Addressing a girl as 'fair'. Flirting or just a figure of speech?

December 17, 2008 5:17 AM

Addressing a girl as 'fair'. Flirting or just a figure of speech?

A new-ish male friend of mine just addressed me as 'fair' in an email. (Not like I'm blonde, more like 'Hello fair emilyisnow, blah blah blah, let's meet up for coffee'.) I was a little taken by surprise. I seem to remember my ex-boyfriend did this before we started dating too, and it struck me as really flirty then as well. I'm wondering if it's one of those universal flirt indicator words or whether I'm just a wordy person and thinking about this too much. Boys, would you use this word with a girl you considered just a friend? Girls, would you interpret it as I have?

(I'm more interested in this in a general sense, but perhaps I should point out that in this particular scenario, I really *hope* it is just a turn-of-phrase, as this particular boy has a girlfriend, quite apart from the fact that I just don't like him *that* way).

posted by Emilyisnow to human relations (38 comments total)

It could well be flirty, but could also be friendly-flirty - it's not necessarily serious-flirty by a long shot.
posted by Tomorrowful at 5:20 AM on December 17, 2008

If I said it, it would be flirting.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:21 AM on December 17, 2008

Hmm, it's sort of an odd word to use, but I (a male) would vote +1 for the "turn-of-phrase" side.
posted by aheckler at 5:22 AM on December 17, 2008

I'd use this turn of phrase with someone I knew well in a non-flirty way. With a new friend I'd almost certainly only use it in either a flirty or a humorous way.
posted by Nick Jordan at 5:23 AM on December 17, 2008

It's flirty and he is a virgin.
posted by norabarnacl3 at 5:25 AM on December 17, 2008 [49 favorites]

It doesn't matter how *I* would use it, it matters how he is using it.

That said, I have used it in flirty "I want you" ways and flirty "i'm just being silly" ways.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:27 AM on December 17, 2008

I think the idea is that you need more than one word to ascertain anything about his intentions towards you. Personally, I'd go for flirty or platonic funny.
posted by nihraguk at 5:49 AM on December 17, 2008

If 'Good morrow fair maiden' is a chat up line, then this is flirting.
posted by Not Supplied at 6:11 AM on December 17, 2008

A pretty safe assumption is that a dude using faux-Olde-Tyme speech like that when speaking to a woman is both flirting and is using those affectations to mask social discomfort.

That's not necessarily a criticism -- a lot of women really enjoy that kind of exaggerated attention, and there's nothing wrong being a little bit socially awkward. (Nor is there anything wrong with being a total cheeseball, which is the unkind way to describe guys like that. Whatever floats your boat, you know?)

And some guys just don't know how to turn it off. Maybe it's the social awkwardness, but for whatever reason the only way they've figured out to interact with women is by exaggeratedly flirting. You could be an object of lust, his platonic best friend, or a random woman in a cafe, and he'll break out the "Fair Emily, how dost thou maketh my heart sing!" at every opportunity. It's a "safe" way to talk -- scripted, predictable, and usually easy to turn into "but I was just playing around, because I'm an old-fashioned fedora-wearing romantic kind of guy!" if anyone acts offended or points out that he has a girlfriend.

Think of it as a social defense mechanism, along with wearing funny clothes, refusing to make eye contact, or making jokes in Klingon. So I wouldn't necessarily assume that he is trying to get into your pants, though of course he might be -- there's no way to know from one word.
posted by Forktine at 6:12 AM on December 17, 2008 [14 favorites]

Did he maybe just see "That Thing You Do!" recently? ["Attention! The fair Faye wishes to address us all!"] That was the first thing that came to mind when I read the question.

+1 can't tell anything based on the one word. Maybe he just likes this sort of affected language.
posted by chazlarson at 6:15 AM on December 17, 2008

Disregard the word "fair." Look instead to the glaring and obvious request for a date, i.e., LET'S MEET UP FOR COFFEE, hello.
posted by billysumday at 6:18 AM on December 17, 2008 [14 favorites]

I would definitely take this as flirty (as a woman). He is describing you as "fair" (read: beautiful, emilyisnow/ fair maiden), which carries the subtle undercurrent of sexual attraction, IMO....unless of course this guy would write that same thing to his sister (which would just be creepy and inappropriate). Think about it.

But this is not necessarily the same thing as actually hitting on you. Some guys I have known seem to just get a high off the flirtation itself. It's a little pathetic when guys in a relationship do this, and I tend to lose some respect for them regardless of their motives.

(But YMMV, because I always admire those guys that subtly, yet clearly make it known that they love, adore and are committed to their wives/girlfriends and NEVER begin to do anything remotely flirty towards me.)
posted by murrey at 6:30 AM on December 17, 2008

sounds like flirting. No one's ever called me fair, even in a platonic way (and I'm actually fair).
posted by agentwills at 6:33 AM on December 17, 2008

nerd-flirt.
posted by syntheticfaith at 6:43 AM on December 17, 2008 [5 favorites]

I think this is one of those things that could be flirty, or it could be like when I ask a co-worker something like, "Oh Kim, my dear, would you happen to know where the bovine serum albumin is on this fine day?" Absolute unadulterated goofiness.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 6:50 AM on December 17, 2008

Well, I suppose context/age differences are important ... a lot of times on Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay will call his server "my darling", and I'm pretty sure he's not being flirty.
posted by Comrade_robot at 6:57 AM on December 17, 2008

I uses phrases like that on occasion whenever I feel like embellishing my vernacular just to be slightly goofy. He has a girlfriend?.. I would imagine he's just being friendly. (his way of showing he likes you in a safe gentlemanly way)... course thats just my interpretation from the limited information I have.
posted by jmnugent at 7:03 AM on December 17, 2008

I would say goofy.

If he didn't have a girlfriend (or might like you that way despite the girlfriend), I would say slightly nerdy flirty.
posted by Pax at 7:59 AM on December 17, 2008

It's flirty and he is a virgin.

Or that's what nerds want other men to think while they spirit away all the cute girls. This dude has figured out the genus of women who fall for goofy nerdery and has comfortably capitalized on how their hearts go a-flutter at quirky flirtations. It's adorable, not sleazy, and machismo-free. Hot! My latest boy ended an email with "I'll be waiting for your response, with rings on my fingers and flowers in my hair," and I found it so funny that he got to third base later that night. See?
posted by zoomorphic at 8:15 AM on December 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

dork-flirting.

dont be surprised if he tries to kiss your hand.
posted by phritosan at 8:24 AM on December 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

It sounds like he is just being silly or funny. Lighthearted. I would not think it odd if a platonic male friend addressed me this way. I'm pretty sure some of them have.
posted by millipede at 8:28 AM on December 17, 2008

Boys, would you use this word with a girl you considered just a friend?

Sure. The problem with email is that it can come off as especially dry. Especially if youre used to writing terse professional emails. Throwing in some old timey speak is a common way to come off as friendly and social. Would you rather have gotten an Outlook meeting request with just "RSPV Coffee" as the text?
posted by damn dirty ape at 8:28 AM on December 17, 2008

Beware of this guy, he spends all his money on fountain pens and expensive handmade paper. On the upside, you'd get some unique love letters.
posted by desjardins at 8:42 AM on December 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

As a guy, presuming that he's single I'm going to n-th that he's hitting on you (also: don't miss the bright neon flashing "let's meet up for coffee" part).

In my experience, girls tend to way overestimate the platonic factor in these things. I can count on one hand the number of times I've invited out for coffee a girl in whom I'm not interested. I've invited out for coffee girls I am interested in about a million times. Your odds are good.
posted by ewiar at 8:50 AM on December 17, 2008

It could be a red flag that he participates in those medieval fairs.
posted by Zambrano at 8:54 AM on December 17, 2008

It's secret code used to see if the other person is a member of the Society of Creative Anachronisms. It saves the embarrassment of assuming the other person is cool with SCA.

If you are cool with it, the correct response is to call him "noble gentle" or "lusty berger."
posted by Mo Nickels at 8:56 AM on December 17, 2008 [3 favorites]

As a guy, presuming that he's single

He's not single, see last paragraph of the post.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:59 AM on December 17, 2008

I've never used such a term, nor do I think I'm likely too. Still, I think it's flirty in a kind of pocket-protector type of way.
posted by ob at 10:25 AM on December 17, 2008

He was just being silly. Silly with a friend silly, not flirting silly.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:27 AM on December 17, 2008 [1 favorite]

GIGO, man. Insufficient evidence to draw a conclusion.

I'll riff on "fair" just like I used to call an editor I worked with "Young Master Chadwick" because his name was Chad and it was goofy.

I have a girlfriend, and I've also asked girls to get coffee because, ZOMG, I can have a girlfriend and still be friends with girls. (Sometimes I feel like I get treated with the same sort of panic that straight dudes sometimes treat gays with—look, ladies, I don't want to bone all of you. Thanks.)
posted by klangklangston at 11:29 AM on December 17, 2008

"Nth"ing nerd flirting. Let us know if he wears a fedora
posted by chndrcks at 11:43 AM on December 17, 2008

Depends entirely on the guy. I had a friend back during university who called all the girls "Beautiful _____" and he definitely wasn't trying to get into all of their pants. I guess you could call it flirty, but he had a way of saying it that conveyed his sincere belief in their beauty and was also devoid of romantic/sexual interest.
posted by ODiV at 1:07 PM on December 17, 2008

If he is in the SCA or goes to Ren Faires a lot, this is probably just how he talks to every woman he knows. *g*

Otherwise, nthing the goofy-nerdy, hard to tell without more context brigade.
posted by oblique red at 2:53 PM on December 17, 2008

"universal flirt indicator"

You misspelled "D&D Ren-faire dork", my fair emilyisnow. It's flirty in a cmpletely ham-handed fifth grade way.
posted by orthogonality at 2:53 PM on December 17, 2008

Ok, thanks everyone! I'm going to take the consensus to be that this (and by extension all similar faux-old-time speak) is definitely flirting, but not necessarily flirting with intent. Very interesting.

For the record, he's not in the SCA, but actually does wear a fedora!
posted by Emilyisnow at 7:48 PM on December 17, 2008

For the record, he's not in the SCA, but actually does wear a fedora!

Just in case you haven't been lurking long enough to get the fedora jokes, here's what they are referring to: Fedora Guy
posted by Forktine at 8:22 PM on December 17, 2008

Oh. Wow. Didn't see that coming. Ya, no fedora of that kind then! Apparently I need to be more conscientious with my lurking. Thanks for enlightening me...I think!
posted by Emilyisnow at 3:54 AM on December 18, 2008

Well, even if the 'fair' comment isn't flirting (which, by the way, it is), then the asking you out for coffee is!
posted by Lucie at 11:38 PM on January 2