Stove Top Lovin

May 7, 2009 7:24 PM

Lovely much loved wife has major mental lapse: she leaves the stove/oven on almost daily. What methods can we use to break this potentially disastrous habit?

Perhaps 6 days of the week, I wake up (she wakes earlier than me), or I return home noticing a certain burning smell, a quick investigation of which reveals the stove is left on. She will heat up oatmeal or tea in the morning, then take the pot or kettle off (or not) and neglect to turn the stove off. She is a grad student with an irregular schedule. I love her very much, but my consternation over this lapse in attention leads to argument, only adding to the problem. I have tried leaving notes in the kitchen and on her desk, which she takes down, then leaves the stove on the next day. Some days she will leave the stove on, we will discuss it, and an hour later she will do it again. I am fairly certain this isn't an attention ploy. We are both adults in our thirties, have been together for 5 years, and are way beyond such silliness -though not all silliness... I think this relates more to stress causing mental blackouts as it were.

My main concern is not to die in a house fire. My second concern is further problems resulting from whatever is causing this lapse in attention. This has happened on and off for our entire relationship, but in the last year (her third in grad school) it has become almost a daily addiction. She has destroyed two pots already, and made me very nervous about leaving the house while she is there. Luckily we only have an electric stove, but we will be moving to a place with a gas range soon (gas is better for stove cooking imho). This prospect, though great for my cooking, makes me even more nervous about this "habit". Any and all suggestions are immensely appreciated.

posted by anonymous to human relations (64 comments total)

Leave a sign on the front door saying, in big block letters, "DID YOU LEAVE THE STOVE ON?".
posted by stavrogin at 7:31 PM on May 7 [4 favorites]

Well, although it doesn't solve the root cause of the problem, perhaps this technological solution, or something like it, might address the "not dying in a house fire" portion of the issue?
posted by FishBike at 7:31 PM on May 7 [2 favorites]

Is she only using the stove to make hot water? I'd recommend an electric kettle with an automatic turn off. It's probably cheaper in terms of energy use, too.
posted by telegraph at 7:35 PM on May 7 [17 favorites]

Do you have a microwave oven, where it would be possible for her to heat up just a mug (or bowl) of water or milk for her tea and oatmeal? It seems to me that the easiest way to keep the stove from being left on would be for her not to use it.

Secondly, no matter how much stress she is under, this seems like a major lapse in memory, to the point where, if I were your wife, I'd be worried about it myself. Has she considered visiting her doctor about this?
posted by misha at 7:35 PM on May 7 [4 favorites]

Uh, is she not concerned that she's risking killing herself or killing you? She takes the notes down and you argue about this "lapse in attention"? She's doing it almost daily - and sometimes an hour after you've talked about it? This isn't a "lapse in attention" - there is something wayyyyy more going on here. Worth talking to someone about it. Good luck. And get a good smoke detector.
posted by meerkatty at 7:36 PM on May 7 [8 favorites]

Paint the knob a bright colour? Permanently glue or tape someting incongruous (wooden spoon?) to it?
posted by fire&wings at 7:36 PM on May 7

Quick fix until you guys can delve deeper into what is causing it. I find it much much quicker than stovetop (takes about a minute to get tea or oatmeal water) and it automatically shuts off.
posted by silkygreenbelly at 7:36 PM on May 7

An electric kettle will help with the cup-of-tea issue. They're fast and convenient and round here we can't live without them.
posted by slightlybewildered at 7:37 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

At the risk of sounding like her mother - if she can't use the stove safely then she doesn't get to use the stove at all. Obviously you can't tell her what to do, but if I were her and knew that I was that scatterbrained in the morning, I'd make the rule for myself - especially since tea and instant oatmeal can be prepared using an electric kettle or the microwave. What does she think about this? Does she appreciate how dangerous it is?
posted by moxiedoll at 7:39 PM on May 7 [6 favorites]

Can't you talk to her mother or her friend about it? Perhaps some outside perspective will help solve this problem.

As others have noted, there may be some deeper issues going on. It's pretty obvious that her "habit" is quite dangerous, and any "normal" person would quick alter their own behaviour. So it seems that you've hit a dead wall in terms of being able to influence what she does.
posted by KokuRyu at 7:44 PM on May 7

I know this is totally not your fault and so you shouldn't have to bear the burden of fixing it, but since you could very well be the one killed by it, if I were you, I would get up and make her breakfast (or watch her make breakfast). If she's not adult enough to stop using the stove when she can't use the stove safely, then she needs to be supervised while using the stove.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:45 PM on May 7

I used to have this problem, and still do occassionally, stemming from leaving dinner on low until we were ready to eat. I also have a problem with leaving my hair straightener on all day.

We solved the stove problem by having Mr. Messylissa asking me every time I cooked if I turned things off. After 20 times, I started to internalize the need to check. As far as the straightener, I asked him to check before he leaves the house, to help me out, and to tell me every time he has to turn it off for me. The guilt has started to weigh on me, causing me to remember to check, too.

As far as what's behind it? She's a grad student, and likely is thinking of 15 other things while idly making herself something to eat.
posted by messylissa at 7:46 PM on May 7 [2 favorites]

I tend to forget to turn on the dishwasher when I leave, and my favorite trick is to put something on the front door. A post-it note or something taped to the door handle usually works, but if it were REALLY important, like a stove, I'd actually put something on the door that prevented me from opening it as a reminder. I might tape a piece of paper over the doorknob that says "STOVE" (like stavrogin suggests) - but I'd tape it so she had to remove the paper to actually leave the house, and thus (theoretically at least) go check the stove before she left.

Nthing the electric kettles suggestion. Note that while most models shut off automatically, there are a couple out there that don't; obviously, you want to make sure to get one that does have an automatic shut-off.
posted by insectosaurus at 7:47 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

I lived with a grad student once. In terms of mental problems brought on by the stress and lifestyle and general brain-frying, this problem sounds tame.

I say this only to calm your worries a little. I don't know how to keep the house unburned. An electric kettle or microwave sounds smart, indeed.
posted by rokusan at 7:48 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

Speaking from experience with a partner who habitually left his keys in the door when he'd come home...

- Put a post-it above the oven: "TURN ME OFF WHEN YOU'RE DONE."
- Put another post-it on the front door: "DID YOU TURN THE OVEN OFF?"

It will become habit soon enough. (And if it doesn't, I would wonder if that would indicate some sort of cognitive disorder for which she might need a professional to evaluate her?)
posted by scody at 7:51 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

Each time she turns the stove on, have her set a kitchen timer for 15 minutes. The timer going off will be a reminder for her to make sure the burners are all off.
posted by kitty teeth at 8:05 PM on May 7 [2 favorites]

immediate solution: you might insert a timered outlet between the stove and the wall outlet (make sure to find one that supports the stove wattage!), so that, no matter what, power to the stove is cut off at - say - 8am, or at whatever time breakfast is usually ready and the stove is no longer needed.

With regard to the gas range, you should get one with thermocouple-driven cutoff valves for the fires (every model in EU is like that, don't know about the US) AND a wall mounted gas/fumes alarm (for the gas which is taken care of by the thermocouples anyway, but mostly to ring the alarm if there's something burning on an open flame).

I wouldn't worry too much about attention lapses, which are probably, as you point out, related to stress*. On the other hand, I think sustained stress that causes this much of a problem should really be kept under control and I would consult a doctor about this.

*which is why I don't think the "educative" solutions, such as post-it notes and so on would work very well.
posted by _dario at 8:20 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

Maybe add in a deadman switch that she has to hold down in order to get power to the stove.

Maybe hide all but one stove knob. Fasten that stove knob to her keys or purse.

I'd probably get an auto-off electric kettle for tea & oatmeal and then unplug the stove.
posted by chazlarson at 8:37 PM on May 7 [4 favorites]

Is there a place very near the stove where you can put a hook? If so, and you'll probably have to help her on this, see if you can't get her to hang her keys on that hook. She can't leave without going to the stove first, and hopefully that would remind her to check that it's off. Or, on preview, chazlarson's idea about the stove knobs.

Also, nthing the eletric kettle. I love mine and never use the stove to heat up water anymore.
posted by dogmom at 8:39 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

I thought the idea of an electric kettle was silly until the day I set an oven mitt on fire while heating up water for tea and had left the room for a minute. An hour later I went out and bought this electric kettle and now I couldn't live without it. It's quick, it's easy, it won't burn your house down.

However, she's going to have to use the stove for other items aside from water, so you still will need to solve the root problem. I'd suggest quietly observing her in the kitchen a couple times to see what her current "stove habits" are and where she can make a change. It could be something as simple as being sure to shut off the burner before removing the pot/pan/kettle from the stove instead of after, when she's distracted by other things.
posted by platinum at 8:51 PM on May 7

I also support the electric kettle idea, but as someone who is totally paranoid about leaving the stove on, I do two things:

* Leaving the house checklist: Whenever I leave the apartment, I ask myself if the AC/heat is on, and if the stove is on.

* Whenever I turn on the stove top, I turn on the exhaust fan and the stove light. The whirring of the fan is annoying enough that I'll go there to turn it off. Presumably, were the stove to be on, I would then notice.
posted by Comrade_robot at 8:52 PM on May 7

I'm with moxiedoll ("if she can't use the stove safely then she doesn't get to use the stove at all"). Whatever the cause may be, the symptom is an immediate, pressing, and utterly serious danger to you, to her, and (depending on your living situation) to your neighbors.

Frankly, I would consider actually uninstalling it. You can live without a stove and an oven. Given your wife's behavior, you won't necessarily live with them.
posted by Flunkie at 8:59 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

No. Since trying to break the old habit has not worked, she needs to form a NEW habit to compensate.

Every time she turns the stove on, have her set a kitchen timer for 15 minutes.

When it dings, she checks the stove. Every time.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:06 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

I will add to the chorus recommending an electric kettle with auto shut-off.

When a behavior is this entrenched, you will likely have little success in some small alteration changing her behavior. Drastic change, like not using the oven and instead only using an electric kettle or the microwave, is really the only solution. Seriously. I've had habits I've tried numerous ways to change, and the only real fix is not doing the same thing again and again hoping for a different outcome, but doing something entirely different to get a different outcome. If that makes sense.

Maybe after a long break she can go back to trying the oven if absolutely necessarily, but not for a good long time.
posted by JenMarie at 9:13 PM on May 7

Tie a long string to the stove. Put a clothespin on the end of it. When she turns on the stove, she attaches the clothespin to her clothes. She won't be able to leave the kitchen without noticing the clothespin getting yanked off, which ought to remind her to turn the dang stove off. It's like a kill switch.
posted by PhatLobley at 9:15 PM on May 7

If the memory lapses are related to stress she should see a therapist and/or try another stress management strategy. Because it's not right that she should be suffering from stress and having to set a kitchen timer or use an electric kettle rather than managing her stress. She deserves it and I feel for her. I have forgotten MANY things due to anxiety. Strings and timers don't fix.
posted by sweetkid at 9:20 PM on May 7

If Messylissa is right and it's just about a full mind and not giving what she's doing her full attention, then the note on the stove needs to say FOCUS! She needs to practice thinking of cooking when she's cooking, until the cooking is done and the stove is off. She needs to force herself not to think of the 1000 other things and keep thinking, "Nope, not now. Cooking."

When my mind is on other things, I'm the same way. Most alarmingly, I become a total spaz driving - running stop signs, treating red lights like stop signs, missing turns, etc. When I notice that, I have to mentally say, "Stop! FOCUS on what you're doing."

If it isn't a focus problem, it's something else, but you have to find out what. The timer trick may work for the stove, but I doubt it's just the stove. The corrective action needs to address the root cause, not (or as well as) the symptom.
posted by ctmf at 9:26 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

Does she realize how serious this is? Either way, if she's not capable of using the stove unsupervised--and obviously she isn't--then she needs to be treated like a kid and banned from using it.
posted by smorange at 9:44 PM on May 7 [2 favorites]

Is she interested in breaking this "bad habit"? Or are you the only one interested in seeing it stop? This sounds scary to me. You don't indicate that she's bothered by this. You clearly are, and rightly so. If I did this even once, I'd be pretty horrified and chastened by my mistake. For her to do it repeatedly, sometimes an hour after you've discussed, seems to indicate either a cognitive issue, a frightening lack of interest in her own well-being as well as yours, or a deliberate attempt to provoke you. I'm not sure that grad school cuts it as a reasonable excuse ... I know that it's very difficult but this is not normal forgetful behavior. Come on ... nail biting is a bad habit. This is something a lot more ominous. The potential consequences of this particular "lapse" should be terrifying enough to her to get her to care about dealing with this. Do a little digging and see if you can figure out what's really going on. The alarm sounded in many of these responses should hopefully be a wake-up call to both of you.
posted by Kangaroo at 10:10 PM on May 7 [10 favorites]

Use a wire to tether the kettle to the stove, so she has to make tea standing right at the stove- no more wandering away with a pot or kettle to fix a snack at the counter or table. Get a small pitcher to carry water from the sink to the stove if necessary. Hopefully putting the kettle or pot back onto the stove it's tied to will prompt her to notice that the burner's still on.
Put a smoke detector RIGHT OVER the stove, too, so it beeps when the burner's on and annoys her.
That habit would drive me MENTAL, by the way. Don't feel any pressure to be gentle or tolerant about this; repeatedly leaving the stove on is unacceptable.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 10:24 PM on May 7

To respond to those recommending a technological reminder as a solution: as discussed to extreme length in this meta, (the slippers are subject to memory lapse!) it's inadequate in cases where failure would be catastrophic.

As sweetkid says, strings and timers are not going to give either of you peace of mind.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 10:30 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

Without addressing the question of whether the stove is just the stove, could a cell phone alarm set for 5 minutes before she leaves the house help. With the absolute, agreed-upon rule that when the alarm goes off she goes and looks at the stove?

Alternatively, could you install a keyhook on the wall above the stove? So that you have to walk there and lean over the stove in order to leave?
posted by mercredi at 10:58 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

(assuming you have an electric stove ... ) what you need is a flashing light above the stove which is only activated when the stove is drawing significant current.

Difficult not to notice that.

Unfortunately I will have to leave it to another mefite to design a circuitboard for this.
posted by jannw at 11:16 PM on May 7

As someone who is perennially absent-minded, I think the electric tea kettle and putting a note on the door reminding her to check are good. The key is getting her to agree that having the house burn down would be bad, and even though it's not probable that the house would burn down due to her actions, the potential downside is SO bad that the hassle of checking ALL THE TIME (which is what I, as an airhead, have to do) is worth. I mean, sometimes I seriously compare how much I don't want to check the grill against how much it would suck if everything I owned was lost in a fire. I actually feel somewhat vindicated when I find I left something on. Which is weird, but, whatever, I don't want my house to burn down.

Something that has been helpful for me has been to live with someone who is an emergency dispatcher - I take her a lot more seriously when she asks me whether I turned off the gas on the grill than I would anyone else, since she gets every call about it in our county. It sounds like you're not in the US, but let me know if you would like to get some info about house fires from her.
posted by smartyboots at 11:23 PM on May 7 [1 favorite]

we will be moving to a place with a gas range soon

I think she'll be much less likely to leave a gas range on — it's harder to ignore blue fire than it is slightly ruddy metal.
posted by nicwolff at 11:39 PM on May 7

Stress makes me space out on routine tasks when I don't normally forget things. It seems to me that since her stress has escalated, she may have some negative thought patterns compounding the pattern. When I get that stressed I demand that I slow down at those junctures (ie, the locked door) and focus on each detail slowly and calmly. It actually helps me relieve the stress as a sort of meditation and I haven't locked myself out again for a very long time. My mother, by contrast, frets and frets and frets about aging and Alzheimer's until she can't focus. So I'm just suggesting that the mediation practice might help relieve what seem like several stress areas, relationship, fire, studying.

I'm making a couple of animated films, and one is about inanimate objects ganging up on the protagonist during a stressful situation. It certainly seems that way sometimes but it's really connected to our own tension. Your wife might find that approach calming rather than adding to stress. She might take the notes down because they add to her stress. Text really stresses me out if I have to see it all the time, so I minimize it. Anyway, I hope it's an interesting possibility and I hope you get the situation resolved so you are both happy.
posted by effluvia at 11:44 PM on May 7

I agree with nicwolff. There's something in the reptilian part of the brain that responds to actual fire quite differently than to a dull or nonexistent glow.

To be on the safe side, though, you should arrange your new kitchen so that there is nothing flammable hanging up anywhere near the stove.
posted by flabdablet at 11:58 PM on May 7

Kettle+microwave=problem solved.

Not the cause of her memory issues but you wont have to worry about the house burning down. On the memory thing, she really should see someone about that. Is she not concerned? If I accidentally left the stove on every day, I'd be concerned.

Talking/arguing about this issue is unlikely to lead to a solution. Leaving the stove on is presumably due to an involuntary lapse of memory and therefore something she has no control over. To chastise her over it implies she is purposefully leaving the stove on or she can somehow control her forgetfulness.

I also agree with nicwolff, the problem may go away once you have a gas stove, they are not subtle, in addition they also make quite a bit of noise (compared to a silent electric stove). Of course it might bring a new problem of her leaving the gas on.
posted by missmagenta at 1:59 AM on May 8

I have this problem. We cook with gas.
I have now actively trained myself not to leave the kitchen when the kettle is on, because if I do I'll get distracted / absorbed by something else (metafilter; I'm looking at you) and twenty minutes later remember that sometime I put the kettle on. There are other things though not so potentially life threatening. Us men leave the seat up ...right.
Notes in BIG letters help attract the attention, especially on the doorway going out at eye level of whichever room it is. There is also the potential shame factor when guests come round "oh does he do that too"..yadda..yadda.. yadda.
posted by adamvasco at 2:19 AM on May 8

It's not adult behavior, nor caring behavior, nor healthy behavior.

Somehow, you've got to make an impression that she associates with this every time she turns on the oven.

How about sending her nice photo of a burned human corpse with your name on it, or perhaps your dog's? How about you do that every few hours for a day or two? Visit a burn center and introduce her to the residents. Chat with some caregivers.

Move out for a week next time.

Raise the cost.

You've got to access a primal part of what, to me at least, appears to be a non-functioning, dangerous, juvenile brain. (She's trainable, as evidenced by grad school. )

Repetition, revulsion or adrenaline may accomplish for you something that reason, hope, and kindness will not. Put a timer on the oven if you want, but if you are going to do that, maybe you need a dog, not a wife. The dog, at least, will care enough about you to protect you.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but this isn't like leaving the toilet seat up. You need to live with people who won't kill you.

Do YOU understand that? Fire WILL KILL YOU. If you are lucky. Imagine looking like THIS? Imagine what that feels like. You wanna go through that so she can have a nice cup of tea while she studies?

You are a sweet man, but this isn't funny. This isn't trivial. Pull out the stops.
posted by FauxScot at 2:52 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]

Car keys in an envelope that reads 'oven'? Any barrier to her actually leaving without a physical reminder is good.

Post its on the door are what we do for remembering to take the garbage out, but since it seems like she's really spacey on it and it's potentially dangerous, I'd try to relate it to an actual action--like taking the keys out of the envelope.

A sign on the door can be ignored if you're really intent on ignoring something.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 3:06 AM on May 8

Popsychologyfilter:

Sorry to get all Freudian on you, but is there any reason she would be resentful about having to cook, on top of her studies and everything else? This is pure anecdote, but I've occasionally become repetitively forgetful about things that I consciously or unconsciously wished I didn't have to do. (Luckily, the things I used to forget weren't the kinds of things that could have killed me or my loved ones).

For example, when I had a particularly unpleasant casual job, I would always forget to fill out my timesheet. On the surface it was forgetfulness; it certainly wasn't intentional rebellion. But when I really thought about it, I realised that I hated filling out the timesheet because I knew it was a pointless procedure (payroll already had the information), and it was a depressing weekly reminder of the tenuous nature of my employment. Weirdly, once I acknowledged that I didn't much enjoy doing my timesheet, I stopped forgetting to do it. I guess it just went into the mental category of Dull Things That Must Be Done Anyway, rather than being something to be ever-so-slightly cranky about each week.

I have no idea if everybody's brain works this way, but it's possible hers does too. Maybe you could ask her. Does she feel that the household chores are being divided evenly? Would she appreciate it if you sometimes cooked her breakfast? Maybe you could you cook on the weekend and let her heat food up in the microwave during the week - even if that's not a fair division of labour, it's less likely to burn the house down.

Also, mindfulness meditation might help. She's forgetting to turn the stove off because she's not mentally present while she's cooking. Her hands are stirring the pot, but her head's probably off in intellectual-land, thinking about her thesis. Regular meditation gives you the ability to 'switch on' mindfulness when its needed - and I'd say using the stove is one of those times when she really should be paying attention.
posted by embrangled at 3:35 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]

I came by to drop my two cents of an idea.

I like the idea that she could use a clothespin. Or an Egg timer. Or both.

I work in a specialized field where an artist was forgetting to turn off something that he turned on at the start of his work. I took a brick, put the word "ON" and put it on his desk. You can't miss this thing. It's a brick.

Get a brick. Any time the Brick is on the Over, the oven is on. It's such an absurd thing, that it's hard to ignore.
posted by filmgeek at 3:36 AM on May 8

Hi,

I started to write a longish thing about reasons why someone might do something like this and that it isn't at all a normal memory lapse and you guys should stop arguing about how she deals with the stove and start arguing about whether she is going to see a neurologist or psychiatrist. But, I figure you probably know that she probably ought to get it checked out, and maybe you just need to hear that you have the right and, depending on what the causes are, possibly also the obligation as her loved one to be pushy about it.

That said, I have to point something out to you that struck me as being strange about your description. You have been living with someone who has been leaving the stove on for years, and almost every time she uses it in the morning for the last year. As a couple you have been unable so far to successfully discuss this, let alone change it at all. How did it come to pass that you have a plan right now to move into a place with a gas stove? If you actually opted for it because you like to cook or another not-totally-obligatory reason (realtor held a gun to your head, only apartment in town that could possible be afforded, housesitting for dear friend who had to unexpectedly go to prison), that is also peculiar. If I were in your position, there is literally nothing you could do to convince me to trade significant danger of melted stuff and bad smells for significant danger of fire or gas leak while I'm sleeping.

I don't know you, but you both have my best wishes and I hope it's easily solved. In the meantime, get an electric kettle and a microwave for the oatmeal, please.
posted by Your Time Machine Sucks at 3:48 AM on May 8

I fight this problem (in myself) by a strict habit: if the stove is on, the hood light is on.

That way, when I return to the room, I see the marker, and shut them both off. It's really useful to me because I do a lot of longterm, low-temp stuff (yogurt batches, for instance).
posted by IAmBroom at 4:44 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]

As others have said, a mnemonic is needed, but with people like myself we just get used to most mnemonics such as post-it notes and the behavior returns. Instead we have to knock our brains out of the fog they're in, which I do by placing something very out-of-place in a place I'll notice it.

For instance, I'll get a spoon from the kitchen and put it with my wallet and keys. The next day the inner monologue goes something like:

"Time to leave, better get your keys and such."
"Alright, they're there, but what's up with the spoon?"
"Oh! I need to check the stove and then I can return the spoon to where it belongs."

That night I'll grab a big potato chip bag clip and use that instead of the spoon, or bring home something from work we don't have at home, something from outside (why's a maple leaf with my keys?!?!?), etc.

Turn it into a game. See how random you can get. She'll get a laugh, you get some mental exercise, and the house doesn't burn down. Everyone wins!
posted by jwells at 5:02 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]

A tea kettle filled with water should live on your stove-top. When cooking is done, move the kettle onto the empty--hot--burner. If the burner is left on, the tea kettle will soon whistle. (After growing up in California with gas stoves, I learned this upon moving to Michigan, land of electric stoves.)
posted by Carol Anne at 5:24 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]

If the knobs are removable, put them in a drawer when not in use. When she goes to use one of the burners, she'll have to fetch it out of a drawer. In that same drawer, also put an egg timer. Tell her to set the timer whenever she uses the stove (it'll be in the drawer so she can't miss it).

Side note: I now can't remember if I left my stove on or not.
posted by sephira at 5:45 AM on May 8 [1 favorite]

As a counterbalance to all of the advice given previously, I'd like to suggest that you do nothing. She's under a bunch of stress and you berating her about it isn't helping. Accept that she's going to leave the stove on a lot. If you had kids I'd understand the extra caution, but come-on, you're not in imminent danger if you always double-check it yourself. I'd go to her and say "Baby, this stove thing is driving me crazy but I'm going to try to deal with it. Please do your best and try these memory tricks if you can, but if you mess up I'm not going to attack you, I know you're not doing it on purpose."

Maybe this sounds like a cop-out, but you're really not sacrificing that much to just take care of this problem for her while she's freaking out about school.

Just an alternative to all the STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND LOCK HER DOWN advice up above. But whatever you do, for shits sake be patient. Think about all the fucked up things a person can do in a relationship, and compare leaving the stove on to that. Hell she could drive blindfolded and still be better for you than some of my exes.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:01 AM on May 8

I am like your wife. Unfortunately, to me, Post-It notes are invisible objects. They don't help in any way at all (for me). I think it's tied in to the same mental glitch.

I second IAmBroom. I always put the hood light on with any oven / stove control. I always glance at the oven every time I go through the kitchen.

My wife checks up on me about it, and I have agreed not to be irritable, and to act immediately when she does. This last item is the most important.
posted by blue_wardrobe at 6:30 AM on May 8 [2 favorites]

I made a mental change, to prevent this sort of thing from happening (again). Always, the rule is "Turn off stove before removing food," and "Turn off oven before removing food." It has worked 99.8% of the time.

Does your stove/oven have a vent fan? If so, turn on the fan when the stove/oven is on. This will add an audio reminder.

Good luck. Your concern is justified, and habits are hard to break or create.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 6:48 AM on May 8

I am flabbergasted. I understand absentmindness and stress, but I simply can't understand how a person does this for years, and then daily for the last year, and then does not do absolutely everything in her power, including not using the stove, to change the behavior. Something is seriously, seriously wrong here, and if it were my husband, I would in fact threaten to leave unless he saw a psychiatrist/neurologist about it. This is way beyond post-it notes and strings and electric kettles at this point; she is willfully endangering you if she's been doing this daily for years. Discussion obviously does not work. Like FauxScot says, you must raise the cost, although it's simply amazing that your lives and home aren't worth the cost of stopping the behavior.

Until she can get an appointment with a doctor, physically disable the stove. Really. She can get her tea/oatmeal/whatever from a café.
posted by desjardins at 7:57 AM on May 8 [5 favorites]

It doesn't like the sort of thing that she's going to be able to fix by adding a new habit or component to her stove regimen. It sounds like the sort of thing that requires something more serious.

- Check up on her. Several people have suggested this, and it's a good idea. If you're at work and you know what time she's home; call and ask her if the stove is off. The first few times, insist that she actually walk over to the stove and check.

- Switch to electric gear (electric stove, electric teapot, as others have mentioned)
posted by DWRoelands at 8:06 AM on May 8

This seems kind of crazy. I mean, how do you forget to do something for a year straight? Wouldn't you 'know' that chances are you are leaving the stove on, if turning it off has become the exception.

Anyway, get an electric kettle. They are cheap. You can get one at Walmart.

And maybe she should see a doctor. Does she do anything else that seems strange or out of place?
posted by chunking express at 8:21 AM on May 8

Get rid of the stove. Sell it, or ask your landlord to take it out of the house.

Do the cooking you want to do at a friend's house. Make an extra portion to leave with your friend.

I have one of those kettles that automatically shuts off. Mine only shuts off if there is water in it to create steam, and has the lid on, and isn't filled too full. Not a good failsafe device.

Get a microwave. Do all your cooking in that. Inconvenient, but so much more convenient than your house catching fire.
posted by yohko at 8:22 AM on May 8

Yeah, sorry. She can't use the stove. She must replace the stove with a safe way to heat water. End of story, since this is such a huge safety issue.
posted by agentwills at 8:48 AM on May 8

Nthing an electric kettle. We got one for my elderly father-in-law after he burned up several kettles in quick succession. Also solves the leaving on the stove issue.
posted by kimdog at 9:22 AM on May 8

Mine only shuts off if there is water in it to create steam, and has the lid on, and isn't filled too full. Not a good failsafe device.

Ours is similar in that it won't turn off while boiling if the lid isn't securely closed. However, it also turns off when you lift it off the base to pour the water, so there is no way to use it to make a pot of coffee without turning it off in the process.
posted by chazlarson at 9:57 AM on May 8

This is a gas stove? Pull it out, reach behind, and shut off the gas. To use, pull it out, turn on the gas, relight pilots if necessary. Every time. Until the message gets across that the stove is a danger and the solution is a hassle.
posted by Midnight Skulker at 10:07 AM on May 8

I grab a dishtowel and refuse to let go of it until the stove is off, putting it on my shoulder if necessary. Every once in a while you go to put it down, but you say, "Oh, I can't do that, the stove is on!" Then, later, you go to put it down and you say, "Oh! I need to turn off the stove!"

I do this frequently when drying cast iron pans on the stove.
posted by RikiTikiTavi at 2:29 PM on May 8 [1 favorite]

I ruined a really lovely kettle like this. If she's interested in stopping this behavior, she needs to snap a mental picture of herself shutting off the stove every time she does it. I always sing, "turning off the stove" in a funny voice as I do it. When I'm making tea, I like to lift the kettle with my right hand while snapping the stove off with my left simultaneously. The movement feels nice and efficient. I'm not allowed to go out of the kitchen while boiling water. Not even to fetch something. I bring my book with me when I go to put the water on and I sit near the stove. Another trick is to make something physically uncomfortable. I might put my watch on my wrong wrist. I hate it, it needs to be on my other wrist, but I can only move it after I have switched off the stove.
I don't really like the idea of having to check the stove all the time or every time I leave the house. And I think signs and notes are really easy to ignore after about an hour.
Is she sleeping okay? Any other cognitive problems?
I like the dishtowel idea too!
posted by classa at 3:05 PM on May 8

I have problems with a lapse in memory at times, so what I've learned to do is create reminders for myself that CANNOT be missed until a new habit is formed that will compensate for my lack of attention at times. The problem is that after awhile, if the reminders are too static, then you learn to not see/hear them.

I asked myself what it would take for me to remember if I had a problem with this. I think something like this would help a lot:

http://www.invisibleclock.com/features.htm

It's a device that reminds you of something repeatedly over a certain interval (say, every 10 minutes or so) and can be set to vibrate, so it's much harder to learn not to hear it, and it wouldn't be something that might annoy others.

So for this to work for me, I'd need to set a rule for myself that if I cook, I set the alarm and put it in my pocket. I only turn it off when the stove has been turned off. Remembering to set the alarm would be easier than remembering to turn off the oven, because I'd much easier internalize a condition for using something in the first place (say, using the stove) than for remembering how to wrap up an activity, if I'm distracted by something within the process (say, cooking).
posted by SpacemanStix at 3:47 PM on May 8

I thought everybody used an electric kettle to heat water for a cuppa tea?? I think you'd be hard pressed to find a single household in the U.K. where this is not the case...
posted by stumpyolegmcnoleg at 5:27 PM on May 8

The two answers I was going to suggest have already been suggested - everything I need to remember the next morning gets put on the door (I have a big metal door so I can magnet stuff to it), so just put a note that says "STOVE". Of course, I'm a creature of habit and have to actually look at my keys in my hand as I close the door behind me, so maybe this might not work as well for her as it would for others - a note is easy to look past/ignore.

Also, electric kettle. You'll be amazed how quickly it heats up water (I use it for tea and instant oatmeal!), and it turns itself off once the water is boiling...kind of like how a toaster pops your toast up. It's magic.
posted by AlisonM at 12:03 PM on May 9