Can someone please reason with me? Give me some kind of perspective on how to care without caring so much that it ruins me?

June 4, 2009 8:25 AM

Can someone please reason with me? Give me some kind of perspective on how to care without caring so much that it ruins me?

Background: Been together almost a year, early 20's.

At the beginning of this relationship, things were so easy for me. I thought to myself that finally I knew how to have a healthy relationship! Everything wasn't painful, I wasn't jealous, I wasn't needy, I felt secure.

And then I started to care. And then I started to worry. And now I'm a wreck.

And so, for some reason, I bring up the subject of breaking up fairly often with my boyfriend. I torture myself with questions of how long it would be until he would see someone else, sleep with someone else, how it would make him feel. But he and I are very different people. He is uncomplicated, reasonable, rational. Very even in his emotions. I, on the other hand, am, to put it kindly, passionate, and at the same time, incredibly vulnerable.

To illustrate, at the end of my last relationship, I, uh, didn't take it so well. I was absolutely devastated and became a sobbing wreck for almost a year. I threw myself into my work, discovered that being sleep deprived allowed me to feel less, and watched as my health steadily declined. My ex moved on in a month. It took me about 3 years to recover from the whole thing, and up until I got into this relationship, I felt that I was making progress, though I see now that it was simply because I was single.

So I think it makes sense for me to be concerned. What I find particularly interesting is that I feel like this relationship is simply a continuation of the last. Same emotions, similar circumstances. It's all kind of coincidental in an eerie way. That's not to say he's like my ex. But I never thought my ex would hurt me the way he did. But he did. And I'm having a really hard time trusting my current guy, especially when he says things like "Well, eventually I'd move on. And I'd expect you to do the same." Well, obviously. But why does it hurt so much? I think a big part of the problem is that I haven't actually moved on from my last relationship, and feel absolutely crushed when I think of the person I love so much being over me. But what do I want? For them to forever pine after me? Maybe. As that's what I feel I'm still doing. Pining for my ex in the form of my boyfriend. Which doesn't make sense, because I don't love my ex.

I feel like the only way to gain control over this situation is to go back to how it was at the beginning. If I don't care, what do I care if he leaves me? On an intellectual level, I just can't understand why, if someone really loved another person, they would just be able to move on, just like that. It's not that I think my boyfriend would move on right away, he wouldn't. And he would be hurt, because we both love each other so much and have been each other's firsts in so many ways, and because we've both discussed a future together. But he wouldn't be destroyed. He wouldn't feel like his entire life has fallen apart. I know I will. It's scary to think that he is really the only thing in my life that makes me happy. And it's not fair to him, or to me, or this relationship.

Thank you.

posted by 2X2LcallingCQ to human relations (23 comments total)

Therapy. Now.
posted by Loto at 8:32 AM on June 4

Seconded.

Really, you're stuck in a very, very unhealthy cycle, and it will probably take an objective outsider to help you get out of it. I know there are a lot of self-help books that might be useful, and I trust that they will be duly recommended, but I definitely think you need to talk this through with someone who knows what they're doing.
posted by restless_nomad at 8:37 AM on June 4

How do you feel about yourself? Do you like who you are?
posted by bigmusic at 8:39 AM on June 4

Therapy, thirded. This really isn't about this relationship, it's about something bigger in your life, and you need some help sorting it out.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 8:49 AM on June 4 [1 favorite]

I was sort of like you in my early 20s, and I can tell you from experience that if you don't pull yourself together, you're going to freak him out and end up moved on from.

Do you have anything going for yourself -- job, education, volunteering, hobbies, that sort of thing? If not, I suggest you try to carve out some meaningful parts of your life that do not revolve around your boyfriend. A relationship should be a nice addition to your life, not the only thing that constitutes your life.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 8:54 AM on June 4 [3 favorites]

My partner and I have been together 16 years. When we got together, I was 27 and he was 26. About 18 months in, we started having issues. But what we noticed was that they were the same issues we'd each been having with other lovers during our 20s--those stings of 2-year relationships we'd both been through. "We can break up," we said to each other, "and in 18 months we'll both be right back in this same place with someone else--or we can make our stand here, figure this stuff out and get on with our lives."

We went into couples' therapy with a very good therapist who helped us not only deal with couple issues but helped me identify and treat an anxiety disorder that had been driving a lot of my relationship (and other) problems. It was a rough, rough year or so, during which we set aside time to do things we enjoyed together as well as work, so that we would remember that we liked each other.

At our five-year anniversary, we joked that we were celebrating "5 years together, 3 of them happy." But things only got better once we were past that rough year or so of doing the hard work, and it has served us really well since. It was like we had the honeymoon period, and then the "OMG the honeymoon is over and all our shit is backing up out of the sewer again," and then, past that, we had the tools and foundation to enjoy a really good relationship for, so far, a long long time.

So, therapy. It really helped us. And optimism. We reminded ourselves that if we were in the relationship for the long haul, a bad year or two amounted to very little in the grand scheme of things. That has been true.

Also: in my experience, once I started therapy for my anxiety, things got worse before they got better. First, I started recognizing how fucked up some things I had thought were normal really were; also, it was like I lost the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that had kept me lurching along more-or-less OK and it was awhile before I learned the healthy, functional coping mechanisms I needed. So don't panic if things feel like they're really falling apart on your for awhile.

I don't know whether this relationship you're in is going to be "the one." But you will benefit from doing the work in any case--you'll be ready when a good one comes along, if this one isn't it.

Get to work. Best of luck. You're getting started earlier than I did and that means even more good, happy years ahead of you.
posted by not that girl at 9:08 AM on June 4 [11 favorites]

You can't not care - of course you'd care if any of things were to happen. But they're not particularly likely to happen; at least, it doesn't sound like you have a reason to think they are. You're going to create more of whatever you're focusing on, so try to focus on what you want (and, apparently, have!), instead of on what-if. Definitely don't penalize your BF for what someone else did (which you're sort of doing by holding back from him in fear of whatever the last one did that hurt you. This is a different guy, a different relationship, and you're not the same person you were in the previous relationship. Live and enjoy this relationship for what it is today, not for what another one was.
That said, if you really aren't over the previous relationship, resolving that may well need to be your job #1 for the immediate future. Therapy may offer you some useful perspective and tools for doing that. Having support from an understanding and supportive BF (and it sounds like you have one) will be a big help going through it, but this is really your job, one you need to do yourself. Dig in, and I hope you smooth this out for yourself really soon.
posted by TruncatedTiller at 9:08 AM on June 4

It sounds to me like you're self-sabotaging, which is a (weird, not very healthy, and pretty common, IME) way of protecting yourself. Some part of you is going "Well, this ship is going to sink at some point, so I might as well pull the plug - then at least I have control!" Make sense? Of course not. But emotions are weird things.

Or maybe I'm projecting, having done a fair amount of this in my early 20s. Somehow, somewhere, I decided that I didn't deserve a happy relationship, or much happiness at all. If I was happy, that meant the other shoe was going to drop, so I might as well drop it myself.

You know what helped? Therapy.
posted by rtha at 9:17 AM on June 4 [3 favorites]

I think you're making your boyfriend your one and all, your everything. While this can be a romantic thought for some couples, chances are they don't take it as far as you have. Remember, no one person can provide 100% of your happiness. They can't even provide 60%, and if you're relying on him for that amount, you're going to have problems. He is not your entire world. Repeat this, over and over and over.

He's not going to move on "just like that" if you break up with him. He will move on just like that if you drive him out of the relationship. This isn't to say that you should be blaming yourself for the panic you feel, but do take control of it soon. He loves you. If something pulls you apart right now, he will definitely be devastated. When people only need a short amount of time to snap out of a previous relationship, it more often than not means they weren't really interested towards the end. Their minds have been moving on for longer than that. Not a universal explanation by far, but one I've found true often enough to feel confident saying it.

Now. If you don't care, yes it won't hurt. But why be in a relationship you don't care that much about, right? I've been in a similar sailing vessel - my boyfriend and I are both people who sometimes need a lot of reassurance and we're a bit panic-prone (but long-distance does that), so sometimes caring so much about someone makes it really, really hurt. And yet when we solve whatever problems we have, when we address issues together and move forward as a couple, it's the most fantastic feeling in the world. I would never want to feel less about us, and no amount of irrational worrying would convince me to stop caring to the degree that I do.

It seems to me that you're just putting him in a place in your head, where he is the entire reason you breathe and eat and function on a cellular level. You should both grow not only as a couple, but individually. Be happy with yourself when you are single as well as taken. Recognize awesome qualities you have, put talents to use, learn new skills. There's a great story by Silverstein about The Big O And The Missing Piece - you can find it online, as I did. It's very inspirational in situations like this.

And therapy can be scary and intimidating and Way Too Serious, but don't rule it out entirely.
posted by Bakuun at 9:21 AM on June 4 [3 favorites]

What Rtha said. You're bringing it up to see if you can find warning signs or cracks in the relationship now. You're testing his reaction to the idea of breaking up to see if he says or does anything that implies he's considering it.

But what you're really doing is telling him that eventually you will definitely break up instead of allowing either of you to enjoy the present. If you continually say negative things, eventually, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You are steeling yourself for the worst instead of reveling in what you have, now. This is because of your last relationship. THIS relationship is NOT that relationship; stop expecting it to be, and seriously, therapy would help you.

If he is the only thing that makes you happy, you are textbook codependent. Happiness is not something that can be given by another person's approval; you must be happy with who you are as an individual without seeking constant reassurance from external sources. That is the real problem, not the relationship or the boyfriend or even your last breakup. THAT is what you need therapy for; in the meantime, stop projecting negative, what-if situations onto your boyfriend because it's poisoning your chance of a future together.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:08 AM on June 4

You should stop asking him that. It has to make him uncomfortable that you ask it so much. You should see a therapist to discuss your fears.
posted by ishotjr at 11:41 AM on June 4

n-thing the therapy, but also n-thing the "you are WAY TOO CLOSE TO THIS WHOLE THING" advice others gave upthread.

It seems pretty obvious to me that you don't have much going on outside of this relationship, either for yourself or for others. You are taking a lot of time in minutely dissecting every possible angle and scenario that could play out between you.

Instead of just being in the relationship itself.

I'd strongly recommend you get out of your head with doing some sort of volunteer effort, for you I'd suggest doing something with animals at a shelter. Something unconditional, immediately effective, and beyond the murk of regular human emotions.

You need to get outside of yourself and obtain a more objective reality. There's something you're paying yourself off with subtly by all this circular thinking, and that is where you need to start in therapy.

This sounds very harsh on such limited knowledge of your situation, but it seems like you are getting something deeper out of the constant analyzation of What May Happen then anything that's Actually Happening in this relationship.

Get into therapy, and contact your nearest chapter of the SPCA - do some work with animals and find your center again. It's a bigger world out there, and you need to be in it doing bigger things than you are now.
posted by Lipstick Thespian at 1:16 PM on June 4

up until I got into this relationship, I felt that I was making progress, though I see now that it was simply because I was single.


Maybe it's time for you to be single for a while longer so you can make more progress. I also suggest therapy.
posted by kathrineg at 3:37 PM on June 4

Get this book ASAP. A lot of libraries have it. Read the first chapter. I think you'll recognize yourself. From there you can start figuring out how to have a stronger sense of self so you don't feel so very, very vulnerable to whatever happens in your relationships. You aren't that fragile, though it feels like it.

Also, therapy is exactly right. It'll be a big help.
posted by Miko at 6:43 PM on June 4

Oops, I screwed up the link. Here it is again: Codependent No More/Beyond Codependency by Melodie Beattie. These books were crazy popular about 15 years ago, then it became somewhat unfashionable to read them, but the useful concepts and direct talk haven't changed.
posted by Miko at 8:19 PM on June 4

Apparently I STILL screwed it up. Bedtime! One last try.
posted by Miko at 8:20 PM on June 4

If he is the only thing that makes you happy, you are textbook codependent.

AARGH, no, that's not codependency at all, and this misuse of the word drives me nuts. You could argue that it's maybe plain old dependency, but it certainly isn't codependency or anything like it. Codependency is when you have someone with an addiction and another person who enables that addiction. You can't be codependent by yourself--both parties are unhealthy in this sort of relationship. In general, the codependent is understood to be a person who perpetuates the alcohol or drug dependence of someone close to them in a way that hampers recovery.[1] This can be done through direct control over the dependent, by making excuses for their dysfunctional behavior or relieving them of the consequences of the dependence. In an act called enabling, this can have negative social and health consequences for both parties.
posted by Violet Hour at 3:03 AM on June 5

Codependency is when you have someone with an addiction and another person who enables that addiction.

No, that's a much more narrow definition than is really in practice. The significant concept is mutual dependence, or the attempt of one person in a relationship to create a relationship of mutual dependence, by making their affection conditional, controlling the other person's choices and behavior, etc. It's not necessary for an addiction to be present.
posted by Miko at 7:30 AM on June 5

Interestingly, it looks that like that reference Violet Hour is quoting above has already been edited from that Wikipedia page. I went to look up the footnote and can't find it now. You can indeed have a "codependent personality" by yourself, even if you're not in a codependent relationship.
posted by Miko at 7:35 AM on June 5

Read Feeling Good. It deals with the kinds of thoughts and reactions you are having. If money's an issue, it's probably available at a library (if you're in an English speaking country).

Therapy is a really, really good idea.
posted by zennie at 8:23 AM on June 5

This is not so much caring, as obsession, hence the recommendation for therapy. Of course you care if you break up, but it's become your central focus. If you have a mild case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, there is medication that can help a great deal.
posted by theora55 at 8:50 AM on June 5 [1 favorite]

Here is the fact sheet on codependency from Mental Health America, if you guys want to get super-technical.

Your citation, Violet Hour, is re-quoted on that page, and has been amended to say:

"Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend, or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence. Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today, however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person from any dysfunctional family."

And further down, another paragraph:

Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to “be themselves.”

I've been codependent and seen it in my family, and addiction was not always a factor. Two people being unable to function without each other (even if it's one person who feels that way, and the other person tolerating it) IS codependency. But please, don't take my word for it... there is a lot of information out there about this subject.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:32 AM on June 5

It's all kind of coincidental in an eerie way.

It isn't coincidental at all. It's no more coincidental than me dating busty women and eventually marrying a busty woman or that fact that I always order the same thing off the menu at my favorite restaurant without thinking about it. Healthy or unhealthy a personality trait is a personality trait. Your job is to go find someone to help you get rid of your neurotic ones before they wreck your life.
posted by JFitzpatrick at 12:12 PM on June 5 [3 favorites]