage him to seek professional help. I've been there and it can be frustrating, but I've also stuck around long enough to see the guy actually go to one more therapist (quality and perhaps chemistry varies so much between therapists) and to agree to try just one more antidepressant, and it totally worked and it's a beautiful thing. He's a new man now. I'm so glad I persisted.

It's important not to become a nag or make him not want to talk to you because you'll pressure him. Just keep suggesting it as gently as possible but let him know that your friendship is not contingent on doing it and that you're not just trying to pawn him off on a professional. It's a very fine line, but it can be done.
posted by callmejay at 12:01 PM on July 21, 2009

To badly paraphrase "Moonstruck:" Why do some men chase women they shouldn't have? Because, on some level, they're afraid of death.

Not to be Captain Obvious here, I think it's the fact that he's approaching middle age, and it's hard to ignore that fact when you suddenly can't get the same kinds of women you did when you were 25. If he was an athlete in college and hadn't been training lately, and then tried to run a marathon, he'd probably be depressed right now for the same reason: being unable to do what he used to be able to do when he was younger. It's a slap in the face, a reminder of his own mortality, and he probably has a lot of regrets or feelings of inadequacy that run much deeper than his dating life insecurities. IMHO those are what are really causing his depression, the young women thing is just the symptom floating on top of all the other, harder-to-talk about, feelings of oncoming obsolescence. Maybe it's true depression, or maybe he just needs to do something proactive to make him feel better about the life he's living right-now, opposed to the life he was living as a younger man.
posted by np312 at 12:45 PM on July 21, 2009

His problem with women is most certainly not his age but his attitude. I'd be surprised if women of any age would date him at this point. He needs to learn to value himself and other people as perfect just the way they are, then the women of the world will beat a path to his door. As long as he is feeling sorry for himself, not so much.
posted by Antidisestablishmentarianist at 1:12 PM on July 21, 2009

I'm going to take the contrarian view, based on... well, let's just say it hits a nerve. Any chance you heard the literal thing, but missed the real thing?

Enough women get married in their mid-late twenties that there's a common stereotype about women past that age never getting married... so if he's feeling too old to date anyone that young, maybe the reason he's depressed is because he wanted to get married and have a family? And now he thinks it's too late for him, so he never will?

If it's not that, lots of good stuff above... but if it is, then he's "failed" in life (in his mind). The depression isn't because he's an immature twit who can't pull hotties anymore, it's because he believes "all the good ones are taken", and now there's nothing left for him but a long, lonely life. You'd have your hands full convincing him otherwise, so I'll hope I'm wrong.
posted by Pufferish at 2:43 PM on July 21, 2009