Will I be a good mother even though I have depression? Personal experiences would also be very appreciated!!
May 12, 2009 4:49 PM Subscribe
Will I be a good mother even though I have depression? Personal experiences would also be very appreciated!!
Hi MeFites, my husband and I are discussing starting a family at the moment but I'm concerned I'm not strong enough - because of clinical depression - to cope with children and be a good mother.
Quick background
I've had clinical depression for the past 10 years (I'm now 30) and have been on meds for it for 3 years now which have been very very helpful.
I basically have a life again now, can hold down a job, and for the first time since high school have the luxury of living a normal and happy life with my husband of 11 years.
Part of my treatment involves lots of quiet time to myself, a very predictable routine, and the ability to just curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a day when I need to. This, combined with the anti-depressants, means I'm able to cope pretty well with life and be there for my husband when he needs me.
My concerns about adding a child to this mix are:
- Children are generally noisy and demanding (if wonderful) little critters - am I going to be able to cope with that?
- Children will require me to simply put my needs aside a lot of the time, and while I'm more than happy to do that I'm not sure I would cope with the consequences of missing out on quiet time alone, not to mention sleep, i.e. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!
- I grew up with a mother who suffered from clinical anxiety and a severe temper; consequently I had a heap of emotional issues and anxieties myself which took years to work through. I am scared I would do the same thing to my own child.
I would really welcome your advice / your answers to the above questions / your own stories - whatever you have time to share with me.
Thank you very much
Katala
Hi MeFites, my husband and I are discussing starting a family at the moment but I'm concerned I'm not strong enough - because of clinical depression - to cope with children and be a good mother.
Quick background
I've had clinical depression for the past 10 years (I'm now 30) and have been on meds for it for 3 years now which have been very very helpful.
I basically have a life again now, can hold down a job, and for the first time since high school have the luxury of living a normal and happy life with my husband of 11 years.
Part of my treatment involves lots of quiet time to myself, a very predictable routine, and the ability to just curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a day when I need to. This, combined with the anti-depressants, means I'm able to cope pretty well with life and be there for my husband when he needs me.
My concerns about adding a child to this mix are:
- Children are generally noisy and demanding (if wonderful) little critters - am I going to be able to cope with that?
- Children will require me to simply put my needs aside a lot of the time, and while I'm more than happy to do that I'm not sure I would cope with the consequences of missing out on quiet time alone, not to mention sleep, i.e. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak!
- I grew up with a mother who suffered from clinical anxiety and a severe temper; consequently I had a heap of emotional issues and anxieties myself which took years to work through. I am scared I would do the same thing to my own child.
I would really welcome your advice / your answers to the above questions / your own stories - whatever you have time to share with me.
Thank you very much
Katala
Have you discussed this with your physician/therapist? I think they may have a better idea than we do.
posted by 6:1 at 5:01 PM on May 12, 2009
posted by 6:1 at 5:01 PM on May 12, 2009
I don't think having depression should preclude someone from having a child. I have a friend with clinical depression who has 3 and they're the light of her life. It's difficult at times, especially when she was pregnant and nursing and off her anti-depressants, but I know she'd never have it any other way now that she has her kids. I think that if you have a supportive husband who can help shoulder the responsibilities that come with having children and you stay on top of your depression, you can definitely do it.
On a personal note, my mom has what I think must be depression that she's never had treated. She spent years of my childhood in bed and my dad was always at work. My poor mom had to deal with 3 kids the best she could without much day-to-day help from my dad. Anyway, besides all suffering from time to time with depression ourselves, we turned out okay, despite my mom's limitations. I didn't appreciate it much as a kid, but now that I'm an adult with struggles of my own, I really appreciate what my mom must have been experiencing and how she still tried (and often failed) to do her absolute best for us. I think that helped make me a more compassionate person. So, it can definitely be done.
Good luck. That you're even asking this question and thinking about this issue tells me that you're likely to be a better mom than many.
posted by Maisie at 5:07 PM on May 12, 2009
On a personal note, my mom has what I think must be depression that she's never had treated. She spent years of my childhood in bed and my dad was always at work. My poor mom had to deal with 3 kids the best she could without much day-to-day help from my dad. Anyway, besides all suffering from time to time with depression ourselves, we turned out okay, despite my mom's limitations. I didn't appreciate it much as a kid, but now that I'm an adult with struggles of my own, I really appreciate what my mom must have been experiencing and how she still tried (and often failed) to do her absolute best for us. I think that helped make me a more compassionate person. So, it can definitely be done.
Good luck. That you're even asking this question and thinking about this issue tells me that you're likely to be a better mom than many.
posted by Maisie at 5:07 PM on May 12, 2009
I came in here to recommend Dooce as well. She just had a book published on this very thing (which I haven't read yet but am looking forward to): It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much-Needed Margarita.
posted by pised at 5:10 PM on May 12, 2009
posted by pised at 5:10 PM on May 12, 2009
Do you want children?
I think all of your concerns are very real ones - because parenthood is pretty much guaranteed to be the opposite of lots of quiet time to myself, a very predictable routine, and the ability to just curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a day when I need to.
I think talking to your own physician and therapist is very important. Will you be able to stay on anti-depressants during pregnancy? During nursing?
Will your husband be able to take the hit when you have the need to withdraw, and have the job flexibility to care for the child when you're unable?
I don't have any experience just questions.
posted by canine epigram at 5:12 PM on May 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think all of your concerns are very real ones - because parenthood is pretty much guaranteed to be the opposite of lots of quiet time to myself, a very predictable routine, and the ability to just curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a day when I need to.
I think talking to your own physician and therapist is very important. Will you be able to stay on anti-depressants during pregnancy? During nursing?
Will your husband be able to take the hit when you have the need to withdraw, and have the job flexibility to care for the child when you're unable?
I don't have any experience just questions.
posted by canine epigram at 5:12 PM on May 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I have been depressed for many years. I kept going for my kids. There were many times when I found the strength to carry on because they were depending on me. I actually found it harder to manage after they grew up and left, because I needed to learn how to live for myself.
posted by RussHy at 5:28 PM on May 12, 2009
posted by RussHy at 5:28 PM on May 12, 2009
I see this is not the first time you've asked about starting a family.. From that question it looks as if your husband, not you, is the prime mover here.
posted by canine epigram at 5:44 PM on May 12, 2009
posted by canine epigram at 5:44 PM on May 12, 2009
Will your husband be able to take the hit when you have the need to withdraw, and have the job flexibility to care for the child when you're unable?
This is an important question, although the fact that your condition is known and you've been married for 11 years may help. My sister-in-law is currently going through a divorce and custody battle because her PPD (which required hospitalization) convinced her husband that she was a permanent threat to their child.
posted by mkb at 5:47 PM on May 12, 2009
This is an important question, although the fact that your condition is known and you've been married for 11 years may help. My sister-in-law is currently going through a divorce and custody battle because her PPD (which required hospitalization) convinced her husband that she was a permanent threat to their child.
posted by mkb at 5:47 PM on May 12, 2009
Do you like being with children? Try volunteering to be with kids. Like babysit a friend's children. Volunteer at a church day care. Help out with a summer program. Still, being with your own children is always more fun than babysitting someone else's. But see if you like being with kids. Talk with your doctor about your prescriptions. You will probably have to get off some of these while your are pregnant and breastfeeding (and yes, you should breastfeed as it's good for both you and your child..and it will help you stay calm, too). Get into good physical shape so that being pregnant isn't so complicated and so that perhaps exercise will help you be less depressed. Talk to your therapist. Read books about child rearing.
All that said, sometimes having your own children can be marvelously wonderful. But you have to be calm and relaxed about it at as well. Good luck
posted by JadeBlue at 5:56 PM on May 12, 2009
All that said, sometimes having your own children can be marvelously wonderful. But you have to be calm and relaxed about it at as well. Good luck
posted by JadeBlue at 5:56 PM on May 12, 2009
Best answer: The main thing you need to understand when contemplating parenthood is the mind-mangling amount of work involved. Parenthood is the most demanding job any human being has ever done. Most parents will tell you it's the most rewarding thing that they could possibly have chosen to do - and that's actually a pretty clear indication that it's also the hardest thing they could possibly do. Reward obtained is, in general, proportional to effort expended.
If you're thinking about becoming a parent, you need to recognize that the amount of pleasure you derive from helping a small pissing crying thing turn into a real person is not going to be enough, on its own, to get you through the work required with your mental health intact. You are going to need help. Lots of it. And I'm not saying that because you tend to depression; I'm saying that because it's true for any parent.
Too many people launch into the enterprise with their rose colored glasses on and a vague notion that everything is just going to work out somehow. Those are the people who end up having real trouble with the whole process and doing real damage to their families. Don't be one of those people. Get your hard headed analytical mind working on preparation for this thing early.
If you have a certain minimum requirement for alone time (and all of us do), work out up front how you're going to (a) arrange to have that once you're responsible for the life of a totally dependent human being and (b) continue to cope when those arrangements fall through, as they will from time to time. Ideally you'll have specific people in mind to give you the respite you'll need, and you'll be asking those people for support in the form of specific allocations of time up-front. Arrange for more than you think you'll need, because nobody will be 100% reliable.
Keep in mind at all times that there is nothing shameful or wrong in having needs of your own, and that planning ways to get those met is necessary before you embark on a 20 year program of managing both your own life and those of your dependents.
You might also find that engaging with the people whose help you will be relying on, to a sufficient extent to get those needs met, will be enormously helpful to you in finding ways to manage and work around your own depressive tendencies.
Best of luck to you and yours!
posted by flabdablet at 5:57 PM on May 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
If you're thinking about becoming a parent, you need to recognize that the amount of pleasure you derive from helping a small pissing crying thing turn into a real person is not going to be enough, on its own, to get you through the work required with your mental health intact. You are going to need help. Lots of it. And I'm not saying that because you tend to depression; I'm saying that because it's true for any parent.
Too many people launch into the enterprise with their rose colored glasses on and a vague notion that everything is just going to work out somehow. Those are the people who end up having real trouble with the whole process and doing real damage to their families. Don't be one of those people. Get your hard headed analytical mind working on preparation for this thing early.
If you have a certain minimum requirement for alone time (and all of us do), work out up front how you're going to (a) arrange to have that once you're responsible for the life of a totally dependent human being and (b) continue to cope when those arrangements fall through, as they will from time to time. Ideally you'll have specific people in mind to give you the respite you'll need, and you'll be asking those people for support in the form of specific allocations of time up-front. Arrange for more than you think you'll need, because nobody will be 100% reliable.
Keep in mind at all times that there is nothing shameful or wrong in having needs of your own, and that planning ways to get those met is necessary before you embark on a 20 year program of managing both your own life and those of your dependents.
You might also find that engaging with the people whose help you will be relying on, to a sufficient extent to get those needs met, will be enormously helpful to you in finding ways to manage and work around your own depressive tendencies.
Best of luck to you and yours!
posted by flabdablet at 5:57 PM on May 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
Everybody always wonders if they'll be up to the task before having kids.
In your case, you're in a better position than some women because you know about your condition, you can recognize when you are experiencing depression, and you know where to go for help. Many women experience depression during and after pregnancy, and it's frightening, both for the women and their partners and older children.
At least you're prepared.
As for having kids (as a mother) while living with depression...
I think it depends on how much you can recognize when you are about to enter a valley, and then how much you can manage it.
If your current medication gives you the ability to live your life "normally", then (from my layman's perspective), I think you'll be fine with kids. If you have worked with a therapist or counselor to develop cognitive tools to deal with your current condition, you'll be fine.
If you feel that your condition is not being managed well right now, you need to learn how to manage it before doing anything else.
As a father, I experienced mild depression for a couple of years while my son was between the ages of 2 and 4. I didn't really engage with the world or with him during that time.
I'm better now, and the best part of the experience was that it gave me the cognitive and behavioural tools to manage this part of me.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:00 PM on May 12, 2009
In your case, you're in a better position than some women because you know about your condition, you can recognize when you are experiencing depression, and you know where to go for help. Many women experience depression during and after pregnancy, and it's frightening, both for the women and their partners and older children.
At least you're prepared.
As for having kids (as a mother) while living with depression...
I think it depends on how much you can recognize when you are about to enter a valley, and then how much you can manage it.
If your current medication gives you the ability to live your life "normally", then (from my layman's perspective), I think you'll be fine with kids. If you have worked with a therapist or counselor to develop cognitive tools to deal with your current condition, you'll be fine.
If you feel that your condition is not being managed well right now, you need to learn how to manage it before doing anything else.
As a father, I experienced mild depression for a couple of years while my son was between the ages of 2 and 4. I didn't really engage with the world or with him during that time.
I'm better now, and the best part of the experience was that it gave me the cognitive and behavioural tools to manage this part of me.
posted by KokuRyu at 6:00 PM on May 12, 2009
Best answer: And no, for the sake of all that's holy don't let yourself be talked into raising kids against your own best judgment. Not even by somebody you love. Ultimately, the only person in any position to make a call about whether doing this is the right thing for you, is you.
Given cheap, convenient and ubiquitous contraception, the only reason you should get involved in raising a family is because that's what you know you want to do. For your reasons. Not anybody else's.
posted by flabdablet at 6:03 PM on May 12, 2009
Given cheap, convenient and ubiquitous contraception, the only reason you should get involved in raising a family is because that's what you know you want to do. For your reasons. Not anybody else's.
posted by flabdablet at 6:03 PM on May 12, 2009
Best answer: Maisie's right, I think. The fact that you are working through these issues before you have a kid is a good sign. Also, I second the importance of answering canine epigram's questions.
I had rough postpartum which was the icing on my already-baked lifelong depression cake. Plus, I need a lot of sleep and quiet time. When my daughter was an infant she cried. A lot. She slept very little. I cried. A lot. I got through it. Not without tears and guilt and anger and resentment, but my love for my daughter and my very supportive husband got me through it. I think it's most important to make sure there is a support system... an available husband, family/friends with whom to throw back beers, and babysitters. And this is something I have to keep reminding myself: Ask for help. Also, ask for help. Lastly, don't feel bad about asking for help. It will only make you a better mom. Accept the casseroles and baby gifts and the babysitting offers. Then go out and get a pedicure.
It sounds like a very predictable routine has worked for you when dealing with your depression. Consider getting one in place with your child. It seemed so stupid to me to plan a day of tasks that consisted of things like have a snack, go to the park, take a nap, watch Blue's Clues, read books, but it moved the day along and gave me baby steps to work with in the moment. Before I set a schedule I was constantly overwhelmed with the huge task of raising a human.
Honestly, there are a lot of bad days. Kids are annoying and needy and loud and inherently selfish. For folks who like quiet time they are a bad day waiting to happen. But, for me, the good days are better than any good day I had before I had a kid. I've never loved anything more than my daughter.
posted by amstamo at 6:40 PM on May 12, 2009 [3 favorites]
I had rough postpartum which was the icing on my already-baked lifelong depression cake. Plus, I need a lot of sleep and quiet time. When my daughter was an infant she cried. A lot. She slept very little. I cried. A lot. I got through it. Not without tears and guilt and anger and resentment, but my love for my daughter and my very supportive husband got me through it. I think it's most important to make sure there is a support system... an available husband, family/friends with whom to throw back beers, and babysitters. And this is something I have to keep reminding myself: Ask for help. Also, ask for help. Lastly, don't feel bad about asking for help. It will only make you a better mom. Accept the casseroles and baby gifts and the babysitting offers. Then go out and get a pedicure.
It sounds like a very predictable routine has worked for you when dealing with your depression. Consider getting one in place with your child. It seemed so stupid to me to plan a day of tasks that consisted of things like have a snack, go to the park, take a nap, watch Blue's Clues, read books, but it moved the day along and gave me baby steps to work with in the moment. Before I set a schedule I was constantly overwhelmed with the huge task of raising a human.
Honestly, there are a lot of bad days. Kids are annoying and needy and loud and inherently selfish. For folks who like quiet time they are a bad day waiting to happen. But, for me, the good days are better than any good day I had before I had a kid. I've never loved anything more than my daughter.
posted by amstamo at 6:40 PM on May 12, 2009 [3 favorites]
Only you can decide if you want kids, obviously. I can provide some perspective as a child of a depressed mother, but, and this is a huge BUT, she was unmedicated for 90% of my childhood. This, IMO, makes all the difference. She's been solid with her treatment for the last 10 years, and we're able to have a relationship because of it. I can only imagine how much better things would have gone if she'd been treated when I was a child. If you have a child, make a firm commitment that you will never, ever abandon treatment. Enlist your husband in holding you to that commitment.
Another thing - when your child is old enough, make sure you explain to her or him that you have a chemical imbalance that causes you to be sad sometimes. Make damned sure they know it has absolutely nothing to do with them, because I grew up convinced her moods were my fault, and it still affects my relationships to this very day. It would have been useful to have a neutral third party, like a doctor, explain this to me as well. Even though she was diagnosed as bipolar, even though we sporadically went to therapy, no one ever said a word, and that borders on criminal in my opinion.
posted by desjardins at 7:19 PM on May 12, 2009
Another thing - when your child is old enough, make sure you explain to her or him that you have a chemical imbalance that causes you to be sad sometimes. Make damned sure they know it has absolutely nothing to do with them, because I grew up convinced her moods were my fault, and it still affects my relationships to this very day. It would have been useful to have a neutral third party, like a doctor, explain this to me as well. Even though she was diagnosed as bipolar, even though we sporadically went to therapy, no one ever said a word, and that borders on criminal in my opinion.
posted by desjardins at 7:19 PM on May 12, 2009
Best answer: Children are generally noisy and demanding (if wonderful) little critters - am I going to be able to cope with that? No telling. You might need more/different meds since hormones go berserk.
Children will require me to simply put my needs aside a lot of the time, and while I'm more than happy to do that I'm not sure I would cope with the consequences of missing out on quiet time alone, not to mention sleep, i.e. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! Yeah, no -- no quiet time you can impulsively take when your mood fluctuates. How much you get depends on your husband and how much you give each other breaks in childcare or other support systems. If you say "Hey honey, I need to go curl up in a ball for a day -- can you take the kid and keep it quiet/gone etc.?" If he can and will and wants to do it, fine.
I grew up with a mother who suffered from clinical anxiety and a severe temper; consequently I had a heap of emotional issues and anxieties myself which took years to work through. I am scared I would do the same thing to my own child. It's possible. I was depressed before kids and having them brought out a tremendous amount of misdirected anger. It's not fair on them (like it wasn't fair on you).
I don't sugarcoat my ability to be a parent. I'm bad at it and should (most likely) never have done it. It's multiplied my mental health issues far beyond what I expected. I work really, really hard every day (except for the curl-up-in-a-ball days) to be sane and loving and let them know it's not them. That's is something in my head that I take meds for. I have an unbelievably great husband who really wanted kids. I wanted to have kids with him. He's strong for me when I need it and always a great father. These are mentally and physically healthy kids (age 7 and 9). I disagree that if you're thoughtful enough to be concerned now, you are likely to be better at doing it. Be concerned. Really understand what you want. Then think about it again.
posted by bluemoonegg at 7:44 PM on May 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Children will require me to simply put my needs aside a lot of the time, and while I'm more than happy to do that I'm not sure I would cope with the consequences of missing out on quiet time alone, not to mention sleep, i.e. the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak! Yeah, no -- no quiet time you can impulsively take when your mood fluctuates. How much you get depends on your husband and how much you give each other breaks in childcare or other support systems. If you say "Hey honey, I need to go curl up in a ball for a day -- can you take the kid and keep it quiet/gone etc.?" If he can and will and wants to do it, fine.
I grew up with a mother who suffered from clinical anxiety and a severe temper; consequently I had a heap of emotional issues and anxieties myself which took years to work through. I am scared I would do the same thing to my own child. It's possible. I was depressed before kids and having them brought out a tremendous amount of misdirected anger. It's not fair on them (like it wasn't fair on you).
I don't sugarcoat my ability to be a parent. I'm bad at it and should (most likely) never have done it. It's multiplied my mental health issues far beyond what I expected. I work really, really hard every day (except for the curl-up-in-a-ball days) to be sane and loving and let them know it's not them. That's is something in my head that I take meds for. I have an unbelievably great husband who really wanted kids. I wanted to have kids with him. He's strong for me when I need it and always a great father. These are mentally and physically healthy kids (age 7 and 9). I disagree that if you're thoughtful enough to be concerned now, you are likely to be better at doing it. Be concerned. Really understand what you want. Then think about it again.
posted by bluemoonegg at 7:44 PM on May 12, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Well, I have suffered from clinical depression for 20 years. I am a mom to a delightful (if high maintenance) three year old.
When we decided to try and get pregnant, I was pretty afraid of how I was going to do. I was 38, so I knew that I was waiting until the last possible second to try parenthood. I created a support system and plan. Saw a specialist in pregnancy and depression before attempting to change meds, etc. (Laura Miller at UIC in Chicago) It was an incredibly supportive experience. She helped me to make the decision to switch to Zoloft and stay on a low dose during my pregnancy and postpartum. Turns out that a depressed pregnant woman can negatively affect the health of the baby. So, given the choice, I chose the Zoloft. YMMV.
My husband was on board, my OB/Gyn knew what was up and got in touch with my meds doc, etc. I got pregnant. And had perinatal depression during my first trimester which was completely unexpected and made me wonder if I had made a terrible decision. Turns out depression during the first trimester is pretty common but no one talks about it because you are supposed to be so happy. Um, yeah. Second and third trimesters were, frankly, amazing. I loved being pregnant and no one was more surprised than I was. Delivery was fairly uneventful and my daughter was gorgeous. :) The sleep deprivation was simply awful, but we had anticipated PPD and my mom was in residence for the first few weeks to take over whenever I needed to get more sleep. That was pretty key. And not having a break in my meds meant that I was spared the PPD.
She's three now and I can honestly say that I have never, ever, ever regretted having her. She's awesome. Funny and touching and sweet and pretty damn cool.
My mom had untreated depression when she was raising us and it was pretty awful. I was the first person in my entire extended family to "come out" publicly about my depression. Where my mother (and therefore, we) suffered in silence, I am not silent, I ask for help immediately, I know my limits, I use family and friends and sympathetic babysitters. I take my meds religiously, I pace myself. I even think that I am more patient and understanding with my daughter and her toddler moods because of my own experience. My husband is supportive and helps me to get my daily breaks...naps make that possible too. Is it seamlessly easy? No. But even parents without a chronic health disorder struggle sometimes.
The upside? All of this affectionate snuggling and touching and interaction has been pretty awesome for my moods. Plus, omg, the laughing. Parenthood can be damn funny if you don't take every little thing so seriously and the laughing is really good medicine. She likes to do yoga with me as well (big bonus!)
Do NOT consider taking care of someone else's kids as a measure of whether you will enjoy being a parent. Such a big difference. (See my previous comments here.)
Everyone who suffers from depression is different. Every situation will be different. The most helpful thing that you can do for yourself is to build a support system and get informed opinions from doctors who treat depression in pregnant women. And be gentle with yourself. If you decide not to pursue parenthood, that should be okay, too.
posted by jeanmari at 8:36 PM on May 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
When we decided to try and get pregnant, I was pretty afraid of how I was going to do. I was 38, so I knew that I was waiting until the last possible second to try parenthood. I created a support system and plan. Saw a specialist in pregnancy and depression before attempting to change meds, etc. (Laura Miller at UIC in Chicago) It was an incredibly supportive experience. She helped me to make the decision to switch to Zoloft and stay on a low dose during my pregnancy and postpartum. Turns out that a depressed pregnant woman can negatively affect the health of the baby. So, given the choice, I chose the Zoloft. YMMV.
My husband was on board, my OB/Gyn knew what was up and got in touch with my meds doc, etc. I got pregnant. And had perinatal depression during my first trimester which was completely unexpected and made me wonder if I had made a terrible decision. Turns out depression during the first trimester is pretty common but no one talks about it because you are supposed to be so happy. Um, yeah. Second and third trimesters were, frankly, amazing. I loved being pregnant and no one was more surprised than I was. Delivery was fairly uneventful and my daughter was gorgeous. :) The sleep deprivation was simply awful, but we had anticipated PPD and my mom was in residence for the first few weeks to take over whenever I needed to get more sleep. That was pretty key. And not having a break in my meds meant that I was spared the PPD.
She's three now and I can honestly say that I have never, ever, ever regretted having her. She's awesome. Funny and touching and sweet and pretty damn cool.
My mom had untreated depression when she was raising us and it was pretty awful. I was the first person in my entire extended family to "come out" publicly about my depression. Where my mother (and therefore, we) suffered in silence, I am not silent, I ask for help immediately, I know my limits, I use family and friends and sympathetic babysitters. I take my meds religiously, I pace myself. I even think that I am more patient and understanding with my daughter and her toddler moods because of my own experience. My husband is supportive and helps me to get my daily breaks...naps make that possible too. Is it seamlessly easy? No. But even parents without a chronic health disorder struggle sometimes.
The upside? All of this affectionate snuggling and touching and interaction has been pretty awesome for my moods. Plus, omg, the laughing. Parenthood can be damn funny if you don't take every little thing so seriously and the laughing is really good medicine. She likes to do yoga with me as well (big bonus!)
Do NOT consider taking care of someone else's kids as a measure of whether you will enjoy being a parent. Such a big difference. (See my previous comments here.)
Everyone who suffers from depression is different. Every situation will be different. The most helpful thing that you can do for yourself is to build a support system and get informed opinions from doctors who treat depression in pregnant women. And be gentle with yourself. If you decide not to pursue parenthood, that should be okay, too.
posted by jeanmari at 8:36 PM on May 12, 2009 [6 favorites]
I am the adult child of a woman with inadequately medicated bipolar disorder. If my mother had asked this question 30+ years ago, I would hope that people would have told her no, that she shouldn't have children.
My mother loves me and I love her, but I didn't have much of a childhood because of her disease.
Your situation is not the same, you seem to be medicated appropriately and aware of what's going on, but if you feel that you're just making it now, kids could be the catalyst for you not making it at all.
I think that if you do decide this is the right call for you, you need to have a ton of support with whom you can be honest about your day to day mental state.
posted by crankylex at 8:38 PM on May 12, 2009
My mother loves me and I love her, but I didn't have much of a childhood because of her disease.
Your situation is not the same, you seem to be medicated appropriately and aware of what's going on, but if you feel that you're just making it now, kids could be the catalyst for you not making it at all.
I think that if you do decide this is the right call for you, you need to have a ton of support with whom you can be honest about your day to day mental state.
posted by crankylex at 8:38 PM on May 12, 2009
Do NOT consider taking care of someone else's kids as a measure of whether you will enjoy being a parent. Such a big difference.
As a parent to someone else's kids, I fully agree. Parenting != extended babysitting.
posted by flabdablet at 9:09 PM on May 12, 2009
As a parent to someone else's kids, I fully agree. Parenting != extended babysitting.
posted by flabdablet at 9:09 PM on May 12, 2009
My wife was diagnosed with depression and we have 3 terrific kids. From the day they were born she has been a great mother, always finding time and patience. I must add that there were times when she could not just get out of bed and deal and during those times I stepped to the plate and dealt. Quite frankly, there are times when I just did not want to deal with 3 screaming ying yangs either. She would take them for the afternoon to give me downtime. THe key to this is your husband and his willingness to take charge when you need alone time and your willingness to do the same for him.
If you want to have children, then go for it knowing that both you and your husband will have to make certain concessions for each other.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:46 PM on May 12, 2009
If you want to have children, then go for it knowing that both you and your husband will have to make certain concessions for each other.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 9:46 PM on May 12, 2009
Best answer: Hello, Katala. I am the daughter of a woman who becomes severely depressed fairly often (she’s suicidal and in hospital at the moment actually, I made an AskMe post myself about it recently).
I am a happy person and very glad to be alive! So I am grateful that my mother decided to have children (her illness was not diagnosed until I was about 10 though she had been mentally ill since I was 7 (and physically ill since I was about 3)).
However her illnesses definitely blighted my childhood and that of my sisters. The physical illness played a part (many short hospitalisations from Crohn’s Disease) but the depression was by far the main thing.
As I look back I think the worst thing of all was the lack of joy. I have 4 children of my own and they are an endless joy to me, and have been since the day of their births. I don’t know if my mother ever had a single day of joy from her children but if she did it was long before I remember. Even in the long stretches of time when she was officially normal – not in hospital, not taking any antidepressants or seeing a doctor – she was grim. ‘Just coping’ was the best state she ever reached. She couldn’t offer any emotional support. ‘Don’t tell me your problems, I have enough of my own,’ she would say. There were no hugs – she claimed this was because her breasts were painful. Even sitting too close to her would hurt, she said. This problem cleared up when we were too old to expect hugs. As you can tell, I think this was an excuse.
For some reason, she thinks she was a wonderful mother. Over and over again over the years she has announced ‘It’s time for me to stop putting other people first and think of myself.’ Presumably the day to day things which to me seem obviously conducive to my own happiness – getting my children dressed and fed, listening to them, teaching them – were a terrible imposition to her.
I would talk very seriously to your husband before you have any children. If he is very eager to be a father and prepared to offer enough love and attention for both of you then that would probably make up for your own lack of interest. My own Dad was of the opinion that fathers bring in the money and mothers deal with the children. They divorced when I was 12 and even though he saw us regularly and never missed a visit, he didn’t offer much emotionally to make up for my mother. I have told my own husband that if I ever get depressed he is to divorce me and keep custody of the children. Fortunately, I have never even had a touch of ‘baby blues’.
No one can tell how you would react to having children. You might find it all wonderful, but you did ask for people’s own stories, and the above is my experience.
posted by tulipwool at 2:39 AM on May 13, 2009
I am a happy person and very glad to be alive! So I am grateful that my mother decided to have children (her illness was not diagnosed until I was about 10 though she had been mentally ill since I was 7 (and physically ill since I was about 3)).
However her illnesses definitely blighted my childhood and that of my sisters. The physical illness played a part (many short hospitalisations from Crohn’s Disease) but the depression was by far the main thing.
As I look back I think the worst thing of all was the lack of joy. I have 4 children of my own and they are an endless joy to me, and have been since the day of their births. I don’t know if my mother ever had a single day of joy from her children but if she did it was long before I remember. Even in the long stretches of time when she was officially normal – not in hospital, not taking any antidepressants or seeing a doctor – she was grim. ‘Just coping’ was the best state she ever reached. She couldn’t offer any emotional support. ‘Don’t tell me your problems, I have enough of my own,’ she would say. There were no hugs – she claimed this was because her breasts were painful. Even sitting too close to her would hurt, she said. This problem cleared up when we were too old to expect hugs. As you can tell, I think this was an excuse.
For some reason, she thinks she was a wonderful mother. Over and over again over the years she has announced ‘It’s time for me to stop putting other people first and think of myself.’ Presumably the day to day things which to me seem obviously conducive to my own happiness – getting my children dressed and fed, listening to them, teaching them – were a terrible imposition to her.
I would talk very seriously to your husband before you have any children. If he is very eager to be a father and prepared to offer enough love and attention for both of you then that would probably make up for your own lack of interest. My own Dad was of the opinion that fathers bring in the money and mothers deal with the children. They divorced when I was 12 and even though he saw us regularly and never missed a visit, he didn’t offer much emotionally to make up for my mother. I have told my own husband that if I ever get depressed he is to divorce me and keep custody of the children. Fortunately, I have never even had a touch of ‘baby blues’.
No one can tell how you would react to having children. You might find it all wonderful, but you did ask for people’s own stories, and the above is my experience.
posted by tulipwool at 2:39 AM on May 13, 2009
Best answer: Speaking as an ex-depressive who now has a kid: no, don't do this. Wait until you're further out of the woods. You will get the complete opposite of "lots of quiet time to myself, a very predictable routine, and the ability to just curl up in a ball and hide away from the world for a day when I need to" with a little kid. Nth don't expect babysitting to offer a preview. Even with good support, mothering is a 24/7 job.
I do nice work now but I would've been a lousy mother depressed, and subsequently even more depressed over being a lousy mother. You just don't get to stay in bed or do any of the other self-indulgent things that keep you going when you're depressed, and young children require incredible reserves of patience and good cheer. The sleep deprivation alone is enough to provoke a bit of depression in even the non-depressed, too.
That you are working &c is good; it sounds like you're on the upswing, so just chill for now and think about this again in a few more years.
posted by kmennie at 8:05 AM on May 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I do nice work now but I would've been a lousy mother depressed, and subsequently even more depressed over being a lousy mother. You just don't get to stay in bed or do any of the other self-indulgent things that keep you going when you're depressed, and young children require incredible reserves of patience and good cheer. The sleep deprivation alone is enough to provoke a bit of depression in even the non-depressed, too.
That you are working &c is good; it sounds like you're on the upswing, so just chill for now and think about this again in a few more years.
posted by kmennie at 8:05 AM on May 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Not everyone should have children. No one should feel pressured to have children.
My mom was financially, emotionally, and mentally unprepared for the stress of taking care of three small children all by herself. She wasn't a horrible mother. I have no sob stories. However, as a child, I was always painfully aware that my mom would have been better off if I hadn't been born, having been matter-of-factly been informed that she wished she'd had three abortions.
She's doing a lot better now that we're older, and we get along just fine, but when I look back I don't blame, only pity. She shouldn't have had three children, if any. I'm glad I'm here, and all, but I can see her being a lot happier childless.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:57 AM on May 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
My mom was financially, emotionally, and mentally unprepared for the stress of taking care of three small children all by herself. She wasn't a horrible mother. I have no sob stories. However, as a child, I was always painfully aware that my mom would have been better off if I hadn't been born, having been matter-of-factly been informed that she wished she'd had three abortions.
She's doing a lot better now that we're older, and we get along just fine, but when I look back I don't blame, only pity. She shouldn't have had three children, if any. I'm glad I'm here, and all, but I can see her being a lot happier childless.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:57 AM on May 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
Read/listen to this story on maternal depression. It's mostly about the issues of depression meds, and what the effects are versus not being on meds and the harm from the depression itself. There are also a few bits on the personal issues involved.
Good luck.
posted by ericc at 1:43 PM on May 13, 2009
Good luck.
posted by ericc at 1:43 PM on May 13, 2009
Best answer: If I were you, I would also specifically seek out the opinions of adults who had depressed parents who were undergoing treatment during their childhood. Obviously, having a depressed parent who is not managing their illness is going to have a seriously negative effect on the kid, but the real issue is the effect if you're able to manage the illness. It is also a sad fact that depressed parents aren't really going to have a good idea about the effect their illness had on their children until the children are adults and can speak for themselves.
posted by Anonymous at 3:39 PM on May 13, 2009
posted by Anonymous at 3:39 PM on May 13, 2009
Best answer: There is a wonderful book about being a mother with depression called The Ghost in the House. If I were you, I'd read that first.
You've identified the problem. The needs of small children and the needs of depressed parents are in direct conflict. There will be times--more than you realize--when your needs will not be met. How resilient are you? How much of yourself are you willing to give up?
For me, it has been rough. My husband was not as supportive as I thought he'd be. My kids, teenagers now, have issues of their own (ADHD, learning disabilities) which have added to our stress. It saddens me that my children have grown up in such a tense, unhappy household.
If I had it to do over again, would I do it? I wish the answer were different, but honestly, no, I wouldn't.
I love my children, and I would lay down my life for them. But sometimes I feel like I already have.
posted by FoHockney at 3:41 PM on May 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
You've identified the problem. The needs of small children and the needs of depressed parents are in direct conflict. There will be times--more than you realize--when your needs will not be met. How resilient are you? How much of yourself are you willing to give up?
For me, it has been rough. My husband was not as supportive as I thought he'd be. My kids, teenagers now, have issues of their own (ADHD, learning disabilities) which have added to our stress. It saddens me that my children have grown up in such a tense, unhappy household.
If I had it to do over again, would I do it? I wish the answer were different, but honestly, no, I wouldn't.
I love my children, and I would lay down my life for them. But sometimes I feel like I already have.
posted by FoHockney at 3:41 PM on May 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Well, look. If this person doesn't like to be around kids in the first place, then I think that could be a pretty good indication that she might not be ready to be a parent. Babysitting is obviously not exactly like being a parent, but it sounds to me as if this person is talking about children in a rather abstract way. She and her husband could use the experience of being around kids as one element in their decision making. I've seen a lot of people who talk about wanting to be a parent, as if it's one more life thing to check off the list, but can't stand being around kids -- they frequently turn out to be rather poor parents, or else they become obsessed that they are the best parents ever and no one else can come close. This woman needs to be around a screaming baby for a few minutes and then watch as she calms it down and it coos and smiles. If she doesn't like the complete experience, then I don't think she's quite ready to be a parent yet.
posted by JadeBlue at 5:22 PM on May 13, 2009
posted by JadeBlue at 5:22 PM on May 13, 2009
Best answer: Thank you all for the very helpful comments! I will definately check out that book - "The Ghost in the House".
You've given me a lot to think about, and never fear, this is not a decision I will even *slightly* be rushing into.
Thanks again very much!
Katala
posted by katala at 2:22 AM on May 14, 2009
You've given me a lot to think about, and never fear, this is not a decision I will even *slightly* be rushing into.
Thanks again very much!
Katala
posted by katala at 2:22 AM on May 14, 2009
The article that ericc posted nails it for me in my experience. I was hyper-aware of my moods and very determined to get as much support as possible so that my affect would not influence my daughter negatively.
Here is the specific part of that article that really gets to the heart of the matter:
But forgoing treatment could mean exposing a baby to depression in his or her first crucial relationship.
Ed Tronick, a developmental psychologist at Harvard University, has spent 30 years filming the moment-by-moment interactions between mother and baby.
Tronick narrates a video: "The mother is reaching to take the baby's hand and the baby's pulling her hand away. Now here's a smile, and but when she smiles, the baby's looking away so she goes flat again. It's almost like she gives up on the interaction."
The baby cries and the mother tries to soothe the child.
Over time, the missteps add up. Tronick says the baby displays sadness and irritability and starts to take on the mother's depressed affect. He says he's come to see depression as a communicable disease, transferred by a mother's communication to her baby.
Amy Newell, a 29 year old mother in Brookline, Massachusetts is trying to spare her one-year old son Ari her history of depression. She's concerned about his vulnerability to what she calls the black hole of depression so she's vigilant about taking care of her own mental health.
"Every mood that I have," says Newell, "Ari gets to share. I don't think that means that I have to be happy all the time, but I means that I have to model good management of my moods. And I try to plan for what would I do if I had a major depressive episode again because obviously my first priority would be to insulate Ari as much as possible from the effects of that."
The one area that concerns me in your posting history is that you suggest that you aren't that interested in developing and maintaining friendships (?) I could have totally mis-read that, and I apologize if I interpreted that incorrectly. Friendships with other mothers were pretty critical for me, especially in the first 2 years. Caring for a small baby and then a toddler is a bit isolating. I needed the affirmation from other moms that I was doing fine, that my feelings were normal. I needed to watch them model "mom behavior" that allowed me to "fake it 'til I make it" on some days. And my daughter needed to have interpersonal interactions on an almost daily basis with adults and children other than myself so I didn't feel like I was the only one in her immediate sphere to be providing her with interaction. I think that this support system was pretty critical to my good mental health as a mom. I met some women in the park who had babies close in age to my daughter, as well as in pre-natal yoga and during some "baby and me" classes.
The other thing that I had to be very aware of was my use of television and the computer. When I was feeling overtired, especially in those first few months of sleep deprivation, I was so tempted to get on the computer, even when she was awake, and just escape. I REALLY had to resist this and go for walks with her and play with her and hang out around other moms and babies because my use of the computer or television was like ignoring her which is really hurtful to a baby's emotional development. You might need to rethink how you recharge yourself during a depressive episode or make very, very sure that you have family or a spouse who can take over during the those times.
You seem very self-aware and I think that is a very positive thing. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by jeanmari at 7:08 AM on May 14, 2009
Here is the specific part of that article that really gets to the heart of the matter:
But forgoing treatment could mean exposing a baby to depression in his or her first crucial relationship.
Ed Tronick, a developmental psychologist at Harvard University, has spent 30 years filming the moment-by-moment interactions between mother and baby.
Tronick narrates a video: "The mother is reaching to take the baby's hand and the baby's pulling her hand away. Now here's a smile, and but when she smiles, the baby's looking away so she goes flat again. It's almost like she gives up on the interaction."
The baby cries and the mother tries to soothe the child.
Over time, the missteps add up. Tronick says the baby displays sadness and irritability and starts to take on the mother's depressed affect. He says he's come to see depression as a communicable disease, transferred by a mother's communication to her baby.
Amy Newell, a 29 year old mother in Brookline, Massachusetts is trying to spare her one-year old son Ari her history of depression. She's concerned about his vulnerability to what she calls the black hole of depression so she's vigilant about taking care of her own mental health.
"Every mood that I have," says Newell, "Ari gets to share. I don't think that means that I have to be happy all the time, but I means that I have to model good management of my moods. And I try to plan for what would I do if I had a major depressive episode again because obviously my first priority would be to insulate Ari as much as possible from the effects of that."
The one area that concerns me in your posting history is that you suggest that you aren't that interested in developing and maintaining friendships (?) I could have totally mis-read that, and I apologize if I interpreted that incorrectly. Friendships with other mothers were pretty critical for me, especially in the first 2 years. Caring for a small baby and then a toddler is a bit isolating. I needed the affirmation from other moms that I was doing fine, that my feelings were normal. I needed to watch them model "mom behavior" that allowed me to "fake it 'til I make it" on some days. And my daughter needed to have interpersonal interactions on an almost daily basis with adults and children other than myself so I didn't feel like I was the only one in her immediate sphere to be providing her with interaction. I think that this support system was pretty critical to my good mental health as a mom. I met some women in the park who had babies close in age to my daughter, as well as in pre-natal yoga and during some "baby and me" classes.
The other thing that I had to be very aware of was my use of television and the computer. When I was feeling overtired, especially in those first few months of sleep deprivation, I was so tempted to get on the computer, even when she was awake, and just escape. I REALLY had to resist this and go for walks with her and play with her and hang out around other moms and babies because my use of the computer or television was like ignoring her which is really hurtful to a baby's emotional development. You might need to rethink how you recharge yourself during a depressive episode or make very, very sure that you have family or a spouse who can take over during the those times.
You seem very self-aware and I think that is a very positive thing. Be gentle with yourself.
posted by jeanmari at 7:08 AM on May 14, 2009
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Anonymous at 4:55 PM on May 12, 2009