Should I shoot my shot?

April 25, 2021 3:52 PM

And if so, how exactly?

There's a guy in my graduate program that I've always thought was cute, but he started dating someone soon after our program started and stayed with her until recently, when they broke up. I had put him out of my mind completely and honestly barely spoke to him the entire time they were dating, but yesterday he came to my friend's house for a fully vaccinated birthday party, and we ended up sitting next to each other for a good chunk of the night, just talking.

I like him. And all of my friends, who I trust to tell me the truth, keep telling me we would be great together. He's a really good guy, and god after my questionable dating history I could afford to date a nice one. He was genuinely trying to talk to me yesterday, remembering things I had mentioned earlier in class and making conversation around them. And I'm attracted to him. I actually think we'd be really compatible.

So now I have this idea in my head that I need to do.... something, compounded by the fact that we're all graduating soon and then may well scatter to live separate lives. But what, exactly? If I had his number I would text him, say I enjoyed getting to talk to him more yesterday and I hope we can stay in touch. I don't want to straight up ask him on a date because he's fresh out of a relationship, and I'd honestly just like to get to know him more, that's it. I don't want to force or rush anything. Somehow we never worked on any projects together so I don't have his number, which means I can't easily reach out to him via text. I could get his number from a friend or I could message him on messenger, saying I had a nice time and blah blah blah. It just feels so incredibly awkward to randomly reach out on messenger, of all things, when we had previously barely spoken. But we did have a good time! I know he had a good time because he texted my other friend saying how much he enjoyed himself.

Or I could leave it. Some friends have offered to keep inviting him places with me so we have more of a chance to get to know each other. It would be the least risky way of doing it, and would certainly avoid an awkward situation if I reach out to him and he's not feeling it, but it's so passive. I have no idea when I'll see him again, and it seems... almost natural to say something now, after how much we talked.

Of course there's the flip side, where he gets an entirely random message from me after we hadn't talked for most of the program, and all I can do is imagine him being completely weirded out and uncomfortable. But then again.... so what? We're graduating. We're remote anyway, so I really have to go out of my way to see him. What do I have to lose?

TL;DR: I am a fully capable adult who never learned how to manage having feelings for someone irl. What the heck do I do?

posted by Amy93 to Human Relations (22 answers total)

You won't know if you don't try! It sounds like he might be interested in you too -- remembering things you said and making conversation around that seems like an indication that at the very least he thinks you're someone worth getting to know. Send him a message via messenger; it's not going to seem random, since you talked with him at the party. Tell him you really enjoyed hanging out with him at the party and ask if he wants to grab a coffee or meet up for lunch or whatever. Give him your contact info, if you're comfortable with that, and go from there. Be brave! The worst that can happen is he turns you down, and at least then you'll know where you stand.
posted by Janta at 4:07 PM on April 25, 2021 [35 favorites]

I was typing something up and Janta took the words right out of my mouth. Go for it!
posted by equalpants at 4:09 PM on April 25, 2021

I know he had a good time because he texted my other friend saying how much he enjoyed himself.

Low-cost to you: ask this friend pass your phone number along.
Greater costs: "Hey, Amy93 was saying the same thing -- mind if I pass your phone number to her?" and text him as in your question. OR, message him that you really enjoyed talking with him, hope you can stay in touch, and give him your number.

(Regardless of how you get in touch with him, shoot your shot and ask him out on a bona-fide date.)
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:11 PM on April 25, 2021 [21 favorites]

You wouldn’t be randomly reaching out! You had a good conversation with him, which you enjoyed. It makes sense that you would reach out now to say, more or less, “I had fun talking to you at that party. I’d like to go on a date with you. Would you like to go on a date with me?” If he were to turn you down, it would mean he’s not interested in dating you, not that you were weird for asking.
posted by theotherdurassister at 4:21 PM on April 25, 2021 [10 favorites]

If it were me, I’d do your passive plan. Have mutual friends keep inviting us out together. So, George Costanza principle, do the opposite.
posted by kevinbelt at 4:30 PM on April 25, 2021 [7 favorites]

Yes, there are many benefits to asking him on a date and almost none for not asking him and hoping it comes together. Ask him out! Rejection is not so bad, and it sounds like even if he does not want to go on a date with you, you can still be friends.

Also, getting to know him is included in the dating process. You can ask him out with the info you have available and go from there. I would go for it!!
posted by randomquestion at 4:31 PM on April 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

Definitely get his number and ask him! He sounds pretty keen but even if you get turned down for whatever reason, most guys I know have said that women making the first move is such a rare thing that they’re really flattered when it does happen and it always makes an impression.
posted by Jubey at 4:31 PM on April 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

What Iris Gambol said. Have the mutual friend pass on the info, and say what you said: "I enjoyed getting to talk to him more yesterday and I hope we can stay in touch. I'd honestly just like to get to know him more, that's it. I don't want to force or rush anything." You might as well shoot your shot, because you got nothing to lose AND if it goes poorly you don't have to worry about seeing him again.

" Some friends have offered to keep inviting him places with me so we have more of a chance to get to know each other. It would be the least risky way of doing it, and would certainly avoid an awkward situation if I reach out to him and he's not feeling it, but it's so passive. "

Tried this. Did not work out for me. Got nowhere.
posted by jenfullmoon at 4:33 PM on April 25, 2021 [5 favorites]

Another vote for yes, just send him a message, it's not random - you don't need to ask him out on a date proper, but "I enjoyed talking the other day, and wondering if you'd be interested in [x activity]" would be a good place to start.
posted by coffeecat at 4:37 PM on April 25, 2021 [8 favorites]

Yes, message him! Get his number, or I would assume you would have his student email. There are probably better scripts, but a simple "it was fun talking the other night, would you like to meet up for [coffee/drinks/dinner]?" works fine.

Source: I did exactly this in grad school, she replied, and we are still together.
posted by Dip Flash at 4:57 PM on April 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

Go for it! Life it too short for indirect games.
posted by kokaku at 4:59 PM on April 25, 2021 [13 favorites]

Along the lines of what Jubey said, I went on every first date I was asked on. The first, we dated for 9 years although long distance for the last 4. The second, I married. We were together for 20 years.

Just text him and say you had a good time and want to get together again. He can take it as a date or just friends getting to know each other. Either way, win.
posted by AugustWest at 5:32 PM on April 25, 2021 [4 favorites]

Personally, as guy albeit ancient so maybe out of touch, I think you should not only go for it but be explicit: ask for a date. In my experience men are really quite clueless, and often not very brave, so unless you say what you want your approach may be misinterpreted and the guy may just stay a friend.

As others already said, you've nothing to lose by being open and honest.

Good luck!
posted by anadem at 6:06 PM on April 25, 2021 [6 favorites]

Shoot your shot. Just send them a message. Some people don’t use Facebook often (or at all) so email is fine as well in my opinion. Asking for a number seems unnecessary in my opinion if you’re already Facebook friends, are currently in the same program, and have talked at length at a party.

Agree with the suggestions that you don’t even need to use the word date. Starting the first message with a question or statement that continues the previous conversation is low risk. Such as, “attending my first in-person birthday since COVID felt as special as attending prom, except I wish there was more [insert dorky music genre from your high school years].” If the conversation seems to flow, ask them to do an activity (don’t even need the words date).
posted by mundo at 7:29 PM on April 25, 2021 [2 favorites]

Shoot your shot!!
posted by limeonaire at 7:37 PM on April 25, 2021

Response by poster: Welp, I bit the bullet. I didn't ask him out (lol I chickened out, sorry) but I told him I had a nice time and I hope we can stay in touch. I ended up using groupme, which people in my program use quite frequently to talk to each other. Now I wait. He hasn't seen it yet.

I really hope he replies and wasn't weirded out.

Thanks, guys.
posted by Amy93 at 7:39 PM on April 25, 2021 [28 favorites]

Better to know than not know! Either he's into the idea of talking to you/getting together/etc. or he'll, like, panic and not be into communicating. Either way, you'll know!

Good luck!
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:44 PM on April 25, 2021

This is so juvenile, but the easiest way to meet someone in grad school (ahem, speaking from experience) is to find a movie they haven't seen, ask them if they want to see it, and put some old-school moves on.

The only difference is that in grad school it's usually an art house film. Still fun though. Try it!
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:04 AM on April 26, 2021 [1 favorite]

Good on you! I think the act of asking someone you like out is a major achievement: rather than focusing on whether he says yes or no, the act of asking him out would be a kickass first step on the path of getting what YOU want out of life.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 10:14 PM on April 26, 2021 [4 favorites]

Here is something you might think about to take the edge off the nerves: The idea of going straight to dating is a sort of weird step that has been normalised as part of the heteronormative dating approach. We don't have to do it! We can just hang out with people we like, one-on-one, and see what happens!

So when you're thinking about next steps, if you're worried about Making Things Weird, just consider how you might approach this if you just like, really wanted to be friends with this dude. Then do that! And if romance happens too, great!
posted by greenish at 1:30 PM on April 27, 2021

Response by poster: Kind of a mini update: I sent him a quick message and we chatted briefly but nothing really came out of it at this point. He didn't acknowledge me wanting to stay in touch at all, which kind of told me he's probably not interested--I mean, if a girl you're interested says she wants to stay in touch, you'll probably acknowledge it and agree with her right?

So, not terribly promising, but I'll probably end up seeing him a few more times either way, so I'll just see how it plays out. Either way I feel fine! I tried and I won't have any regrets going forward.

Thanks guys!
posted by Amy93 at 8:14 AM on April 28, 2021 [9 favorites]

Aw. Sorry to hear he wasn't interested, but at least you know and you know fast and didn't waste a lot of years pining or anything.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:53 AM on April 28, 2021