How can I learn to love my looks?

November 1, 2008 6:56 AM

How can I learn to love my looks?

I am 32 years old and single. I’m 5 ft 1”, kind of miniature all over compared to other people, and slim in a rounded way (I’ve never been waiflike and don’t think I could be.) I’m extremely self-conscious about my looks to the point whereby I’m letting them get in the way of living.

I have only had one relationship, which lasted four years, from the age of 18. We lived together, but he wanted an open relationship as he told me he liked my personality, but not my looks. Before I met him, I had always thought of myself as average, and I can’t remember feeling inadequate about my looks beforehand. He was extremely charismatic, and I was hooked on his personality, so I agreed. A bevy of beauties (tall, slim, lovely facial features) paraded through our house at regular intervals.

He said that my breasts weren’t the best or worst he’d seen and my body was below average. When I lost my virginity to him he told me that one day I’d know what true passion felt like, because the experience wasn’t real sex. On the train, he would ask that I sit opposite him and not beside him, so that people didn’t think we were a couple. He wouldn’t hold my hand in public, as he said he felt like a paedophile because of my height. One day he told me he was going out with someone else and from that point on he would not acknowledge me in the street.

Shortly afterwards, I answered a flatmate ad, and moved into a house full of attractive women. I have never been a girly-girl, or hung around them before, so it was eye opening. However because I was different the women put me down about my looks, claiming I didn’t look after myself -- one girl had laser surgery for freckles on her décolletage while another took three hours to dress before going to the supermarket -- and the men who visited the house ignored me. When I went out with the women, men only spoke to me in order to speak to them. I was stunned to observe how much better some men treat good-looking women, as I hadn’t realised this was the case. I moved out as soon as I could afford to.

In the years since, I have tried “faking” that I’m happy with my looks, and most people don’t know how bad I feel about them. I have tried to be stylish to make up for them, which has gone someway to my feeling better about myself (I have also put a great deal of effort into doing interesting things in order to be interesting, and learning as much about humanity and philosophical aesthetics as I can.)

However throughout my twenties I never had sex sober, and I feel incredibly uncomfortable and fearful when a man looks at my face intimately. I push anyone away who wants to get close to me, and if men want to see me again after a one-night stand, I ignore them. Any guy who tries to pick me up is in, and I’m scared of good looking or charismatic men.

Recently, my mother told me I wasn’t pretty, after letting it slip in a conversation. I have never thought of myself as pretty, but she went on to say that I should “flirt with my intellect” as I would look silly flirting with my body. I don’t tend to flirt at all unless I'm drunk, as I feel like I might look vulgar, in a circus-freak kind of way. I stopped drinking completely nearly a year ago, when I also stopped having sex. I have never been asked on a date (I was teased about my looks in high school by the boys) or courted, and a part of me longs to be but fears I'm not special enough. I tried online dating, but the three men I met with weren’t interested in me after the first date, and my profile gathered dust.

Today I got my hair cut, and the woman cut so much off that my face is very visible, which I can’t deal with as I have very visible skin pigmentation marks on one side. I freaked, and after taking numerous digital photos to see what I looked like (I photograph myself most days to check but it only confuses me in different light as I don’t know what the truth is) I covered all the mirrors in my apartment. I feel filled with fear and dread at the thought of going to work with my new haircut, and it’s really brought home the fact that I can’t deal with my looks, and it’s holding me back.

I’ve tried to tell people how I feel about my looks, including therapists whom I saw for depression years ago, but I’ve been told I’m fishing for compliments or it’s a symptom of depression. But I’m not depressed, and it’s still with me, years later.

How can I learn to love my looks?

E:[e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (38 comments total)

. . .but he wanted an open relationship as he told me he liked my personality, but not my looks.

This man was emotionally abusive to you. Abusive. Use the word; it may help you. He treated you very badly knowing that your self-esteem was low, using you purposely for that reason. You need to absolutely shove away everything he told you about your looks, or indeed anything about you at all, because he said it entirely to serve his own ends. (In fact what he said about the weather would be in question.) I don't say this as if this will be easy for you. I know it's hard. I wish you the best of luck and would hug you if I could.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:36 AM on November 1, 2008 [13 favorites]

Oh wow. You've been seriously kicked around in your life. Four years living with an abusive dick has warped your sense of self-worth. I'm sorry that your therapist wasn't able to see that; you're not so much trying to love your looks as you are trying to recover from having your self-esteem completely trashed in an abusive relationship. That "fishing your compliments" comment is crap; sometimes you need some help building yourself back up. But it tells you one thing: your therapist thinks your looks aren't any kind of issue. You're not some kind of monster.

No matter how many pictures you take, you're never going to see what's there; you're a normal girl, just like the rest of us. Your perspective has just been warped by the abuse you've suffered.

I think you need to find a new therapist who understands how terribly you've been damaged by that guy. Either that, or print out what you wrote here and bring it to your therapist. With the comments.

I wish you weren't anon and I could take you out for a nice dinner or something. I want to give you a big hug and tell you how cute you are.
posted by Hildegarde at 7:38 AM on November 1, 2008 [13 favorites]

Your ex was an amazing asshole. That guy shouldn't have anything to do with the way you feel about your looks and you'd do well to kick such guys to the curb. The following is unacceptable behaviour.

but he wanted an open relationship as he told me he liked my personality, but not my looks.

He said that my breasts weren’t the best or worst he’d seen and my body was below average. When I lost my virginity to him he told me that one day I’d know what true passion felt like, because the experience wasn’t real sex. On the train, he would ask that I sit opposite him and not beside him, so that people didn’t think we were a couple. He wouldn’t hold my hand in public, as he said he felt like a paedophile because of my height. One day he told me he was going out with someone else and from that point on he would not acknowledge me in the street.

Let me add that small height is usually just not an issue. Plenty of short women are in relationships with taller men. That ex of yours had enough baggage to fill a train station.

I push anyone away who wants to get close to me, and if men want to see me again after a one-night stand, I ignore them. [...] and I’m scared of good looking or charismatic men.

These people want to see you again because they liked you and had a good time with you. If your looks were bad you wouldn't have that pleasant problem -they wouldn't even call-, but it seems you do have it. Try not to be afraid to let them come closer; your ex is a very bad benchmark for human relationships.
posted by ersatz at 7:43 AM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Seconding the advice to disregard anything the jerk ever said to you. And I can't even begin to understand what your mother was thinking when she said you are not pretty, nor do I believe her comment can be assumed to be objective.

It's difficult to simply disregard that much abusive nasty behavior, so you may want to get some help in forming new habits of self-perception from a therapist. Everyone, and I mean everyone, finds things to dislike about the way they look. The trick is to find the things you like and to build on them--and to accept that you are perfectly fine the way you are. I also think you need a little help in learning to identify (and avoid) people who bully others to feel better about themselves.
posted by idest at 8:00 AM on November 1, 2008

Your ex treated you horribly, and although you haven't given many details about your mother and none about the rest of your family, I wouldn't be at all surprised if your childhood experiences set you up to be victimized by that guy, which has contributed greatly to your current misery.

See a therapist, seriously. You can get better, but it's going to take time, and professional help would make it far easier and help you avoid setbacks.

one girl had laser surgery for freckles on her décolletage
Vanity is no better than its opposite ...

while another took three hours to dress before going to the supermarket
... but that's a whole other issue - I'd expect that girl has a social anxiety disorder.

if men want to see me again after a one-night stand, I ignore them.
Seconding ersatz: if they didn't like you they wouldn't call. Next time a guy calls try suggesting you meet up for an actual date, like dinner and a movie, and don't feel yourself obliged to do anything more than keep up your end of a friendly conversation.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 8:06 AM on November 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

Oh, Anon, Anon, Anon.

This man who you had your first relationship with? He was an evil asshole.

I almost wish we had a photograph of you, because I think it's highly likely that everyone here would be able to provide you with a mountain of positive commentary on your looks. Hell, might want to do that, since most likely none of us can associate your photo with a person we know ourselves ... if you want to preserve your future anonymity, you could remove it after a week or two.

I'm reminded of ... I hate to dip into the well of major nerddom, but I'm reminded of a graphic novel by Grant Morrison that I read called "Marvel Boy", and in it, there is a character whose father tells her she is hideous and needs to hide her face. At one point, she takes off her mask in shame to reveal herself to the protagonist, and ... she turns out to be utterly beautiful. It's just that her father so thoroughly fucked her up mentally that she was convinced of the reality of her ugliness.

This sort of thing does happen, but you have had a very bad chain of events that managed to fuck you up emotionally. Your first relationship with a man was with one who was very emotionally abusive. You then moved in with people who were so vain as to have fuckin' LASER SURGERY for FRECKLES on her BREASTS! (And, as a guy, I gotta say, why? Freckles anywhere are nice.) And I'm sure you love your mother, but any mother who would state flatly that she doesn't believe her daughter to be pretty ... makes me wonder if there's a underlying discouragement that happened during your childhood. I mean, I'm sure you love her, but I just can't see what would be loveable about the kind of woman who would say that to her own child.

So here's what's happened, Anon: you've had a large people of dysfunctional, evil people traipse through your life, sit down at the keyboard of your head, and enter a ton of programming that now is rattling around in your skull. Programming that declares as reality a bunch of things that, I think your own story tells us, is not true or accurate.

You feel uncomfortable when a man looks at your face intimately? So men do look at your face intimately. Men want to see you again after one-night stands.

I'm not surprised you don't like your haircut ... because that first boyfriend, those bitchy girls, and your mother are all in the back of your mind telling you that you shouldn't like your haircut.

What should you do?

I suggest you look for new therapists. You do need therapy, but not because you're wrong in any way, or did anything wrong: it's so that your therapist can give you a crowbar to pry all the crap that that ASSHOLE of a man (followed by those ASSHOLE of roommates and ... well, I won't say that about your own mother, but similar sentiments about your mother) whimsically decided to implant in your head.

And I'm wondering how socially active you are. Because if you can stomach it (and believe me, I know how hard it is to reach out), go to meetups (both of the Mefi variety and of the Meetup.com variety) and start meeting new people. If it's bad enough, see if your doctor can help you with anti-anxiety medications. You're not going to believe how many people out there are oceans upon oceans more kind than these people who have traipsed through your life thus far.

Good luck.
posted by WCityMike at 8:29 AM on November 1, 2008 [17 favorites]

Nthing the "your boyfriend was an abuse asshole" comments.

Stop taking the photos of yourself and stop covering the mirrors. When you look at yourself you're seeing something completely different from what other people see. Who knows what other people will find cute or attractive. Maybe someone will like that new haircut that you hate so much. Constantly judging yourself is a game you can't win.
posted by schwa at 9:25 AM on November 1, 2008

You're suffering the effects of serious emotional abuse from your ex-boyfriend, and matters were not helped by people like your roommates and mother chiming in with disparaging comments about your grooming and attractiveness.

You've piqued my curiosity; your description of yourself makes you sound cute, yet you've had this little chorus of assholes surrounding you for years, saying that you're not very attractive. I don't understand that.

I don't know if this is any consolation, but most of us in adulthood are not very attractive in a style-magazine way. Most people (i.e., 95%) are pretty much just frumpy schlubs making the best of our limited allotment of attractiveness. It sounds like you have been surrounded by people with extraordinarily superficial way of looking at life (who that is not a superficial fool gets laser surgery to remove freckles from decolletage?). These people have led you to believe that being gorgeous, or whatever, is the most important thing in life.

Perhaps the best way of approaching this problem is to surround yourself with nicer people for whom personal appearance is not the main concern. I think your social circle (and mother) have given you a distorted view of the importance of beauty.
posted by jayder at 9:41 AM on November 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

Who knows what other people will find cute or attractive.

This is absolutely true. There are women who, by the fashion industry's black-letter laws of attractiveness, would be considered unattractive, that I have found beautiful and incredibly appealing.

I think this is perhaps the most important thing you can learn ... whatever you look like, if you take care of yourself and carry yourself with confidence and have an appealing personality, you can be very very attractive.

A problem could be that if you allow shame over your looks to make you shy or insecure in public or social settings, you are allowing your attractiveness to be diminished due to your shame. If you could just let the shame go, and live your life happily, focusing on taking care of yourself, dressing well, without worry about your fundamental objective beauty, your attractiveness would likely be raised quite a few notches.
posted by jayder at 9:48 AM on November 1, 2008

It sounds like you've spent most of your time with shallow, stupid, mean people. You don't really believe in the existence of any other kind. I guess most people are shallow, stupid, and mean sometimes, but there are a lot of people who are intelligent, sensitive, and trustworthy. You're never going to find those unless you allow yourself to be sensitive and trustworthy yourself, and that takes faith. Which your first boyfriend pretty much destroyed.

No wonder you're having a terrible time. It's going to be a long struggle to get past all this, but if you can do it, it will be worth it.

If you can find someone, anyone, maybe a therapist, who can truly empathize and understand your situation, that might be one good place to start. Your actual looks are less important here than your feelings about them.

Do looks even really matter? Yes, for some things, like success dating shallow stupid men. Maybe you could aim for something else. It would be nice to be generally thought to be attractive, but there are a lot more important things to focus on.
posted by amtho at 10:17 AM on November 1, 2008

Wow, yes, you suffered emotional abuse on an absurd level. I'm not surprised that messed with your head. There's a lot of evidence that you're quite attractive in your post. Guys try to pick you up. A hairstylist wants to show off more of your face. Your therapist couldn't understand why you'd be unhappy with your looks - she or he thought you were fishing for compliments. A thing people who don't need them get accused of.

But this isn't about other people not finding you attractive - it's about you not liking your own looks, yeah? Maybe it would help to pick one thing you like about your looks. Just one thing. Own it, and then pick another. Keep doing this, you won't look at your overall package and say "ew, no." but you'll look at in a mirror and say "wow, I have awesome eyes and good skin and my hair does that sweet flippy thing and..."
posted by Solon and Thanks at 10:28 AM on November 1, 2008

There are lots of good suggestions already so I won't repeat them, but here's another thing to mull over: your looks are only part of the package, and perhaps the least important in the long run. I speak as another not-pretty girl who is now a not-pretty middle-aged woman, and OK with it.

Your experience was far more extreme than mine (internet hug heading your way!), but I also got lots of reinforcement that my looks were definitely sub-par. For various reasons I decided "fuck 'em all" and made no effort to become pretty. Instead I concentrated on things I could do that other people couldn't - after all, beautiful women are a dime a dozen, but how many kick-ass scientists are there? (That's the defiance of youth speaking there, not an objective assessment of my professional skills, but you get the idea.) I hung my self-esteem on my intellect, not my appearance, and it has served me well. Beauty fades quickly*, but the mind persists far longer.

You say you're already trying to become an interesting person - keep heading that way! Cultivate friendships with people who care about what's inside your head and shrug off the superficial assholes. After the first glance, worthwhile people won't pay much attention to your appearance but they'll definitely think of you as interesting/witty/cultured/whatever. In truth, their opinion of your personality will influence their perception of your looks. I once had a friend who was really quite homely, but after I got to know her I thought she looked nice - I forgot her pudgy nose and acne scars and remembered her warm smile and the way her curly hair bounced when she laughed, etc.

I have to plug for my fellow non-pretty dorks here on MeFi: go to a few MeFi meetups and try to make some new friends there. You'll probably find that looks are below average in this population, but brains are off the charts. (And people who are themselves not-pretty are far less apt to judge you based on your appearance.) A few friends who value you for your personality and mind will go a long way towards repairing the damage caused by the superficial assholes.

Good luck!

*Now in my late 40s, I'm amused to see other women who were definitely good-looking in their youth starting to sag and getting a bit panicky about it. Ironically, I think that I'm starting to look better than they do (not that I care all that much, it's just sort of funny): my hair is in good shape since it was never chemically assaulted by dyes and perm jobs, my skinny body has no voluptuous curves to sag and droop, and I can still wear the clothes I had in college. Aging well is the best revenge, you might say.
posted by Quietgal at 10:35 AM on November 1, 2008 [5 favorites]

This is all really super advice and I hope I don't sound like a shallow cow when I suggest going to a sensitive, professional makeup artist to learn some techniques. I do not mean that you should cover up your looks or deny them by slathering on makeup. What I think is helpful (for me, anyhow) is to know some skills for, for example, refining pores or bone structure, or what have you. Makeup can be a treat instead of a crutch and I know that I have found myself smiling more with a bit of lipstick as a weapon. No need to become a brainless girly-girl to appreciate some well chosen lipgloss, afterall!

The other side of learning to love your looks is not being afraid of them in any situation.

You can do it!
posted by villain extraordinaire at 11:15 AM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

I would just like to add a nod to a point Quietgal made, and a point that my mom has made to me a couple times, and that is that anyone who hangs their self worth on appearance is absolutely doomed to terrible unhappiness. We are all of us going to grow old. You, me, your abusive ex, and the girl who had her boobs zapped with lasers: we will all age. So although I'm sure you're beautiful (else why would all those sad, empty people expend so much energy on convincing you otherwise?), I would encourage you to avoid looking to that fact to affirm your self worth. Easier said than done, I know, so good luck!
posted by kavasa at 11:18 AM on November 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

So would it help to be told you are pretty? If you go to the right salons and spas and makeup people, they will tell you that over and over again. They say that to everyone, but perhaps they see the beauty in everyone. One assumes the stylist who cut your hair so your face shows thought that your face was worth seeing, imaged that your family and friends like to see you and would be please by your cute new haircut.

I go along with the idea that you should get some help to stop being so hung up on looks, period.

If you are pretty, there is always some prettier. If you are your own person, no one can touch that. Keep that in mind.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:43 AM on November 1, 2008

nthing the idea to visit a therapist, but specifically, try to find one who specializes in abuse issues. I went through a similar situation (although not nearly to the same degree) with an abusive boyfriend for about three years, right down to the put-down of my looks. For example, when I gained a little bit of weight after going on the pill, he made sure to point out how fat my ass had gotten. I weighed 105 pounds.

My point is, his put-downs have absolutely nothing to do with you, your looks, or reality. Insulting your looks was a way to keep you down, to keep you from feeling good about yourself so he could continue to control you. Period.

Therapy will help you through this, but be sure to find a therapist you feel comfortable with, supported by and who believes you and don't be afraid to shop around until you do. It makes all the difference. Also, if you feel comfortable, talk to your friends about this relationship. Let them know how it affected you and how you're trying to work through it. Part of the baggage that comes with an abusive relationship is shame and one of the best ways to combat that is by not allowing it to win, by talking about your experiences, by putting a name to everything that's happened to you and by realizing that you are far from alone.
posted by amandarose at 11:44 AM on November 1, 2008

I'm sending you an email with some personal details.

But listen. You are going on one night stands and then the guy wants to hang out again? This is not a bad sign. That's not a one night stand, unless you want it to be.

Internet dating is really weird.

My guess is, it's not anything to do with your looks. My guess is that your emotions and your hurt are really, really close to the surface, and that's a scary thing to deal with.

I've dealt with this quite a bit myself. I think meditation of various sorts is helpful. I think things like mirrors and photography can be helpful too. For me it has been, sometimes, helpful to understand what I look like. It can be a painful process.

I'd go easy on the makeup, honestly.
posted by sully75 at 11:52 AM on November 1, 2008

I have issues with my looks. My sister, who is utterly gorgeous, has ridiculous amount of issues with her looks. Do you even know a woman who doesn't have issues with her looks? Sometimes, when my sister or girlfriends talk about stuff they 'hate' about their looks, I become puzzled and confused, because I don't even KNOW what they're talking about, and so that makes me think maybe the things I hate about myself, too, are just bothering ME alone.

I also have very average looks (and yes, my parents HAVE acknowledged that too, but they are THE BEST PARENTS). Some things that really work for me when I hate my looks is telling myself:

- This is my body, it's a part of me, and it is not my enemy. So often we find ourselves mentally thinking of our bodies as the 'other' part of us, the part that is separate from us, and often goes against our wills and wishes to torture us by being the opposite of what we want (too weak, too short, too sick when I have to work). This is not true, you only have one body, and it's so complex, and it does so much for you that you don't even understand, that the way you look is very trivial. We all have bodies that function for the most part the same, and our differences in our looks is so small and trivial that is not even worth the worry.

- everyone has image problems, and most of it is in our own heads

- When sitting in a bus or in a public place where there are ALL TYPES of people, look around you. Most people have average looks, and most people are happy, and are in awesome relationships. Looks never stop a good relationship!
posted by shamble at 11:58 AM on November 1, 2008 [2 favorites]

Wow, he was a sh*thead. I'm sure people have given lots of serious advice, but here's another one that works for me when I'm feeling crappy about myself for a long period of time:

Smile at yourself in the mirror. A lot. Everyone you walk by one. Spend some time in the bathroom just smiling at yourself. It feels retarded, but you start seeing your smile as pretty once in a while.

Oh, and work out. It just makes you feel good about yourself. Even if you don't have a goal, such as weight loss or toning, it just makes you feel really good to physically tire yourself out.
posted by KateHasQuestions at 1:07 PM on November 1, 2008

The first few dudes I dated, while not remotely abusive the way your guy was (and I hope you've taken to heart everyone in this thread who's said he was, because he was), were more into my personality than appearance too, and it did start to wear on me. I'm petite in a way that sounds similar to you--sturdy and rounded and to-scale, not skeletal--with boobs that are nothing to write home about, but I'd never had issues with my appearance until I started dating guys who didn't understand you don't date women you're not attracted to, duh. I find this to be common in a lot of immature shy 20something guys.

Then I broke up with a guy I was serious with for a long time, and I was ready to start over. I'm not sure what snapped in me, but something did, and I took back my appearance for my own sake. I got a great haircut, I took it to heart when my salon dude told me I was gorgeous, I made a point to remember the times guys in public had complimented my appearance. I bought clothes that made me feel pretty and sexy and comfortable and just...felt really "me." Meanwhile, I fell in love for the first time (at the age of 24!) with a guy who actually found me smokin' hot. I know that's not really the best answer--ideally your self-image should be all about your feelings and no one else's--and also not something you can control. But I will admit it gave me a huge boost of confidence, and now I feel like I completely own my self-regard for this shallow aspect of myself. Everyone is right above too--it can't be the only thing you fixate on, because no matter how beautiful you are there's always someone more so, and we all age. But that is not to say truly finding yourself a hot, capable-in-this-sense item is not important. I personally think it is. There is something to be said for putting a bounce in your step.

My advice might be to find a truly supportive--not fakely so, nor competitive, nor singleminded/overly conventional about beauty--female friend, or gay guy friend, to help you figure out what really makes you look and feel fab. If you're not the conventional looking sort of industry standard of pretty, it actually takes some thought and effort to find what works for you. But I think it's worth it. And it'll help you find the parts of your appearance that you want to play up and celebrate. I am still not so keen on my boobs, personally, but a gradual make over of this sort over a couple years' span lead me to realize I love my curvy strong legs, and guys seem to really dig my butt once I don't hide it in pants two sizes too big.
posted by ifjuly at 2:27 PM on November 1, 2008

I forgot to mention that I was considered "the ugly duckling" in my family too, and you shouldn't take that to heart. Growing up, it was a given in my household that my sister was "the pretty, girly" one, and I was the bookish plain one. That gave me a complex too, until later on when I was doing the mental legwork of figuring my real style out and came to realize it's no different than the industry standard thing I mentioned above. Older suburban-y people (or more conventional people maybe is the better way to put it--and my family was very conventional, relative to me anyway) tend to accept the cookie cutter model of pretty that gets fed to them through TV and magazines and whatnot. But if you hang with the right-minded, more original or dare-I-say-it interesting (at least to me), more open-minded crowd, whose broken free of all of that boring social programming, you will quickly find what someone mentioned above: somebody, somewhere, finds X hot. Anything. It's not just feel-good bullshit; meet enough different people and you'll see for yourself. So: don't be limited by the people in your past with small-minded notions of this stuff. Once I broke away from Playboy-and-network-TV visions of beauty as tall, skinny, and blonde with huge boobs, I found most hip young people I know actually dig shorter women with more meat on their bones, and dark or unusual hair (which I happen to have). You just never know. Looking back, I only have this sort of amusement now at how boring I find my family's idea of beauty.

And on a superficial level, re: skin pigmentation: If it seriously bothering you, have you considered ways to fade it etc? I think such things might exist. And if you haven't heard of it, the Oil Cleansing Method is supposed to be a good skincare method for fading uneven pigmentation. It also feels really good.
posted by ifjuly at 2:47 PM on November 1, 2008

Lots of good stuff up there. I just wanted to say, you really can't rely on the photos of yourself. It takes skill from both the photographer and the sitter to make a portrait look good, and if you can't even look through the viewfinder, well, that disadvantages you as well. I'm very not happy with the way I look (lazy eye, ugly teeth, and some minor facial scars), but I know my image in the mirror is often better than a self-portrait* of me simply because I'm alive and reactive. (*Unless I've put thought into making it a pleasant shot). So please, please don't use these self-portraits as accurate representations of yourself. They're bound to be less than you.
posted by b33j at 3:07 PM on November 1, 2008

... he wanted an open relationship as he told me he liked my personality, but not my looks.
No, he wanted an open relationship because he was an abusive arsehole who wanted to fuck as many women as he could while having a "spare" on standby.

I guess it would be hard to show us and remain anonymous, but I'm really curious about what you look like. I don't particularly find women who are "conventionally" beautiful attractive and I know that many men are the same. Don't be fooled by advertising that says you must be tall, thin, blonde and big-breasted with absolutely flawless skin and perfect poise to be attractive - that's not a woman, it's a barbie doll. Real women, women who have real beauty, come in all shapes and sizes and with all sorts of variations. There is no template. Note what Quietgal says too - true beauty lasts - no comfort to you now, perhaps, but wait ten years and see who is the most attractive -you may find things have reversed.

If you're having drunk sex to make yourself feel beautiful, that isn't going to work - plenty of men will have sex with someone regardless of how attractive they find her - an available woman is an attractive one for plenty of men. Try not having sex with men you meet straight away and I'll bet my left testicle that you'll have plenty of them running to spend more time with you - those that don't are just from the same mould as your first and you will struggle to be seen as longer-term material if you jump into bed with just anyone.
posted by dg at 3:11 PM on November 1, 2008

Also - ...after taking numerous digital photos to see what I looked like (I photograph myself most days to check but it only confuses me in different light as I don’t know what the truth is... Stop doing this. It's pretty much impossible to take a decent photo of yourself. If you really want to be able to reflect on your appearance, get a glamour shot taken and use that to remind yourself of how sexy you look.
posted by dg at 3:15 PM on November 1, 2008

A lot of people have said very good things (they're absolutely right about the abusive folks coloring your self-image!), but I'm chipping in with something very small: try starting by picking out something about yourself that you DO like (there must be something!) and focusing on it. Learn to enjoy that for a while and then try to move on from there.

Example: I certainly have body image issues, not wholly unjustified--but amidst all of those, I have very beautiful hands, with long tapered fingers and delicately vibrating bones in their backs. They're strong and flexible, they can do lovely things, that makes me happy, and that is a comfort.

Within that framework, I also found getting a tattoo to be a comfort. Again--I'm not fond of my body in general, but I was very pleased with the fact that I could get something small and beautiful and make it part of myself. (My tattoo is on the back of my shoulder, which is a good canvas, and can be private when need be.)

I may not ever get to the place of "loving my looks," but I'm content with those gentle kindnesses toward myself, and that may be enough. I hope something like this might help you too.
posted by dlugoczaj at 7:21 PM on November 1, 2008

Frankly, your old boyfriend was a nutter. Don't take anything he said seriously. Go get some therapy and work to find out why you would stay with someone like that. Also, don't date for a while. Consciously just not date for 6 months. People will flock to you, but don't date anyone for 6 months. It will be hard but you will learn a lot.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:24 PM on November 1, 2008

Lots of great advice above. Sounds like your dickwad ex-boyfriend really did a number on your pysche, and you're still recovering from it. I think you need a new therapist who will help you tackle the issue- the covering mirrors sounds like fairly extreme behavior, and your descriptions above reminded me of an anorexic girl who believes that she's fat even though everyone else can see that she's wasting away.

I was an ugly duckling growing up (bad hair, braces, and terrible acne) and hated my looks for many years. I used to be jealous of the Beautiful People, thinking that they had everything so easy. I'll tell you how I got over it- I ended up living in Central America where my fair hair and skin were seen as exotic traits that far outweighed my flaws, and for the first time in my life, everyone thought I was beautiful. And do you know what? It sucked. People stare at you wherever you go, creepy men hit on you constantly, and the worst part of it is that you feel like no one really cares about getting to know you, the real you. They only want to talk to you because they think you're pretty, not because you're funny or interesting or intelligent or whatnot. And life isn't any easier- you still have the same problems you did before. It was a real lesson for me- I stopped worrying about my looks and began appreciating the fact that my friends and people I've dated like me for my true self, not some facade of beauty.

I'm sure you're far more attractive that you think you are. But even if you can't convince yourself of that, focus on your other attributes and assign value to them, rather than fixating on your percieved flaws. And look for a new therapist to help you overcome this- you sound like a lovely person and I wish you all the best.
posted by emd3737 at 9:32 PM on November 1, 2008

Ex-bf = asshole.

I can't say much that hasn't been said other then don't give up. When you find someone who recognizes what you have to offer, you will get tired of them telling you how beautiful you are.
posted by Silvertree at 9:54 PM on November 1, 2008

God I wish I could post this anonymously.

I was the pretty girl, then I got fat. And boy did I learn first hand how differently people treat you. Eye opening.

Any therapist who doesn't take you seriously when you talk about body issues is not a good therapist. This is not about seeking compliments. It's a major part of how society treats women, and it has huge implications.

I lost the weight. I get compliments every day about my figure. But I am still single and I WISH I could have a one night stand that called me back, bitch :) Looks are far from everything, and you write like your brain is as cute and brilliant as hell. Which IS everything.

All those "beautiful" women you lived with are locked hard in the prisons of their self perception. You should feel sorry for them.

One thing that helps me is reminding myself people are too bloody concerned with their own sagging bellies to notice mine. And I am back at school, my looks will be gone soon, but my brain is good for a few decades yet.
posted by arha at 1:57 AM on November 2, 2008

Hey anon,

Gosh. I gotta agree with everyone else here about the bf. There's something REALLY WRONG with that guy.

I don't mean to be jerky, but wouldn't it be ok simply just to "be ok" with your looks, i.e., accept what you look like? I guess I don't like this whole idea that you either have to love or hate something about yourself. Why can't it "just be?"

But maybe you mean that you'd just like to "feel better" about how you look like, and stop the self-hate.

Well, because I feel like I've been in your shoes a lot of my life, here's something that helped me:

Learning how to put my freakin' makeup on.

I'm pretty homely without makeup, but can really fool men with its help. (Sorry boys!) I mean, literally, shoot from a 3 to an 8. Late in my adult life, I finally devoted a good 2 YEARS to learning how to apply makeup properly. (I HAD to do this, because of the fact my job relies a great deal on my appearance.) I looked up websites, I tried different things, all kinds of makeup techniques and what not.

I am a huge believer in the power of makeup, the right clothing and haircut. A lot of the techniques are subtle, btw. I was AMAZED at the difference it made in applying eye makeup one way as opposed to another. At one point of my life I was even considering plastic surgery, but no longer. Shit, for about 7 bucks USD, the right kind of eyeliner had me jump from invisible to guys hitting on me daily. (*which by the way, you will find really gross after a while, so the nice thing about makeup is being able to take it off.)

Please, please consider learning how to do your makeup differently, as well as your hair and clothing. It may take some time, experimenting to see what looks on you. I have a weird face, so it took me some time to figure it out myself. It was kind of fun though. You don't need to spend a bundle, but I do at least recommend a good concealer or mineral makeup for your face, to begin with. A smooth appearance makes a really big difference, more than I ever realized.

I think your problem might really be lack of knowledge with what you find flattering on you. Ok, it's not really a "problem" per se, but I hate to see you saddened by the idea you are somehow "deficient" in any way compared to other girls, when the truth is, you just know a whole lot less about prettifying yourself. (There's a real technique to it, that's totally learnable.)

(And of course, it's also totally cool to just say "screw it, I'm gonna find the guy who just loves me for me and my other qualities.")
posted by uxo at 2:17 AM on November 2, 2008

Shit, reading again.

We are all ugly. That is why we wear clothes. We are trying to hide our imperfections from each other.

Your hideous hair cut is someone elses ugly pants that are cut a centimeter too short. you don't notice that, really. You notice who they are. Which is what they notice about you.
posted by arha at 2:39 AM on November 2, 2008 [1 favorite]

From a former ugly-duckling, now swan.
I had to sleep on this one before I answered.

Yes, your ex-boyfriend was abusive. All it takes is ONE negative comment about your appearance to make a person self-conscious about their looks. What a douche.

This is how I learned to love myself (which is a bit separate from loving your looks, but makes loving your appearance much easier):

First, banish all negative thoughts about yourself. When one pops into your head, purposefully recognize it, say "Fuck that!" and replace it with a compliment about yourself, whatever it is (you said you dress stylishly, so I'll use that).

So, thought starts as "I'm so ugly" Acknowledge negative thought (yuck, I'm doing that AGAIN!!), banish it, "Ok Fuck that!" replace with positive thought "No way, I'm a sexy bitch!" At first, this may sound contrived and fake, but there is a goal here, so keep at it. This is a very conscious thing you're doing, and must be done like a science project on yourself, no giving up! Bad thought out, good thought in.

Meanwhile, get rid of anything that doesn't make you feel absolutely beautiful. This means clothes that aren't PERFECTLY flattering. Buy some make-up, and as suggested above, experiment with different ways to enhance what you've got. Nice lips? Find the perfect shade of lipstick. Nice eyes? Learn to play them up, etc, etc. This may actually be the easiest part of loving yourself.

When you go outside, make an effort to look around you at what people really look like. Look left, 50 people more attractive than you. Turn right, see 50 people LESS attractive than you. Place yourself in the middle. Not a bad place to be, looks wise.

During all of this, take the coverings off the mirrors, and tape up a little sign on each one that says "I'm a sexy bitch (this phrase seems over the top, I know, but just trust me). On your phone, when it goes to the voicemail part, where you can record your own voice or whatever, change it to say, in your own voice, "you're such a sexy bitch" so you will hear that whenever you check your messages. It's the repetitive nature of it, not so much the actual phrase (I just used that one because it was the exact opposite of what I felt). Soon, I started to think that I was, indeed, a sexy bitch.

Soft focus in the mirror (no more staring at yourself, picking out each individual "flaw" that's a big no-no), get pissed off at the people who did this to you,(yes, even your mother) think of how all of us women have body image problems, think of the people you know who aren't conventionally "pretty" but still attract loads of people. It's not about what you look like, per se, it's what you project to other people that makes them attracted to you..

This worked for me. It didn't even take that long to do (maybe about a week or two). I wish you the best, babe. Be nice to yourself, do yourself a favor and ditch those negative thoughts, they are literally poisoning you.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 5:54 AM on November 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

Okay. I grew up feeling the same way, but never bothered to feel actively self conscious until I was brow beaten over the course of a semester by the incredibly gorgeous woman I shared a room with for looking manly, etc. - I have a few pieces of advice.

Digital cameras sort of suck. I find that I respond much better to pictures taken of me on actual film. Do you know someone who could take a bunch of pictures of you on film? It is so hard that you never get to see yourself from the outside - I feel that a film camera gives way more depth

Remember that the grass is always greener - I would have killed for much of my life to be petite. I am tall & thin.

I grew up with a mom who is very pretty (in my eyes) but never, ever thought that she was - if your mother suffers from similar esteem issues, remember that we look like our mothers (at least I do) so of course they can never think that we are pretty. We have the same 'flaws' in many cases. Our mothers are not correct about this, I promise you.

Birth marks are awesome. They are one of my favorite things about people & myself.

Watching What the Bleep do we know is always a good, quick fix for my esteem issues as well.
posted by Acer_saccharum at 8:36 AM on November 2, 2008

I'm not the tallest guy in the world, so your height is ideal for someone like myself, so I would never let that bother you. I don't think guys care much about a girl being too small. There's plenty of guys, like myself, who don't go for the obvious looks that everyone else does. Sounds like the people in your past have done quite the number on you, but I think if you can get past that, someday you'll find someone who will think you're perfect just the way you are.
posted by mattsweaters at 5:54 PM on November 2, 2008

You don't need to feel shame about your looks, but you don't need to love them either. Who cares if you're pretty? Be grateful your body works. Be grateful you can walk, talk, run, feel air raise the hair on your arms, splash cool water on your face. This sounds trite, but honestly: it's good to be alive. Do not deprive yourself of the happiness of an engaged life just because you think you don't meet some aesthetic ideal.

Forget about the so-called conventions of beauty. Tear them up like an expired take-out menu. Invent your own ideas about beauty, such as: beauty is that which makes me feel great. Beauty gives me pleasure. Beauty is just. Hence: generosity is beautiful. Pomegranates are beautiful. Displays of kindness are beautiful. Magazines with photoshopped faces on the cover are not beautiful. Funny girls with wonky mouths are beautiful. Choirs of old people singing punk rock are beautiful. Displays of vanity is not beautiful. And so on. Or whatever it is for you.

Make some friends who make you laugh and laugh, friends who share your interests and values, friends who are happy with themselves and give you permission to relax and be yourself.

Don't even attempt to wrestle with the idea of your own attractiveness within the received cultural framework. The framework is very neat, reflexive, and fits much of the evidence (eg. "My last three dates didn't work out. Clearly I'm unloveable because I'm ugly.") but is only an interpretation of the world, and one with limited utility, since it make you feel like shit and inhibits your happiness. Reject it utterly. It is not the Truth, and you are feel free to create your own interpretations. (For starters, it's tough to be single, and three strikes is something to be proud of; it means you're in the game.)

This is the only way to be happy, in my opinion.
posted by hot soup girl at 6:36 PM on November 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

Okay, I know I'm a little late chiming in here; there are lots of great responses already. But I'm going to toss my two cents in anyway.

The reality of life is that most of us are going to fall short of our ideals for physical attractiveness, and progressively more so as we get older. It doesn't help that our culture is so shallow and fixated on beauty as defined by the professional actors and models whose images are everywhere; it's difficult to maintain perspective on what "reasonably attractive" when we spend such a high percentage of our time looking at media which by and large feature only the most attractive 5% of people, covered in makeup, then edited to remove any imperfections. We all know this, but it's hard to ignore.

But the other reality of life is that everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, is capable of looking good to themselves and to others. No matter what your combination of features, there will be people who find it attractive. Short? Small-breasted? Overweight? Underweight? Crooked eyes? Strange birthmarks? No matter what your flaws are, I guarantee you that you have strong points as well, and there are people who value the strengths you do have and are indifferent to the weaknesses. We're all attracted to beauty, but we all have a different idea of what beauty is.

I like to look at a pretty girl as much as the next guy, but I firmly believe that the things that make people most attractive are not physical: they're things that show you what the person is like on the inside. A girl with all the apparent physical advantages can often be outshone by one who is friendlier, wittier, more confident, or just more obviously happy with her life. It sounds trite, but it's true. In my experience, women generally think they're far less attractive than they actually are (Give yourselves a break, ladies!). In reality, 99.9% of them are absolutely gorgeous when they're smiling and happy, and a little ugly when they're mad at you ;)

Anyway, chances are you're one of the 99.9%. What can you do to be happy with yourself?

First of all, you need to recognize that you've had some negative experiences in the past that have influenced your body image. It sounds like you're already aware of that. You may need to go to therapy, or spend a lot of time reading and thinking, or talking to friends if you have any that are of the right sort. Don't ruminate over the poor hand you've been dealt. Learn to see yourself realistically and positively instead of through the mirrors of people with ugly thoughts. This is the hardest part and it takes a long time, but it has been done by others and it can be done by you as well.

Find positive people to hang out with if you don't know any. You need people who will tell you when you look good, so you can get an outside opinion on what works for you and what doesn't. Maybe you're trying to fit a style that you can't quite pull off. Maybe you're looking good already but you're surrounded by critical people.

Experiment. If you're not a girly girl, try it for a while and see how it makes you feel. I have a sister who was never a girly girl, but I saw her try it as an experiment, and even though she's only marginally more girly now than before, the difference in confidence before and after was obvious. If you only wear a certain style, change it. Shake it up a bit.

You also need to do as Solon and Thanks suggested and find something that you like about the way you look. Even if you only like it a little bit, or the best you can manage is to say "it's okay" or at least "not terrible". It's a starting place. Work it.
posted by '' at 6:42 PM on November 3, 2008

And I don't know what kind of chest you have, but if your hang up is that it's small like mine, I have found a world of support (no pun intended) here. It's where I found pretty bras for myself, shared photos of beautiful petite women, and talked to the other gals about guys who truly like our bodies.

Also nthing hotsoupgirl. When I used to get down about my body, I'd remind myself of how resilient and capable and healthy it is. It does help to remember your physical being transcends looks--your body has other functions. Celebrating them is great.
posted by ifjuly at 10:18 AM on November 4, 2008

It's incredible, the amount of abuse people will take.

My wife was raised by a set of physically & emotionally abusive guardians (her mother died when she was just two years old). Her uncle always told her that she was "pretty ... pretty ugly, and pretty apt to stay that way for a pretty long time". Her grandma had her hide in the basement when friends were over, saying that she might "scare away" visitors. This kind of thing happened to her so early, and so often, that all she remembers are these things. Her *one good memory* of growing up was that a 40-something guy once took her out for icecream; she "fell asleep" and doesn't remember how she got back home (she was around 9 years old at the time).

We've been married for just over 25 years now. She is just as beautiful now as when we met. She still can't believe it.

She has been in therapy on and off for years, trying to gain some sense of self-worth. It's helped a little bit, but frankly I'm not sure she'll ever fully recover.

Just the other night, she told me that she is resigned to the nightly dreams (nightmares) when her uncle, aunt, grandma come to visit her, to remind her what a bad person she is. She says that as long as the sleeping pills do their job (she takes Seroquel, an anti-psychotic), she won't be able to remember the dreams for very long after she wakes up.

I am telling you this because you may be heading this direction. In my wife's case, she was raised to believe in her ugliness; in yours, it possibly didn't start that early. You have a chance to fix this outlook. You need someone's help; please get it. Printing out what you posted would be a good start with a therapist. Perhaps you could also look into post-traumatic stress disorder; the treatments for that may help.

You are not unattractive. Anybody who doesn't like your looks is free to ignore you, and apparently not everyone is ignoring you, so the jury says that you are attractive. Don't be ashamed to believe in yourself. You may want to mentally kick your ex in the privates a few times, to tell your inner voice that it's full of shit.

You must realize that you are beautiful. If you must add "on the inside", you're not there yet.
posted by dwbrant at 12:25 PM on November 4, 2008 [1 favorite]