He won't marry her, right?
June 28, 2009 12:47 PM Subscribe
Help me give good advice in a particularly complex romantic situation.
My younger cousin (with traditional conservative Indian parents) met a guy while she was in college and fell in love with him. They moved in together a few years after her college. He's white. He's the only boyfriend she's ever had. He's a very nice guy. I've met him, he seemed really wonderful, and he has made her very happy. (This has been our secret from her parents.)
There is now a problem. She confided in me that she asked him to get engaged to her earlier this year and he's been very hesitant. He said he would buy her a ring for an engagement, never did, then said he didn't want to marry her and didn't see them together, then later said he wanted to marry her. Of course, he doesn't propose with a ring and all that. She wants to get married to him still, but suspects that he doesn't since he hasn't proposed properly (even though he said he would months ago) and she should leave. He's in his mid-thirties and older than her (she's in her late twenties).
I don't know what to tell her. Is it possible that her boyfriend of ten years is not serious about getting married, even though he says he wants to (I have limited experience in this sort of thing myself)? Should I advise her to leave him? Does saying you don't want to marry someone generally carry more weight than insisting later that you do? (I'm sometimes thinking that he does want to marry her, but then I'm thinking that his having said he doesn't a few times means he doesn't and even if they got married, it's evidence that it would be a disaster down the road. Also, he's in his mid-thirties. He would know by now, right?)
My younger cousin (with traditional conservative Indian parents) met a guy while she was in college and fell in love with him. They moved in together a few years after her college. He's white. He's the only boyfriend she's ever had. He's a very nice guy. I've met him, he seemed really wonderful, and he has made her very happy. (This has been our secret from her parents.)
There is now a problem. She confided in me that she asked him to get engaged to her earlier this year and he's been very hesitant. He said he would buy her a ring for an engagement, never did, then said he didn't want to marry her and didn't see them together, then later said he wanted to marry her. Of course, he doesn't propose with a ring and all that. She wants to get married to him still, but suspects that he doesn't since he hasn't proposed properly (even though he said he would months ago) and she should leave. He's in his mid-thirties and older than her (she's in her late twenties).
I don't know what to tell her. Is it possible that her boyfriend of ten years is not serious about getting married, even though he says he wants to (I have limited experience in this sort of thing myself)? Should I advise her to leave him? Does saying you don't want to marry someone generally carry more weight than insisting later that you do? (I'm sometimes thinking that he does want to marry her, but then I'm thinking that his having said he doesn't a few times means he doesn't and even if they got married, it's evidence that it would be a disaster down the road. Also, he's in his mid-thirties. He would know by now, right?)
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
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Yes, it is possible.
Should I advise her to leave him?
If you have to ask for advice about what you should be advising someone, I don't think you have any business advising them.
Does saying you don't want to marry someone generally carry more weight than insisting later that you do?
I don't think it is possible to generalize about that.
posted by jayder at 12:55 PM on June 28, 2009