I just don't know what to do with myself.
May 13, 2009 3:42 PM Subscribe
What do you do when someone you love/trust/admire does something completely out of character (that hurts or affects you negatively)? How do you cope?
In the past three months, two people who are very close to me did things that were extremely startling and difficult for me to understand (they don't know each other; these two things are not related). These are both people I know (or thought I knew?) really well and who have been dependable, trustworthy people in the past.
The things they did hurt me very much. One of them wrote me a vicious letter, and the other one did something that is best described as a giant betrayal of trust.
I'm finding it difficult to get over these things, or know whether to (or how to) continue on with the friendships. At this point, I'm no longer in touch with the friend who 'betrayed' me. I searched through past threads about friendship and trust, and even some breakup threads, but I didn't find much that applied directly.
Any suggestions for dealing with the situation(s)? I'm open to pretty much any advice. Though I don't think the situation warrants therapy, I've already talked about this with my psychiatrist (just to let him know what's affecting my moods lately).
Thanks very much in advance.
In the past three months, two people who are very close to me did things that were extremely startling and difficult for me to understand (they don't know each other; these two things are not related). These are both people I know (or thought I knew?) really well and who have been dependable, trustworthy people in the past.
The things they did hurt me very much. One of them wrote me a vicious letter, and the other one did something that is best described as a giant betrayal of trust.
I'm finding it difficult to get over these things, or know whether to (or how to) continue on with the friendships. At this point, I'm no longer in touch with the friend who 'betrayed' me. I searched through past threads about friendship and trust, and even some breakup threads, but I didn't find much that applied directly.
Any suggestions for dealing with the situation(s)? I'm open to pretty much any advice. Though I don't think the situation warrants therapy, I've already talked about this with my psychiatrist (just to let him know what's affecting my moods lately).
Thanks very much in advance.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
Yeah, not to be nosy, but without at least SOME context, it's hard to help.
For example, if the vicious letter came out of NOWHERE then your next steps with that might be quite different than if the letter came after a huge argument because they thought you fucked them over, or something.
posted by tristeza at 3:48 PM on May 13, 2009
For example, if the vicious letter came out of NOWHERE then your next steps with that might be quite different than if the letter came after a huge argument because they thought you fucked them over, or something.
posted by tristeza at 3:48 PM on May 13, 2009
Response by poster: sorry. i was trying not to be too specific, but didn't realize it would be hard to answer.
Person A's letter came out of nowhere. no reason whatsoever.
Person B did something that is pretty much the equivalent of cheating on someone, in the context of a friendship. it's hard to explain. i know it sounds like high school drama, but it's nothing like "you said you wouldn't be her friend and you ARE friends with her! WAHHH!"
i hope that helps..
posted by gursky at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2009
Person A's letter came out of nowhere. no reason whatsoever.
Person B did something that is pretty much the equivalent of cheating on someone, in the context of a friendship. it's hard to explain. i know it sounds like high school drama, but it's nothing like "you said you wouldn't be her friend and you ARE friends with her! WAHHH!"
i hope that helps..
posted by gursky at 3:51 PM on May 13, 2009
Not to be mean or nasty, but you seem as though you're being coy for unknown reasons. That's fine and your choice, but it makes it harder to offer suggestions.
Very rarely do things come out of nowhere. More often than not, we simply weren't aware of what was going. So what Person A's letter say? Specifics would help?
Likewise, what are some of the specifics on Person B's situation? Can you think of anything that lead up to it?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:55 PM on May 13, 2009
Very rarely do things come out of nowhere. More often than not, we simply weren't aware of what was going. So what Person A's letter say? Specifics would help?
Likewise, what are some of the specifics on Person B's situation? Can you think of anything that lead up to it?
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:55 PM on May 13, 2009
What was the content of person A's letter? It really matters. If someone was telling you you're essentially a selfish person, maybe it's a point you want to examine in yourself. If it was some kind of totally kabonkers thing about how you always wear the color blue and they find it offensive, that's totally different.
Either way, if you're close to someone, and they hurt you, at some point you have to sit in front of them and tell them they hurt you if you want to move forward.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:57 PM on May 13, 2009
Either way, if you're close to someone, and they hurt you, at some point you have to sit in front of them and tell them they hurt you if you want to move forward.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:57 PM on May 13, 2009
i hope that helps..
It doesn't, though. I know you need to be cagey on details but this:
Person A's letter came out of nowhere. no reason whatsoever.
Is patently false. Of course it came for a reason - the reason is that your friend wrote and sent a "vicious letter" to you, which is incredibly rare and weird, and clearly had Big Fat Reasons behind it but if we don't know anything about the content of the letter and etc. then we can't help you. Ditto the "cheating in the context of friendship", which I can't even imagine an example for.
posted by moxiedoll at 3:58 PM on May 13, 2009
It doesn't, though. I know you need to be cagey on details but this:
Person A's letter came out of nowhere. no reason whatsoever.
Is patently false. Of course it came for a reason - the reason is that your friend wrote and sent a "vicious letter" to you, which is incredibly rare and weird, and clearly had Big Fat Reasons behind it but if we don't know anything about the content of the letter and etc. then we can't help you. Ditto the "cheating in the context of friendship", which I can't even imagine an example for.
posted by moxiedoll at 3:58 PM on May 13, 2009
People suck. Including you and me.
The sooner you learn this, the less you'll be disappointed in everyone later.
I'm still learning.
posted by rokusan at 4:01 PM on May 13, 2009
The sooner you learn this, the less you'll be disappointed in everyone later.
I'm still learning.
posted by rokusan at 4:01 PM on May 13, 2009
Did you ask the person who wrote you the vicious letter why they had done that? Because that's usually what I do when someone I know and trust suddenly turns on me.
It's usually been the result of a miscommunication in my own life experience (although once it was the result of untreated schizophrenia).
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:03 PM on May 13, 2009
It's usually been the result of a miscommunication in my own life experience (although once it was the result of untreated schizophrenia).
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:03 PM on May 13, 2009
You know, just for some context--I was called on the carpet once in a way that really, really hurt me, and turned out to be in some way true. It took a long time for me to recognize that part of my hurt was the recognition that they were in some way right. And part of it was just the hurt that comes from feeling slapped in the face.
So if you're being coy because you feel, in some teeny subconscious way, that what person A said might have been true, and person B did might have been justified, it might be an important thing for you to confront personally, in private, even if you don't want to post details.
And the stuff I said about the relationships in general still applies--if you value you them, you talk about it honestly.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:04 PM on May 13, 2009
So if you're being coy because you feel, in some teeny subconscious way, that what person A said might have been true, and person B did might have been justified, it might be an important thing for you to confront personally, in private, even if you don't want to post details.
And the stuff I said about the relationships in general still applies--if you value you them, you talk about it honestly.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:04 PM on May 13, 2009
You have 2 choices on how to deal with this. You can either talk to them about how you feel and get their side of it and try to come to some resolution, or you can just write them off.
Is there a possibility that you have misconstrued what's going on? Was the betrayal of trust that large/unimaginable, or the letter that harsh? Can you see any reason why either friend might have done what they did? The reason i ask is that it seems very unlikely that two unrelated friends would insult you so badly in a short period of time - it can happen - but sometimes our impression of the event may be different than what was intended. Can you ask another friend for their impression of what's going on?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:04 PM on May 13, 2009
Is there a possibility that you have misconstrued what's going on? Was the betrayal of trust that large/unimaginable, or the letter that harsh? Can you see any reason why either friend might have done what they did? The reason i ask is that it seems very unlikely that two unrelated friends would insult you so badly in a short period of time - it can happen - but sometimes our impression of the event may be different than what was intended. Can you ask another friend for their impression of what's going on?
posted by The Light Fantastic at 4:04 PM on May 13, 2009
Without knowing more -- and your clarifications don't really shed any light -- I think the thing to do is to remember this: generally speaking (and barring certain types of mental illness), people do things because it serves some sort of purpose and/or makes some sort of sense to them. This is true even if they can't articulate why it makes sense (it may not even be conscious), and even if it seems totally irrational or counterintuitive to us.
You have to try to understand their actions within some sort of context. That doesn't mean you excuse them, or like what they did, or don't have a right to feel hurt. But without considering the context, all you're left with is the unsatisfying (and likely inaccurate) conclusion idea that both Person A and Person B are just bad people who wanted to hurt you for no reason.
People suck. Including you and me.
No they don't. People don't suck; people are imperfect. Some people's imperfections have more hurtful consequences than others. That may not be as pithily misanthropic a way to look at it, but I think it's actually a lot more realistic.
posted by scody at 4:06 PM on May 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
You have to try to understand their actions within some sort of context. That doesn't mean you excuse them, or like what they did, or don't have a right to feel hurt. But without considering the context, all you're left with is the unsatisfying (and likely inaccurate) conclusion idea that both Person A and Person B are just bad people who wanted to hurt you for no reason.
People suck. Including you and me.
No they don't. People don't suck; people are imperfect. Some people's imperfections have more hurtful consequences than others. That may not be as pithily misanthropic a way to look at it, but I think it's actually a lot more realistic.
posted by scody at 4:06 PM on May 13, 2009 [3 favorites]
Have you asked either person about their motivations? Unless mental illness is involved, these situations don't sound like they would just pop up out of nowhere. And if mental illness is involved, your friends need help more than anything else.
posted by Anonymous at 4:06 PM on May 13, 2009
posted by Anonymous at 4:06 PM on May 13, 2009
Been in a very similar situation: About three or four years ago, Person A (an old friend) sent me a scathing e-mail out of the blue, so I gave her a long overdue farewell phone call and shed that poison from my life permanently. And a few months before that, Person B was my boyfriend and he slept with this really sketchy dude, so I dumped him and he hooked up with our roommate. Awkward!
Neither situation was related, but both really threw me for a loop. My social life was shaken up by both cases, but fortunately my real friends helped me see the light: They were people that invited drama and were better off out of my life.
As for your situation, you're still being too vague.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:10 PM on May 13, 2009
Neither situation was related, but both really threw me for a loop. My social life was shaken up by both cases, but fortunately my real friends helped me see the light: They were people that invited drama and were better off out of my life.
As for your situation, you're still being too vague.
posted by futureisunwritten at 4:10 PM on May 13, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
What did Person B do that was a giant betrayal of trust?
It's hard to offer an answer without knowing details.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 3:44 PM on May 13, 2009 [1 favorite]