I'm a wreck..
January 24, 2009 12:25 AM Subscribe
I need some serious advice on how I can start feeling more secure about myself.
posted by In Heaven to human relations (19 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
I know this question has been done a million times but reading other people's threads about it doesn't really help, I guess since it is a personal thing and everybody's different.
So let's see.. I'm a 35 yr old guy, 3rd generation Japanese grew up in Southern Cal.. I think a lot of it does have to do with my culture and all that.. honestly I feel like it's pointless talking about this here cause I'm not sure if it's too specific, I kinda feel like I should be talking about it with people who know me, but it's too awkward. I've tried talking to my sister but I always end up changing the story or not knowing what to say. It's weird, I start getting all nervous and shaky.
It's like I hate myself because I hate my culture.. or the other way around, not really sure. There's certain things I like about it but it's all the superficial stuff.. like sushi and Japanese candy. I dunno. We made the Wii wooptie doo. Other than that I'm not exactly too proud of much else. I'll admit, I'm not one of those guys all obsessed with white guys dating Asian girls. But that's cause I just think it's their fault, it's like if you want a white girl then be the kind of guy a white chick likes and stop complaining. However, saying that, I think what I'm suffering from is a form of "group confidence".. that's a dumb word sorry.. but what I'm saying is like, as an individual, I'm fine, but it's like I inherited this larger group's mentality, this lower confidence.. that group being "asian men". I can't even type that out that's why I double-quote it. Like if I was Mexican, I'd be like yeah!! I'm MEXICAN wooot! saying it with pride. And okay, here's the thing. I'm short too. So it's like, on paper, I'm the total bottom of the social pole. Like, it can't get worse than that.
I think the fact I'm both short AND Asian is what gets me. Because it's such a stereotype. I don't want that weight on my shoulder. Also the fact that I spent waaay too much time online, all I read is garbage. Google "short" and "asian guy" and you'll see what I mean. I have this generic image in my head of what a "short asian guy" is.. and it sucks cause it's like, I'm always having to double check myself.. peek in the mirror.. whatever, to make sure I'm not that image. I think I've gotten this thing called "body dysmorphic disorder" but because it's such a taboo reason it's not like I can talk about this to some "therapist" are u kidding?? Especially a white therapist?? And if I went and looked specifically for an "asian" therapist, I'd feel too dirty.
So.. well I know it's in my head. I'm distorting things. If u knew me you'd know this isn't my character.. (or you'd think) because I've always was well aware of how ugly it is to worry about yourself especially if it's about race or physical traits, and how unappealing it makes you, so it's always been back in my mind and to this day I try not to convey it outwardly.. but the way it manifests itself is I end up spending a lot of time alone and avoiding people. I don't even talk to my family anymore. I'm so unhappy and I can't feel better knowing people in Iraq get bombed and their heads cut off.. and how insignificant my problem is.. cause to me their problems may be bad but the cause is external to themselves, so at least they have self-love, but I think when you hate yourself and cause your own misery, that's the ultimate torture.