meditation to deal with relationship problems?

January 21, 2009 6:03 AM

Depression therapy via buddhism regarding relationships?

I realize the economy is in the toilet which makes it difficult for my partner to find a position, but since my partner has changed careers so often (now on the 6th change considering 7th change) I'm finding it very difficult to be a supportive partner. I support the both of us financially but since I'm a recently graduate I don't make much money. So the money stress has not helped. We're getting by, by being thrifty but its challenging.

The problem with me is that I'm getting tired of hearing my partner put the blame on everyone else re: my partner's problems (crappy past sups, not enough challenge, humiliating work, annoying co-workers, etc). Everytime my partner has had a career change there is excitement and I'm convinced that this is "the job" (which I believe and encourage my partner to pursue) only to see the excitement crash and burn.

I feel that I need therapy and suggestions because I feel that by berating my partner, I'm helping no one. And since I'm losing respect for my partner to stick to something, I've lost interest in sex and constantly think about living on my own without the added drama.

I want to use my (vipasana and zen) meditation practice to deal with my problem. I'd like pointers on material to read as well as suggestions for therapists in SD area who would accept cash (I have insurance but don't want a paper trail)

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

I think you need to figure ot what it is about your partner not having a career bugs you and why.

I was always taught that using your practice for therapy was wrong because it constituted using your practice to gain something for yourself.

I suggest Feeling Good, a book by Dr. David Burns. Its therapy in a bottle. Also look for grad schools in your area which have therapy at lower rates with student therapists led by professors.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:21 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]

Everyday Zen: Love & Work by Charlotte Joko Beck

Also, although not in the Zen tradition, nearly anything by Pema Chodron has been highly regarded.
posted by uhom at 6:38 AM on January 21

Cheri Huber's Be the Person You Want to Find.
posted by Zed at 8:16 AM on January 21 [1 favorite]

You meditation practice can help you clarify who you are and what you need to do to manifest that. I never found specific remedies in my meditations.

Working with a therapist is an excellent idea. You may not be living with an adult. Since you can't change them you may change yourself so you don't care or you may find someone else who is more willing/able to take care of business.
posted by pointilist at 10:14 AM on January 21

I was always taught that using your practice for therapy was wrong because it constituted using your practice to gain something for yourself.

Same here. Meditation is not meant to fix anything. I'd go for traditional therapy. I do like Pema Chodron though, especially When Things Fall Apart.

I feel that by berating my partner, I'm helping no one.

Thich Nhat Hahn's Anger directly addresses this and helped me in my own relationship.
posted by desjardins at 10:47 AM on January 21

Nthing Thich Nhat Hahn's Anger. Great book, though I doubt it will be 100% helpful.

Your partner's actions upset you, and it sounds like they SHOULD. Don't push this off as "oh woe is me for berating him/her so much". From what I've read, I think you're right to be angry and/or upset about this.
posted by phrakture at 12:15 PM on January 21

I have The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic Unhappiness and I have found it to be very helpful.
posted by triggerfinger at 12:46 PM on January 21

Listening to your partner moan about it all and not saying anything about it is causing you pain. You are aware that berating your partner will cause you pain and resolve nothing.

There is a middle ground. You can tell your partner that you are not going to listen to any more moaning. You need not berate your partner. Tell it like it is, that being a dumping ground is killing your willingness to stay in the relationship, tell it not as a threat but rather as information.

You don't need meditation or Buddhism to accomplish this. You need compassion for yourself and for your partner and the willingness to be honest.

Do this or you will be out the door and on your own; we can only live a lie so long.

I wish you peace.
posted by dancestoblue at 12:30 AM on January 22