Succeeding on the dating scene - where does a woman get advice?

May 22, 2009 10:08 AM

Succeeding on the dating scene - where does a woman get advice?

I haven't been single since my teens, now mid-20s, don't know how to go about meeting men, getting dates etc! Total n00b to the dating scene, where can I learn what to do? All the PUA etc sites seem to be aimed at men, the women's "advice" I've seen seems to be for people who are already dating and wanting to turn something into a relationship...

Any advice you can share or point to appreciated.

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

I would say just get advice from your friends. Different social circles have different ways of going about dating.
posted by greta simone at 10:20 AM on May 22

Evan Marc Katz.

Also, try your first tag -- leads to hundreds of questions.

But I don't buy the premise of your question -- that most of the dating advice out there is for men. If it's good advice, it should apply to you. In fact, I generally disregard dating advice that pitched specifically to men (or women).
posted by Jaltcoh at 10:32 AM on May 22

I recommend Intimate Connections by Dr. David Burns.

But the most important advice you can get is full-on eye contact when talking with someone you might be interested in. It works very well and when I suggested it to a female friend, she was quite skeptical. Several months later she told me she was amazed at how well it worked for her.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:33 AM on May 22 [2 favorites has favorites]

I could be wrong, but I don't think there is a single "dating scene." There are functions where single people mingle to find potential dates, there are bars where you could find someone, but singles and couples co-exist, and there are social events and circles of friends who can help you make connections. Find where you feel the most natural (versus putting on a good show for others), and go with that.
posted by filthy light thief at 11:16 AM on May 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

I say this frequently: treat anything you write in a personal advertisement and anything you say to someone you are interested in when you are out and about town as if you were interviewing for a job. Put your best foot forward, don't disrespect your past employer (old boyfriend) and demonstrate a propensity for growth. Also: guys are sometimes clueless - if you like him and you know he's not totally skeevy its O.K. to give him your number or some way that he can contact you. While your at it - tell him to contact you, and tell him why.
posted by Nanukthedog at 11:21 AM on May 22

Sorry for the bad link. The site used to be here, but I can't get to it now.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:36 PM on May 22

I bet you'd get pretty frank advice if you asked opinions on the PUA sites, albeit from the male perspective.
posted by PFL at 1:44 PM on May 22

For the healthiest, most awesomest relationships, I would recommend Allison Armstrong. Seminars are the best, but the tapes and books are great, too.

You can find the link here Understanding Men

It will definitely give you access to the initial meeting of men.

Full disclosure: I have done the seminars, and met my current 2 year, awesomest relationship during one of the 'homework' assignments.</small?
posted by Vaike at 2:24 PM on May 22 [1 favorite has favorites]

My impression is that there's a lot of dating advice books out there, primarily aimed at women. I'd recommend Susan Page's If I'm So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? Despite the cringe-inducing title, it's actually a very practical book.
posted by russilwvong at 2:33 PM on May 22

As a guy, reading the Understanding Men stuff, I'm seeing a lot that makes tons of sense to me. So I'd also recommend that.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:04 PM on May 22

As a guy, reading the Understanding Men stuff, I'm seeing a lot that makes me cringe. In ways I haven't cringed since I got rejected by eHarmony because there's no one in the world for me because I'm a horrible person.

I think it comes down to remembering that there isn't a dating scene, there isn't a single group of men that you're going to go out and meet, and not all the good ones are taken. The most stable relationships I've ever been in have also been friendships.

Last but not least, don't just start ruling people out as friends or relationships based on your perceptions or any internet "background checking" that you do on them. Base it on how they act towards you and the things they do in your presence. After three excellent dates, I had someone start completely ignoring me based on things they found out about me through a mutual acquaintance -- who had last known me ten years ago in high school. (Found out about that through my sister, who knew the other person too.) Dating is about giving people chances and seeing how they fit into where you're going.

Dating is scary, but as in life, fear's your only real enemy.
posted by SpecialK at 3:21 PM on May 22 [3 favorites has favorites]

You can find lots of cool people at meetups who share your interests and have something in common. Win-win: at the very least, you'll have a good time and make friends.
posted by aquafortis at 6:35 PM on May 22