How do deal with a jealous spouse?

December 10, 2008 8:16 AM

How do you deal with a spouse who is jealous of your friendships and family relationships?

We are newly married. She is estranged from her parents and siblings. I still get emails or phone calls from family members every 1-2 weeks. She gets upset. I've started taking phonecalls only when she isn't there. Today she told me she read through my email and found recent correspondence with my family. The contents were merely a request for a dinner recipe. She is acting like she is the aggrieved party. How do I deal with this?

I've stopped mentioning their existence as much as possible. I never expected/requested her to visit them on holidays or to have any kind of relationship with them at all.

Side note: my family has problems, but I keep them isolated from my relationship. I don't allow their problems to radically affect my emotional state.

She is also jealous of friendships. Not all my friends are successful, happy people -- but some are. She finds something unacceptable with all of them.

I'm less concerned about keeping these friends (none of them are close) and have spent much less time with them. Now, that she is demanding I cut ties with my family, I wonder if that was a mistake.

posted by anonymous to human relations (50 comments total)

Demanding you cut ties with family and friends is a classic example of what abusive partners do.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 8:21 AM on December 10, 2008 [44 favorites]

If the big D is not an option, you should get to couple's therapy ASAP, and try to get her to see a therapist on her own as well. Very unhealthy behaviours for any relationship.
posted by Grither at 8:22 AM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Don't put up with it. Tell her it's unacceptable and that she'll have to learn to deal with it.
posted by sid at 8:23 AM on December 10, 2008

Oh, my goodness, this sounds like a post from my first marriage.

I suspect that your wife is insecure and believes (however irrationally) that you enjoy spending time with your family and friends more than you enjoy spending time with her. The kicker is that the more she gives you static about your (completely reasonable) relationships with other people, the she will make those relationships more enjoyable than the one you have with her.

If I had it to do over again, I would have gotten us both into couples counseling immediately. The odds that this is something that you or she can fix without some outside guidance is pretty low. It's the reading of your email that makes me think this way. I know that the standard AskMeFi answer for these sorts of things is "OMGTHERAPY", but in this case I can't encourage it enough.

I've walked this road and it is painful. I wish you the best of luck.
posted by DWRoelands at 8:27 AM on December 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

It's absolutely unacceptable for a spouse or SO to make you feel ashamed of having friendships outside of her. It's even more unacceptable for her to read through your emails (and I'm a huge fan of full disclosure in relationships). Please go to therapy, either alone or with your spouse.

And change your passwords.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:28 AM on December 10, 2008 [6 favorites]

That's fuckin' nuts. Really. Did you read the thread the other day about the wife who wouldn't even live with her husband, and resented his kids from a prior marriage, saying he shouldn't be there for them? Yeah, this sounds like a low-fat version of that.
posted by notsnot at 8:29 AM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Dude, maintaining healthy, close relationships with friends and family is necessary for maintaining a healthy, close relationship with the spouse. If you expect one person to be your one-and-only, the sole source of emotional and social contact in your life, it will only lead to suffering for both of you.

Her behavior is controlling and abusive. I suggest therapy.
posted by schroedinger at 8:29 AM on December 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

Today she told me she read through my email and found recent correspondence with my family. The contents were merely a request for a dinner recipe. She is acting like she is the aggrieved party. How do I deal with this?

You tell her that reading your email is unacceptable. You have to have a ground rules discussion with her about what normal boundaries are, even for married couples. Someone who has your best interests at heart should not, under any circumstances be asking you to sever ties with the people in your life who are important to you. This is not "Hey I'd like you to stop hanging out with your ex-girlfriend who still carries a torch" this is a lot more like "I don't want you to be close to anyone but me" and I agree with M.C. Lo-Carb! in the absence of other details, sounds very similar to what abusive partners do.

So, to put a more charitable spin on it, new marriages are no cakewalk. Maybe she had expectations that the two of you would be cocooning together without anyone else's "interference" and she's dismayed that that is not the case. Her emotions are important, obviously, even if they seem irrational, but it's time to correct her misunderstandings about things and see if the two of you can find a middle ground. I would suggest couple's therapy where the two of you can work this stuff out without either her or you trying to try your case in front of the other, but explaining it to a third party.

Again: demanding that someone you love cut ties with their family (unless there's some really important part of this that you have left out) is a warning sign. Heed it.
posted by jessamyn at 8:31 AM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Don't be ridiculous! I imagine that she may feel empty by her lack of such things in her life.
What if she were allowed a chance to atone the absence in her life? consider inviting her to join your world in a larger capacity
posted by plants at 8:31 AM on December 10, 2008

to use words like controlling, abusive is to ignore what incites such actions to begin with. I don't know much about couples therapy, but I can only imagine that it could help.
The idea i'd say is to help lift eachother out of what would be suffering, which is perhaps counter intuitive to what a usual code of conduct would be.
In anyway, i'd say think about whats up with the idea that theres a decision between lives thats at stake, why she would feel such a way that she'd say one must cut off relations; why she does not feel as if she could just join them herself
posted by plants at 8:36 AM on December 10, 2008

I predict that you are not going to get any answers here that say "Oh, it's not such a big deal." This is absolutely intolerable and you should not put up with it for a second more. Her behavior is irrational and abusive, and if she won't go to counseling, you should go alone.
posted by desjardins at 8:39 AM on December 10, 2008

Oh oh, I know this one, DTMFA.

Having been through similar stuff let me tell you in advance that you'll eventually realize that, while it isn't your fault, you really need to work on having a realistic perspective on what is acceptable behavior in a partner. You're like the guy whose dog just bit off his foot asking if he should consider obedience school, when he should have asked about it when the dog growled at him 2 years ago. (Sensitive analogy I know, but my point is just that certain people will just take more and more of your life away and make you think you are the one being unreasonable, a process that might be manageable if you make them aware of early on.)

Anyway, my professional opinion as a PHDivorced is that it is too late for therapy. Just pack the car and run.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 8:40 AM on December 10, 2008 [3 favorites]

I've stopped mentioning their existence as much as possible. I never expected/requested her to visit them on holidays or to have any kind of relationship with them at all.

Might this be a problem? It seems like her problem is routed in jealousy that you have family around and she doesn't, not any dislike of your family. Why not make an attempt to include her? I mean, you haven't even invited her to have any kind of relationship with them?

Maybe if you suggested that she come with you to a family activity, she'd be open to forming a relationship with them and she wouldn't feel so left out.
posted by Solon and Thanks at 8:49 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well, I'll pile on. It is not reasonable whatsoever to ask that you eliminate contact with your family because of her demands. Your relationship has absolutely no chance of surving under these circumstances. She's unhappy, you're unhappy, get thee to counseling.
posted by mattholomew at 8:49 AM on December 10, 2008

She needs therapy, now, or your marriage will be wrecked. No ifs, ands or buts, she needs to get into therapy and work out the problems in her estrangement from her own parents. As her SO, you need to sit down and talk with her about this is completely unacceptable and you that you remain in contact with friends and family, she needs to understand that and you're willing to be there for her through this process, but you're keeping your friends and family.

Seriously, this is a complete and utter dealbreaker, if not now, then in the future. You guys need to work on this and get it fixed or ya'll are going to miserable.

Now, that she is demanding I cut ties with my family, I wonder if that was a mistake.

This is crazy sounding shit and no one should tolerate this behavior from anyone. Put your foot down, offer to go therapy with her, but put your foot. If this continues, divorce is the only answer.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:51 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

If you put up with this you are foolish in the extreme.

(Are there details you are neglecting to give us that would explain any of this? Just wondering.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:56 AM on December 10, 2008

Just in case you need one more person to really drive in the point: Yup, judging from what you wrote this is completely unacceptable, and unless her behavior changes (maybe with therapy), it should be an absolute deal-breaker.
posted by amarynth at 9:00 AM on December 10, 2008

Something is definitely wrong here. But I find two things curious. First, you mention that your family and friends both have problems. I am not sure why that would relate at all, and why you would mention it.

Secondly, you have not shared with us why she feels this way. It gives me the impression that you have not sat down and had a grownup, we are married now, discussion with her. That confuses me, as you cannot 'deal' with it until you actually now what is behind it. And that comes from having a conversation with her for starters. If the reasons are too deeply buried in her, yes, then you need therapy.

Marriage is a two way intimate street and this is odd enough behavior that there should have been a dialogue going on long ago. Both parties are responsible for this conversation happening You included.
posted by Vaike at 9:00 AM on December 10, 2008

You mentioned that this is a new marriage, is annulment a possibility?
posted by BobbyDigital at 9:02 AM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

I AM the crazy chick with family estrangement issues, many of which I've worked through at my boyfriend's insistence.

It's not an abusive situation - yet - but could become one if you don't put your foot down. Having been in that headspace, here's what she will need:

1. She needs to feel like she's being heard. Have you really listened to why she has a problem with a) b) and c? Have you asked her reasons, and then asked her to walk through her own reasoning process?

2. This isn't just a women are emotional scenario - people who have suffered rejection a LOT tend to be way more sensitive to nonverbal signals than do people who have not and if she's on the outs with her family, she's definitely suffered rejection. It also warps that social skill that emotionally healthy people have where they can go in with a "I don't like this person and I can tell this person doesn't like me but we can deal" thing.

3. Set some ground rules and be willing to give in small ways, but not in the "I give up everyone" way. How many hours a week do you spend on the phone with the family? When I lived in the same city with my former spouse, he would sometimes be with them for 12 hours or more, and phone calls were always at least two hours even though he lived in the same town as them. It might seem normal to you, but actually, it's really annoying especially if you're still working out the business of setting up a household.

4. Get her to go out and make some friends of her own. She definitely needs some help/therapy, but she also needs to put herself in situations where she forms her own social relationships. She's putting the pressure of all her social needs on you, and that will crack a marriage all too quickly.

Also, have your friends/family been down on her in the past? This can extend defensive behavior.
posted by medea42 at 9:02 AM on December 10, 2008 [5 favorites]

I was in a serious relationship with similar nitpicking & attitude about family, friends, and a request to cut ties with my family. Eventually, things escalated to physical "roughness". Not saying that this is where things are heading for you, but yes, this is going down an abusive path. If you were female, the responses would likely be a lot more zomg, GET OUT!, I think, but abuse, both mental & physical is an equal opportunity relationship badness.

Good luck, whatever you do. I got out of my abusive relationship, I was a very lucky person to get out when I did.
posted by kellyblah at 9:09 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

i think there's an opportunity here to welcome her into your family and make her feel a part of something again. it's not a replacement for her own, but it's something.

but you need to a) take a stand and b) go to counselling. both of you.
posted by klanawa at 9:09 AM on December 10, 2008

You know, I assumed that the anon-P was a he. Bad on my part, as there are states in the US, and other places around the world which allow same sex marriages. Sorry about the assumption, anon.
posted by kellyblah at 9:12 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Ummm...did you not know this about her before you got married?

These types of issues just don't pop up overnight, and those "quirks" that get overlooked pre-marriage can become huge once you are dealing with each other day-to-day with all the other associated stresses of marriage.

Some couples therapy, as well as individual therapy for you both, seem to be in order.
posted by socrateaser at 9:15 AM on December 10, 2008

Seconding Solon. Family is family. Just because they have problems doesn't mean they have to bring you down.

Both my parents side of the family are a bit nuts. One side has the controlling matriarch, and the other side bickers like cats and dogs. We expect it's the last Christmas for my great-grandmother, but various members have called off Christmas six times in the last three months due to petty squabbling. We've kept our tickets and joke about the fact that we'll be having a five day hotel party in NC.

It's always a bit of a learning curve when new people come into the family, because people want to fix it. One aunt tried to be more controlling, while the other tried to isolate my uncle and herself from the situation. The isolation technique led to divorce.

Instead my family treats it like a soap opera. Occasionally we have to take a part in the drama, but we leave it at the door, and consider every bad moment an opportunity for a hilarious story later. Remember that time Grandma got trashed, told the entire family to fuck themselves and tried to skinny dip in the pool? Priceless!

I think it's entirely possible to include your spouse with your family ties, even if they aren't the ideal family. There is a long way to go before they are toxic enough to lead to estrangement. If she expects perfection from everyone as a condition of a relationship, she'll eventually find a problem with you. Try to find a way to embrace imperfection, and maybe she'll get over herself.
posted by politikitty at 9:19 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

Well of course if you ask AskMe, the answer will be DTFMA. But I think medea42 has the crucial bit of insight here:

people who have suffered rejection a LOT tend to be way more sensitive to nonverbal signals than do people who have not and if she's on the outs with her family, she's definitely suffered rejection. It also warps that social skill that emotionally healthy people have where they can go in with a "I don't like this person and I can tell this person doesn't like me but we can deal" thing.

I bet that her heart's desire is actually to be part of a big, warm family and group of friends, but she is so used to things going the other way that her instinct is to protect what she does have (you). The answer is not for you to cut ties with your friends and family; the answer is for you to make her a real member of your family, a real member of your group of friends. It may take some creativity on your part at first--looking for a reason to ask your mom to give her a call, etc. Talk to your wife about your friends and family. Ask her opinion. Adopt an attitude that all of these people--your friends, your family, and your wife--are non-negotiable parts of your life, and go from there. Make it work.

However, and this will seem a little contradictory to the above, I think you should be sensitive to her feelings. If she is estranged from her family, it is probably mild torture for her to listen to your side of long and/or frequent phone conversations with them, when she is not having any conversations like that herself. It probably makes her feel a little alone in the world. So you shouldn't feel like you have to hide these conversations, but sensitivity to her feelings might have you making some of these calls when she's not around. Remember, this is in the context of your otherwise trying to bring her in with all these people. Once that's accomplished, then I don't think she'll feel the same way about the phone calls, e-mails, and so forth.
posted by HotToddy at 9:49 AM on December 10, 2008 [8 favorites]

I never expected/requested her to visit them on holidays or to have any kind of relationship with them at all.

Why not?

If you've done this from the beginning of your relationship with your wife, no WONDER she's weirded out by your family. You've completely and actively excluded her from it!
posted by tristeza at 9:58 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

While I didn't marry them (and for primarily this reason), I can at least relate experience in a serious relationship with such a person -- and my foolishly going along with it for the most part. Over time, I pared family contacts down, gave up hobbies, stopped going out with friends, took calls from them mostly when they weren't around. It was just "easier."

The result? After a while, the pressure completely reversed: I started getting nagged to find time to seek out NEW friends, and re-establish contact with more distant family members who hadn't already landed on the veto list. Life was boring now that there was no more people to hate on and drive away, apparently, and when I failed to follow that edict I became the target of the ire -- last resort, I guess.

So let's just say I don't think enduring and dealing is a good option for you. Take action now, or cut and run, but act immediately. It won't go away on its own.
posted by Pufferish at 10:00 AM on December 10, 2008

I guess I have never been in or around an abusive relationship (that I am aware of) so my feeling that maybe we should all step back from the DTMFA cliff and take a deep breath could be misguided and wrong. I apologize in advance if that's the case- if not:

I will echo what everyone above is saying and advise that you talk talk talk. Its not enough to accept a behavior at face value. Try to find out why your partner is jealous and see if there are ways that you can ameliorate the feelings without having to take either nuclear option. I agree that counseling is probably in everyone's interest. This isn't to say that things might be beyond fixing, but we don't know the whole story here.

I also think its a good idea to try and incorporate your partner in these other social groups if they are interested. You don't indicate if you've tried this. I think its pretty clear that they feel isolated or left out by the attention that you give to these other groups (which I am not defending.. I'm just trying to clarify what they could be feeling).

If your partner is unyielding in their unreasonable demands or unwilling to seek counseling with or without you I think then we can approach the DTMFA cliff again. I always think its a good idea to talk things out and try to make what you can of it - if its possible. I would listen to the advice from other posters to get a feeling for whether or not there is anything to salvage.

Good Luck and I hope things get better for you.

ps. From the tone of your post you also sound pretty passively receptive of this behavior. Do not be afraid to assert your right to a relationship with your family and friends. If this is something your partner won't abide then its definitely time to go (which everyone else has said....)
posted by zennoshinjou at 10:05 AM on December 10, 2008

Nthing to the nth degree that her demand that you cut off ties with your family is not reasonable. But there is all kinds of weird here.

Why would you never have expected her to visit your family or have any kind of relationship with them? You mention that you "still" get phone calls and correspondence from them -- maybe I'm reading too much into your word choice, but was contact with your family expected to cease for some reason? The only thing I can imagine that makes any of this make sense is if your family's "problems" are dangerous in some way. Like she has some reason to believe that you have family members who are emotionally abusive, or unstable, or threatening your and her safety somehow.

But then you mention that your friendships are not close and so cutting them off didn't bother you as much. Does this mean you do not have any close friends? Don't you think it's odd to not have any friends beyond one's spouse?

I have the feeling that there's some information missing, but I also have the feeling that you both may wish to look into therapy.
posted by desuetude at 10:11 AM on December 10, 2008

"Abusive", "unnaceptable", "don't put up with it", "absolutely intolerable", "crazy sounding shit and no one should tolerate", "absolute deal breaker", excetra.... these all sound to me like fascism.
If someone has wounds so gaping they'd insist that half your life be cropped away, the last thing in my opinion to do is judge. As if marriage is a "deal"... lets uh take a walk down to the convenience store.
I think that "learning to deal with it" is right, but I see it that, were it to be done, you wouldn't be living with, they'd of forgotten about it as well as you.
All the censure though is in my opinion preposterous. A profoundly intimate relationship... in which great needs of one are ignored by the other? Imagine being stripped nude then uniformed in a straight jacket; obliged still to go on with your life, now no more than a dystopia.

And this guy:

Having been through similar stuff let me tell you in advance that you'll eventually realize that, while it isn't your fault, you really need to work on having a realistic perspective on what is acceptable behavior in a partner. You're like the guy whose dog just bit off his foot asking if he should consider obedience school, when he should have asked about it when the dog growled at him 2 years ago. (Sensitive analogy I know, but my point is just that certain people will just take more and more of your life away and make you think you are the one being unreasonable, a process that might be manageable if you make them aware of early on.)

Thats not a sensitive analogy, its just totally ludicrous.
"having a realistic perspective on what is acceptable behavior in a partner". Odd that in your personal life you would have to remind yourself of how to behave; though I understand the idea. perhaps a better way to put it is you two could develop a finer syntax of each other -- get to know where all this crap is coming from, don't contribute to the heap of crap. Why accentuate the protuberance of a bygone era, one of only duress, when you could help forget it?
posted by plants at 10:24 AM on December 10, 2008

Side note: my family has problems, but I keep them isolated from my relationship. I don't allow their problems to radically affect my emotional state.

She is also jealous of friendships. Not all my friends are successful, happy people -- but some are. She finds something unacceptable with all of them.


For best advice, we'd need to know your wife's contentions. You indicate your family's problems don't *radically* affect your emotional state... but are they distressing you? Adversely impacting your marriage? Are family members intrusive or abusive?

And what issues does your wife have with your friends?

There are two very disparate possibilities about your scenario:
A) Your wife is meddlesome, possessive, and insecure; or
B) Your family and friends are pernicious influences harming you, your wife, and your marriage
posted by terranova at 10:30 AM on December 10, 2008

One may say in response to the great needs of one not being the responsibility of the other...
...riiiight
For me, the logic that someones travails is their own responsibility to make behave, is absolutely pejorative.
For one, it puts it out there that they are being absurd. How would you like to be considered absurd? Oh, your probably not, and that's for a reason. But what if you were, and you had no idea why... yet it was your responsibility to... "fix".
Right. There's one stab at it that actually hurts.
Next up, if someone does do that, the situation stops there. It is absurd. Why? Because so and so said so. So then, all the repair that could of happened is out of the question. It's just the mutual understanding. The hole gets bigger.
though what if that didnt happen, it may yet turn out that the aspect of helping what would be a convalescent was no more than brushing your teeth, so simple you barely noticed.
posted by plants at 10:34 AM on December 10, 2008

"Abusive", "unnaceptable", "don't put up with it", "absolutely intolerable", "crazy sounding shit and no one should tolerate", "absolute deal breaker", excetra.... these all sound to me like fascism.

plants, I don't think you realize that isolating your partner is a classic abusive behavior. The abused party is often made to feel that this is a reasonable request and instead their totally normal need to maintain relationships outside the romantic one is crazy, unnecessary, selfish, or unreasonable.

It's also not a healthy way to deal with conflict about, say, friends in a relationship. I absolutely loathe one of my SO's oldest friends. I avoid contact with him. I would never, ever ask that he refrain from contact with him, though, because that would just breed resentment and necessitate "sneaking around" on his part when really, he has nothing to be ashamed of. We don't have to agree on everything, not even the company we keep.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:44 AM on December 10, 2008 [4 favorites]

Legalzoom.com

You did say you are newly married. How long? Was there no display of this behavior prior to the wedding? Not that it matters, as you are married now and it is happening.
I would lay it on the line for her. And tell her to stay out of your email.
I would also tell her to get therapy to avoid ruining her next marriage.
Seek your freedom from her insanity now.
posted by a3matrix at 11:00 AM on December 10, 2008

PhoBWanKenobi, that's true. But I do agree somewhat with plants. Some of the suggestions to DTMFA before figuring out what's wrong and talking to her worry me. This isn't such a cut and dry case, there are a lot of weird details that make me think the story is more complex than one might initially think. (Him not asking her to attend family events with him, his family and friends having some problems - what exactly is the OP talking about there?)
posted by Solon and Thanks at 11:05 AM on December 10, 2008

[comment removed - please direct comments towards the OPs problem and not fussing with other users, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 11:12 AM on December 10, 2008

True, Solon, but friends I've known in abusive situations often, after time or at the outset, have such low self esteem that they'll tip-toe around "problems" that other people would have no tolerance for. I read the sentence about not expecting her to interact with his family as an attitude that developed after she expressed disinterest/distaste at the idea. Similarly, I read the sentence about his family's "problems" as a statement that OP thinks her estrangement from her family is affecting their relationship, whereas he tries to avoid letting his own familial issues do the same. But you're right--we don't know the whole story.

But the fact that she's totally isolated aside from their relationship and is pushing for him to do the same is alarming. I think what most of the responders (myself included) were trying to communicate through their forceful language was that this is very rarely a reasonable request and is not SOP in a healthy relationship.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 11:15 AM on December 10, 2008

On the contrary, plants. I'm going through this right now with a partner who is just starting to realize how incredibly skewed his perspective on things was with his ex. She would squirm and chafe on any number of issues until finally he would just throw up his hands and say, "Okay, if this will make you more comfortable, I guess we'll try it, because anything's better than this." Which led to a whole host of things I won't get into here, except that when he related them to me in a semi-joking, not-a-big-deal fashion, my mouth just. dropped. open.

She had completely eroded his personal boundaries and the boundaries of what is acceptable, even in a private relationship. So even though I could understand why she did that, it didn't make it right!

We need to be okay with our own sense of self before we can begin to have healthy relationships with other people. The OP's wife is not listening to her husband or giving him a chance to compromise. All of this points to emotional abuse, whether she realizes it or not.
posted by Madamina at 11:20 AM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

plants: re: analogies, I was being sarcastic because I realize its a little uncouth to compare a damaged person to a bad dog. But I stand by it...with dogs as well as people with "wounds" your stance must contain aggressive behavior, not coddle it with complicity.

I'm not sure exactly what your issue is with the advice people are giving. Are you saying that the poster shouldn't give up but should talk it over with his partner and try to work it out? Or just advocating compassion?

I understand this sentence:

"A profoundly intimate relationship... in which great needs of one are ignored by the other?"

"Needs" shouldn't be ignored but demands should be evaluated objectively to make sure they aren't bat-shit crazy and controlling. It doesn't start small...first they want to cancel individual plans with people. Then they limit certain behaviors because they are "hurtful." Then they want you to stop hanging out with people they don't approve of. Then you find yourself asking permission to go to a movie with your sister.

The OP seems to be knee deep in denial if he is asking whether this outlandish behavior is acceptable. Once he realizes how screwed he is he won't be able to disengage himself from his current role without his wife feeling like he's become a monster who doesn't care about her. I could be wrong, but by the time the submissive partner in an lopsided power dynamic realizes s/he's being pushed around its usually nigh impossible to escape those roles. I'm not trying to say that woundies don't deserve relationships, but they must be approached cautiously like a formerly abused and potentially dangerous...um...gerbil?
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:28 AM on December 10, 2008

It doesn't start small...first

I meant it DOES start small. Trying to conference call and answer.meta simultaneously is hard.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 11:31 AM on December 10, 2008

My first reaction was to agree with everyone else that this is totally unacceptable and alarming. And then I started thinking of a very dear friend whose husband might, just might, gloss HER behavior this way.

Since I know the extenuating circumstances of that situation, I'm going to throw some wild questions out there on the OFF CHANCE they might touch on your situation, too.

1) Is it possible your relationship with your friends was unhealthy? Did you do things with these friends that she wasn't comfortable with -- like flirt, or drink excessively? That is, did your friendships negatively impact your relationship with her in some way?

2) Is she totally estranged from her family, or do they just have a complicated and fraught relationship that leads her to require distance from them to safeguard her own health, mental or physical?

3) Does your family make her feel welcome? Or has she expressed to you that they make her feel unwelcome, or that they treat her poorly in some way? If so, have you made an attempt to understand where she is coming from, and to stick up for her when they make remarks that she finds hostile and/or belittling? Have you made an effort to negotiate some way for her to dwell comfortably in a world that includes your family?

In short, are YOU playing a part in this that you have not fully considered?

Okay, so these three questions may seem WAY off base to you and if so, I'm sorry -- I know they're based on assumptions I'm pulling in from my friend's experience. (But I think asking these questions of you, and making these assumptions, is no crazier than telling you to divorce your new wife based on the three short paragraphs of explanation you provide.)
posted by artemisia at 11:36 AM on December 10, 2008

This is batshit insane country we're talking here, and I don't think therapy is going to resolve it.

Get a divorce while the getting's good.
posted by dunkadunc at 11:38 AM on December 10, 2008

artemisia: I did consider that he was not mentioning something vital on his part like, for instance, his friends are a bunch of junkies, or his family are anarcho-capitalists with wide brimmed hats. But I think the very nonchalant air in which he relates her actions makes it much more probable that he's been letting her get away with turning him into a codependent shut-in and isn't even revealing the half of it.

Facts:
She read his email
He is hiding certain behavior from her to avoid upsetting her (phone calls)
She gets upset when he is contacted by people she doesn't approve of
This group includes all of his friends
He has taken radical steps like planning on never seeing his family again for holidays
He mentions these sacrifices as if it was natural and not a big deal
She read his freaking email

She's probably pushing the OP to see how far she can bend him before she breaks the relationship. She doesn't have to be evil to do this, is the thing. Some people are just perfectly suited to completely ruin each other's lives. There are probably lots of ways in which he is complicit in this problem. But he's the one asking for advice, and the best advice is: DTMFA.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 12:25 PM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

I still get emails or phone calls from family members every 1-2 weeks. She gets upset.


She is also jealous of friendships. ... She finds something unacceptable with all of them.

This behaviour is insane. You are in an abusive relationship and need to get out. The fact that you're still in it makes me worry about your ability to get out of it, but you need to do as soon as possible, and not make excuses for your wife's behaviour. It is possible that your wife suffers from some sort of personality disorder, or maybe she's just a very unpleasant person. Either way, you're not going to fix her, but you could let her ruin your life and all your personal relationships with family and friends if you stay with her. Get out now.
posted by Dasein at 1:29 PM on December 10, 2008 [2 favorites]

Maybe you and your family can try really hard to include her in your family stuffs, so that she no longer feels jealous about that relationship. Maybe she will cool down with respect to your relationship with your family.

Did you not notice this sort of thing before you got married?

But yeah, the way you wrote this post, she sounds totally crazy.
posted by chunking express at 1:36 PM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

I used to work as a battered women's advocate, and we referred to this wheel of Power and Control when helping people identify how dire the situation was. I agree that there's information missing in the OP, but to give other members of the discussion a point of reference, I thought I'd offer up the link.
posted by medea42 at 2:02 PM on December 10, 2008 [1 favorite]

I feel really bad for you, because I know that this is a delicate dance that you do with her, trying to keep things on an even keel. I also surmise that you feel resentful, stifled and finding yourself getting just as paranoid as she is. This is exhausting. It must stop. For both of you.

Only you know if she is a hopeless case, so if there aren't a whole bunch of redeeming qualities (and I mean a shitload) then you'd do best to get away from her. It's unhealthy to be where you are. It will only get worse. Either DTMFA or get therapy and socialize the hell out of her.

Good Luck!
posted by Grlnxtdr at 2:13 PM on December 10, 2008

First, you mention that your family and friends both have problems. I am not sure why that would relate at all, and why you would mention it.

Secondly, you have not shared with us why she feels this way.

This is what needs to be answered before anyone can effectively give advice. Are there addiction issues in your family? Violence? Is there a solid reason that your wife would prefer that you not hang around with them?

That being said, my ex sister-in-law couldn't stand us (my brother's side of the family) and she tried to keep him away as much as possible "for his own good."
posted by The Light Fantastic at 2:59 PM on December 10, 2008

I am a pastor who does premarital counseling for couples preparing for marriage. Most of what we do together focuses on what each person is bringing to the marriage emotionally, and what expectations each has for marriage.

In this process, relationships with family and friends is one the major topics we discuss, even discussing questions such as "how much input from family is acceptable when raising children." Other questions involve borrowing money from family and how many friends the couple have outside their marriage.

I only offer this as a way of offering another perspective in agreement with the posts above, that this a big deal, and your concerns are quite valid.

I'm so sorry you both are going through this. I wish you all the best.
posted by 4ster at 4:50 AM on December 11, 2008