SubscribeI am the OP - asked anonymously because I didn't want the post on my posting history prior to having an opportunity to talk to my husband about it, and as he is a MeFi member as well don't want to "out" him on the situation. I am amused that people initially assumed the over-spender was the wife.
This behavior has been life-long for my husband, not a recent reaction to our loss. I myself am only SLIGHTLY better with money than he is, and that's what makes it so important to have a concrete, as-fail-proof-as-possible SYSTEM to manage this. Dealing with the emotional reasons and fallout from spending habits is important, but if the problem can be neutralized then good discussions are more useful. I don't like to agonize on what we SHOULD do when one or both of us systematically fails; I'd like to fix the concrete problem (when, as here, possible) and move on from there.
At any rate, my spouse had checked the bank account prior to the recent spending, believed the balance reflected post-rent payment and was mistaken - I was out of town, he was bored and tipsy. Frankly, this is stuff I can understand (have done it myself), and my spouse responded openly and honestly, without resentment, to my questions. Discussion ensued, which was caring, respectful, problem-solving-oriented and kind on all sides, and then turned to how to manage for the next week on $27. It was a dumb mistake, but at least the behavior wasn't rooted in the "who cares?!?" attitude it seems to me to have been in the past.
Multiple checking accounts are probably going to be a GREAT solution for our family, as they can be discussed and negotiated in advance, agreed to together (as was our budget, we sat side by side doing it as a team, which reduced the resentment associated with a budget in the past, and eliminated constant arguments relating to the belief that I was just SAYING we didn't have money), and then largely self-policing. Husband would prefer to handle cash rather than cards. I am a card person - but we can act as we please with the individual accounts. Sure, without changing our underlying approaches to money there will still be some problems now and down the road, but we will be set up for success rather than failure.
The "money memory" comment is interesting - mine is that my parents pretty much gave me whatever I wanted if I "deserved" it, for example by getting straight A's or something, or if there was a good reason for it, like ballet shoes and such. Budgeting and whether it was financially reasonable were never issues presented to me - this is something I've recognized and worked hard to get through, with only moderate success. I myself racked up almost $20k in needless, senseless, stupid debt about 5 years ago, and came out from under it wiser.
By the way, after our daughter died, someone I trust and care for deeply told me that the measure of a man is not whether he does the dishes without being prompted, but how he steps up in the face of tragedy. My husband is my hero, he is an amazing man. He's kind, loving, fun, respectful, a great listener and gives me so much joy. Hence, my desire with this question was to support my goal of creating a system to manage the money, so that our emotional energy can be spent healing from the recent loss and crafting a good, healthy, supportive life - but where the things that have to get done, get done.
Thank you to all who have shared their financial arrangements and other words of advice.
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That said, here's how my wife and I look at it and handle it. For a long time we were in a scenario such as yours where one of us made most of the money, but we decided things should be equitable. Just because one of us made more doesn't mean one of us should live like royalty and the other just lucky to hang on.
So we have set up FOUR checking accounts (for two people).
We each have a personal checking account into which an "allowance" goes, and our allowance is equal. Now this isn't just fun spending money, it's money for clothes, for haircuts, for gifts for each other, etc.
Then we have one account that is specifically for fixed expenses. Mortgage. Car Payment. Internet. Etc. By having a certain amount deposited directly from our paychecks into that account we know all bills are 100% taken care of, period. (I want to note that lately due to some irresponsible use of credit cards the amount in "fixed expenses" has been upped and every month the extra goes to paying down CC balances).
The fourth is for joint expenses. This is fairly limited to travel (together), groceries, dinners out together, and gasoline.
For seven years of marriage this 4-account system has worked very very well. I will add that for a period of 1 year we changed banks and went to a 2 account system, fixed bills, and "everything else" losing our "allowances". This led to some fights, resentment over who spent what, and griping that something the other person bought wasn't "worth the money" etc. Returning to the 4-account system has removed ALL those problems again, and makes us simply happier people in general.
Now how much needs to go into each account, that depends on your personal finances. And quite simply, if you can't trust your spouse with the "joint expense" card for groceries, etc. perhaps you do away with that one and just do 3 accounts, and you "pay her back" for half of all groceries, etc.
Then again it may not work for you as there seem to be deep trust issues resulting from this. But you asked for anecdotes, there's ours.
posted by arniec at 7:33 AM on June 3 [27 favorites has favorites]