What would you like your epitaph to read? If you prefer not to be buried, what shall become of your mortal remains?

November 27, 2004 11:51 PM

What would you like your epitaph to read? If you prefer not to be buried, what shall become of your mortal remains?
posted by baphomet to Grab Bag (55 answers total)

Response by poster: As I stated in this excellent thread, I want mine to read, "Today I'm dead, tomorrow I'll be eating your brains."
posted by baphomet at 11:53 PM on November 27, 2004

Seriously? I'm not crazy about the idea of being buried, or people walking on my grave. I'd like to be cremated, and maybe scattered somewhere. "From dust to dust..."

I like the idea of a memorial. I've wandered through old graveyards, reading headstones from the 1700s. It's a humbling feeling. On the other hand, I don't want a grave, so I'm not sure where a headstone would be placed.

I suppose I'd rather be remembered for my work. I'd like my writing to last for a few centuries, to be remembered and to make its mark. If I can achieve that, I guess a headstone or a mausoleum would seem almost trivial.

Someone posted a link to Lee Valley recently, and I was admiring their time capsule. I thought it might be a neat idea to create a family time capsule -- a few letters, maybe a news article or two -- with engraved instructions to open it several generations from now. Assuming my kids and grandkids could resist the temptation, it might be an interesting gift for my descendants.

I know I'd enjoy reading a letter from my ancestors about their contemporary experiences during the Civil War.
posted by cribcage at 12:10 AM on November 28, 2004

I want to be cremated, and then have about twenty or twenty-five vials of my ashes be distributed to people to do with as they please- like party favors. You liked me? Cast me into the spring wind. You hated me? Flush me down the toilet. Do with me as you see fit, that is what I say.
posted by oflinkey at 12:10 AM on November 28, 2004

Yeah, similarly to bahomet, if I'm buried in a cemetery I want my headstone to read "DON'T LOOK BEHIND YOU". (Or, "THEY'RE COMING TO GET YOU, BARBARA".) (Or just, "BRAAAIIINS!")
posted by nicwolff at 12:22 AM on November 28, 2004

I'd like to be put on ice in one of those cryonic storage flasks at Alcor. The only epitaph I want is: "Decant in 2204".
posted by Meridian at 12:22 AM on November 28, 2004

I want to be cremated, and then have about twenty or twenty-five vials of my ashes be distributed to people to do with as they please- like party favors.

If phrased correctly, this could be a very good Mefi cliche.
posted by christin at 12:23 AM on November 28, 2004

frozen in carbonite
posted by naxosaxur at 12:30 AM on November 28, 2004

died in the arms of big ted
posted by dorian at 12:33 AM on November 28, 2004

Medical dissection. If that's of no use, cremation or some other medically acceptable disposal of waste flesh. I suppose they could feed me to pigs. LOL!

I totally don't care at all. Just one rule: If you don't give me a wake instead of a funeral, you can all rot in hell.

Did I mention I'm Atheist? :-D
posted by slashdot at 12:42 AM on November 28, 2004

Cost not being an issue, I'd like my corpse to be jettisoned in space so that I could orbit the sun and become a comet. Since I doubt that will happen, I suppose the tired throw my ashes into the ocean cliche works pretty well.
posted by pemdasi at 1:13 AM on November 28, 2004

gotta be ASCII goatse.
posted by angry modem at 1:20 AM on November 28, 2004

My grandfather passed away about a year ago, and he was very christian, so I fully expected the usual burial along with gravestone.

Turns out he donated his body to science!

Very surprising to find out, and sounds like a good plan to me.
posted by falconred at 1:49 AM on November 28, 2004

I'm donating my body to mad science.
posted by frenetic at 2:05 AM on November 28, 2004

"Buried Alive."
posted by j.edwards at 2:12 AM on November 28, 2004

"How would you like it if I were to stand on YOUR feet, asshat?"
posted by epimorph at 2:20 AM on November 28, 2004

I plan to be cremated and have my ashes put into a pair of maracas. My wife will leave the maracas on the coffee table and people will pick them up and shake them (who can NOT shake a pair of maracas?) and they'll say "hey, maracas!" and my wife will explain that her late husband's ashes are in them. And if I had a headstone I'd just want it read "I really hope I was right."
posted by HifiToaster at 5:21 AM on November 28, 2004

I enjoyed Dorothy Parker's suggestion of "pardon my dust".
posted by fricative at 5:47 AM on November 28, 2004

hacked into chunks and eaten by birds. seriously.
posted by jessamyn at 7:46 AM on November 28, 2004 [1 favorite]

i want my gravestone to say "i'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing up.
posted by glenwood at 7:47 AM on November 28, 2004

I will be cremated and my ashes will be sprinkled over Lucy Liu.
posted by SPrintF at 7:58 AM on November 28, 2004

to sea, like hart crane
posted by orange clock at 7:59 AM on November 28, 2004

Died tragically rescuing his family from the wreckage of a destroyed sinking battleship.
posted by thebigpoop at 8:13 AM on November 28, 2004

"Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Remains Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship"
posted by jacobm at 8:14 AM on November 28, 2004

Whatever happens, I want it to be clean. No nasty, ooky flesh lying around and rotting, oozing, bubbling up out of the soil releasing putrid gases into the air.

Deep in the ocean clean, cremated clean, vat of acid clean.

I guess I hate the thought of my body still being here when I am no longer in control.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 8:16 AM on November 28, 2004

I will be donating my body to science. Even if my body is used for nothing else but showing first year med students what a dead body looks like, it's better than nothing. Why bury my body or burn it if there's any chance I could help the progression of science and knowledge in any way?

(If that weren't an option, I imagine I'd be cremated. Maybe it would be nice to have a bits of ashes sprinkled in a few of my favourite places in the world, or all the places I've lived.)
posted by digifox at 8:27 AM on November 28, 2004

HiFiToaster, that was really funny!
posted by sophie at 8:28 AM on November 28, 2004

Uploaded and frozen.

i want my gravestone to say "i'm with stupid" with an arrow pointing up.

Snort!

Deep in the ocean clean

Wet != clean. All sorts of nasty things happen down there on the ocean floor.
posted by rushmc at 8:37 AM on November 28, 2004

I'd like to donate my body - there's a lot to learn about that route from the book, Stiff. Since I don't think I'm suitable for a med school speciman, I'm leaning more towards crash-test dummy. Or maybe decomp study.

But, if that's too upsetting for my family (I suspect it will be - my not wanting a memorial in a graveyard is bad enough for them), I'm going for the cremated/party favors combination. Miniature urns are commonly sold and are called "keepsake urns" -- a good solution when several family members want a physical memento.
posted by Sangre Azul at 8:43 AM on November 28, 2004

(BTW, I am aware that you seldom get to choose what happens to your body when you donate it.)
posted by Sangre Azul at 8:45 AM on November 28, 2004

TO ANYONE WHO IS READING THIS, I BID YOU SOMBER GREETINGS, AS I AM MOST LIKELY DECEASED. IN THE EVENT OF MY PASSING FROM THIS EXISTANCE, PLEASE OBLIDGE ME IN ONE SMALL FAVOR.

THERE ARE, TO BE FAIR, A NUMBER OF INDIVIDUALS I WISH TO ADDRESS POSTHUMOUSLY. I WOULD THEREFORE APPRECIATE IT IF THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE WERE POSTED IN MY STEAD TO THE INTERNET ADDRESS METATALK.METAFILTER.COM -- SHOULD ANYONE OBLIDGE IN ASSISTING, MY SOULD WOULD REST EASILY, AND I WOULD BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL. MESSAGE IS AS FOLLOWS:

hey gang, this is just a quick note: following the askme murder thread and the faking one's death thread, i just wanted to say that the "waddya want on yer tombstone" discussion may have been one of the best (inadvertent) ponies ever. It's stuff like this that truly stands out as best of the web. btw, i've (probabaly) croaked. fyi. kthnxbye.

WHEN THE FAVOR IS OBLIDGED IN POSTING THE MESSAGE, I ONLY ASK THAT IT BE FILED UNDER THE "BUGS" CATEGORY OF METATALK. SOME MAY TAKE ISSUE WITH THIS, BUT I'M SURE A FEW WILL SMILE AT THE JOKE. -SMART DALEK
posted by Smart Dalek at 8:55 AM on November 28, 2004 [1 favorite]

"SOUL", NOT "SOULD". OLD SPELLING ERRORS DIE HARD. I LIKELY DIED HARDER.
posted by Smart Dalek at 8:57 AM on November 28, 2004 [1 favorite]

I'd like to be cremated, with instructions to scatter my ashes in a few of my favorite places on Earth. That way others can see these places themselves. I'd also like to make sure at least some of those ashes are reserved for my parents' final resting place, wherever that may be.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:25 AM on November 28, 2004

hacked into chunks and eaten by birds. seriously.

I'm the same as jessamyn here. I *like*recycling. Toss me naked in a ditch and let the Earth have me. Seriously.

Smart Dalek - we'll need your password, buddy.
posted by Ufez Jones at 9:40 AM on November 28, 2004

I want to build a giant mausoleum, with a statue of me wrestling a python and bas reliefs all around of my fanciful life experiences. Columns, domes, a sarcophagus, etc. would all be necessary, of course.

Lest you think that all this would be unnecessary, I'd also have low income housing built around the mausoleum. That way, the rent from the low income housing could pay for the mausoleum's upkeep, and if you sacrificied a bull in my memory, you'd get the first month's rent off.

Frankly, I fail to see anything wrong with that arrangement.
posted by Captain_Tenille at 9:57 AM on November 28, 2004

god is dead
art is dead
mr. rogers is dead

if not that, alternately:

this isn't a tragedy
posted by fake at 9:58 AM on November 28, 2004

"Prop me up beside the jukebox"
posted by kamylyon at 11:13 AM on November 28, 2004

"To be continued on MetaTalk

1975-2004"
posted by inksyndicate at 12:37 PM on November 28, 2004

Burned up, swept out.

Then a giant stone angel in the park, haunted by choirs of handsome, constantly weeping young men. The inscription can say any old damn thing.
posted by melissa may at 12:48 PM on November 28, 2004 [1 favorite]

burn me, send me to the land fill, forget that I ever was.
posted by mwhybark at 1:02 PM on November 28, 2004

"She died trying". I want my bones cleaned off and articulated, then my skeleton can be donated to an anatomy professor. If articulating is too much of a pain, just give away my bones. The leftover gushy parts can be thrown in a grave, and I want a marble headstone.
posted by beth at 1:17 PM on November 28, 2004

Ideally, I'd like for my body to be carried through the streets while the populace weeps and throws flowers and poems written in my honor. Of course, professional mourners would be hired to wail and moan and rend their garments in a suitable display. Then my body will placed upon a Viking ship (custom-built for the occasion) loaded with my earthly possessions, set on fire and pushed out to sea. It will not be necessary to sacrifice virgins or animals, but writing an epic poem loosely based on my life and altering the school curriculum to include it would be nice. Fifth grade, maybe?

Alternatively, there are some pretty cool ideas here.
posted by cali at 1:30 PM on November 28, 2004

Compost me baby!

If I must be buried (make no mistake, it's really the families choice, not yours), and assuming I earned it, I would like for my tombstone to say:

"A Good Man"
posted by ad hoc at 2:22 PM on November 28, 2004 [1 favorite]

I would want an ecological burial like ad hoc. I'd like to continue being environmentally-friendly after death. Then those ashes buried but not in a box, just scattered and then the dirt turned over. I want to get back into the carbon cycle as quickly as possible. If they want some physically marker, let it be a tree with no plaque. I'd dead, let me leave.

The nicest idea I ever heard for a "traditional" memorial was a bench on a hill in a favorite park, either unmarked or simply with a favorite poem or passage. Something other people could use, and would encourage a special place being loved by others. If I have any physical, worded memorial, I would like something like that.

I'd hope the emotional memorial involved lots of drinking and dancing at a wake, a celebration a job well done and now ended.
posted by nelleish at 2:50 PM on November 28, 2004

Memorial Ecosystems is an American company doing the compost thing. That's what I want--being pumped full of formalin and put in an water-tight box surrounded by plastic flowers doesn't sit well with me.
posted by hydropsyche at 4:15 PM on November 28, 2004

Someone once suggested that I use something that I often say when driving - "I can always turn around and double back."
I'm still trying to figure out what that could mean when inscribed on a tombstone. But I like the idea of people standing on my grave and being deeply confused. Or laughing - either way.
posted by batgrlHG at 4:56 PM on November 28, 2004

I'm opting for cremation, and I want my ashes to sit on someone's mantel just waiting for hilarity to ensue, sitcom style.

Alternately, were I to be buried, I think I should like my tombstone to be some horrible angel with a prayer book thing that Goth kids could hang out, trying to summon my spirit with black candles and Milton Bradley Ouija boards. Oh, the fun I'd have.
posted by Miss Bitchy Pants at 5:40 PM on November 28, 2004

Free your body and soul,
Unfold your powerful wings,
Climb up the highest mountains,
Kick your feet up in the air,
You may now live forever,
Or return to this earth,
Unless you feel good where you are.
posted by vapidave at 6:29 PM on November 28, 2004

HE BELIEVED THAT ONLY BY DESTROYING
THIS PLANET COULD WE ESCAPE FROM IT.

THIS BURIAL WAS HIS LAST PERFORMANCE
OF INTENTIONAL LITTERING.
posted by interrobang at 7:47 PM on November 28, 2004 [1 favorite]

jessamyn has it right. definitely use whatever organs you can use from me, then dump me in the woods, no coffin, no preservative, and let the scavengers feed. It's beautiful. Alternately, if whatever surviving relatives I have can't deal, bury me in a plot in a field in the country, no coffin, no preservative, and plant a nice tree above me. Let the roots reach down and use my minerals.
posted by exlotuseater at 7:58 PM on November 28, 2004

I tried.
posted by damnitkage at 8:48 PM on November 28, 2004

"I'd like to thank my mom and dad...without them, I wouldn't be here"
posted by keep it tight at 8:08 AM on November 29, 2004

"1971 - 341961238920"
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 9:04 AM on November 29, 2004

I don't want a headstone, I don't want a casket.
I want to buried under a crimson maple tree, preferably in Vermont, any articles of clothing should be of natural fiber.
I don't want to be remembered.
posted by kamylyon at 10:12 AM on November 29, 2004

TAKE A PENNY
LEAVE A PENNY
posted by booth at 12:31 PM on November 29, 2004

"Just Visiting"
posted by gnz2001 at 4:31 PM on November 30, 2004